My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 773: Face 2 Face: Callioucifer

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

What’s up, console cowboys, we’ve got a new brain dance from the McElFreaks! Live from Sacramento, we’re jacking in to the system to talk about turtle-on-turtle action, the Entourage multiverse, and ghost cats.Suggested talking points: Pockets of a Small Boy, Ask the Plane to Make a Special Stop, Travitas, The Ariroboros Theory, Little Scary Doll Song, Ghost Gap YearImmigrant Defenders Law Center: https://www.immdef.org/

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up, you cool, baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed It's ripened into a precious friendship I could've never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach

My life, it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like it feels like It's better, it's better with two But like, I'm better with you Hello Sacramento! Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. brother Justin McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middle brother, Travis Big Dog Wolf Wolf McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother Griffin 30 Under 30, media luminary, built for Tough Magari! And Griffin and I had to actively have a conversation with each other backstage where we told each other we needed to calm down because both of us were too riled up. We had, we, I mean, we heard y'all and we got the zoomies.

So literally the right before we walked out on stage, this is not a joke. Travis and I were sitting there talking about the advantages of a fly rail system versus a half fly system. And Griffin was running in circles around us. Genuinely. Just like, just like putting making tracks.

Just we don't normally talk about shows in front of other shows, but last night when we did Dadlands, Thank you. I'd sunk a nasty 30 foot cornhole shot while fireworks from the nearby Angel Stadium boomed in the sky. I've been awake for 40 hours.

Coursing with pure sports adrenaline. I'm feeling okay. I'm pretty even keeled. I'm going to be the level head of the show. I'm so happy to be here, Sacramento. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you. We've all...

We've all traveled here to get this beautiful building. I say we make the most of it. I say, I want to say yesterday, while we did travel most of today, yesterday we had kind of a day off from travel. We performed last night, but we didn't have to do anything. We were in Anaheim and I'm kind of a Disney guy. So, but I didn't want to go to Disneyland without my family because I don't know.

I don't like it just felt weird. So, but it said we went to downtown Disney, which is like if, if, if Disney made a mall, I don't know if you know about that, but if Disney made a mall, it'd be called downtown Disney. They got one over in Florida too. And it's Disney that away that away, you know, yonder about as far from here as physically possible in the continental u.s. But it's guys called Disney Springs to my idea but we Travis was was indulging me and he let me walk from

downtown Disney into the Just the courtyard of the Grand Californian Hotel. Yeah, and it took some, Justin was like, I wanna go in there, but I don't think we're allowed to. No, of course not. And I was like, it's not a ride, it's a hotel. We can walk in, and you can just walk in, but then to return to Disney Springs,

you have to go through security. And I said, I don't wanna fuck it, it's a whole thing. It's a whole fucking production. And guys, I don't know what it is about my brain. I Hate taking my stuff out of my pockets. I I hate it. That's my stuff and I have the pockets of a boy, you know, I have the pockets Fucking Tom Sawyer, I got like a bullfrog and some jacks and a pocket knife, you know?

And so I go in and I'm like, we did walk around and it was beautiful. And I'm glad my brother encouraged me. But then as I'm going back through, I have to empty my pockets. And this guard for this at Disney World is looking at the dish and he looks at my vape. And he says, and this is what he says

It's important to know It is a weed vape. It's a what it is important to know that Okay, there's different kinds of vape. Yeah, man. It's my we vape. Stink vape Extra oxygen vape. Yeah Nutrient vape. Yeah olive oil so this this

Disney cop looks at me and says What's in that? Now sir, I am Not a lawyer and I am 100 certain you are not within your legal rights to ask me what is it? No question at all. He didn't get a briefing that morning like okay pal What's it up if someone comes through with the green stuff? We've had a problem with people trying to smuggle kush through. Yeah. Yeah. No you have it

But this guy has a goofy's got the drug test coming up and he's got a weak will But this guy asked me- Goofy's got the drug test coming up and he's got a weak will. This man, Travis was with me so he could testify this. This man asked what's in this. And he might as well have looked at me and said, Say nicotine as loud as you can right now. Hey, hey Husky boy, say the word nicotine as loud as you can. Because that's what I did. Of course.

Sir, sir, do you, there are three actual police officers five feet from this man. This Disney cop is trying to make me go down for possession. No, thank you. It's nicotine, sir. And as we're leaving, I said, Travis, good news. I bought you some mallard bites at the world of Disney

because he loves Darkwing Duck. I do. And then he said, I got some goofy sour balls for Griffin. And then I said, I also bought Griffin goofy sour balls. And it was like an Henry story. I know, we both bought you goofy sour balls. I got candy, Griffin got two candy, Justin got no candy. Well, the irony.

Justin did, okay, backstage, Travis was like, hey bro, I hooked you up, I got you candy. The irony! Justin did, okay, backstage Travis was like, hey bro, I hooked you up, I got you goofy sour balls. Which went away for a while, which is fucking crazy. But then Justin was like, I got you some too, but I had to leave them behind in Anaheim. Hey. How fucking military grade is the packing you're doing where a little package of goofy sour balls

like broke the spatial bank a little bit? Okay, I was trying to spare your feelings. If you want the truth, we had to leave at 6.45 a.m. and at 6.30 a.m. while I was packing, I thought, fuck Grif. Wait, so it was punitive? No, it's like- What did I do, man? No, it's like, what did I do man? No, it's like I'm packing, it's like early, like can you dim the lights like really really low, like make them kind of low, like lower, just dim it like-

These people here in the audience don't know what morning looks like. It's like a morning, it's like a morning, right? Justin can't be mean to me if people are watching, so- So no, it's like dark, right? So morning's like, oh I'm just waking up and then I like see the, I'm packing, like I'm packing my things and I'm getting it all together. And then you see my small balls pouch. Small ball sack. And I think, I think, fuck Griffin. That's what I thought.

And you put them, you threw them in the garbage can instead of throwing them to me? I left them as a nice tip. I thought unopened, five bucks and some good-sie, you sour balls? You do worse than that. Sure. You do worse than that. Do you want me to call the hotel

and see if they'll mail them to you? Yeah, please. Yeah, you got it, buddy. My brother has legal property there, it is his legal property. My brother left his sour balls! Not the brother that was in the room! A different brother!

Those were intended for the younger brother, though. If you could ship them to the older brother, so then he could ship them to the younger brother so that everything will be fixed I'm never seeing I'm never seeing those sour balls. This is an advice show Believe it or not and this is our first question from you the people of Sacramento No, I need to jump back real. Yeah, so I gave Griffin the bag of goofy sour balls Yeah, Griffin at that point completely unaware Justin had bag of goofy sour balls. Griffin at that point, completely unaware Justin had also bought goofy sour balls.

And I wasn't gonna narc. And then Justin voluntarily said, I also got you a bag of goofy sour balls, but I had to leave them behind because they didn't fit in my suitcase. Amanda, will you please call the hotel? Don't, it's not fucking worth it. I need an update.

And Paul, will you keep me updated? There were Amanda if it may even helps Amanda if it helps to raise the stakes there were several bags of unopened candy in the pile. It was a general. Yeah. So if you just see if they could track down the unopened candy, I don't know how far it is from here to Anaheim, but I'll try to swing back by there tomorrow morning. I'm waiting to make a special stop. Swoop around. Let's do a question or I'll die. What? What should what should I do about my giant tortoises explicit love making to my kids? Turtle shaped sandbox.

