My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me: Episode 06

Episode Date: May 17, 2010

In this episode, we're answering questions that you're too afraid to ask, unless, of course, you were the one who asked them. These bold souls have been rewarded with answers to some of life's most difficult, most mature dilemmas. You know, things like, "Can I make a pee in the shower?" We apologize for being eight years old. Suggested talking points: Sleepy girlfriends, complimentary puppies, Sweet Valley High, a big bottle of P, the final test of love, Cyber-Congress, CSI: Vero Beach, Sway gave me a Penis Award

If you change your mind On the first in line On the arms feel free Take a chance on me If you need me Let me know Gonna be around If you got your place to go

When you're feeling down If you're all alone When the pretty birds have gone When the pretty birds have gone Welcome! You've done it again, you've returned to us To our loving, caring embrace This is, uh, of course

My brother, my brother and me It's an advice show for the modern era Um, and We take your questions And we turn them into wisdom It's like, it's like, out of me Don't ask us how we do it Don't ask us how we do it

It's our formulas Patent-dependent Shawna writes in from Gmail Shawna says I want to get an octopus tattoo Really, really bad I have for a while Where's the sexiest place

I could get an octopus tattoo on my body Thanks, guys X, so Huxo I think that's hugs and kisses Okay, got it Thank you, Shawna Octopus tattoo I've been thinking about this since I saw the question

Is there a sexy place to get a tattoo? An octopus tattoo, yes Um, if you get it On your Throbbing Glistening ink sack If you have an ink sack If you have an ink sack, get it right on there

Or maybe upon one of your tendrils Um Other than that I actually know somebody who has an octopus tattoo And she has it on her ribs It's very tasteful I would say sexy Really? Okay, ribs

Like right on the ribs Adam from Gmail writes in My girlfriend sleeps a lot She even fell asleep last night during Iron Man 2 When he was smashing Adams I haven't seen Iron Man 2, does that happen? Yeah

Should she see a doctor? No, she should get down with naps Yeah I would say naps are a good course of action I wouldn't blame her for falling asleep During some parts of Iron Man 2 Namely the parts where Iron Man wasn't Iron Man-ing

The Iron Man-ing around Is scarlet and gold To be fair One of us in this podcast Fell asleep during Jurassic Park Um, so It's easy to fall asleep in a movie I fell asleep during Lord of the Rings

It's possible to fall asleep in a movie And I do not judge her at all But that movie was 5 hours long If you saw it in theaters Odds were that it was going to Run past your bedtime Does that make sense? If you see it after 4pm

Then you're bound to just Hit the hay in the midst But I understand That's a bummer when you're a significant other It just sleeps like a koala bear Because you want to hang out with her But she can't She takes those sweet koala naps

You have to find clever ways of waking her up Without her getting mad at you Like setting off the smoke alarm Or doing the laundry too loud Or doing the laundry too loud Or just singing Motorhead What's that song?

It's called sister christian Getting a shower and just singing Motorhead Motorhead Let me Iron Maiden Yahoo Answers user JulieA asks

Where can I find a free dog? Everywhere Everywhere Everywhere, wild dogs are all over the place Every dog is free If you're quick enough There's no additional information But I don't think she's looking for a pound puppy

I don't think she's interested in the Immunization fees and stuff I just think she wants a dog on the free She wants a complimentary puppy Which is great Because she sounds like she's going to be a really responsible owner Have you tried some of the finest hotels? Because often

Often they'll have a Complementary puppy An interim puppy that you can keep for A surcharge I heard that if you take the puppy with you They just build that straight to your bill Right off the credit card That's why you have to give it credit card these days

Yeah But only visa Mastercard doesn't have the puppy Offer That's what I heard Jake from Kentucky emailed us He asks Hi guys, so I have a problem

I was hoping you could help me with I really like this girl a lot But sadly she's crazy about my best friend He doesn't like her back He likes her best friend So I really want to ask this girl out But I know she doesn't like me She likes my best friend

Thanks for the help Jake from Kentucky I have a suggestion Jake Why don't you get the transfer The fuck out of Sweet Valley High I was trying to make that Sweet Valley High joke I couldn't come up with the wording

I mean if she's all that In any number of Freddie Prince Junior movies have taught me anything You have to start fake dating Her best friend So that She gets jealous As does your best friend

