My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 780: Face 2 Face: Good Will Horsing

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Live from the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas we’re playing new games and doling out wisdom about trampoline time, garbanzo beans, and knife-sharpening machines!Suggested talking points: Zero Degrees to Natalie Portman, Tramposition, The President of Basketball, Loose Knives, Legal Rock MistakesEquality Florida: https://www.eqfl.org/VR Link: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/xs2ky4ouy3vnvgs42dc9l/Dragonfire_trailer.mp4?rlkey=jiexk22u11p8dzb8o11sgv1jw&st=bqil367t&dl=0

The McElroy brothers are not experts. And their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert. But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed.

It's rapping into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels life. Oh, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life. Ah, ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true.

Ah, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life. Ah, ah, ah, ah, it's better with you. Hello and welcome my brother, my brother made advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middleist brother, Travis, Big Dog, Wolf, Wharf, Vroom, Frum, McElroy.

Still scary. What's up? Trav Nation, it's me, your sweet baby brother. 30 under 30 Media Luminary, Griffin, Bill Ford, Tuff, McElroy. And I am absolutely busting out of this teenager's Halloween costume. Yeah, this has been kind of an ongoing narrative. Somehow Griffin's costume has shrunk, and it is just getting worse and worse for him.

We have two more live bim-bams, and then I think I'm just going to like fucking loofarigno my way out of this thing on stage. I'm riding high today, ready to do a great show. Because today, my oldest brother and I, along with Rachel and Amanda, who helped put on our live shows, When did a VR adventure where we fought some goblins and skeletons and spiders and stuff? True. And it absolutely ruled. Unfortunately, Griffin couldn't be there because he decided to have kids. What a loser. Today. Yeah. Big announcement. We're done. Done it again. I just wish Griffin could somehow experience it, Travis.

Oh, my God, Jocelyn. Good news. We have video from it. I can't wait to see it. This, why am I bloody? Get it. Get it up my face. Shit, guys. What is this? Oh, no.

Oh, come on. Okay. Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I got killed there. That's me getting killed by a big axe. If I was really in this situation, I would die. Many times over, I learned, yeah.

You guys look so inactive. There we go. No, look at that. That we're going. We're surrounded. Look at how tough we look. The most nonchalant fantasy heroes of all time. Well, Travis told us he figured out he could hurt guys just by wiggling it.

So he started wiggling it more. Please, you have to say wiggle his sword. You get to say wiggling it. That video does not show the moment where I attended to jump back from getting hit by a swinging axe and fully just went over a crouched down Amanda like she was half of a schoolyard bullet. pushed near you. You guys

looked even cooler in the real-life footage than in the video game footage. Yeah, somehow, right? And Griffin, let me tell you, the sweatiest I've

ever been in my entire life. Not surprising, even a little bit. Yeah, the lady came in afterwards with the towel and I was almost, please let me, I'll go clean my own equipment. Thank you so much.

You shouldn't have to do this. This is an advice show. And we are going to take your questions and turn them alchemy-like into wisdom. But first. Oh, my God. Really? Papa's got a brand new game.

Let's see you for. Oh, shit. Welcome everybody to Portman Whoa, the hottest new game show with your host, Travis McElroy. That's me. Okay. I'm sorry. Can we stop the music?

Can we stop this? First of all, I hate this. He's been playing this game backstage with us. I hate to ruin it for you, but he's been calling it zero degrees to Natalie Portman. And basically, he just says, go, and then you have to say Natalie Portman. As fast as you can. As fast as you can. It's like...

You don't even have to name a Natalie Portman movie. You just have to say Natalie Portman. So it's not going to be... If you guys don't like it, why do you keep saying Natalie Portman so... Because I don't want to lose. I mean, I don't want to lose. Exactly. As is always the case, Travis, you're going to say.

games are not my favorite games, but I will kick as much ass at them as I possibly can. The original the name of this game was actually, sometimes where it'd sound like other words the game, but that did not test well. No. So we changed that. Unlike

this, which was universally beloved. This got 100% test rate with myself. Yeah, great. I'm going to give you the clue, and you're going to give me the portmanteau. I am describe it.

This is just your dirty games, but not dirty. This is like work of fart, but not dirty. I'm evolving as an artist. Don't you mean as a fartist? No, Travis. No, Justin, don't. No, that's Piero, and beneath me. This is Portman-Woe.

I'm evolving as an artist. I'm getting worse. Grow up. Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. Permanueh, Classy. All right. Your first clue Yeah

What they would have called the park If Walt had written Mickey and Friends To be pickup artists Walt Disney World No this isn't No this is not work of fart It's not work of fart

And I'm really sorry Because it's probably not Walt Disney World It's not just No Thank you Don't fucking buzz me Paul Wait so Is it a

Better be careful just Or Paul's gonna fucking buzz you on your own podcast, Griven, that doesn't sound right? This is my game show, not your podcast. Okay, great, man. Great energy. Okay, what they would have called the park

if it was for pickup artists instead of about Mickey Mouse. No, Mickey and Friends were pickup artists, but yes. God damn it. Mystery Land? It's a portmanteau. Yeah, man, I got to tell you, I work fart was a lot cleaner.

I'm going to say it, and you're going to be like, Travis, you're actually a genius, that's great. Okay. Do you want to hear the answer? Is the answer, Travis, you're actually a genius? That's great, because I can get out ahead of that. No, the answer is Rizney World. Risney World. Okay.

You don't have to give him the correct answer, like he made the game. So, like, they don't throw a fucking parade for Ken Jennings every time he says what the answer is on Jeopardy. You know what I mean? Technically, he says what the question is. but yeah.

