My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 15: The Armpit Hat

Episode Date: July 26, 2010

We need everyone to think back about all the good we've done with all our advice before giving this episode a listen. Remember? All that good? Great. Because this is the episode which will be responsible for our long, slow descent into hell. Hopefully we've got enough positive karma in the bank to weasel our way out of eternal damnation. Suggested talking points: Begrudging respect, altercations, on porousness, XYZ, getting Carl Sagan on it, car talk, don't get them digits, safe sex helmet

If you change your mind On the first in line On the arms feel free Take a chance on me If you need me Let it be now Gonna be around If you've got no place to go

When you're feeling down If you're all alone When the pretty birds have gone On the arms feel free Take a chance on me Take a chance on me But it feels better To put to bed

Let's rock. Can I be a questloaf in this scenario? Yeah, I think so. Travis, who do you want to be? I don't listen to country music. I have no idea what you're talking about. This is my brother and my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern era.

It is not a live Jay-Z concert, live from Times Square. I can understand why you might be confused. It possesses the same power and excitement and blue language, though. And we have the ability to sell out the garden in a day. We're like a young Marvin in his head. You know, don't worry about it. So this is not a Jay-Z concert.

It's my brother and my brother and me. If I show it for the modern era, we take your queries and now can we turn them into wisdom? Griffin, why don't you hit us with a question that we can advise someone on? Sure. We have to be a liar. An anonymous user on Formspring asks,

are you with my current girlfriend for around three months and feel more attracted to other women than to her? What would you advise I do? Wow. Do you need help with this one? Wow. How out of touch with your feelings are you? Three months ago.

I haven't seen my girlfriend in three weeks. Are we still together? I think what you need to do is definitely stay in that relationship for the next 10 to 20 years, maybe a year. Have a couple of kids with her. Number one. Number one, get her pregnant because I think that's going to really clear up a lot of the problems that you guys have

in your relationship. You know what? I always think someone's sexier. Responsibility. The three-month hump is when things really start to get long in the tooth. I think after three months, I don't think any relationship can really remain fresh.

Things start to go stale right around 10 weeks. You have to realize that that's an aspect that every relationship has to deal with. You can't beat yourself up is what Griffin's saying. When you stop being attracted to somebody, fight through it. Yeah. Get her pregnant and eventually you're going to find you have begrudging respect.

Yeah. Nothing is more attractive than begrudging respect. That's true. That's what Dad always said. That's sexy. That's how Russell Crowe got so far is that he's begrudgingly respectful of the women he meets and it's hypersexual.

And it's also important that you cheat on her as much as possible. Just seven, eight times a day as much as you can physically stand because that's good for her. It's not about you. She wants you to be happy and that'll make her happy. Yeah. If you love them, cheat on them.

And then if they come back to you, it's meant to be. That's like the old saying goes. By the way, this is one of those times where we're giving really bad fake advice. Yeah. Getting to follow it. Yeah. Let's give real advice.

Get out. Yeah. That's why we went with the fake advice first because the real advice is boring. Get out. Run. Take the money and run. Take the money and run.

But whatever you do, do not tell her what you just told us. Yeah. Don't end it like that. Listen. Honey, it's not me. It's you. You are not as attractive to me as other women are. Yeah.

This is for your own good. Yeah. I guess in that it is. Yeah. Don't blame yourself. Blame every other woman for being more attractive than you are. Unless.

For being sexy. Unless. Unless. The other women he's talking about are like Uma Thurman. Like, well, yeah, dude. Well, yeah, dude. Look at yourself in the mirror. Yeah.

Hey, maybe you should take inventory real quick. Like go look in the mirror. Is your grill whack? Are your pecs whaling? Like are you going to be able to get these girls that you're more attracted to? Like you need to really make sure you're in a mental state where you're like, that may be irrelevant.

Like that may not have any relation to what your, what your situation is. You may find other women attractive, but that doesn't mean like, like you really, some girls get paid to do that, right? To look attractive. Like professionally. This six and a half that you're with. Might be the best you can do.

Yeah. Unless you go whaling those pecs some more. Blast your core whale on your pecs. Get some peck juice. Confuse those muscles. And then you'll be ready to go. So I guess what we're saying is look at your life and then settle.

There we go. Settle. I think I need all of our advice boils down to that, that one central thesis. Just settle. Recently I was in a situation. This is from Ramsey via Gmail. Recently I was in a situation where I was provoked at a large

public sporting event. There was some unkind words exchange and I was asked to stand up and fight. I was certainly up for it after how annoying the guy was towards me. But given I was outnumbered surrounded by 50 police officers as well as being with a new peace loving friend. I decided to just grip my teeth and move away.

