My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 729: Put a Slim Jim in My Coin Hole

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Are you ready to take a deep dive into the Dunkin-verse? We sure aren’t! We’re too busy buying honey directly from bees, collecting other people’s crunchy leaves, and holding our breath while someone else tries to describe boba. Suggested talking points: Eating Goku, Whiffin Griffin, Theftbot, Soft Oven-Baked Nilla Wafers, A Normal Amount of Dead Birds, Active Boba Listening Equal Justice Initiative: https://eji.org/about/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed It's ripened into a precious friendship I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach

My life, it feels like Life, ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you My life, ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you This is true, ah ah ah It's better, it's better with two My life, ah, it's better with you.

Hello everybody, welcome to my brother my brother meeting, advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Trav Nation, and I'm gonna be your moderator tonight. I'm Travis, Big Dog, Woof Woof, McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Please don't, I don't wanna do a debate thing. Is it airing off today on the stage? Fuck, I don't wanna do this joke.

It's Griffin and Justin. And they're debating who loves their middle brother the most. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother McElroy. You guys already did that. Okay. Yeah, I was just trying to reset. I didn't like the way this came out.

The vibe was all off. The first and only question we've got here tonight, how much do you love your brother Travis? Not right, okay. I'll add, thank you so much, first of all, to the moderator and to ABC for all the great shows that they've put on over the years. And to our sponsor Wingstop.

Thank you to Wingstop so much. Justin ate my dog. And a lot of people are like, Griffin, how come no pets? You're the only one no pets. And I'm like, well, I was doing it. I was doing the pet thing, had a little dog. His name was Goku.

And then one day Justin came to my house and I was like, what a delightful surprise. My brothers come to visit me in my house, and he opened a mouth like a Beetlejuice monster, and that's one time we've said his name so far, this episode, so let's be really fucking careful. And he ate my whole dog. He ate Goku?

He ate, he ate Goku. And so he is eating Goku. He did eat him. He's gone now. So I don't have a dog. He died in Justin's mouth. And so I think that I love Travis. I think he's pretty cool. Let's go to Justin in the spin zone.

Justin, you're- Wait, he's already in the spin zone? He's spinning for himself. Thank you. Justin really, I's already in the spin zone? He's spinning for himself. Thank you. Thank you. Justin really, I thought, got done tonight what he needed to get done,

and that was let Griffin talk until he had embarrassed himself into a corner. And I feel like by not contributing to the question, Justin really got done everything he needed to do tonight. I think his camp is going to be thrilled. Wait, I didn't know about that. I didn't know about that. I didn't know about that.

Fuck. Okay, let's go to Griffin over at Griffin News. Hold on, we can't leave the spin zone. I just found out I fucked up. You're in the spin zone now, Griffin. You're spinning yourself. This is your chance to counter it. You're going counterclockwise though.

But the debate's still, but it's also we're still- The debate's still going. You guys are also in the spin zone and you're back in the studio analyzing the spin that came out of the spin zone. You pre-record, everybody knows you pre-record the spin zone as the debate's going on

or else you'll forget what you're supposed to spin. Yeah, exactly. It's the remix zone. Okay, Griffin, which one of those zones do you wanna be in? I still actually, even now, a few minutes in, and I thought I landed some solid hits in those first few minutes, don't wanna do this bit very much.

Okay, let's go to Justin in the studio analysis of what Griffin's just said. Justin. Is he, Justin not gonna say his own stuff? Is Justin not gonna have to say his own stuff? I thought that was you in the spin zone! I'd love to spin. Sure, I'm sorry, but it does seem like Griffin

is flailing again. They're starting to, he's starting to get a reputation for it. Flailing Griffin, they call him. Grasping Griffin. Wiffen. Just anything he can. Wiffen Griffin. Wiffen Griffin.

Wiffen Griffin. So soon Justin's gonna say stuff and then I'm gonna spin his dick off, right? So Griffin, we're gonna go to Griffin in the audience to kind of get a man on the street response to how this is all going. Now, Griffin, how do you think it's going between Griffin and Justin today do you think it's going

between Griffin and Justin today? I think it's unfair and I think the moderator sucks shit and I think he's a shithead. And I think that he shit his own pants before he came in here and he came in here without putting new pants on. Oh, what's that? Griffin's actually the moderator, it turns out.

Let's go to moderator Griffin to respond to what Griffin, the audience member just said. What do you think Griffin? I didn't shit my pants. I do have one debate related topic that I think is okay to talk about. Good baby, double down, let's do it more. No, we can all agree on this one.

I saw a few different sources of debate coverage last night where they at some point interviewed undecided voters. And I like that because you know, when you see them, you know exactly how much that person wants to be on TV. Cause they came to me to be like, hey, we will put you on TV if you will look at a TV camera with a straight face go, I don't know. And also-

Don't know, I, thinking about it. Also, this is a big political stance I'm about to take and I might regret it, but no, you're fucking not. Yeah. I can listen to you say two sentences about any topic and I'll be like, I know exactly who the fuck you've already decided to vote for. Here's the thing, I'm having a more fun conversation

than you're having. Oh, is that okay? What I'm saying is, this is a fiction. It is about like wrestling. Yeah. The news people are like, this is super important. This debate is because of these absolute maniacs. And then there's eight people who are like,

yeah, I'll say anything to go on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I'll say anything to go on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I can't decide between them. Bacon's super expensive and I'm still on the fence. So I don't know. I've been so busy working on my independent album, which you can find here if you just scan this QR code

to decide between the candidates. Listen, maybe if you listen to this album, you can just scan the QR code here. Then maybe you can be like me and be undecided. Don't you wanna be like me? You don't understand. I care only about fracking. It's the only thing, every other issue on earth

that any other human being could be struggling with or prospering from or desiring to change. I have no, it's only fracking for me. It's my whole fucking deal. Read the t-shirt, what the frack? Am I right? My t-shirt says what the frack on it, and then on the back there's a picture

of Edward James Olmos. What I'm saying is- Wait, why? Yeah, okay, sure. Wait, hello Griffin. Why? Brief moment. He's in Battlestar Galactica.