Damn it. Get him. Second, Portman Wu. Yeah. Three podcasting brothers. Hey. Release a boxed pasta dish. Ooh.

Release a boxed pasta dish? A pasta dish in a box that you can make for dinner. Crap. Um. Hamboig, Hamboiger. Don't! My brother, my brother

and macaroni and cheese and me. No. Craft, mackle brother, and... Oh, you were close. Boy! Craft. Craft? No. Fuck.

Stop it! McElbrony and cheese. Judges? You. Yes, so we'll get with you. McElrony and cheese. McElroy and cheese is like a third one. It's literally exactly what I said.

Travis said macalroony. You put in bro and put in another one. That's like a third joke in there, Griffin. Awesome. I'm so good at this game. Thank God. Our final poor man, whoa. Are you ready?

Yeah. Pleasuring oneself at top speed. Faster baiting. Yeah. Griffin wins. Does he? I mean, does he? Thank you.

That's been Portman, Whoa, with your host, Travis McElroy. In, no notes. No notes. In 2024, I finally discovered the difference between garbonzo beans and chickpeas. This information is so funny to me that I need to tell everyone I know. The problem is, in order for that difference to really hit home, the conversation needs to come up organically. There are friends I have been waiting a full year to tell,

and no matter how many times I throw garbanzo beans and chick bees into a conversation, they never wonder aloud what the difference is. How can I get people to ask me this question more often in a way that feels natural? That's from Beanbud in Austin. Are you here? Hello? I don't know the difference. Oh, well.

I'll tell you, one's beans, one's peas. I don't trust that. No. Sometimes they call things things that aren't things. Peanuts? No. They're lagoons. I don't think anyone colloquially

sort of calls them legumes. We talked backstage about how much it would delight us to, not for jokes, but just kind of wonder aloud what the difference is. Just to really torture you. I don't know why. It's the perfect opportunity, and I'm not going to

I assume garbonzo beans are inherently cooler. Like when you see one, you're like, ooh. That bet that has a more fun name. Person who asks this question, would you feel comfortable coming up to the, we have a microphone and usually we wait till the end of the show to do audience questions. But it does feel, hold on, wait, wait, wait. It feels a little bit like if we know. If you don't want to do it, just remain silent.

Now, here they come. Completely fine. Are you coming down? Okay, kick ass. Now, okay, no, wait, no, wait. Now, wait. Hello, what is your name? If you feel comfortable, give us your name.

Hello, my name is Jesse. Hi, Jesse. I'm going to set you up. You're ready? No, wait. No, wait. Don't set Jesse up. Here's the thing.

They asked them. They said they wanted the question. I know, but we have to be talking about it, and Jesse's got to find the window. You're right. You're right. You're right. Okay, so we're going to be talking. Jesse, you'll know it when it comes, but you've got to be able to, okay?

Don't miss the window, too, because we, I swear to God, we are three straight white men. We will talk right over. Okay. But, yeah, this, you have to work really hard to get a word in. I got, I got it. Yeah, can you just? Yeah, Justin, Justin, she, then she left me. She said it was over.

Sad as that is, this hummus is delicious. I can't tell though if it's chickpeas or garbanzo beans. Basically the same thing, right? Yeah, there's no difference. It's basically a homonym, and that's the truth of the matter. Anyway, next conversation subject. Yeah, I'm getting divorced. Actually, I can tell you the difference.

Wait, what? Wait, between getting divorced and not getting divorced? What kind of lonely life? No, wait, no, no, do you remember a few minutes ago when we were talking about hummus? I think Jesse's referencing that instead of your divorce, which is clearly what we're talking about now. I'm just trying to open up. Jesse, read the fucking room. All right, Trav, read.

No, but now I do need to know, because this is what mine and Denise's major fight was about, the difference between Garbonzo Beans and Jig Peas. Go ahead. Travis, I told you just tortured herself at this point, man. It doesn't matter what the difference in. It does matter, Justin. It matters to me. Go ahead, Jesse. He could take it.

The difference is I wouldn't pay to have a garbonzo bean on my face. That's going to do it for us. Jesse, if we had known that what you were going to do would be the funniest thing that's going to happen here tonight, we honestly

probably would not have invited you to the microphone. We definitely have 62 more minutes of show to do. We would not put it at the top of the show, Jesse. That was fucking entrapment. Jesse, you didn't put the punch. This wasn't an audience question that was submitted. You didn't put the punchline in there. You were just going to have these three dangleberries.

Jesse gave us all the clues. We walked right into Jesse's trap. Jesse gave us all the clues. We just sprang it. The perfect. It was like one of those locked room mysteries. Like, how is Jesse going to get out of this one? Jesse, I didn't...

Jesse. I didn't. I couldn't understand backstage why this would be such a... It would get so stuck in your crawl. Yeah. Why you would be waiting on fucking tinterhooks to illuminate what the difference is

between these two. But now I absolutely indefinitely and totally get it. I'm a 41-year-old person who has been making comedy on the internet and existing on the internet for many years. and I don't know what it says about my level of naivete

that when I saw this I thought the difference must be really interesting Jesse just by a show of cheer do you feel like you've gotten it out of your system now though wait

the anecdote has expanded so you now have more on roads right so now people just need to bring up podcasting or us right and then you'd be like embarrassing three cis white dudes yeah a funny story about that Hold on one second.

What's the difference between this is going to seem like a tangent, but, uh, thank you so much, Jesse. Fantastic. I am 31 years old, and I just bought my first house with my partner at our housewarming party. My sister gifted us a 10-foot trampoline, fulfilling a long-time dream of being an adult that has their own trampoline to use whenever they want. We love our trampoline, but I find that I am not jumping on it as often as I had wished. due to work or other adult-type things that ruin fun. Brothers, how do I make sure that I get in time to bring back the childlike wonder to my life that I so crave?