Yes, that's always the right answer. I'm about to turn 19. I've noticed that as I get older, I'm putting more of these types of situations, even when keeping to myself. So I ask you, should I man up and attempt to take out the next shmoe that goes off of me or should I continue to back off? Well Ramsey, us Macroysers are lovers, not fighters. We weren't really caught into violence.

Don't caught into it. Yeah, I've only been in one fight in my life and it was when someone cut in the four square line. I've told this story before and I spoke up and I got slapped in my face. It was such a powerful slap that I fell down to the ground. Ramsey, my advice is balance out your new peace loving friend with a really shit balls crazy friend.

Yeah. And that way you won't have to do anything. You can just sit there and look and be like, Frank, I don't know about this guy. And then there, Frank goes, set off like a match. Killing that dude. Yeah, Frank, this guy was looking at us weird. Yeah, you know what?

I don't really think usually. I think fighting is okay to defend like somebody you care about. But other than that, like, oh, who cares? You're only 19, so let me give you some guidance from somebody who's 29, who's got a decade on you. If you try to fight everybody who's an idiot, you are going to be exhausted because most people are stupid and deserve to have their faces punched in.

You just can't. You don't have enough punches in you for all the people that need to be literally fucking punched in the nose. Like hard until it breaks and the bone goes up in their brain and kills them instantly. Yeah. A lot of people need that treatment. You have to take solace in the fact that most of those people

are going to do the punching to themselves. Because when you get two egos in the same room like that and they're both drunk and violent wrecks, then they're going to mess each other up. They're going to take care of that problem themselves. It's a self-solving problem. That's why I love watching Jersey Shore. Right.

The problem is the solution. Never ever underestimate the power of being able to feel superior to that person. Yeah. Right. Because they want to hit you and you decide not to hit them. You just won. You won the fight without ever throwing a blow, my friend.

Sure. I like to do a little sexy harem girl dance. Yeah. Because think about that. Either you're going to diffuse the situation because he's going to get a chuckle and everybody will walk away friends. That's the ideal. Or, ultimately, he's going to slap you.

And then he'll be that guy that hit the dancing guy. Like, who wants to be friends with the guy that hit that guy who was just dancing? All he was doing was dancing. Expressing his love through motion. Also, don't go to sporting events. That might help. Yeah.

Can I tell you why I've never gotten in a fight for real? And you should really take note of this, Ramsey, because you're only 19. I was always afraid, like, the first fight I get into, like, it's going to get into fisty cuffs. And then someone's going to, like, punch me in my eye or, like, in my good eye and just pop it right out. And then I won't have an eye anymore.

Or, like, they'll punch me in my sweet, straight teeth and jack up my whole grill. And that'll be the end of it. And that'll be a thing I have to deal with for the rest of my life. Like, they'll punch me and then I'll have an Owen Wilson nose for the rest of my life, because it is one altercation. Do you know why I've never gotten in a fight? I was taking a stage combat class,

and the professor grabbed my wrist and held my fist up in the air and announced very loudly, does everyone see this? Travis McRoy has fists of iron. If he were to ever accidentally hit someone, he would kill them. So I've lived in fear that the first time I punch someone, you'll lock their eye out. I will just straight up kill them.

Well, Travis, you've been in more fights than all of us, because I remember one time in middle school there was an altercation where you beat the shit out of somebody with a trombone case. That is correct. Knocked him right on his ass. Good times, good times. Griffin's been claimed to fade, but just Griffin, stay away from people who are slap happy.

Like, they look like I'm going to slap somebody. You've got to get away from them. Who is that gentleman with the giant hands? I don't know, but I'm not going anywhere near him. What's up with Everlong over there? What's up with that? Are you especially top heavy? And I've never done this.

Four Spring asks, I need relationship advice on how to be more romantic. My wife states that I am not romantic, and I need ideas for how to do so. McRoy's, I need your help. You've come to the right place. Have you. Take her to a nice monster truck rally.

Spot lady is the secret. That's my advice. Stab a drifter. Are you talking about sexy, sexy romantic, or like romantic romantic, like I made dinner for you romantic. Making dinner is a classic.

Clean the house. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Do the dishes. I think that romance is not doing what somebody asks you to do, but doing what they want you to do. Because that, I think it's sort of the heart of romance, because that you,

it makes the woman or man feel like you know them really well. And that's the feeling that they want. Like you know them and still care enough to put the extra effort in. So do something that you think she wants you to do, but wouldn't ask you to do. If that's the butt, that's the butt.