Important to note they are very much in love. And that's from Sex Ed in Sacramento. I would ask if you're here, but I think you're literally right in front of us. A large stone's throw away from my human body right now. That wasn't the sound of laughter, that was the sound of someone realizing they're about to have a very surreal evening. I like the phrasing of this where the question is, how do I stop my giant tortoises' explicit love making to my child's turtle shaped sandbox, but rather what do I do about it?

And thank you for leaving open, like maybe the answer isn't find a way to stop it. I don't know how to make a turtle less horny. Or make a turtle sandbox less sexy. Less sexy, yeah yeah we used to have this exact sandbox I think most people did and Griffin would fuck it he was 14 and exploring his body he had things to learn about love. Frankly, the apple pie franchise was out of ideas. American pie, fuck!

It worked, the bit played. It was like a six out of five, it could have done a lot better. Hey, maybe you could convince the kids that that's how turtles keep their nails trimmed. I know a lot of nature's animals have to rely on those sorts of activity, like scratching or what have you I think you could do I think you could get away with that just from them the motion that the turtle makes while the lovemaking happens

How would you describe that um? I mean if you know what's happening Like it's very obvious what's happening if you don't you could just be like oh He's doing some turtle pull-ups or whatever I turn up pro ups, but the sound that they make is you can't you can't call that anything other than an Orgasm an orgasm. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you could find smaller versions of the turtle sandbox and after a while set them out out around that and be like, they made babies. Yeah, that's how.

Could you? See, it's not just sex for pleasure. They needed babies for some reason. Could you find an extremely tiny toy turtle to hump your turtle while your turtle's humping the giant toy turtle? And explain that's how the universe exists. It's turtles fucking all the way down.

Yeah, yeah. That's a very, that's a really good joke, Travis. I do wanna just make space for what Justin said. You obviously saw an opportunity to say something funny there and you sprung on it and I get that because we're in a live environment and we wanna dazzle Sacramento tonight. But what Justin said was so patently fucking bonkers.

Especially when the question is, what do I do about it? I assume because your children might observe the turtle, the tortoise having sex with the turtle. There is no prox. Hold on, Justin, you're my mate. No, you've spoken, Juice. And so Justin's suggestion is maybe pull it to an even more abstract explanation

you might have to make to your children by making it a threesome. Yeah. Making it a turtle-based Eiffel Tower scenario. Yeah. It's one of those Tower of Hanoi puzzles where you have to move the turtles without putting a bigger turtle on a smaller turtle. I didn't see the... when they said what do I do about it, I didn't see the problem, so I didn't know what I was trying to fix.

Oh. You're trying to spice it up in case the turtle at Sandbox Lovemaking gets bored. It sounded like they just wanted to be present and involved and supportive so that I don't know Well, then you just need to make sure you have some power bars and Gatorade nearby because these are turtles So I'm assuming it takes a long time to get it. Travis. Oh, yeah, they can't have power bars. They're turtles. They gotta eat pizza Should know better I have a sleep test coming up and I've been told to bring things with me that make me comfortable. However, I like quite a bit of weight on me for my anxiety. For me, that means seven blankets. Would it be weird if I brought in seven blankets to sleep for my sleep test?

That's from Sleepless in Sacramento. Are you here? All right. That was, we've heard a lot of different sounds people have used to represent their presence, but not that one before. That was cool. You know, sometimes you're sitting there thinking,

I know what sound I'm going to make. I've got it all cocked and ready to go. And then the moment comes and you open your mouth and a different sound comes out and we've all been there. And I understand it. It's valid and relatable. When it happens to us, there's usually a microphone in front of us.

So I guess my question is how do you transport seven blankets without it being absolutely clown shoes? Cause I can't figure it out. Even if they're all rolled up cigar tight, that's seven blankets. Like you are definitely gonna have, there's gonna be a moment where it's gonna have to be like, I've got more in the car or can you help me with these?

Or yeah, all seven, that's right. Or you wear them like seven big superhero capes at the same time. Yeah, that's the only thing I can think is you wear them and walk into the sleep clinic like the Baba Yaga, like. I'm ready for my test. I bet though that if you're a sleep doctor and someone comes in with seven blankets and you're like, oh, that's easy Okay, great. Thanks for making the diagnosis of the problem. So straightforward. Yeah

That's too many Easy that's why we do these tests guys We saved another life everybody high five sevens too many. That's why we do the tests. Start walking it back. Try six for a while, let's see if five works. Till eventually you're down to one. You can roll up to the sleep laboratory with your seven blankets and say, I gotta sleep.

And the only way I can sleep is with these seven blankets and this giant cardboard standee of Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And then they'll be like, that's fucking wild. And you're like, that's right. That's a good point. Sorry, Kiedis, you're out. Just the seven blankets.

So you made a sacrifice and then they show you're, you demonstrated that you're flexible. Yeah. I have, I need to do a sleep study soon. And I think it's the wildest shit in the world to be like, I'm having trouble sleeping. Okay, great. Come in to a place that isn't your bedroom.

Yeah. And let some strangers watch you fall asleep. Yeah. Which must be the optimum conditions, surely. And then we'll try to figure out if there's a problem. Yeah. Yeah, man. There might be a problem in that I'm in hell you could cloak You could cloak some in your apparel. Maybe you have a particularly voluminous scarf and you're like

Scott and Chilean here. I'm gonna oh no, it's a blanket. Just kidding There was it out to one of the blankets or you've got a belt. You're like, wow, I love your sash. Oh, thank you It's a blanket. It's another blanket I bought. Seven though, Juice. Seven. Seven, yeah. That only got me to two and then I ran out.

Can you bring in three blankets? That's in my mind, the maximum normal amount of blankets. And then you go and then you get in the bed and you're like, oh shit, I forgot something in in my car and you take one of the blankets out but then you come back in with three more blankets just sort of very... That's only five keep going. Well then you're gonna do another trip another round trip like shit. And then you gotta take the fox across and leave the grain no take the chicken bring the grain back in.

My friend who said in the question I'm gonna ask a question and then just one word answer, just yell it out. Are you going to need other things besides the seven blankets? Yeah. Okay, great. Okay, no, wait, no, no, no. Just, I just need one more answer. Just give me a number of how many other things you're going to need.

Eight. Sorry, if you could say the number again. Three. Three. Three. Okay, someone got really excited about eight. I just yelled the number eight. Yeah, three in addition to the seven sleep blankets. Okay.

All right, so I notably do have seven sleep horcruxes that I need to fall asleep. Please, please, Justin Talisman. Right, so as we know- Unless, have you put portions of your soul in your sleep talismans by murdering people? I don't think so. I don't think your white noise machine contains a little juice in it. I bet yeah, they I have my sleep Headphones go around there. I got my two sleep bracers that keep my carpal tunnel in check And then I got my special square pillow and then my sleepy squeezing pillow. Yeah That's five, I think.

Right, and then I have the weighted blanket, and then I have my cold blanket. The cold, the weighted blanket I don't use all the time, because that's only when it's not too hot. Cool. Awesome. So how does that relate to our current question? You asked, no, you said how many other items? Well, okay. Three, great.