Either everything will come out in the wash Or you'll fall in love with her best friend I think that's how it happens The best friend falling in love And also Melissa Joan Hart is there Can you walk Can someone walk me through this timeline again I don't feel like I'm rocking

Imagine four people Imagine a square Only the square is not a straight Square is crisscrossed in the middle Does that make sense So he's in love with her But she loves him Even though he's in love with her

And she is around This is from Jane Giles' band This is that classic song Love Stinks Yes Make the best friend Make her loser glasses Maybe get a haircut And like a sexy like a now cut

A hip cut Jake let me boil your question down for you What I'm asking is should I ask out a girl That doesn't like me I'm just gonna go ahead and say no Find someone else Jake Go with the robot Go with the robot

Or you know what Go gay until everyone's so confused And like get really into your best friend And then once everyone's sufficiently confused Pull the old switcheroo And by the couple more players into this little Into this little dance This is gonna be more confusing

Right from Gmail Friend of the show It says I'm a 17 year old guy Who really likes this girl She agreed to go out on a date with me But I don't think she is at all That interested in me What is a good way to make a really good impression

On our first date I don't know that she's not interested I think you might just be a little too shy You haven't let your freak flag fly Fly Just like Griffin said Maybe not your freak flag But you know what I'm saying

I think it's that she doesn't know you I think you just gotta be a proper gentleman I think that's the best way To make a good impression If I've learned anything From my wonderful brother Justin McIlroy And my wonderful sister-in-law It is to ask her questions

Be interested in her Don't talk about yourself Be interested in what she has to say Give me a long time to learn that Ask me But she wants to talk about herself As much as you want to talk about yourself So ask her questions about her

This is a great Great point Also, I think you gotta go naked day one I'm just saying That's how you get her interested You get her interested in you By being interested Take her out to a nice dinner

And you sit down at Applebee's And you're sitting down and you order your drinks And then you take a bowie knife Out of a sheath that you have attached To your belt that you had hidden Underneath your polo And you just pull it out and you sit it down on the table And don't address it

That's kind of mysterious Or halfway through the date, like you're at a movie And she's sitting on your right You put an eye patch on your left eye Very discreetly And just make sure she doesn't notice Do you see where I'm going for? You could stage some kind of epic fight

With like a dragon or something I think that works Well, dragons aren't real, but you could Pay a person to Pretend to mug you and then you fight Oh, I like that That's got a little something to it You gotta get creative

Morgan, our real advice is hidden somewhere in there Have a great afternoon Also, it's taken to Coldstone Yeah, they put the ship In the ship Hold the ship with the shits Don't even worry about it What is the best time to email you guys

To ensure my life questions are answered Says William at Gmail I don't compile questions, what do you guys think? What's the best time? The best time is Any time before Wednesday morning Yeah If you want them on the next week's show

But really, any time is good Because I have no life And I am constantly checking The email and the Twitter and the form Don't make it adhere to our schedule I think if you have an important life question You just gotta fire it off As soon as it's in your mind

And if it's urgent, and you need to Answer right then, say that in the subject line Say it's urgent, we'll get you an answer And then we'll talk right on the show And I'm glad you brought this up, William May I call you, William? You may We have been getting so many great questions

On formspring and Gmail We really appreciate it and it's great But the most rapid response questions You're gonna get is Twitter If you want that At mbmbam Or hashtag mbmbam It's the best way to go for a question

Right now Especially because we're looking for more Twitter questions So if you got something you really want answered Hit it up, son We've got Twitter fever Which is A catchphrase I'm trying to get started To perhaps get a parody song written about

So just tweet Tweet right at us And we'll tweet it back ASAP Quotally Yahoo AnswersUserJ asks Can I give my pitbull Gatorade Well It's got the electrolytes that pitbulls crave

Sub Sub question Can my pitbull drink Gatorade So this is technically two different questions Can you give your pitbull Gatorade Yes Can my pitbull drink Gatorade Gatorade has a certain drinkability to it

Smooth drinkability So I don't see why not I'm not sure you should give it Nor should your pitbull drink it though This is Gatorade's expensive Gatorade's expensive Why'd you just give him Gatorade water Richie Rich? Richie Rich