It's completely up to you. Why don't you see if you can get James Taylor to write a song about her? There you go. We know James Taylor. Do a little harem girl dance. No, don't do that. Unless she's trying to fight with you.

Yeah, and it's like, whoa, what's up with this dancing guy? Kevin, you can make her hash browns. He doesn't like those. She may not, it might not be romantic, but she'll be full. You know what, and just every so often, buy her some flowers. Don't make it a big deal, don't be like, look what I did.

Just come back from work, hand over the flowers, say I love you, before you settle down to play video games for several hours. I don't care. It's mainly about putting effort in. That's what I would say. So if you put the effort in,

it doesn't really matter what you do. I mean, try to do the right thing, but it doesn't really matter. And you might get some A for effort. Ooh. Yeah. The answer is user LaLa asks, how do you get airbrushed,

poreless skin naturally? Is it possible? Is what mannequin's at. You need them pores, LaLa. Yeah, you definitely, definitely need the pores. I disagree. What you need to do is be beautiful. Sure, but

your skin is a porous membrane through which things need to move or else you'll die, right? No, that is so two thousand and late. In this day and age, what you need to do is get some surgery to have every pore individually removed. Have you seen Chad? He's got that non-porous surface.

They took a skin graft off the back of his thighs and just just filled in his holes. He sweats from his mouth, though. He sweats from his mouth like a dog, which is... Chad, are you drooling? No, don't be gauche. I don't have pores.

Um, part of me said, perhaps you didn't notice my smooth, mannequin-like skin. Excuse me, I see a water cup here. I don't see a sweat cup for the sweat pouring out of my mouth. It's quite warm in your establishment and I need a receptacle

for my mouth sweat. Where is your trough? Where do you keep your trough? Because I'm about to hit the tread. Pardon me, where's the spittoon? Where's your novelty western spittoon? Excuse me, the tone when I spit into your spittoon with my mouth sweat was A, and I prefer a nice B flat.

Could you have your spittoon, tuner? I'm beautiful, dammit. I'm beautiful, I deserve this. Have you guys heard about how fast Chad can swim? I guess he's just so aerodynamic. He just gets in the water and just That's what was going on with Michael Phelps.

He's trying to get high enough to convince himself to get his pores removed. Oh, lala. Go ahead and get those pores filled in because it sounds like something that would kill you. Yeah. Coat your face in Play-Doh, then when people ask if they can see your pores

and if they can't, then the day is yours. My question is, this is from Jared via Google Voice. I always forget to zip my fly and halfway through my day, I realized this. I was basically wondering what's the easiest way to zip it without anyone noticing. Oh, that's a good one.

Usually I like to pretend to read something on a wall. There's always things on walls. Just go read. I sound like Andy Rooney for a second. People are always putting things on walls. Have you noticed that? Have you noticed that? Why can't our walls just be wall-like?

Go pretend to read something on a wall. I think that's pretty smooth. I pretend to masturbate. Stand in the corner and pretend to masturbate. But face the corner. Don't face outwards. And every so often, turn your head and look over

your shoulder and make eye contact with someone. This one's for you, Dave. Zip it up and announce loudly. Andy shows over. You're gonna work out pretty good. X, Y, Z. Check it. Check it. Curtain's going up.

In the back one. In the back one. It's in the back seat of my Dotson act, too. Check it out. The 11 o'clock show is totally different from The Seven Ladies. You know what I mean? I think you do. I do about a clingy friend

who likes my company way more than I do hers. She's proclaimed us besties without any encouragement from me. And she comments on every tweet despite not getting most of them. I don't get why this is funny. Silly me, LOLs.

She's just terrible. My question is, first of all, no one needs to comment on tweets. Like, I get it. Don't do that. I tweet you specifically sometimes. I'm not going to tell you your tweets are funny. Just last week,

I tweeted you about that Ferris Bueller being similar to Fight Club and you didn't even respond. No, I'm a terrible brother because I read that and it's the funniest thing I've ever read. And, honestly, it made me think. It made you grow.

We're not helping them. We're helping each other. This is... Gosh. The hard thing about this is that you're not going to suddenly start liking this person more. Sure.

Also, she probably wants to be more than besties. Whoa, you think it's the apocalypse rare in its head. Oh, is it a lady? Is the lady asking this question? I assume so.

