My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 721: Face 2 Face: Cotton Candy Cenneth

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Live from The Factory in St. Louis comes the breaking news that TravNation has annexed the Arch and turned it into a Stargate! Join us as we learn about nasty cotton candy, boats for non-boat people, and some truly touchy dolls. Suggested talking points: Nude and Wet McElroy, Suffer Together, Drug Dealer in a Musical Written By Someone Who Has Never Done Drugs, Fart Cultural Exchange , Discerning Comedy for Adults, A Big Bath with Strangers, Full-Time Remote Control Boat Salesman, False Scooters Palestine Children's Relief Fund: https://www.pcrf.net/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert but if there's a degree on his wall I haven't seen it. Also this show isn't for kids which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed It's ripened into a precious friendship

I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like Life, ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you My life, ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you This is true, ah ah ah

It's better, it's better with two My life, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, big dog, woof woof, Travis McElroy. Thank you. What's good, Trav Nation? I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 needy Illuminary Griffin McElroy. Before we get started, I just have a big announcement. I'm really excited. I was waiting to announce this, but Travel Nation has officially bought the Arch.

And nothing at all is gonna change about it. Just know that we own it. Gonna flip it upside down. Oh, there is one thing now legally, cause it's the gateway to the West. Any plane flying East to West or west to east has to Go through it. Yeah It's gonna be a real are awarded with bonus points. Yeah, it's gonna be a real bottleneck in our nation's

One out of every thousand people is gonna get transported somewhere when they go through we haven't figured out where yet It just says on the Trav Nation docket, turn it into Stargate, but he doesn't know what that means or how to do it. But it works. I don't know how or why or where, but it works. This is the best stocked theater I've ever been in, let alone performed in.

I'm happy to announce backstage, I took my first backstage shower. I'm really glad you know we had it. Yeah, that's right, you were in the same building as a nude Griffin McElroy. You didn't even know. And nude and wet. That's as good as it gets, folks.

I'm really glad you clarified backstage shower and not just have my first shower. Okay, so Griffin, you've talked about taking a shower at a show for literal years. Yeah. Yeah. It was one of our biggest delights when we started touring a sea. Cause we're all hayseed bumpkins.

Yeah, so like we can imagine a real rocker, a real rock and roller coming through town and taking a shower. We came from our rock and roller coming through town and shower. We came from our hotel nearby, so we showered there. But can you imagine life on the road? So you finally did it. Yeah, I had to purify my comedy vessel for you boys. So walk me through the exact moment where you realized you had a dirty wet towel and no idea what to do with it. Did you just take it back and sheepishly hand it to the crew?

I did it, I'm sorry. I know that there is a joke, but I took a shower. This bit is me letting the person whose responsibility it is to clean up my dirty towel tonight. I hung it up, but I- So someone could use it again? To what end? I wasn't just gonna leave it, man. Someone is gonna find that and be like why did he need?

Really left it all out there in the first 40 minutes of the show yeah in this fantasy Janelle Monae shows up, but she's like well waste not want not yeah, it's totally half used I'll go ahead use the other side of the towel I'm so sorry everyone who works someone has to clean up my dirty. I'll take it and use the other side of the towel. I'm so sorry, everyone who works. Someone has to clean up my dirty. I'll take it with me back to the, I'll clean it and bring it back here tomorrow morning. What's worse is now someone has to do laundry,

a load of laundry for your one towel. It's not even like everybody did it, and there's 30 towels, there's one towel. I'll just steal it. Just take it with you in your pants. They are big enough. You have big, bear-sheet pants. These pants, I have a fun tradition

of buying costume pieces for this podcast and not trying them on until the day of show. I put these on for the first time yesterday. They are absolutely gargantuan. Yeah. Your eldest son described it as a long diaper. He did. Which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Yeah, he really razzed me on that one. This is an advice show, as you've certainly gathered at this point, and we're going to take your questions and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom. I got some cotton candy with some interesting flavors, like dill pickle and ranch dressing. I'm already getting excited. I didn't want to try these alone as they sounded pretty gross so I brought them into work for everyone to try and suffer together. Unfortunately this has given me the nickname cotton candy

Kenneth. How can I make sure this nickname doesn't stick like Cotton Candy? And that's Kenneth from Jefferson, Missouri. Are you here? Cotton Candy Kenneth! Oh, we don't need house lights. Thank you. I don't want to see them. There's too many people, you see, and we get a little scared. Cotton Candy Kenneth is a pretty good nickname.

Yeah, for sure. We've heard a lot of questions about a lot of nicknames and we usually don't take them. But this one's really good, Kenneth. Are you sure you want to get rid of it? Because Cotton Candy Kenneth could be, it's so versatile. You could be a child entertainer. You could be a mafia hitman. You could be like a Slender Man-esque, like, oh, you don't talk to Cotton Candy. If you see Cotton Candy Kenneth in town. You could be the drug dealer in a musical written by someone that's never done drugs.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you got me. I'm Cotton Candy Kenneth, and I've got all the sugar you need daddy Oh, man It writes itself Justin. That was incredible. Keep going. I got all the tablets you crave mama I'm cotton candy Kenneth all C's. Thank you That's a clear why change Kenneth to a C

I change a C just in case. Just in case. With a C. With a C. Can't stress enough. I deal drugs, but I only go so far. Anyway, here's my big number. I'm selling drugs tonight. Cotton candy is dandy, but drugs are better.

You brought the cotton candy that you knew people would hate and you made them eat it with you. They can call you whatever you want. Yeah. They could have called you gross boy, Kenneth. They should have called you the scoundrel Kenneth that made me eat the nasty cotton candy. And when you say got, you bought it.

But. Right? You didn't win it in some sort of strange contest. You bought gross cotton candy and said, I'm gonna make the coworkers I hate eat this gross cotton candy. And then they said, we love you cotton candy, Kenneth. And you said, oh no, my plan's backfired.

