My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 218: Kelly Rrrrrrripa

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

Here comes another genuine McElroy smoke stunt! We're doing so many cool things with drugs over here! You'll never guess what kind of stunts we can do with these kind nugs! Suggested Talking Points: Summer of Taco Necks, Daddy's Pasta Hour, 4 Lyfe TP, Teacher Fusion, Krampus Poison, Halloween Baby Scam, Plasma Bong Rips

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother. My brother meaning advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle is brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your baby, Griffin. What's up, everybody? Today is September 21st, and you know what that means. It's the first day of fall.

I thought Labor Day was the first day of fall. Or the last day of summer. Okay, today is Monday. Uh-huh. No, today is Sunday. You listen to me, you know account weakling. I'm telling you today is Monday, the last day of summer. I'm soaking up good vibrations to try to really drink it in. Was that a mashup of good vibrations and Cheryl Crows soak up the sun? Want to soak up the sun? It's rainy here, though. There's no sun on my last day of summer. Guys, how was your summer? Ooh, what I did on my summer vacation. I can't wait to get back to school. See all my friends and do some homework. I miss my teachers.

Okay, Travis is eight. Griffin, what's your thing that you have? I went to Schlitterbond and I didn't get a UTI. Yay. That's how the theme song goes. We're going to Schlitterbond. And we're probably not going to get a disease in our urethras from the water. What's Schlitterbond? Schlitterbond is the world's greatest water amusement part. They have all the water amusement that you could ever want. Fountains, slides, pools, troughs, did I say fountains? How lazy is the river? They're not stagnant puddles. Let's talk about crazy rivers. They're like lazy rivers, but with waves. Don't want that. That's defeating the whole bunch. That's not thoughtful. I had a baby this summer, so I spent the entirety

of Nature's Bounty of Sunlight watching Canadian Dragonstone on YouTube. You need to tell them how the baby not been present. You would have watched American Dragonstone. Because we both would have been drunk. That would have been different. Now only one of you can be drunk at a time. You got a tag team. Is that how it works? I actually watched all eight seasons of Canadian Dragonstone on YouTube. They're all on YouTube. Here's the weirdest thing. There's one episode where it is inexplicably the only version of this one episode on YouTube is tilted 45 degrees. The whole episode is at a 45-degree tilt. Damn, if we didn't sit there with our heads slightly askew and watch that. You don't want to miss an

episode. You'll be lost in the past. You just got to make sure you don't get taco next, syndrome. Fuck. I did get... I haven't been meaning to talk to you guys about this and I haven't been able to find a good way to start this dialogue with you two because it's always hard when you go through something like this. But this summer I did develop a terminal case of taco neck syndrome. Oh god, Griffin. I'm so sorry. I miss Griffin so much. I miss Griffin so much, but he died as he lived eating tacos the right way. Extremely. Bring your head to the taco, not the taco to your head. That's what I always say. He was the zestiest man I knew. He was so zest...

You guys remember that commercial where they gave... I can't. Do you remember? This is my dying wish. This is my fucking dying wish. Do you guys remember that commercial where Shaq ate the tacos and it made him good at free throws? Why did they go and hit his car horn at the end of that joke? I think his head fell onto it. I think. I really have no way of knowing. So this is my brother, my brother, me. As you've certainly surmised, it's a comedy advice program where you sit in questions to ibnbm at maximumfun.org. Can I start the advice? Just with a little bit of unsolicited stuff. You got to meet the taco halfway because you either come at it straight down

in a vertical line and you orient yourself like that. But I don't know about you guys. My mouth opens from side to side, not from top to bottom like that one monster from Beetlejuice. But if you go full 45 degrees and you're going to get taco neck syndrome, you got to meet it in the middle, something like 22.5. Here's our first question. Hello, brothers. Remember when Olive Garden had their never-ending pasta-pasta ration and you could pay $100 for seven weeks of free pasta and you did it as a goof because they were only selling $1,000 and you thought it would be kind of prestigious but also kind of funny. Well, life called your bluff and you actually received the pasta pass

this week. I did and I don't know what to do with it now. It's literally just sitting here in my hand and I'm turning it over like a loaded gun. Is it heavy? It's heavier than it's classic. Heavy with the weight of decisions? Yeah, it's heavy with the weight of decisions. Anyway, this one comes to us from, what do I do in West Virginia? I think you know exactly what you need to do. I really don't, guys. Today, I got my never-ending pasta pass. It's got my name written. Here's the parameters of this question that I am legitimately in need of advice. I paid $100 for this pasta pass because I thought it would be funny. It sounds like you're coming to us a little bit late for the advice. That ship has sailed. Now, the advice I need is I have

a never-ending pasta pass. Here are the stipulations. I can have pasta whenever I want for the next seven weeks. Well, okay. And Coca-Cola products from my same table guests. So, I guess a few things. I'm like reading between the lines here but I'm assuming- The card has my name on it. I'm assuming you have to go to the Olive Garden to get the pasta. Visibly enter Olive Garden. Okay. Do you think that if you don't go- This promotion starts, my seven weeks starts tomorrow. Do you think if you don't go in the first three or four weeks, they'll call you and be like, hey, are you okay? You bought one of the six pasta passes we sold and we haven't seen you. Did you just do it as a goofy son of a bitch? We've just been throwing

away, sweet fajol. There are people who would have died to get that pasta pass. Do you think they're making an extra portion just for me every day? I'm looking out the window, wistfully. He'll come. He'll come. True or false? They only sold a thousand of these. If I show up at my local Olive Garden, they are going to treat me like a big deal. True or false? True. True. Yeah, I think. Well, I don't know because how many were made? A thousand? A thousand. I would wager that maybe 680 of those were purchased in West Virginia. But they were sold on the internet. So, most of those people were using Prodigy to do it. They were trying to find the right keyword. Well, they went to the library.

