My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 554: Tub Pumpkin

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

We’re here to answer all your most pressing questions about Krispy Kreme’s clever secret coffee ingredient and sexy typefaces. We also get into the wet: dolphins, and the dry: accidental arson.Suggested talking points: Stucco Rules, Suck it Drywall, Spokesman Shaq, Fire Stop Weekly, Ed Sheeran Ketchup, Pumpkin Mistake Surcharge.Support AAPI communities and those affected by anti-Asian violence: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/stop-aapi-hateSupport the AAPI Civic Engagement Fund: https://aapifund.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up you cool, baby? Precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me hangs at the skate park hangs by the beach my life It feels It's better it's better with you

It's better it's better with you It's better it's better with you Hello everybody and welcome to my brother my brother mean advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy Whoop whoop this dog's got fleas and I'm Travis McElroy your middles brother lay down with the dogs You're gonna catch fleas. This is your youngest brother Griffin not Griffin. I sorry I I already said flea and your repetition of flea. Oh, sorry. You're right time to take my heart. We're medicine It's me. Thank you. I have very sick dog much better. Thank you. Welcome to my brother. My brother means an advice show And we're here for you

Okay Now I feel like I thought about that as a new thing as we're here for you. We're here for you Yeah, we need we're here for you and you're here for us if we're being honest You need us we need you well spring is finally here and that can only mean one thing around this house Which is my house where I live. Okay, it's advice season has begun spring means advice here at the back worry family Sure. Yeah, my my kids are always running up to me like daddy. What's uh? What's what's a good trade skill to learn if I want to be valuable to society in the future And I I always tell them the same thing

Stucco See, I just started saying VR technician and I don't exactly know what that means But I think by the time BB's old enough to get a job VR technician will be a thing, right? People are gonna get so sick is strapping bullshit to their faces All's it's gonna take is for one of these damn Oculi to blow up on someone's head and then people like no, thanks, but stucco. That's going absolutely nowhere, baby Now you're saying stucco over say like somebody who was specialized in like a drywall or a gypsum or even drywall Fucking drywall is fucking bullshit. Yeah, all stucco all the time now. Do I know what stucco is? I

Refused to answer that question. Okay I'm gonna start working that into every answer that we give just like learn a trade. Okay, learn it right It's so applicable learn a trade learn how to do stucco What do you wish you knew how to do Justin cuz you know, you I mean you've picked up carpentry now So let's let's not count that. Yeah Jerk drywall. No, we already discussed kind of like I already said drywall But I was just saying I also would like to learn how to do drywall. Yeah, I'm out of you drywall See for me, it's electrics and I'll tell you why oh

Don't fuck around with that. Yes, but here's it. Here's the thing I feel like if you don't know what you're doing with plumbing and you don't know what you're doing with drywall And you don't know what you're doing with a lot of things. The worst you're going to do is ruin it If you don't know what you're doing with electrics, you could die and kill others Well, if you could make a big enough plumbing, well, I could make a big enough plumbing whoopsie to die I bet like a low poison of mold that is huge I'm saying I I'm saying I break the toilet so bad the water shoots up at me with such force It this it kills me. That's that's entirely possible

But I could never learn plumbing because I would always be afraid that no matter what fixture I'm working on where the pipe is that I'm doing it. I'm gonna remove it and water's gonna come out and also Human waste even if it's like the kitchen sink pipes. I do not know how the water gets there where it's coming from You know what? I mean, I don't know anything about plumbing, but but yeah Yeah, movies and TV have convinced me that if I remove something wrong it will spray at me with such force It might cause me physical pain. You could die. That's what I'm saying stucco though Fully safe. You could eat that stuff. I bet I was about to ask if you could eat it. Yeah I'm sure it's got it's got nutrients

They and they would call me the stucco bucko and I would roll up on their house And I would put stucco all over it and they'd be like we had exposed brick and I would say Not any more you don't now you have hidden brick Are we fucking are we done? Are we like are we like I this I feel like the last few intros has been like discussing Finances and now we're it's literally home and we're literally making home improvement to we're literally making well The problem is we haven't had any new input in about 13 months. Yeah I've heard some people I've read on Twitter some people are like the quality of the show has really been flagging that well

That's weird since I began my self imprisonment. Yeah, like my year-long self imprisonment The the the the laughs haven't been as plentiful on the show All I've got is like hey, have you ever noticed how on this one wall next to my desk? There's this weird discoloration that kind of looks a little bit like dick butt kiss, you know Yeah, that's the best I've got at this point But don't worry folks as soon as I get that good juice in my arm. I'm talking about that Johnson and Johnson shit I am going to Way over correct

So just stick with us cuz I'm gonna I'm gonna start going to raves and shit like it's gonna be It's gonna be something to see I've got the juice. I've got the juice It's pumping through me. I ain't afraid of no bugs, right? I got the juice. It's pumping through me. There's nothing to do I got I went outside for a little bit. I was like, I remember this this was fine, too Yeah, but like the masks. I can't tell if you're smart. I have a hard enough time with emotions Yeah, you know what I mean figure out how people are feeling and now I'm looking at these strangers eyes trying to guess How much they dislike me, right? It's really stressful, you know speaking of this can I can I begin with a munch squad?

