My Dad Wrote A Porno - Best of Book Five

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

Jamie, James and Alice look back on some of the funniest highlights of book five in Rocky Flintstone's magnum opus, 'Belinda Blinked', ahead of opening book six on Monday 24th May. Visit mydadwroteaporno.com for live tour tickets in 2022. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's been a while guys, hasn't it? Alice and James, how are you both? This is such a treat! I know, so nice to see you! Good to see you too. Now before we open up Belinda Blinda blinked six we're going to relive belinda blinked five which is good because i've done a bit of analysis and i've completely forgotten most of it well i've done a bit of a james and been a total swat and revised up on it but only half fast and gone about halfway so i'm going to be like really really up on it and then it gets like episode seven or eight and i'll be like doesn't ring a bell i mean that's when it fell off anyway

so i think you're fine and and they do say before you move on into the future, you need to relive past traumas and get through them so that you can move ahead. So this is so that we hopefully don't repeat toxic behaviours or bad patterns. Okay, fine. Jamie, we had to turn the mics on immediately because we just noticed something about you

when we sat down. Okay, so... Are you wearing hair clips? Right, okay. The thing is... It you wearing hair clips? Right, okay. The thing is... It's got hair clips in. No. You look beautiful, but I just, I've never seen you wear hairpins before.

Why have they got flowers on? We've been in lockdown for so long. Everyone in the UK hasn't been able to go to the barbers for literally about half a year at this point. And you to the salon. And my hair, because it's such a kind of mad curly mess you wanted to try a new look i just had to no i'm trying to retain the look that i have normally which is one side shorter and so i'm trying to like keep it down on one side with some you flattened your hair with about i can

count three clips i think there's three so everybody can picture it's sort of a shirley temple kind of vibe isn't it like it's not at all like a young starlet you know kind of a Shirley Temple kind of vibe, isn't it? It's not at all. Like a young starlet, you know, kind of a different era, isn't it? There's a sort of retro charm to it. It's the fact that they were just unannounced. He knew we'd see them. And then you found one on the floor, so he's been doing it for months. They're blood everywhere. Honestly, I keep forgetting that I have them in,

and I go to bed and I wake up with hairpins in my bed. It's awful. I just feel so betrayed. I just wish I'd known. But we've been doing Zooms for so long, and it doesn't really show up. He'll be wearing one of those ones that art teachers wear. I think they're called a bulldog clip. You know those ones that like, where the teeth go into each other.

I thought these were the most kind of subtle ones that I could have got. They're very discreet. Because you can get those butterfly ones. You can get those a whole range on offer. Oh, it's a butterfly, isn't it? It's a butterfly clip I'm thinking of. Right. I feel like he's one step away from a scrunchie.

They're bobby pins. Bobby pins. That's what they're called. It's unmanunchie. They're bobby pins. Bobby pins. That's what they're called. It's unmanageable. It's really bringing me down, actually. How we've all changed since we were last here. This is the thing. It's been a Potsdam pandemic.

It's just been awful. It really has. And now we're having to live with the consequences. I just wish you'd warned us that he was doing it. What do you mean? Just so we could be... Well, if James came in with a buzz cut, it would take your breath away, wouldn't it?

But this is just... All they're doing is... I hate the way he points at them with a flat arm. Yeah, it was such a delicate hand on them. Oh, God. I don't know. Maybe they used them in the club theatre when they had to wig up or something.

I don't know. In the wig room. Anyway, back to book five. Well, it all got a bit complicated in book five, didn't it? It got really dense story wise which is something i never thought i'd say about rocky plinstone this was the kind of the genre book really this is where we went deep into the world of espionage and the detail i'm sure like true spies would agree was incredibly inaccurate so it feels like we should go back

to the beginning of the book and kind of work out the plot for me. Okay. And for the listeners. Right. So, well, it all started with the aftermath of the bomb in the car park of Steel Shots and Pans. Yes, of course. And we remember everyone was scattered and we didn't know who was alive, who was dead. Yeah, and the book actually started with Belinda in heaven, if you recall.

Oh my God. And there were a few other people with her. So Mrs. Heddlesburg was knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela. Freddie Mercury was teaching Anne Boleyn the Charleston shuffleback. Come on! And Dick Van Dyke was humming alone by the loos. Dick Van Dyke's dead!