They went to the library and they got either a pasta. Economic destitution is funny, right? We're still laughing about that. Well, now it's not. Sorry. God. Okay, real questions. Go eat. Here, go eat as much as possible. No, really need to know. Okay, here's the thing. I have a child. That's another thing to know. So, like going to dinner is really not a thing that is easy for me right now. If I don't use it seven times, I wasted money. What do I do? You got it? Okay, you got to go at like three o'clock in the afternoon without wife or kid. Just like pop in real quick for quick pasta figs. Hey, Justin. Hey, just can I just get some pasta real quick? Table for Uno. Table for Uno. You are, you are, you got to conflate these issues

because you're saying you having a child is going to keep you from going to Olive Garden. I say you call that daddy's pasta hour. You dip out at three, you get back at four, and you have just a little bit of visual every day. If you have a little bit of visual every day, then it can't hurt you. You'll be a knock to it. So, how do you think, when you say Griffin, when you say pop out for daddy's pasta hour from three to four, how do you think babies work exactly? Do you think you say to the baby, baby, cool your heels, cool your jets, baby? Are you good here? Are we back in an hour? Are we all good here? I'm going to be right back. Do you really think your baby won't fucking kick it for like an hour? Welcome to therapy. So, what would you like to

talk about today, Chuck? Well, one day my dad left for Boston. And by one day, I mean every day for seven months. The first year of my life, I lived with the fact that my dad loved Boston more than me. Yesterday, we were over at Sydney's parents, and we were going to put Charlie into the pool for the first time. She'd never been in the pool. And I left for a few minutes, and when I came back, she had already gotten in the pool, and I missed her first time getting into a pool. I was moderately upset. I was like, oh man, that's too bad. I missed that. But the reason it really bothered me is because I was at the liquor store at the time. I told Sydney, it's like, you have to understand, if you're going to make me miss something,

that's fine. Just please don't let it be while I'm at the liquor store. That is the least cool look I can have. But if you miss baby's first steps and baby's first words, because you are fucking slamming Fajul, you are challenging a bowl of pasta Fajul. Listen, if I'm at the liquor store, I want that baby in cryo. I don't want her doing anything. And if I'm at daddy's pasta hour, I need that baby in stasis. I can't have her doing anything of note or word. You say that now, but you get back, and you're all blissed out. You got the butter sweats, you come home, you're like, you missed it. She went to college and you'd be like, cool, check out what I did. And then you just grab your belly and you just do a little dance.

Look what I taught my tummy. Look what my tummy did. My tummy did its first words too. You think I'm jealous of that kid? My name's Toby Yummy Belly. It's full of pasta. Don't worry. We are all of garden now. What did it say? We are all of garden now. Become part of the family. Do you think it would be worth just once ordering my free bowl of pasta, waiting till they bring it and then just up turning the plate on the floor and walking it? That is just once. I don't think you'd be the only card holder to do that. Next question. Real one. Come on. We've been jerking ourselves off here.

Is it weird to buy toilet paper and needed help? You guys are useless. Is it weird to buy toilet paper? By the way, if you want to see the pasta pass, I unboxed it on our YouTube channel. It was actually fascinating. I accidentally watched the whole thing. It's like youtube.com slash nbmba. I'm something like that. Will that work? I don't know. It will work. Go there. Some nail didn't grab me. 3,000 of you dipshits have already come join the party. Come join the pasta party, you stupid fuzz. I love you. Needle up. Is it weird to buy toilet paper in bulk? My husband refuses to buy it or be seen with me when I buy toilet paper because I prefer to buy a 24 pack instead of a four or six pack

because it's cheaper and something will always, I assume, need. You assume. I assume. Oh God. Roger, my butthole is just gone. Sweet. We don't need. Roger, leaves got really soft all of a sudden. My husband is very embarrassed by my large toilet paper purchases and believes other people will judge us and find us weird for the large purchase. Is it a legitimate concern? Is it worth sacrificing the extra dollars and time husband shopping more regularly for TP to avoid having other people think I must poop a lot? That's from cabinets full of toilet paper interim. When I see that at the grocery store and don't get it twisted, when you buy a 24 pack of Charmin at the grocery store, that's all that's going in your cart. That's problem number one.

But when I see that, when I expose to that, I just think like, you've got a lot of shitting. Hold on. But what's the worried implication then? Someone sees you pick up a 24 pack of toilet paper and they're like, oh, lose butthole. Like what's the judgment? I'm saying that there should be a stigma. And I'm saying like when you go to the, when you go to a fucking Walgreens and you pick up a pack of rubbers or Jimmy hats or whatever the fuck we call them now. Jazz raincoats. Or you buy them, you don't put them on in the store, although they should let you do that because it's not a one size fits all thing, no matter how much you fucking tell you that. It's not a one size fits all thing. And the case, the thing is once you get them home and open them, they don't let

you return them. They don't let you return them, especially once after you've used them. You have to Google condom sizes, like some sort of cave man. But anyway, when you go to CVS, you say, let me get all in centimeters, you go to CVS. And you say, let me get a pack of smokes. And they say we don't sell those anymore. And you say, fuck, let me get some Jimmy hats instead then. And you feel embarrassed about the Jimmy hats because they know that your dick's going in that. And they know that your detritus is probably going in that too. And that's gross and you're embarrassed. But you buy toilet paper like, oh, he's doing some pooping. Yeah, cool, cool, cool. And it's not a thing. I think that you should apply the same level of discretion to TP that you do

to condoms and diaphragms and nuvarins. I feel like I mentioned this before, but I can't help apply narrative when I'm buying toilet paper. I always feel like the implication is whatever I'm buying with that toilet paper is going to make me poop. I feel like if I'm buying like, if I'm buying like a Heath Mawr and some toilet paper, I think the short story. That's a big day point. Heath Mawr and it's going to give me diarrhea. So I need the toilet paper for that. That's why you put the Heath Mawr on the counter and then you put the toilet paper and say, just in case. What if we look at this as a business opportunity? And I'm always looking at things

like business opportunities. If we open up our own toilet paper manufacturer and distribution company and it comes in an unmarked box and no, no, you sell it at grocery stores, but it's just a single, you just buy one roll of toilet paper at a time. And the name of the company is Carpe diem toilet paper company. That person's living for today. That's great because you grab that one roll and you go out to the counter and kind of like wiggle a little bit and do a little dance like, okay, come on, come on, come on, come on. As much as I, I mean, there's another way of looking at this, which is if you buy a huge bulk of toilet paper, that's rarer that people are going to spot you buying toilet paper. If you go at like two in the morning to the Walmart to buy your toilet paper,