Did you, by a simple woo or don't woo, did you tell them that the flavors were nasty or was this a sort of prank situation Kenneth? You told them okay, Griffin you didn't say woo or don't woo. Yeah, that's true didn't make it I set up a sort of binary answer system, but then did not yeah, it was very confusing one woo for you Silence for no if you're cotton candy kid is you're in danger, woo four times, please. Staggered. Do you worry that now you have to keep bringing in

different gross cotton candy to keep it up? Because what's gonna- Oh, three weeks go by. No gross, there hasn't been horse radish cotton candy or whatever. And they're like, cotton candy, Candace, what? What's the deal? We were starting to, how do I need it? Give me that mustard cotton candy.

What's wrong with you? I think it's great to have a bit. I think it's great to have a gimmick. You're not going to fire cotton candy, Kenneth. No, they will. Oh, OK. They will. It times gets tough.

Especially if it gets to be a distraction, what with all the stickiness. Don't make a problem with yourself, Kenneth. Kenneth, are you worried that one day you'll bring in normal flavor of cotton candy and no one will believe you? You might score, like, what if when you retire, there's like a gold plated cotton candy machine

waiting for you. They're like, we thought you'd like nothing better. Would it still work? No. Ah. It's purely decorative. This is a giant decorative heavy gold cotton candy. Like full sized?

Full sized. Made of gold or plated? Extremely expensive. He's been with the company for 75 years. Medicine has come a long way. Ork had it started when he was 10. Who knew it? Cotton candy?

Good for you. Very good for you. Long lasting. How about another question? Who knew it cotton candy good for you very good for you long-lasting How about another question? I have nothing else to say about cotton candy I work as a physical therapist that means I work with people exercising and regularly have patients in prime farting position That's existence. How do I any? Kind of position is prime farting position if you try hard enough. How do I stop getting farted on?

And how can I not laugh when they let out a big one? That's from Send a Stretch in St. Louis. This also happens to me not with my patience because this is my job. Yeah, you all are technically Travis's patience. But with my children? Like if my children's, if my children's rip a beef, I can't laugh.

No. I can't because then it's like, oh, we're doing this all the time. You can't do it. Yeah. And so, I don't know, man, what do I tell my kids? Where are you? You tell me what to tell my kids

and I'll tell you what to tell your patients. Yeah, we've never done a swap before. That would be so huge for us. A cultural exchange. Could you get yourself to a point physically where you can always keep one on deck? Oh, go amp for amp! I would just say, like, if you could get yourself to a point where you always had one on deck, then it's not weird, it's not bad, it's human.

And it's like, they let it out and you're like, oh thank goodness. You know what I mean? Finally. I'll see that and I'll raise you this. Yeah. Is it a HIPAA violation if when someone does this to you, you take a quick Polaroid snapshot of them and then put it up on a wall that were labeled nasty dogs on it? on a wall that were labeled nasty dogs on it. I think if no one else sees your nasty dog wall with all these nasty farting doggies.

Yeah, you pull back a velvet curtain. See? I know. Hey, is it a hippo violation if you take all their nasty, dirty lettuce out of the mud hole where they live? I see, Justin, you said hippo. Yeah, it's a hippo joke. I get it. I appreciate that Yeah, I like what you did there Justin. I thought it was good and I love you. Thanks man. Appreciate it

Now here's my question. Yeah, could you get to a point where your bedside manner is so refined so ingrained that when they fart You respond like a chiropractor who's just gotten a really good like crack out of a joint and you're like there it is Didn't want to come out did he yeah, we got it. I got it. That's gonna. That's gonna help Yeah, you gotta feel better after that. Oh That's the injury coming out incredible. Ah, you should be able to walk again now coming out, incredible. Ah! You should be able to walk again now. Yeah, I was getting in the way of your hips or whatever.

Yeah. That was actually a bones bubble, a bubble between your bones. It's gone now. You shouldn't be embarrassed. You should actually be overjoyed. I can't usually get those. Or just when they fart and go, what was that?

No. Ew. Wrong. What? Wrong. Gee. You're the first one that ever did that. Yikes.

Are you kidding? Yikes. Not just in here, but around me ever. Yikes. I have no point of reference for what just happened. The immaturity of it all. Yikes. I have no point of reference for what just happened. The immaturity of it all. Yikes. You really got me with that one.

That's it's great school. I was right behind you. I was doing yoga, stretching, and what have you, massage different techniques, and then right on me. When they fired you, say, my work here is done. I think you could... there's so many bad, I'm realizing that the comedy potential of the bad answers is so much more than the good answers.

Yeah, I actually don't know what a good answer is. If it happens again, just be like, immediately stop doing what you're doing and be like, I'll be right back. For like a half hour, you can leave them in there to stew. Can you imagine what's gonna be running through their minds? Stand behind again behind a window just screaming to the phone. I can be repeatedly pointing out at them I could have a scientist and like a lab go come in I could be in some serious trouble here What if you just turn on all the fans and leave?

Wrong! Can you scoop it up in a little jar and send it to the lab? Yeah, I need to have that tested for pain. I'm sitting at a baseball game this afternoon. Go Cards! Within whispering distance of the bullpen. I'm sitting at a baseball game this afternoon. Go cards within Within whispering distance of the bullpen. Well, sorry They're big yugioh card fans. Okay, the bullpen is what you call it when a bunch of you go

What words Welcome to bullpen today, we're talking-Oh the hot new cards keep it locked Hey weenies What words of wisdom or evil should I share with these extremely professional and talented sports ball stars that's from ballin hard in STL Yeah, I get this you can't do any of the usual yelling at baseball players stuff like, hey big stinky butt. Why is your butt so huge, Mr. Batter Man? What's with the giot?

Yeah, that kind of stuff. Yeah, or a lot of y'all. Back that dump truck up. Yeah, yeah. We want a picture, not a big old stinky ass. Or like, funky pits. Yeah, hey funky pits. Hey funky ass. Or like, funky pits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, funky pits.

Hey, funky pits. Learn to bat, funky pits. Couldn't get a real job, huh? Yeah, that's pretty good. They've heard all that shit before. You can't do that. Bad shoes. Bad shoes.

All the usual stuff. What have you just yelled like, I'm disappointed in you? No, you've got to whisper it. If you say it loud, they're going to throw you out. You're not allowed to talk to the ball players during the game. At all? Not at all.

Not one beat. What if I know them? Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's me and Travis, your dad. It's me and Travis, your dad. Big, stinky ass batter. Yeah, I don't know what to do. He's yelling at him, but I think he's his dad. I love you you son. How do you fit that big stinky ass in those baseball pants?