Squat I'm so excited about this. Are you all excited about this? Are you so excited that you just said I want a munch? It's the munch school wide with your host Did you hear what Krispy Kreme's doing? What's Krispy Kreme doing? Hey, you guys hear about this you guys hear about this You hear about this is a good. This is a good one. This one will make you happy Okay, Krispy Kreme's got a new got a new promotion going on where if you get the jab You get the vaccine, huh? You're gonna come in for a year and get free donut every day. Whoa What you show them you're free you just show them your vaccination card You're gonna get a free original glazed donut every single day for a year

You're doing something good for you doing something good for your community doing something bad for you Circular That's so here's how it works you bring in your vaccine card to a Krispy Kreme you get one free original glazed donut That's the promotion every day though for a year Yeah, so I I hear your questions and we're gonna head to the FAQ What call here's the first cue what qualifies is vaccinated. Oh, that's a bad start That's a bad start Anyone who has received at least one of the two shots of Moderna or Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine or one shot of the Johnson & Johnson

COVID-19 vaccine now I am rocking this off-brand AstraZeneca Street legal yeah, this is not a promotion that I could take advantage of right now You know the approved you've been vaccinated by showing them your vaccination record card. Okay Does my vaccine sticker qualify? No, if you get a sticker that says I got vaccinated That's nothing to Krispy Kreme. That's nothing Right, I guess my question is is this a like government subsidized like program how Yeah, how is Krispy Kreme not going to go out of business?

Well, I guess they're banking on a lot of people not getting vaccinated Everybody who doesn't give vaccinated is money in their coffers. So this is kind of hedging their bets either Either it's good because everybody gets vaccinated or it's good because not as many people take their free donut This is what I'm saying if at every Krispy Kreme location only 20 people do this, right? That's that's right there. What seven thousand two hundred donuts in a year Right part times the amount of Krispy Kreme locations. That's just lost money. Yeah, it's lost money, but it's also like not Great, I think To eat a free Krispy Kreme donut every day. Well, I don't think that that's great for your overall well-being

It can be part of a well-balanced Eating plan, but hey, listen, let's let's sneak on down the FAQ come with me Go walk past those regular queues and let's get to a LFA queue Let's get to a LFA queue less frequently asked. Come on. Come on over here There's this is really the point where I decided to talk about this Here's the LFA queue this less frequently asked question. What if What if I don't want to get I

Donuts yes, yes here for that love it love it love it scientifically proven vaccine That's completely safe. It will be for getting COVID and help me prevent the spread of the disease and protect my loved ones I'm not sure about that one Chris. I love doughnuts Chris I want to participate in the program. Don't get me wrong Chris. I want a free donut I need the A for that LFAQ. Here's the A We understand that choosing to receive the COVID-19 vaccine is a highly personal decision No, we advise all employees and guests to consult with their health care provider regarding Whether to obtain a COVID-19 vaccination and which vaccine received after reviewing the available information

if You have made the personal decision to not receive the COVID vaccine Please visit us on Mondays what March 29th through May 24th To receive a free original glazed donut and a medium-brewed coffee No, no, it gets your week off to a good start. No, no, no Hey They're having a rumpus They're having buck wild Mondays where the promotion is come get your free doughnut and a free coffee

That's up. We want to pack it. We want to pack it all the nasty folks on this one day All you rippled mother fuckers that don't want to get the jab You just all come in and get one swampy morass. It's a free doughnuts and illness. Here's the thing crispy cream It takes one quarter of a bold stance. We're saying I'll give you a Donut for your vaccine every day and then they back it way way up They take one step for an eight test back what they should do is say you get a free doughnut every day for a year If you don't if you get the vaccination and if you don't get the vaccination you owe us one doughnut every day for a year Yes, and that's how we pay this off. This is how we swap this out a donut for a doughnut

Yeah, cuz right now they're calling up president president Joey president Joey bag of doughnuts and saying like you're you're fucking killing us, dude Yeah, can you can you chill like the last dude? He sucks shit But like he also wasn't sort of taking us apart at every sort of level you're like getting all these jabs going So anyway, that's the promotion crispy cream. I love the idea Do wish you had a little bit of a strength of your convictions there Y'all a little bit more because you don't get free coffee if you get the jab Yep, but you only get the free coffee if you're a dirty little dog Yeah, isn't that strange in that strange did you get the car you get the coffee?

Wait guys is it possible the coffee has the vaccine in it. That's entirely possible I mean it could also be possible that they're setting up like a toddler hang out Let's spread this chicken pox all around and just oh, I say we're forcing a herd immunity Yeah, by and I just hope they are providing the the correct sort of protective gear for the employees at crispy cream Well, you go and you get your free donut and your free coffee, right? But don't when you leave What's that you're being ushered into the back of a big box truck. Oh, what where are we going? Well, this is gonna be a farm where all the people who don't care about vaccines can live Yeah, I'm able to get everybody else infected you dirty dogs. Well, there'd be free doughnuts. There will be

Some kind of food. Yeah, you won't have to pay for it You're gonna be happy here. Don't worry about it It's gonna be fine Let's uh, let's get into the to the advice. I'm ready to help some people and and I want to start with this one An excellent question here when I was in second grade Shaquille O'Neal came to my school to have a Q&A with the kids I was chosen to ask him a question. I asked it then sat down The thing is after some of the other kids asked a question he would give them a kiss on the cheek. Is this real? Is this a real I feel like if Shaquille O'Neal would went to schools a lot and kissed a lot of kids on the cheek