Dick Van Dyke's alive! He's alive! No, he's not! He's sent him to an early grave! To be fair, he is nearly dead. Is he's not. He sent him to an early grave. To be fair, he is nearly dead. Is he honestly not dead? He's still making films. He's just in Mary Poppins.

He's doing his Mary Poppins. Oh, my God. Well, in Dad's world, he's gone. And at last, Chex, still with us. Thank goodness. Yeah, I was going to say, he's now 95. Oh, wow. Have you seen his wife? A lovely wife. I have seen his Yeah, I was going to say, he's now 95. Oh, wow. Have you seen his wife?

A lovely wife. I have seen his wife, James Cooper. Do not look at me that way. She's... A tad younger? Just a tad. 47 years younger. No, she's not.

Sorry, 46 years younger. Quite the age gap. It's just a number. Exactly. Two years, 46 years, come on. And Dick Van Dyke's young at heart, so... Well, precisely. It's how you feel, isn't it?

Also, I thought you guys would like this little tidbit of information. Do you know that Shane Van Dyke directed And at heart. Well, precisely. It's how you feel, isn't it? Also, I thought you guys would like this little tidbit of information. Do you know that Shane Van Dyke directed and stars in Titanic 2, which I'm sure you would both enjoy if you haven't already. Titanic 2? I don't know. What's a Titanic 2? What? It's the, I think, unofficial...

I mean, James Cameron not involved. As you imagine, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, not involved. But yeah, 100 years after the original disaster yes they build another luxury liner called Titanic 2 and they set sail

along the same path well that seems like an absolute mistake then a looming iceberg well you can imagine the rest it doesn't go well another iceberg

I think it's another iceberg oh my god and what this is set in what 2012 then yes and very good

and I think like climate change means there's a big wave and stuff. A wave and an iceberg. I think they're fine with the iceberg because they prepped in advance for that. Because they were like, let's not fall for that again. They closed the bunk heads early. That's what they did. How have I not seen this film?

You would love it. You know how we loved The Room with Tommy Wiseau? Yes. Well, I think Shane writes it, directs it, wrote the theme tune, et cetera. And Shane is what, the son of Dick Van Dyke? Grandson, I believe. Okay, and who, is he in it as well? Is he the star?

I mean, is he the star? He stars in it. Okay, yes, okay. He's a leading role. Yes, precisely. Okay, what a gifted family. Honestly. Who knew?

I didn't know your Van Dyke knowledge was so wide-ranging. Well, it wasn't at the time, but after Rocky falsely accused him of being dead, I felt like I should do my research, lest we do that again. And as Lynn said, very, very much alive. The most alive person he's ever met. So I think he'll be with us for a while. Spry, as I believe you said.

I just love, I love that image of heaven. I think that's one of the best depictions of heaven I've ever seen. But of course she didn't stay there. She came, she was pulled back to earth. Her time, it wasn't her time. It wasn't her time. She wasn't ready to die. But who was about to die was Bella, if we recall that.

Yes, do I? And she was in the coma and then had to be attended by a doctor. Dr. Stud. Dr. Stud. Dr. Stud beckoned Belinda to sit down. Dr. Stud. Dr. Stud. Dr. Stud beckoned Belinda to sit down. Dr. Stud. This is a proper porno. What appears to be the

issue, Dr. Stud? You gonna put your thermometer in me, Dr. Stud? I've been a very naughty girl. No, it's not naughty in hospital, have you? It's prison. Very sickly. I've been a very naughty girl. No, it's not naughty in hospital, have you? It's prison. Very sickly. I've got thrush, Dr. Sturd.

I've got a low platelet count, Dr. Sturd. My blood pressure's all over the shop, Dr. Sturd. I've got this unusual dermatological issue, Dr. Sturd. Okay, you two are enjoying this way, way too much. God, we really reached Dr. Studd for all she knew. We were like, what's every possible scenario of Dr. Studd? Let's say them all. I apologise for getting the gender of Dr. Studd wrong.