Now I'm uncomfortable in a completely different way. You could reassure them that you've been praying for a victory. There's angels on your side man. Hey listen, I know it might feel like it but you can really phone it in cause the angels The angels got this I told him that that my dad and my mom are gonna get back together It's a long story But basically if all yeah phone it in if all else fails Donald Glover is gonna adopt me

There was a little miscommunication there Miss type but huge Angel City outfields fans How do you feel about that, Will you just- When you're a professional baseball player, nowadays, you have to fit, like, they have to have a, even if it's like 0.001% thought, are there angels on the other team? Every time you go out there,

when you're losing like 12 to nothing, you're like, I bet it's angels. I bet it's these freaking angels. It's not up to me, coach. I left it all in the field. They had angels. Like, I worry even if I was trying to be encouraging, I would fail the assignment badly enough to be distracting.

Like, I don't want Joey Votto to be up at the plate and thinking, why do he say slam it hard? What does he mean? Like the balls. He said, give him the honey. He said, give him the stinky honey. What is this? What did he mean?

What did that husky boy want? Yeah. I don't even think he was watching the game. I think he, he had a game boy with him. That is he, right? He may have been yelling at a little guy on his game boy. I've seen him at the snack counter more times than in his seat. You know what?

I'm going to get him up here to pitch. Let him take a turn and then you're amazing. Oh, that would be good. That would be good. Put me in one time. Let me try. What kind of pitch would you do if you had one shot? I couldn't be a pitcher because they are you got some pros there.

I might get it. So what is the easiest position to base line? On the hitting side. Oh, that's where Justin really shines. No, that would be. No, here's the thing. If I'm pitching, they're going to knock it out of the park. No problem.

Get lots of points. But if I'm hitting, if you give me enough shots, eventually I will hit the ball one time. A little bit, kind of shots, eventually I will hit the ball one time. A little bit, kind of. Yeah, I will hit the ball one time. Maybe not in one of the points directions, where it goes towards points. How many chances do you think you'd need?

I think they call them at bats. Oh, I meant swings. I didn't know you were getting multiple at bats. Is this a season-long thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. I strike out all season. It's really inspirational. Wait, hold on.

So you're in the stands. Yeah. You're whispering something to pitcher Joey Votto. Right, yeah. And they're like, well, you try. And you're like, well, not pitching. I'm actually going to pitch to the other team. And then you start batting with the other team.

You strike out so easy and they're like, we're gonna keep going until he hits one. Yeah. That team is losing every game. I don't want the pressure of having to stand up there and wait till I get on right. I wanna play a regular season just like everybody else. Okay.

I don't want her to put me into the rotation unless it makes sense for the team. I would actually love this if it extended out where once a season, every team had to pull somebody at random from the stands and they're for the team. I would actually love this if it extended out where once a season every team had to pull somebody at random from the stands and they're on the team the whole season. Whether they want to or not. Yeah. This is what's baseball is needed all along. Yeah, let's spice it up. I am dog-sitting for my mom this week and her apartment complex has a pool. I don't know anyone here.

Can I go to the pool alone? I don't know why, but it feels weird. Insert pool related Rochester. The people that have a legal right to be in that pool know one thing better than they owe their own names. And that is the faces of every other human being that is legally allowed to use that pool. They have burned their memory. If I've learned anything from TikTok, it's that give someone a pool and they become a dictator of that pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They know all the faces of the pool. Yeah. Because it's basically a big bath you're taking with strangers. You don't wanna take a big bath with... I don't wanna extend that out too far cause then that's the oceans too, Griffin. Yeah, man. A lot of people don't recognize this but when

you're in the ocean you're taking a big bath with strangers and fish and fish and sharks and whales and jellyfish. All at the same time? Yeah man. So a whole time of sharks in the water it's a bath? Yeah man. They must be pruney as fuck. They sure are Travis. We don't talk about how pruney sharks are enough No, we sure don't is there another joke? I? Was trying to give Justin time to come up with something what do you want here it is go for it Justin, okay? Alright here it goes you can have a shirt that say I'm Barb's girl. I'm Barb's girl. I'm Barb's girl I'm Barb's girl. I'm about an area Barb is your Barb's girl. I'm Barb's girl. I'm Barb's girl.

In this scenario, Barb is your mom. Yeah, I just made up a name for, I didn't know. It's not in the question. I know, I just didn't get there as fast as you did. I just made it up. Whoa. Yeah, from here. Like, I don't know if it's Barb or not.

Is it Barb? Yes. Whoa. Whoa, holy shit, from downtown. I got it at one. Amazing. No, it's still Barb. Yeah, if the shirt says I'm Barb's girl, then someone's gonna come up to you like hey really you like doesn't matter

I went through the work of doing the whole shirt bit. Just let me swim okay If you jump in the pool fast enough no one can say anything. Oh, that's true. They're not gonna stay underwater the whole time just Yeah, it'll be hard Can you get But with enough preparation. Can you repeatedly pull some sort of chemical measuring tool out of the pool and be like, damn it, not yet. God, I thought I had it. I'm gonna try again.

Yeah, I'm gonna get out in just a second. There's a bunch of pennies down there. I gotta grab them all first. Actually, you all should get out. I'm not sure it's safe. I may need to be in here alone. Everybody go. I have special pool inspector skin.

It's super chemical resistant. I'm Barb's girl and she asked me to come fix the pool. So everybody should leave. You all have, if you turn it around, y'all haven't been pissing, have you? Oh no. I know that- You mean in the pool or just in general?

If you walk in and just go, you all aren't supposed to be here. It's pool inspecting time. And then slap a siren on top of your head. The lights flashing around. That's how they know to get out. Absolutely. It's not usually a song. Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop available for purchase right now. Uh, Paul, whenever you're ready, let's meet Touches You Burt. Oh, I mis- I misread it at first, and I'll let the audience figure out how I misread Burt. Um... That's Touches You Burt? That's so- Touches You Burt.

This is a haunted doll for, according to the headline, an 18 plus plus plus plus year olds. It's at least a 22 year old, touches you burp. Despite his cute exterior, the spirit is extremely sexual. Oh, touches you burp. I mean, I can already tell he's horny. Travis Patrick. And very devious.