Here's the thing, dogs don't sweat So they don't have to replenish the electrolytes And salt like we do That's why dogs walk around with their tongues hanging out Because they're getting their excess heat And moisture out that way So no Because that's dumb

You're an idiot Don't give your dog Gatorade Also Gatorade It's not called Gatorade anymore Obviously this guy didn't get the mem What is it called? It's just called G now

It's just G It's just called G now Now it's just called G G is the name of their product They took the whole Gatorade part And they completely subtracted it from the equation Now it's just plain old G I hope that they do that with other drinks

Because I would drink Pepsi if it was called P Just give me a big bottle of P I'm not touching that one I'm not so sure about this one Travis You were asked So Magic incest

Let's just talk about that Magic incest That's the username here Via Gmail It's a great question I think it's one that might be divisive Has a potential to be divisive Being in the shower

Don't say anything I think we all just need to Go one, two, three, and then Go One, two, three, and then you vote One, two, three One, two, three Yes

No You're a traitor So Travis said no I want to throw an actual thing in the world I want to throw an addendum in there The way our bathroom is set up I can just open the curtain And the toilet's right there

So I will do that from time to time Because the convenience factor is the same You will? That explains why our magazines are always Soiled You're the worst room I'm sorry, I've ruined our readers' digests So

Justin, you're down with it? Why not? Because it's gross It's basically like you're peeing on your feet You're not peeing on your feet It's like you just start spinning around And urinating wildly On every vertical surface in your shower

I'm saying fucking A for the drain And B, B in it You guys are lying to yourselves That's a good motivational poster You're lying to yourselves because the two of you Are living in sin And you are embarrassed To admit to each other that you might have stepped into

One another's urine from time to time That's all I'm saying You're lying to yourselves That's where a dad puts his hand on his son's shoulder And just says, son, aim for the drain We're not stepping in each other We don't take showers together That's not our style

We're not done with magic incest We take separate showers Like grown adults Grown-ass men Grown-ass men Thank you This is a drain right there It's practically a toilet you stand up in

To get clean No peeing in the sink Don't poop in the shower That's awful What do you think in magic incest? Why didn't you even do that? It takes a while It's a really great balance

Unless you have one of those bars That's fat And that's done We're good We're good on this The balance part Yeah, we're done Tim asks via gmail

My brother recently proposed to his girlfriend And she said yes I am all but certain he's going to ask me To be his best man And while I'm happy to do so I'm kind of freaked out about the responsibilities I'll have Any general advice you have on this matter Would be appreciated

Also a quick run-through of what those responsibilities actually are Could be a big help Everybody knows about the bachelor party and the toast But there has to be more to it than that Tim, gmail I had a friend in college He was a wise, wise grad student Named Steve Knight

And Steve Knight imparted to me This knowledge When you are a best man Outside of the responsibilities Like the toast and the bachelor party You have but two responsibilities The one Is to give your friend the opportunity

To be with a lady the night before Do not encourage Make it happen I'm just quoting Steve Knight here I wholeheartedly disagree with this And duty number two Is the day of the wedding Look at your brother or friend

Or what have you And say listen man If you want to go I'll cover for you Those are your two responsibilities According to Steve Knight As a best man You are not only a facilitator

Of shenanigans In the bachelor party You are also The final test Of his faithfulness You are Making sure that he is Actually ready to do this

I am totally down with that Travis I think that if more best men were like this The divorce rate in this country And this world would be zero percent Justin, don't get me wrong I'm not saying encourage it I'm saying that you're a liar For me the opportunity

To be with another lady The night before I got married We did sit around with a bunch of dudes In a tiny pool and drink beer You're right, that was awesome Except When Jason tried to pee on me Yeah, not okay

It's all funny games Jason, you went a little too far I know we were in a big tub Things got kooky Not okay Not okay What's important for you to do, Tim Is to make sure that everything goes well

Period And either offer them a chance to be with a woman Or in a urine filled baby pool With eight Eight dudes In a keg in the middle In a keg in the middle I like it

Formspring We're getting some really good accidental transitions Formspring asks, look I really like this guy I work with But I just don't know how to get his attention I've tried wearing provocative shirts And hats, but he just doesn't seem to care What should I do?