Let me tell you about the shit I need. I'll explain it if you give me a fucking second I Was going not I did I was in a judge not less you be judge situation cuz seven items of any sort Yeah, whatever. Yeah, but when you're pushing the max up to ten items, then it's harder for me to sort of grant clemency Yeah, okay now hold on. Yeah Within that though, I think is the solution because at least three of those items, you're gonna bundle up in a blanket each

and tie to a stick. Like a bendle stick. Oh, bendle, bendle. And you're gonna come in with those and the blankets at that point, oh, who knows if they're blankets? Well, as long as I got them, I might as well use them. So then you're only bringing in four blankets,

but we can go either further by taking one blanket into another blanket and bundling that one up. Oh, now you're only bringing in five things and admittedly five bendel sticks, which- Which is a lot. Anyone will tell you that's too many bendel sticks. You should also call ahead and say,

how many blankets do you all have there? And they'll say, we have blankets. And you say, you did not hear me. That's not the question I asked. So recently, I was doing some online research, by which I mean reading the entire Wikipedia entry for Entourage. Oh dear.

And I had some fascinating revelations that I would like to share with you boys in a segment called Trav Talks. Sorry, I have to get my microphone. Oh yeah, man. Oh shit, Trav, you look so cool right now. I have to get my microphone. Hey Trav, wait.

Fuck yeah, man. Wait. Trav, Trav, Trav, wait. I'm super confused, Trav, because you put in your kick-ass microphone, and then you picked up the microphone off the table. Well, the microphone I've just put on my ear isn't connected to anything. Okay. But it gives me a sense of gravitas that I need to present this important finding.

Yeah, man, you look gravitas as hell right now, dude. Might as well call it Travatas. Yeah, dude, for sure. We, hello Sacramento. We've never stood. Can I put my feet on your chair or is that not? Can we have your chair? Fuck yeah, dude.

My name is Travis McRoy and I am an entourage scholar. Let's get it really yucky juice. Yeah, man. I've put a lot of work into the findings I'm excited to present to you today and a Trav Talk that I have titled, a perfectly normal and reasonable fan theory about Entourage regarding the creation

of all things within the multiverse. Jesus Christ, Trav. Now I'm sure all of you are familiar with Entourage. A show that went off the air 50 years ago. But in case you are not, this is the cast of Entourage, the main characters. If we can go to the next slide, please. We have going-

This show is called Cancelled Guys, the TV show. It's just a bunch of problematic dudes. Here, Turtle. Wait, is that the turtle that was- Yeah. Freaking your sandbox? We have Turtle. In the middle there is Vince.

He's a movie star. And he's brought his boys with him as well as his agent Ari. So we have Turtle, Ari, Vince, E, and Johnny Drama. Yeah, yes. We all know this. We know them. We know these.

Now what you might not know is that it's based on, if we can go to the next slide, the life of Mark Wahlberg and his real life friends. Right. And at some point, there's differing stories, but the claim is one of them said, our lives are so interesting, we should make a TV show about it.

So they created the fictionalized version of Mark Wahlberg's life in entourage. You're telling everyone stuff they already know, man. But then, here's where the fan theory begins. I would also say, by the way, the president in this group that thought that their lives were interesting enough to make a TV show about it, history has proven them to be right. That's true.

Thank you. Then, after the eight seasons of the show completed. Sounds pretty interesting to me, Draft. They made a movie about it. Right. At the end of that movie, the character Billy Walsh turns to our main characters and says, we should make like a TV show or a movie about your lives.

Can we go to the next slide, please? So, okay. We can infer from this that the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe, which then would lead to the creation of a third sub-universe. Okay, so tell me about this here, Travis. Who are these guys? I'd love to meet them.

Well, this is the result of Googling group of four white men. I noticed you've deep-ivined the third generation. A little streamlining, Griffin. You've strewn out some of the weeds. The Gen Z doesn't need a bunch of boobers hanging around. Yeah. Now, from this, me and the other Entrez scholars

have developed two theories. I'm going to start with the first one. This isn't the one I ascribe to, but if you could show the next slide, Paul. We have the turtle all the way down theory. Our second turtle all the way down theory. Unbelievable. Now, it would be foolish of us to believe that the Mark Wahlberg universe is the prime universe.

We have no indication of that. Oh shit, Trav. We are right now living within the multiverse of Entourage. Wait, wait. That there was a universe above us that said, your lives are so interesting, we should make a TV show about it, which was then Mark Wahlberg's life. And then up and up and up, it's turtle all the way down. Hey, I'm having a existential moment right now that I was not ready to wrangle on stage tonight.

I know, Griffin. It blew my mind as well. I've been asleep for a week and a half. Awake? Oh my God. Anyways, now we're gonna talk about the second theory, the one that I believe in. If we can go to the next slide.

Wait, why did you come up with another one after that? This is the Ari Boros theory. Okay. Or there's always an entourage, there's always a show, there's always an Aquaman movie. They actually made a fucking Aquaman movie. They did, and a telling of the great Gatsby directed by Martin Scorsese instead of Baz Luhrmann,

which it was in our universe. Holy shit, dude. Yes, yeah, dude. So, in this theory, it is that it all feeds back constantly, and it is the power of the universes that retroactively created everything. Then wait, is the entourage we all watched and fucking loved on TV like the nexus of this?

No, no, no. It's part of a continuum. It's part of a continuum. Right. It's all the nexus. It's all not the nexus. I was being very- So, but here is- this is the issue that I have with this theory, Travis, compared to

the last one. Okay. The last one makes sense to me because even if we cannot see an origin or an end point, we can assume logically that there is one, right? Yes. With this theory, it is predicated on some sort of inciting action that started the momentum of the universe.

Thank you for asking Justin. At some point, God and his friends said, our lives are so interesting. We should make a show about it. And it kicked off this whole cycle. So, Ari Boros' theory has to exist within a monotheistic religious worldview? Holy shit, wait a minute. Now, it doesn't have to be monotheistic.

You said God singular. He said God singular, no. It doesn't have to be You said God singular he said God singular it could have been Zeus it could have been any God we know But this theory also would lead us to believe that even though the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe Yeah, that because this is a cycle eventually the existence of the TV show entourage Yeah, that because this is a cycle eventually the existence of the TV show entourage Also leads to the existence of our universe. That's great stuff Travis. I also love how you've accidentally created a very powerful Depressive mantra in a lifestyle is a terrible. Yeah Yeah, what's the point?

What's the point in a life loop of on that we loop of entourage that we are all trapped in, Griffin. I think it speaks for itself. A lifestyle is a terrible. Thank you for joining me for tonight's Trav Talk. Thank you so much. Woo! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Travis, I learned so freaking much off of that one, dude. Normally I don't feel like I learned anything. Yeah. I don't know why you had to say the second part. Sorry, you're right. Could have just stopped after I learned so much, but not your usual shit.

I've been backpacking more often, and here in California, IA, we have black bears. If one gets too close, I was taught to yell, hey bear, to scare it away. But you could yell anything at a bear. Hey bear. They don't a bear. Hey bear. They don't speak English. Hey bear has long been used

cause it's easy to remember. What are some other things I could yell at to scare a bear away? That's from bearing it in the bay. Are you still here, I hope? Hey bear! Yeah. All right.