We would have heard about it by now. Well, keep going because the details lead me to believe. Yeah, the details stack up Okay, if I ever meet him again, do I ask for it? No Do I relay the story and go out at Koi go for a European greeting or and hope he reciprocates or just forget the whole thing all together That's from reflecting in the red stick PS. I asked if he was allergic to strawberries I had no idea who he was. I was talking with my mom about my mom's allergies in the car on the way there And I was just curious it was actually clipped for the news. He is not okay. That's good to know I was worried. Thank you for letting me know that mr. Shaquille O'Neal is not allergic to strawberries I like that you as a second grader saw this

giant man People were excited that he was there and you thought I wonder if this giant man is allergic to strawberries. No further questions Is that was the question? That was that was your God Almighty if you had one chance to ask Shaquille O'Neal a question Like I don't like for me. It would be What do you like better the general or Papa John's like which of your business? Yeah, you have to choose or like can you I've seen all the commercials Can you explain to me what the general is and why they made like they have you as their spokesperson? But they also have a fucking alley McBeele CGI baby general man as the mascot and can you explain isn't that redundant mr. O'Neal?

Do you think that there's a chance because of the specificity of the question that if you did run into mr. Shaquille O'Neal now Yeah, you said I was the kid You came in my second grade class I asked you about strawberries and they should kill in here will be like of course I remember you I owe you one kiss on the cheek I was just so befuddled in the moment by the specificity of your question I forgot to give you a cheek kiss as as he's my way. Yeah I if I saw Shaq and I could ask you one question I like to think it would be something urbane and erudite, but I think

It would just be kind of like a I would just be so relieved to get the chance Yeah, that it would be something like where do I go from here Shaq? Oh, yeah, you know me like where hey Shaq Where do we go from here? What's next? What's next? Hey Shaq? What's next? See I think my question I'd want it to be I'd want it to be Funny right and kind of like ironic. Oh, you'd want to tell you'd want to get him in stitch Yeah, I'd want it to be like did you ever fully become gin right something like that? I bet he'd never heard that one before but I think in in all honesty if I now even as the 37 year old adult ran into Mr. Shaquille and you know, I think and and someone like whispered on my ear like you got one chance one question

I think we're just like how's it going? Like I think that's the best you would do that now You would have some of the best Travis. I've got a microphone. I'm putting it in your face right now Ask a question Shaquille and you don't think about it. Just ask Travis You're thinking you're right. Okay. Hey, can you give that to me again, please? Yeah Travis, here's a microphone. I got Shaquille O'Neal. Uh, hi Travis. Uh, you can ask him one question What was it like to be beaten by Aaron Carter? That is a fucking slam dunk. Now. I do appreciate the that my metaphor there was good all over and good

I appreciate that that just came came to me. But I I would love Love to foreshack to relive the day that Aaron Carter. Yeah Here's the thing. Okay. It is occurring to me now. How many wonderful things like the how many there's Shaq Fu There's how I beat Shaq. Yes, because Sam there's just like this I believe he was John's thing when we named him all the shock of johns or whatever he called it He was in space jam one, right? No, I believe it was not. He was in steel though as steel from steel Storyed like able to be referenced life Shaquille O'Neal has led and You don't have an ending to that thought. No, I just

I just want to talk about how great Shaq is. I mean, here's the thing There will be people like our question asker who may have no idea that Shaquille O'Neal ever played basketball Interesting like he is just the guy who is in that genie movie and played steel And he's in those general commercials and remember that video game about him where I believe he beat up Godzilla or something Like that. There's so many things Shaquille O'Neal Like he could have just been very good at basketball and he said no no I have so much more Shaq to give let me do other weirder things Hey

2020 summer 2020 a woman has a blowout tire has a blowout Uh has to pull over the side of the road. Who's there to assist? Is it is it Shaq? It's Shaq Shaq pulls over to help a more great Shaq doesn't give a if there's any cars. They'll just punch him out of the way right Protect everybody Um, how about this? And this is we've completely lost the plot of this question I hope that's okay because now we're just kind of having fun with it

But what if they did um a new thing of deal or no deal? But it was then he was the host it was called Shaquille or no deal Or Shaquille Shaquille O'Neal. Is it another? Uh-huh Um, that's that was a lot of fun talking. Hey guys, sometimes it's just fun to talk about Shaq for a bit Yeah, do you do it a lot? Have you noticed that? Yeah, we sure we do. Do you want a yahoo? Yeah, okay. Um, this one was sent in by uh, Graham Robach. Thank you, Graham crushes from yahoo answers user Emily who asks

Why did nature mess with dolphins this bad? Yes, thank you They have to live in the water they can't walk, but they have to go up for air every 10 minutes How could nature do that to them? That sucks. Can you imagine? Yeah, I wish I could goof on this, but That sucks up. What if you had to leave your house every 10 minutes to step outside and Breathe and then go back inside your house. If it was a case, you basically decided the existence of a smoker Well, but it's more like hey step outside stick your head in that fountain

Now come back inside. Oh, that's right. It's not even the same sort of Yeah, like physical Substance and it's like hey, can I bring it inside my house? No, no, no If you bring it to the air it'll immediately go away. It disappears. It is having nature. Okay Now see I'm now I'm thinking about it because like if you're if you're dolphins and you're trying to figure it out You have to say the other dolphins. Okay You guys are gonna think I'm crazy, but I do think I cracked it. We're supposed to be in both. Yeah, like wait what? Do you mean the dry or the wet? No, no, no, this is the wild part. It's gonna sound fuck with you both