That's from aspiring aerial adult in Austin, Texas. Are you here? You're up high. That's appropriate. That works. I don't want to seem like a downer, but I think 10 feet is too high for a trampoline to be. Yeah, that doesn't seem safe or regulation, honestly.

There's not a safe trampoline guy. It's like, you can put one of those two inches off the ground, like, life finds a way. I guess that's true. Now, Griffin, are you a trampoline fan? We have a trampoline at our house in D.C. A smooth transition, I was done. I call it a tramp position. That doesn't make any fucking sense.

And it is cool. Like, the kids wear themselves out on it, which I really like. But they also want me to jump on it sometimes. And I don't know how to tell them that. as a 38-year-old man, like, stuff is looser inside of me than it is in them, and that if I bounce up and down too much, I feel stuff shifting around inside that is so hugely worrying, so troubling. Yeah, I could bounce the wrong way on a trampoline and it's just, that's it.

Your stomach flips over like an old dog, and then that's a wrap on juice. Yeah, one of the organs ends up in the wrong place, and that's it. It'll happen. It happens every day. I think the solution to your problem is if the adult things in your life keep getting in the way of trampoline time, start to incorporate trampoline time into the adult things in your life. For example, important phone meeting or Zoom conversation, that could be done on a trampoline easy. Yeah. That's a powerful business intimidation tactic.

is the laptop like resting on the trampoline or what you're popcorning it baby you're just popcorning it up like oh one other thing Derek and we got item on a romantic evening with a partner that could be done on a trampoline easy how yeah explain what you just said because it doesn't sound right to me coordination lots of practice yeah and a willingness to embarrass yourself That's cool. And important and grown up, Travis. Thanks for once again bringing... But that's what romance is, isn't it? Yeah, it's got its ups and downs. Oh, wow, yeah. Well, we're doling out the high-fives tonight, man.

It's like a Paul Hollywood handshake, but it's a Travis high-five. It's even more meaningful. That's true. Hey, we're all getting into some new stuff tonight, and I have a new segment that I would like to do for you guys I'm excited to hear it. It's brand new and to celebrate it I made

I had some extra time today and I started messing around with like Canva and I try to do an intro and outro for it and I'd like to show you the intro for it if I could. Fuck yeah man, let's see it. It's Whoa. Whoa.

Who is that? That's Shack. Whoa. I welcome to Shack Watch. Welcome to Shack Watch. I'm a supporter of Justin McRoy. I wanted to tell you guys about the latest and greatest in Shack News, but there's honestly so much going on with Shaq right now

that it actually has gotten... It's a great time to be Shaq. It's a great time to be Shaq. It's an even better time to be a Shaq fan. Let's check in in our first story with the Shaqalicious X-L gummies. Those are his shoes? Those are shat, no, Travis,

those are gummies that look like Shaq's shoes. Are you kidding me right now with this? This is why Shaq won't come on the show. It's because of garbage like this. No, Travis, those are. are gummies that are shape like Shaq's shoes. They're a new addition to the shackilicious gummy line and it's brand new. Like it's just coming out right now. They're shoe based on Shaq's shoes because he's also a shoe entrepreneur. We got three different flavors here, strawberry, mango, and lime. And they're

crafted to matches O'Neill's appetite for bigger bites and bolder flavor. They're XL-sized sneaker-shaped gummies and their tribute to his larger-than-life personality and legendary shoe size of 22. So there's just three big gummies in that bag. Can I say as a purveyor of portmanteaus? Yeah.

Shackalicious tells me nothing about the quality. Yeah, it tastes like Shaq. Following its launch in 2024, Shackalicious XL Gummies became Hershey's number one suite launch of the year with over 11 million units sold.

The line, yeah. The line, including these new sneaker-shaped gummies, was ideated, developed, and taste-tested by the big man himself. Developed? He was in the lab? Shackalicious. He was mixing it up? Shackalicious started with big ideas.

Make candy that's bold, fun, and full of flavor. Now we're stepping up with sneaker-shaped gummies and three wild new flavors for gummy lovers everywhere, said Shaquille O'Neal. I've been a part of it. this from the start, from the flavors to the shapes. Yes, Shaq has helped come up with the shapes, which to this point have included a cactus, Shaq's face, a four-leave clover, and now three shoes. Thank you, Shaq. Not a, not a Shaqtus? Why? Of all of those, I don't know why this is the one that's bumping for me, but why a cactus?

Because it's a shactis. Because it's a big cactus and the big shamrock. The big shactress. The big shaktis. man. Thank you. Okay. Next story. Don't worry about Chacononi going away, guys, because chakaroni is now

on the menu forever. That's quite the promise Shaquille O'Neal. They couldn't get him a better sign for the photo? He made it himself. Shut up. Originally launched as a limited time

offering in the summer of 2020, the chakaroni quickly became an item fans eagerly waited to enjoy year after year. thanks to its extra large size, extra cheese, and extra pepperoni. The chakaroni isn't just a pizza. It's a slam dunk, O'Neill said. I'm pumped.

I'm pumped that it's now here to stay. It's big, it's delicious, and it brings people together just like pizza should. To welcome chakaroni to the Papa John's core menu, O'Neill is sending chakoronies to organizations supporting important causes. Hopefully, it's more of a coupon deal. instead of him taping them up in a box and mailing them to the boys and girls club. Here's a hundred pizzas to say thank you.