Nice. Hey, can I just say, if I was a bear, that would have scared the shit out of me. Good job. Is it possible that the reason hey bear is so effective, that in that moment, the thing that's scaring the bear is that they're like, oh no, I've met this person before

and I can't remember them, but they know who I am. Oh God. God, this is so awkward. I need to leave. Or you've introduced it to a level of self-awareness that maybe it has never possessed in the wild of like Oh shit You're right. I'm a bear. That's so cool. I've never thought about you something else other than a bear I've never thought about that you are smaller than I am dude. I gotta go away and think about this watch some entourage So I do have to call call into question the logic of, we use hey bear because it's easy to remember.

Is the argument there that you'll be confronted with a bear and be like, oh fuck. Why, oh shit. I need to yell something. I gotta yell something, what is it? It's made of honey! Fuck! No. Fuck, that's not what I shoulda yelled. It is not a wizard with a riddle for you.

How often have you been confronted by a bear that you can say that with such confidence? I mean, there's one of the three of us who has been confronted by a bear on this stage tonight, and he is sitting on stage right, house left. Yes, and when that happened, I did not yell. I did? No, I didn't. I just walked briskly back to my car and drove away, actually. Cool.

I didn't yell anything. What if you yelled, I'm a bigger bear? They're not stupid. Scary, scary, no? They're not stupid, man. They'll get angry at you for that. They're not dumb. Did you make a conscious choice not to yell

because you were like, I don't want to piss this thing off. What? I mean, yelling like in what, to what end? You know what I mean? Like I guess I was scared, but I was more thinking like, I'm going to leave before he notices me. You just do bear stuff. I like that in Griffin's mind,

when Justin was confronted with a bear in real life, Justin was like, hmm, better calmly think through my approach to this situation. Guys, I am the same human being that had just gotten out of his car to see if that was indeed a bear, okay? Logic was off the menu. I was just thinking and acting, no just doing. I'm saying bears can't yell.

Thank you. So you're doing something that they've never seen before. That's the power of yelling. If a big huge alien showed up and you're like what's that thing and then it did some sort of telepathic scream you'd be like what the fuck was that? Yeah I would get branches in each hand and spin around as I scream. They'd be like wow that would be really something. You could scream and start juggling. Yeah. A bear might have a heart attack Yeah, I pull out your phone turn on any YouTube video Check this shit out bear pull out your phone and use it to predict the weather. Oh

Shit. Oh shit. That bears not gonna mess with you anymore. You can pull away and show it a picture of other sexy bears That's right bear. Spare me. I will provide you with more Earth sign pornography than your mind can handle. This bear's name is Yogi and he's free and he's got a necktie and a hat. And you can be like Yogi too. But then the bear has to deal with the idea of assimilating to human culture. Yeah, sure. And a bear's like, no, I am wild and free.

I have no necktie, but I have my freedom. My family has- That's what bears sound like, right? Yes. Something like that. Okay, I love my food spicy. At home, I can scove it up to my heart's content. That's, okay, yeah, I like that, actually.

Scove it up. But when I content. That's okay. Yeah, I like that. Actually scoop it up. But when I dine in at restaurants, though, I struggle to communicate the extent to which I want them to sell me their spiciest potions. Some places have if you said sell me your spiciest potions, I bet they'd want

to hurt you pretty bad. Some places have a special safe word like tie-hot But even then I usually have to do a round of confirming I know what I'm asking for is there a way I can deliver my order such that I don't have to justify my palette So often that's from bound by Buffalo wild desire. Are you here? Hell yeah The voice of a true spicy food enthusiast! If there was anything...

This is very contrary to my way of walking through the world because if there was anything about me that was extreme, to an extent where people had to be like, are you sure? I would want to do that every time. Like I would definitely want to go through the whole rigmarole of saying, no, I'm a super tough guy. Like you've seen on TV.

I thought you were saying you're on a different walk because if any of us eat food that's too spicy, our tummies just sort of crumble and disintegrate and we double over in pain instantaneously. That is a huge issue for us genetically. That's true, Griffin. I think that there is a level of description that you could make in your order, making it clear that you know it's a ridiculous choice to do this. If you're like, I want these, like what, I want this thing to be the stupidest hot you've got, like the amount that you wouldn't safely give a person.

And they're like, oh, okay. I can see that word that, okay, I said at first that would be fun, but like, I think it might eventually get annoying because you feel like you're trying to like, justify to people like, it's not a stunt. It's just how you like your food. Yeah. Super hot. Hold on, wait.

Is it kind of a stunt? A little bit. Yeah. God, I love our listeners. One time, while at a Buffalo Wild Wings, they had a Blazin' Hot Wings challenge. Yes! And I was like, I think 20, 21 years old,

and I was with my older brother who's- Prime dipshit eating age. I was with my older brother whose respect I'm always chasing. And so I did the Blazin' Hot Wings challenge. He's gonna get it someday, folks, I'm sure. Workin' there. And I finished, I did it, I achieved it.

And while eating those hot wings, my toes went numb. Yeah, yeah. And everything hurt real bad. You were so sick. And I think I did long lasting damage. And I guess what I'm saying is, if you're doing this to earn Justin's respect, it's not worth it. It's not worth it.

I sank a 30-foot cornhole shot while Angel Stadium fireworks went off next door. Justin gave me fucking nothing. Yeah. I wanna keep him working for it. I'm worried if I give them my approval, they'll die. Let me hit you, let me hit you with this. If you're a restaurant and you sell food

that is traditionally pretty spicy, I think you should be allowed to have a special badge that you can give out to only your spiciest customers. Oh, that's good. And that way you show up to a place, you're like, gimme it slop and tie hot, you say. And they say, what? And then you say, please, your hottest food.

And they say, you can't handle that. You just show them your gym badges. Check it out, this says, read the badge, it says, slop and hot. Slop and hot at Doug's Chicken Boneyard. God damn, he doesn't just hand those things out. My apologies, sir. I do think-

So this is like medals for like service, things that you've achieved. Like merit badges. Yeah, they fill out as bars. You know what I mean? And if your rate gets high enough, Admiral Guy Fieri will come to your house personally to decorate you I think every bar should taste like the thing that you ate so you can prove to people like oh, you don't think it's spicy Yeah, like the bar lick my bar like this bar. Tell me my spicy bar like tell me it's not spicy

Do you think though it would be knowing that you have this is almost like you could have a secret identity in that you know you're someone who can handle the heat of the food. But when you order the food, you're like, you know what? I'm going to try something different today. No. Let me get it the spiciest you have it. And they're like, what? No way.

And you're like, no, I, yeah. It just seems like they would have the opposite effect. This is the opposite effect. Yeah. But I think that they said they don't want wanna do what you just said they should do. But I think that what you're missing out on is that the server saying, are you sure, is a compliment. That the heat that you can take it is unbelievable to them.

Hey, has anybody ever taken it past your limit to where you said, oh, no, thank you? Okay. The way, the tone was- No, that was not the same person. No, oh, no thank you. Okay. The way, the tone was- No, that was not the same person. No, someone completely silent. That wasn't a general audience question. We don't need to put anyone on blast.