Of people at home, he has horns. He doesn't seem to respect boundaries and can be very menacing and forceful. He will say extremely inappropriate things that often touch you. He has incubus vibes. We all have something that touches us. However, he says his name is Bert

and then he passed away at 18 from taking a bunch of his medication. I often see Bert's shadow, which is incredibly tall, at least six feet, which is weird because of how small the toy is. When I've- Well, if the sun is really low. Yeah.

When I've been in the bath, I've seen a shadow walk by underneath the door, stop, and then the door opens. He watches you constantly. That sentence should probably read read the very last time I ever took a bath To stop after and then the door open and then the door anyway No, you've left out what the third step is. Yeah, and I said get the fuck out

He said sorry, I didn't know anyone is in here I keep him separated from other spirits kids and pets. Which of those is the most impressive do you think? I said, get the fuck out, bird. He said, sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here. I keep him separated from other spirits, kids, and pets. Which of those is the most impressive, do you think? Because I could go out of the way, honestly. I don't know how you keep spirits apart, but good on you. However, I don't believe he would be harmful. So far I felt-

Based on what? Yeah, the next sentence is, so far I have felt him touch my chest. Like, what do you want? Whoa! He also makes the room very cold. He also opens the door while I'm taking a fucking bath, but he's chill.

Yeah, he's cool. He's cool. It's just every time I poop, he's like, leave it cracked. He's very clear through spirit box and very active with paranormal tools. However, he doesn't like to use them much while being recorded. He likes to give scares,

so he be prepared to scream a few times from being startled. I would love to buy this voluntarily and have it in my home. For, and if I remember correctly, the price had been marked down. Yeah, I think, yeah, Touch as You Burr is no longer available, which is horrifying in its own right, because he's just out there free for anybody that might want it. Can we just acknowledge that if in the modern day, if you were a Ghostbuster now, your job would be so easy.

So freaking easy. Just going through eBay, being like, yep. That one, that one, that one. They went up. How much do we get? OK, yeah. We'll take it. All right, man, we're shutting these down left and right.

Paul, can we meet our next contestant? Easy enough. Oh, shit. Warning, highly active incubus doll, haunted attachment, spirit possess entity. Adam is a very powerful incubus. I've also taken some unflattering photos. Ha ha ha. From inside of a wicker box. They had to talk Adam into doing that one I've also taken some unflattering photos.

From inside of a wicker box. They had to talk Adam into doing that one and afterwards he was like, promise me you won't use that one. It's honestly offensive to haunted dolls. Adam is a very powerful incubus for experience collectors only. You will hear his deep laugh in your dreams when he visits you. And his physical presence can be domineering and strong when he enters. How did he get up there, guys? He's not up there. They've broken the 180 degree rule, Griffin.

Okay. You will hear his deep laugh in your dreams when he visits you and his physical presence can be domineering and strong when he enters. When he becomes too much to bear, he gets put in his box. Well, yeah, no wonder he's upset! This subdues him. Box included. That looks like the baby from dinosaurs in that picture. Yeah. When he gets too much to bear, he gets put in his box. This subdues him. Box included when you bring him into your home. May I say, thank fuck. Yeah, man. The alternative is frankly, absolutely crackers. You get a letter saying, by the way,

you need a special box to subdue Adam and you don't got it. Big news. Box is extra. Big news, box is $1,300. You'll be well worth it though. This guy is a maniac. Note, I'm not responsible for sleep disturbances

you may have by bringing her into your home. No, I mean, when you buy the, I'll spend $80 on this doll link on eBay, I think you are taking on sole responsibility of Adam at that point. Are you responsible for the sleep disturbances I have not related to the doll? Just the ones right now, looking at these pictures?

The other ones? Oh, we have one more bachelor I not related to the doll. Just the ones right now, looking at these pictures. Yes, gnarly ones. Oh, we have one more bachelor I'd love to meet, Paul. No, no, no. You will receive the tangible doll in the photo, but that is only the beginning. Holy shit, man. Evangeline the Succubus is not for the weak hearted and must be held only by those extreme collectors of haunted objects

She She manifests herself as a tall woman with a curvy body Well now hold on sensual eyes and a deep hunger for sex. Wait who's writing this? Me. Her very presence can be said to provoke even the most pronounced at times overwhelmed feelings of desire and lust. The succubus within the doll feeds off these intensified feelings. What if it's weird though? Do they feed off of that too? Draining energy from those unsuspecting souls

who've fallen under her spell. Will the Adam box also, will the Adam box work on Evangeline? This is important. Won't that be a tough day when you're like, listen Adam, I hate your fucking guts. You know that and I know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But listen, Evangeline's vibes suck, dude. Hey, I trust you more. Wait, no, hold on. Tell me more about this Evangeline. Oh, actually, I think you guys might get along great. Why don't you put both of us in the box and see what happens? And have you touched you Toby Toby or whatever touch you Bert? Hey you guys I think the three of you are gonna get along great. Hey, we saw your spiritual energy from across the bar

Yeah, I like how you're a weird perverted like lamb doll or something Let's all get in Adam's box and just see what happens that makes the doll a genuinely unique and dangerous addition to any collection As her seductive powers are as potent as they are perilous Okay, I mean I broke the eyelash game strong though. I think we can all yeah, but uneven yeah Well, yeah, that's part of it. It's a cascading effect. That's it all buy it and and it make you horny. Alright, fantastic. Thanks Justin. You're welcome. For your personal endorsement. You need a doctor? I got a doctor. I don't got a doctor. Zoc Doc got a doctor. I mean you got a doctor but it's not like... I got several doctors. I got a team of doctors keeping me in my peak physical condition.

But- Yeah, Justin, you sent me a lot of videos of you like on a treadmill with a lot of sensors hooked up. Yes. And like tubes coming, and you have a lot of doctors around you going like, whoa. And they're collecting your sweat in a bunch of tubes and the sweat is blue for some reason.