then, you know, you could never be spotted. It could be a stealth mission, do that once a month or something. Or go every day and buy a 24 pack every day and look at the guy's square in the eye every time. I'm back. I'm back. I'm basically like a, basically like a sandworm. Essentially, I'm just, I consume and process and expunge. I'm also not good at conserving toilet paper. How many pieces? Sorry, I got to go. Nobody likes buying a huge thing of toilet paper, but there is, I think we can all admit, a special kind of feeling of security and luxury when you peel a single roll off of a 24 pack at home and you think, oh man, I've got a lot of toilet paper. Whatever, whenever that happens, I have the feeling like I'll never have to buy toilet paper.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You buy a 24 pack. You're like, well, that's toilet paper sorted for life. What next? Give me that giant container of oats. Okay, let's take my ID and flip it on the inverse and we start a company called Four Life Toilet Paper and you buy it, it costs, how much would you, how much would you pay? How high is the ceiling? I would, I would pay $13,000 for a $4,812 pack. Are you ready for this? You call it call of nature box. Okay. Every two weeks, someone comes to your door and just hands you the toilet paper. I don't want a shit paper interaction every 14 goddamn days. I want to knock it out once. I want to save up my money and put in a down payment investment on myself. Why are we shipping things to people?

And this is our living room and this is our toilet paper room. Why are we shipping things to people that I would, like healthy snacks that I would be proud to buy? I would be proud to stride into the store. Why are we not secretly shipping people toilet paper? It doesn't make sense to me. It's sickening. It's because it doesn't have that stigma and we need to, we need to make people ashamed of their bowel movements. Everybody just should be more ashamed of their bodies in general. Yeah. Oh God. Especially the evil that comes out of it. Y'all want to know who? Yeah. Are you sad because of football? Yeah. I got stuck with Roddy White who's out this week. It just sucks. Roddy, Roddy White? Mm-hmm. All right. Jaytown, I would not put Eli Manningen.

All right. She's stuck. Sydney makes me this. No, he's up against Texans. They're like the best decent. She says I have to. You put this in the show, right? No. That was kind of funny. Will this be the teaser before the intro? No, it'll be the garbage. It's going in my recycling bin. We don't have a teaser for the intro. Have you never listened? I think we have a teaser before the intro. Okay, good. Let's start. This Yahoo Nights Mystery was sent in by, I think I'm reading this right, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yadru answers user Arianna who asks, how do teacher hugs feel? I want no hate or side comments whatsoever. Only answer my question or I will thumbs down your answer and report it. I will crush you. How does fire? How does a teacher

hug feel? Like a three second hug. Be descriptive, please. And if you give her a fucking single side comment, you will be reported and removed from the Yahoo answer service. Are we allowed to just ask for clarification? Well, a teacher is somebody who you remember in school where there was like an older person. The words teacher hug is not the confusing part. Okay. What does she mean? How does it feel or he mean? Arianna, I'm assuming is a woman who is she the teacher or is she the student? Well, if she's the, oh, that's a good question Travis, because she's the teacher. How should the hugs I generate feel? Well, maybe she's like, I definitely want to give hugs. I've got all these hugs stored up, but does it feel okay when you're going to teach your hug? No,

I'm saying what, what is the only kind of hug a teacher can never feel is a teacher hug because you can't hug yourself. Can't hug another teacher because of the laws of nature. If two teachers touch, they become one. That's true. Until they become like a super teacher. That's the heaven when they'll digress Tyson. Three teachers touch each other. Hi, I'm Professor Neal. I'm Professor DeGrasse. That's a cool name. Yo, it's me, Tyson. And this is big. Tyson hadn't been wearing that cool backwards hat. Those sunglasses, this never would have happened. Why did he have to always be the computer? Well, those glasses were cursed by a gypsy. This has been the finale of Cosmos. Teaster fusion.

And the pilot of fringe. I saw this coming. There's a much sadder possibility here that this is the student who's never been hugged by a teacher, but she sees all of her friends get teacher hugs and she's like, what do teacher hugs feel like? Why doesn't teacher hug me? It feels good. I think it always feels full of pity. No, no, it feels good because it's, you're not supposed to, from what I know, and it's been a while since I've been in the game, but I don't think you're supposed to even make direct eye contact with students if you're a teacher. So if you have like a fucking wonderful student-teacher relationship where I'm going to help you get yourself set up through life because I look at your eyes and I see a hard worker and

I see a little piece of myself and I just, I love you like a son and come here and then you give him a hug and you're not supposed to, but it's just an expression of patronization and just love. Love is what it is. At what point in that process do you buy a weed from your students? Well, during the hug. During the hug, you slip the weed in their pocket. It's a weed cover hug. I can tell you specifically, scientifically, exactly what teacher hugs feel like. Please illuminate us. Teacher hugs feel like the exact opposite of the feeling when you see a teacher that was very influential and important to you like five years later and they have no fucking believe who you are. It is the exact opposite of that feeling which I hope you have all

experienced because it is the wackest. Yeah. It is the wackest feeling that you can receive to your heart and your mind. Mrs. Steiner, did you get my letters? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, those are, oh, sure. Marcus? Marcus? No, it's Griffin. No, it's Griffin. I remember I was in a class with, oh, John Oxley. Yeah, I love John Oxley. John Oxley did it. He was great. He had a beautiful, God, what a great student. He had a beautiful voice. Anyway, it's great to see you, Marquell? I just said it was Griffin. Marquellis? Oh, that's rough. Oh, I mean, it doesn't, I mean, maybe this is my own social ineptitude talking, but anytime I have seen any teacher I ever had outside of school, it was a rough time.