Like we have to be the wet for a while. Nobody else has to do that All these we do whales whales Um, nobody else I mean, there's probably a lot dolphins don't know about whales. You're right. There's pretty sure dolphins know about whales Oh my god, we see you see a fucking giant dolphin. You're gonna turn around run You're not gonna ask him his life story and if he's in the dry and the wet in equal amount of time No way. Dolphins don't know about whales for sure

Had this exact discussion before which is wild to me. I think dolphins would hang out with whales I don't think whales would hang out with dolphins. Absolutely not. Maybe if I think whales would find the dolphins a little much You know what I mean? You're a whale. You're moving at your own pace. You're doing things I guess just floating forward until you die or make another smaller you because there's not like you're not Hard or whatever Do you think you see a dolphin come over and they're doing like flips and tricks and shit? And you're like, oh my god

Could you not I'm gonna do that whoops splash and then they post a video online That's like look at this big whale do it jump out and do a huge splash and that whale sees the video He's like I was trying to do a cool flip like my friend dolphin Yeah, do you think that when dolphins when dolphins see us in our scuba's Swimming around and like staying underwater for longer than 10 Do you think dolphins ever trail scuba divers like? Jeremy check this out that dude He's been down here for like 20 fucking minutes and I know he likes air

Like I know he loves the air as much as we do. So like what's going on And it the other side of that though is like when they see a shark who can stay down the whole time They're probably like what the fuck why can't hey, why can't we do that? Hey, yeah, it's not fair. Have we tried just staying down? They got cut some of them that they do it through so I guess hey cut me Ow, fuck that didn't work. That's not it. Oh shit. He's got a lot of cuts though. Okay. Do it six times real fast Oh, fuck. No, it's just my wow guys. The red is coming out. It's the inside wet the inside way The inside what's coming out the air's not going in

Ah, man This sucks There's a lot of shitty answers on this question by the way a lot of shitty answers So dolphins have to breathe every 10 minutes. Why did nature mess with us? We have to breathe every few seconds occasionally. We can hold our breath for a few minutes. Hey dumb dumb Hey, that's not the point. That's not the fucking point. Listen, someone else says goodbye and thanks for all the fish 42 It's just good though the one you said does it say goodbye and thanks for all the fish

Yeah, it's not even the right fucking But there it there is a rad pick though of a Just a slimy Gray dolphin, he's poking out of the water He's got a big smile and it says they look pretty happy to me And I want to tell that person that is just kind of what their mouth Looks like and for all we know This dolphin is a you know a circus dolphin and it's probably not living his best life

I you know Okay, but but uh-huh They do look happy I mean that but again, just I do want to say what I literally just said eight seconds. Yeah, but they look happy Is it possible that the balance? I'm is what's like it's like something we could learn but it's not balanced Justin Don't spend all your time in one don't spend all your time in the wet or the dry find a balance But it's not balanced Justin. They live 99 of the time in the wet

They can't they're not like rolling up on the land walking around for a while and then going back into the wet Justin they're in the wet and they have to basically stick their backs up like it like if every You know 10 minutes you had to push the back of your head through your wall to live like that fucking suck like that's It's it's not balanced Hmm and yet you're over here telling me evolution is real Justin But if evolution's so real then how come dolphins haven't evolved to breathe who water Well, because then they we wouldn't be able to see them as much. Oh, that's good. They evolved for Something for they miss us too. Yeah, that's our thing

They evolved blow holes to come up and see us to have an excuse So what you're saying Justin is there was a time when dolphins lived on land and they hung out with human beings And they said we want to spend a lot of time in the wet But we don't want to miss you entirely and that's how they evolved Maybe the order of The order of occurrences is something of a mystery So it might have been that they were under water the whole time and they said what's up there I want to be part of that world and they made a deal with Ursula and Ursula gave them blow holes

So they could come up and say hi, but she took their voice. God. I'm so sick of her. I know right for everybody. We have fun, but like She took that lady's voice away. She took her fucking voice away. I tried to kill her dad I don't see a man. She never met Ursula knew what the fuck was up. Ursula knew she wasn't coming back A lot of people like to treat Ursula like the hero of the story, but I I'm sorry. I think she's the villain Yeah, well, she does get killed by a big boat. That is true for her crimes It's a fair point. You guys ever think about what a shitty dad Triton was. He was not great I don't want to talk about that. Should we go to the money town? Yeah, great

Oh Hey, you want to fill your belly How do I fill it with a basket of sun? Oh, okay. I was gonna say it depends on what is going in there No, it's sun pure sunshine We've partnered with the best scientist at sunbasket to bring you a basket full of pure photons They're gonna fill your belly up. You're gonna eat sunlight. It's not true. So stupid. It's not true. It's sunlight No, it's not Travis It's delicious food that's sent to you and then you make it and it makes you happy last night. I had

I didn't here's you want to know something. Why about some basket? Here's what they sent me chicken and romesco sauce With green beans and tomato. Okay. I didn't I want to be honest with you. I'm gonna say right here Didn't think I'd like uh-huh But then I made it and you know what happened your belly filled with sunlight You like it was absolutely delicious Just like every other meal that sunbasket sends to me They challenged me to think outside of the the box a little bit by thinking inside the box

Whenever every week I get a new box of sunbasket ingredients They sent a promo box and you know what I did after uh, I ate that promo box. What I just kept getting it I'm paying for it out of pocket with my own money That's how wild I am about sunbasket delicious foods uh really in-depth Recipes, you know what I love also about them is you can switch out the proteins get out So if like if you want ground chicken, you don't like I think chicken thighs are gross. Don't act. What?