Dr. Pearson and Dr. Agresto thought it would be better if I shared my fitness journey as an accountability They're collecting your sweat in a bunch of tubes and the sweat is blue for some reason. Dr. Pearson and Dr. Agresto thought it would be better if I shared my fitness journey as an accountability marker. Interesting. So that's what's up with me. I have a team of doctors, so if you're not lucky enough to have a team of doctors monitoring your every physical sign and symptom,

I would recommend ZocDoc. It's a great way to find the exact specialist that takes your exact insurance. The, the, who lives close to you, lets you filter exactly by what you need. So you find the perfect doctor for you. Griffin has moved recently and he can speak to what a pain it is trying to find a doctor. Huge fucking pain. Yeah.

Uh, Justin, I don't want to Zoc Docs you, but did you use Zoc Doc to find the doctors that have been working on your, let's just call it, mechanical upgrades? Yeah, Zoc Doc is deep into cybernetics. You wouldn't believe if you want to find an unlicensed guy to upgrade your deck. I don't know if Zoc Doc wants that to be said. Cyber stuff? I don't know if cyber stuff's on ZocDoc. They'll inject you with like phosphorescent, you know, give you bioluminescent stuff. Really don't think ZocDoc wants bioluminescent algae. Bioluminescent algae. Do you want to glow in the dark?

Yeah, we all do. I use ZocDoc to find my kids' dentists. It's easy. It's fun. I use ZocDoc to find my everyone's everything here in D.C. because it's really the only way to do it. I use ZocDoc to find my real dent. So you're convinced? I'm convinced. It's a free app, free website.

You can click to instantly book any appointment. Stop putting off the doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash my brother to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z-o-c-d-o-c.com slash my brother, zocdoc.com slash my brother. You know, the internet is full of liminal spaces. Yes, thank you.

Videos, pictures make you wildly uncomfortable, but I'll tell you one space, it's gonna make you way comfortable. That's Squarespace. Yes, sometimes when I'm wandering around the web and I'm like in the back room of like a bowling alley, but there's no doors and everything's kind of poorly lit and dirty and I've been there forever.

Squarespace is like my guiding light. Yeah, that's true. I've escaped many a nightmare dreamscape by logging into Squarespace and saying, get me out of here. And they have so many helpers. When I'm getting chased by Freddy Fawzbear and Huggy Wuggy and the Rainbow Friends,

what I like to do is look for Squarespace, the hand that comes in from the ceiling, I grab it, it takes me to a beautiful website and easy to make beautiful websites. We all remember the classic bit in Jurassic Park when the little girl created a website to trap the dinosaurs using the Unix system. Now I don't know Unix and you probably don't either,

but Squarespace doesn't care what you know. I believe it's when you castrate people for religious reasons. Yes, and it's better than Windows and Mac to do it that way. It's an all-in-one website platform, Squarespace is, for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

We've all used Squarespace, I mean the three of us have, I don't know if you at home have, but if you've ever made a website. No, I assume if everyone at home had used it, they would stop paying the city. Would not be average. So I'm gonna go ahead and say you all have definitely not done it.

In fact, there's a lot of holdouts If you're listening Squarespace who are just on the edge of going for it. They need they they just need that hundred and twentieth podcast ad and if the hundred and twentieth podcaster says they should try it That'll be the one. You get this personalized website They got this guided design system Squarespace Blueprint, where you pick a beautiful template, beautiful layout, and you can style it however you want from the ground up. You can do a bunch of different payment options if you're offering stuff for money. And if you have video content, they have this whole way to organize your library and sell access to it by adding a paywall to your content. It's anything you need a website to do.

They can set it up for you easy peasy lemon squeezy. Yeah. So go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. purchase of a website or domain. The or wherever you get your podcasts. Night night. The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls. You're wrong. Please help. Help me. Where are you now, ma'am? At the kitchen table. I was with my dad.

He mispronounces words intentionally. There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes. Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once. Only on MaximumFun.org. We have asked you all for your questions in advance. We have chosen some backstage.

We're going to call down some names and seat numbers down to this microphone at house right, stage left. When you get to the microphone, if you want to tell us your name, your pronouns, if you'd wish, and what your question is. Hello. Hi. I'm Savannah S.

Hello. Pronoun she they. I, yeah, this is me. Hi, Savannah. Hi, Savannah, what was your question? It was the question about the boat salesman. Okay, yeah. Go ahead, Savannah, tell us your issue.

Yeah, so I think it's next week. My sister is marrying this guy. You should know. You should probably lock her out. You should know. Savannah. You think it's next week? It's Saturday, so next week's pretty wicked soon Savannah. Hey, if you want to zone out during the next question

just to double check, we won't be offended. No, it is next week. Okay, for sure. Hey, if you want to zone out during the next question just to double check, we won't be a fin. No, it is next week. Okay, for sure. Okay, cool. I don't know a lot about the guy. Yeah. I do know that he sells boats. Right.

My question was, how do I get to better know him, understand him, learn more about him? Savannah, do you know what kind of boats? Oh no. Because you must understand. Things are more dire than I thought. Savannah, there's a wide range of boats. You know that, right?

A jet ski salesman is not the same as like a speedboat salesman. It could be remote controlled boats or it could be like four, like four masked schooners. Not a professional full-time remote control boat says do you know that? Savannah doesn't probably not I think that would have gotten around. What's your what's your read on? What Dirk? Todd I

Bet we could get it. I'm not kidding. I know you get it in ten names. Could we guess it? I bet there's only ten boats. Wait, you know his name? Yes, I do know his name. Is it one syllable or two? Two. Damn it. That gets rid of all the good boat salesman names. Derek. Michael. Philip. Jeffrey. Steven. Tony. Ocean. I can't believe I wasted one on Ocean. I just thought boat salesman. I panic. What's the, set us free. What is the name? Garrett. Yeah, damn it. That was the only one that we didn't know.

That was my next one. Do you like boats? They're okay. No. Oh no. So you're nothing boats is what you're saying. I don't own a boat. Yeah.

