My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 14: The Secret Life of Ferguson

Episode Date: July 19, 2010

The Boys of Summer are back with another dose of their unique brand of advice -- in fact, we're going to supply you with some free advice right here, in the very next sentence. You should pre-order one of our fine T-shirts. Here's some more: You should leave a message on our voicemail, at 203-MBM-BAM1. Boom. You just got advised, and you haven't even started listening to the show yet. Suggested talking points: Spiderbelly, Tiller-snoot, Google Voice Follies, Ferguson Sex Change, Couldn't Care More, Jazz Cigarettes, Hans Solo and Chewy, Rock Lobster Diet, SHIRTS

If you change your mind I'm the first in line Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me If you need me Let me know Gonna be around If you've got no place to go

When you're feeling down If you're all alone When the pretty birds Have flown me on that wing You did it! I guess, you're here Might as well do a show My brother and my brother and me

Episode 14 I never thought we'd make it this far I never thought we'd get over that 13 hump But we did Consider it humped, I guess So I'm saying This is an advice show If you're unaware of the modern era

If you're just now joining us Welcome, you can hop on right now There's no... Nothing you have to know already Line a room on the bandwagon Line a room on the bandwagon I think, but at this point If you're just now listening to it

You've missed the getting in On the ground floor You can't see I think first 25 episodes You're still in the Founders Club I plan on stopping at Episode 638 So

We're still On point there as far as that goes Okay, well Everyone's jackets are in the mail Founders Club's jackets Real nice stuff Half polyester Half spider silk

It's like a polyester spider silk Windbreaker It's a blend windbreak Our faces are On the elbows Made of spider web I had Travis harvest all the spider eggs It was terrifying

He had it in his belly Then burst forth and made jackets That part was actually pretty nice That was nice I finally understood what motherhood is like Travis had this An anonymous e-mailer On gmail

I just want to say that Travis had this swallow jacket pattern That we bought at Michael's An anonymous e-mailer On gmail Asks, I received my first job out of college In March and I am still employed here I'm curious when it was appropriate to ask for a raise And how to go about doing it

My boss is a really nice guy but due to my social anxiety And my lack of fully understanding The intricacies of a workplace And this workplace in particular I'm afraid to bring it up. What do you suggest? I say six months Or the first time you see him bone in the FedEx lady Heyo

That's well, that's time to do it Most jobs have Like an annual Or three months or nine months Review So you might want to check and make sure that that doesn't Already exist but otherwise Bring it up after you've done something really great

Or something really wrong Start by joking about it And then A classic A classic McElroy move Suddenly the joke becomes serious They want to know what happened You've been joking about it and then wait

Has it been a joke? I don't remember But I think he's been talking about it for a long time You've got to keep in mind Is that company It's worrying about spending its money on things like Buying the things that it needs To keep its company running And keeping the power turned on at their big

Wait a minute They don't give two shits if they're paying you An extra 50 cents an hour The only person who cares about that is you So, you know, don't feel like you're Inconveniencing them I realize the best time to ask for a raise Is after the economy is not made of toilets

What's that? How about you wait until that is happening Your basic threat is If you don't give me A raise, I'm quitting And like, in most companies Oh, God, thank Christ Finally fewer staffers

I'm going to let you in On a Travis McElroy secret When I have shitty jobs And I want to get a raise What you do is lower your standards Lower their standards Really average, boring job Really only commit about

65% every day And then one week Go in and give 92% Don't push yourself, don't wear yourself out or anything But comparatively It'll make it seem like, wow Travis is beginning a lot better

Hasn't he? Hasn't he? He's getting a lot better And that is the time To start bringing up like raises and promotions When you really haven't pushed yourself Or done anything, you've just lowered Their expectations so low That you can't fuck it up I thought he got bad for a while

But he seems to be on an upswing Also, if your bosses seem Unreceptive to the idea of giving you a raise Don't be afraid To dip your snoot in the tiller Just get down in there Maybe slide a couple Maybe you just need a taste

Just slip a couple of Twanskis Into that back pocket Are those your Twanskis? Did you come in with them? I think so Just a taste of the snoot Taste that tiller Taste the tiller Formspring asks

I've been chosen to be a best man In my friend's wedding And I've been trying very hard to figure out What to say for the toast. Do you have any suggestions? Fox I'm pretty sure there's like a formula to this Like open with a joke Tell a story