Yeah, we both did. Well, you did it first. I listened back. You introduced Dr. Studd being a boy. You introduced Dr. Studd being a man. You seeded that james oh i didn't realize you were listening back so you could weaponize the material alice and accuse me of some rank chauvinism what is the statute of limitations on that because i have the

evidence and you let me fall for it you let me fall because yeah we just assumed it was a man because dr stud to be fair stud yeah and it was a woman and rocky flipped our expectations completely and the good thing is dr stud saved bella fantastic yeah it and it was a woman and rocky flipped our expectations completely and the good thing is dr stud saved bella fantastic yeah it was it was kind of by having sex on top of her wasn't it yeah but she kind of like honey lingers to her out of her coma which is nice and then i think it's like literally as soon as you woke up like sent her out it was like you can go home yeah outpatient and then we went to the safe house with monty the grand master of the keys or something yes so sorry just for a bit of extra context so the safe house with Monty the Grandmaster of the Keys or something yes so sorry just for a bit

of extra context so the safe house was where the confidential order of cookware knights were hiding after the bomb had gone off

you know they were like we're all under threat here so they found an anonymous house and all basically lived there together almost like big brother

and the cocks are all of the people from Steeles and also the Duchess and Paddy the cocks are all of the people from Steeles and also the Duchess. And Paddy the Barman. And Paddy the Barman. And their aim is what again? Yeah, that's what I don't think ever became clear.

Because obviously the blueprints had been stolen. Was this the thing? No, no. Slintz had been stolen who had the blueprints in his head. Who had the blueprints in his head. In his anciently head. Right. So, yeah, why did they have to hide? Well, because the threat was real, clearly, because there was a bomb.

I disagree. And I think they were all working together to save Steeles. It seems to be like some sort of offshoot of Steeles. Right. Like some department of Steeles. Steeles Plus. And they were protecting Steeles from Bish. I mean some sort of offshoot of Steeles. Right. Like some department of Steeles. Steeles Plus. And they were protecting Steeles from Bish. I mean, they were hiding in the safe house,

but they were also having a lot of sex in the safe house. Well, what's a safe house for? One particular move, shall we say? Maneuver? Sex act was quite disgusting. Want to try the hump and skunk? Maeve asked them. I dread to think what that is.

What dark magic was this? Tony thought aloud. Oh, wait, skunks. Skunks, bums. That's what I thought, like... Oh, no. Oh, don't. I would say that's the most famous thing about a skunk.

What dark magic was this? Tony thought aloud. Maeve laughed heavily at Tony's sexual ineptitude it's simple her teeth tittered you hump one of us while the other is eating while eating

eating what? a sandwich what a time to hesitate sorry I'm so disgusted sorry you hump one of us on the other is eating. Eating what? Finish your sentence. Don't make me please.

Eating what? A skunk. You hump one of us while eating the other's asshole until full. Until full? What does that mean? I've never got over until full. Until full? What does that mean? I've never got over until full. No, the portion control element of it is really intense, isn't it?

I mean, we never, we're very sex positive here. So obviously if you hump and skunk, go wild in the aisles. But I think it's the fact that your dad has created that move. And I presume that that's not got a name. I'm sure that's not a copyright issue is it that's not a move that already exists with a name no i think you googled it at the time and it was it didn't have an urban dictionary entry but now it does oh does it now someone's done it oh that's good oh my god so many people have entered it during a threesome involving at least

one male or female with a sizable strap on you hunt one of them while eating the other's asshole until completely full they've had to do oh just rimming I mean it's not technically rimming is it it's a different thing it's rimming while fucking but what I mean is

with rimming you don't consume anything you don't consume anything maybe the full to give Rocky some is metaphorical till you're till you're

till you're satisfied of love lust oh I'm just lusted like full of love. Full of love. Lust. Oh, I'm just lusted up. Full of joy. I mean, a great bit of branding though. The Hump and Skunk sounds fantastic. It swept the nation.

I don't know what's more offensive, the Hump and Skunk or my Maeve accent. That was actually a lot. Although not the worst example in that book of your vocal stylings. I think you know what I'm talking about. What do you mean? Do you mean Geronimo St. Frost first?

A fan favourite. Because obviously Belinda went to get some, what was it, acting training? She went to get training as a spy, yeah. She went to RADS, of course, rather than RADA. Yes. Because we could never mention RADA in the book. What did RADA stand for? Royal...

Academy of Drama and Stuff. And Stuff. Exactly. Emphasis very much on the stuff. A lot of stuff. Because there's not much acting going on there. But Belinda did pass the acting test. Degree?

She's only there an hour. Doctorate. With Flying Colours. Oh my God, Bel Belinda fuck me sideways and up the wall Jesus Christ screeched Frost first Belinda did

as Belinda does and just choked on my own spit Belinda did as Belinda does. And Geronimus and Frostfurce was gagging for it, all delirium and hum. Do you want to know a secret? Belinda spoke onto her fizzing face.