The idea of it being eternally on the menu I do have a problem with. One, it suggests that Papa John's will be around until the heat death of the universe, which seems like they've weathered too many storms to achieve that. That's an interesting point, Griffin. Here's another interesting point. Did you realize that until the end of his term,

Shaquillo O'Neal is currently the president of basketball? It's true. Wait, wait, what? Yes, Reebok. I didn't know that was a position to be held, Justin. Yes, in 2020. I haven't been doing any effort towards campaigning. Yes, unfortunately, in 2023, Reebok appointed Shaquille O'Neal to president of basketball.

So he has two more years at his term by my math. Reebok, the iconic and irreverent sports culture brand, announced longtime brand partner and legendary hall famer Shaquille O'Neal as the president of basketball. Now, if Reebok didn't give the other brands a chance to weigh in, it's not a presidency so much as a dictatorship. That's true. He has been declared. This was a basketball coup.

Yes. Throughout his epic 19-year career, O'Neill redefined the dominant big man role, tearing down backboards and racky, I bet they hate that. Oh, for sure, man. I bet they just hate the dickens out of that. Because they have to stop the game and everything. Yeah, even if they keep extra ones around, which. only so many.

Right. At a certain point, it does take a while to change how. Yeah. Now, how is Shaq using his incredible power as the president of basketball in this partnership with Reebok,

you ask? In one of the most unhinged things I've ever seen in my entire life, Paul, let's see the shoes. Huh. What is that? Wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait. What's going on in the bottom there? I'm going to tell you. My eyes keep darting around to different incredible detainers. Right. Right now I'm stuck on the sneaker. In the 1992, Pepsi partner with Shaquille O'Neal and Reebok for the first time. A celebration of the man who was taking Orlando in the league by storm. Fast forward 32 years and Shaq is as buzzy as ever. Recently showing love to Pepsi minis with 90s, Icon, ski low and having his magic number 32 raised to the rafters last week. Big Diesel continues to be at the center of sports culture. Now Pepsi is collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi sneaker. I don't know, man. Pepsi sneaker, custom built, Reebok, pump, Shaq's attack, courtesy of the-

That's too many words! That's a lot of words, man. Curtis, I'm not done, okay? The name of it is Pepsi's collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi sneak-er custom-built, Reebok pump, Shaq Attack's, courtesy of the shoe searches. Yeah, I don't want anyone off the street cutting secret Pepsi holes into my shoes. I need someone who went to shoe medical school for 12 years. Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with my spine?

Well, let me see the bottom of your feet. This has happened a lot lately. Yep, there it is. Another Pepsi can. These aren't just another pair of custom kicks, though. These are sized 22 Reeboks. They're tailor-made for the larger-than-life shack. Who loves Pepsi Mini so much.

He wanted a sticker be able to bring them with him to enjoy wherever he goes. okay so if you try to board an airplane with one of these on your feet all here's the thing this solves a problem that doesn't exist how to get a can of Pepsi somewhere right what it creates is a multitude of potential issues there are so many things on the ground that would puncture a Pepsi can on the bottom of my shoe and the idea of suddenly taking a step and just pepsies spraying all around me as I explained listen I was trying to sneak a can of Pepsi in the bottom of my shoe yes I will go straight to prison thank you so much

is it a platform situation or like an internal high heel because the Pepsi is where foot traditionally goes yeah this is the thing he has a size 22 foot because the middle of it's concave and all the extra foot went out to the size. Right. With the help of the shoe surgeon, an original pair of Reebok pump

Shack attacks has been retrofitted to fit a full Pepsi mini-kand. Is this a news story about one pair of shoes? No. It's a feat only possible to do the mammoth size 22 shoe. The Pepsi sneaker allows Shack to tote around. They just keep saying the shoe surgeon,

by the way, and not giving any details as to what that could possibly mean. Okay, listen, Travis, if you don't know who, who the shoe surgeon is going in, they are not going to be able to make you care about it right now. The Pepsi sneaker allows Shaq toad around a Pepsi mini can so that he can enjoy a crisp and refreshing sip of Pepsi

or Pepsi zero sugar whenever the urge arises. Guys, he unaware of pockets? If I fucking saw Shaquille O'Neal, and we were just talking, he's like, hold on a second old chap. And he's like, pops up his leg on top of his knee, And he's like, and that's the opening of the shoe. That's just a shoe, and then there's another, that's the can.

That's cool. That's cool. He has to release the air. That's cool that you think that's the sound that that would make after walking around on your soda can all day and not, oh, gosh. An additional 22 shoes will be available for fans to cop this week via a one-time Pepsi sweepstakes. Some of shoe surgeons key features include Rebox icon. Pump has been turned into the Pepsi Globe.

The Colorway features Pepsi color palette. Pepsi has been a coal part of my career since the moment I joined the NBA, said Shaquille O'Neal, President of Basketball at Reebok. That's what Haye was listed as. My partnership... It should probably be like an Irish accent because of like O'Neill. That would be...

My partnership with Pepsi means... It's more like me now. It means so much to me because we're always out here having fun, innovating, bringing the noise. Now I'm pumped that I never have to be without my Pepsi Mini Cans. I think it really sucks that they put this press release out

and not have one picture of Shaquille O'Neal holding a Pepsi Mini. I'm fucking furious. Paul, I need our best people on this to see if you can find me an image of Shaquille O'Neal holding a Pepsi Mini like me playing dollhouse with my kids. Please.

No, actually, Paul, don't waste your time with that because we have to move on to our next story. This one, Paul, I just want to Shack watch the time. As part of Shack, watch. I want to shack watch the time Shaq got pushed into a Christmas tree.