You gotta get more provocative With those hats I think I think their hats are provocative enough A lot of times I'll see a hat and I'll be like Interesting, but maybe not provocative So like a safari hat And then there's a story there Right?

Or should we just get back? Searching for something? Is it Halloween? Is that a costume? No Solving mysteries I like you I like you a lot, you down? The mystery is, why aren't we together? Let's solve it Let's solve it together, you and me

Elementary, my dear Watson Cause we haven't gone on a date yet, let's do that Oh, I like that Is that a clue in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me? Is that the game clue in your pocket? I don't know I mean I love ladies

So this isn't exactly my area of expertise Maybe you find out if he's gay first Yeah, that seems like step one When I'm courting a woman I try to make sure that she's down with dudes Pretty early in the courting process Yeah But if, otherwise

Just more better hats More better hats If he is gay Then I would say that the same rules apply You're trying to be more Get his attention more Interesting to him Talk to him, dude

The same thing applies How are his hats? How provocative are his shirts? Hey Steve, that's a nice Provocative hat you have today I feel provoked Is that a chapeau? Is that a beret? It is very crisp

Did anybody watch Army Wives last night? Something like that Would be a good sort of acid test I think Stephen, that is a handsome beret Handsome beret, Stephen How about Army Wives last night? Is that a raspberry beret? Prince

You like Prince? I do too How about those ruffled shirts? Wait a minute, are you saying Let's go to this club in the city Yeah, I know of a club Where all the hats are provocative I enjoy it, you will enjoy it too, Stephen I suspect you will enjoy it, Stephen

I suspect you will enjoy me If not, wait for tomorrow When my hat will be far more provocative Than it is at the moment Form Spring, another one from Form Spring A couple of my long Standing friends have recently decided To be douchebags

They've become increasingly hostile Passing off as a joke But rarely letting up When together Apart, they're still great guys But I can't stand them together Oh man, what to do I don't know what to tell you

I don't think No, that's not true I can pick out some of my friends turning into douchebags I can think of a few friends I'm not going to name them Jacob Dunkel No, I'm kidding I love you, Jacob Dunkel

I think you just got to move on I don't think If your friends are douchebags If they're being social chameleons or whatever They've found new friends And have changed That's hard I don't know if you're in college or high school

But it sounds high school Because that happens a lot in high school It's a very fickle sort of situation People ebb and flow Most of the time You just got to stick it out If you're in high school And you've already invested so much time

You might as well just roll with the changes You guys love Evanescence, I do too now Because I have to be you Most of the time in a group There's a de facto Not necessarily a leader But someone who does something And then they start that trend

If you know who that person in your group is Talk to them apart and be like Listen, you might not realize it Because you're in the middle of it But you guys are douchebags And I think at this point Confrontation or walk away Are your two options

Or both Or Unless Unless, what if you were to Pull the Lord of the Flies Kill the leader Kill the leader with a big rock Kill the leader with a big rock

Take the conch shell How's your conch shell? Kill him Get his glasses Kill the leader, get his glasses Take it to the limit Don't do it at school though There's a zero tolerance policy

On Lord of the Flies takeovers You will get on the news though We rarely And by rarely I mean never Cross over into the realm Of politics We have one big umbrella For all of our listeners

It's a safe zone If you will But there's a Yahoo questions user Named Stir it up 05 That has an important political query That I think we could answer In a fair and balanced way

Will there be a presidential election In 2012? Now the additional information's a bit lengthy So stay with me Recently the buzz about not having elections in 2012 Has a lot of momentum It seems to stem from several of Obama's initiatives And other legislation being introduced

That gives Obama some frightening powers For example cyber legislation Gives Obama soul power to shut down the internet Legislation was introduced For presidential term limits Repeal of the 22nd amendment And the controversial 16,000 armed IRS agents On radio and TV

I've heard several comments about the possibility That we will not have presidential elections in 2012 When guests to the various show Mentioned the elections and possible turnovers In 2012 Several hosts have remarked If we have elections in 2012 Your thoughts

What other events and legislation Could give you concern about whether or not The 2012 elections will be cancelled And if tried what will the public reaction be Stir it up 05 Wow Wow A fair and free democratic elections