It was a rough time was had by all. I'm talking like through college when I saw, and it's weird because I watch movies where like teachers and students hang out at like a party that the teacher throws. And it's like, hey, you're pretty cool, Mrs. Steiner. And, but like, I never had that. Modacious party. I never had that. I would be at like Chipotle. I'd be like, oh, fuck, Mrs. Steiner is here. I'm going in the bathroom until I'm taking my bowl in the bathroom. I had awesome college professors and I love them. And I'm going to go visit them on our trip to California. And I'm going to get so many teacher hugs, you guys. Oh, fuck. So I'm going to get professor, but are they even like next level teacher hug? If they're not practicing anymore,

then it doesn't work. I don't think the magic is lost. I live in an apartment with a shared point up with a shared court operated laundry unit. The washing machine takes 40 minutes. The dryer takes one hour. I know this because if you don't set timers and come and get your laundry nice and quick, an unknown assailant steals it. You come back a couple hours later and the clothes on on the floor and the sink or even the garbage, they're just gone. Other residents have complained about the same thing and having bleach thrown on their drying towels. Help, brothers. What can I do to bring this full of justice and protect my stuff? It's happened three times now and I'm very low on underwear. Got swing through me on these just

real quick. That's from Got Done Down Under, I guess? Yeah, you got it. Got it in one. Sounds to me like you got yourself a laundry crampus on your hands. I've been watching a lot of leverage recently and I think you just need to set up an elaborate con. Well, it's going to have to be a fucking super elaborate con to catch a crampus. Well, that's true. I missed that show to catch a crampus. It was doing such good work getting on the crampus. Too many crampi over here. It was crampus entrapment and it's hard to argue that in court, but they were doing lower torque. What kind of weird dude is like, okay, I just saw someone take your laundry and

I'm going to go throw bleach on their towels. That's the only way I can feel. I used to live in an apartment where everybody kept their detergent in the laundry room. So you never had to buy? I did not buy detergent for two years. Look around the room. Look around the room. If you don't see a crampus, you are the crampus. I have always felt that dryer sheets are fair game. No, they're not. I think my upstairs neighbors just heard me say that and was like, oh, I knew it. Dryer sheets. Actually, a lot of people don't know this. Dryer sheets don't actually do anything. Dryer sheets were created by the government on a dare that they couldn't trick you into putting yet more chemicals into your clothes.

You got a rubber band. I bet if you made a sheet just made of chemicals and told them to put it in with their clothes, I bet they would do it. He would say, no, I don't think that's right. He said, no, try it. This has been Infowars Junior. They do do stuff. You can stuff it in a paper towel roll and then blow bonk smoke through it and it just disappears like it's been eaten by a ghost. I also think on Pinterest, is that you can rub it on stuff to make stuff shiny? And also on Pinterest, I learned that you can stuff it in a paper towel roll. Make a, I think a friend of mine called that a wookie tube. Is that right?

I think it's called a wookie tube. I think you do that while you're wearing your Jimmy hats. It's a didgeridoo. You can use them to make didgeridoo's too. I think you should set up a webcam and monitor it constantly, but make sure you don't get permission from the person who runs the building because they're going to think something's up. And what if there's a thief? What if there's a thief? Crampus. How deep does this go? How deep? What if you set it up and it's stick training? What? The whole time? The entire staff of Halliburton. Is that Schnoten? Is that Edward Schnoten?

I found secrets in your laundry. What's this inside the denim pocket? It's more denim. Somebody loves Stenoly. Laundry gift. That's a secret I'll hold on to in my pocket. Do you see someone wearing your clothes? That's the problem with that con. If you live in a building, you can't steal clothes because then you'll see someone wearing a shirt. It's like, wait a minute, Optimus Club 2008. That's me. That was mine. That's a great t-shirt. I also have one that says Travis McRoy is great. He says, not anymore. Are those my jinkos?

Why are your jeans soaking wet and why are they my jeans? And why are they also my jinkos? I would know those. Let me smell those jinkos. Lego my jinkos. Those are my closet. I can't think. Gotta have my jinkos. When I've been wearing my apple bottoms right, it looks like a kumquat bottom on you. He looks like a rambutan bottom. You look like an idiot. You're a stupid rambutan bottom. Idiot.

Um, look like a cactus pair in there. Cactus pair bottom jeans. I'm gonna Google, I'm gonna Google Krampus poison. Just to see how you deal with that. Friendship, it says. Oh, you sit in a rocking chair, post up in the laundry room and just introduce yourself to everybody and make sure they see all the clothes that you own. So they'll never target you again because there'll be buds. Well, perma buds. No, no. The whole building. I think you misunderstand. If you make friends with everybody who comes in your laundry room,

one of them is going to die and that is going to be the correct answer. That's how you'll know. Does one of them seem more closely guarded than the others? It's probably because friendship will kill them. Does he also have you checked to make sure everybody in your building does not have small leathery wings? They're going to be really small. Are they on their back or could they be anywhere?

I don't remember. All right, you study up on Krampus, you get back to us next week. Okay, can we go to the money down? I don't think anyone, I don't think anyone can argue that we haven't earned it. I just think I just think I would like some more money than I have right now. Here we go. Have you gotten bored lately while watching television right now? Okay, well, have you gotten bored lately while watching television and wish that you had

power to control what was on television at any given moment? Good news, friends. You do have that power, that power is Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is a secret TV station where you control what's on Hulu. And if you watch it at midnight, there's this thing called Hulu. If you watch that station at midnight during a rainstorm, you can see the face of your murderer. That's the truth.

Look in the mirror and say, bloody Hulu, bloody Hulu, bloody Hulu. And then everybody loves Raymond. And you'll never be able to turn it off. Sorry. Turn the lights off in your bathroom, and then look in the mirror and go, Deborah. And then before you know it, that was a pretty good remark. I think we could all agree that was a pretty good.

Hey, Deborah. Deborah. Mine sounds like he's falling off a cliff. I'm drowning. I'm melting. I'm a crampus and you poisoned me with friendship. Ray Romano was the crampus this whole time? And he would have gotten away with it too.

So what were we talking about that someone paid us to talk about? Oh, Hulu. Yeah, it's Hulu Plus is an internet service that you can get through your Apple TV, your Xbox, your Roku. Smart TV, your computer, whatever. I personally use my Roku up in my living room. I use my Xbox. You use your Xbox?

I just use the league. I just use my bathroom mirror. They got this, it's September, right? You're going to get a big, huge addition to Hulu Plus this month. Are you ready? The entirety of South Park and all the new episodes are right there. That is a marathon that you can treat yourself to. I think you've earned it.