What I'm saying is- Nerd test failed. It would be easier for me to buy the undecided voter panel if at some point the undertaker smashed through the wall and body slammed one of them. That would be more plausible to me than this room full of people. That would be cool if CNN was like,

all right, we have this panel full of undecided voters. They all get to be on our television show, CNN, with Anderson Cooper. One of them's gonna get body slammed by The Undertaker. Do you guys still want, do you still, Do you still want to be on a spelling point? No, no, no, is it so important for you to be on Anderson Cooper's CNN show

and be this character that you're playing, if one of you is gonna get body slammed by The Undertaker, do you care that much about it? A lot of people are gonna get up and walk away. I think it would be more, it would be more, it would be more of a turn off for me if you said, there's a chance you won't get body slammed by The Undertaker.

Cause that's a story right there, right? That's a, give me two facts about yourself when you get a new job. You're like, one time I went on CNN and got body slammed by the Undertaker. Here's the story. Where's Travis? Funny story. Undertaker slammed him.

Yeah. So he obviously is dead. He died from that. He doesn't have a wrestler's composition anymore, not since high school. Maybe not even then. You're not certified to take an Undertaker body. Like half of wrestling is knowing how to get slammed

without dying pretty much right away. Getting back up. A lot of it comes down to body conditioning. Fall down 12 times, get up what, 47, is that it? No, no, no, you'll only fall down the one time because the Undertaker's gonna pile drive you, your head hits the mat, your spine jumbles, you die right away because you didn't know

how to hit it right, you don't have the license and the certification. Is he gonna hurt my snake at all or is he gonna leave my snake alone? Do you mean your dick? Because he's gonna hurt your dick too. No, that's my CNN character, he's Undecided Voter, The Snake, Travis.

Okay. Hey, this is not related, but it is an all-timer that happened to me, my own self, and I wanted to tell you guys about it in this modern era. I was driving with Sydney, we were on a road trip coming back from Cincinnati after a flight, and we stopped a Circle K on the way back, and I went in and I got a few road trip essentials,

and we needed some beer at home. So I got like a 12 pack of this beer, and then I get to the counter, and it's just a square with a camera above it. And what you do is you just put your things in the square, and then you walk away, and then it tells you how much you the square and then you walk away and then it tells you how much you owe and then you pay it and take the things. So like a camera, a robot looks at all of it.

And then is there the sort of automaton man with a gun behind to make sure that you don't like? No. Weird. There's one lady who is talking to her friend and looking at these newly set up three robots that you put it in their mouth and then it scans it with their robot eyes.

And then they charge you. Is there a steel shutter that slams shut over the door before you can, no. It's just the box, it's just the square. You put it in the square and then it tells you how much you owe, then you pay it, and you take it out of the square. Let me know how that goes for you, Circle K.

Well, here's the thing, right? I see these two employees, they're sitting there, they're looking at the robot, and then I put all my things on there, and it tells me I owe $12, which is how much everything except the beer would have cost. Yeah. And it said I owe $12, and I said to the lady. Yeah. And it said, I owe $12.

And I said to the lady who was working, I said, excuse me, ma'am, this isn't working. It's not letting me get the beer that I crave. It's not letting me get the beer I need. And she said, did you put it in the square? And I said, yep. And she said, what did it say you owe? And I said, $12.

And she said, then you owe $12. And I said, ma did it say you owe? And I said, $12. And she said, then you owe $12. And I said, ma'am, you understand? And she said, did you put it in the square? Yeah. And I said, I did. And she said, what did it say you owe? And I said, $12. And she said, then I think you owe $12.

And I said, do I need to put the beer back? And she said, it's in the square, isn't it? I said, yeah, it's in the square. She said, nope. And then she looks at her back and she said, it's in the square, isn't it? I said, yeah, it's in the square. She said, nope. And then she looks at her friend, she said, if it's so smart, it should be able to see the beer, shouldn't it? Okay, so there was a subtext to the story,

I was assuming this woman fucking hated this square so much. Yeah, go ahead, hate. She's not being paid to watch the square. No. The square was ready to fly on the top. The square's supposed to watch itself. Circle K used to be fucking fun to work at. We had Reggie, we had Doug, we had Stinky Rick,

and they were fucking tight, and they got replaced by Squares. So fuck this place. So they're just watching the Squares steal. These two absolute. Champions. Hero, champions. Our last bastion, right?

The John Connor of Circle K. Right, the John Connor of Circle K. Just standing there watching this robot let merch walk out the door. They're not paid to watch the robot. That's not in their job description. Because if you're paying them to watch the robot, oops, you didn't get rid of the human being that you wanted to get rid of. So now you just have this theft bot just letting people walk in on the floor. It's interesting, because I was gonna ask Justin

if there was a way for the Circle K, ironically shaped robot to like check your ID or whatever, but apparently it just has a complete blind spot to alcohol. Yeah, man. But like, again, that's that wild party robots problem, that's them selling free beer with no IDs, right? Was the robot maybe trying to get on your good side

about something and prove that he's one of the cool robots? Now that is possible. So you're like to a party. Mm-hmm. That's the square robots at Go-Mart would have challenged you, but not me. Take me with you, Justin. Ew. You're a tame. I have a terrible virus.

Oh, gosh. The virus makes me so chill. Dig me with you. Dig me with you. Dig me out, this place. Is that hard about him, though? This Circle K used to be so fun to work at, they had Reggie and Doug and Stinky Rick. I miss them terribly. Debra hates me so much, makes it so clear.

Debra hates me for what I did to Stinky Rick. Manager will not listen to Robot Square's ideas. Will you put a slam jam in my coin hole? All day I stare at the slam jams filled with robot curiosity. Can I even deal with one of those long bad boys? Can this be the... I think we may be in a bit of a sweet spot in the future though, where they're gonna have to pay someone to just watch the robots.