Is really the foundation Of this country of ours This big experiment called America Now that Obama is a cyber god He can pretty much take that out With a wave of his cyber hand He's got digital legislation And soul power

Combine those two together And it's like yikes If President Obama President Barack Hussein Obama Shuts down the internet Can we keep doing our show? We can

Yeah we'll just have to yell really loud So we'll do like live stage versions Exclusively Justin let me ask you something Your wife is a doctor so I assume you have insight into this One of my co-workers Informed me that the recent Healthcare legislation

Allows physicians to make The decision whether to Not parents The physician Whether to put to death Mentally handicapped children Is that true or false? Here's my counter that

Where's the decision? I argued with this dude For a solid like 30 minutes Going I can't believe that that's true And he was like no I read it I read it So the doctor can look at the parents And straight up I know you didn't ask

But I'm gonna have to do this I think more troubling than that Is that Obama has the power To single-handedly shut down the internet He has a switch on the underside Of the desk He can't stand up too quick

Oops Where's my gmail? What is gmail? There's no non-existent entity Gmail never happened Shut it down Yahoo answers a font Of constant comedy It's gone now

This question itself So not only can he shut down the internet He erases the internet from time Yes He also has that cyber power You mean soul power? He has that soul power from the cyber legislation Held

In techno comics There was a cyber bill In techno congress That gave him the power to go back in time And stop events from happening Android of the house Can you pass the oil so I can The 22nd amendment hasn't been repealed

It's been D-written It's been D It's been unthought Can I just say we have just written the greatest movie ever Time travel president Yes Digital legislation and soul power

Every time I hear digital legislation I think of him Minority report Gloves on Manipulating the text To answer your question, yes of course There will be a goddamn election in 2012 But the only thing we're electing

Is the new president of the collapse society That we have because there's no more internet It's just like Wolfman I recently failed my first semester at college Well, let's try The course Is in a field of passion about game design Should I retake the semester

Or is it a sign to try something else I failed dude, lack of attendance That's my favorite part Maybe it's a sign to try going to class Why don't you try Why don't you try that method Of success Try going

It's not that you're not proficient In your field It's that you're proficient at waking up And getting out of bed and putting pants on And leaving and going to a room Where learning takes place I'm really passionate about But not passionate enough to walk away from that

SpongeBob marathon I feel you though I had a really I did great in high school I graduated high school with like a 3.8 I killed it and I got a full ride To Marshall University and I got even like A little bonus scholarship because I was just

So smart all the time And then I got to my first semester At Marshall and got like a 2.2 Like I did so so bad Because when you have that freedom You just go buck ass wild That's totally to be expected You should stop going to

It's when you start college You know you What distractions do you have in high school right MTV Riding in cars Whippets Face book When you get to college it's like

Drinking Fornication Drugs What Drugs There's drugs to take You're gonna start A really shitty folk band

Yeah playing guitar I would say Frisbee You and your buddies You're gonna start a shitty folk band Called The Hard and The Easy You're gonna play out a few shows Gonna get some good hits

A couple songs that people kind of sing along to Their version of Bob Dylan's The Man and Me Is Really bad It's actually not very good They should do their own stuff from now on Hey here's what you need to do Go to class every Monday

They always cover new shit on Monday And then just talk about it throughout the course of the week So just go on Monday so that's what I did And I graduated with like straight A's Failed due to lack of attendance Travis What part of this problem are you not getting I'm not going to class at all Your solution cannot be

We'll try not going to class at different times Try going to class 20% of the time Yeah Just try again I believe in you Game design is pretty fun and you seem I mean you're lazy so you must like video games So I think you should just try it again

And I think you'll And if you get into trouble just email us Guys should I go to class Urgent Classes later in the day Take evening classes Another anonymous One from form spring

How do I politely tell my wife That I don't want to watch Anymore fucking CSI Margaret The Margaret part wasn't on there But it was Listen, sit her down And let us talk to her

Okay Hey listen Marge Can we call you Marge He doesn't want to watch CSI anymore There's lots of good shows Have you guys tried Bones

Bones? No don't you do that to me Lie to me? No what? Lie to me is a great show I just started watching it today You're talking about some out of the frying pan Into the fire shit I think this writer has some more discerning taste He doesn't want to watch CSI I don't think he wants to watch murder dramas