Give A well wish for the future Take a drink Or Take 80 drinks beforehand And then it'll be over before you know it You can remember What you said in your toast

It wasn't a good toast I have only given one Best man toast and they're divorced now So what the fuck do I know Apparently just you The opposite of whatever I did I think as long as you I know

Here's your toast Just say don't get divorced And if you do it's not on me It's not on me But drop it Hold it horizontally first And then drop it drumline Like you have to do with all microphones

I don't even know whether it makes stands anymore What am I going to do with that Didn't you mean drop it on the floor because that's what I'm doing Um No, just don't say anything That's going to embarrass the newlywed couple Don't ruin the wedding There it is

Because they spent so much money It's not your time, it's their time So don't ruin it by talking about Genitalia or anything Hey my brother, my brother and me I was just wondering, I'm going to be going to college in the fall Are there any essential college things That I should do in college

Thank you So the first question is What about it's not on me I should be hearing from Google voice Now Let's talk about Google voice We have a toll number Not toll free

There is a toll The toll free service Costs us money And come on We're passing it down to the listener To the user So you can call a message. Now, when you do that, you need to leave your name, which this person did

not do. And you also need to enunciate, or don't, because the transcriptions that Google Voice generates are hilarious. And I'd like to take a moment to read some of these, if that's okay with everyone. Okay, are we going to circle back around on this question or no? We'll come back to it, but I feel this is such an important new feature to Mabimbam that I think we need to bring it in. Well, let me, I'll tell you what, let's advise this person real quick, because I want to be able to advise people who have called into Google Voice via their transcriptions.

Okay, whoever you are, just learn. Just learn. I swear to God, if you focus on actually learning in your college years, you will be literally years ahead of your compatriots. And then, and also on the flip side of that, if we can be the devil on your shoulder from it, just don't learn, just don't go to classes and stuff, like just do the minimum amount you need to graduate. And if you're lucky, you will get to attend a party that's broken up by the FBI, as I did once, and that party rules. Or throw a beach party in your, we used to have an annual beach blush party where we would

fill my friend Jason's apartment with sand and his landlord loved that and did not get that security deposit back. Or throw a computer beach party. What's that? Everyone used to computer beach party whenever you're done doing this. I think you should also figure out what you want to do early, because nobody has ever switched majors in college and finished. Yeah, commit to a life.

Commit to a life now now. OK, Google voice. So Google voice, let's let's read some gems. OK. Hey, it's not to choose from everywhere. Nine. Well, you know, I was really knows where you at some of that the picks up pick up the phone lines. I I wouldn't touch. Anyway, my girlfriend's going away on.

Thank you for about a month. And I'm going to be here alone here, and I don't know what to do. I have friends. But anyway, once I just thanks by. Great question. Whoa, question. I think is he saying he's got nine girlfriends and some of them are going away and some of them are still going to be his friends. I think so. And also his girlfriend is on is on.

His girlfriend's on. OK, so his girlfriend's like on point. She is on like 24 seven. Just drama, it sounds like. Sounds like he's got eight girlfriends that are non drama girlfriend. And he's got one who's just on 24 seven drama, drama, drama. And is she the one leaving? It sounds like it for a month.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. So she you're calling her. OK. And she's not answering. And you got eight girlfriends at home. I think you just need to stop worrying. Yeah, I feel like you're covered. I feel like you got it with this girlfriend scenario. You're like that girl a couple of weeks ago who wanted to meet 11 nice guys every week.

Here's another good one. OK. Hey, it's a Saturday. Am I was serious questions for you this time. One, do you think that will me? I'm a loser mall. Hey, do the or innocent and why he had act. Hmm. That had to be about the Black Eyed Peas, right?

Read over again. I think it's about the Black Eyed Peas. I think I heard. Will I am? Yeah, well, I am for you this time. OK. One, is it 2008? No, it's three thousand and late. What do you think that will me? I'm loser mall.