I switched That wasn't an ad just I'm talking to you in real life. Yeah, it's like a it's like a it's like a spoken ad I you want ground turkey ground chicken, whatever you want. They'll they'll sub in the proteins for you You can even do like tofu or something like that if you want to go go meatless. They got the options Beyond the meal kits. They got these fresh and ready meals, which I know Griffin you get into Yeah, we're uh stocking up on those for uh for for some quick and easy and tasty dinners for once the baby gets here Yeah, and right now sunbasket has a limited time off where you can get $90 off and for Free gifts across your first four deliveries including free shipping on the first box when you go right now to sunbasket.com

Slash my brother and inter promo code my brother at checkout that sunbasket.com slash my brother And inter promo code my brother at checkout offer expires on april 13th Uh, I so I've been doing some streaming recently and I have noticed Conclusively that if someone says like great shirt or asked about my shirt It is 100 a stitch fix shirt that I got from stitch fix because ever since I joined stitch fix and became You know like a stitch fix user. I guess I would say my style game has improved exponentially I think all of ours has uh, and I'm also getting wearing the most comfortable jeans I've ever had jeans you could sleep in

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Jeans so comfortable you can sleep with them I mean they do other they have shirts so comfortable you can sleep in too probably Yeah, but that's not impressed There are lots of shirts that I would sleep in and most of them you can sleep in anything if you really Believe in yourself and you're willing to push yourself to the limits I mean, yes, okay, you could sleep in anything but these are jeans you want to sleep in is that better? One time chris angel slept in a sweater. Oh boy. It's fucking wild man And it was hot outside too. It wasn't like a cold night. Yeah

Hey, it's john mow and look these are challenging times for our mental and emotional health I get it. That's why I'm so excited for my new podcast Depression mode we're tackling depression anxiety trauma stress the kinds of things that are just super common But don't get talked about nearly enough conversations that are illuminating honest and sometimes pretty funny With folks like kelsey dara and open mic eagle and patin oswald Humphrey bogart was never in therapy and then my dad said yeah, but he smoked a carton of cigarettes a day So he was in therapy plus psychiatrists psychologists and all kinds of folks on depression mode We're working together learning helping each other out. We're a team join our team

Depression mode for maximum fun wherever you get your podcasts This is usually where the munch squad goes now. We're all kind of floundering a bit. Do you want to read another question? Yeah, I'd like that When I was 13 a lawnmower I was using caught fire and started the small They've got this in quotes wild fire Burning a little under an acre of land Much to my embarrassment

This was then put on the news and since it was a small town everyone from my school knew it was me I'm 23 now, but sometimes when I go back home people will still sometimes joke like hey started any fires lately Good one. It's pretty good line. Good line What could I do to take the heat off my history with fire and maybe get known for something new? Any ideas are appreciated. That's from accidental arsonist And they've got accidental in quotes too, which is strange. I don't understand. You're gonna need to stop some fires. I think Oh, that's good Yeah, what oh like I feel like well, I don't know how many fires you'd have to stop for it to balance out maybe five

I mean one acres one acres worth of fire Yeah, yeah, depending on if you're in the city. That could be a lot of that could be a whole bunch of fires But We're not talking about fire fighting There will be no hoses no extinguishers involved. I'm talking about like you see somebody smoking next to Uh cotton swab factory and you say stop it stop it. Hey, no, no, no Don't cut that out. Don't you see this pile of sawdust you are sitting on top of this is a terrible place to set off fire That place to have big smokes. That's a cigar. That's a big novelty sized cigar like a wolf would smoke in a cartoon

Yes, it's a big cigar. What you're a baby. You're a baby. What are you doing with that cigar? How did you get into this sawdust pile, baby? Hey Hey, is this is this timmy here from the news? Listen, you better get out here because I'm about to stop a baby from smoking a huge cigar And I feel like that's really gonna turn my rep around and listen. This is gonna sound like I staged it But I promise I came upon this completely naturally I did not give this baby a cigar nor did I set it on top of this pile of sawdust Fuck there's a whole baby cigar party happening

There's like four more babies with cigars. I didn't even tim get down here, man You gotta hurry get down here bring bring her up. Johnson. Call Spencer Atkins. Get everybody down here. This is wild Get Bill Murray get the whole team out here. No, not that Bill Murray the Bill Murray that was a newscaster in the hometown where we grew up The Bill Murray from WSAZ Go on Oh, you're not coming. Okay. See now you've got to start your own television news station or newspaper Okay, this is this is Bob Stevenson with the Bob Stevenson Dispatch and oh boy

I've done it again stopped another baby cigar fire at the sawdust factory This paper is free Please just read it and give it to everyone you know Well, I mean you could start a youtube channel. Those are easy. Everybody's got a youtube channel now, right? Where you're just going around stopping Baby fires. Thanks for subscribing to my newsletter. Didn't stop any fires this week, but watch this space. I'm out there Email me at my tip line if you see anybody doing bad fire stuff No difficult fires though, please. I don't have any resources Do you have this sort of is this the sort of town where just having your own youtube would make you like the youtube guy?