Oh my God. Yes, please do tell all, moaned the acting mistress. I don't find you attractive. She was acting! And then, you're an ugly bitch. Surprise! And that's the end of the performance. Oh, Belinda. So she's like, I don't find you attractive.

You are truly an actress for the ages. Give that woman an Oscar. Credit where credit's due. When Rocky wants to do a twist, he really pulls it out of the bag. That really surprised me. And the curtain falls. Oh, standing ovation.

Absolutely incredible. So she seduced her, but just to show that she had the acting chops. Yeah, so funny. Full name of the acting teacher? Geramima St. Frostford. Fantastic. What a woman.

So Belinda's now fully trained as a spy after that one session one acting session she's ready to go and then she makes her way to germany i think it was germany and another misstep in my voice work well she has a new persona now of course oh yeah she was smithy wasn't smithy and spoon T. Yeah, I spelt T-E-A. T-Spoon. And what was their mission? To infiltrate Bish's... I presume to rescue slints. Yes.

Yeah. And to get back the blueprints. But they did run into his personal assistant, Bish's personal assistant, Petra. I have to say, one of my favourite moments from the entire series was meeting Petra. I... If I...

You can fire too long. Oh, my God, it makes my face hurt. Hello, I'm Petra, Herbish's personal assistant. I love Petra's voice. Oh, we heard about her, didn't we? We did. We are sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm afraid Herbish has had one of his chronic asthma attacks

pardon? asthma attacks is she having one? hello hello hello I'm just talking to the mole then give me one second hello one of his chronic asthma

attacks she's delirious And it's just She's delirious And it's just been rushed to his private hospital Jamie move your lips Honestly are you okay? Um Why won't you sound out the words? One of his chronic asthma attacks

Dicks Yes And it's just been Rushed to his private rushed to his private hospital. No, his private hospital. Why is she four years old? She's just using her words. However, I'm here, so I will meet with you both.

I hope you understand. I hope you understand. It's my private hospital. I hope you understand. No, I don't understand. Sorry, what did do you understand No I don't understand Sorry what did you just say Not a word Sorry Stop listening

Because of your stupid voice Could you write it all down Sorry am I ruining it Sorry You put a lot of vowels in however It was the longest Considering all the other words Were so fast

Shall I read it as just In my own accent No that's quite right No read it one more time And we won't We won't interrupt We'll try not to react In Petra In Petra Hello Read it as just in my own accent. No, that's quite right. No, read it one more time and we won't interrupt. We'll try not to react. Interrupt him.

In Petra. In Petra. Hello. I'm Petra, Herr Bisch's personal assistant. We are sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm afraid Herr Bisch has had

one of his chronic asthma attacks and has just been rushed to his private hospital his private hospital he will he will I'm here so I will meet with you both

I hope you understand never has I hope you understand. Never has, I hope you understand, been more redundant. Oh my God. Honestly, I can't breathe. How have you been? German, that's supposed to be. Sorry, yeah.

Oh my God, how have you been? And what was the other be. Sorry, yeah. Oh my God, I have Hjelmstein. And what was the other, Hjelmsteen? I can't even... It's amazing because you almost invented your own accent. I've never heard that accent before in any country. It's so erratic. It's so quick and then slow and then loads of vowels. I was very relieved that she only appeared in one chapter because I don't think I could ever do it again.

Oh my God. And what even was her job? PA? It's the thing now how is she so memorable she was so useless oh petra what i mean that won't ever not bring me joy so while all this was going on as well giselle and tony's brother george yes the one who the ex military who just turned up yeah the mank guy are working Bish. And they'd kidnapped Slints. They had Slints in like a basement somewhere, a dungeon. Yeah, and then Giselle accidentally killed him with her vagina.

I hate it when that happens. And then they got a call from Bish to say, come and have dinner with me tonight because Belinda and Spooner had come undercover as insurance people. I forgot that! Life insurance people! Oh my god! They've come to sort a new life insurance policy

for the oldest man in the world. And then Giselle had to pretend that she was ill and she had to, quote, quarantine her ass. Very apt. Oh, very prophetic. And then they realised that they had to get the hell out of there because they'd just killed Slint and Bish would definitely kill them.

Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room and sang, OK Georgie, poor G. To the tune of... Georgie Poggi We have only 40 minutes to get out On the road What are you doing? Georgie Poggi

What's it to the tune of? Would you have a better tune that you would have given it to? What are you doing? I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. What's into the tune? Would you have a better tune that you would give it to? Have you just decided that? Oh my God, it goes straight to Hades. I can't bear him doing it again, but he's going to do it again. Oh my God. He won't get past 40.