By a round of applause, if you ever eaten some food that's too spicy. Hey. Okay, has anybody ever eaten something that couldn't have used more salt? All right, this is a weird segment. Do y'all like ice cream? Okay, we got posters out in the lobby.

Make sure you grab one of them by Fan Day Arts. They're fantastic. Use the restroom. Buy one of these beautiful coins. All proceeds go to the Sacramento Food Bank and Family Services. Send in your questions for the second half of the show. We'll put instructions on the screen on how to do that.

And we'll be back in a little bit after intermission. Be right back. Bye. Bye. Bye. ["It's Better With You"] Cats. Despite being in human beings lives for hundreds, maybe thousands of years,

we still know almost nothing about them. Where do they come from? Why are they like that? How do they do the things that they do? Literally, no one knows. But the one thing that we do know about cats is that they love Small's Cat Food. That's why we're so excited to have, sponsoring us this week, Small's Cat Food. Small's Cat Food is

protein pack recipes made with preservative free ingredients you'd find in your fridge and it's delivered right to your door. That's why cats.com which is like the website that cats go to, named Smalls their best overall cat food. After switching to Smalls 88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements and that's a big deal. If you love your pets the way that I love my pets, you know you want to do everything you can to keep them healthy, keep them happy, and keep them going. And the team at Smalls is so confident your cat will love their product that you can try it risk-free. That means they will refund you if your cat won't eat their food, but I don't think that will be a problem because it's delicious and

nutritious. So for a limited time only because you are my brother, my brother and me listener, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to Smalls.com slash my brother. That's 60% off when you head over to Smalls.com S-M-A-L-L-S dot com slash my brother plus free shipping. Again, that's Smalls.com slash my brother plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash my brother also want to take a quick second to tell you about our upcoming shows and stuff next up we're gonna be in Atlanta and we're doing Taz

versus Popeye which is gonna be absolutely silly and wild energy off the charts probably some of the dumbest stuff we've ever done, and you're not going to want to miss it. We're also going to be doing My Brother, My Brother and Me, and we'll be at Dragon Con. Coming up, we're going to also be in Texas, Utah, and California. All Taz shows for the rest of the year will be Taz versus. Tickets for all those shows are on sale now. More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly slash McRoy Tours.

We also have a bunch of new merch, so go check that out, McRoyMerch.com, and go to bit.ly slash McRoy Tours for all the ticket links and information with our upcoming live shows. And now, back to the show. No, ah, fuck. You gotta get up a little earlier to beat this fast ass.

I love it when you say that, Griffin. I say that shit all the time. I'm so fast in my life for real. Do do do do do do do do do do! Whoa! Whoa! This is so embarrassing when this happens during the podcast.

Yeah, that was a shriek of terror, by the way, not a scream of excitement. Haunted Doll Watch is here, it's happening now. These things are still out there on the Electronic Bay and they got ghosts inside of them and there's nothing you can do about it. And people are still out there selling them and eBay won't stop them, even though people

are getting hurt. Because they can just make a new account pretty easy on eBay, no problem. All right, let's get started, Paul. First up. That's cool. What? Awesome.

What? Yeah, man. A double. It's got a bonus. It's like how sometimes you buy a He-Man action figure and he would have a battle cat like with him. But the second part of that, I know what all those words mean individually. Yeah

But together created a strange word salad that I have one is meet Lidalia. So I don't I want you to meet Lidalia this is This is that the beginning of listing Fuck whispers in the night no one in sight Oh, fuck. Whispers in the night, no one in sight. Secrets of the dead, no lies are said. The shadows on the walls seek to tell us all. The future be foretold to the living soul.

What? I don't know. It's just that part rhymes, so I assume there was a- Was that from the website? For a second, I thought you had made it up after seeing LaTalia. I thought so, too. You're reading it off a Google document, but now I'm realizing you probably just copied the eBay copy to a Google document.

You weren't moved by... I thought Justin... Travis and I both looked over at your computer and thought you wrote a little scary doll song. Paul, did you capture the part of the website that has that text? Okay. So, no, it's just on the website. We believe him, Paul. You don't have to prove it. Paul, actually, can you go back to the first image of the listing? Because I want to read the title. Paul, they're right. I shouldn't have distracted you, Paul. You don't have to prove it. Actually, can you go back to the first image of the listing? Because I want to read Paul. They're right. I shouldn't have distracted you.

Ponydoll Lydellia appears with her ghost cat twigs. See video. Yeah. Eyes move. OMG. We're going to get there. Don't worry. Meet Lydellia.

She's the most active spiritual porter we've ever had the pleasure of offering This also this shot though makes it look like a still from a scene in a movie where a guy is remembering his dead wife Yeah, she's like, oh give the camera. There's a thousand yard stare happening Her Ladellia was a young woman who lived in the 1700s. Her father was a filthy rich railroad tycoon Let promise me we'll be together forever, Bill. One of the most notable 1700s railroad tycoons, her father was a filthy rich one and after his death- Which one?

Lydelia inherited his entire fortune since she was his only child. She lived in a lavish gigantic mansion and wore clothing made from the finest materials available at the time. Wait, hold on. In the 1700s? Yeah, it's him. And were there railroad tycoons in the 1700s? Nah, but what can you do? Ladele was. Except I'm not a history expert.

I mentioned that earlier. Quite. So, OK, she was born in 1799. Yeah. And then Ladele was. I'm going to get into railroad. That doesn't quite sit right. Okay, she was born in 1799. Yeah. And then, right. Okay. Lidelia was-

I'm gonna get in the railroad. Lidelia was extremely beautiful, but somewhat aloof. She fell above most of the men who begged for her hand in marriage. That's an aloof stare right there, I see it. Yeah. That is until she met Zane. Really, Zane?

Zane was not rich, but he made up for it in his looks He was drop-dead gorgeous with wavy black hair and blue eyes The woman in the small town swooned over him and dreamed of having him for a husband, but he only loved one girl Ladeleia I I could You could strain angel hair pasta with those eyelashes, man. They courted for a very short time until he asked her to marry him. She pretended to quote, have to think about it,

but she was dying to say yes. How do you know this story? Did LaDelia tell you this? Yes. Is it word for word from her mouth? So I pretended to have to think about it. I know, coquettish. Zane left the next day after the proposal to travel

to another town for work. On the way back, his carriage left the road. He struck a tree and went into a deep gorge. It was killed instantly. Upon hearing the news of her beloved Zane, LaDelia took her own life by hanging herself from a lavish balcony adorned in gold. And her fortune went to, guessed it her cat twigs

Hold on Latelia dwells in the really include a picture of a cat. It's so cool that this 1700s Tease had a cat that is also now featured in stock images all across the internet. Can I tell you, I have lived my life making a number of choices that lead me to believe that if there was a story of a young woman dying and leaving a huge fortune to a cat, I would know about it already. Yes, there would have been a Disney Channel original movie on this subject, right?