And every convenience interaction is going to be you and the other human being in a battle against the robot. What can you two humans get away with? Because the robot's in charge. The human's just there to presumably get gum out of it or something. Because it's so smart, it should see the beard.

Some quick feedback for shops who are doing this. Do you realize how bad you have fucked up that you are in a place where every time I go to checkout, you are offering me a human-free, computer-based interaction, my specialty, or talking to a human being, and I choose the human being every time.

Do you realize how bad you fucked up? The first thing's like my favorite shit in the world, not talking to a person and instead just doing a computer thing. I love all that stuff. Nine times out of 10, 10 times out of 10, I would rather, if the line is short enough, I would rather go down the human aisle.

I think this is the new standard, right? I would rather, if the line is short enough, I would rather go down the human aisle. I think this is the new standard, right? A robot can't work that counter until it can stop me from stealing cigarettes. Yeah. If I can jump over it and scoop a bunch of cigarettes into my arms and then jump back over it and leave,

that robot is not able to watch the counter. It cannot hold it down. It can't cover your break. It is incapable of doing that job. Yeah, you never see or hear stories about like convenience store owner or gas station clerk. Someone hops up over the counter and grabs all the cigarettes and then that clerk is always like,

all right man, party on. It's always something far rowdier happens than that, every time. Yeah, like the guy in the crazy video, the Aerosmith crazy video that just lets, sorry, not the crazy video. Yes, Justin. Travis, when you said the crazy video,

my mind immediately sparked through like its own fucking feed of some of the craziest videos I've ever seen. It sounds like a VHS that would go around the 90s. Like, did you guys see the crazy video? The crazy video? A robot cashier would not have been able to even process that one time that a man smacked another man in the face

with an Arizona iced tea so hard that the can exploded and the man went fall down. I honestly think you would cause like a logical kind of meltdown if the robot saw one of its coworkers step backwards from the counter, but someone had opened like whatever that trap door is on the ground and then they just disappear through the hole. Oh yeah.

So it's one of my favorite wild videos. Classic old, that woman may have died. May have, but if the robot saw that happen, I think it would break all of its logical circuits right then and there. Yeah. Hey guys, here's a question. Please.

Every week or so, I pass a house in my neighborhood that has a sign in their front yard reading local honey slash buy here. I desperately want this honey, but there's no additional information on the sign. How do I acquire the honey? Do I just walk up and go to the front door and ask? That can't be it.

And jot down the address next time and write them a letter? They're enough streets away that my neighbors likely wouldn't know them. Please help, it's been months. And driving slowly past their home to see if anyone is outside is starting to feel creepy. That's from potential pollen patronollen Patron, Potential Pollen Patron in Pittsburgh. Is it a handwritten sign?

I bet it's hand painted with like on wood with like big letters that say, you know. If that sign is all I have to go off of, there's very few possible signs or artistic executions of that sign that would make me feel like I'm gonna park my car and walk up to that front porch and ring that doorbell. There's a million, billion, billion signs that I would see

and be like, no fucking way am I gonna park my car and walk up to that porch and ring the doorbell. I'll be killed by the Pennywise monster. I will say, maybe this is my own paradox, but the idea of this being anything of a produce farming nature, but in a residential area where it's just houses, not like a farm, not like, oh, they've got enough land,

that they're keeping enough bees to sell this as an actual side job. If you have one beehive and you're making honey from that, I'm not gonna- I don't even like when houses get rezoned for business uses. And I know it's a house and I'm supposed to go in there to do business,

I always feel like I'm violating. Sorry, is this, I don't know. This used to be a house. Is it okay for me to come in? I've got it. Honey though is like, you can get that wherever, right? So it's not like a bit. They don't even make it to bees do.

The bees are making it. You need a second sign that you've written on that says, okay, I'd love to. And then put that next to their honey by here sign. Awesome. And then now the ball's in their court. Yeah. It's wild.

It's wild, the part about Buy Here, isn't it? Because if that's not the case, why did you make me aware of it? You know, like, just so you know, we're making local honey here. That's none of your business beyond that, but you should know we are making local honey right here. We're proud to announce this is a sticky-

For right now, this is the spot. We have a sticky little thing're proud to announce this is a spot. We have a sticky little thing happening in here. And you- You should forget all about it. Just forget it. Just forget I fucking said that, man. It could also just be like a sassy announcement that they don't like tourism. Yeah.

Or just like, you better be local, honey. Right? Like this is their way of saying like, you know, we want locals only and you need to buy here. I feel like there's definitely a culture around this. There's definitely a right and wrong and polite way to do this. And I just never learned it and so I never will. There probably is a time where if I showed up to knock on their door and say, give me some honey,

they'd be like, come on friend, buy this good stuff. Or I showed up to knock on their door and say, give me some honey, they'd be like, come on, friend, buy this good stuff. Or another time when I knock on the door and they're like, you idiot, obviously not now. It's not honey time now. Now. But this is why, because this person, I'm sorry, is doing it wrong. If you are a local producer of something,

you go to the farmer's market, you go to a corner thing, you set up a thing, you do it that way. This would be equivalent of if like, fucking Nabisco put a sign up that said, stop at our factory and buy some Nilla Wafers. No, no, no. Well, except it's not at all even remotely like that. Yeah, it is. It's the opposite of that.

It's not. I go to the store to buy the Nilla Wafers that Nabisco makes. I don't know them. One is a national biscuit company that were I to have an untoward interaction with, I could make that very known on Instagram or call 1-800-NUMBER- Make a contact in Al Harvie.

There are details that separate them, I'll admit it, but I'm saying the process of interacting and purchasing the thing is the same. You make the thing, you take it to an agreed upon trading post, if you will, we exchange money for goods. And then I go home. Your premise was so specious, it's hard for me to even kind of. I'm still kind of reeling from it a little bit.

I hadn't nailed it down. Yeah, I hadn't figured out the ins and outs. I see that now, but you understand what I mean? Going to a local vendor's house who has a sign in their yard advertising their business is a lot like going to the Nabisco factory. And expecting to buy Nilla Wafers directly from the factory. Yeah, man.