Hey, do the or innocent and why he had act. Did you say do the or innocent? Do the or innocent? Yeah. OK. All right. So he's getting into the dance scene. Yeah, that's the dance. That's the new dance in the south in college campuses on the south. And I'm pretty sure the Asian guy in the Black Eyed Peas

is named Loser Mall. Is it Loser Mall? It's will I am Loser Mall? Fergie, just number like Fergie Fergie. And Fergie, did you guys know that Fergie is short for Ferguson? You're saying this caller is asking about Clarissa Explains It All. Where can they find back episodes that probably feature? Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All got a sex change operation downtown and now he's not in his uptown, not his uptown.

He already had location was uptown, but OK. He didn't go to the Bronx or Brooklyn uptown to the nice sex change. Sure. That's where all the good sex change operates. That's right above that. Everyone knows that, Justin. It's right over that really good type place. We went to that one time. The really good sex change place. So that's Yahoo or that's confused.

That's our voicemail number. You got me excited when you said that's Yahoo. I thought you were about to say that Yahoo! Serious and called our voicemail line. So that's Yahoo! Serious. If you're Yahoo! Serious and you're listening to this show, please, sweet Christ, leave a message and make another movie.

Make some more. Just slightly less young Einstein. That's the movie I want from you this year. Middle aged Einstein. Slightly middle aged Einstein in 2010 or bust. Call our voicemail two zero three six two six two two six one or two zero three Mbam one and and, you know, ask for some wisdom.

We'll give it to you. MbA MbA M1. If you can think of an easier way to remember that, let us know. How about Yahoo! Serious Yahoo! question. OK. This one comes from Nina. Nina who asks, Am I pregnant?

I had dry home sex with my boyfriend on Friday and I was on my period. I am having weird feeling in my stomach and under my stomach, it hurts in my lower back hurts. Or is it that I am thinking that I am pregnant? That. Why am I feeling like this? Oh, wow. I think it's a real scare. Yeah, it sounds like a scare.

It sounds like the the pain you're having in your stomach might be those those rocks or child's toys that you ate because you're so stupid. That could be the answer that you were just picking up small objects so you can fit in your mouth like a like a pool, queue, chalk, iPhones, just anything you can swallow. You've been I I needed some Legos before having dry home sex with my boyfriend. With my boyfriend.

You also intercapped boyfriend, which I'm going to start doing from now on. Listen, you can't get pregnant by dry humping your boyfriend on your period, but you can get single pretty quickly. And I can get grossed out. I could get pretty yucked. That pain you're feeling in your stomach might be the devil you center. Yeah, what up? How about you go to church and try to get out?

Yeah, Satan. But this is what happens to the baby. Yeah, your baby, your stupid baby. When you know how we are, that's the way it's sex education classes kicked out of schools. This is the result. Yeah. Good going, America. Yeah, way to go, America.

Look what you've done. And by the way, this, you know, this girl is definitely pregnant, right? Because that is the world we are in. This girl is definitely, definitely pregnant. Yeah, so super pregnant. Yeah. Future Mabin Bam listener right there. Hey, I'm leaving my job of two years next week, and I'm very, very excited about the move.

I know. Well, there's your first mistake. I can just stop you right here. I know on my last day during my exit interview, I'll be asked why I'm leaving. My issue is, should I tell my horrible bosses that they suck and everyone who works out of them hates their lives? Or should I play nice to avoid burning bridges in case I ever need a reference? I really want to tell them what's up for the sake of my friends and co-workers. I'm leaving mine. Tristan can't help them.

Fact. Tristan can always help them. He's an American hero. But anyway, I mean, he's up. He's up in Osama's guts in Afghanistan and Iraq right now. But he actually possesses the ability to teleport. You just have to say his name backwards. Yeah, it's not it's not a big deal. Or you can just subscribe to his Twitter feed.

He's the Trisket. So so and he'll just just ask him there. He's asked him on the Twitter. You are not going to do yourself any good. But didn't let me ask you this. Did anybody do that for you, Laura? In the two years you were at that job, did anybody have an exit interview where they told their bosses not to be such deal weeds?

Probably not. I can't stress this out. Everybody always fantasizes about and but you're never going to actually do it. You're going to roll into that meeting. They're going to ask why you're leaving. And you're going to say, well, it was just time and then you'll get out and feel like a, you know, a, you know, a coward for not saying anything. But no one ever says anything.

Yeah, who cares? They don't want to hear it. They really don't matter. It doesn't matter what you say. I I or what you do there. You don't have to have some, you know, grand send off all you have to do. Just dip that snoot in that tiller. Wow. No reason not to do it.