Lydelia's eyes sparkle with a spiritual wisdom and her facial expressions change Orbs can be seen around her often. She's always fucking orbs man. Yeah, man. They never do cubes or something. Yeah, check out my cones She often moves things frequently, but is primarily a helping spirit her cat twigs often manifests with her He is a large orange cat you may hear him meowing at times. It's so fucked It'll be like every once a while. There's a slight glimmer of light and maybe a ghost cat Not pictures like such a huge disparity between the two also does the cat manifest at regular cat size well She's doll size because that that's gotta freak her bean out real hard. Paul can we see?

Like he's the size of a jungle cat now. Yeah. Paul I'd love to, um, if we could watch the video and this is, we've never done this on haunted doll watch and have video confirmed evidence of haunted dolls. Here we go. Okay. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ Oh I Think that okay. I mean it's just like this one's haunted so I don't know what you guys You were sorry can I do you can I just say guys you were pretty brave when you were laughing about it a second ago

Um, I don't know why that now that you see that it is indeed haunted as you were promised The trailer for Megan 2.0 makes it look way less interesting than the first one Why did you think we needed to see Gar fucking real-life Garfield again You guys talking shit about with Delia let her let's meet our next incredible haunted doll our next incredible haunted doll. Heather is that rare doll that wanted to have it all. Let's beat her. I'm so excited for the Sally McBeal reboot. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, what she got there? Oh, she has her own spectrometer. That's rad, man. Okay, listen. I rarely include the ones with death stories unless they're pretty funny. Heather is the positive spirit of a 16 year old girl. Her lifespan was from 1999 to 2015. Holy shit. When I asked how she died, she said, quote, I ate peanuts by mistake. They were in ramen noodles. Hey, I hope she doesn't blame herself, because that's not her fault.

She said she was at a restaurant when she ate them. It's so insane for them to conjure a new ghost. It's so fucked up in here. And show them in that outfit. Imagine being a 16 year old girl who died in 2015, and then you wake up an adult and you're wearing that shit. No way, man You can change my clothes, right Barbara right Heather

Inhabited this vessel in 2015. That's the year she died So it's good to know she didn't spin a year just like spinning around the globe I was just ghost backpacking around Europe. I took a gap year. Heather lived in Arkansas with her mom and dad. She had an older sister named Haley who was 17 years old. They had a dog named Victor. Heather said they were really close family and a happy household.

Heather was a sophomore in high school. She liked school and her favorite subject was quote science. I asked Heather what she like her future family know about her. She replied quote, I am really good at reading people's mannerisms. science. I asked Heather what she, like her future family, know about her. She replied, quote, I am really good at reading people's mannerisms. I am really good at taking bar exam questions. I asked if she wanted to be a lawyer and she said, yes, I studied pre-law on my own. She also said I am good at poker. Okay, can I just say,

how fucking incredible would it be you show up to your friend's weekly poker game, you pull Heather out, you sit her on the table, she's facing everybody, you've worked out a system with her, where she's gonna clue you in, and also, you're taking the bar exam at the same time. Right.

If she makes two orbs, it means you can raise. Three orbs means fold. Can I also, I would like to point out that if this spirit died in 2015, the idea of asking her, what would you like your future family to know? And not, what would you like me to tell your current existing family? Yeah, it's a good point.

We could pass along, as along as those are passing along messages You ever you want to tell them what cool cool cool. Anyway, I'm going to sell you on eBay now Heather's favorites here summer favorites favorite hobby. I like reading pre-law books favorite food apples favorite sit What if it was peanuts? I? Know bitter irony, huh? Can't fucking help myself. Favorite food, apples. Favorite scent, apples. What are pre-law books? She gets so hungry.

She's like, ooh, apples. I smell them and now I'm gonna eat them. Her favorite color is red, favorite animal's tiger. That's her hair. She would prefer to sleep in her owner's bedroom at night, but not in the bed. I asked what she liked to do in her new home, and her reply was, I wanna read pre-law books.

She said she's happy reading off the computer if there are no books available. Can I just say, Heather, I have bad news for you. You're dead. So worrying about pre-anything is kind of unimportant. Yeah. Yeah. You're not gonna get to law. Unless. Unless.

Oh shit. No, there isn't. No, a poker playing ghost lawyer? Yeah. Yes, please. I'd watch that. I'm Tracy, by the way, a seasoned paranormal investigator,

a clairvoyant and an empath. I recently started collecting haunted dolls It makes you wonder what she was doing before she started doing that doesn't it? It's such a weird thing that she loves doll ghosts But didn't dip into collecting them until just recently this led me to begin collecting haunted dolls and objects Take them home to investigate and then adopting them out Okay, let's move on can we talk about our last doll, Paul, Paul, the last doll,

Paul, Paul doll, Paul the doll. Oh, shit. Huh. Yeah. I don't know if we want to fuck with possessed demonic aggressive video of scratches paranormal, man. Yeah, well, if you think- I like that they put paranormal at the end of that list.

Yeah. As if it's like, hey, in case it wasn't clear, This is a normal- this isn't normal. This is a normal demonic possessed aggressive video. Are you rea- you think you don't want him now, but wait till you feast your eyes on this bad boy. Oh! Pfft!

Hahahaha! Oh! Aaaaaaah! Oh! Oh! It's- it's- it's Kai Youssef-er! Hahahaha! Oh! Oh! It's Kai Ussifer. Excellent.

Thanks. Excellent. I'm very tickled by the price because it is $56.66. So they wanted to get 666 in there, but also $50 Travis if you can see it's 15% off it used to be 6666 the number number of the turbo beast Or four payments on Klarna Let's get oh no you drove a little too far. Hell is 666.

This is Doug's house. It's 6666. Easy mistake to make. Buyer chickened out. I'm eager to sell him, so please make a reasonable offer and it will be accepted and shipped ASAP. There's no sense of scale to this image. He could be seven and a half feet tall.

Hello? Listing? sense of scale to this image he could be seven and a half feet tall hello listen it's giving me such strong you just knocked on his door and he's like I told you I'm busy I just is the fiction of it that they saw this happen like is that the fiction okay the listing has been updated with a video those big fucking feet I like him but It's got pinchable cheeks and a powerful crucifix. Both, but at the moment a photo was uploaded that containing both those feet and across it should have been taken down by bots or something. Um, listing updated with video after my husband was scratched. Fuck yeah. It's a spot he cannot reach.

He- What? He files down his nails to nothing. And no, we do not have any cats or dogs at the moment. It could only have been Kenny. Now I don't have the video cause like you don't need that. But like is there- do you have the still image? Is there just a video of him- his scratch?

What? It's like- no, it's her like, she filmed the video and she's like, see, see the ghost. Yeah, I don't wanna look at it. Yeah, you don't. Thanks Paul, that's plenty thanks. Can I just say. But there's no way he could have reached that himself. He could have reached that spot. They don't have any cats or dogs at the moment.

I mean, that's the truth. Maybe the most powerful. Make that go away, please Paul. Thank you so much. Thank you. That should go in a hall of fame of excuses husbands give to cover up infidelity. Yeah. How'd you get these scratches on your back?

Damn. The haunted doll did it. That's right. I know that I was out of town over the weekend, but it was the doll, honey. I would like to remind you guys that to this point I've not established the name of the doll. Yeah, yeah, no, I took a guess at it. Paul is not to be trusted. He is portraying himself as a man, but he is a demon.