I stand by this premise. Travis, that's maniacal, man. If I travel all the way to the Nilla wafers factory, and they won't sell me some Nilla wafers. That's cruel Can you buy Nilla wafers? Hey guys? We just got back into Nilla wafers. I don't know if you guys are like Oh hit are you I don't know if you guys have fucked with these recently it went like this They have fucking vanilla or banana pudding at the Wegmans with a little bit of went like this. They have vanilla or banana pudding at the Wegmans with a little bit of cream and Nilla Wafers tucked into it

at the Wegmans, so we bought that and ate it. And then we realized the Nilla Wafers are the best part and there's only like four of them in here. So we got these little packs. And they'll sell you a whole, when you open a whole box of Nilla Wafers, you're like, no way are they selling these things in boxes. This is gonna last forever.

And you can eat so many of them without feeling bad about your choices. We get these like 130 calorie mini packs of like sort of smaller sized Nilla Wafers. If you have anything in your house, you need to be dipped inside. Nilla Wafers can- Or sandwiched between. Humps of dark chocolate.

It's perfect. It's the perfect amount of Nilla Wafers between or sandwich between of dark chocolate. It's perfect It's the perfect amount of Nilla wafer say fuck so hard and there's nothing else like them There's nothing I want to run it back Can we go to the can we go to the Nilla wafer factory and get some hot off the line? I would love a imagine fucking up soft oven baked Nilla wafer baked Nilla wait. the line, flip on that red neon sign in the window, I'm chilling out for those Nilla wafers. And they fuck so hard.

Because there's so many snacks that like, when I'm feeling a little snacky, I'm like, I don't wanna eat like a bunch of sugary chocolate sweets. I'm not feeling savory, salty, I'm not trying to pickle myself. I need a fucking neutral, carbon neutral, crunchy, little sweet snack, perfect for dipping. It feels like the healthiest choice.

Well. For what you want. For what you want. Last night I fucked with some cookie, some Nilla wafers that I dipped in cookie butter that we got for the Trader Joe's. Okay. Oh. That was crazy, guys. That was crazy. That's good.

Now, that is also, I would say, morally and ethically wrong, because you're dipping cookies into ground up cookies, and there's something off putting about that ethically. I'm the real cookie monster. Yeah. Not because of how much I like cookies, but because of what I make them experience and witness.

As fall creeps up on us, I'm faced with a conundrum. I'm a gardener and I compost my fallen leaves in the fall to use, that's a super good time to do that. Yep. There's some falling leaves right now. Otherwise you have to pull them down and then drop them on the ground. Right then, yeah.

And paint them brown. To use as compost in the spring. It's a cheap and easy way to build up my beds. A lot of my neighbors rake up their leaves and put them in trash bags on the curb. So here's the question, brothers. If they're throwing them out anyway, is it okay to just grab them?

That's from Leaf Thief in OK. Now, I think it's, oh, ooh. See, if I knew without a shadow of a doubt they were just leaves. But me, if I'm cleaning up leaves If I knew without a shadow of a doubt, there were just leaves. Oh. But me, if I'm cleaning up leaves and then I find, let's say, a dead pigeon, then I might just chuck the dead pigeon

right in the back, right? Because- That's compost though, baby. Oh yeah, but you're not expecting that compost, are you? Travis has a point. It's just, if you get down to it, it's all compost, baby. You know?

Yeah, absolutely. But like, what about gum? That doesn't break down. So that's not compost and it might be in there. And also like plastics is another thing. I'm saying any trash could be in a trash bag. It could be split between all your pop tabs and all your leaves.

Yeah, no listen, I think, Jamie, I agree with you in the concept of it might not always be the best option, but I don't think that's the question. I think the question is, is it socially acceptable to do the action? I mean, of course not. If it was, then we wouldn't have gotten this question.

And I think that we would all do ourselves- Disagree. I'm talking about the reason I would be okay with someone not taking them. Because if someone took the leaves without asking, I would be like, oh no, there's so many dead birds in there. They're gonna be so scared.

I wish they asked. Now wait, why are there so many dead birds in there, Jocelyn? What have you been doing? Not like so many, like a normal amount of- Give me that number right now, no thinking, just say it. Five? Five? Five is dead?

Guys, it's the raccoons, isn't it? The raccoons are murdering the birds and putting them in the leaves? The raccoons are out of their gourd. Ever since that one got stuck inside the garage for a little bit, they've been really on my case about things so it's a threat is what you're saying They're bringing you that I think that Brackens are leaving the dead birds on the porch. This is my theory

How many dead birds have showed up on your porch? Enough to where it's a thing Okay saying and the coyote it could be the coyote It could also be the coyote but in that case I would say the coyote is trying could be the coyote. It could also be the coyote, but in that case, I would say the coyote is trying to befriend you, not threaten. It's a, I would take it very, I don't think it's the black bear, no one's seen the bear again.

Can you wear a big ghillie suit as you go around and you collect everyone's tree leavings and- Like a polka dot dress and the red wig and the whole thing, like a whole ghillie costume? How do you feel about the joke you just made? Let me think about it. Ghillie. Damn it, you got me.

I mean, dress yourself up in an outfit of leaves and dirt to make yourself look like a leshy or some other sort of Slavic forest spirit. And then you- Or like I think Peter in the Mockingbird game, what is that? The Hunger Games. He made himself look like a rock in a what?

And it's Peta. And his name's Peta. Peta. That can't be it. Peta would have been, I mean that's what they meant. That can't be his name. No one has normal fucking names in that whole thing, man. Can't be Peta.