See, you don't know. I think that the tough spot about this is that I think relationships like this are much easier. This sounds like somebody who's maybe in high school or college. These relationships are much easier to navigate when you're an adult.

Because you just don't see them. It's irrelevant. It doesn't matter if they're your besties or not. I think for the moment, though, all you can do is just sort of you know, there's no easy way to back off of it. You don't have to cut the cord.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you're actually kind of like this person. You describe her as a friend. So it's not like this person, I hate things who are friends. So that makes it tricky because if you hate them, you can just straight up be like, hey, I hate you. The best thing you can hope for

is that it's like buying a pair of uncomfortable shoes and eventually it'll get broken in and be a little bit more comfortable but you're never going to love them. By that point, the shoes are going to be old and so you just throw them away. Yeah, old shoes. Honestly, you should really think to yourself

how much is this impacting your life. If they're commenting on your Twitter, whatever, sometimes it's worth it to have somebody who's in your corner that hard, even if sometimes they get on your nerves. Chances are she doesn't have a lot of friends. Just play it cool.

Play it cool but set boundaries and let her know that you can't spend every waking moment with her. Dear M-B-M-B-A-N. Okay. Did we have a... Nani, our grandmother. Dear my brother, my brother and Nani,

what's the best way to tell my girlfriend that she should shave her armpits more often? I'm afraid to hurt her feelings but her stubbles kind of gross me out. Her stubbles? Her stubbles. I've named each one. Her stubbles.

Why are you so into her stubble? Can I tell you something? I've been married for, I don't know, some years. Here's not a good way. There's no best way. There's only the worst way, which is to do it at all.

I just came up with the best way. Oh, God. I know what you're going to say. Go ahead and shave your own armpits. Super clean. Feel how smooth that is, isn't that nice? Isn't that a nice feeling on your hands? I love that.

Have you considered shaving her armpits while she's sleeping? I was thinking about that. Or along those same lines, maybe when you're taking a shower together, say it would be such a turn on if you would let me shave your underarms and then do it every morning.

Oh, yeah, that's good. And say things like I read about this on the internet. I heard about this in Cosmo. The scrape of the razor against your poreless armpits. The only way you can navigate this well

from Spring is to not make it seem as though it's all about your phrasing. It can't be that her stubble grosses you out. It has to be that smooth underarms turn you on. Yeah. Be a decision she makes for you.

Yes, next time she shaves underneath her arms, say, oh my god, it's so hot, so sexy to me when your underarms are shaved. Now, be careful. Because if you push it too hard, she's going to start thinking you're some kind of armpit weirdo. Say, okay, you've got to say first then,

honey, I'm not an armpit weirdo. I'm not one of those pitties you read about on the internet. Yeah, if she does shave her armpits, don't just go up there and say, let me see them, and then say and then say, closer.

Shave closer next time against the gray. Well, Gryffin is saying, definitely, definitely don't do that. Don't look at armpits and say, I want to be in there. Yeah. Hey, looking good. I'd like to be in there. I'd like to be in your under your arms.

I'd like to be underneath there. Can I live in there? I'd like to be in there. Just let me hang out in there. And then wear her armpit like a hat. All day. Okay. Honey, I'm ready to go to sleep now.

Can you stop wearing my underarm as a hat? Should I get my, this is from Anna. Anna says, should I get my knuckles tattooed? I really want to do it, but my mom hates the idea and thinks people will view me poorly for the rest of my life if I do. Well, I told my husband I was thinking about not doing it,

and he started making chicken noises. My tattoo artist friend drew it on for me in Sharpie so I could see how it would look and live with it for a day. I loved it. I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings, but you only live once, right? Anna. Well, that depends, Anna. This, she attached a picture

of it drawn on to her knuckles, and it said Earl Grey. Ooh. Which is the best thing I've ever seen. That's kind of fresh. That is pretty fresh. And she is a burlesque knife thrower. Yeah, Anna, that's fresh.

I'm sorry. Here's the best rationale that I've ever heard about tattoos. It really, it puts it all in perspective. I saw, it's actually when I went to get my first tattoo, I saw an article that somebody had written on that particular tattoo parlor in the local paper.

And the tattoo artist said, people always tell me, would you want that on your hand when you're an old man? And I always say, if I'm an old man and my biggest concern is whether or not I have a tattoo, I've lived a pretty good life.

It's like, yeah, okay, that makes a lot of sense. Um, I mean, and if you're a burlesque dancer, I think a burlesque knife thrower. Burlesque knife thrower. I imagine there's some dancing involved in that, though. Probably. Um, yeah, just go for it.