He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates- And puts lipstick stains on my husband's collars. He infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears, and then he drops the temperature in the room. What are we looking at? It's a scientific document griffin what's the diagram are the lines these are his ghost bones oh listen to him again every time you are presented with actual evidence concrete facts like this you get all freaked out like this is science guys oh shit i didn't okay wait i'm reading the the person who wrote this and put this listing of Versailles was the predator

So this makes this makes it are you telling me that this doll? Produces body heat he inflicts scratches on the skin infiltrates your sleep What'd you fucking say to infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears and He infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears, and drops the temperature in the room dramatically when he was present. A passing scent of sulfur is not uncommon as well. He farts all over the place. This dude ripping rotten egg toots left and right. The cross is there to keep him contained?

I want to be here for this photo shoot. You know the photographer at some point had to be like, damn, Paul, we got enough pictures of you with the cross. No, man, trust me. Keep going. Are my feet in it? That's what the people want to see? Yeah, no, your feet are in it, Paul. Promise me your feet. Okay. My feet are in it, Paul. Please use costume. Please use cost-scamp.

Please use cost-random and do not provoke them unless you are an experienced paranormal enthusiast who knows how to protect themselves. At this point I think that does describe us. That's true. So thank you. That's your Haunted All Watch for this evening. Thank you very much. Alright folks, we are going to call some people down to the microphone.

You've been kind enough to send us your questions. We will call you down by your name and seat number. The microphone is right here. Hi. Hi, my name is John Kay. Pronoun, see him. Hi, John. John, I'm a health inspector for a living.

People hate seeing me coming. They get nervous. They get sad. How could I lighten the mood? Okay, I just want to be clear. If I am eating at the restaurant, I get very excited to see you coming. I say, woohoo, do it. Get him, John, get him.

That's my hero, John, a hard ass. He's gonna get back there and get him, bad, get him, protect me, John. Wouldn't you rather see him before you start eating at the restaurant? You've just sat down and then the server's like, what do you want to eat? And you're like, I'm going to wait till John's done.

Yeah. I want him to catch him in the act. I want him to come up and be like, Justin, stop. Don't. Oh, you want that like Gordon Ramsay moment of like, shut it down. Shut it down. We can't eat this.

Shut it down. Throw that away. This is garbage. Can I ask John, this must be an immensely uncomfortable position that you have put yourself into. What kind of heat are you usually bringing when someone sees you coming and is clearly in a panic because they live a messy lifestyle?

I'm a very talkative person, so I try to talk them through it as if it's like a surgery or a test. And so I... Pretend. Pret it as if it's like a like a surgery or a test and so I Pretend pretend are you comfortable with role-playing and we're like we're three chefs and we own a restaurant You've just walked in and obviously it's a big spigot actually be ahead of like hospitality and like I'm checking people in I don't want To be a chef. I don't think I could handle that kind of pressure Okay, I think it would bring out the worst in me. I'd rather handle more current.

I'll be DeBeer. And just so you can be- I want to be the district manager, so I'm more at the home office overseeing stuff. Are you present during the inspection? Okay, he's not there. We're ready. He's the lead concierge.

I'm DeBeer and just as a businessman. Okay, go ahead. So hi, my name is John. I'm gonna be inspecting your facility today. As a reminder, this is just a sampling exercise. I'm gonna be inspecting your facility today. Okay. For that, as a reminder, this is just a sampling exercise. I'm only gonna see a portion of your- Oh, fuck you, cousin!

Hey! Hey, don't talk to John like that, cousin! Hey! No, he's here to help us! Sorry, John, go on. It's fine, it's fine. I understand this is very stressful. Hey, you seem nervous!

What's the matter, John? He's nervous because you yelled at him! It's me, Depeh! I'm popping out of this child's Halloween costume! Yeah. We're gonna have to call our district manager, John! Yeah, six, tell him 60 shares. Stop breaking my balls. Hold on.

He's a good one, man. Yeah, this is the business office. Hey, John's here, and we're trying to distract him. Oh, we're fucked! Yeah, man. We're fucked! Not John! Fuck! We're trying to distract him. Oh we're fucked! We're fucked! Not John! Fuck! Wait! Can you, listen, ask, shh, ask him if any,

is he looking at you right now? Ask if anybody knows where he is. Does anybody else know he's here? Just ask. Do you have anyone that'll miss you? Not like that! Fuck! John, you're gonna be sleeping with the fishing! No! Stop it, god damn it, guys.

Okay. There's a special on the menu, it's a John steak. Hey, Travis, I'm legally giving you ownership of the restaurant, I am no longer legally affiliated with it from this point forward. You guys don't even have to. John, we got him. Here's your finder's fee, John, thanks for helping us. John, is there a way where you can do your job without them knowing you've been there doing it? No, there's no way. feed, John. Thanks for helping us. John, is there a way where you can do your job

without them knowing you've been there doing it? No, there's no. Yeah, no, it would have to be some Pink Panther level hijinks, I think. Is that illegal? Is there like health inspector entrapment kind of deal? Yeah, I have to tell them that everything's confidential. So if I show up and just start taking notes

without them knowing, it's gonna violate like violate some confidentiality Well, no, you would have like I tell us some of this stuff you see that You would come in with like a hat box with a camera in it or some some shit and a big mustache That's not part of the surveillance. It would just be fun. Yeah, when you mention stuff to people John They when you mention stuff to people do they have to like fight the urge to try to fix it right then? Oh, they do. All the time. They try to fix it right then. You said, no, I already saw it. It's in my little notebook.

They're like, no, can you take it off? I already fixed it. And I was like, it was here when I got here. Yeah. Have you, and John, you haven't said your full last name, so you still have plausible deniability. I do just want to remind you of that. But have you ever granted clemency to a Ratatouille? Have you ever? You crack down on Ratatouilles? John said no immediately, which means every Ratatouille that you detect, you catch and kill by sundown.

How many Ratatouilles have you murdered, John? John kills Ratatouilles on sight. OK, now I can see John's wearing a cape made of Ratatouille pelts. He's got a t-shirt that says Ratatatatouille, and it's got pictures of guns on it. Jesus. There's seven guns on this shirt. John, does that help?

Thank you for keeping us safe, John. Thank you, John. Thank you for your heroic service. Hello, my friend. Hello. Hi. My name is Gretchen. Hi, Gretchen. Hi.

Right now, I'm house sitting for a family. And one of the daughters has let me borrow her car while I'm house sitting. Cool. Which is great, because my car is at the mechanic right now. But the problem is that she has a student driver sticker on the back of her car, the left side of her car, and the right side of her car.

Yeah. So she's really bad at it. Yeah. A lot of vectors of badness in the driving. And like, I don't want people to think I'm a student driver. Is she a student driver? I think she's just really bad at it. I think it's been a few years.

Aren't we all students of driving, of driving? I actually, when I read this question, I started thinking like, I think I could sign up for the luxury of having everyone on the road just assuming I'm gonna fuck up. No matter what you do, you have a hundred percent clemency. I would love everyone to lower their expectations of me a while.