He won't get past 40. I won't do it. Okay, so Giselle Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room so you get used over Georgie Porgie okay so excited and sang

okay Georgie Porgie we only have 40 minutes to get out or thereabout pack your stuff and slints. What was that tune? Pack your stuff and slints! What is that tune? Is it the Lombarda?

I don't know. No, but you've changed the tune to fit the really bad lyrics. Oh my God. I just love the idea that she's just killed slints and put her life in danger and she's just skipping around, singing merrily. Well, she's potentially a psychopath, isn't she? She's absolutely nuts.

Pack your stuff and slints. I mean, if that isn't a mantra for life. Pack your stuff and slints? What does that mean? Pack slints. Pack your stuff and slints. What does that mean? Pack slints. Pack your stuff and pack slints. I've never thought about that. That does mean bundle them into a boot, doesn't it?

Do you remember all the remixes we got of the songs? Some very good kind of dance numbers that people made out of that. Yeah, it is a banger. I mean, there's no getting around that. But it just seems like an unusual mood to be in. I think she was so relieved to have been given a reprieve to get out and save her ass. I just hate it when he goes into this mode.

He gets really serious faced. I think what it was actually, Alice, was she was granted a reprieve and she was really over the moon about that. I think what Rocky's trying to do is create both light and shade and I think at times like this they've got a moment of levity.

Well you've got to remember about the moon. And then upstairs there was a meal going on where Belinda and Spooner had joined Bish

for dinner. And this was just sort of the most awkward dinner party ever wasn't it? Yeah I mean we loved the hump and skunk but Rocky also came up

with a new word for a trump. He did. A fart. Bish let out a stinky gentleman woof. Oh, come on! That's what we're calling a fart. A gentleman woof.

A gentleman woof. Oh, God. But wait, that means it's the focus of the chapter, so we're not going to brush over this quickly. No, this is going to linger. Oh God, it's going to linger. Oh no. A poisonous gentleman woof.

He let out a stinky gentleman woof. No one laughed. Oh, sorry. I didn't realise it was for the group. No one laughed. But they did all wince at the toxic stench of a man not well inspired.

Oh my God, I bet it stank. I'd just like to firstly apologise for my annoying laugh. It sounds like it's a fucking tropical bird. It's really too late for that.

I just really enjoyed what a kind of florid and very vivid description of the absolutely putrid insides of Bish your dad managed to conjure. Because he was rotten inside, wasn't he? And then we had quite an interesting escape from that particular setup. From the schlosh. From the schlosh, indeed. When Belinda and Spooner had to

make a run for it through the most unlikely of places. The duo walked through the doors of a German fast food establishment called It Curry Be Versed. It's not even a good play

on words. It Curry Be Versed. It Curry Be Versed. It's not even a good play on words. It curry be worse. It curry be worse. It curry be worse. It curry be worse. Actually, it starts to really work as you let it seep in. Does it? It curry be worse.

It curry be worse, which is obviously a play on it couldn't be worse, which is not the sort of thing you'd want to hear. It couldn't be worse, which is obviously a play on it couldn't be worse, which is not the sort of thing you'd want to hear. That's really cool. It couldn't be worse. It's just so stupid. I mean, there'll be somewhere called that. There will. I hope there is now.

I hope that, yeah, that establishment exists. It couldn't be worse. Curry be versed. But that was what led them into the secret headquarters. This is a complete blank for me now. Oh, this is where you stop listening to your... Yeah. Okay, this is where your homework stops.

What episode is this? It's the end of chapter seven. Oh, yeah, no, I didn't get this far, no. So they went through It Could Be Versed and the corridor became quite ornate. It's like I'm hearing it for the first time. And they had to walk through a portrait of the Queen Mother or something and then

inside was the Duchess and we revealed that she was the head of all things important. Head of intelligence. Head of spies. So she's basically M and she So is that MI5, then?

Is it? Is it, or MI6? I don't know. I think Dad fluctuates between the two of them. So why the hell should we know? Maybe both, all of it. She's the overall head of British Intelligence Services or something. I just can't imagine them shopping around for, like, a secret headquarters,

and be like, oh, what's that? It could really be worse. Should we do it in the basement of it? Oruchess is like this is gonna sound really mad but the place i get my lunch is quite good what's it called curry be versed tell me more go on but maybe it's quite smart because no one's going to go into it curry be versed because it couldn't be worse so the footfall is minimal so it's just a chance of being discovered exactly right sure but belinda was quite shocked at that revelation. I mean, that is quite shocking.