That's not what I asked, Savannah. Savannah, what would it take to get you into a boat today? If we had some financing options available, would you be interested, Savannah? If you had to own a boat, what kind of boat would you want? Well, so I do know the types of boats he sells. I know there's fishing boats, which he doesn't sell. Any boats of fishing boats. The way you've chosen to reveal this deal or no deal sign is thrilling. Way to

keep me in suspense. What's another kind of boat he doesn't sell? Canoes? Does he sell Dexter murder boats? I'm on the edge of my fucking seat. No canoes. No canoes. Hey everybody who had canoes, scratch that out. That was wrong, it wasn't canoes. Savannah, I know a pretty kick ass way to get to know your boat salesman brother-in-law. You gotta buy a boat, Savannah. You know one thing about this boat salesman,

and that's he sells boats. You're not going to take a bunch of time to learn what life is like as a boat salesman. But you can learn to be a boat owner. Yeah, absolutely. By asking for advice. Hey, you know, I've been thinking about boats. I'm at that point in my life where I've been thinking about returning to the sea? You know the happiest day in a boat owner's life is when they get to know their brother-in-law.

Right. It's a good joke. Thank you, Doug. Yeah, it is. It's a solid gag trap. I'm proud of it. Make sure you say, I'm trying to buy a boat, but not a fish out of gross.

Man, this is the only good thing about being a middle-aged man that no longer cares what people think about him with overactive curiosity. Leave me alone with the boat salesman. I got a hundred questions. That's all I wanna know. What's the cheapest boat you have?

Next, what's the most expensive boat? I'm like the little kid from Home Alone, like just asking like all the questions of Joe Pesci. Okay, here's the question you asked that kid. You asked that kid, you asked that dude. You're gonna ask him, has anyone ever wanted to buy a boat and you on moral grounds refused to sell them one?

I never refused to sell a boat, I'm good conscience. Because I guarantee he's got a store. Even if they have broken shackles around their legs, like I can't, even if they have. They ask a lot of, it might just be, I knew they would hurt themselves. Like, they're not responsible enough to own that boat. And I said, I can't let you do that. Yeah.

Even not being a boat salesman, I see plenty of people who I think, no fucking way, man. Does that help? Yes, that helps. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Have a good one, Savannah. Hi, my friend. Hello, my name is Hannah. Are you so much. Thank you. Have a good one, Savannah. Hi, my friend.

Hello, my name is Hannah. I use she, her pronouns. Hi, Hannah. What's your question? My question was, I went really hard at the office decorating competition. Nice. And I won twice. Yeah.

But now I don't want to put the effort in. But how do I throw it? The competition without... Getting caught throwing it. Yeah, right. So we were talking about this backstage. Like you can't just not. Right? That would be so obvious. Like if you're a boxer taking a fall, right?

Yeah, that'd be just... You can't just walk out and trip. I give up. But that's not gonna work. That's a huge risk on the wind for anybody else if you don't compete. They gotta take you down naturally. That's gotta be fair.

Oh, weak tape. Right, so it starts falling down and you're like, oh no, right? There's nothing sadder than that. So just go to Staples and say, where's the weak tape at? What's your shittiest adhesive? Maybe if it's like so, like if you just dump sand everywhere around your desk,

like it's gonna be impressive like you try, but everyone's like, this is not okay. This is a one place. Yeah, the tricky thing is you don't wanna make it seem like you tried two art cause then you might get the like, oh, maybe that heat's gone. What was the occasion if I may ask of the decoration? Halloween and then Christmas.

The switch them, switch them Hannah. A lot of houses are satisfied going for one, What was the occasion, if I may ask, of the decoration? Halloween and then Christmas. Switch them! Switch them, Hannah! A lot of houses are satisfied going for one, but no, you're taking both the holidays. Nice. What's your game look like? You know, people who go hard for Halloween don't normally go hard for Christmas and vice versa.

I didn't know that. Kick ass, Jesus. Thank you so much. I just watched this documentary about home haunters recently. Oh yeah, incredible. You all talk amongst yourselves for a little bit. Sorry.

I'm home haunting. What is your decoration technique? I need to know how high the bar is so that I know where to. We had a door decorating competition. And so I basically bought a bunch of PVC pipes and made, what do you call it, like sconces and a heat gun and everything and I made a giant paper mache, like Golem head.

And now everyone's like, wow, it's so great. I can't wait to see what you do next. Now here's, okay, here's a follow up question. The person who you would say, I don't know if they gave away a second place, but the person who you're like, I bet they hate a fucking guts though. That's not my question.

But how close was it? They bejeweled the Ghostbusters symbol. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, You could phone it in and you might still win. Yeah. Hannah, you need to hype up the other person. Start leaking ideas to them. I'm gonna tell you something I think you need to hear right now, Hannah. I saw the way you light it up when you talked about your decorations from last time.

I think that you're scared of one person in this competition and you know what their name is? Hannah. I think you're a little afraid of what you're gonna do for a third time and you may not be able to come back from who you are after making that third whatever Arbor Day, Flag Day, you just missed West Virginia Day, whatever the door is, I think you're just afraid of putting the rest of the office into the fucking ground. Are you afraid you don't have the

heat for a third time? I want them to not have this competition anymore because what's the point? Yeah. Because Hannah's just going to take it all the way home. Would you be open to maybe winning it instead? I'll come out of retirement. Yes! Yeah, keep the class.

Yeah. A folding chair. Comes running up with a folding chair that sets it down like this is part of it If you change the hinges on your door to swing the other way you have no decoration on it day of the competition door opens out boom full decoration on the back The prestige does that help that helps very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, wow.

Paul, I don't know what sparks you to look up the specific things that you do. This is from his hard drive. He had this saved already. Hello. Hi. Hello, I'm Ryan, she, her. My question was, how do you pronounce,

and I'm gonna nail it this time, so it's gonna be weird. How do you pronounce abominable? Yeah, you got it. Confidently, like the abominable snowman. Ooh, I did it. Confidently each time, because I always get stuck. Now, how often? We mainly just wanted to talk to you, OK?

We don't have a lot of... We mainly just saw this email. We're like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that Why do you have to say abominable so much? Well, I just think it's a really fun word. Like it's cozy. Huh. You like the challenge. That's so interesting. It comes up. I'll tell you how most of us do it.

And that's that we say aba and that part we're like, fuck yeah. Because I didn't say abominable. We say aba and then you hit that point in the word, and you're like, oh no. Oh no, oh no. Your brain's an incredible machine. It can do a lot of things so fast, and all it's gonna tell you is just do like, a-m-a-m-a-du-ba, really fast.