They must have won. Yeah, if you have a few months. Yeah, I got original stuff like last summer's break. I hit quick draw, which was an improvised Wild West comedy show, which is pretty funny. And they got the second season of East Los High, which was last summer's breakout summer sizzler. Can we talk about their sex and love in the trail? Can we talk about A&T and cycle 21?

Tooch-Booch is the name of the season. It's Tooch-Booch. That's what it's legally called. Boys are back in the house. One of them has a beard weave. One of them has a fake beard. And that was his Tyra makeover. He looks like he got caught in like an Amish cloning machine.

She was like clone Amish people. And it just got grafted to his face by science. Here's what Tyra did. She started dropping makeovers on people. She was like, half your hair is white. Half your hair is black. Booch-tooch-tooch-tooch. Because that's all she fucking says anymore is garbage words.

And then she turned to one dude and she was like, you don't get anything. You're perfect as is. And he was like, okay. And then she turned towards another dude and was like, let me see your face. Too bald. And then you're getting a beard weave.

And it looks like a goddamn clown joke. And then at the first way in or whatever the fuck they call it, she was like, no, you look like a clown joke, but don't worry, we'll fix it. Next episode, same beard weave, slightly darker. Tyra, let me put this in words you can understand. Tooch-tooch-smiles. Tooch-tooch-scroach.

I cannot fully express to you. If you're not watching America's Next Stop Miles Cycle 21 Boys in the House 2, Tooch-tooch. The extent to which Tyra has contorts the English language to her own dark purposes to try to create opraisms. Everybody loves smiles, right? Smile with your eyes. I think we were all deeply into smiles.

And I think I'm still kind of into modeling H2T, by which I mean head to toe. But that woman has gone too far. You know the scene? Imagine a world in which Regina is not there to tell Gretchen to stop trying to make fetch happen. Tyra does not have Regina George telling her. Tyra?

In next season, Tyra is going to be speaking in elder tongue. She's going to be like, you just got to grab your hips and cthulhu thtaugan. Tooch-tooch-smiles. We're just going to throw blood on you. We're just going to throw blood on you, cthulhu thtaugan. A booty tooch is when a woman sticks her butt out, okay? Right.

Now that there are boys in the house, she felt the need to differentiate. Gender segregate. A gender segregate, boys sticking their butt out into a pooch. A tooty pooch, I guess. I don't know why it can't all just, why can't we all just tooch? It's not brandable though.

That's it, right? Griffin, it's not brand. She's got like, she thinks it's like the winner of life is whoever has the most trademarks at the end. And hulu plus. That's hulu plus. It's on there. You can see it all on hulu plus.

Anyway, while you're watching, wait, hold on. Let me tell you, huluplus.com slash my brother is where you're going to want to go and you get a two week free trial. Is that long enough to watch all of the available episodes of America's next top model, cycle 21 boys in the house, booch tooch?

I believe so. Make sure you don't miss last six episodes. She finally gave someone a score lower than a five. It was crazy. It's the worst scoring metric for any show ever. They act like you're not, someone actually gave someone a five and they say, you never do that.

Like they had broken an unspoken rule by giving someone less than a six. It's a terrible metric. I don't understand it. She's using the game journalists review spectrum. Right. How about we talk about good tasting healthy snacks from Call of Nature box?

They started with toilet paper and they expanded to the little chocolatey granola numbs. They got you coming and going. No, it's just, it's just, it's just nature box. With these high fiber snacks, you're definitely going to be going because they are healthy as all get out. They probably do have some high fibrous stuff.

Good news is they're all natural. Talking zero trans fats, talking zero high fructose corn syrup. Get all that out of my food. No, thank you. All natural for me. And then you can grab delicious, delicious, good, good tasting snacks

like peanut butter, nyam-nyams, sweet baked sweet potato fries, or dark cocoa almonds. What else, what else are we working with? Justin, I know that there's some French toast granola that you love. I love that stuff. I've got some coffee glazed kettle corn.

I just shoot that right into my heart. I have to be careful because if I mentioned that I haven't had a nature box in a while, it's like the Bloody Mary in the mirror thing where they email me and say, hey, did you need some more snacks? Guys, please, I can't take advantage of this power anymore. The answer is yes.

I'll send you a list. So that's naturebox. Go to naturebox.com slash my brother. That's naturebox.com slash my brother. And you will get 50% off your first box. That's half of 100%. And shipping is always free. Fuck shipping.

That's what they say. Amazon Prime? Oh, you got to pay for that? What a joke. Fuck shipping. They solved shipping. They solved it. Seriously, super quick,

let me give you the new stuff. You ready? Garlic plantains. Fuck you. Halapena cashews. Ancient grains granola. That's how I like the power of my body. Roasted Peruvian corn kernels.

Watermelon fruit juice. Cashew crumble. Don't mind if I do. Honey Dijon pretzels. There's a ton of stuff. Crampus flakes. Tartamble mango crispy chews. You made that one.

That one was fake. That was a real one. No, that's a Jimmy Buffett album. So yeah. How do I get them? Naturebox.com slash my brother. You'll get 50% off your first box. Go check it out.

That's a steal. It is a steal. You're just gonna be safe. I would like to talk about Lovecraft Brewing. Okay, do it. We talked about it last week, and they are doing awesome, but you need to go check it out.

It's a Kickstarter campaign. It's Tasha and Jesse Wilson are starting the Lovecraft Brewing Company in Washington, the state. And basically it's on base level. It's Cthulhu and Lovecraft themed beers, and it's really great. But more importantly, you should go to their Kickstarter page

and watch their video because they are adorable. It's all beers based on Tyra's astral language, her invented tongue of the Elder Gods. It's mostly that you can get a Booch ale, but yeah, go check out their video because Tasha and Jesse are super cute, and they seem like they really know what they're talking about,

and they're trying to create some, not only, you know, start their own brewery, but some competition level beers that you're just gonna want to be a part of. You're gonna want to get in on the ground level. They're also... I got in there. You know I did.

