My Dad Wrote A Porno - Belinda Blinked 4; The Blurb

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Ahead of the start of season 4 on Monday 27 August, Jamie, Alice and James read the blurb of 'Belinda Blinked 4' to find out what's in store for Belinda and co. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

Hello, guys. How are you? My dad wrote a porno. Well, it's not quite time yet. My dad wrote a porno. Well, it's not quite time yet. My dad wrote a porno is about to be back. Sure. On Monday the 27th of August, Alice. Really not very long to wait. Really not at all.

I'm busy, so I won't be able to make it. You wish. You've been waiting for this all year, James Cooper. It's the bank holiday. I've got things to do. How is it not in your porn calendar? Oh, it's definitely in that. Look at his face.

And oh my God, the mother of cliffhangers. The special one. People are talking about it months and months and months later. I know. Who is the special one? Why is the special one? How is the special one? We know where the special one is in East Berlin, apparently.

Of course, of course. That's where we left her. Yeah, exactly. And my dad has released the blurb of Belinda Blinked for... No! I know. Oh God, it's going to be batshit. Well, he's also released the full title as well.

Because if you remember correctly, my dad isn't a fan of just Belinda Blinked 1, 2, 3 and 4. No. It also has to have a subtitle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How the most successful woman in business is the subtitle longer than the blurb um i'd say it's neck and neck yeah yeah go on then so belinda blinked four yeah so the title is belinda blinked four semicolon colon colon, colon. I think that might be a genuine type. An erotic story of sexual prowess,

sexy characters, and even bigger business deals. Even bigger than the other three. Whilst the darkness increases. What does that mean? Semicolon. Keep following the sexiest sales. Oh that mean? Semicolon. Keep following the sexiest sales... Oh, God, double semicolon.

Is this the book? New line. Keep following the sexiest sales girl in business as she continues to earn her big, huge bonus... Big, huge bonus. ...by being the best at removing her tight silken stockings further into the darkness what does that mean as in like it's after the summer solstice so we're getting the nights are getting

darker yeah clocks have gone back it's autumn basically that's all it means it's set in the autumn i love that he thinks as well he's like you do three books for the fourth you have to start going darker he's taking a leaf out of like the batman series and things like that and 50 shades right that's darker as it goes on is it well one's called 50 shades darker there you go you have to start going darker. He's taken a leaf out of like the Batman series and things like that. And Fifty Shades, right? That's darker as it goes on, is it? Well, one's called Fifty Shades Darker. Oh, there you go.

So is this his dark night? Oh, do you think it's going to go really, really noir? Steeles is going to be plunged into chaos. It's going to be a den of iniquity like Gotham City. I mean, it is a den of iniquity

like Gotham City. Belinda is a femme fatale. She will stop at nothing to sell the last batch of... Oh, okay, right. You have to read the blurb. Go on. Yeah, okay.

From Rocky Flintstone. Ooh. The self-published author. Very much self-published there. Yes, well done. He's legally obliged to say that. All of publishing got together to demand that he put self in front of it.

Seriously, still self-published after four books. Well, he is also a published author, but just not for this book. Oh, sure. But he found fame that way. He's going to stay true to his roots. From Rocky Flintstone, the self-published author who put the rot in erotica. Well, that's true. That's true.

I think that's actually a quote from The Guardian or something. Meaning it's rotten to the core, like it's stagnant and it's kind of moulding. Yeah, most authors would take offence to that. He's reclaimed it. Very much a badge of honour for my dad. The fourth book of the Belinda Blink series leaves the faithful reader... Hmm. Worst fair, reader.

There probably is one left. Faithful though. It's probably dipping in and out at best. Leaves the faithful reader again gasping for oxygen. Because they're laughing, not because they're aroused or in any way intrigued or excited. It's also because of the length of the sentences. You do genuinely gasp for breath to finish a sentence.

The fourth book of the Belinda Blink series leaves the faithful reader again gasping for oxygen as treason threatens the very fabric of our world. Our world! Treason! It's very, very serious, that, isn't it? That's severe, yeah. Does he mean treason? I don't think so.

Unless this is all set in, like, the White House. Treason? But that's like medieval monarchies, isn't it? Oh my God. Belinda Blink III ended in high suspense a super villain hair Wolfgang Bisch exposed his plans

to dominate the world of pots and pans a super villain I know I never thought of him as a super villain he's got whooping cough hasn't he

yeah maybe maybe that's his super power yeah maybe he's not a well man also got his first name Wolfgang. I was going to say, did we know Wolfgang was his first name? Well, there you go.