I don't mind that other than the fire guy. Yeah, he's the one with the youtube started any youtube channel lately I did actually three more. I mean we had to go become big podcasters. So we could just stop being clients kids That's all here come Clint's kids up to no good apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh? Like I'm my own guy actually like I do I do a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with my dad Yeah, I worked pretty hard to become the non video game brother, but now I'm blowing it with this twitch thing Oh, no, I just realized Oh, no, I'm gonna become the video game brother No, you're still the beard brother. Oh, thank you. That means a lot to me. You can hear the beard on the microphone

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you You could start other bigger fires and then maybe maybe people would still learn to watch their fucking mouth Oh, that's cool. We'll own it and someone's like do you start any fires lately? Like I did I did at your house go home You're very good. Check on your dad Go check on your dad Ah, yes, that's fire boys kids phrase. Don't you know go check on your dad? Is it possible to

Say it was a controlled burn And that They don't get it I'm an amateur fire person. This is a controlled burn. I had it completely Under control. Don't you see how I put quotes around wildfire? More like mild fire. That's just a little joke in the controlled fire industry Now you're asking is a broken lawn mower the typical device we use to start our controlled burns And that just shows how ignorant you are

Have you read any books about starting controlled burns lately? What do you think people just throw their broken lawn mowers in the garbage when they're done with them? No, what a waste What a tremendous waste? Were there several small businesses located in this one acre that also burned down? Yeah, that's part of the control dude I had to burn them down to make room for new businesses. Those have those have sprinklers It's easier to control it. Yeah, think about if it was just trees you idiot And they have those go burn so quick. They had to get some insurance money. It's all part of the plan It's all part of the plan. Um

They were in on it. We were all in on it And aren't you enjoying that new Mexican restaurant that they built on the burned up ground that I burned up? You're welcome. Enjoy your enchiladas. What about the natural part? What about the part of the wildlife preserve that burned down too? You're welcome. That one was an accident, but everybody's allowed to make a few accidents, huh? Yeah, I'm a human. I'm a human being. I'm a human being and those were very rare birds Yeah, now they're more rare and the people who have those birds Have more money in their pockets, so they're not complaining, huh? Hey, what about the kinds of animals that eat ashes?

Yep They kind of they got to get their bellies full too, right? Yes I'm and to be fair. I thought those birds were phoenixes and if that had been the case This all would have been totally cool, wouldn't it? So I guess you're the jerk now, steven What if you lost your keys? They're easier to find now And I know that your car was also parked in there and so that is kind of a moot point and I understand that But that's part of the control Griffin, do you have any? I do. This one was also sent by Graham robot. Thank you. It's yahoo answers user. Sorry. Who asks?

How can a font be sexy? On multiple font websites, I've seen sexy as a category, but they are just letters. What is happening? Oh come on stop being willfully obtuse. You know the answer to this if you saw Let's see if you saw if you got a love letter in papyrus, right? You would be like, oh, okay, whatever, right? What did this love letter get sent through time from like ancient Egypt or some shit? Right, right? Yeah And I'm just pulling this off the top of my head. I'm not looking but sans seraph sounds sexy Yeah, sans seraph is probably yeah, it's up there. I think that that was the one that they sort of

They had sexiness in mind when they were developing this this font Yeah, that's not very good. What's the set? I'm gonna just gonna type in sexy font and then look away Travis type sexy fonts and then just go for a little bit of sexy Helvetica sound I would love to kiss helvetica sandra Hello Cassandra. That's kind of sexy. Yeah I love I love in all of these promotions where they're like showing what the font looks like even in the sexy fonts is like The quick brown fox

Jumps over the lazy Oh, that would be a sexy font if anyone's looking to design a sexy font make it so anytime you put a single x It's immediately three x's. That's really good. Yeah, you can only type three x's at a time Yeah, and while we're at it just every m becomes three m's Yeah back if that's something The quick brown fox jump And then and then there's a period The sentence ends that's a cool font when it like actually changes the the syntax of of the sentence itself

Um So on this typography website, they got like reviews for the different fonts They have this to say about archer Sweet but not sack or earnest but not grave Archer is designed to hit just the right notes of forthrightness Credibility and charm. Oh, I like that. It's nice, right? Makes you feel like maybe now I have here. I found one that's just called luxurious sexy, which I bet you could find a font called ease. I bet you could find a font called like

I'm gonna look star wars. Well, yeah, sure It's not what I was gonna say, but all right Yeah, if you like star wars, I bet there's even a star trek one. Yeah, either one or no matter which one you like I like Travis. I like the Travis font. There's a Travis font What guys what could be better fodder for a comedy audio podcast Talking about what letters look like. Yeah, it's probably yeah talking about letters. That's like, it's good I hope the quarantine goes on Just me talking here, but I love having all my meals come to me in metal boxes. Hooray