You know I wanted that cool looking glassware. Yeah, their pledge rewards are also super awesome. So just go check it out and watch the video. They also are gonna start a craft brewing club for women, women only, place to hang out and talk about brewing. So they've got some really awesome ideas. And don't try to fucking bosom buddies into that club

because they don't know. They'll know because of your beard weave. And so go check it out. Why would you have a beard if you were going through the... Never mind. I have a message for Rachel from Nick who says, You are the lily pad my bramble pelt. Hopefully this message from the brothers macroi

makes your birthday month a little brighter. Love you. I like Nick's style because he said, and we tell people to do this every time. Target a month. Aim for a period of 30 days and there's maybe like a 40% chance we'll hit it. We will hit that target.

I also like Nick's style because unlike most people, Nick does not clarify his relationship to Rachel. So hopefully Rachel knows who Nick is. Yeah. I have it. I had a yoga instructor in 2004 named Nikolai. Maybe. Surely not.

Surely not. Is this... Wait a second. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I was your yoga instructor farting in front of the class. Wait a minute. You were taking yoga farting in my class.

Wait just a minute. Is this Santa Claus? Mark your calendars for a brand new thing. The first ever Max Fun Week is coming up. October 15th through 21st. Max Fun Week is all about celebrating the creativity and passion of our listeners. We'll have podcast crossovers, Q&As,

behind the scenes tours, giveaways and more. No fundraising, just awesome stuff for you. So tune in to your favorite Max Fun shows, tell a friend about Max Fun and check out some new shows during Max Fun Week, October 15th through 21st. My girlfriend and I had our first child last April. Everything has been great. But with Halloween approaching, we have hidden impasse.

My girlfriend is excited to dress her up, take her trick or treating and has already picked her costume. I, on the other hand, think that because we will be picking the costume, dressing her in it, carrying her house to house, saying trick or treat for her, and ultimately eating the candy ourselves, she's too young. Are we gonna look like adults who have an excuse to pawn free candy, yes? Or am I overthinking this and depriving my daughter and girlfriend of some good memories?

That's from costume conundrum in Cincinnati. Oh, this is a relevant, relevant question. I've been dealing with this problem as well, because I want to dress up our dog. Well, that doesn't work, because obviously the dog's not gonna eat the fucking candy, Travis. I feel like it's pretty much the same thing. Your baby's not doing shit.

Your dog's not dead. At least the dog can walk itself. But a baby can eat Lycamate and not die. I don't know that that's true, Griffin. Dr. Griffin. Take it from me. Dr. Griffin, just jam some Lycamate in there. They'll be just fine.

Gotta fussy, baby. Give her all the sugar, baby. How about a fun dip? Justin, are you gonna take baby chuck trigger treating? I mean, she's definitely gonna dress up. But I think that this fella's instinct is right in that they will know. Well, people will know. They'll know this candy is it for the baby.

They'll know. They'll know it's for you. But I feel like if, okay, so if I were passing out candy. You are not running a scam. Let me put it this way. Yeah. You may have a little bit of like cover fire, but like you are, no one is going to be fooled. But I feel like you've got a 50% chance like every other house is gonna go,

ah, it's so hard to be new parents. Yeah, here's some candy because you fucking deserve it. Listen, you haven't slept a night in eight months. So hopefully this bit of honey will help soothe your wounds. Give you a bit of respite. It's got, it's laced with ambient. Enjoy. Enjoy.

I think it invalidates the entire contract of Halloween because like Halloween is at its core about like, hey, I'm a little kid. I dress up like an idiot so you can give me some candy. Is this a contract that you find acceptable? The adult says yes to varying degrees ranging from Mary Janes to full size snickers. But I think if you, if the contract that you're offering up your end is like, look what I did to this little human. Look how stupid I made her look.

Look at, look how stupid I made this little human look. She was like, I heard she kissed her some dumb shit. Give me some candy. She had no agency over what a fucking dumb shit she looks like right now. Look at me. I'm in my Sean Johns. I look fantastic. I look awesome in these jinkos.

And my baby, I mean. I freshly stolen jinkos. My baby looks like garbage. And I made her look like that. I picked the worst looking thing. Yes, I would like to. I would love a bit of honey. Thank you very much Deborah.

Thank you. I, you're not fooling any, I mean like, I think if you want to take the kid trick or treating and like, take up a, tell people that you're collecting it for poor kids. But like the poor kids are already out there. This is like their, this is like their big night. So I don't think that there's anything keeping them from that. Unless. If you're, maybe take up a collection.

Unless. You just fucking nail the costume. Well, yeah. That is a big caveat is if you can do a parent child, well, a parent baby duo costume. If you, Justin, can I give you a suggestion? Hit me. This is really the only year you're going to be able to do it with Charlie is Crang. Crang.

Yeah. You're going to have to cut a big hole in your tummy. Solid. And cover it. You have a doctor wife, have doctor wife, just cut a little hole. Well, it will need to be a big hole. And you're going to. Charlie sized hole.

Line it with a glass or something like that and then get your baby in there. Baby is going to need to breathe. So maybe another, a second hole with some sort of air. You're going to have a lot of holes by the end of the night, but you're going to look awesome. And you're going to. You're going to fill in with candy. And you're going to get so much candy, Justin, and it'll be so worth it.

Worth it. And think about the irony of you having the baby in your belly. And Sydney will probably say something like, like, um, like, um, get back in the house. You're embarrassing me. Well, the baby will be dressed as Doug funny every year until she is 18 and can move out. At that point, she will dress as nothing but Doug funny because nothing else will feel right. The end, the beginning and the end.

Do you guys want to know who? Absolutely. Um, I am accepting dope costume ideas, though, by the by. If anybody wants to submit those. And if you have any dog costume ideas, I'll take them. And if you want any, I guess I can do my cat. But he's not going to like that at all. He doesn't like having clothes on.

He's a little, my little naked gentleman. Uh, got a yadru piping hot yadru nights mystery here. Thank you, Dru. It's by y'all who answers user Verde who asks, Neighbors bong rips keep waking me up at six a.m. What? My neighbor works early in the morning and he prefers to smoke way before work. My unit is connected to the same building and I wake up to coughing every day.