He's revealing key details that you could have saved for the book. That's a really stupid thing to say. His first name's not Hare. That's like Mr. Yeah. I thought his first name was Hare. I thought it was a German name.

Spell it, please. H-E-R-R, right? Yeah. I just thought loads of people were called that in Germany. No, you didn't. Is that Monsieur? Yeah, pretty much.

No, I know. No, I know. That's cool. It's a funny joke. He's also, and you know, this happens with Dad. There is a bit of irregularity with the way he's spelling bish. Oh, Jamie, don't nip it. Sometimes.

It's bitch. You don't nip it. Sometimes... It's bitch. Sometimes it's just simple B-I-S-H. Sometimes there's a C thrown in there. I imagined it with a C. I did also. B-I-S-C-H.

And sometimes it's B-I-S-C-U-I-T. It's actually biscuit, which is strange. B-I-S-C-H. Singing B-i-s-c-h singing b-i-s-c-h he is b bonkers invincible he is a super villain he is c quite the cutie H. Can't think of an H. Hair. Hair. Hair. There you go. His hair. His first name, Hair. That was lovely, guys.

Also, I must stress that I don't think quiet starts with a C. I was getting to cutie. Oh, okay, right. Quite the cutie. Oh, just emphasise that cutie. That's great. So, as supervillain Hair Wolfgang Bisch exposed his plans to dominate the world of pots and pans taking belinda's company down in the process that is the process isn't it that's the plan and also not belinda's company she just works there but belinda has set a blistering pace and her customers are unrelenting i would say they're occasional shoppers rather than unrelenting.

Yeah. They're uninterested. They need Belinda to be on top of her game. Who's they? The customers. Right. Who are these customers that are so obsessed with the person that is the sales director

of their favourite pots and pans company? It's like, you know, Jim Sterling, Peter Rouse. Oh, not your basic customers in your shops. Oh, well, possibly them as well.'re not customers are they, they're clients All of the lady voices, maybe that's who he's referencing there Belinda's not a checkout girl She's not like in the shop selling The individual pots and pans

But I wouldn't say that Jim's a customer Well I guess he sort of is He's a client Don't get pedantic with me Alice Levine I can't believe we're getting involved in this again. But Belinda has set a blistering pace and her customers are unrelenting. They need Belinda to be on top of her game

as they continue to order more and more of the products they so love from their favourite international sales director. Oh my God, Sage. Nobody cares about pots and pans, really. Wouldn't you think if they were unrelenting, they'd have sold more? They've not sold very many.

They really haven't, have they? She's sold seven pots. They're at a deficit, if anything. After all, a pot is a pot, and a pan is a pan. Is that Descartes that said that? That is word count filler, if ever I've heard it. So why not buy them from the best?

Why not, Jamie? Yes. Great sex, betrayal, large breasts and hotel room chatter. Oh, you know the classic combo. Can we also just talk about Jamie's hands as he's reading this? He's really like, you were literally holding breasts then. I'm doing my full kind of Ian McKellen Shakespearean reading.

Richard Burton, you know. Carry on. Yes. Great sex, betrayal, large breasts and hotel room chatter. Never mind the odd bottle of Australian Chardonnay. Of course. A gin and tonic

and even better consensual sex. Never mind the odd bottle of Australian Chardonnay. Of course. A gin and tonic, an even better consensual sex. I would hope and presume. Even better. All come together to give you, faithful reader. Oh, the register is very unusual. A sexually charged atmospheric ride through Belinda Blinked 4.

You've been warned. Bloody hell. That's a bit, no, that's the final thing we say to everybody. Always end on a threat. Honestly. I'm no clear. All I think we're getting is some like gossip in a hotel room. That's about as much as I took from that.

And a massive pair of knockers. Yeah. That's nothing new. So it's just more of the same. Classic Belinda Blinked. Brilliant. So join us on Monday, the 27th of August, because Porno Day is returning.

Woohoo! And to get you in the mood, we have written a full-blown theme song for Belinda Blinked 4. It's called The Special One. Because who is The Special One? We need to know. I love it so much.

It's got like trumpets and strings. And a full video. It's got a trumpets and strings. And a full video. It's got a music video. It's an actual pop video. It is, yeah. You can check it out on all of our social platforms. So do give it a watch. But for now, here it is.

For your ears only. The special one. What has he done? Is Rocky an author? The eyes of a spy are everywhere Deliciously poisonous, dripping in leather Who could it be and do we care? Is it Giselle or Linda or Bella? Happy, creepy stains No one is safe, the world's changed forever

Is this how it ends? Steal it all, one walk's not enough Betrayal lies in the book The special one. What's her name? Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes.

Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.