Okay Lynn texted me to tell me there's gonna be a peeps Pepsi mashup Peeps and pepsi are joining forces to create marshmallow soda. That's gross. Okay. It's gross, right? I'd rather have cola please It's marshmallow cola. It comes in a three pack of little seven and a half ounce cans now you can't You can't buy them at the fucking store But you can tweet the hashtag hanging with my peeps

and And you can enter to win the sweepstakes and you sure you're supposed to show yourself Enjoying your favorite springtime activities quote in a safe Socially distant manner Incentivizing in the crispy cream way safe Right safety if now let's get a little deeper here. Todd Kaplan the pepsi's veep of marketing says After what has been a very difficult year Many consumers are looking for new things to smile about

So we made very sweet businesses. Can I just for them? So just because I want to just put a pin in it real quick I just want to point out that I think in the Qsr and food update kind of munch squad world The new thing isn't going to be this has been a difficult year It's going to be after a difficult year and it will be all about like now that we've turned the corner After a difficult year things just need to it's going to be that over and over and over again in some form Yeah

I'm not very good at business ask anybody. Well, how come These like businesses keep announcing these things and then saying but you can't buy them You have to like win them just to get you it's it's the new and I guess munch squad is part of it I you know like munch squad is to blame But it's like you don't actually have to do the thing If you just say you're going to do the thing and then make people tweet about it Then you get all the attention. Yeah without actually having to like make a bajillion of them and get logistics going and shit like that Don't

It's infuriating don't tell me that you're gonna make ketchup that looks like some dude's arm And then it's like you have to send it in a self-addressed stamped envelope with fucking bitcoins inside of it Like sell that shit in stores fucking stop it Stop making me jump through hoops be be brave and trash your brand by making this gross soda and make some some poor person Accidentally buy it and then come home. You're like this soda fucking sucks Have somebody accidentally buy your shitty marshmallow soda cowards We may we let Ed Sheeran make ketchup for us then fucking do it Give him tomatoes and spices and sugar and let Ed Sheeran make the

You have to you have to mass produce whatever he made a million of them send him a million tomatoes and say your balls in your court, Ed Oh Man, did you try some of this new ketchup? It tastes like shitty tomato water? Yeah, that's because Ed Sheeran squished it with his own feet and then we had to sell it at Kroger's Because that was the deal we made with Ed Sheeran Will you make Ed Sheeran ketchup if you promise to sell it for a hundred years? Oh, okay I wanted to replace real ketchup. Oh Ed Sheeran you drive a hard bargain Okay. Yep. Okay. This will be hines 58. We're throwing out the last one

This is the new one is all we're not even gonna name you on the bottle Like it's just we're just gonna call this new ketchup and you just happened to be the person you made it Sounds good to me. I'm Ed Sheeran. I did my french fries and Ed Sheeran's ketchup juice and it was disgusting Well, that's because we're just gonna have to find a new way to enjoy ketchup now because ketchup means Ketchup means something else pepsi means something else now It's not a something a refreshing brown beverage that you enjoy with a pizza Now it's now. It's a different thing that you have to use a different way now. It's a joke that we all have to live with We actually fucked up so bad because of the new law that biden put in where you have to really do the things

You say you're going to there's no pepsi anymore. It's just an instagram filter. You can't drink it. It's a filter And we fucked up don't get it twisted. We fucked up. It was a bad idea that we did but we said we do it and This is it. Anyways, are you hiring? Oh boy Oh boy, um Was this a yacht? What was this? Here's a new question last halloween my wife and I never got around to carving the pumpkin our best friend brought us Instead of tossing it our friend hit it in our bathtub as a joke slash gentle reminder to carve it

Unfortunately, my wife and I proceeded to keep it in the tub while using the tub as usual for the next four months It was surprisingly useful for many tub related act. Is this where we're at mean? It was surprisingly useful for many tub related activities. What are you doing the tub? Flash forward to yesterday and the pumpkin you guys are never going to believe this Well, it's rotted in the dang tub, hasn't it? I cleaned it all up But in the process a not insignificant amount of pumpkin seeds and guts Went down the already poorly functioning drain if this causes a plumbing issue

How do we explain it to the landlord without him telling him we kept a pumpkin in the tub for four months? This is a large claw foot tub with a shower head hookup if that reference is needed. It wasn't That's from punk and Pumpkin it's from a person who needs some help and a help on a scale that may be grander than we can offer I think the best course just just the best course of events really Yeah, I really think Trevor you have to remember I do these questions, right? So I saw this Right hours ago. I've had time to process it boys and the thing is

I think you are going to get the most Uh leeway By just telling the landlord what you did Yeah, we left a pumpkin in the tub for four months while tubbing around it And some things went bad Doing the usual tub stuff that we found the pumpkin to be surprisingly complimentary to We were in there thumping around and uh rotted away. It got the ding ding drained, didn't it?

This one's on us And if you want to add an extra $20 to our rent for the next couple months, we totally understand We totally get it for a pumpkin surcharge the usual The usual pumpkin mistake surcharge, please What's your usual excuse me? Is this landlord? What's your usual rate for making a pumpkin mistake hypothetically speaking? And is that kind of something that I can purchase prophylactic? I notice here that there is in the lease a listing for pet addendum

Um, so I understand my pets a pumpkin that lives in my tub and he had an accident He had an accident of dying and so we need emergency here Excuse me. Is this landlord? There is emergency here and it's of a pumpkin variety and this is covered in my lease, I bet So what was the damage specifically in the lease? That's a relief for me. Honestly Can you forward me the list of things we are allowed to get stuck in the tub drain, please? And is pumpkins one of them you could just tell me that what are some things that you allow in tub? Oh, you don't have a comprehensive list. Hmm seems like a lack of forethought on your part Do you recall excuse me? This is Dilip in the apartment you have do you remember agreeing on mutually?