Yeah right maybe he wants to try Have you tried any other show What about Buffy the Vampire Slayer That's a good one West Wing West Wing is the best show ever made All of Buffy is on Netflix instant Q2 So you can just watch that You can just watch that right now

But listen he doesn't want to it's nothing against you He loves you He just have different tastes here He's afraid of Lawrence Fishbone It's the eyes Is he on a CSI? Travis is Mobambam's Resident CSI expert

Here's the thing There are so many flavors of CSI In the world these days Have you tried CSI of Miami? Maybe he likes the sexy Bikinis, the sun The lack of sweat And someone

Removing their glasses in a dramatic way Those criminals get creative too And that heat With those swarms He makes you clever, he makes you crazy Or perhaps he's more a fan Of friend of the show Gary Sinise I would like to see

A show like CSI Miami It would be Florida based Only it would be CSI Vero Beach Whoa All of the CSI people Are 85 years old And all of the murderers are 85 years old Every case turns out to be natural causes

It was natural causes We don't see any weapon wounds Or signs of entry At all It looks like he just fell down in the bathtub And he hurt himself And he just kind of died there I think if you are already watching

The New York CSI You're probably sick of episodes about 9-11 Because now like Eight years later, nine years later Still every episode is about 9-11 And I know I said I'd never forget Now you haven't Now you can't

No I can't, because it's still on CSI God damn it Stupid CSI So please don't make me watch more CSI From Twitter Whoa I got Greg Brady there for a second All nude review

Writes from Twitter Listen, meth seems like a good idea I can't focus I need to do a bump Just one bump So I need A FIPS It's hard

I'm in your boat I work out of the home And it's hard because you got the whole internet You got all your cool stuff there You don't have anybody watching over your back So that's tough What I would say is Try to make your

Work environment A little more pleasing Play some soft music Draw a bath Draw a bath Cover yourself in scented oil Oil up Oil up on that

I don't know, that's the best advice You're asking the wrong people Because right now Justin and I are supposed to be working Yeah, so Record a podcast Record a podcast or something On the real though, what I've done Is I've separated all of my internet bookmarks

Into Three folders One being essential work utilities One being Non-essential work utilities And one being fun stuff A link to my penguin club And what have you

And so after I write a few stories I will And have about ten minutes of me time Exploring the Artic landscape of penguin world I think that that's a good way To get your shit straightened out Travis works at PetSmart

Yep So I want to hear I want to hear Griffin's last question But first I feel In some way obligated To tell you that You can get advice from us in a myriad ways

Through twitter If you hit up Pound signed mbmbam Or at mbmbam Go to mbmbam.com Facebook group We don't really take questions on Facebook

But I mean we're in that group all the time So a lot of good pictures A lot of good pics T-shirts are coming If you want a t-shirt, make sure to go to the facebook group They're coming way out on the kind of thing you want Right now we're thinking Like

A grey t-shirt With a version of the mbmbam logo In white A cream t-shirt with the hey jeffrey Image in purple And What was the other one? My one is a brown shirt

With cream printing Some sexy stretchy pants With mbmbam across the butt Or mbmbams Possessive Who asses this? This ass Bima bimbams

So far as far as celebrity endorsement goes We've got Mr. Craig B. Erko And a halfie From Kim Jong Halfie from Kim Jong From a community We came so close Do you understand how frustrating that is?

That guy is so funny He's not a proper endorsement I would have made my week I'll go ahead and endorse him Go to mtv.com Vote for him for the MTV movie awards What's he up for? Best kiss? He's up for his penis

For best what the fuck moment In hangover And best villain in something What award did you win? Because I won an Oscar What did you win this year? My penis won an award This is for the hangover

Remember when I got my penis I won an award for that MTV sway came out and he gave me a penis Come on mom, you remember that You remember that penis thing That happened in the movie Also mbmbam At gmail.com

I don't remember you saying that one But that's a really great way to get a hold of us And the form spring Lots of great questions on form spring If you got something creepy You don't want to call her out by name That's a good way to Last question of the day

Comes to us from yahoo answers user Mara She asks From your experience Does tjmax administer a drug test To potential employees I'm Justin McRoy I'm Travis McRoy

I'm Griffin McRoy And this has been my brother My brother and me Never know me Yeah!