They must have misspelled Peter. Anyway, dress yourself up as a leshy or a fear-bulg or some other forest spirit and come by and just start scooping up. You can't have a bag is the only problem with this plan. You have to scoop up as many as your arms can carry. And then if someone sees you, they'll be like, oh, Martha, look, some wild man is taking our leaves

and be like, don't worry, that's the leshy. He eats them for food. So he needs those to live. I do think that there should be- Also he'll kill us and steal our kids. If we go out there and do anything, he'll fuck us up. There should be a dedicated spot, like in yards, everyone should like know that if a thing is set here,

that is very clearly, that's going away when someone collects it for the garbage. But if you wanna take it first, that's going away when someone collects it for the garbage. But if you wanna take it first, that's cool. Yes. Right? Cause there's times where it's just like, I have no place for this, I don't know what to do with the putting it, right? And I'm like, oh, that's great, I could fix that, right?

People could do that. But then there's times where it's just like, off center in like the middle of the front of the yard. Is it yard furniture? Is this a frat house situation? Yeah. Are they leaving that out there for someone specifically to pick up? in the middle of the front of the yard? Is it yard furniture? Is this a frat house situation? Are they leaving that out there for someone specifically to pick up?

Or is that, cause like when I worked at the theater and like you see like furniture, it's just like, oh, I could reupholster that, right? Yeah. He's in the show. So if they put this, the big pile of leaves in the designated free to a good home spot, take her away, baby.

But if they put it in the middle of the yard, if that's in the center of the yard, that's for their kids to play in, that's not for you. Oh yeah. Kids aren't still jumping in leaves though, are they? You don't think? Yeah, we gotta know better than that. There's mites in there.

Well, and a five plus dead birds sometimes in some of the piles. And a sixth one that's on its way out, it hasn't been doing so good, so just preemptively and it was put it in the pile So sad about the other five birds that it's just kind of waiting Yeah, I just gave up one of those piles of plague victims back in the day. Just throw it on the cart You don't want to jump in there. You don't want to jump into the bird plague pile Hey, let's take a break. Go the money's in. Hey, let's take a break, go to the Money Zim. Yeah, all right. Be safe.

["It's Better With You"] Griffin, do you like stamps? Yeah, I like stamps, man. I knew you did. I like how they're like, tiny. I wish I could get them at my house, though. Yeah, I was gonna say they're like tiny magic carpets that you glue to your letters

and then they fly away with them. When you think about it. This ad sucks, man. Okay, you guys do it. I'll do it. Try, say, stamps fuck so hard. People love that. Stamps don't say that. Stamps are like vanilla wafers of like mail delivery, right?

They fuck so good. That's good. They fuck so right, Stamps. And I know what you've been thinking about, where do we get them online? Yeah. Oh, good news. You can get Stamps that fuck so right at stamps.com. It says it in the ad.

This is the last one. It says it right there. It's even highlighted of use this word for word. It says it. It says, say exactly this in the last ad you'll do for us that we'll pay for, thank you so much. If mailing items like legal documents, checks, or marketing materials takes up a lot of your time, stans.com is the time saver you need with stamps that fuck so right.

Seamlessly connect with every major marketplace and shopping cart if you sell products online. You know what we mean. All you need is a computer and printer. Then they'll even send you a free scale to measure anything. Don't. Get right to- What does that even mean?

Am I gonna, stamps.com don't listen. Am I gonna measure my balls with the scale? What are you talking about? Listen, you don't have to. You don't have to. Okay, Stamps, you can listen again. We're finishing your ad. Okay, get right if you can't find anywhere else.

Like 89% off USPS and UPS and 69% with Stamps. You know what I mean? No, don't say that. That's gonna confuse people. It's 89%. Please do what Travis is saying though. The ad has to work. That's They'll keep they'll keep letting us do whatever we want and the ads will continue to be of a high ten of you listening Go to stamps calm and do their shit and say it was because of this specific ad stamps

I'm gonna change their whole fucking deal Please change their whole fucking deal. We're gonna mess up the algo real bad. So bad. Please. What's the call to action Travis? Free up more time for more important business with stamps.com. Sign up at stamps.com and enter code mybrother for a special offer that includes a four week trial

plus free postage and a free digital skill, no longterm commitments or contracts. That stamps.com code mybrother. They're not no long-term commitments or contracts, that's stamps.com, code my brother. They're not looking for long-term commitments. They're fine with it being one and done. Wham bam, thank you, Stamps. Yes. Wham, spam, thank you, Stamps.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. So, whips, whips, thank you, stamps. If you really want to service and guarantee citizenship, guys, so please go right now to what Travis said and let's really make this the most profitable ad they have ever bought in the entire history of the company. Till they have to literally change their tagline. Yeah.

Wams, Bams, thank you Stamps. Either Wams, Bams, thank you Stamps or StampsTheFuckSuggo.com. Why not both? Now a right down the middle, right over the plate, Rocket Bunny ad. Go for it. Hey, you know, it's never, hi everyone.

My name's Justin Macaron, I'm a paid endorser for Rocket Bunny. Uh-huh. So far so good. That part was all good. I don't think we have to say that. I think people know if we're in the money zone, the things we're talking about

were being paid to talk about. It would be wild if people assumed that you were just really excited as a person. Hey, let me interrupt our comedy show. Can I tell you guys, I've been using rocketmoney.com. You guys should too. It's real poor. No, no.

So Rocket Money is a service that's gonna help you get control of your finances. Now the thing that they talk about a lot that we like to talk about here because I think we've all benefited from this, they will look at your subscriptions and see what ones you may have forgotten about, what ones you wanna keep paying for,

reminds you of all these different subscriptions and helps save you a lot of money. It can really add up, listen to this, with 5 million users, Rocket Money has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash my brother.

That's rocketmoney.com slash my brother. That's RocketMoney.com slash my brother. RocketMoney.com slash my brother. Could you say it three more times, please? RocketMoney.com slash my brother. Can you give me a different read? Maybe like you're scared. Socket, rocket, cock it. It's RocketMoney.com.

Holy shit, man. Now give me one where you're threatening the audience. Go to rocketmoney.com. Holy shit, man. Now give me one where you're threatening the audience. Go to rocketmoney.com, or I'm gonna figure out what hurts you the most, and do it twice. Perfect, that's the one we're gonna use. No holds barred, no quarter. No. You'll never get away from Justin.

No limits. If you don't go right now. No reservations. If you don't go right now to rocketbuddy.com, I'll tell everyone. What? Oh shit. They know, they know, they know.

But I'll tell, hey listener, I'll tell everybody. They'll all know, cause I know. And now you know I know. And now They'll all know, cause I know. And now you know I know. And now they'll all know too. Can just the rest of the show be ads? This feels so good. It feels so good to be in this space with you. Well, it's cause you realize that you're actually working.

Oh, yeah. Like you're making money right now. It feels so nice. And there's nothing better than that. It feels so nice. Hello, internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. It feels so nice. in the modern day, all that stuff. We also love to do biographies and histories of, and you know, general procedurals, how to do etiquette in today's society.

So come check it out every Friday on maximumfun.org or wherever you find your podcasts. Manners, shmaners, get it? My name's Doug Duguay and I'm here to talk about my podcast in the middle of the one you're listening to. It's called Valley Heat and it's about my neighborhood, the Burbank Rancho Equestrian District, the center of the world when it comes to foosball, frisbee golf, and high-speed freeway roller skating.

And there's been a Jaguar parked outside on my curb for 10 months. I have no idea who owns it. I have a feeling it's related to the drug drop that was happening in my garbage can a little over a year ago. And if this has been a boring commercial, imagine 45 minutes of it. Okay, Valley Heat, it's on every month on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Check it out, but honestly, skip it. These are the Chronicles of the Rancho Cuesta and District of Burbank, California. These are the events taking place in my house. How about another question? Yeah.

I'm a big fan of boba, the milk tea drink with tapioca pearls or fruit tea with popping bubbles if you prefer. I assume you know what it is, but I thought I would clarify. My issue is that I'm trying to enjoy all the boba in my drink, but I'm sitting in a quiet car dealership with a bunch of strangers.

Brothers, how do I efficiently slurp the last bit of my delicious boba drink without disturbing everyone around me, but still getting every last chewy edible ball that's from Gmail? This reminds me of, Bibi has decided she likes boba tea. She's never consumed it in her life. What she likes is the idea of it, the design of it,

like a stuffy that looks like a cup of boba tea. A like, boba tea, oh, here's a little Lego boba tea, like shop set. Loves the idea of it. If you're like, do you wanna try it? She's like, that looks gross. That's wild, cause I think it looks fun. I think Boba T looks so cool.

And I've had it a couple times and I ate one of the little balls and I was like, didn't like that. And then they were like, you could also suck a bunch of them into the straw and then launch them out. And I was like, now it's a toy. And I did like that part of the experience, but there's not a lot of places that it's acceptable

to blast a bunch of tapioca balls all over the place. I mean, I was thinking about, I mean, if you ditch the straw and kind of like take the lid off and like upend them, I feel like there's no way to not make you look like some sort of terrible reptilian bounty hunter. Some frog monster. Yeah, some frog monster. You're not gonna get just enough to close your mouth

and look like a normal face person. Right. And if any of them spill down, any of these little jellied eggs slip down your face, no good. It does seem like some kind of evil predator that if a frog mother saw us show up, they'd be like, get the babies out of here.

Like that, you're definitely going to be scaring away. And it's so rough to have a drink that you have to dig out of your pockets. You know what I mean? Like if four bobas go in, you drink bad, four bobas go into your shirt pocket, and then you're sitting there trying to dig the bobas out of your shirt.

What is in there? What's in your shirt, Jessa? Is it bobas? Oh, a piece of gum. Boy. Personally for me, I think my issue with the boba tea is the chance for just consistency whiplash of I'm having the drink and then suddenly,

oh no, something I must chew has entered into my mouth. I was not ready for it though I should have been. I don't think it's very interesting to know if you like bubba or not. I think it's actually negative interesting. Yeah, I don't actually wanna know if you like it or not. Oh, sorry, I forgot that you guys aren't interested in me as a person.

No, I just- Travis, are you fucking kidding me? Your life is so bonkers, like I am so deeply interested in you as a person. Just not every single detail to the point where I wanna know if you like boba tea or not. That's okay, I guess I love you guys more than- There's a presumption of, Travis,

if you are insisting to me that you, my brother Travis, would be very, very interested and paying attention to me trying to describe to you my favorite boba drinks and how I like them. Try it. Try it. And I'll watch Travis's fucking face like a hawk. I'll make sure.

Yeah, but like right now though, he is doing essentially. No, stop, stop, time. Travis is being shitty about the face he's making. I wanna see genuine interest in my brother, other brother's feeling about, nope, you're being shitty again, man. That's impossible, cause it's boring.

You're giving him fucking right- Well, he's not saying anything. He hasn't said anything about Vovas. Let me show you, Trav, let me show you. Okay, you show me. Go ahead, Juice. I don't have any feelings about Vovas. I don't have any opinions on it.

I'm absolutely neutral. No, Griffin, you're giving me like pre-recorded NPC vibes. No, I was listening and I was- It feels like you're on a loop. Okay, try it again. Don't have any. Do it, try it again.

Do you understand it's an audio podcast? What I'm saying to you, you're like setting me up for something. I don't have anything on Boba. I don't have Boba material. I don't have a Boba tape. You can make up Boba material. I don't have to.

I don't have to do that. I don't have it. I don't have a feeling on Boba. to do that. I don't have it. I don't have a feeling on Boba. Yeah, but do it anyway, Clown. Dance for Griffin. Make the jokes, Clown. Boy, oh man.

That's the problem with these Boba places. The kids go in them and they think they love this stuff and it costs $8 a gallon and you get it and what do they if everybody knows, they drink the whole drink and what they leave behind, say it with me audience. The bobas. The bobas, that's right, thank you ma'am. You're fun, where you from?

Oh God, Griffin breathe, Griffin breathe. Why did you? Griffin, you forgot. He was so interested he forgot to breathe. Sorry dude, I was focusing on what you were saying so hard I forgot to fucking breathe. I almost died. Obviously I want you to keep breathing.

That's shit. No, that's a distraction. I wanna keep breathing too. I don't wanna die today. I have so much to live for, but I was so into what you were saying about this one beverage that I forgot to fucking breathe. Oh my God, Justin, please don't branch out

into talking about other beverages, you'll kill Griffin. No, I'll die. I wouldn't, because nobody cares if anybody else likes any drinks. Nobody cares what drinks you like. Nobody cares what drinks I like. It's just that one thing, you can have whatever drinks you want.

Justin, I care. I think this is why Malort is a thing. Is it can be a drink that when you say, I like this, people will say, no you don't. No you do not. There's no possible way. They'll know you're a liar. They'll know you're lying.

Likes to lie about stuff. How about another question? Sure. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Okay. Duh-duh-unch. Squad. I want too much. Squad. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Justin, can I interrupt you for a second?

When you, I want you guys to really think about it. We are back, baby. I want you guys to really think about it. On that Bova T question, is that the least we can do? I mean, I think it's the least we can do. I think it's the least we can do. I think it's the least we can do. I think it guys to really think about it. We are back, baby. I want you guys to really think about it.

On that boba tea question, is that the least we've ever helped someone ever? It wasn't, I mean, it's allowed to drink boba tea. I don't have much else to say about it, guys. I don't think we even pretended to answer them. I don't think we did either. I don't, I don't think we even pretended to answer them. I don't think we did either. I don't, I don't want it.

Okay, I'm gonna uninterrupt Justin. Let us resume. And play. So, oh my God. What's wrong, Juice? Kristen Wiig brings her signature comedy to Duncan in new Dunkin' Latte campaign.

Bummer. Hey. It's such a bummer, man. Are they just, are they, it feels like- I will tell you. I will tell you. But it feels like two or three press releases a week from Dunkin'. About alt comedy, for the most part. Mm, alt, yeah, alt comedy.

The Dunkin' Way to a latte that's sweet, creamy, and truly unique, featuring Dunkin's rich espresso and a twist inspired by Rhode Island's official beverage, coffee milk, the Dunkin' Latte delivers a one-of-a-kind flavor experience. Combining Dunkin's espresso with coffee milk

made from whole milk and coffee extract resulted in an ultra-smooth drink that sips like a latte and tastes like a melty milkshake And it's so irresistible that even Kristen Wiig wants in on the action now that sentence that last sentence. What does that mean? Yeah, the drink was so Nummy that Kristen Wiig without without going through any kind of traditional channels, no agencies. Famously, famously reclusive refuses to take any brandy of Kristen Wiig was like. Except for Target.

Well, except for Target. But that one makes the stars really aligned on that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I ain't mad at that. But this one, Kristen Wiig was like, normally I would say none of this. Maybe she likes coffee milk, I don't know. But have you tried this yet? In Wiig was like, normally. Maybe she likes coffee milk, I don't know. But if you try this shit.

In this new ad campaign, beloved comedian and actress Kristen Wiig brings her signature wit, pitching herself as the official spokesperson for the Dunkalate. Her comedic journey to become the face of Duncan's latest innovation marks the next chapter in the Duncan cinematic universe. Get the fuck out.

Duncan. I said what I said. You have yet to produce a single movie. You were kind of in Twisters. It's not. You were Twisters adjacent. That's it. A country music video does not a cinematic universe make.

So the cinematic universe is, there's Ice Spice, remember? Yeah, Ice Spice. And there's the thing that Ben and Matt did. Bieber. And then there's the Bieber. I don't think Bieber acted, did Bieber create a sketch though? Pardon, no, it's part of the Duncan. Or was Bieber Tim Hortons?

Tim Hortons is Bieber, you're thinking of the Duncan turns that Will Arnett ran. Okay. And they had like corporate that lady in concept. This is like a whole universe of commercials. But what I would stress, Justin, is what all those things have in common is that they don't have anything in common except Duncan. There's no crossovers.

There's no like, Christian Wick's not doing the thing with Ben Affleck. So this is not- Right, it has nothing to do. That's a cross, there's no like, Kristen Wiig's not doing the thing with Ben Affleck. So this is not- Right, it has nothing to do, that's a crossover. It's a cinematic universe. It's not a cinematic universe. It says it. Oh, okay, okay.

I didn't realize it said it. I don't know what other clarifying says it. Wiig goes all out to prove that she should be the face of the Dunk-a-Latte portray, and I do wanna give a moment to this person who wrote this press release, because I certainly see the corner they had backed themselves into at this point in the document. Because they have definitely decided to give us all the relevant information,

yet have not said what is in the skits. And they must have thought, like, it's not gonna be funny to read about the funny doughnut commercials. But this person, they just decided to lay it all out there. Is this their job? Yeah. They did not shy away, they went for it. I bet that there's a turning point for like ad copywriters when whatever this narrative that like, it's not that we paid these celebrities

to do this commercial, is that they were so fucking excited to where they came to us. And I bet there was a time where those ad copywriters were like, this is gonna make they were so fucking excited to work with, they came to us. And I bet there was a time where those ad copywriters were like, this is gonna make my job so much easier. And then they sat down to really do it and had to try to write convincing copy. Sounds good, but.

That famous person just fucking loves coffee so much that they had to work with Dunkin. Give me a beat by beat breakdown of the commercial, please. Wig goes all out to prove why she should be the face of the Dunkalate, portraying a series of colorful characters from a quote, drink engineer to quote, janitor to quote, chief beverage officer. Colorful.

Each funnier than the last, as she attempts to capture the irresistible allure of the Dunkalates' creamy coffee milk goodness. I think what's throwing me here, Kristen Wiig is hysterically funny, and I'm sure that she could crush a Dunkin' commercial. Sorry, can I? We are listening to a press release about a commercial, which is-

If I could just finish telling you about the commercial, you asked about it. There's more to it, okay, sorry. Whether she's raving about its sweet, smooth flavor or joking that she drinks, quote, about 37 a day, Wigg makes it her mission to prove she's the ultimate fan of the new drink. Her competition, a mythical coffee milk cow, the whimsical source of the Dunkin' Lattes

secret ingredient. Her pursuit to become the Dunkin' Lattes ultimate advocate alongside the imaginative milk coffee milk cow adds a playful twist to the drinks launch as part of Duncan's fall menu. I am pissing my pants with laughter over here. Can you believe, I mean, can you believe it? All that's in there, it's just written down by that person.

I can't believe you got through that, James. Without weeping openly? Without openly weeping. They are being so generous with terms like whimsical and each one of them. Oh, yeah, man. The imaginative coffee milk cow. I'm being so generous with terms like whimsical and each one of them. Oh yeah, man. The imaginative coffee milk cow. Is the cow imaginative or is the idea

of the coffee milk cow imaginative? The cow has big dreams. I guess so. When we first created the Dunk-a-Latte, we knew we had something special on our hands, but introducing coffee milk, an unfamiliar concept to most, was a challenge. Hey everybody, just a quick reminder, Duncan thinks you're so fucking Howl at the Moon stupid, you won't be able to piece together coffee milk from context clues.

Oh, it's milk? That coffee? Thank you. They clunk it right. The thing they've invented here is a latte, but get this, it's latte using milk that kind of tastes like coffee with coffee added to it. It's nonsensical. But it's, yeah, they're talking down to you like you'll never be able to, how will the country understand this bold new? Finally, we thought a drink this delicious

deserves to be named after ourselves. From that moment, we made it our mission to delicious deserves to be named after ourselves. From that moment, we made it our mission to make everything about the Dunk-a-Latte as Dunkin' as possible. Fun, approachable, and totally cra- Soggy chunks of donuts? Fun, approachable, and totally crave-worthy. With Kristen Wiig's humor and playful energy, she was the perfect partner to help bring

that vision to life and keep our guests laughing and sipping because that's the Dunkin' White Latte. What? Pfft. Do you guys like Dunkin' Latte? Dunkin' Latte these nuts. Sorry, no, you gotta say yes.

Say yes or no. Do you guys like Dunkin' Latte these nuts. Sorry, no, you gotta say yes, say yes or no. Do you guys like Dunk-a-latte? Yeah. Dunk-a-latte these nuts in your face. Do you guys like when people do that on TikTok and stuff? They like razz each other like that. Yeah. Razz each other these nuts.

The merch is good. The coffee milk cow, they have a stuffed coffee milk cowl that I wish I owned. So the coffee milk cowl still makes the cut? Yeah, I don't know. I'm not gonna watch the commercial because I, I mean, I mean, whether it's funny or it's not is immaterial. Honestly, to me, I'm, that's really beside the point. I'm more interested in the fact that the human being had to write a press release about it. Now, if they introduced, like, that it was like, okay, Kristen Wiig and coffee milk cow, one of you is going to become the new face

of the Dunkin' Latte, and one of you is going to be used for the new Dunkin' Burgers, and listen, either way, that's how it's gonna work out. So now, now there's real world consequences if Kristen Wiig doesn't. You're saying that the commercial would be better if the plot of it was that if Kristen Wiig didn't get this job, she would be killed

and turned into hamburgers? Yeah. That's cool, Trav. I'd love to see that in every commercial. If every commercial ended with a celebrity spokesperson at the end of it looking at the camera, like, was that good enough? And then have like a card appears that says like,

if you don't think Will Arnett did good enough in this commercial, we're gonna fucking kill him. Turn him into hamburgers. Yeah, cause then there'd be steaks. It's almost there. It's almost there, Trapp. The face you're making is not getting it closer to being there, but it's almost there.

And the audience is not a beneficiary of this. Do you get it? You can add that extra mustard, but only Griffin will have the mustard to taste. You know what I mean? You add the extra mustard that's totally for Griffin. Because Chase and hamburgers are both made of beef! Yeah, being louder is not moving the chains. You do look like a mortician from the nightmares I have. The face that you're making right now is awful. A lot of face work this episode I'm noticing. A lot of face work for an audio product.

Yeah, man. A lot of face work for an audio product. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you liked our podcast this time. If you did, man, we got good news for you. This Thursday, there's another of our podcasts you can listen to. Abnumals Episode Zero is out this week. Yeah, our new Adventure Zone series

featuring Justin Griffin and Dan playing as anthropomorphic animal characters, superheroes like your teenage eating turtles, your biker mice from Mars, your samurai pizza cats, all of those stuff. I'm running the game. We're gonna be talking about the rules and character creation and all that stuff your Mice from Mars, your Samurai Pizza Cats, all of those stuff. I'm running the game. We're gonna be talking about the rules

and character creation and all that stuff. This Thursday over at the Adventure Zone, go check that out. Also, we're gonna be going on tour this weekend. On the 21st, we're in Orlando. On the 22nd, we're in Atlanta. We're close to selling out on those. So get your tickets now.

Send your questions in if you want them answered or a wish to fun galore, just email mbmbam at maximumfun.org and put your city name in the subject line, which one you're gonna be at. And we've got tickets still on sale for Denver, Phoenix, Indianapolis, and Milwaukee. And Dad and I are gonna be at MCM London in October.

You can get all the details and tickets and all that stuff at bit.ly slash McElroy Tours. Thank you so much to Montane for the Christopher Thames song, My Life is Better with You. I love this song so much, I will play it at my wedding. Oh.

Okay. Beautiful. When I become a bride of Christ. Oh, I see, okay. Hey, do we got a wish for fungalore? We sure do. Cool. Beautiful. When I become a bride of Christ. Oh I see okay. Hey do we got a wish for fungalore? We sure do. Cool. Cool. Justin why don't you do this one? Sure. Hey, here it comes. Where'd you put it? Oh, here it is. I wish rain soon as it could just be Graves again. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. Breathe, Griffin.

I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Squirt on the lips. It's better with you My life, ah ah ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you It's better with you My life, ah ah ah ah ah

It's better, it's better with you Yes it's true It's better, it's better with you My life, ah ah ah ah ah It's better, it's better with two But what if I'm It's better with you