Just go for it. Who cares? It makes you a more interesting person. And I really think that in this, it doesn't make you, I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. It's something you want to do, and if it's that important to you that you're willing to do it, you're not going to like suddenly hate it.

It's part of your character. As long as it's something that if somebody like pointed out and said, hey, that's cool, and like you had a story behind it, something that's really important to you, always do stuff that is important to you. And unless your husband is awesome for doing chicken noises because you didn't want to get a tattoo

on your hands. I would also say, Anna, that before you do it, you need to come up with an excuse, a reasoning for it that you give to commoners. I think that you need to have two excuses for every tattoo. One that you give to cool people that why the tattoo is cool

and one that you give to lame people. Like, we all have these Zelda tattoos. And cool people, I tell it's a Zelda tattoo. And people I don't give a shit about, I tell them it's tribal. I say it's a gypsy. You say it's a gypsy? I say it's Masonic.

That's so weird. Do you want that? My pineapple tattoo, I just, when people ask me about it and I don't want to tell them, I just say I'm really into pineapples right now. I let them fill in their own stories. People vastly overestimate how much time everybody else spends thinking

about them. If you want it, you get it. You only go around once. So, I have a short series of three yahoo questions that are related. So, I figured we could knock them all out really quick in like a short segment. It's just about,

you know, it's about the universe. You know, it's about the universe. It's about space. It's about man's journey into space. And I was thinking it would be nice for us to just take a moment and just get all Carl Sagan on this shit. Let's do it. Take me on a journey, Griffin.

Question one. What are the stars in outer space? What they're made of? What they look like? This one's reasonable. It's from Jeffrey Pet. So, I'm figuring he's a younger person. Jeffrey, if you really want to know the answer to this, I would suggest listening to they might be giants

classic. Why does the sun shine? I feel like it fills in a lot of the blanks that you don't seem to understand. But most of it is untrue. So, listen to the new one off of their CD, Here Comes Science.

On our point, the stars are made up of the souls of our ancestors. And also the devil. The sun shines because the devil lives in it. That's correct. Okay, so that's question one. Question two. Is the universe really inflating?

Or are we shrinking? I don't understand the inflating expanding universe concept. If you're inside of something in this case, I think all of the scientists are inside of the universe. Can you really tell that this thing, the universe is expanding? Well, maybe the universe is not getting larger, but we, humans, planets, etc.,

are getting smaller. I think that the only thing we can surely say is the universe is getting larger with respect to us. PS1, sorry for the bad English. PS2, I'm not very advanced in physics, so I can be wrong in some manners. Please warn me if I'm doing a big mistake. I like that.

What if Galileo had dropped that one? Listen, this is just me. I'm just spitballing here. This is just me. PS2, I have no idea what I'm talking about, so don't listen to old Galileo. You guys pooed my whole son thing, but check this shit out.

We're shrinking. What do you think? Just putting it out there, don't really know. I'll be honest, I've been having this feeling in my core lately, and I can't describe it. It's just kind of like a weird sensation, and I think it might be because we're all shrinking

in unison. None of us know where we're shrinking because we're all shrinking. You remember that scene in Men in Black right at the end, when it turns out the whole kitten caboodle is just in a big intergalactic marble game? Uh-huh, think about it. Oh, shit. Shit.

Man, I'm supposed to laugh at Yahoo questions, not get freaked out by them. I gotta go. Question three, the final question of the series. What was traditionally done to prevent mind control by space elves? He's not saying how do you do it today. He's saying like, how are you going to do it

when people laugh at you? Old Wild West remedies for mind control by space elves. There had to be some sort of tincture that Settlers used. You know, Genghis Khan used to use this exact same thing. They used to rub an urgent on their babies so that the space elves couldn't take over

their poor baby minds. They used to rub an urgent on their babies so that the space elves couldn't take over their poor baby minds. Khan used to make a poultice out of lotus flowers and honey, and he would rub that on his mustache.

Everyone knows that space elves can't get through opium. It's true. Because they get too high, and then they freak out. So cover your babies in sweet, sweet opium. I just refreshed it, and there's some additional details that say, come on, I'm not joking.