Chuck, don't cheat. Don't cheat, Chuck. You just love shack watching Shaq and push into a Christmas tree. Yes, I put it in the shack watch. Yeah, no, it's great. We should have a button on our stage. Anytime we do a live show, we can press when the energy starts to flag. And you get to see. Can I also point out Shaq a Clause once again? Yeah, he

can't be stopped. And last Shack watch story Do we have the image Paul of the Infecta is working with Shaquille O'Neal for a multi-year multi-platform deal on his own line of watches Can I tell you what is it right on the tent

That's freaking my being, Justin? What is it, Tram? That watch looks big on Shack. Yeah, think about that for a second. The tendons in his arm are actually stretching so badly right now. It's 35 pounds. He's doing everything you can to keep it off.

imagine how that would translate to my own dainty res. Thanks for this week's Shackwatch. Thank you to you. My girlfriend is determined to teach me how to swim. I'm not interested in learning. She used to be a swimmer and even worked as a swim instructor for a while so she thinks she can teach me. But I swear, I sink like a rock any time I get in the water. How can I convince her that I don't need to learn how to swim

And that I just want to lounge by the side of the pool That's from dry land dweller in Dallas Are you here? We've been doing this for a long time I have never heard two people shout in response to that question And one of them go, no! What on God's green earth? What the fuck is happening?

Are you a throat singer? I want to try it again, okay? And just the one would be grand. Are you here? Hi. Hi. Hi. Hello.

Tough to come back from that moment. Give us a moment to process. I love to float around. I love to splash around. So this is a little bit hard for you to relate to. but I can't remember a time when I didn't float. I've always been very floaty. It's, I don't, and that's my privilege, you know what I mean?

And I've never really checked it. You know, we are born floating and he'll die floating. You know, we are born knowing how to swim. It's one of the best baby facts. You chuck a baby in there. He'll figure it out until a point. No way. Don't chuck a baby in there.

I'm not saying you should. Obviously, we do have an intro just for that, even though dad is kind of turning it into a bit of a one-act play. and we maybe need to like bring it back a little bit. Travis says he's a sex work thing in a way that made me uncomfortable. Yeah, we don't need to turn it into a whole old coward thing, man.

We can just go ahead and say the intro, you know? This is very personal for me because Trisa was a lifeguard and swimming instructor for many years and I am not great at swimming. Good enough, I would say, to survive in the day to day scenarios I find myself in. I don't think I've swimmed with you in forever, man. I don't care for it.

There's many things I can do that other people can't. It's fine. I'm better at cross-stitch than Teresa is, and you don't hear me making a big deal about it. Yeah, but, okay, but wait, if Teresa falls into a cross-stitching store, she won't die. Yes, thank you, Griffin, thank you. There is a certain safety concern

where that information will not become immediately life or death important for your life. It was about 19. Justin and I went whitewater rafting with some of our friends. I went under the water. I've never been good at holding my breath under water without holding my nose. I went under water starts to go on my nose. I'm going all tossed around. And you know what thought crossed my mind? Well, this is death. I was at peace, Griffin. I was fine. I wasn't struggling. And then a powerful hand reached down. It was my older brother, Justin, who grabbed the back of my life jacket, which was ineffective. and pulled me back basically up onto the boat.

And I learned Van Griffin that I might not know how to swim, but other people will save me, and I better just rest on that. Yeah, he didn't learn the wrong lesson, to be fair. Yeah, I don't think you got the... And you gave Justin a great gift in giving him his own Schlitterbond hero moment. All I'm saying is if you fall in the water,

there's always going to be someone else there to say again. Not true at all. It's a monsterably untrue. A lot of bad advice getting bandied about here this evening. Throw your baby's in the water, throw yourself in afterwards. You got to be fine. You've got to be careful with this podcast. It's often incorrect.

A lot of people will want to forget that. Once a month, the restaurant I work for hires a professional knife sharpener. I'm a college student, and obviously I can't hire my own professional life sharpener, so I need to figure out a way to get all my personal knives into work without anyone noticing. Also, how should I transport the aforementioned loose knives. That's from Dahl and Dallas. Are you here?

Okay. All right. Can I interest you in some Charles Barkley knife shoes? There's special shoes Charles Barkley made where you can fit

13 knives into them. Remember his great... But then what do you do with the 14th, Griffin? Oh, are there 14 knives? You carry that one in your hands and people will look at you and say, I'm scared you say what until you find out about my 13 knife shoes.

How are you at juggling? I actually think exfiltrating the knives is harder than getting them in, right? Because, like, how do you explain to the knife sharpener? Like, I'll put this one in this bag. Over here, here. Let me hold on to those. Let me wet my beak with some of these sharp knives. Do you think just out of politeness, you would just, you wouldn't put all of them in at once, right?

They would be like in a groove sharpening and you just kind of like slide one of your knives in when they're not really paying attention. One for them. One for me. You want them? No, you don't understand. I got to wet my beat. I also, I know that working with doll knives

is more dangerous than sharp knives, but I do think that smuggling dull knives in a big bag is probably safer than smuggling a big bag of very, very sharp knives. You're going to need a big hunk of cork? Ooh. Trabb, do you know how to do the thing where you run the knife along the stick?

You know, the stick. Yeah, the strump. Yeah, you know how to do that. The old Sweenie Todd has. we call it in the business. God, I hope that's not the vibe of the person who comes into your place of being like, hey, Griffin, if you were good enough at sharpening knives that you were getting paid to do it, you don't think you're bringing a little of that heat in there?