It's so ridiculous. Would he be offended if I told the guy to keep it down in the morning? Or should I buy the guy better weed or something? It sounds like he is dying over there sometimes. I get, I, oof, I get it. Can I just say what a baller move that would be? Knock, knock, knock. Hey, I've heard you cough in the morning.

He's just, he's just not good. I got you some dank kush. I heard you. I heard you wheezing on that fritz. And I was, I was wondering if I could slide you on the free skis. Some of my kinder kush. I am definitely not a cop. I am not a cop.

Would you like this kind kush? Just kidding. I am a cop. Please come with me to jail now. Either that or could you just keep it down with your, your tasty bong rips? Can we skip? What if, what if?

The only reason they know that they're doing this is because this neighbor, for no particular reason before, they're going to hit a tasty bong rip, feels the need to announce to the room like, here I go again with another huge, here I go again with another monster bong rip. This will get me through another day of teaching. Classic me.

Here I go. It's 6 a.m. You know what that means. Good morning, Viet Bang. I love getting, I didn't ice splurge. I love getting high. Oh, let me do one more.

Oh God. Hey, for some reason, your, your, your bong rip sound effect sounds exactly like someone mourning a fiance. It's the worst. Oh man. Not tasty at all, I would say. This, these nugs are, these nugs have thumb tacks in them. Why do I keep smoking these unkind nugs?

This is just grass from outside. I need to get a better job. I need to hug a teacher. Get some dank kutch. It's hard out there, you know. It's rough. You could do dueling bong hits. What's that?

Where he does a bong hit and then you do a bong hit but yours sounds much tastier until he comes over and says, teach me. How does it, and tell me how a tasty bong rip sounds. Sounds like it. Hi. Riley told me that at her school. She's too young to know about bongs.

No, I'm, listen, this, this is crazy. She said that there's a guy who sells weed outside the school from an ice cream truck every day. I feel like that is a short term plan. It's not very forward thinking, is it? How, but how would we ever catch him? This guy. He's like in a really super slow moving thing.

We have to paint a picture and describe the points of entry and exit. Which is to say the one point of entry and exit to Huntington High School, because it's on a fucking hill and you have to drive up a single road. How do you get a fucking ice cream truck up that road? There's a security guard at the top of the hill.

He's just like, oh, here to pedal your ice cream again. Uh-huh. Got lots of pushpops in here. That security guard never stops. Anybody from going in. I'm sorry, hold on, jump back. More like pushpops. Thank you, Travis.

There we go. Okay, now go on. God damn. It makes you so mad that you shit had 15 year olds. Have it so easy. I can just get weed wherever. They go to the fucking Apple store and they punch a few numbers into a vending machine

and there they get the brick of the finest Colombian cush and it's bullshit. I'm gasping over here. Gasping. And I want to be gasping on some unkind dank that I take in a big chunky bong with. You want like mean crampus dung? Where do you even go to buy a bong?

Can I Amazon Prime it? I do not. I think they're at Spencer's Gifts. Are they? I'm almost positive you can buy bongs at Spencer's Gifts. Oh, how tight would it be if you got a bong? That was also one of those plasma touch balls. And just the fucking plasma just like

innervated that cush when you put it in the chamber and then you cock it, load it. That's a tasty bong. I'm going to say here comes another Kelly ri-ba. It tastes like plasma. Plasma. God, see? Like I'm so good at saying tight shit after taking a bong rip

and I don't have any- What is the name of it? Like nobody gives me weed or bongs or tells me how to do what a bong is. I think- Listen, we're going to be on tour next year. We're going on tour next year. Y'all better show up each time with a Spencer's Gifts plasma bong.

Ri-ba. It tastes like- Jack the Ri-ba. Watch me do- Check this out. I'm going to do a smoke stunt. Here it comes. Genuine Griffin Agaroy smoke stunt.

Out the nose, back in my mouth, back out my nose. How'd it get back up there? I don't know, but he sure had a lot of smoke in there. Man, what a cool guy. He seems very high. He seems super high. Nah, this is potpourri. I don't know where weed is.

My mouth smells like lavender though. Kelly's like, bye. I want to say thank you to you listening to my brother, my brother and me. I had a fun, fun Saturday because I went to the post office and I got our mail. Your mail.

I picked up in a while. Just call it- Let's just start calling it your mail. Now, well, it's P.O. Box 54. Hide West Virginia 2506 if you want to send us something. I got- We got wedding invitations. We got a wedding invite to the wedding of Sean and Jenny.

They have an absolutely adorable Super Mario Brothers themed invitation. I like that. And Windows is super matrimony. It's very cute. Kayla and Eric are getting married. They're in New Hampshire. Very tasteful invite with a big crab on it,

which I like. I appreciated that. Is the crab saying something funny? No, it's like tasteful. And then Amy and Paul are getting married in Missouri. Yeah. In a zoo. October, in October.

Both those are in October. Jenny and Sean actually got married already. So hopefully they are still together. We got some pickles from somebody in Scottsdale. I guess they didn't have a name on them. But if you're in Scottsdale and you sent us pickles, it's probably you. We thank you for those.

I do know that those pickles are for you, Justin, because you said you didn't like pickles. So they are attempting to prove to you that these pickles are good because you just don't like dip. Is that? Okay, can I try something then? Boy, I hate kush. And I'll never be proven wrong.

We were shipped the game of horse scents from Reed. Now, boys, this is a game full of horse trivia. Okay. And I've got some. Today we're dipping into the anatomy questions category. Are you ready? We have to savor these because it's the next three years of the show. All right.

And go. Bye. Okay. Here we go. Gentlemen, by age five, most horses have how many teeth? 153. Okay. Let's try again.

The answer, we got A, between 20 and 25, B, between 36 and 40, C, between 60 and 71. Are we just talking about the front row of teeth? By age five, most horses have how many teeth? On the front row or the back row? Face teeth or full body teeth? Are we full body teeth? Okay, 35.

Three. The answer was B, between 36 and 40. Oh, you're off by one. Next question. I got one more question. Keep going. This is the best game. The left side of a horse, the side of the horse that we mount,

is called the broad side. It's called the left flank, the mount or the near side? The meatus. The meatus? Okay, Griffin guesses the meatus. I think it's the horse's meatus. I'm going to go with the meatus. Griffin's convinced he's telling me it is the near side.