They're not going to fire you. Just dip your snoot in. Get your snoot deep down in there and just take everything that's not stapled. Do you know how good you'll feel if you give a lying in your exit interview, but you know that your pocket is full of staplers, just full of staplers and posted notes and cash, just cold, hard cash. Oh, and throw this out. Why are you leaving?

I could never find a stapler. Can you? Good luck. And just leave them with that thought. And I guarantee you they will spend the next week trying to find a stapler. Hey, oh, that's great. Which is correct. This is from a baby Gmail, which is correct.

I mean, I couldn't care less or I could care less. I've heard both you, but we need a definitive answer. You know, it's ironic about this one. The answer is actually in the question, which is so rare. You've said it twice. The answer, of course, is I couldn't care less. I feel like, although it depends on what you're saying. I feel like I couldn't care less is like, you know, fuck it, who cares?

I couldn't care less. But then if you're having a touching moment, you're like, I could care less. That's a thing, a completely different thing. Yeah, I don't care a great deal about what's going on right now. There are levels of caring that are below the current level. That I don't think you should do either. I don't think you should say either one. I think you need to get invested in your world.

Make a positive difference. Team up with us, Russell Simmons. We're going to go down the riverfront and get just pick up all the trash. And that's caring. How about work this into your vernacular? I could care more. Yeah, confused people flip the script. OK, how do you feel about dolphins?

I couldn't care more. Got to save them all. I feel about the oil spill. I couldn't care more. I care so much. It hurts. It hurts sometimes. Why did you quit your job?

Because I care too much. I care too much as Arby's to watch you turn it into the freak show that it has become. And it's supposed to be a recipe and recipe related product establishment. And you've turned it into something that is just a tool. It's a mockery of the Arby name. The Arby family will be hearing about this. Good day, sir. Good day. OK, guys, so I'm 19 and from Scotland.

I've been actively going out drinking and fraternizing in the clubs for about a year and a half now, but I'm coming to America for a few weeks, months and September. And I'm not going to be allowed to legally drink. Oh, man, what the fuck do I do? I go out like three or four times a week at the moment. I can't imagine the horror of not being allowed to drink. What would you guys suggest? I do to fill my time.

Are you getting the bars? OK, Simon, you attend to alcoholics. Anonymous me. Yeah, get your life in order. Dude, you're 19. This should not be that big of a problem for you. But that said, you don't know how it is, man. You're coming to America with a Scottish accent. You've basically got a superpower. Basically, that's true.

If I've been walking in a Scottish accent at 19, who I've been drinking on the on the reg. You're like a young Craig Fergie. Yeah, Craig Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. Did you know Ferguson grew up, got his sex change operation undid, changed his first name to Craig and and hosted a late night talk show. He's actually he's a lichen through the throat. Is that right? He's like a morph, where in the daytime he's an animal or the day time.

He is Craig Ferguson, comedy talk show host, night time, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. It's like poor timing. If I was between three and four in the morning, he's a tiger. I would want to be the late night talk show tonight, I think. He records in the daytime, though. Don't you know how TV works through the four in the afternoon? And then at night, he dances around the Black Eyed Peas and peas on himself.

People in the place, if you want to get down. Listen, Simon, seriously, you're not going to have any problems. Just tell somebody like with your with your Scottish accent, say that you want some beer, some American beer, and you're going to get it. It's not going to be a big deal. I promise you're just going to have to drink at people's houses. You're not going to be able to in in bars, although, you know what? You're probably, you know, you're going to be able to get into the bars, right?

You just can't buy the drinks. But if you're over 18, most places you can get in. You just can't drink. I'm going to throw out a three word answer here. Grow a beard. Oh, wow. A beard from Scotland. And he's 19. He's already there. Yeah. Get a beard and a Scottish accent.

You'll be collecting social security checks. Forget about people think you're 80 years old. Yeah. Who's that? Not just your old man that came with Denise. Oh, that's Simon. He's 19. Go buy him a beer. Not just any old beard, though. A great big bushy beard.

A great big bushy beard. Hey, yeah, who answers user like bottom crawler? Oh, Jesus asks. In movies, who is the greatest? Who is the greatest? Your favorite protagonist? Who is the greatest? Your favorite villain? Who is the greatest? Your favorite duo?