Have you ever gotten a knife sharp? I've gotten a knife sharpened by a professional here in Austin at, I think the Mueller Farmer's Market on Sundays, there is someone who will sharpen your knives, and we would go for other stuff and obviously not knife sharpening, but after a while. while I was like, yeah, I guess the knives are getting a little doll, brought it in. I felt like I was in my fucking sky rim, guys. It was so cool.

You know, as they're sharpening it, and they say, like, the curve of the blade, like a lover. You know, that kind of vibe? Hold R.T. for a power attack against the goblin king. Yeah. The goblin king, like a lover. Yes. I, you know, you may not be able to afford a professional

knife sharpener, but perhaps you go to the professional life sharpener and you say, hello, I don't have the money to pay you, but if you are willing to take me as an apprentice. I will work underneath you and I will learn your ways. My heart is pure. And then you go to your boss like, hey, fuck this dude. He's charging a hundred bucks an hour.

I will undercut him, 20 bucks. No problem. You bump my pay up a little bit like 5% a year. I'm a professional knife sharpener to him. Okay, but also boss, not yet because I did just start the apprenticeship. Don't, hey, don't tell him. Don't get rid of him yet because I do need to learn

all the tricks of the trade. And when you see me. come in with him. Act like you don't know me, okay? The knife sharpener's not going to complain about all the extra work because you know the knife sharpener takes all those extra metal scrapings home to make bonus knives. I can't, I cannot imagine how much extra paprika, the professional knife sharpener is putting on the sandwich to make it look like you need to pay someone to come and sharpen your

knives for you. There must be a whole presentation about it that makes it seem worthwhile. If I was a professional knife sharpener and I worked for a restaurant, I would get a really convincing disguise. And then I would show up at that restaurant every day and just really abuse that knife as hard as I could. Just like have my own

stone I'd try to cut up and then be like, this needs to be shopping. And then sneak away because that's good business. It would be great to have any kind of practical skill at all. Yeah. Hi, everyone.

We may sound a little bit different to you because we're coming from a magical space, a cyberspace, a square space, if you will. We're on stage in San Antonio. Yeah, but people don't need to, Griffin, they don't need to. There's never been a better time to start using online. And Squarespace is the diving board you can use to get your face wet in the water of it. Don't jump in now. Don't jump in. Don't jump it. Don't say I'm going to take a.

a backseat on these ads and then jump it. Don't wave your hand in front of your face like it's a fart smell. Can I tell you? Sometimes grew up with me, it's really hard to be the first one to speak. We all sat here for silence and I was like, we're in cyrus space. And you're like, no, that's dumb. And then you started saying your thing. And then you said, use the diving board of Squarespace to get your face wet. Yeah.

And then just to make a fart smell. I wasn't making a PPU waving away. That was wafting. I was enjoying. No, that was a definite wave away. It makes me so angry because. Every time I listen to... When I listen to other podcasts,

their ads are all, like, direct experience. And we've used Squarespace to make so many websites. And it is easy to make things that look like you know what you're doing. We could speak for hours about that of our direct experience. And yet we don't. But we've done it great to be that vulnerable, Griffin. We've talked about how important Squarespace is to me. We've explained so many times how great square spaces is and how all the different templates are great.

I think the best, most important thing we could do for, Squarespace now is show how supportive they are of artists, which is what every time, like, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do art, and when Squarespace pays for it, that shows people that company supports art. It doesn't say this in the ad copy, but they should put, we are single-handedly keeping my brother, my brother, and me the podcast afloat.

That's true. Thank you. So head to Squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code, My brother, all one word, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. please, they have been so supportive. It's time to give something back. At the airport to fly out here,

my young son wanted to play a tornado game on his iPad. And I'm not going to say the name of it for reasons that I'll be clear later. But he wanted the poop tornado skin. But to do that, you had to either play or get a VIP membership for $6 a week. A week? A week for the poop tornado.

And I was like, yeah, remember to cancel that. Folks, I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to remember to cancel that. And that's why I depend on rocket money to catch all the $6 a week poop tornadoes that my four-year-old son sneaks. Justin, did you really want to spend $99 a week on fidget spin poop challenge? No, I don't. I don't. I do not. Thank you so much rocket money. I'm glad someone's paying attention to this stuff because I simply don't have the bandwidth. Rock, I don't know who taught the kids the screen time password, but it wasn't rocket money. No. And rocket money, if you're listening, might I suggest a feature where when I sign up for one of those games

for my kids and I'm looking at the button, you just know it and text me like, hey, it's Rocket Money. I got you. Don't worry. Don't worry, man. Go ahead and click the button. It says seven days. I'm going to remind you in six days. Don't worry about it. He'll be bored of the poop tornado in 15 minutes and then I'm going to hit you up. Rocket Money doesn't just help you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. They do do do that and they do it really well. Thank you. And they do monitor your spending as well, and they can help you lower your bill so you can grow your savings. It shows you all your expenses all in one place, including all the subscriptions to Fart Piano and Fart Tornado you forgot about, and Rocket Money's going to help you cancel

all of those. Does the Fart Tornado come from playing Fart Piano too much and too fast? Yes. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Go to RocketMoney.com slash my brother today. That's rocketmoney.com slash my brother. One last time, rocketmoney.com slash my brother. All right.

We are going to call some folks down to the microphone. You should know where it is at. It's where Jesse lit our asses up earlier in the show. If we don't call you down, please don't come to the microphone. Hello. Angle the mic down and just talk right. And if you want to give us your name, and if you want to do your pronouns, and then give us your one-sentence question. Or more sentences. You don't have to do one-senses. Hello.

Hi. My name is Alyssa. She hurt. Hi, Alyssa. So my question is, how do I get my scientist colleague to unbanned horses from his research lab? Okay. So obviously, Alyssa, this one, this one, we have a heuristic. set up on our email account to flag most horse-based content. Of course, yes, of course. So you're going to need to explain to us, one, what kind of science is being performed here. Honestly, can I be honest with you, we're not going to be able to help with this one.

We are just kind of curious why the horses got banned in the first place. I'm going to be honest. I just kind of want to hear how the horses got banned. That is completely fair. We are psychologists. Not what I was expecting, Alyssa, at all. I thought you were going to say, like, we're equine, a biologist of some sort. Let Alyssa talk.

Please. So, I'm not, he's here with me, by the way. Hey, unbanned horses. Done. Now, go on. Now, what happened? I said, do it. Hey, sorry, I need to hear what happened to get horses banned.

Please, go ahead. No, okay. Go ahead. we'll meet after the show outside. Go ahead. Please stop, Travis. I just want to hear please. I think it's a series of events, but I think the

instigating factor was we got it into a discussion about horse video games. Okay. And video games for horses? Did you bring a horse into the lab? No. But I mean, I want to now. Oh, man.

We got into a discussion about horse video games, and I won an argument that Red Dead Red Dead Redemption 2 is a horse game? Absolutely, it's a horse game. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. And I think it made him so upset that he just had to ban horses. We can't talk about horses. So you're not saying that physical, actual horses are banned. You're saying that like you can't talk about horses? We can't talk about horses. I don't care about that. This is. Alyssa, I care of that. I thought you had a horse there. I want to bring a horse in, but I can't now. Is it a second floor?

lab. It is a on the fourth floor. Hey, then you're not allowed to bring horses in there. We're camping horses. A four floor anywhere. Horses talk about four floors the way that we talk about genies. You're like they don't believe in them. It's like a magical thing they heard from a friend.

There is no method of getting the horse up there that the horse would enjoy. We have large elevators. We can do it. So you're telling me you put a horse. No, no, no. The scientists who banned horses can't be like, we have a freight elevator. We could get a a fucking horse in there if we wanted to. You're not in a podcast.

History has forgotten your perspective. You might have an elevator large enough for a horse, but there is no amount of arguing you could do that would convince me that if you put a horse on an elevator and once it started going, the horse would think, yeah, I'm fine with this. Yeah, this is great. This is

not a weird experience at all for me. Sorry, which way am I going up? That's crazy. I've never gone up before. I didn't know there wasn't up. That's fair, but I mean, horses deserve to have careers in STEM as well. Yeah, but Alyssa...

Yeah, we sent a horse to college. We get it. Yeah. Don't lecture to us about horses in education. Alyssa, I apologize if we lashed out at you. There was much discussion backstage of just like, how did a horse get in there and how many Erlenmeyer flasks did they

trample beneath their mighty hooves? So I'm sorry. Maybe it was a thing where the horse walked up to the blackboard where there was a problem that your partner couldn't solve and then the horse did it and then went back to being a janitor, and they were like, holy shit, this is goodwill horse thing, is the movie I'm working on.

Sure. So, if we had known it was on the fourth floor, we would have never taken this question, because obviously, you can't have a horse on the fourth floor. I hope you understand. Thank you so much for your time. Did that help? Maybe. Yes, okay, fair enough. I'll take it. Thank you. Thank you, Alyssa. Thank you, Alyssa.

Hello. Hello, I'm Nora. She, her, pronouns. Hi, Nora. How can we help? At one point, do I tell my mom that it took me 10 years to finish college, not four? Okay. I would suggest that you are already working at a six-year deficit, right? The clock is definitely ticking, because we are six years behind the time when this news would need to get delivered, right? How long has it been since you actually graduated college? One year. So that's seven years, total. What does your mom think you were doing? for that extra six years.

Working. But you weren't working? I was working, yes. Okay. Well, that's no problem. Were you working on a surprise gift degree for your mom in secret? Like, that's why you couldn't tell her,

like at Christmas when you can't tell your parents the pottery you're making? Because it's a surprise gift. Was this a degree maybe a surprise gift for your mom? I don't think they let you go to college for someone else. It's just, Griffin, it's just an idea, man. How did this, how did this become a, a ruse that you, was there a junction where you were like, they were like, hey, congratulations.

And you were like, oh, fuck, thanks. And then for seven years, you just kind of had to spin those plates. So I, um, I was supposed to graduate in December of 2018. Uh-huh. But I walked in May of 2018 because I don't have graduation, fact official graduations in December. So, and then I didn't graduate in December of 2018. about my whole family went to this graduation ceremony oh my god no wait hold on did you walk

i walked oh that's good that's way better guess what nora you did graduate yeah norah i i don't know how to tell you this but like and this is something i feel like we as a culture do not talk about going to a graduation ceremony for someone else is the most self-sacrificial thing you can do for another human being i would rather go to a funeral or a wedding or anything than a graduate You know how long it's going to take? Nobody knows. And unlike a wedding, I don't know most of the people it centers on. They pull into hour three and you're still there.

And you know when they're going to stop? When they get to Z, Z, Z, Z. That's when. Yeah, and at funerals, they don't make you watch them bury like 200 other people. 200 strangers and one person you give a shit about, honestly. And they say, like, don't cry until we get to the end. So that we kind of cry for everyone all together. I had to go to Riley's law school graduation.

A double dip much? I went and saw you graduate college, pal. Come on. You got to choose. Was it a thing where you needed like one more credit? And then you just said, I'll get to it after the next leap year and a half. What was the last thing? Was there one dangling thing?