They're from Venus, and they are gross. I feel like people are trying to bait you now. They're trying to get you specifically to look at their questions. That's entirely possible. That's the most roundabout thing in the world though. I'm going to post a question on this website, so hopefully

Griffin McRoy looks at it. I mean, if that was this guy's goal, he succeeded. My problem is, is his problem with these space elves, is it that they're trying to control his mind, or that they're gross, and he'd rather not be around them? I do not agree

with them politically. I don't like their stance on immigration. So, here's a good one. I recently got a sweet new ride. I've heard that cars are like chick magnets. The problem is, when I'm having a conversation with a girl,

it's rarely in my car. Conversations happen in buildings. How do I leverage my new car into getting girls? Does this involve using terms like chick magnet and sweet ride unironically? Simple answer, drive your car into the building. Hey, ladies. Billy Joel gets more

tang than anybody on the planet. Yeah. Sorry about your fracture, but check these out. Look at these rims that are on top of your leg. Can you see them? Yeah, it's got a hemi. It's crushing my ocular cavity.

I've got a pretty good look at it. So, kill girls with it, that's one. Two, get white spray paint and write the word taxi on your car. And then wait outside of crowded buildings. That should work. Write it crudely though

in like a Little Rascals font. With a backward A. Make the X backward. A backward A. Yeah, and taxi. Okay. I was thinking lowercase. Okay, that makes more sense. Thank you. A backward X. Separate I.

I think what you need to do is start practicing this line. Can I buy you a drink? And would you like to share it with me inside my car? A bartender. This lady and I are really hitting it off. Can we get to GoCups? A traveler. Can I get a travel off?

Do you have sippy cups? Because I don't want to spill in my new car because it is very nice. Could I get a lid for this MGD64 please? How about a nipple? Have a nipple that I could use. I like how he doesn't... He says that cars like this are chick magnets.

But he doesn't say exactly what kind of car he owns. Because I think we would better be able to advise him. If he's like, Oh, I've got myself a 2005 PT cruiser. Let's do it. The other option is, and I think this is a little more outside the box,

but have you considered acting like a car to try to steer conversations in that way? If you ever walk up to a girl and say, hey, vroom vroom, open my door. I've got a car. If they're impressed by that, then I think you're halfway home.

Have you thought about maybe an airbrushed t-shirt? Oh, an airbrushed t-shirt. I have a car. It's pretty sweet. MA apostrophe car. And it's a picture of you. And then just an ironed-on picture of your car. It's a picture of you sitting on the hood of your car

making out with a girl. Only the girl doesn't have a face. It just says your face here on it. Yeah, and make sure it's not a mannequin because girls have a pretty good sense of that. They can see the pores. So I think all those are really good suggestions. I think we've pretty much hit the nail on the head.

Hello, brothers. I just had a quick question for you guys. I'm sorry if this makes me seem insecure, but is it bad if I don't want to date a girl because she has too many male friends? Thanks, Kirk. Thanks, Kirk. Kirk.

I'm not trying to, you know, hate on Kirk, but he did spell to T-W-O which makes me think she has two male friends and that's too many for Kirk's liking. Shit, maybe he just forgot the T-O-O

so she has two too many. Listen, if you lose two male friends, you would be right in the zone. I think we need to balance out. I've got eight and you've got ten. So get rid of those two. I don't like John and I don't like Stephen. You could have one way to get to Kirk.

Kirk, you would. If you just dropped two of those zeroes, you could get with the champ, Kirk. Or give me one of them and then we'll both have nine and then we'll go straight to Kirkland. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kirk, if you make those guys your friends, then you just have a large circle of friends.

That is correct. Problem solved. Or every time you see one of them, just ask, hey, you two banging? Make sure it's in front of her though so she knows that you know what's up.

And also, it'll make her feel special and loved and wanted. Yeah, fight for her. Every time you see any one of her friends, punch them. You need a guy. Justin was joking, but it's a scientific fact that her and all of her male friends

have either had sex at some point or they were awfully close. Yeah, that's just science. That's just scientific fact. There was homecoming, both their dates stood them up. They came really, really close. They at least got the third base and they were rounding home when his dad walked in.

MB, MBAM. This is a different sort of question for us. MB, MBAM, when a girl you've just met is fully expecting you to get her number but you don't like her like that, is it better to avoid the issue or to get those digits without any intention of calling? This is why I carry around.

No, this one. A big pouch of smoke bombs with me everywhere I go because you drop one of those and then you dive through the nearest window and then the situation's averted. Or tell her you're going to call then pack your bags and move right away. Move to some

rural neighborhood in Utah where there's no service. You could do that classic like, listen, I'm worried that this is going really good but I'm worried it's not meant to be. I'm going to put my phone number

in a copy of Love the Time of Cholera like in Serendipity and then I'm going to sell it to a used bookstore. But actually just burn it. And they just burn it. So it's like romantic but in the same way you're never going to have to see her again.