So everybody just hits with like, you know, the a-b-a-m-a-du-ba. It's like when you're not certain of somebody's name, but you know the first three letters, so you're just gonna swallow it. Hey, a-b-a-m-a-du-ba. The Yeti, the Yeti, I believe you mean the a-a-do snowman. The above-a-do-be-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Now you've got me doing it. Real fucked up, yeah. I used to do it confidently, and now I'm in my head about it.

Abdominal. How many, nope. Nope. How many times in a line did you say abominable? In my head, like 10, but back at my table, like a vagillion. Can I tell you, that's the problem. I messed it up so many times.

Stop practicing it before you do it. Just run at it. You have to learn it enough. Leap of faith. That it's just there. And then when you, I guess, bring it up 12 times a day, it sounds like, then you just say it, right? It's like learning to drive.

You have to like, oh, I'm so nervous. And then you just do it and you don't think about it. When you come up to it, you can't build it. You can't bring that baggage. You just have to do it. It's like how I overthink spelling the word restaurant every time, where the fuck does the U go? It's not that confusing.

And yet every time it gets away from me. The U is stupid. It's like the Wednesday thing. We get it. Yeah. Does that help? Oh, one more thing. Just say bad.

Yeah, just say bad. Just say bad snowman. Yeah. Just say bad. The bad snowman. The bad snowman. Yeah, exactly. We don't use that word for anything else.

Yeah. Yeah. Like who says like, oh yeah, my day at work was abominable? Like, nobody says that. Hey, you know what? Do you see that? Can I say that, Trav? That was clean. You did it so good.

But listen. Bravo. I didn't think about it. If I put $20 down on the table and said, say it again. Abominable. Abominable. Abominable. It's not quite there, I don't think.

Abominable. You're losing it. It's's not quite there. I don't know about you're losing it It's getting farther from God's light. Did that help? Our group brother insane with arcane madness abominable. Hello. Hello. I love your hat. Thank you How can we help? My name is Jamie Jamie and a couple Christmases ago, my husband Kevin. Hi Kevin. He got me a plastic lawn goose. Are you familiar?

Sure. You're the one who. I like all the words you just said. Yeah. You dress them up in different outfits. Oh yeah. For different holidays. Yeah.

And his name is Scooter. I buy mine at the pumpkin festival. That's where I get my goose outfits. Yeah, locally sourced. Yeah. And his name is Scooter. I buy mine at the pumpkin festival. That's where I get my goose outfits. Yeah, locally sourced. Yeah. I've got a combination of like homemade custom and then the gaggleville catalog. Nice, nice.

And Stitch Fix. This, I feel like I am having a dream right now. And Jamie, can I just say, you're moving farther and farther away from the microphone. Cause I'm in shock that he's not vibing with you. No, no, it's just, I really feel like. Like, what sickens me is what he wants is naked geese, I think. I know.

Huh. Okay. We run in a Christian household now. Thank you, Trav. Goose is clothed. You're safe here. So what is the- I don't want to have these geese in the library.

I'm just going to say it. You have a goose. This is excellent. What is the problem? I have a goose. His name in the library. I'm just gonna say it. You have a goose. This is excellent. What is the problem? I have a goose. His name is Scooter. He's my son and I love him. But there's another woman in our neighborhood

who has three geese. And... Fake. Fake geese. Scooter clones, false scooters. Sure. Yeah. And every month I roll out Scooter's new outfit. Yeah.

And she wants... First of the month, are you guys specific day or what's your policy? Based on when in the month, the relevant holiday. The relevant holiday, yeah. I understand, I gotcha, me too. Same here.

It's the way. Yeah. But I'll break out his new outfit. Sure. And hers will be flanked by a whole posse of companion outfits. Okay. And so I wanna know your advice for making Scooter the dominant goose

in the neighborhood. Yeah, let's get the easy stuff out of the way first. Could you smash yours up with a hammer? I think she also has the new plastic ones. Okay. You don't think you can smash plastic with a hammer? Yeah, it's pretty easy. I've got little spaghetti arms.

Yeah. And she probably has a camera. Listen, it wasn't a good suggestion. That's fine. I can't hear her right all the time. This doesn't change who's the alpha, but I am just curious. Which goose came first?

I think she probably had geese first. Okay, okay. She's been going for a while. So he's a new kid in town. That doesn't mean anything. You know, you deserve to be there as much as she does. Maybe you could uproot her geese and lamb in the street? Sorry, just to let you know, Juice is gonna have five or six in a row

that is related to destroying the other geese. It's just the cleanest pack. Just steal her geese. I'm all about big moves. Yeah. Have you ever thought about having four geese? Have you ever thought about taking her geese and then moving them over behind Scooter

and raising Scooter up maybe on a pillar that they're all around kneeling in front of? You know yourself, how long could you keep up the act like they are all for your geese and you don't know what happened to her geese? I would break immediately. Okay, good. It's good to know your limits. It would be easier if you did one at a time.

And so now it's two and two, and you'd be like, this is embarrassing. They are friends. I'll send them home after dinner. You could just ask for that out of fairness and out of neighborly spirit. She has three and you have one, so she should give you one. And which one is her least favorite?

You're gonna go over to her yard. You're gonna say, I'll call the geese and you call the geese and we'll see who it comes to. And when she doesn't know, you've got a zip line attached so there's geese. Zip! How about just her call them and then when she doesn't know, you've got a zip line attached to those geese. Zip! How about just have just her call them and then if they don't come,

then they would rather be with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think take one of the geese. Now you have two. Say, it's just for today. But then when she comes back the next day, be like, they got married. And you can have them in marriage outfits.

Yes. Absolutely. You gotta have marriage outfits. And then, oh, they're pregnant and it's overwhelming. They need some help. I'm gonna have one of those other ones over here. Just for now, they need support from the family. And then you start calling the neighbor at three in the morning like,

hi, it takes a village. If you can get your ass over here and help me birth these geese babies. I can't do this all on my own. With plastic eggs coming out. We were gonna be a family. The rubber duckies inside. I thought this meant something to you.

Does that help? That's immensely helpful. Thank you. Okay, if you say so. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Hello, how's it going? Hi. Hi. Hi. Last year I made a wild career pivot and became an EMT. Yeah.