He provides a few answers. Protagonist, Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone. Ha, ha, you want to see an American tough guy? Rocky has done it all. Rocky has done it all. Walk the streets playing with a ball, own a restaurant and unite the world through boxing. Villain, the queen, Lucille Laverne,

the old witch who fed Snow White the poison apple so that she could be, quote, fairest of them all. Duo, Hans Solo, Harrison Ford, and Chewie. Oh, man. Well, Chewie's like you already answered his own question. Chewie spelled C-H-E-W-Y. That's it.

And he's bloody crungy. I have got to see this movie. Listen, these people are. Icons. You know, they're they're role models for people. And I get the importance of needing to know who is the best, who is the greatest. I mean, Rocky Balboa has done it all.

Walking the streets playing with a ball, and he does own a restaurant. And like, that's that's something I aspire to on a daily. Is this this person mean to write a free form rap? It kind of sounds like it. The best rap ever. Yeah, it's kind of fresh. Oh, did you hear that new bottom crawler jam?

Rocky's done it. Oh, look, the streets with a ball. I heard he's working with Will I am and Ferguson. Clarice explains it all walking down the hall, playing with a ball. Clarice explains it all. Formspring asks, I can't sleep. What can I do to sleep? I love these questions, man.

So simple. So simple. What do I do to sleep? Pizzez got to get down on that. Special official sponsor, my brother, my brother make skin to possess nap. You're going to feel good. You know, I always used to get tricked into that because I used to have trouble sleeping too. And mom and dad would always, you know, when I was little,

say, well, just lay down and close your eyes. And it's as good as sleeping, you know, just lay there and rest. And then all of a sudden you're waking up two hours later and you're like, oh, I fell asleep. It's when you try to sleep. It's when you're thinking so hard about it. That's why you can't sleep because you're trying to sleep. You know, just let yourself fall asleep.

It's much easier. Yeah. If you close your eyes. You have to dream your superhero. I dream I'm a superhero. That one always knocks me out. I don't know why I just dream I have superpowers. And then I think it's because I want superpowers so bad that I want to really get into that dream.

That's my body's like, here we go. OK, I like that. I like that. I think maybe it's because you're not stressed. Because you're not stressed by anything, because you're thinking about, wow, superpowers, that would be bomb. I think if you have trouble getting to sleep, then you're not tired. Maybe stay up and do something.

Your life's taken away. If you don't want to go to sleep, don't go to sleep. That's what I say. I'll tell you what, though, it trick and, you know, jokingly, most people would say, you know, have a couple of drinks. The problem is when you do that, you don't sleep as well. So the reason if you get really drunk, you tend to like wake up bright and early

because you're not really sinking into that deep, stressful sleep that you get naturally. So you might fall asleep, but you're not going to get the same rest you would if you just, you know, allowed yourself to fall asleep naturally. That's true. That's true. The drinking thing is not a good. I just think, you know, you know what? Exercise can be good if you exercise during the day.

Sometimes you'll sleep better. I think I've heard. I have no idea. How could I? How could I test that theory? I don't know. Also, oh, don't have nightmares. Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything. If you are having a dream and it starts to look like a nightmare,

you need to just you need to inception that shit and switch it back to a good dream. Well, I haven't seen inception, but I think it's just Leonardo DiCaprio taking nightmares and turning them into sweet, sweet dreams. He's like, this place looks like a nightmare. Let's get you out of here. I'm going to flip this script.

Look, my finger camera is there. My fingers are made of rainbows. You're in a gumdrop candy for it. What are your views as form spring on the use of recreational drugs? They're legal and people who do them should go to jail. Yeah, but in jail, drug. How's that? How do what are my views on robbing liquor stores?

That's that's a crime. Well, except for Salvia, Salvia is legal, right? Yeah, but don't do that, because then you'll think the world's ending for about 15 minutes. It's the worst. And then you'll and then you'll wish the world of them. Yeah, wow, of recreational drugs. I one time I got as far as recreational drugs.

The one time I got high on Salvia, I I was still high and my dad called and talked to my wife. And somehow the convert that my dad joked that my grandmother could see the future. And I started crying because my nanny could see the future. So don't. So I guess what I'm saying is don't do drugs. No, I did Salvia and now I'm a Zen Buddhist. So so there. Yeah, things happen.