I see so many people nodding right now. Yeah, dude. If you could get a student driver bumper sticker and a baby on board bumper sticker. If I could get a student liver t-shirt, like I'm a student, this whole thing, the whole business. I think we should start selling car decals that say grad student driver. Yeah. Because I think that whatever action you take on the road,

if someone sees that on the side of your car, it's gonna distract them long enough. Well, they're like, what does that mean? And then you're gone, you're a ghost in the night. What if you got a badge when you first got your license that's like great driver, and if you fuck up one time, you lose it. And so if you're driving around and someone sees it,

they're like, I guess it was my fault. Yeah. That person's never fucked up. They're always right. They're like, show me your badge. And you show them and they're like, this says you ate the spiciest buffalo wings at Craig's Chicken Palace

But you know what I respect that Why why can I ask Gretchen? Why do you not want to be mistaken as a student driver? I think I'm a really good driver. Okay. Thank you I'm glad that this came up because do you think there are maneuvers that you could execute? Yeah, where they'd be like that's no student driver Do you think there are maneuvers that you could execute where they'd be like, that's no student driver? A student driver couldn't do that. Car says they're a student driver,

but they're driving backwards tenant style. They somehow pulled off a one point turn. How'd they do that? That car just bounced over traffic like it was Inspector Gadget's car. Holy shit. I just like don't want people to be worried when they see me doing like, doing my driving.

Right, you're doing your thing. You don't want them to get all judgmental if you go in for a funky three point turn that they don't agree with. It's like, yeah, we're all been out of here a while, all right? I've heard the right. Oh, get like a mortar board hat

and then every time someone makes eye contact with you Take it off and throw it up in the air. Yeah, and they're like, oh no, they graduated just now. Those are old bumper stickers Does that help Gretchen? Yeah. Cool. Thank you so much Brothers brothers brothers, I have a question for you. Yeah, hey, what's your name? My name is Jesse. I go by he-day. OK, so is Rob, was that an indicator of your seat number?

I dropped my phone. Oh, OK. He dropped your phone on Rob? Didn't correct it. On Rob. Awesome, man. Cool. Perfect.

Can you angle the microphone up just a little bit? A little bit more. What's your question? So I work with ethical hackers. and the marketing minds that all of you are can help us because right now we only have one slogan. I'm in. I'm in is the slogan for ethical hacking is I'm in. Is I'm in.

Okay, cool. We're hacking in general, I feel like. But we're looking for a new one. Can you please help us come up with the new? I have compromised the system. Aha. Yeah, I have essentially in Jesse. I appreciate the narrative layer you've applied to this question as if you're going to walk from this theater and get on the boards and be like, don't worry guys. Don't worry, cyber surfers. We got a new catchphrase.

Hot off the presses. What's up console cowboys? We got some new shit from the McElroy boys. Everybody fucking plug in. We've got the new cyber juice or whatever you guys use. Riz up your necks guys, we got a new dispatch. We got a new brain dance from the Mackel freaks. The free neuro jockeys. Jesse, have you ever, and please answer honestly,

have you ever unironically done a cool hack and then said reflexively, I'm in, and then thought like, wow, I really, I really did it. I really said it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate the honesty and the thought. I think maybe we're in,

cause that shows a little bit more of a collective spirit. Like, I'm in, but you guys can come over and look at my screen or push whatever buttons you want. Like we're all in together. Yeah. Yeah. Google the matrix screenplay and just any line that you want from it. So instead of like, not like this, you say,

oh, yeah, like that. Like this. They never follow that up. Yeah. Not like this, like that. What if you just yelled Yahtzee? Yahtzee's good. Can I try it? Is that like a cool hacker thing to do? Yahtzee! Can I try it out right now? Yeah. Yahtzee. Nope. What about the quarterback is toast? Oh my god the quarterback is toast is very powerful, very strong. I mean can you try, can you like say Bazinga but be like cute and embarrassed about it?

Like, Bazinga? Like under your breath? Fuck. No, I don't wanna make that, just saying I'm sorry. What about, I respect myself? Just something that shows not only are you in, but it's unlocked something within yourself

that you've learned about yourself in that day where you just say, I am capable and good enough. Am I saying all these now? Yeah, you got to, it's a mouthful. Maybe like, and the keyboard wasn't even plugged in. Oh. And it turns out it wasn't. What if you say, yummy.

And also every time you sit down to hack, you tuck a little bib in and you set up some silverware and then you hack and then people are like. And you eat your keyboard. And you eat your keyboard and they're like, that's Jesse, they eat the data. Yeah, maybe you could get into tagging, Jesse. So after you do the hack, you can tag your computer

with spray paint and just show them who's boss. I think you're missing a step here, Jesse, where you need to come up with a cool hacker persona. Then you have a catchphrase related to your cool hacker persona. Can I suggest Jesse Robb? Because it has a sort of futuristic aesthetic to it. It's two names.

But I mean the robbing aspect of it. OK, here you go. Jesse Robb, what you're going do is you're gonna start styling yourself like an old timey cowboy bank robber or you're robbing a train. That's cool. And you're gonna have bandana over your face, big hat and everything.

And then as you get in you say- In your bedroom. Yeah, in your bedroom. And as you get in you're gonna say, this is a stick up. Oh, this is a stick up, but it's ethical hacking Travis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also do you say that before you start hacking?

Because you're writing a pretty big check at that point. Yeah. With my thing of saying- This is a stick up. You've been stuck up. With my thing of it, you tuck the bib in, and you put the silverware out. And then if you don't do the hack,

you can discreetly pick up the silverware and untuck your bib and not make a big deal out of it. Yours is writing an awfully big check. You don't have to say, yummy, if, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, fff. I've got a bus going out for you. Oh shit, hold on, Jesse's calling. We're in the middle of a date. Is it important? I mean, no, but Jesse really... Hold on, beep.

Yummy. Good job, Jesse. Does that help, Jesse Rob? That helps, yeah. Thank you, Jesse. Thank you. You can lower the lights if you don't want to. Yeah, take the lights back down.

Make them disappear. Thank you so much for joining us for this evening, Sacramento. We hope you've enjoyed yourself very, very much, and it was worth your time. We have had an amazing time. Thank you so much for joining us for this evening Sacramento. We hope you've enjoyed yourself very very much and it was worth your time We have had an amazing time. Thank you so much for for coming Let's hear it for the the beautiful posters designed by Fede arts. Look at those babies We love we signed a bunch of them. They may still be out there. Thank you to the safe credit union performing arts center Everybody's been so nice, and it's a beautiful place.

Thank you. And thank you to Paul Sabourin, of course. God rest his soul. His Memorial Canned Food Drive Challenge coin is still for sale out there. You can buy one and all the proceeds go to Sacramento Food Bank and Family Services. Thank you to Montaigne for these Red Themes.

Long My Life is Better with you. Woo! A banger. Check out It's Hard to Be a Fish, Montaigne's new album, it's fucking great, I can't stop listening to it. Let's hear it for Amanda and Rachel, we couldn't do tours or shows without them. Thank you so much, Amanda and Rachel.

Thank you so much, Amanda and Rachel. Now Travis, this is 20th under Drive, so do you have a? This year, I will be faster than my fear that a microscopic magic school bus could be inside my body at any given moment. My name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. My brother, my brother, may kiss your dad square in the lips! ["It's Better With You"] It's better with you It's my life It's better, it's better with you It's better with you My life, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Ah, it's better with you