Or just start talking shit about phones. Just like halfway through your convo just like all those buttons. How about using my phone? There are no buttons. It's virtual buttons. They're even worse. If she takes out a phone, make like a yuck face. Or just slap it out of her hand.

She uses phones in this day and age. It's all about mental powers. Yeah, you could break her phone. Yeah, sure. Let me just put it right in. Oh, no. These big stupid strong hands of mine. I studied under David Blaine for a few years. So give me your phone and I'm going to dunk it in this glass of water.

And then when she looks at you you just say ta-da! Here we go, Sploosh! Mindfreak! I just convince you to give me your phone. Mindfreak! I'm a girl. I'm not. I'm a girl who plays Xbox games like Halo

and Modern Warfare 2 and Mindfreak. I need a lot of great people this way but there are always a few who think because I'm a girl I should be making them a sandwich instead of playing. What is the best way to deal with these guys? Also Tristan, the Marine got me hooked on you guys so thank him for introducing me to such an awesome show.

Tristan is Tristan the Marine. Not only protecting our nation, protecting us, swooping Osama's Poon he is expanding our audience. He's evangelizing. He's protecting us from the far worse threat of people not listening to our show.

That's way worse than Osama. Thank you Tristan. Thank you Tristan for your service So Rachel the only surefire way is to talk like this and people think you're a monster like a scary monster

and they won't ask you for anything. Talk like this. And yell things like I will come through the TV and kill you. Yeah. Or get a deep voice man to do it. We used to play a game where I would

I think would be on the microphone just talking to people while we played Modern Warfare or Halo and then we would grab the mic away either Justin or I and yell at them that we were going to come murder them. Yeah, that was fun. Have you considered

how would you even get the sandwich to them? Yeah. Start asking them a really detailed question about the sandwich. Ask them for a FedEx account number and like any food allergies

anything you need to know preferred deli meat get their address and put it right on the internet and then just watch 4chan go. I think you've got to really beat them like you've really got to be better than they are in Halo and Modern Warfare 2. That's I think a surefire way

because then you can be like that's right I'm a girl and I just beat you. This is me humping your face. This is me humping your face. They are going to like that. Yeah. Or you can trick them

sexually harassing you and then report them. That works good. I like that. Yahoo Answers user smiley face. It's just a smiley face to Modicon. Okay. Asks Do guys like Peter Griffin get laid in real life?

In terms of characteristics i.e. fat retard What? I could draw you a bit. I could paint a picture of the person asking this question and I would be like like like like

sketch artist level accurate. Like you can put up a wanted post at this bitch and you'd be like that guy. Oh that's that guy question. Justin knows exactly what he looks like. No. No.

Well they have to pay for it. Yes. Okay. In that instance they don't get married to you know. If you if you mean like they're fat and like if you mean okay fat fat if they're retarded if you're using that as a pejorative

if you're saying like oh you're so retarded then no. If they're clinically retarded then yes those services are provided by the government. Your tax dollars work. I'm sorry can we stop the show really quick. Are you describing hookers that the government pays for

to sleep with retarded people. You're talking about you're talking about hookers. On this inside track in DC is this a new thing? Is this been going on for a while? You're talking about hookers that are partitioned for retarded people to sleep with on the government

side. My tax dollars. Right. You get a helmet. They provide you with a helmet. For the for who? Exactly. For the hooker. Okay. There's usually there's usually model planes

and light dangling from their ceilings. So the helmet. And also the strength. Yeah the strength. It's hard for this is the worst thing we've ever said on the show. It's hard for a mentally handicapped person to get

aroused without giving someone a bonk on the head. Just a bonk. Just like one bonk. Just one of the brain deaths. Give them the old sex bonk. They give them an old windmill chop right to the crown. A lot of people

don't know this but that's actually how new retarded people are created. It's a hooker having sex with a retarded person who gives a bonk on the head until they themselves are retarded and then they have to then they are then the government has to get a norm

male to have sex with that hooker and the cycle continues. Can we move on? Please dear god. You're definitely going to edit this out right? No. You do have to promise me you'll edit this out. Kenneth. I like it. Kenneth on Gmail asks my question

however is how old is too old to think you might have developed superpowers? I ripped a metal door off its hinges at work and thought okay this might be it. Super strength. I tried to lift something ridiculously heavy and no jive. Just a broken door I guess. Do you guys do this? And when is too old?