So she had to go back to her apartment and just have some downtime with her favourite gal pal, Bella Ridley. Okay, this is my, I'm just putting this down, this is my favourite moment

of Belinda Blink-5. Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella's. Telly! Oh, Bella, what do you like doing? Telly! Oh, okay. Any hobbies?

Telly! Anything in particular? Telly! Web is on! Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella. It even says Telly. But Belinda was unfamiliar with its treasures. She's unfamiliar with Telly.

Are you serious? She doesn't know what telly is. She much preferred to practice decoupage in her downtime. Oh, so, wait, we thought we were maybe in the 80s, but we're in the, I don't know, 1800s? What's decoupage? Cutting out things from magazines and sticking them to bits of furniture. Bella! No, that's Belinda's best time.

Making, like, scrapbook spaces. No, on, like, tables and chairs and stuff. Decorating surfaces of furniture with cut-out pictures generally of flowers and then putting paper paste over the top and varnishing it. It's too... Honestly. It's just not true. We've never known her to do it. It's too, honestly. This is not true.

We've never known her to do that. It's just not true. They're the best. They're the best two women I've ever met. They're so wonderful. Look where they live.

Their shitty little lives. I'm so glad she didn't die. James, their shitty little lives I'm so glad she didn't die James their shitty little lives you said that was it me oh I'm so sorry

to the day coupage community that's not about the day coupage but you were beside yourself I actually thought you were going to cry I just think it was the combined image

of Bella watching telly and Belinda in the background decoupaging a stool i mean you literally said they're the best two women you've ever met never met them fictional characters for one but how they have no fucking and also see they're the pits yeah i just think they're so funny and unique and like they're constantly surprising who would have ever expected that belinda was a decoupage enthusiast well we didn't ever ask did we it's our own fault really because i kind of imagine that's like how they'll end up in year like when they're in their 60s 70s and

they're retired institutionalized that's when they'll do stuff like that not now she definitely doesn't have time to be doing that now. She's on some massive mission. I thought when you said she was going to take some downtime, I was thinking, oh, maybe she goes back to the flat for a kip or a shag. But to sit and decoupage. The gall. The absolute gall of it. Who would decoupage when there's a water bell upstairs?

I mean, madness. And then for some reason, and I'm not really sure why, they go to Australia. Oh, shit, Of course they do. And we meet one of the top celebrities in Australia. Absolutely. Who'd already done Dancing in the Sky with Firecrackers or whatever it was. Mr. Cosmo Macaroon.

Cosmo Macaroon. You all know him from his many, many cooking shows. He's one of the biggest names in Australia. And in the culinary world. Because I think, was it Bella that the the president of his fan club and so she ran the Cosmo Macaron again another thing

what? didn't know that so she gets them access to him and they try and sell him Steele's pots and pans utensils to use on his cooking show yes

but they had quite an unusual way to sell them in that they seduced him. You say unusual, I say the only way they know how. We want to change the pots and pans you use on your show to the oxy-brillo range from steels, pots and pans. Seal me, ladies, Cosmo said as he started fucking each vag at a time. They're very good, screamed Belinda mid-bonk.

They're huff-puff, non-stick, huff-puff, environmentally nice, huff-puff, light to the touch, huff-puff, and only... Stop! And only 45 AUD dollars wholesale. Half puff. Half puff. Half puff. Do it again, do it again.

This is how Belinda sells the Octobrillo range. My favourite is environmentally nice. I like AUD dollars. I've got a lot of time for that. Huff puff. Huff puff. Huff puff. But yeah, then Giselle saw them.

I think she was on a camera crane. And saw them. In the dressing room. In Australia. What are the chances? What is happening? Well happening well no i think they did now i come to think of it i think they went to australia on giselle's trail oh right somehow knew she'd gone to australia okay that makes sense oh yeah that's way that's way smarter

and whilst they were in australia obviously um bella and belinda uh befriended Quince, if you remember him. He was like a backpacker. I do not. Oh, yeah, they had like a whole week's holiday, didn't they? Oh, in the big dormitory. Yes, with all the beds. And it was just a massive, like loads of beds stuck together. Yeah, she spent the night putting it together. She had her own little travel spanner, didn't she?