It was a it was an eye-opening experience. It was I actually just got back from from the Pitchfork music festival where I was constantly surrounded by people who were enjoying a number of jazz cigarettes. And let me tell you, that's tough, man. It makes people do some crazy things out in the hot sun. You were just high on music there, right? And good times. I was high on music and good times.

I'm talking. But like everyone else around me was like, hey, Griffin, try this jazz cigarette. And I was like, no, I don't. I got to be strong. That's the important to keep in mind when you smoke the double grass. It might be fun for you, but everyone around you hates you. Yeah, everything's boring. Because it turns you into an incomprehensible nanny.

You're not funny. You're boring. Hey, you start doing that laugh thing and slap the shit out of you. Hey, so much different from watching a drunk guy stumble around. That shit's funny. Because who knows what he's going to do? I know we guys are going to ask if I've seen fear and loving in Las Vegas. Yes, I have. And do I want to watch again? No, I don't.

But don't do don't do recreational drugs, because soon you're going to be out on the streets like that lady in Los Angeles, who was on the crack that came up and coughed into my mouth as I was walking on the sidewalk. Cough right in my mouth. She stood in front of me, waited for me to open my mouth. And then charged him two hundred dollars for it. You can't salvage that day. You know that?

I did. I did a big old L. I recently this is from Scotty, who's a lady. Asses on Gmail. I recently started working for my mother. She is running for public office. And I'm basically her personal assistant and media director, which just means I run her Facebook and Twitter. The problem I'm having is that I try to take the job seriously

and try to be professional while my mother does the opposite. She'll poke fun at me and treat me like a 14 year old while I'm trying to work. How can I try to establish a work relationship without upsetting her any advice? That's tough, Scotty, because that's why a lot of people don't work for their folks. Or I mean, I've I've thought for a long time, I've had the opinion that working for family is not a good idea. Yeah, it's just a weird way.

I mean, which is probably not very helpful to you. Quit. Give up. I guess I guess you should usually try to ape the spirit of the boss. And like, if she's not being serious about it, then you have no reason to take it super seriously either. I mean, I guess it's the best advice I give you, because that's just going to cause you're not going to be able to convince her to take up more seriously. It's her campaign.

Also, you run her Facebook and Twitter. You have the reins to her to her social, you know, face. So so you can take her hostage, basically, you can make her treat some really embarrassing shit if she if she plays you like a chump. Yeah, say, stop playing like a chump, moms. Nobody gives anybody respect. You've got to earn that shit. Yeah, on the street. Yep.

I guess what I'm saying is shiver. Yeah. Shiver. Challenge her mom to a fight in the exercise yard. Yeah. And take her old toothbrush in the ribs. The old sharpened toothbrush to the ribos. So Scotty stabbed your mom. Tucker rice. We're getting to reach out for and have to deal with the occasional douchebag

customer who thinks it's appropriate to yell and scream at me over policies to practices that aren't mine. Do you have any suggestions on tactics to respond to people like this? And do I and still keep my sense of self worth? I have a great suggestion for you, Tucker, from Gmail. Go fetal based on Ellen, you go fetal. And it's like, oh, what did I do? They won't know what they did.

And you're not going to tell them because you're fetal right now. And then and what do they have to do? Now they're concerned about your well being. They have to call over your boss. They say, look, I was this person with fetal. What were you doing? I was kind of yelling at him and stuff. Get out of my store. Wake, wake, wake up, Tucker.

It's OK. They're gone now. You you're fading, acting up again. Yeah, it is. You want to take the rest of the day off? Yeah, I think so. Boom. Go see Inception. That's thanks for yelling at me, D bag. I'll see you in the popcorn line. Yeah, that's it. Let's move on.

Yeah, go fetal. Uh, Benjamin asks via Gmail, dear McRoy clan, I'm nineteen and my girlfriend has just given birth to my first son, Alfie. Congratulations. My question is, how do I become fatherly? Well, I generally wear a dressing gown and slippers when lasing around and do enjoy where there's originals along with other boiled sweets. Do I need to start smoking a pipe or wearing a tweed jacket?

Benjamin, Benjamin, you jumped right over. You went straight to great grandfatherly, man. I often tell my kids about the war. Yeah, I make and put coconut oil on my legs to get rid of my varicose veins. What? You confuse that like your dad has to be the only trip to being a dad is to constantly let your child know that you could beat the shit out of them at any given moment. Your your old man has to be old man strong,

which means that your old man is stronger than you always. Sure. And that's both like physical strength and mental strength. Don't hit your kids, folks. That's all I'm saying. You need to make them live in constant fear that you will. Yeah. And that it'll hurt so bad because you're so strong. Right. I remember. I remember once playing board games with the family and dad beat clue

in one round, solve that shit, solve that game piece in one round. And that, to me, also is part of old man's strength. That idea of my dad is a is a genius. Yes, I was just thinking about leading a family revolt up to that point. And then dad shut the shit out. Alpha dog. I guess they're saying to be the alpha dog and don't you could also enjoy the one year that you've legally been allowed to vote.

Oh, but congratulations on your child. Also, Marier, come on, man. Yeah, I think put a ring on it. Put a ring on it. You clearly like it. I recently got a new girlfriend and this is reform string. And I've been trying to introduce my friends to her, a select few, all dudes seem to be acting as if she has to play or the plague or something. They don't want me coming over to their house with her anymore.

What the hell happened? Oh, Jesus, dude, she's terrible. Do you hear? Can we consider the possibility that she is legitimately bubonic? Oh, she got the boobs. No, I mean, I think she's on the new coolest description of a girl ever. Like bootylicious. Oh, yeah, that girl's bubonic. She's straight bubonic. Straight bubonic. You see the bubon's on her.

She's cold bubonic. I mean, if your girlfriend's wearing the mask of red death, you you probably well, first, you shouldn't be dating her, but you definitely shouldn't expose your friends to her. You know, what kind of friend? Friend, quote unquote, friend, I guess. So my friend friend with benefits, that benefit being the plague. Everyone, come come be around.

Come drink up the humors of my totally sick girlfriend. She's going. Yeah, my girlfriend, the outbreak monkey. Enjoy. Yeah. Yeah, she's bad. She's bad, not a good person. They they they you got a way against like one of two things that's happened. Either she is terrible or she makes you act like a terrible person

because they like you, right? And they know it's going to be awkward if they don't like your girlfriend. So one of those two things is happening. It's not it's not anything they're doing, I'm sure. So you really need to like examine it. Take it. Take a step back. Also, there's a chance she's stealing stuff. She might be stealing stuff from their house.

Why would she do that? So next time she picks up next time she picks up anything, anything, point at her face and yell thief as loud as you can. The see how she reacts. Yeah, you age it. If she's like if she like drops it and run, just sprints and throws herself through a glass window. You got it. You nailed her.

You got her. Good one. Yahoo answers user treetops. This is an important question. We rarely deal with matters of health on this show. So I think there's a going on. Treetops asks, is there an easier way to lose weight than this? In the description of this question, treetops has pasted a link to the music video for Rock Lobster.

They're an easier way of losing weight than doing Rock Lobster. No, no. The answer is clearly no. But I mean, the Adkins diet maybe, but that's a temporary that ketosis only lasts for so long. Rock Lobster, that's a deep burn. Deep burn, you will be reddened after that. Yeah, muscles and it breaks down all the fatty acids, the fatty layers

and they just fall off your body. I'm a big proponent of people. I feel like people are born into their sexual preference. But I'm pretty sure if you go from being a fat guy to a skinny guy because you work out to Rock Lobster constantly, that would make you gay. I am a hundred percent sure you will be gay after that. That will make you into a gay person. That's the only surefire way to switch it up.

I think I think to switch it back, you just have to see the expendables. British. Well, that could go one of two ways, I think. There's a lot of beefcake in that movie. Wow. Holy shit. It's like a beef bakery in there. It is like a beef bakery making sweet beef breads. Oh, delicious.

People often say that I look like Jack Black. Is that a good thing for spring? Nope. That's code. He's the one chubby guy in who they let me in movies. So I would rather get Jack Black than Jonah Hill. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true. But that's just but Jack Black sucks now.