Straight up Kenneth. You do have a superpower but it only works on doors. Some doors. Some doors. Not all doors. Some doors. Broken doors. You already have super good taste in podcasts. Is that a superpower?

No. Justin if you were to have a superpower based off of your everyday life what do you think it would be? If you were to all of a sudden realize oh my god this is a superpower. I would want to have a super ability to be able to tell people

if they were too old to have developed superpowers. I don't think that that's shooting too high and I think that it would be really useful because I could really ruin people's days. I could walk past them and be like too old. Mine is I can tell what people's shoe sizes are

by the sound of their voice. Jared who called in Google Voice he was a 10 and a half. Wow that's incredible. That's amazing. How do you do that? I don't know size 13. Oh my god. I can do the same thing

but only when that voice is telling me what size shoes they purchased. Then I'm pretty good at that. And that they purchased the shoes for themselves. I'm like 50-50 because the listening thing the comprehension just isn't there. I want to hear Griffin's last question because it's always a humdinger

but first I want to tell you about all kinds of exciting things. First off we have one more week of pre-orders for my brother and my brother and me t-shirts you can find those at if you go to mbmbam.com and you click buy stuff

one more and again we don't know how many of those we're going to make they're soft they look comfortable. Do we know that they're soft? Have we felt these shirts before? I have been assured that they are soft.

What if they're like pine cone rough? What if they're scaled? What if they're scaly? What if they're actually nail scaly? Yes. That's an added benefit isn't it? Maybe they'll be baby soft or they'll be protective.

I think that if you want a different style of t-shirt a lot of people have asked me they want t-shirts that say my walnut is a temple or they say

some people have wanted a lube bag that shirt if these do well we might do a second run with different shirts but these are the two on offer for right now so that's that

ok so we've also got an iphone ipod app it is my brother and my brother and me the app experience you search for it on iTunes and we're going to put

a link up under the buy stuff section as soon as the show is over so you can go there and get it if you want it What's all involved in that app experience? What's all involved? Well you got access to every show every episode

you can download art from the shows and use them as wallpapers you got that you can you can get some extras

there's at least one extra we're going to have some bonus content up there we have one little audio clip right now that I put up it won't be anything too big because we know a lot of people don't have iPhones and we don't want to make everybody

feel left out but we do want to do a little something for the people that spent it though the one that's up there though is super funny I thought it was super funny you had me rolling dog you had me straight rolling rolling rolling rolling rolling rolling rolling

so that's up there and the newest episode will always be there it's on that app and I hear background downloading is coming soon a lot of people have been asking me about an android app it seriously is so out of our hands it's just a service that lives in

our podcast provider provides so totally up to them whether or not you will be able to get down on android eventually we have like no control over this the app or the empire really the empire really or the

t-shirts we're not doing those either we're just we're just three brothers we're just three real brothers who give out advice on the internet everybody else you know makes them live in a giant mansion also on the app there's a

links to our facebook and a button to call us and a button to visit our website and a button to email us so all those like questions seeking options are there at your fingertips I'm gonna rattle off all of our contact info now oh do it

email us mbmbam at gmail.com with your questions you can go to formspring which I believe is formspring.me slash mbmbam you can tweet at us on twitter using the hashtag

mbmbam or at mbmbam and you can call us at 2-0-3 mbmbam-1 we didn't get a lot of calls this week I think we only got one I think people are nervous to call us plus we mocked them very very hard last week

just call and say hey we're not gonna answer if that's what you're worried about it's just a voicemail we can't answer so just call and leave a message and you know we want to hear your voices we've seen your words we want to hear them with our ears also this week we were chastised

because apparently we've been ignoring our zoom users that's not true I don't know how zoom works what does zoom do I use a zoom and I just want all the zoom users out there to know that you know we support you guys there's a link to the rss feed on there

are they thinking about zubyly zoo yes zubymythu what is it that's right you know I'm gonna give away a code for the podcast a free code

to download the app no I'm gonna give it to somebody pick somebody at random who tweets a link to our apps page you just go into itunes right click on the

app or you can search for it on the internet whatever I love the sick of the nature of this giveaway yeah I know and you do that and you can get a free code I'm gonna pick somebody at random to get one our final question of the day

comes us from yahoo answers user material which is spelled wrong who asks where can I find a plastic spatula for my george form and grill how am I supposed to break to this I'm just a macaroy

I'm travis macaroy I'm griffin macaroy this has been my brother my brother and me guess your dad square on the left you will never know me you you

you you you you you you you you