Beneficial list of things that can go into Okay, okay, fine Is there a limit to how long I was allowed to keep pumpkin in tub because I will tell you for future reference four months is too long To be fair to be fair Sir before you get all high and mighty about it to be fair If you notice the pumpkin had not been removed from my home by December That would have been the moment for you to speak up as my landlord If you're really paying attention to the problem to be fair you take a tub in my apartment every week

So you must have noticed right? It's it. I'm sorry. I want to engage here. I want to I want to have fun but like Once I used a foot bath in japan in japan that had like yuzu fruit floating in it And it made the water smell and oranges and it made the water smell pretty good That I had my that I had my feet in and it was revitalizing This pumpkin I cannot imagine served a similar purpose and also Was something you had to bathe around While it it's so big a pumpkin is I understand your confusion griffin

It's a large claw foot tub with a shower head hookup So I think that kind of that clear that actually makes a lot of sense So you were showering in there and just you had pumpkin And it has claw feet and that the tub has claw feet Okay Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, it's because of the claw feet Sometimes the pump is just gonna get lost in there. So I guess let's just take turns apologizing because we I We fucked up we didn't realize the tub had claw feet. I thought it was a built-in. I'm sorry

It's not a bill. It's a standalone deal with a shower head hooker. I'm sorry. Oh, man Oh now now who left the pumpkin in the tub still you Actually We don't know how big a pumpkin it could have been like one of those small like You know paint a funny face on it and put it on like the you know the table by the door It's big pumpkin. It's big. You don't send a question like this to us if it's not a full size Yeah, it would have headed over to ask ask drawn and Hank, you know, I mean They handle that. Yeah. Hey, um, I think it's dear hank and john, but a great. No, they started a second show

Yeah, sure. Hey, let's talk about this for a second I'm gonna keep drilling down on parts of this until it seems less insane Flash forward to yesterday and the pumpkin is rotted in the tub. Let me hold up for just one second You don't get to flash forward to the pumpkin is wrong. Yeah, you go in the tub Every single day you did not come in one day and like holy shit Look what happened to our pristine. Oh, yeah No, that's not how it shook out is warm of locusts did not fly in through the window and fuck your pumpkin up over like a two-hour period

Uh and Question asker you didn't lift it up for one of your regular bathtub activities and the bottom just fell out Were you using it as a loofah? You could tell me I'm not going to be angry. I'll be a little angry You would certainly notice at what point in the decompositional process It was yeah, any sponginess whatsoever. It should have been sign one that this pumpkin was Not a tremendous amount of time for a pumpkin to be huge extant Not to continue the scrutiny your question asker But in the cleaning process a not insignificant amount of pumpkin seeds and guts went down the already poorly functioning drain

How lucy goosey was your cleaning process? Yeah, that it was getting pushed into the drain and you just thought well cost of doing business Yeah, that's the number one area you got to defend right if you are cleaning I leave a pumpkin out on the out in front of the house for three days past halloween and it is Deflated it is a deflated pumpkin sitting out there. There is no way No way it made it four months in a tub Absolutely, maybe you've hit on a new pumpkin preservation technique Whereby, you know getting some

Fruit-tastic shampoo on it or whatever you're going to keep it alive a little bit longer We should all be submerging our pumpkin if you want to preserve your pumpkins You can only find them usually that one time a year So it's nice to have a pumpkin on hand for spring to really welcome the easter bunny in a way that's going to fuck them up Yep, you're right You really wanted to confuse that cat. Hey, listen, thanks so much for listening to our podcast We hope you've enjoyed yourself. We we're gonna be I guess this is the last one before we head into a bit of a hiatus Yes, it will be

Strange for a while. Yeah, we got some other fun weird stuff for you though And things are turning around, you know, they're they're they're turning around here in On earth and I think brighter days are ahead if that's any constellation to you. That's where I'm at right now So, yeah, here's hoping Thank you to You for joining us once again And we want to tell you we got a lot of cool merch over in the merch store We're running out of time for that march merch pen of the month

It's sausage to me which benefits feeding, Texas You can also check out the empty bowl pen that one is evergreen. So that is not a monthly pen As well as the 20 big dog run pen is going to be there Go pre-order the adventure zone crystal kingdom graphic novel You can pre-order that at the adventure zone comic.com. It comes out July 13th I've been doing a twitch channel for a while now twitch.tv Slash the Travis McRoy. Don't forget to check out our youtube channel If you haven't done that in a while just search McRoy family and you'll find it

Thank you to montane for creating our wonderful new theme music, which we love very much Yes, it's called my life is better with you and go check out all of montane's music and Make sure that you support her during eurovision. Is there like a phone vote system? Not I don't think us americans can get in on damn it. Okay. Well, just another thing we're kept out of right Hey, do you all want to final yahoo? Please. Okay, this final yahoo is sent by merit palmer It's a very good. What thank you, merit. It's uh an anonymous. Yeah. Oh, no, it's john The yahoo answers user john asks Why is the company called johnson and johnson and not the two johnsons?

My name is just a mackerel. I'm griffin mackerel. It's been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips It's better. It's better with you Maximum fun org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported