My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 737: Face 2 Face: Amble Down to Dumpster Party

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

This week’s episode is live from Tyson’s Corner, where we won the first trophies of our entire lives and our dad wasn’t even there to see it . . . so please tell him what good boys we are. Please also invite him to the dumpster party, ask him to install an emotional support Squatty Potty, and plant some very tall vegetables, if he has the time. Suggested talking points: The Peeper will Keep us Safe, Extreme Slobster Close-Up, 18-Year-Old Baby Witch, Kelvin Kline, Plea For Shrek First Nations Development Institute: https://www.firstnations.org/

The McElroy Brothers are not experts. And their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert. But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed It's ripened into a precious friendship

I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like My life, ah ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you My life, ah ah ah ah It's better, it's better with you This is true, ah ah ah ah

It's better, it's better with two. By way, ah, it's better with you. Hello, everybody. Welcome to my brother, my brother being a VICE show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Woo! What's up, Trav Nation?

Woo! I'm your middle brother, Travis Big Dog, What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middle-est brother, Travis Big Dog, Woof Woof McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy. I Had a question for you before we begin They told us when we booked the shows that either Tyson's or Tyson's corner Virginia is acceptable and I do not like that. No fucking way man. I don't like that There's one that's right and one that's wrong. Please enlighten me as to which.

I prefer. I worked in Persilville, Virginia for two summers. Shout out Persilville. And it was always Tyson's Corner to me. And I don't know about this slick Tyson's rebrand. Okay. So hi. Tytown.

No, I don't. I think I'm going to say hello Tyson's Corner, thank you for having us in your beautiful town. I'm so excited you're all here in Trav Nation Embassy. Tonight for the next two hours, you all have diplomatic immunity. Congratulations. I prefer the possessive Tyson's corner over just a random plural Tyson.

We live in many Tysons. This is Tyson's corner. What are you doing standing here? This is Tyson's corner, man. If he sees you... We should mention... Our trophies? This has never happened before. We won something.

To us. The fine folks here at the Capitol One Hall brought us these little trophies that have our name on them and it says sold out on it. And that has nothing to do with us and everything to do with you. So it's kind of all of our trophies. We will be-

No fucking way, man. This is my first goddamn trophy. It is nice because they put the date on there too. So it's nice to pinpoint when I sold out. Yeah. It's really nice that we can look back on him and be like, when did Travis, oh, it was the 23rd of June, 2024.

Yeah, man, he went totally capitalistic at that point. At Capital One. Yeah, man, he went totally capitalistic at that point, at Capital One. Yeah, yeah. It worked out. It's just I never thought I'd get a trophy again. You know? Yeah. After I was 14?

When you were a scorekeeper for the basketball team? Yeah, that was probably my last main trophy. And it's just nice to get a trophy again. Yeah. Well, you have kids now, and any trophy they win is kind of yours too. That's a good point. They haven't won any trophies either.

Not a big... Well, one day they'll start a podcast that'll sell out a big crowd and get a special trophy for it. My only regret is that this is the first tour maybe ever that Dad hasn't tagged along for and he doesn't get to see his three sons win their first three trophies ever. So you all need to take a picture of us with the trophy, post it for our dads. We'll put our dad's phone number up on the screen. If you would all text photos of us to our dad at various angles.

See how much you can- To prove it's not Photoshopped. Try to ransom us to our dad. See how it goes. I would love to know. I'd like to know how much more work to dad. What's the figure to dad? What's the going rate?

I mean, after these trophies, man, we're going to be sitting pretty. Maybe if everyone could take a picture of us with the trophies and then post it on social media with a caption like, they did it. Yeah. And then it's like, if you're not looking too close, you'd be like, damn, I don't know what it was,

but it looks pretty good. I mean, I guess they won the big podcast they won at the end. Is that a Grammy? Is that the podcasting Grammy? Did they get the first podcasting Grammy? Yes. As you've certainly guessed, this isn't a device show. And we're going to take your questions and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom for your

edutainment right now before your very eyes. I live in Colonial Williamsburg in a small apartment complex. Heck of a Great Wolf Lodge there. Yeah. Is that where you live, question asked? Or do you live at the Great Wolf Lodge? Because nice. Nice.

That's some sweet life of Zack and Cody shit. A couple months ago, people started gathering at night outside one of the dumpsters. The small gathering has since evolved with people bringing chairs, then a grill. Now there's a whole TV set up in someone's trunk. Brothers, how do I get invited to the dumpster party? This happens almost every night and I'm so curious what their deal is, but I don't want to seem like a narc.

That's from Nosy Neighbor in Colonial Williamsburg. Are you here? Yeah! Alright. Nice. You're so high up. Yeah. I'd invite you to the dumpster party. Yeah.

Is it possible, and I hadn't considered this possibility before, but it did start as something illicit. And then they were like, you know, as long as we're here, Yeah, this is a chill spot. let's get to know each other. Yeah.

You guys want to watch Suits? People started bringing their kids and they're like, I don't know about this scene anymore, man. The dumpster party used to be about something. Used to be a happening. You know, no one has ever sent out like an e-vite to a dumpster party. Right? No one has ever, there's never been a knock at the door

and the butler has lifted up a silver tray to say, my lord, my lord, it's finally happened. The social event of the year. I also don't think you can be uninvited from a dumpster party. That's true. Who's gonna kick you out? It's a dumpster.

You don't own this, probably. Maybe you do. Now what if you showed up in a raccoon costume? Yes. And then they're like, oh, they belong here. Yeah. They were here first. This is their land. And then even if you can't pull off a convincing raccoon act,

you've got an interesting story. Yeah. And they're going to want to know about it. If you do amble down to the dumpster party, I would set aside a little time, just private time beforehand, where you can write down a list of things that you are and are not okay with happening

at the dumpster party. Because you need, you can't do any math then, right? You need a very clear, very long and detailed list of like, oh, oh, okay, that's my, oh, okay, I'm going. You're passing what around? Oh, look at the time. What I like to- Everybody starts pulling on ski masks.

You're like, oh, time to go. What I like to buy a, no. Huh? I have to go. This has been so cool. But if I was a police, I would try to make you tell me more, right? We all agree about that?

I'm not doing that, I'm just going. Goodbye. I'll be back at the next dumpster party until this happens again. And then I'll go. Bye. Just go on down there. Or, you know.

Don't do that. Don't. You can't just, when someone comes to us with such a finely crafted question like this, Travis, you can't just when someone comes to us with such a finely crafted question like this Travis You can't just sweep the legs out from under it and say just go to the dumpster party You what if they don't know anybody at the dumpster party? You get to know them or you show up and say oh, sorry I thought this was a different dumpster party. Well as long as I'm here

Yeah, have you considered the possibility that you are already at the dumpster party? Know that up there that at the dumpster party? Oh, that up there. That's the peeper. They're a part of this community, just like us. But the way they chose to interact with the party is looking at us from time to time. We don't know much about them, but we like to believe they keep us safe somehow.

They're watching for storms. They'll let us know if a storm's coming in. If you come downstairs, they may be like, Oh no, what omen? What portent has brought you down here, Peeper? What have you seen? You were on the wall. Are they coming? Keep us safe, Peeper. I have two children. Bragg. Ages six and four.

It's not me, it's the question asked. Oh, okay. Who would like to learn to ride bikes? The problem is neither I nor my husband knows how to ride a bike. Brothers, how do I teach my children to ride bikes when I don't know how to do it myself? That's from Bipedal in Baltimore.

Are you here? Okay. Now wait, how many of you are there? I'll fucking do it, man. No problem. You'll teach them or teach their children? Uh, either or, man. Whatever. I'll do all four of you in one.

I'll give you a group rate. That's a good deal. That's a pretty... I didn't even see what my rates are, but thank you, Travis. I like to hype up your business ventures. It's $1,500, but you only have to do it the one time. And I'm pretty- That actually doesn't make it better, Griffin. $1,500 for one session, no follow-up?

You're not paying me for the one session of bike riding, you're paying me for the 30 years of bike riding training that I've given out to people. How many other people have you trained to ride a bike? Including my kids? Yeah. Zero. Okay. But you got one, you got one in the tank.

I've got it all pinned up. I've got this beautiful moment pinned up inside of me. I don't want my first time teaching people to ride a bike, to be my kids. I'm not going to do a very good job at that. Oh, okay. You want to dry run with other people's kids, I'm not going to do a very good job at that. Oh, okay. You want to dry run with other people's kids. Yeah, I want to dry run. You're going to use these kids as training wheels.

Yes. That makes perfect sense. You know, one of the main things about learning to ride a bike is you should never look behind you. And I think that you could use that to your advantage if you had another adult to step in for you. Yeah. And you just encourage the child, step in for you. Yeah. And you just encourage the child, do not look back.

Yeah. Do not look back. I'll be holding you and supporting you the whole way with all the different bike riding advice. And I might sound a little different than the grease dude. That's just fear. I might sound a little bit like extreme sports athlete, Travis Pastrana, but don't worry about it.

I'm not. I'm right there. You might see me taking video from the side. That's just a swamp gas thing. Don't worry about it. I'm right there. You might see me taking video from the side. That's just a swamp gas thing. Don't worry about it. That's a weather balloon, son. That's not me. You might see me through the window watching suits.

You could, you could, it would be a pretty great lesson about life if you taught your child to ride a bike and then at the end you're like, okay, now me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know. I had no clue the whole time. I had no clue. I'm so glad you figured it out. I was making all that up. He had the harder. What was I talking about? I don't know how by the whole time I was sure you're going to fall. I could just see me with a YouTube tutorial open on my phone with my child

They're like there's no fucking way They put a towel under their arms. That's right. No way. Have you seen that? Instead of hunch never and a hole that they just put like a big beach towel around and they hold it I had to catch all the pit sweat the kids. Yeah I Saw a video and they were like here it is parents the easiest way two minutes here, kill be riding a bike and they're like start at the top of a hill and it's like

okay, all right. So I told my kids like good news kids, I got this problem solved and they were like we won't be participating in this particular version of this like you're gonna need to take it back to the drawing board that there is in this in this modern era almost always at least two schools of thought for every major parenting choice you can make and one is very thoughtfully considered over generations and generations of human beings taking care of other human beings and the other one is just do it fast and hard and bad. Yeah.

And it's done. Hard, fast, bad, done. That's the secret. You know, there had to be a time way, way back, millions of years ago, when the first, like, parent bird had baby birds in their nest and said, how am I going to teach them to fly? Exactly.

I know. Boot! Just right out of that. I can't teach them in steps. Oh, I know. I'll just shove them out the nest. Be like that bird. No. That's beautiful, Travis. Definitely espouse that on stage with a stage that I am also on with you and everyone can see both of us at the same time. And also I'm dressed like Toad. That was you. That kicks ass, man. I was looking to be you, like not...

That was you. I was going to be you. Like not. Hey, wait, hold on real quick. Question asker. Wow. You seem to have lived into an adult life without ever learning to ride a bike. Maybe convince them they don't need it. I struggle with that a lot because my kids will get frustrated and they're like, is this

important? And then they're like looking in the garage for my bike, like not going to find it kids. It's not there. I don't have one. If I want a trophy and I've never ridden a bike. Yeah, if I'm being honest to a kid, I would say it's maybe once every couple of years, it's gonna be extremely important when all of your friends are like,

bike time, and you're like, fuck. But the rest of the time, you can have diarrhea or whatever on the day and you don't have to sweat it that was sort of my MO I have a perfectly functional gastrointestinal system it's just sometimes I'm inconvenienced by things I never really learned how to do Wow you never learned how to do a lot of things oh no the house of cards I've built around myself. I have been in various drum lines throughout the years and have marched world-class to make it to finals in indoor drum line.

I'm a cymbal player and I always get excited to tell people about the things that I've done. However, when I mention cymbals, they just clap their hands together and say like this. But it's a lot more skill-based and complex than that how do I convince people that my instrument is cool that's from cool cymbal crasher from Charlottesville. Are you here? Okay great. Obviously there's more to it than just this. Right. Sometimes you got to hit them with a one of those. Or maybe you kind of wiggle them gently together so it makes like a like slow build

So that is called the shimmer and that happens Without them. It's they're already shaking. They're trying to control it with everything Oh, I thought the shimmer cuz yeah, the symbols are drawn together naturally like man They're both magnetic a lot of the work is holding it apart. Yeah, I see Well, well, there's the rubber, the rubbing action. The rubber is huge, man. The rubber, the rubber, people love it because they know something's about to happen, right? When you hear them start to scrape together, it's like, here it goes.

And in a marching band, it's not so part of the Flash and Bazzazz. You've got a big mirror strapped to your hand. You can do one of these. Yeah, yeah. Wave it around. People love that. You can throw it like Kung Lao's hat at an opposing marching band.

Would you say we've covered most of the stuff? Would you be comfortable, I don't know if the microphone is out there, would you be comfortable telling us more about cymbal playing? It's okay if the answer is no. Yeah, cool. Hi.

Hi, brothers. Hello. My name is Reagan, my pronouns are she, her. Hi, Reagan. Yeah, cymbals, they're really heavy. Yeah. They're really heavy. They're really heavy. Okay. Wait, Reagan, sorry, Reagan. Yeah, cymbals. They're really heavy. Yeah. They're really heavy. They're really heavy.

OK. Wait, Reagan. Sorry, Reagan? Yeah. Is that what you wanted people to know about cymbals? No. You get, we bring you up to the mic, and we're like, tell us all about cymbals.

And you're like, they're heavy. Paul had to run a quarter mile. Many Pauls died to bring us this information. Well, you also, you do these things called juggles where you like throw them up in the air. Yeah. And you like rotate them a couple times. Oh yeah. There's a lot of stuff that you do. You gotta make sure you catch them

because if they fall on the pavement they're gonna crack. Do you throw them like a Kung Lao hat at an enemy marching band ever? But you could. I pretended to. I pretended to use them as a guillotine a lot. Fuck yeah. That's cool. Reagan, let me ask you, if somebody's like, oh, just like that, and you could say like,

no, they mean a lot more than that. And then someone's like, what do you mean? You say, well, they're symbolic. Oh shit. That's good. My friends have said that before. They've made that pun a lot. Yeah.

Damn it. Thanks, Reagan. God. You could also, oh, thank you. Oh, I don't know if Travis was dismissing you with that thanks, Reagan. No, no, no, no. We have so know if Travis was dismissing you with that thanks for a good fact, right? We have so many questions, unless you want to sit down, that's fine, it's up to you.

I get it, I don't like standing either. I don't get why people, why people wouldn't think that's cool. It's the thing that, when you say like, here's a marching band, right, I think it's the thing people most look forward to, that and when the drum major throws their shiny stick in the air and catches it. That's the two best things.

And sometimes the marching band makes the shape of a Pac-Man and it moves around like Pac-Man and that's super good. Or when the cymbal's like shh, everybody loves it. Yeah. I should let you guys know my college marching band once made Sans Undertale. That's fucking incredible, absolutely.

I think that the cymbal, and I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, is the drop of marching band. Yeah. And you should wear that as a badge of honor and if anyone gives you a hard time you say interesting and then 30 minutes later when they're not paying attention you get right up behind their ass and you give them a big one. And then when they wake back up, you say, no, it's more like that. Yeah.

Is there a strict ethical code about not giving people a full smash when they're unaware? Is there like, because I think that would be the first thing you learn is like, now listen, if I'm going to teach you how to do a full smash, you cannot do it when someone's unaware. Do you ever smash the cymbal so hard that you're like, man, I wish I was further away from this?

Yes. Is there a way to direct it out away from you? You've got to smash it, but at an angle, so all the sound goes forward and not back. I mean, it still hits you either way. Why do you do it? It's fun. That's so loud.

It's a lot of scary. It's heavy. It smashes you in the face when you do it. Try the trumpet. That all goes out of scary. It's heavy. It smashes you in the face when you do it. Try the trumpet. That all goes out. A lot lighter too. Yeah. And everyone thinks the trumpet's cool.

I am curious why you chose the cymbals or did perhaps the cymbals choose you? The cymbals chose me. It's a very long story. Okay. Yeah, we don't have to get into it. Thank you so much. Thanks, Reagan. I appreciate it. Thanks, story. Okay. Yeah, we don't have to get into it. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thanks, Reagan.

I appreciate you, Reagan. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, listen, when someone's on your podcast and you ask them a question, they say it's a long story. I'm going to take a bit of their word, okay? We got a fast moving show. Yeah, Reagan can sell out a show here

and tell the story if they want to. Should we do another question? I am a 13 year old boy who is five foot nine inches tall. I'm already taller than everyone else in my family, but I want to like really want to hit six feet tall. Do you have any tips or advice for how to get at least six feet tall? That's from bonus inches in Bethesda.

Are you here? Wait, wait, are you here? Awesome. Nice. Nice. Have you checked to see how much you've grown since you sent a question in? It's, it was two days ago.

Okay. So I doubt it's that intense. I mean- Well, you've come to the right place because we're three, six feet tall gentlemen. What was your secret Travis? What were the vegetables? My secret?

Tall vegetables. That's true, man. Celery. Yeah. That's the only tall vegetable that comes to mind. Asparagus. Oh yeah, for sure. Asparagus is a tall vegetable.

I think rhubarb, if you cover it, it grows weird and tall. I'm not sure. The commercials say milk. Where are we at on milk? We feel in the gut. I think milk is still one of the favorites for making for big bodies.

That just makes you denser. That's how I became six feet wide. Yeah. Would you trade density for height? Any day of the week, man. No fucking problem, absolutely. So the same amount of molecules in your bones, just taller. There's some places in my house only I can get to,

and that's cool. You know what I mean? If there could be even more places that were my own little secret goblin holes, I could squirrel away little but scotches and sweets in them and no one would be the wiser. That's great for me. I would love a few more inches. I don't. I'm. It was you. There was one person who started laughing at that. It started. It was, it was a poor effect. Infect infected everybody. It was a mind fire.

It was a tragedy for me. Why was that, do you think, when Grimace said he could use a few more inches? I don't know what it was. What about that was funny? I'm, I'm, I'm five six and I used to be five seven. Yeah. And then I checked and it was five six.

Yeah. So I'm five six and I don't, that doesn't bother me. I don't think of myself as a short, like little guy pie. It doesn't bother you that you lost an inch somewhere? No, everybody makes mistakes. The point is, the point is, I don't think it bothers me, but sometimes, sometimes I stand up on a little ledge. And yeah, I see anybody ever stand up on a little ledge and I see anybody ever stand up on a

little edge and have a moment where they're like this. I could get you. I could get used to this four inches, a four inch ledge and I'm up there. I'm drunk on power. Yeah, for sure. I'm speaking like this. Yeah, particularly thick sandals and I'm like, whoa, it's why cowboy boots exist. Yeah. To make those people feel cool. Cool and tall. That's why I wore them. They made me six foot five.

You know about space travel, right? Cause that's the only definite option I know about. Sorry. Those are like the rack. If you go to space, if you go to space, you come back taller for a while. Okay. So if you get to like five 11 and by the time you're a doll, we're all going to space all come back taller for a while. Okay. So if you get to like 5'11 and by the time you're a doll

we're all going to space all the time, no big deal. You could get up there and maybe get that last inch. So when you go in space it push you apart is what you're suggesting? When you go in space. Well only if you go in space when a big giant grabs your feet and spins around really fast and lets you go and you fly off into space.

Yeah. Then it stretch you out. I think if you get near a black hole, you get pretty tall for a sec. Yeah. They say like when you wake up first thing in the morning, you're taller than by the end of the day, as everyone's sunk down.

So just don't get out of bed. That's huge, man. The more you lay down, the taller you'll get. That's science. Also bed sores. Bed sores is another thing but it's worth the trade-off trust so many little goblin holes oh so jealous not the bed source not the bed source no I don't want those I'm ready Trev oh okay I have a little game it's called called Abnumals Presents Shirts Pants Both or Neither. For

any of you who don't know Abnumals is my own personal predilection where I have a real fascination with the cartoon animals from the 90s where it's animals but with abs. They're like ripped animals. Yeah, sexy animals. So this will be about animals from the TV show Street Sharks. Whoa. And I have tastefully censored the photos. And my brothers will have to guess if that character is wearing shirt, pants, both, or neither.

We're so bad at this game, y'all. It's really hard, harder than it should be, honestly. Okay, let's quite the coward, and his primary weapons are big blaster guns. Why didn't the sewer sharks kill this guy day one? Yeah. Pity? I guess, yeah.

They are sharks, though. They should, there's some natural instinct that should have killed this guy. It does look like this one is about to kill him. That's true, it looks like he's actively being struck by a motorcycle. Here's what I think, Here's what I think. Belt, bandolier, nothing else. Whoa, holy shit. A bold, I guess it works for Chewie, man. Yeah, man. I think that this is some

of your worst question mark doing today. I think that you- What is the small sliver that you have left visible? That's one of his arms, bud. Okay, it's- Okay, you're not good at that. That's not a skill you have. I'm not a designer by trade. I'm a comedian, an artist. Justin is effectively saying neither

with his belt and bandolier guess. I feel like this shrimp, he's wearing long, extremely playful gloves. I'm going to say both, pants and shirt. Okay, to be clear, I'm saying shirt. I just think it'll be- A bandolier is a shirt in your- A thin, with a belt, I said.

Like it's upper gear. Maybe it's a vest. How is a bandolier a shirt, but a belt isn't pants? All I have to say is shirt. I'm not going to go- I'm not going to get DQ'd because I said- because you counted it as neither. I don't think it's naked.

I think it would count as a shirt. We always say this, Juice. We always fucking get at each other's throats. I know. That's what he wants. We never get it right, because the animals are always so much more naked than we think they're gonna be.

Okay, let's reveal. Show me shrimp-loving. I mean. I mean. I mean. Now, what I love about this character design, Justin, was- Do I get two points? You get one point. Okay, that's fair, yeah.

But he's got the bandolier, so I'm going to strap on. But it seems to strap under his exoskeleton. That's cool. Yeah, it does kind of end at his shell, doesn't it? Yeah. And what is he demonstrating? And this is how I cower. Here's how I make love. And what's the middle hand for? I don't know. Now can I make an argument that the exoskeleton of this shrimp creature does count as a shirt and pants? Absolutely not. Okay, fine. No, he goes into his raised eyebrows.

Okay, that's totally fair. That extend off of his face. Just had to be sure. Okay, next image, Paul. Shit, man, are these all street sharks? All street sharks. This is Slobster. Okay.

If Slobster is not wearing pants, they're doing an Austin Powers thing where the bike is hiding his wiener. So Lobster is one of Dr. Paradigm's earlier experiments, along with Slash. He was created by injecting a, get this, lobster, with the DNA of villainous figures like Genghis Khan and Colonel Thomas Blood.

Give me those two names again? Genghis Khan and Colonel Thomas Blood. Is he giving us two names again? Genghis Khan and Colonel Thomas Blood. I don't know that one. Becoming an anthropomorphic lobster that salivates constantly. All right. Slobster. Even better.

And Slobster, can I describe his facial expression as just go around already? Yeah, I know, just go around. You're being incredibly graceful to Slobster with that. Can we get a close up on Slobster's face, Paul? Just like an extreme Slobster close up. If he's not wearing pants, this cartoon should never have been on the air.

And let me just tell you folks, if your friend looks like this after a party, don't let him drive home. No fucking way, man. They're not safe to drive. I'm going pants. No shirt pants. No shirt. I'm going man. I also think it's pants No shirt, I'm all safe fully clothed But the sewer sharks are so nude guys like the sewer sharks are also it appears laughing at him I think the chime of their lives. Could he not find a bigger motorcycle and that's really funny to them?

Okay, you know what? He's not wearing a shirt. He's fully nude. This is a fully nude lobster man. Fully nude lobster. Okay, let's reveal Paul. Fully nude. Yes!

Wait, hold on, sorry. Let me amend that. Yes! And also, no. No, slobster, no. Slobster, no, man. Okay, next, man. Okay, next with the wall.

I, Travis, I don't know what I'm looking at, my man. Give me at least an orientation here. That's Clamando. That's Clamando. Wait, why does he have clothes inside of the shell? He extends up beyond the shell, Griffin. I don't know what to tell you. God, I hate this one the worst.

This one sucks to think about. In an episode called Shark to the Future, brilliant, an alternative future where Dr. Luther Paradine has taken over the world featured Clemando as one of the mutated creatures on Dr. Paradime's side. His origin was later revealed. As a human, he was a dock worker. He was, this thing used to be a human?

Who worked for Malcolm Medusa III. One day, he slipped from the dock and fell into the sea where someone had dumped barrels of toxic waste. Why they were dumped right next to a dock or how no one knew about that is never explained. All right, here's where I'm at. Hold on. Okay.

This dumping of toxic waste had a large grouping of oysters surrounding him. The waste fused the man's and the oyster's DNA together, turning him into the human-oaster hybrid. This show's terrifying, man. It's so scary. You're telling me that can happen? Yeah. Yikes.

The guy next to him is like, this was my son. I have been looking at this the entire time it's been up, just trying to figure out what could be below the shell. What's the parts of the guy? What's below the shell? Yeah. Because I think about oyster, it's not usually anything down there. Well, he's also part man. Yeah, that's what scares me the most, Tra oyster. Yeah. It's not usually anything down there. Well, he's also part man.

Yeah, that's what scares me the most, Trav. OK. Definitely, please, Christ. I've been so good lately. Let there be pants on this. I would, from what I'm seeing here, I could, I don't even know if you could say conclusively about pants unless they're like hiked way up.

Yeah, yeah. This could be like low rise. Which is the cool look now. I don't know know if you could say conclusively about pants unless they're like hiked way up. Yeah, yeah. This could be like low rise. Which is the cool look now. I don't know if people know that. And that, and it started with Clamando. Yeah, yeah. Clamando started that trend, high-waisted pants.

I will say pants, no shirt. Shirt, no pants. Reveal. Yes! Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's pants and shirt, pal. Ooh, now we did establish a precedent with Bandelier, didn't we? Damn it.

OK, now hold on. Let's think through this. The shell is the band. If that's a Bandelier, it's not going all the way around. It's a neck. It's a cool necklace. It's just sitting in the shell. I also would bet just he can't reach it.

Yeah. But there's no way. So is that his body? Wow, I don't like looking at this one anymore than I need to. Do you think that the other guy is like, listen, if you're going to party with the street sharks, you're going to have to lose some of those clothes, muchacho. How about just half a shell? What do you say? Is the shell part of it or? Okay, let's see that next one, Paul. There's so many. Okay.

Okay. This one's adorable. This one's El Sordo. No, Travis. It is. Travis, what's his real name? El Sordo was a circus performer who worked with a large Marlin named Spike.

You know how circus performers do. Work with Spike? Worked with a large Marlin named Spike. You know how circus performers do. Work with a large Marlin named Spike. In Satellite Sharks, Spike was abducted and used by Dr. Paradigm, and his trainer sought them out in the desert. The two were eventually fused, it says in quotes, together, resulting in a combination of memories. But he is dominantly the human in action and personality.

El Sordo helps the street sharks and man to man fight the Mechosharks. Fuck yeah. El Sordo remains active in entertainment, having been on a naval ship in one episode where he was exercising his skills with double swords by slicing fruit in half while they're in midair. How embarrassing for Elsordo that that's what his career turned into.

Hey, what's up? Thanks for your service. Just started hucking fruits up here. I'm going to show you. You guys are going to flip shit. I guess all you could say I'm the real fruit ninja. Okay, let's go. Let's go. Your kids are going to love it. Shirt, no pants. It's speak, El Sordo is speaking to me and he's saying, shirt, no pants. He's saying, kill me, please.

Listen. Euthanasia me, please. I don't wanna. Drown me in vodka. I don't wanna lose it. I don't wanna lose the audience, but here's what I'm gonna say right now. Yeah. I think we'd all be better off

if Dr. Paradigm was killed. It seems like Dr. Paradigm has gotten rid away with a lot of crimes against us and sharks. In a later episode, spoiler, his DNA is fused with the piranhas, so he does get a little taste of his own medicine. Becomes a super piranha dude? Well, he doesn't change as much as El Sordo. No, Travis was being literal. He takes his special piranha medicine.

He tastes it and he's like, oh, interesting. What did you guess about this? Oh, shirt, no pants, all day. Oh, this is pants and a shirt. Reveal. Shirt. Fuck. Damn it.

Man, they really spent a long time illustrating his bathing suit area. Yeah, they really shaded the hell out of it, didn't they? They really worked hard at it. Harder than at the teeth. He doesn't have a shadow from his body, but he's got a shadow on his balls. That's cool.

OK, we got one last one here. OK. What, Travis, is that? Well, that's Kilimari. Kilimari is the third of Dr. Luther Paradine's evil seviots created from a squid that was captured off the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Slash and Kilimari despise each other, mostly because Slash made a snide remark

about Kilimari's initial inability to talk and that Kilimari is much more intelligent than Slash. Kilimari has the ability to project natural spears or harpoons from his mouth. Fucking, I'm Team Kilimari, you're telling me I'm supposed to be rooting for the sharks? These projectiles drip with an extremely potent venom. Hell yeah they do. I love that. Now in his debut episode titled Lone Shark, he almost killed jab, but Lena and Ben's concocted an anti-venom which has since reduced his whatever bullshit

Nobody can resist these incredible toxin I'm gonna say kilimari is a big threat. You can't have a big believable threat when they're completely nude I'm gonna say pants and shirt on kilimari. I'm sorry, Juice. Kilimari's looking at my soul right now with those deeply offset eyes and he's telling me Griffin, there's nothing under here. My nudity is part of my power. Don't take this from me. I'm not ashamed of what God and Dr. Paradine gave me! Neither! This is a nude squid, and I love him so much!

Let's reveal Paul! Barely pants! Barely pants, alright! Also, I don't know what's happening in the abdominal area. Ha ha ha! No one! No one! Farewell for now.

Bye! Adieu. Hi everybody. It's me, Travis McElroy, your middle-ist brother, and I'm here to tell you- Travis, how did you get into my office? Oh, Justin. I've always been in your office. Okay. Me too. I live in this. Whoa.

I live in this little bookshelf. I read all the Animorphs books you got every day. Hey Justin, can we go back to you asking me how I got in your office and I'll tie it in. How'd you get in my office? I flat Stanly'd myself and mailed myself here with stamps. Stamps.com? That's right, Justin.

I had a big bulletin board fall over on me, flat myself out. And then I went to stamps.com, printed out postage, slid her out of my forehead because I forgot to buy envelopes. And I tried to blow him back up with a pump, which I know you're thinking, just blow him back up with a pump.

I tried that, he was screaming like it hurts so much. Well, he just inflated one leg a lot is the problem. It just all went to one leg. You know, the holidays are such a big hassle, but you can get ahead of it right now And free we were on this whole flat Stanley thing, but no do your holiday No, the ad is coming to an end. I can feel it my clothes. Wow it really feels like we just started Are you sure I know the adventure was just beginning and a commercialism wears its ugly head again Oh, man sign it with stamps.com and intercode my brother for for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale.

No long term commitments or contracts. That's stamps.com code mybrother. Like if you wanted to ship your brother a book on improv and look how to do it or whatever. You could use stamps.com. Now I thought about it and you guys can keep doing your skit in the next ad if you want. Well it's funny all this talk about Flat, because I was going over my finances the other day with rocket money, just going over some of the subscriptions that I may have forgotten about.

And I had one for a subscription. Wait, you're managing them? More like guy-nances. OK. Oh, yeah. Little guy-nances. Yeah. But anyway, I was so like, I was.

Justin, that was in the improv community, what we call instead of yes and that's or my thing. Or but. So, yeah, so anyway, I was looking at my, my guidance. Is this part of it? Is this part of it? Yeah, so I was, anyway, I was looking at my fucking finances and you know what I saw on my subscriptions list I forgot about was Thick Stanley. This is a special website for bigger... For discerning gentlemen. For discerning gentlemen.

For taste. Who needs a Stanley with a little... For discerning gentlemen. For discerning gentlemen. For taste! Who needs a Stanley with a little bit of meat on his bones. A more refined sensibility. Who likes a thick Stanley. So I didn't get rid of that one with Rocket Money, but I did get rid of a lot of other ones with Rocket Money. He actually double subscribed to it! I became a Triple Diamond...

He wanted it on all his devices. I got a Triple Diamond membership and two promo invite codes for thick Stanley. He got it in all his devices. I got a triple diamond membership and two promo invite codes for Thicke Stanley. He got it in the stand stands. But I can help you get set up with Rocket Money for free, absolutely. It's a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Genuinely, I actually just did this three days ago and found no fewer than three different

kids edutainment apps that I had subscribed to and forgotten about. I actually got a large transaction warning that I had forgotten about from Rocket Money. So that was nice, good reminder. I get updates weekly to say how my spending that week compared to my spending the week before, which is incredibly helpful.

I actually like that Rocket Money helps you guys the way that it helps me. I thought we had a special, but then again, Rocket Money has over 5 million users. Oh, it's the end of the ad. Wow, I was guys the way that it helps me. I thought we had a special. But then again, Rock and Money has over five million users. Oh, it's the end of the ad. Wow, I was in the middle of it. I know, I'm sorry Griffin, but at the time of it. But it's in yellow, Justin, we have to say it.

I'm sorry guys, you gotta go to the other part now. But Rock and Money has over five million users and it saved a total of 500 million and canceled subscriptions saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Why would you want people to know that? Well, I'm trying to keep the secret to just us. Oh, I see.

Oh, I got you. Anyway, cancel your unwanted subscriptions, not fix Stanley, but the other ones by going to rocketmoney.com slash my brother. That's rocketmoney.com slash my brother. One last time, rocketmoney.com slash my brother. There's still not a great way to come back from using the toilet in front of a bunch of people and feel

like great about it. It's not like where the rolling stoads coming out for an encore. We pretty much told you, we have to go use the toilet. I went back there Griffin, I pissed like nobody's watching man. Excellent. I really let it go. I fucking hope nobody's watching you use the toilet, Travis. Yeah, that's the only way I do it.

You never like the biz like somebody's watching? Nope, never. Like Jesus? Come on now. Oh, breaking news. It's a haunted doll watch. Now, Paul, please do not reveal the image of the doll until I call for it, okay? Let's meet our first contestant. It's Milvia. That's not a name!

I'm gonna set up for you, Milvia, okay? And I'm gonna paint a word picture. I want you to fall on your head, okay? Okay. Milvia, a highly powerful spirit, possesses the essence of a blood witch. Wielding formidable magic rooted in the ancient arts of blood sorcery, her presence resonates with primal energy and deep mysticism, reflecting her profound connection to the forces of nature and the unseen realms. As a blood witch, Milvia harnesses the potent energies of blood to fuel her spells and rituals, drawing upon the life force within to manifest her intentions with extraordinary precision and potency. Her magic is ancient and primal, tapping into the primal forces of creation and transformation. I feel like we focus mostly on how Milvia is a witch and not that Milvia is also a ghost.

Yeah. Yeah. And can I also say how I love so much of that description? Could have ended, every sentence could have ended with or whatever. Or what? All right, let's see Milvia. That's not what I...

So, okay. I think you may have over-promised a little bit. That is an off-the-rack monster high action figure. So, okay, I think you may have over-promised a little bit. That is an off-the-rack monster high action figure. That is, for the first time in Hanedal history, a toy has been listed that I would have to spend so much time actively stopping my children from playing with. Yeah, yeah. No, honey, there's a spirit in there.

No, it's a vessel. And her power extends beyond conventional witchcraft, delving into the realms of the occult and the esoteric. She's a spirit in there. Yeah. No, it's a vessel. And her power extends beyond conventional witchcraft, delving into the realms of the occult and the esoteric. She's a master of divination. No, they're not over-promising. Listen, this doll for $22 is a master of divination. Possessing the ability- Is the guitar involved?

To peer into the depths of the unknown and unveil hidden truths and secrets, Milvia's energy is indeed fierce and unwavering, fueled by her deep commitment to protecting her keeper from harm. As a powerful spirit of a blood witch, she possesses an innate sense of loyalty and guardianship. She's been promoted to Avenger at this point.

No mere doll. I'm just going to say, I'm not familiar with blood witch mythology, but if they're protectors and guardians, gotta rebrand. Gotta get a new name y'allors and guardians, gotta rebrand. Gotta get a new name y'all. Guys, you gotta rebrand.

I'm just happy to see a doll on this list where the listing is not like, this haunted doll is going to fuck you up. Yeah. Gonna ruin your life and make all your shit float around. Your dog's gonna start acting mad weird and you're not gonna know why.

Oh. That was a little. But don't get it twisted. She's nine inches tall. With the hat. Don't let it be confusing. She's nine inches tall. Next.

Oh. Okay. From the same seller. From the seller that brought you. From the seller that brought you, Milvia, meet Esme. This one's maybe the scariest of all. This just goes right into it.

I've communicated with her using various forms of divination and giving her a reading. Esme is a baby witch. She was 18 years old when she passed away. She was born into a pagan family. And though she's not given me a year, my reading suggests 17th century. And she was summoned to this vessel by witchcraft

Esme has been bound of her own free will well Okay, you can some people are into that heard you can spin off a bunch of occult bullshit here at the in the description Of this I'm still kind of stuck on 18 year old baby witch Esme specialized baby stuck on 18 year old baby witch. Esme specializes. I'm a baby witch. You're 18 years old. Get a job, Esme. Take some responsibility.

She likes to recharge her energy in moonlight, surrounded by crystals, her spirit activating the crystals around her, enhancing their powers, and imbuing them with protective and healing properties. She's a great assistant if you practice crystal witchcraft. Can we see her, Paul? No. No.

No. Now this one is eight inches tall and it is the mom from the Berenstain Bears. An unmodded factory condition, mom from the Berenstain Bears. Fresh off the factory line. Can I tell you what's wild? I didn't remember the mom from Barrenstain Bears being a baby witch when I was a kid.

She is safe. Stop showing us the butts of the dolls, eBay and Paul. This is where the ghost got in. She is safe in homes with children and pets. I'm not sure she'd be safe in a home with pets. No, I don't think so either. That's a chew toy. That's a chew toy right there.

Cool, she could take selfies though. She likes Esme. Oh, when Bay catches you. Esme likes offerings of lavender and the honey, eh boo boo? Also, she's chafing her power and bond her with her keeper. She does not take well to dark energies or loud noises or an environment that lacks any kids. Where do you keep your bear and same bear mom toy

outside where she likes it? And her name is Esme, thank you. Thank you so much. She's a crystal witch. Last contestant. Content, are they competing for our? I know who has my vote so far. Yeah, for sure.

Let's hold off on that image for just a second Paul Because it's very important this captivating Yeah, you just got shown Paul No They're starting to play hardball with the people that collect witch stuff They're starting to come for them with the people that collect witch stuff. They're starting to come for them where they live with pictures of cats playing with each other.

What is cats levitating? But it's this captivating frame limited edition print by renowned artist Susan van Camp measuring 12 inches by 10 inches to tip picks to majestic cats. Majestic is what we're called. Okay, it says it depicts two majestic cats gazing out at the we're call- It says it depicts two majestic cats gazing out at the viewer, which is demonstrably untrue. Wait, which one? Wait, which one is it though? Cause that's two different pictures. Yeah, that's confusing, isn't it Griffin? Cause one is definitely a picture,

and one is a painting. And I think the picture's AI, it's gotta be. Yeah, okay. Yeah, research into Susan Van Camp's work revealed a recurring theme of feline guardians and angels. Intriguingly, the print itself, number 49 out of 500, hints at a sense of duality. How?

Because there's two of them. OK. I think, right? Because there's two. Well, because there's a flash in there. Well, there's two cats. And so there's a Cause there's two. Cause there's a flash in there. Well, there's, well, there's two cats. And so there's a sense of duality. Oh, wait, wait.

So it is that, wait, does it have wings in that one? It has wings. We believe this frame print has become a vessel for the spirits of two feline angels, Luna and Jasper. Now hold on. That's right. Monsterably one of them is an angel. They got, they graduated from cats to picture of cats.

All dogs go to heaven, all cats go to pictures of cats. Lunen Jasper. Hey man, sorry I died. Just wanted to come say bye one last time. Lunen Jasper. You got any of that good string, brother? They embody different, the Lunen Jasper are a complimentary pair embodying different aspects

of feline guardianship. Cool. So it's kind of the two different sides of that. New owners of this frame print might experience feelings of calm and security. I'm feeling calm just thinking about owning it. Haunted or no, I feel calm and secure looking at this. I'm also going to say I'm not an art curator.

A lot of matting on that picture. That's like 90% matte In closing it says this framed limited edition cat print is more than a beautiful piece of art It's a conduit for the loving energy of two feline So those are your haunted items for this week. Thank you so much haunted all watch Okay, we are going to call some folks down to the microphone here. We've asked you for your questions in advance and we have chosen the ones we like so much. So if we call you down, approach the microphone if you want to tell us your name, your pronouns if you'd like and what your question is and

we will answer it live. Hello. Hi. Hi, how's it going? I'm doing well, how are you? Pretty kick ass, yeah, no complaints. What'd you have for dinner? No, we don't have to keep up the chitchat, it's fine. What is your name? Hello. My name's Kate. Hi, Kate.

Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. So polite, Kate. Did you have a question we could help you with, Kate? Yes, I did. So I work for one of the largest environmental organizations in the world. But I don't like

to go outside. So I need some advice on how to bond with my coworkers who are very outdoorsy people and bird watching doesn't work because I hate birds. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Cool. Say no more. Is it possible they're outdoorsy people because they don't know TV exists?

Have you told them about TV? I've tried, we like, are trying to fight climate change though, so maybe they don't want the electricity going up. TV doesn't do anything about it. TV is fine. TV is fine, all the climate change scientists. You're thinking about fossil fuels. Yeah, yeah.

TV don't run on fossil fuels. No, no, no. TV runs on young Sheldon. TV have, sorry, I know this gets confusing. TV have Young Sheldon and Amazing Race. It doesn't do anything to the environment. TV is great and neutral, and we're all pretty much in agreement on that.

Yeah. Have you tried canoes? Canoes are usually outside though. Yeah, I know. I'm just looking for outside stuff you might like. No, sorry. We are going to suggest some outside stuff. Yeah.

But please take to heart. If we suggest outside stuff, you should probably take that with a tremendous amount of weight and power because we are also not huge outside fans. So anything we find out there that is the least bit worthwhile, if we bring it to your doorstep, I guarantee you that's got the seal of approval right there now Kate this it's made me think when you say you don't like outside to

what degree because you had to go outside at least to get here yes right so you don't like it because it's string you just don't like to be in nature right I don't like bugs for one. Yeah. I also don't like the sun. As you can tell, I'm very pale and Irish. So it's not good for me. Then, I mean, you should have some carve outs in your contract with this organization.

You say, I'm here to help the environment and global warming. I guess not a huge sun fan, which I guess we're fighting the sun. So kick ass. And if all bugs kind of beef it, that's why. If we can fight against bugs, is that okay? How many of them do we need?

We need a lot, a lot of them. They're so many. You'd be shocked. Yeah, yeah. Like 10. Scientists say that there's millions and millions of bugs all over the Earth. Travis, that's millions with an M, pal.

Two million bugs, Travis. That can't be true. There could be three to four bugs on you right now. Sorry. So why'd you get this job? For the money. Where the money is. Oh yeah, nonprofits make a lot of money.

Yeah, that's where the cash is. No, for real. You have, what is it about this job? What is it that attracted you to this position? So I live near DC, of course, so I work on the policy side of things, what is it about this job? What is it that attracted you to this position? So I live near DC, of course. So I work on the policy side of things, which is more indoor environmentalism.

Right. But my colleagues, a lot of them work in the field. So I have a hard time bonding with them. Right. I understand that. After you have saved outdoors, they're going to be happy that you're not hogging it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

After the work is done and outdoors is safe for good, they'll be out there ultimate frisbeeing or what have you and they'll be like, there's, it's actually getting a little crowded. If you go back indoors now, that would be great for us. You know what outdoorsy people who do like extreme stuff and like rock climbing and everything, you know what they really like? Telling people about being outdoors and doing rock climbing stuff and everything. So you can just be receptive to that and you can't one up it. It's not like I climbed a rock

and you're like, I climbed some stairs. Well, you can one up it because when they tell you about all their cool outdoor stuff, you say, huh, well they say take only memories, leave only footprints. I'm not even doing that. I have no impact on nature.

I have left the memories for you to scoop them up. The memories are still up there. Bring me back some memories. Bring me back some memories. Where there is no footprints in the sand, that was me at home watching young Sheldon. Does that help? Yeah, I'll just one up them, tell them

I'm a better environmentalist. Absolutely, because we don't mess with it. Fantastic. There you go. Fantastic. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Young Sheldon, too, if he made it.

Thank you. If you're here. He's always on the list. Thank you, Bazinga. Let's do it. Hello. Hi. Hi.

I'm Bonnie D. Hi, Bonnie. I have 12,000 Orbeez sitting in my classroom that I don't know what to do with. You sound like the villain in a kid's version of Speed. I have 12,000 Orbeez set to deploy in the New York City water system. Hey there, hot shop. You have 12. If you don't skivvy to your Ohio right now,

I'm gonna get these Orbeez. Did I use any of those right? I don't think so. What, okay, you have 12, these Orbeez. Did I use any of those right? I don't think so. Okay, you have 12,000 Orbeez because of a class activity that left you with a bunch of orphaned Orbeez. If you don't know about Orbeez, by the way, they're tiny hard spheres that when they get wet are even worse. Right? Basically? Therein lies the problem. Yeah.

They were bought for a school-wide dance We had because for some reason I decided I would take on centerpieces And I've never used Orbeez before so I bought like a pouch, you know this big Yeah, and somebody on staff said go ahead put them all in One of these big like six quart tubs and filled with water and they'll they'll absorb right up Yeah So they did and I started making the centerpieces and then I'd come in the next day and they were all over the floor so I take some out and you know

refill them to make it invisible and then I'd do it again. Orbeez get so big. Orbeez get big. Mind you I have outlets in the floor because I teach children's engineering like everything's broken. So not great. I can't have water on the floor. Yeah or wet balls. I've't have water on the floor. Yeah. Or wet balls.

Yeah, right. I've never used Orbeez before. And I have to get children out of them because they want to go in them all. Okay, yes, not ideal. I've never used Orbeez before. Do they keep getting bigger over time? Yeah, and more fragile.

They say they don't, but they do. They keep growing. Do they dry out? Therein lies the problem. Oh, go on. This is why I need help. You've said that more than once in your description. They keep growing. Do they dry out? Do they what? Therein lies the problem. Oh, go on. This is why I need help. If you have, you've said that more than once in your description of it.

It's like a nesting doll of problems. I feel like there's many problems. Each problem is inside the next problem. Bonnie, I think the problem is you have 12,000. Yeah, we understand the problem. It's the gravity of the problem. I'm too anxious to put them in a trash can for the custodians to have to carry away. Yeah.

Because what if they throw it in a wet dumpster and it destroys the school? What if the bag breaks and there's Orbeez everywhere and the animals are going to eat them? And it's raining. Yeah, absolutely. Because I tried the thing where I left them on the counter for a few days.

They were filled on May 27th. And my librarian texted me that they're still in my classroom full. They haven't gone anywhere. Yeah, no. I mean, you're going to need- So they're not drying out? I tried drying them out in the classroom, but the kids kept punching the foil I'd put on top

to go in them. I think this- So I put them outside. I think this checks one of the boxes for like the Saint Hood test. Yeah. Like, I think that, I don't know what other miracles you may or may not have performed in your life.

Also, I think that Saint Hood is know what other miracles you may or may not have performed in your life. Also, I think that sainthood is only rewarded posthumously, so it's maybe a bit of a bummer to talk about. But remember this, that you made infinite Orbeez one time. When you're buried alive in Orbeez. I mean, at this point. Now, Bonnie, I've come up with just a foolproof solution of how you can not have to worry about these Orbeez anymore. But before I tell you, I do have to ask you, how much do you like your job? Yeah, I kind of enjoy that.

You kind of enjoy your job. Okay, then you shouldn't just quit and leave the Orbeez there for someone else to deal with. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I mean, I sort of did that, which is why I got the text, because I left them outside to dry in the sun the last week of school, and then kind of forgot I put them outside.

Man. And then birds ate. But then it rained and they reabsorbed. Son of a gun. Damn it. Have we considered the possibility that Pennywise's big problem is that he doesn't have no Orbeez?

Yeah. And maybe, just maybe, if some kind-hearted soul dumped 12,000 of those motherfuckers right down there with Pennywise, he would either A, be killed. That's excellent. Hey man, it's me, Pennywise. What the fuck, dude? Like, I know, I get it.

I'm Pennywise, I'm kind of a piece of shit. But this is a bridge too far. My house is so wet, you guys. Not cool, bro. Not cool at all. I guess what we're saying is use them to kill Pennywise. Does that help? Yeah.

It helps us. Oh yeah, excellent. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Beautiful Orbeez. The whole Orbeez. Hi, how's it going?

Good. My name is Ariana. My pronouns are she,ez. Hi, how's it going? Good. My name is Ariana. My pronouns are she, her. Hi, Ariana. And my question is, how do I sneak a squatty potty into the bathroom at my work? I just, you may not be able to appreciate this just based

on where you are in the room, but I distinctly heard one person over here say, Yes! I heard it too. Yes! Can you just raise your hand real quick? We're not going to call you out or anything. Yeah, that's fucking great. Amazing. How many people work at where you work? Like eight or nine.

Okay, well not enough. Damn, that's the perfect number to really flummox us, I feel like. Yeah, that's a tough one. Because it was like hundreds of people, anyone could have brought that squatty potty in. Are you able to get in the office super duper early before anyone else gets in there? Yes. Oh, okay, well that's not a very funny answer though.

What if you went in and, okay, go in, put the squatty potty in, leave a note on it that says, from home base, you all are doing a great job. Yeah. Keep it up. Special. And keep this in place. Yeah.

Of course. We'll be checking. Don't ask any questions. There's another note underneath the bracelet, okay? Don't ask any questions about it, and don't touch it, and don't be weird about it. I mean, if you wanted it to be believable, you would leave a note that said,

hey, this is home base. Y'all have been taking way too long in here. This little footstool, believe it or not, is really gonna help you blast off. Yeah, you could prepare a PowerPoint for your boss, like, I'm gonna fucking crush efficiency, and here's my one-step plan. Squatty-potties, let's go. Just save you

$30 per enum. Now what if you brought the squatty-potty in? Does everyone know what a squatty-potty is? Because otherwise we'd be like toddlers. Hold on a second, I'm sure Paul's looking for a picture. Thank you so much Paul, it's a little foot stool. It helps you unkink your bread rolls. This is how God wants you to shit. Yeah. He wants you to squat and poop. That's what the Marshalls says. So this is how it is. And Marshalls can't lie. Marshalls can't lie.

They're on the TV where young children live. Why would they sell it if it didn't work? Yes, thank you so much. Is it possible that you could sneak the squatty potty in piece by piece? Oh, shit. That's actually what I was thinking. And I know it's all one big piece of plastic, but you're

gonna cut it up a little bit and then hot glue it back together. And eventually, yeah, it will just always have been there. Yeah. Yeah, that's my current working plan if I can't make anything different. I love that. That's a bad idea. It will be instantly cleaned up right away. It makes it the most noticeable way of doing it. There's gonna be stories in the newspaper about it. Please don't do it like that. That's how Andy Dufresne would do it and it's not how a person should do it at the place that they work at. I can promise that it would not get immediately cleaned up though. Can you? Wait what do you mean? That's chilly. If you work in a mean that's chilly? If I were to start building a squatty potty in the bathroom piece by piece,

they would just, people would leave it. Nobody would clean it up. So why are you worried about bringing one in at all? Sounds like nobody gives a shit, if you will. I mean, I get it. Once you've done it once, it's like, yeah, that's right. Shoot, I've been doing it wrong this whole time. Ding, dang it.

Well, it does, how many, okay, I'm gonna ask, how many, in the room where you'll be putting it, is there just one commode? Yes. Okay, thank goodness. Because if there were two and you just brought one in, people would always know which one you use. Yeah.

They're already gonna get that a little bit, right? They're gonna know that that's your star player. They're gonna know that it's essential to have a member of your team that you want to armored like all your guys. Like all your troops. If there were two and you only got one, and then you get in there and somebody's in that stall,

you'd have to be like, hey, could you pass that over? Kick that bad boy my way. That's actually mine. I brought it from home. If you could scoot it under the wall, that would be great. I don't want to make this weird, but scoot it over. It has my name on it. So if you don't.

How much stock and power do you have in this organization? Not very much. Oh, shoot. How much do you like your job? Not very much. Bring it in. Bring it in. Yeah, actually, that's great.

Yeah. OK. Does that help? Oh, bring it in, and then take it with you when you quit. Oh, of course. Does that help? Bring it in and then take it with you when you quit. They're going to be so like, oh no, we were all used to it. Or when you leave every day. You punch the clock and then wave to everybody like, hey, hi.

And you've got it right. You have a bike lock. You put it on every night. Or just never speak again at your job only communicate through intense Glances while hugging your squatty potty like the fucking log lady for the rest of your career there That good if you carry it with you all the time no one needs to know it's for the toilet Now it's just for you Squatty body for sure.

Does that help? Yes. Great. Awesome. Thank you so much. Hello. Hello. That's a great shirt.

Thanks. So my pronouns are he him and my question. Wait, what's your name? Sorry. It's part of the question. Oh yeah. So how do I react when people comment on that my name is Kevin Klein? Yeah.

Holy shit! Did you guys have any idea that Kevin Klein was a fan of my brother, my brother and me? How much harder has it been considered the fact that you kind of sound a little bit like Kevin Klein? Because that's got to make things a lot more challenging. Have you been working on that? In fact, you're Kevin? So I've only ever seen two things he's been in, which are Bob's Burgers.

Right. And Rotel Dorada. I've never seen a fish named Wanda or anything like that. Fucking In-N-Out. There's a lot of pretty good Kevin Kline flicks out there. No, Dave. Fucking Dave. Fucking Dave! Yeah, he's hot.

My boy, Kline, is in mad pictures. Have you, um. Wild, wild west? Nope. I'm talking about Kevin fucking Kline over here. Have you intentionally avoided the Kevin Kline au revoir? A little bit. Really?

Okay, so you steer clear of his fixtures. Here's what I'll say about your parents naming you Kevin Klein. Is that when it comes time to name a child, there's a lot of thought and work that goes into it because you don't know what it's going to be like, what their life is going to be like. Right. But at this point, with the last name Klein, you know Kevin works. Right. Because Kevin Klein has been very successful up until your birth. What year were you born in if you don't ask?

93. Oh, yeah. He fucking Kevin Klein. Yeah for sure Paul What kind of years Kevin Klein having in 93 because I feel like he's aces. I like his fire smoking I can you wear a man? Yeah, that's just more sexy pictures of Kevin Klein. That man is Dave93. He's on kevinklein.com. God, you pulled a slideshow. Wait, you just showed us that those were already on your computer before.

This is what I'm saying. He always saves. This is just on his hard drive. When people, do people ever want to talk to you more about Kevin Kline and some of their thoughts about Kevin Kline? Dave was 93. Come on. Holy shit.

Question. Wow. It's usually more like a throwaway comment, like, oh, like the actor? And it's like, yeah. Oh, well, Kevin, let me go ahead and tell you, that's not that bad. You got to take those on the chin. There's way worse stuff people can say in response to your

name, I bet. I was almost named Calvin Klein. Yeah, dog. That would have been way, way worse. Way better for us though. I mean, we can all agree that would have been, I mean, we could have a lot of fun with that, with the underwear stuff and everything. Yeah, sure. Do you want to change it to Calvin? No, not at all. What about Kelvin? And then when you tell people my name is Kelvin Klein and they're like, oh like the design you say no like the temperature Does that help yeah, I'll watch more movies. Okay. Yeah, you sure got a great Thank you so much Kevin. I'll never forget you. That's the most disappointed anyone's ever been to watch a Kevin Kline picture.

Oh, shit. He's so charismatic. I got a lot. Start with Wild Wild West. Don't end with Wild Wild West. Hello. Hello. I'm Shannon Scheher.

Hi, Shannon. Hi. I need you to choose my classroom theme for next year because I was thinking either like frogs or I wanted to make it like a medieval castle, but I pulled my students at the end of the year and overwhelmingly Shrek was the choice. Okay, I'm so excited about this

because mainly what I want to know, like what grade is this classroom? Sixth grade, English. And they love Shrek that much? Every year, yes. They still love Shrek. Every year? So much.

Every year they love Shrek. It's been a decade since Shrek has haunted the theaters, and yet he's so large in our children's hearts. Yeah, and in physical space. I got big news for you, Shrek's a frog. So like you've in a sense already won as a giant frog man. And if they were like, what are you thinking for the frog prom?

It was a prom I think. Where are you thinking for the frog prom? You're like, if I'm gonna have a giant man dressed like a frog, you'd be like, hell yes, that sounds awesome. Well, you're doing that anyway by having Shrek present. You're booking Shrek, right? Hey, you mentioned a frog.

You mentioned a frog prom in your question, right? Yeah, you were talking about frog prom, and if you should hire Shrek to come to your frog prom, right? Justin was only kind of listening, but you mentioned how do you get Shrek to come to your frog prom, right? Justin was only kind of listening, but you mentioned how do you get Shrek to come to your frog prom. You were saying you're designing a prom for sixth graders

and you take a poll and the sixth graders are like, yeah, we will fucking Shrek at our prom. Our frog prom? Yeah, exactly. At our frog prom? We got our Shrek there. He's the most famous frog, of course he's got to be at our prom. And a castle shaped cake.

Yeah, the important thing is not how close I listen, it's how much fun everybody has. I don't know if you guys know this. You are going to be looking at, Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake or I don't know, some parapets. I don't know what Castle theme looks like. Turrets. Now what you could do is you could incorporate Shrek in such a way that you have several different maybe representations of Shrek. And depending on their behavior the day before, maybe Shrek's disappointed in them next day. Or maybe Shrek's very proud of them the next day.

Maybe Shrek's a little concerned the next day. Hey, let me ask you, you wanted castles, right? And they got Shrek. Yes, that's close. Wait, but Shrek's a fantasy character. So do you just hate Shrek? Because you definitely could have done castles as part of Shrek.

It's harder to incorporate a castle in Frog Prom. I guess if you do like a Frog Prince thing. You know Frog Prom? I don't know where you keep getting that. You're right. I mean, to be fair, in the second one, in Shrek 2, his father-in-law is a frog prince. Okay.

That's very true. Why do I know that? I'm okay on Shrek. I don't hate Shrek. You're okay? Yeah. We actually did so good. But he's not funny enough because he's very funny.

He's really fucking funny. You got a thing against ogres? Cause they're like onions. We actually- They got layers. He's a frog, not an ogre. I don't know what you're talking about. Also, we actually have forgotten up to this point

and we gotta be better about this boys. We actually make everyone who comes up to the microphone during the live Q and A portion of this show give a plea that they don't hate Shrek. And so I'm glad that you have reminded us of- It's like a loyalty test. Yeah. You know what I mean? A plea?

Yeah. Just do Shrek. No, no. I want to hear it now. Tell us your deepest thoughts on Shrek and convince us you don't hate him. I want to hear the truth. Your truth.

Not the public face you put on. I want to know. When you're all alone at night, you're looking at yourself in the mirror. When you're all alone and someone's like, Shrek. And you're all alone, you meet Shrek. What are you thinking? Would you rather be alone in the woods

with a man or a Shrek? Does it, is it just, I mean, what do you think of Shrek? Even Travis's joke is not gonna distract me. What do you think of Shrek? Tell me all your thoughts on Shrek. I saw Shrek in theaters in 2001. That was legally mandated. It's a classic.

That means something. Yeah. The first and second ones are very good. I saw the second one in theaters as well. Okay. It's not my favorite movie of all time. Okay. I'm not trying to Shrek keep here.

I don't hate Shrek. Okay. Please. No, we know you wouldn't be here if you hated Shrek. Yeah, we would know instantly actually. We know that's part of the test as we always know, right? There was security outside to check for that. That's what they were there for. Does that help? No, it doesn't. No, wait. No, Gryffindor's right. Gryffindor's right. Do frogs and castles in the same and then if they say sorry guys, they were out of Shrek stuff at the party supply store, so we have to pretend that this castle frog is a Maybe if you guys maybe like yeah, sorry

It's a castle frog and not Shrek is the best we could do maybe if you guys have brought in more box tops for education last year We could get real fucking Shrek Does that help very much yes cool awesome. Thank you so much Hey, what's up? Hey brothers, this is Adam and I like Shrek. Great, thank you so much. Wait, has a friend or like like like? No, come on. So I have a lot of rocks and minerals. I'm a geologist and I want to find... Yeah. What just happened? That happened. A lot of stoners here. That's what they call big fans of rocks.

So I want to find an inconspicuous way I can have my rocks or minerals out to show friends and get them to ask questions about them. You want to talk about your rocks, but in a way where it doesn't seem like you're trying to force the conversation. Yeah, and not small ones either. Like I have bigger rocks. Yeah.

Okay, we get it, Adam. You don't have to keep bragging about how big your rocks are. It's how big and cool your rocks are. Every time we hang out with this guy, I'm telling him, oh look at my big rocks. What's your current, like, how many rocks you got out of? How many rocks you got out? If I walk in your living room and look around just how many rocks am I clocking? in? Maybe like 10 to 30. Wait, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam. 10 to 30? It's not 10 is it Adam? Adam go ahead and tell me it's not ten, is it? No, no. It's not ten, I didn't think it was ten. Russian nesting rocks. Yeah, it's like 30 to 1500.

Don't help me move. Do you categorize by shape? I live in a can, it's fine. Would it be weird for you to spill a box of rocks and be like, oh no, they're so beautiful, help me pick them up and I'll tell you about each one. When someone comes over, have all the rocks out like on the couch and all the chairs and go oh let me move these yeah and then as you move each one say the

name of it. Yeah that's cool. Oh so embarrassing. So embarrassing I was solving a rocks mystery let me just put these away. I'm something of a rocks detective. It's called the geologist. Let me tell you more. Let me tell you all about it. I was just about to name this one, actually. Perhaps Kimberly. Kimberlyte. Kimberlyte.

Perhaps Kimberlyte? I'll tell you what would do it for me, Adam, is if I rolled up in your place, and it was incredibly minimalist, except for the one single rock that you had how for display. How big, Griffin? Any fucking size. and it was incredibly minimalist, except for the one single rock that you had out for display. How big, Griffin?

Any fucking size. If there's nothing else in the room except for one eye-catching rock, I'm gonna need to know everything about that before we talk about anything else. When someone comes visit your house for the first time, and you're showing them around, taking them to the room, and say, this is my rock collection,

and you open the door, and there's one rock in there. And they're like, I thought you said rock collection. You say, I'm just getting started. Is this for your home or office? Life. Really, anywhere. I mean, if you're a geologist, the world's your office, it's all rocks. Yep. It's a really good point.

Cause I'm saying- Wait, do you have any moon rocks? No. Damn it. Damn, that's so disappointing, Adam. It might be good,. Cause I was- Wait, do you have any moon rocks? No. Damn it. Damn. That's so disappointing Adam. It might be good, it might be good Adam if you started a rock of the day. So you would have like, I heard a few people.

Wait, are there neurodivergent people in here? Okay. I heard a rock of the day, right? So it's like one circle and it says rock of the day and you put a different rock there every day and people could come by and ask about that rock. That's good too because they're not gonna catch you slipping. They're not gonna be like, tell me about this one.

You're like, fuck, I don't know about that one, dammit. Yeah, you have its trading card pulled up and ready to go. I would like to hear just my applause out of curiosity. Knowing that Adam is a geologist expert in rocks, who wants to talk about rocks, how many people in this room would like to hear like details about rocks? I mean, I mean, condition conditional applause if I don't have any other cool stuff I've got going on. Yeah, I'm getting down with a romantic partner, if you guys know what I mean. Is there a guitar professor next door or something

that you have to worry about? Oh, you like rock and roll? Well, let me show you some rocks. That roll. Oh, you like getting your rocks off? Well, let's get our rock on. Jesus Christ. You will be excused for the premises.

Adam, does that help? Immensely. Thank you so much, Adam. That also works. There we go. All right, if you could shut the house lights off, making sure Adam's safely to... I had one more, if I could do it.

Yeah, go ahead. Oh, you won't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm a geologist, right? And it's like a jailo. I don't think that one is it. Thank you so much for joining us here. Thank you. Thank you for these beautiful trophies. Thank you for making us here. Thank you.

Thank you for these beautiful trophies. Thank you for making us feel like real winners. Thank you to the Capital One Hall for having us. Thanks to everybody who made this tour possible, like Paul Sporn, Rachel, Amanda, and Jack. And thank you so much to Kate May for this incredible tour poster. Yes, thank you. We signed a bunch of them out in the lobby.

They might still be out there. I don't know. Y'all have been incredible. Seriously, fantastic. This is truly wild to do this here and do a sold-out show. You all are remarkable. Thank you all. So very, very, very, very good. Okay. So thank you to Montaigne. Yes. remarkable. Thank you all. So very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, sentence. We, at the end of our live shows, we like to lift a wish up to Fungalore.

He doesn't need any help hearing them, but like it's symbolic. And so- And he appreciates it. I'd like to read this one that someone sent in ahead of time. Yeah. And maybe you could lead the congregation

in a bit of a- I don't like that. Like a cleansing sonic bath. To like raise this up. So- Okay, so we're gonna start low and it's gonna build up as Justin's doing it. Before you do it.

You do it. Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma I wish that Capital One CEO Rich Fairbank would play Magic the Gathering with me. My name is Justin McElroy. My name is Travis McElroy. Griffin McElroy. My brother, my brother, me. ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah Ah, it's better with you