For me, it was Spanish. I failed Spanish. I had to go to college for five years. Yeah, I had one credit left. And it took you, Noron. I'm sorry. One class. One class.

Sorry. What's the last credit? I had to take U.S. history. Oh, I can see why you wouldn't want to engage in that during that time period. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, 2018 to now. That is very much like the snakes at the pet shop in Peewee's big adventure of like, US history, y'all good to you.

It's going to get easier, right? There's going to be in time with it. No. No. was there how often did this how often did you feel like you had to lie about sort of your your collegiate experience

while talking to your mother whenever she was around when people asked me why I came to Austin okay that seems like something that would come up from time to time yeah well it's not an issue now right no she still doesn't know hey guess what

oh off the hood it doesn't matter you don't ever have to tell her it's done she was there when you graduated this is never going to come up again you're off the hook tell her on her deathbed listen

listen what you got to do is play this podcast for it she's going to be laughing so hard when you get it as far it's going to be like star stroke yeah it should be star shock does she like Shaq not a big Shaft

loves Jesse though it's kids who did for Jesse early of the show Alyssa, I think you're in the clear. I think you're fine. I think you could bring it up like a, and by the way, I didn't even graduate back then.

You remember. Not an issue. Yeah, you could try to actually mention it back. Yeah, no problem. I thought I told you. Does that help? So, yes, it does, because apparently I should casually gaslight her.

No, no, no, no. No, God, no. When you put it that way. It's actually called, Nora, it's called shack lighting now. We don't. He hates that. He took it over. He asked that we not do that.

Does that help? It does, thank you. Thank you so much, Nora. Hello. Hi. I'm Carson. She, her pronouns. Hi, Carson.

My question is, how do I break a streetlight without going to jail? Yeah, yeah. So we had some debate about this. Yeah, so we kind of just wanted to know why you want to break streetlight, Carson. So it's in front of our house, and we've lived there for three years. My husband's up in the balcony, way up there. Hey, how's it going? What's up?

Will. I thought you meant lived on the balcony of your house. Sorry. I missed a few words in there, I think. He stares at the streetlight like a moth all day and night. He lives on the balcony.

He knows what he did. He keeps reaching for it. And I'm like, no, it's hot. You'll fall. Don't. This is why I need it broken. Yeah, he just loves this streetlight. So is it a nuisance streetlight?

It is like a sun in front of our house. And we had to get blackout curtains for the entire front of our house and it's still hard to sleep, there was one month that it was broken and it was the best month of my life. Yeah.

But what about all the crimes that you will be subjected to when there is darkness surrounding your home? Don't worry, man. You've just paid yourself a massive target. That's definitely the house I'm going to. The one that broke out their own streetlight?

Yeah, I doubt they got ADT, man. Are you under the protective, um, of a moon tower, because that's going to cover you from any ne'er-do-wells, as long as the moon tower is illuminated. You don't need to break it. Okay. We need to shimmy up there with some reflectors. You're going to shape the way the light shines into a perfect spotlight. Yeah.

On your front porch, there's like, no crime here, but not your windows. Okay. Carson, I have two questions. Is it illegal to throw rocks, yes or no? No. Okay, is it illegal to make mistakes? Yes or no? No, no, it's not illegal.

Okay, so it seems like you could, if you threw enough rocks for fun, you might eventually make a mistake that is, we've all agreed, perfectly legal. Okay. Thank you. All right, I am a police officer trotting to your house on a big

I sat through a law school graduation for three hours folks I know my ways around the law I just want to hear Justin if an officer does pull up and say hey we've had reports that you've been throwing a hundred rocks out of your room

I'm not talking to you I don't know who threw the rock you could also just Carson didn't throw the rock wait are you Carson's lawyer or no no I'm across the street like I don't know who threw it. One Carson?

Yeah, make everybody on the street throw a rock and nobody can pin it on it. I am Kossinicus. I threw the stone. I, Mrs. McGinty threw it. We all hate the light. Just shimmy up there and put in a lower wattage ball. That's nice, Carson.

Yeah, just put like a 40 watt up there. It's a little bit of light, but not too much. Put it in one of those smart bulbs. Yeah, there you go. You can change the color from your house. That way your house can get wrong. in a nice Christmassy life. Everyone in the neighborhood could be like,

oh, looks like they're watching a scary movie. I hear screaming from that house for Halloween. No, that's just Carson getting robbed again. Carson, does that help? That help. Thank you so much, Carson. Hey, everybody. Hey.

Thank you all. So, again, thank you for coming to see us. Thank you to the Paramount once again for having us. It's a genuine honor to be back here. Thank you to Paul and amazing. and Rachel. And thank you to wonderful Rachel McRae and Griffin McRoy. Thank you.

Thank you to our dad, Clint. Thank you to our dad, Clint, who is right now watching our kids back at the hotel because he's a sweet man and a great grandpa. And thank you to John Barlow for this amazing poster, making us a poster. We signed some of them. Again, I do believe we are sold out of the Paul Saboor Memorial Can Food Drive Challenge coins, but you can still donate some money to the Hope Food Pantry, Austin, out

in the lobby. Thank you to Montaigne for the use for a theme song. My Life is better with you. It is a great track, and yeah. I've got a fear here. Yeah, I would love for you to read this final fear here in 20 Thunder Drive.

This year, I will be faster than my fear that any of the minions will be killed off in future movies. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It has been my brother, my brother, and me. Please kiss your dad. Square on the lips.

It's better with you. My life, ah, ah, ah, ah, it's better, it's better with you. What's better with you? My life, ah, ah, ah, ah, it's better, it's better with you. Is it true? Ah, ah, ah, it's better, it's better with two.

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