Name one good good thing Jack Black has done in like the past five years. Year one comedy movie. Maybe you didn't see that was the worst thing I've ever seen. I couldn't finish that movie. It was terrible. I don't know. Have you seen the on your own version? On your own, yes. Yeah, I think I've seen that one.

It is better in Spanish. You really get the deep, deep subtext. The subtext being me, you're wasting your life on year one. Harold Ramis made me sad, made my heart tired. I would rather get Jack Black than Chris DeTan. You but you do get Chris DeTan. Not because you look at Chris DeTan, but with the beard, it's probably probably that's probably been lightened, right?

I actually, I got told the other day, I look like a grizzled Chris DeTan. Oh, no. Chris DeTan has been through some shit. Like Chris DeTan has. Oh, boy. He's been in some shit. I don't know if he's been through it. All I can think of somewhere. Chris DeTan is getting more and more attractive every day.

And more less grizzled. Yeah, as I become more grizzled, like a portrait of Dorian Gray kind of thing. Oh, Chris, you look. I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, we have some housekeeping. Of course, you can always contact our show. Griffin, tell them all the ways, all the many, many ways. They're all collected, amalgamated, if you will, on mbmbam.com.

But there's a link to our Form Spring page there. You can email us at mbmbam at gmail.com. You can tweet at us using the hashtag mbmbam or at mbmbam. You can call us at two zero three six two six two two six one or two zero three mbmbam one. You guys stop using all those numbers, I think. I think it's just going nobody's going to remember that. OK, two zero three mbmbam one.

Leave a clear message where you enunciate and leave your name and we'll read them on the show. And that's it. Make sure you download and subscribe to the show. Well, you've already downloaded it, obviously, but subscribe. And if you get a second, if you could leave a rating on iTunes or review, those really, really help us get get up on the the ratings, the rankings. You know, we just want to be number one or.

And so here's the exciting thing. The exciting thing is that you should. If not right this second, then then then. Almost certainly by the end of the day, you should be able to go to mbmbam.com and we're going to have a link there to to preorder t shirts. Yeah, yeah, we got two t shirts. Have I already described them? I feel like I'm going to get two t shirts.

I think they're like nineteen bucks. You can and double excels and triple excels cost like a buck more because it's a it's a fatty tax. Don't worry, and you can better yet, you can get ten percent off of the preorder if you use the special code Walnut. Check out. Can we whisper it? What? I think it's I think it's better if we whisper the secret code. Whisper the secret code. Don't tell me.

Walnut. Walnut. You yeah, you use that secret code and you'll get 10 percent off your preorder. These are I don't know how many more than the preorders we're going to make because we have no idea how many people are going to buy. So if you want one, get in it. And of course, it'll be a little while before we get the shirt to you because, you know, we're doing right now, right? So buy them.

Buy for your kids, your family members, your friends, people you don't like so much, try to make them cooler and and you can you can pick those we'll have a link our friends at ninja-bot.com are are sort of handling that for us. And you can if you have any questions beyond what we've said here, you can you can email store at ninja-bot.com and and you can ask them questions that you have. But those preorders, the link should be up on the site on our site in BNBAM.com. Our iPhone app isn't up yet.

Apparently, there's, you know, it's got to go through the Apple machine. So we'll let you know. And that's when they have to make sure that it's not just like a button and you press that button and then JPEG's a dicks pop. I got to get to the old dick JPEG test. So so that's the exciting stuff that's going on right now. So make sure you and, of course, your your your source for up to the date

information is always in BNBAM.com. Yeah. Yeah. Check out that web address. Check out that web address and get Twitter while you're at it. Follow us at NBAM.com. And thank you so much for listening. We hit 100,000 downloads last week. 100K. It's stunning.

It's gross. It's staggering. It's disgusting. I've never felt more important. I've started pushing people talking about the little guy. It's great. Boy, finally, the big shit. Well, let's fuck up. No. OK, maybe I should return that Lamborghini.

Our final question of today comes to us from William E. Who asks, does anyone remember a pseudofed medicine commercial that aired from 1992 to 1993 that shows a woman and her car? What did you think of it? Ha, ha, ha. I'm Justin McIlroy. I'm Travis McIlroy.

I'm Griffin McIlroy. This has been my brother and my brother. Get your dad where I'm from. You will never know me. I'm gonna give you something like a break today. I'm gonna give you something like a break today.