Oh my God, I don't remember, he was called Quince. And then they went off on a little trek and then whilst they were away, they got kidnapped by the black ops. Because Quince betrayed them. Yeah. So they were in the clink and Jailman was looking after them.

Jailman! But suddenly Giselle did something quite unexpected. Belinda, Bella and Spooner looked petrified as Giselle approached their cell. But. What? To their utter surprise. Not mine, not mine. She began unlocking the clink cage.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. You must escape now. Oh my God. Bish and his goons, not to mention Evil George, will be down soon. Evil George! There is no time. But you're an evil bitch, exclaimed Belinda. Let's not get into a slangy match now.

Exactly, get the fuck out of the cell. But you're an evil bitch, exclaimed Belinda. Guilty as charged. Now off you pop. Thank you, it'd be nice. I have been. It's true those words of yours.

But I was only doing it to save my poor mother. Oh, for fuck's sake, come on, this is shoehorned in. You see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say. Which I can barely spell or write down here.

And also, I'm rocky, so I kind of don't want to be too specific in case I get in trouble. She's got an illness that I don't have time to Google. You see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say. Oh, God, it is hard to say. Oh, my God, he's going to say it. Conchocotritis. Conchocotritis detritus. Oh, I've had that dessert.

It's delicious. It's a bit like a tiramisu. Yeah, it's Italian. Conchoc-a-what now? I think it was conchocotritis detritus that sounds dermatological doesn't it well it's clearly life-threatening it costs millions to get the research uh which is why she obviously became the special one needed the cash i don't think she ever got the cash did she well yeah let's unpack giselle's journey a bit because she's very she's very much back in the fold She's back in the glee team

So in theory she was the special one all along From book one And she was employed by Bish And he was going to give her the money to pay for her mum's treatment So she was never really on Bish's side She just needed the money So a few things Why did she kill Slint?

That was explained it was an accident Oh yeah because he had a cyanide pill, didn't he? He actually killed himself. Yeah. To get rid of the clue. She thought he might have been allergic to her vagina, but that wasn't it. It was that he killed himself.

Because I also read a theory about that, that Giselle... Read a theory? Oh my God. What are you talking about? Shut up. Hear me out, hear me out. That Giselle killed slints

so that Bish couldn't get his hands on the... She was deliberately sabotaging things because actually she was on their side all along. Oh, that's clever now. It's better than Dad came up with, yes. So that would explain why she did marry Tony because she did actually love Tony. Yeah, it's only ever been for the money.

Exactly. She's now a goody again. And then maybe the most consequential act of any of the books happened and it was really, really quite emotional for us all. The fight between George and Spooner was really not nice. You're a second-rate spy, Spooner. You're the laughingstock of the intelligence services

and I fucked your secretary behind the bins. Now that's just dirty play, isn't it? Yeah. I thought we were doing some nice capoeira. I thought we were being gentlemen about this fight. How dare you! Spoons yelled as he lunged to punch George. But George was quicker than most with a rotten leg.

Rotten? Oh, yeah. He's like... He's been war-wounded, this man. He'd pulled out a smallish dagger and... Why is everyone fighting with daggers? What shop are they getting these daggers from? Bella's got a butter knife.

What's everyone doing? He'd pulled out a smallish dagger and killed him there and then. Oh, my God! I'm still not over it. Well, I was kind of with George when he was like, you're a second race, but he was terrible at his job. He doesn't deserve to die. Well, no, sure.

But as a character, I feel like he'd kind of gone as far as he was going to go. He'd served his purpose. It's more that we don't get to hear. I can't do it that much. He's Scottish. You were over that as well, were you? Well.

You're like, not really bothered, actually. Didn't even remember we had an accent. Not really a highlight. And then the book ended with a massive twist. Do you remember what happened, guys? I do. Alice isn't, she's not clean. I do.

Let's play the clip. Okay. A helium balloon rose from below ground with a little basket full of Bavarian treats and steins of beer. In jumped Bish. In jumped George. What? And just as they were taking off,

they grabbed Belinda and hoisted her inside. No. Do you understand? What? They've kidnapped Belinda. Whatisted her inside. No! Do you understand? What? They've kidnapped Belinda. What do you mean? As they flew into the orange sky Belinda looked down at her crying

friends. As Bish scrappled for purchase. Oh, he didn't scrapple, did he? Scrapple? Lord above, don't scrapple. His lederhosen had ridden up his scrawny grey bum. He's wearing lederhosen. Da fuck.