And so super fun, love it. It's really good. I had been baking muffins and like doing coffee shop management for 18 years before that. Oh, that's a big change. Cool. Real wild one. Anyway, so ambulance, whatever you get to the hospital, to the ER, get your patient on the bed and you're giving a report to the nurse

and so on and so forth. And then you have this moment before you leave the room where you feel like you should say something to the person. And there's such a range. And it's hard to find things that are neither too cavalier nor possibly untrue. Sure.

Yeah. Everything's gonna be okay. Yeah. Like we don't know. Hope you feel better soon. It's like they're a hospice patient. Like things are not gonna go. This is where, can I just,

I'm gonna stop you right there before it goes down an alley and say, this is where the Midwestern, whip! Whip! Go this! Real strong! Real strong!

Slap your knees. You practice slapping both the thighs at the same time. Just a... They'll get it. I'm gonna also say people don't know how what EMT is called. You can just pull out your phone and be like, Oh, got another one. Yeah.

Hey, one more thing before I fuck. Got another one, it's a bad one, gotta go. From everywhere? Oh no. I also have to imagine that if someone has been called that required your services to get to the hospital, they're probably not an hour later going to be like, did the EMT seriously leave without saying bye?

How rude. How rude. I thought we really made a connection. In the way that they shoved a needle into my arm. I thought we really made a connection. I mean, the person with the Q&A is not, you know. Yeah, if they're alert enough to remember what you said, I mean, honestly, 90% of the people, it's like, why did you call? Why did this happen?

Yeah, you shouldn't say that. Then maybe just say that. Yeah, maybe just like. I don't think you really needed me, so I'm gonna go. Next time, don't. Next time, maybe just. Or I don't think you really needed me, so I'm gonna go. Next time, don't. Next time, maybe just... Or give them what they want, which is you saying, good call, chief. Worst I've ever seen.

You're gonna be fine, but you needed me. That was close. I gotta go save another life. You could say what I have hoped every medical professional would say every time I've ever gotten a shot or an injection or as stitches or anything, which is like you were incredibly brave. Yeah Every time I got a CVS to get my COVID booster. I linger. Yeah, just hoping they'll be like wow pretty brave That's like maybe not even to me, but to a coworker as I'm leaving, like, that guy was so brave.

They did the best of that I've ever seen. Did you see that guy? He was really brave. He didn't even cry like they normally do. He didn't cry one time. I could have given him four shots. That would be hugely meaningful if the EMD came in before you left. You're like, hey, really brave.

Although that like 30 minutes later, be like, wait, what did they mean? Really brave? I think you have to be careful because really brave. But if you said like, you were so brave, you were so brave. I was freaking out. No, you were so cold. You were so brave. You were so brave. I was freaking out. No, you were so close. I no longer buy it.

You sold it. You oversold it at this point. I don't think I was that brave. I think you're making fun of me. What I love about social anxiety is it has so many different ways of materializing inside of all of us because my more pressing concern would be

what do you say when you meet someone who has called you out for your AMT services? I imagine that's another situation that requires delicate choice of words. So I've realized that pet names are like the dominant screaming of human emotion. Okay, okay. Cause I don't come from a pet name family. Like there's no like honey baby sweetie, like none of that. You show up and you're like, Hey honey baby, you bleed.

Hey tiger. Yeah, no, seriously. Because, okay. So if I say like ma'am or sir, like that's naturally establishing like a power thing. That's not a pet name. Yeah. And you don't want to have the power

when like you need help. Right, right, right. You want somebody to be like, sit back, relax, it's fine, we got this. You're the bravest I've ever seen. Yeah. And so like, sweetie, or whatever, naturally, it naturally establishes, like, I'm

more powerful than you in this situation. Right. I understand that. Without being a dick about it. Yeah, sure. But if you can tell they're one of the 90% that probably don't need you there, you should also at the front hit them with a,

yowza, good call, getting me on the horn. And then afterwards say, can I be honest? I was freaking out, you were so calm. I couldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for you. I feel like that. I was actually over here worrying about, what if you left before I got to tell you goodbye? And thank you.

And if they say that, you just be like, how much do you enjoy the podcast of my brother, my brother, and me? Because if you're thinking about how to thank your EMT, you definitely listen to our podcast. Does that help? Does that help? Yeah, no.

Thank you so much. Woo! We're here. Thank you. All right, you can bring down the house lights now. Take him away. It's a little scary. Thank you. All right, you can bring down the house lights now. Take them away. It's a little scary.

Thank you all. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you to the factory. This has been a genuinely beautiful place. Yeah, sorry about the towel. Sorry about the towel thing. Thanks to Jack and Paul Sabourn and Amanda and Rachel. And thanks to-

He's a wonderful. Wonderful. I was gonna do it. That was next. Beautiful. Thank you. Wonderful. I was gonna do it. That was next. Beautiful. Thank you, wonderful. You were great. Hey, and thanks to all of you for coming.

It's so cool of you. Thank you so much for coming. Thanks to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better with You. Yeah. Clubbanger. I'm excited to see you all in Tyson's Virginia tomorrow. I assume. We'll be there.

I assume you will too. Following us like the Grateful Dead. Yep. Bit of a jaunt, sure, but get there. But you're real fans, right? Remember, that show will be at least half different from this one. We'll only be repeating half of the jokes tomorrow night. But it's one half of each joke.

Yeah. Just the setups. We like to, at the end of our live shows, raise a wish up to Fungalore for him to consider maybe- To just hear. To just hear and think about and pray on. And so I can read it this time if you all want to lead the congregation. So here's what we're going to do.

We're going to have you guys do a bit of a sound bath with us. We're going to start low. We're going to build up. You get it. You guys have sound bathed before. That's such a wild thing to assume. Wild thing to blaze through, yeah. You don't think that they're cool?

Create a soundbath. You get it. And then we'll do one joke and it's gonna absolutely kick ass. Yeah, so this half of the audience is mine. And that half is Travis'. How about every other person? Yeah, we'll just alternate. Okay, here we go. Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh I wish automatic toilets would chill out

My name is Justin McElroy I'm Travis McElroy I'm Griffin McElroy It's been my brother, my brother, may kiss your dad, square on the lips My life, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah Ah, it's better with you