You can really get a full boot in that fleshy meatus. We got a horse has long legs, so it can run away from predators. B, jump out of the way of a predator. Chase dreams faster. C, stomp a predator's face. C, defend itself against the predator. C, keep dry when it floods. D, catch a predator.

No, so it can be tall enough to eat birds right out of the sky. E, so it's a little bit closer to God. God, that's why God made his giraffe. He said, get up here. He said, get up your horse. I'm going to give you multiple choice questions. I'm not even going to give you multiple answers. When a horse's ears are laid flat, what does that mean?

Horny. This is lightning round. Griffin, you said horny, wrong, Travis. Made a bad investment. Incorrect, Griffin. Not horny. If their ears are down, they are explicitly not an ounce of horny. Read the room, Steve.

Right by omission, correct, this is either angry or scared. So thank you, Reed. We're going to have, I'm keeping these like on my desk. Yo, yeah. So at any moment, I can reach out and grab. We also have, just so you know, for the future, we have care questions and breed questions. Oh, tight.

I can't wait for the breed questions. The breed ones are going to be good. Thank you to Reed. I got a great t-shirt and a CD from Kate and Carl for a band called Sean Sleeps Naked. Okay. Carl works at a sticker factory, so that's a pretty cool hookup. Andy sent me from the video game experiment,

sent me a power factory on Sega CD. Which one is that? So. Is that like CNC Music Factory? That's the CNC Music Factory. Fuck, yes. You were missing, you didn't have that, right? Good.

No. That was a good gift. We got like lovely knit goods from a beautiful blanket from Erica and some knit booties from Hannah and a lovely. Are they my size? Candy. Who are the booties for? Are they my size?

What? The booties are for Charlie, my daughter, but the candy's for you guys. Let's see if it makes it. She was very insistent that it should. Well, that ought to do it then. That's what the other candies were missing. It was the explicit insistence that you fucking share it for once in your life.

And then just super quick, postcards from all over the world. Bonjour brothers from Geneva. Fuck yeah. She sent us a postcard. Let's see. We have a postcard. This is a far one from, sent to us from Vietnam. Oh, cool. Jesus.

Eric sent us one. Are these places where these people live? Or are they just traveling and thinking? Usually they're like vacationing and they send us one from Sarah and Sean sent us one from New Zealand. Wow. Excellent. Which is pretty cool.

So yeah. And then we got a letter on Cleveland magazine stationery and it says, Hello, brothers. I stole this from work. So that makes all of your accomplices. I hear jail is supposed to be pretty cool. Okay, bye. Rambunctious in the Rust Belt.

So cool. Thank you to everybody. We also got a couple of collection notices, but we don't need to talk about it. Yeah, that's somebody else's problem. Thank you to everybody who sent this stuff. Thanks to people tweeting about the show, like Beth, Brandon, Callie, Andrea, David, Sean. Oh, Sean sleeps naked.

There you go. Lindsay, Delana, Owen, Kira, Leslie, RJ, Brian, Lin-Manuel, of course. Who? So Lin-Manuel Miranda. He's a friend of ours. Nice. Our dear friend. We are cool kids.

We are cool kids. I hope everybody got tickets to see a show. I want to say thanks again to Nature Box. It's called Hamilton. Go see it. Yes. If you haven't checked out Nature Box yet, you're a dummy and you need to go do it before it's too late.

Before they say, you know what? This is too good for you and you don't get to do it anymore. So go to naturebox.com slash my brother to get 50% off your first order. Go now, you fools. Fly. Fly, you fools. Do you guys mind if I take a second to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the Use of Our Theme song?

It's a departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed, which you can find at all album retailers like iTunes and Amazon and Suncoast and FYE. I guess we don't. Shit. Maybe next time, John. Make sure you listen to the other shows in the Maximum Fun Network. The Goose Down is our featured podcast. We should do that just one a week.

And if they get the spotlight, then that endorsement is going to count for a lot. Oh shit. Goose Down features our buddies, our podcast buddies. We have never met these people. Kim and Jasper. Yeah, but they're like related. I have listened to that show so much that I feel like they're buddies. Uh, this week they got guests Lea Eva and Sherry Turner and Edwin Lee.

And they're just discussing, uh, just things. So this week at Celebs, you love to hate. So listen, it's just go to maximumfund.org slash shows slash Goose Down. Not only that, we have a big announcement. We do. Oh crap. Mark your calendars. Max Fun Week is coming up October 15th through the 21st.

Max Fun Week is all about celebrating your creativity and passion of our listeners with podcast crossovers, Q and A behind the scenes tours, giveaways and more. No fundraising. Just awesome stuff for you. So tune in your favorite maximum maximum fun shows and check out new ones during Max Fun Week, October 15th through the 21st. We're going to have people on our show. We're going to be on other people's shows.

It's going to be crazy. Like that night at TGIF where Salem ate the thing that made them travel through time and everybody was crossing over and Urkel was on one show and Sabrina was on another show and Sean from Boy Meets World was on a different show. And I think Teen Agile was still on and he was on a show and it was crazy. It's going to be like that. It's going to be a nonstop all universe fuck fest. It's going to be crazy.

Slashfic. Slashfic. It's maximum fun. It's maximum fun slashfic week. And that's going to be it for us this week. I'm my brother, my brother, my mate. Make sure you, you know, whatever, just live your life. Don't die.

That's it. Just live your life. We love you. That's all. That's it. It's all on you for me. This final Yahoo! Night's Mystery was sent in by M. Dean.

Thank you, M. It's by Yahoo! Answers. Users. They've been suspended. But in their life, let's remember the good times. Let's celebrate their life. Not more than their death. They asked, can anybody give me an emo boys my space?

Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. Just remember, my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. School. Where are the lips? Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McRoy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McRoy. Every Tuesday, we bring you Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine,

a show about all the dumb, weird, terrible ways that we've tried to fix each other over the years. You know, some light summer listening. Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas, or why we tried to eat mummies for a while, or why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea. That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday, right here on the Maximumfun network with Sawbones,

a marital tour of misguided medicine.