Guys. What? Belinda gasped. On his rotten little leg. Wait, who's got the rotten leg? They've all got rotten legs. They've all got a rotten leg, haven't they? legs On his rotten little leg Why's everyone got gangrene? Sat a tattoo of three bees

Intertwined in fancy writing Belinda pulled up her own sundress And revealed the exact same crest On her upper thigh. Bish, Belinda, and who's the third bee? Yes, family. Hair Bish hissed as they flew far from anywhere. Genuine goosebumps.

What? Goosebumps. Oh, get over yourself. Actual goosebumps. I think you're just cold i'm quite cold in here things like that i'm like he's gonna thread this together in some amazing way or it's all just gonna make no sense well sometimes it's like it stands for beautiful bouncy balloon that's just a coincidence that would be brilliant so so essentially what bish is saying is these two are linked because of these tattoos, which Belinda never noticed she had.

And also she got, well, no, maybe she knows she's got it, but she didn't know that. No, that he had the same one. But then how did she get a tattoo? What a weird coincidence. Why did she think she had it? It's not like three stars on your hip

that everyone got when they were young. Yeah, a dolphin on the small of your back. Unless she was tattooed as a baby. Oh yeah, those baby tattoos such a big market but the implication being they are linked by blood

somehow somehow or is it family as in like the firm you know like like mafia family right

who knows I mean it could be neither of those things and it could be nothing whatsoever well yeah you'll have to come back to find out

because we're opening book six on May the... 24th. 24th. Monday, May the 24th. And we've got something very exciting, very limited edition, very exclusive to tell you about. Oh, it's so exclusive. It's a product. It's a product.

It's like we've made something. We are releasing an exclusive range of Belinda beers. So we did a bit of market research basically you guys emailing us booze hounds absolute piss heads but yeah reasonably they drink they drink reasonably and responsibly what we thought we'd do because every year now it's become tradition we have our listening party for the season premiere and we thought it'd be nice to celebrate with a with a few bevvies and we've themed them so they're all Belinda Blink specific. Beautiful cans.

They're kind of collector's items if you're that way inclined. I am, of course. Of course. I'll have a whole cabinet of them for when people come round. We actually asked you guys to help name these bevies. Yes. And I have the names here. Do you want to hear them guys?

Oh, yeah, I do. So we have a 4% pomegranate pale ale. Yum, yum. That is called Nectar of the Norse Gods. Oh, wonderful. Great suggestion. And we've got a G&T IPA. Ooh.

Belinda's Ruin. Oh, Mother's Ruin. Belinda's Ruin. A little play on words there. That'll be nice. A G&T IPA. I don't think I've ever had anything like it. I've had beer in a G&T.

Does that count? That party's gone by. And we've got a six percent chardonnay ale called heaven on a hat stand oh delish so that'll be crisp crisp um kind of dry bit of fruitiness there well if you like the sound of that the good news is you can pre-order if you're in the uk right now the link is live ready for the party ready for the party you'll have them just in time if you go to alphabet brewing.co.uk those are the people we've partnered with yeah a lovely

independent brewery up in manchester yeah artisan absolutely so it's alphabet brewing.co.uk forward slash mdwap see what that is it's an acronym of my dad at a porno we've never used that that's wonderful never used it alphabet brewing what would we do without you we'd be a lot more sober wouldn't we we would be but reasonably and responsibly of course very responsible and uh the good news is if you are an international listener they go on general sale on the 29th of april so you can try and pick up a pack then and you can do a combination too so you can get a couple of each or if you're planning on doing a zoom party a normal party whatever is allowed in your area then you can get a big old thing and share it and split the cost yeah like you say once you've drank the sweet nectar inside collector's item

little ornament i hadn't thought about drinking it first you're right drink it then fill it with sand oh wonderful to give the weight absolutely paperweight paperweight yes beautiful artwork on them though Yeah they look really cool So we will see you Bevvies in hand For the listening party On Monday the 24th of May At 8pm BST

That's British Summer Time Sharp And let's make it The biggest one ever Because it's not like Anyone's got anywhere to be Or am I just speaking for myself If you haven't done

A listening party with us before Basically we all press play Around the world At the same time And listen to the episode together and live tweet along using the hashtag porno

day so you get everybody's favourite bits worst bits some of the best gifts I've ever seen

I know people are so funny and creative it's actually better than the show people tweeting I was going to

say yeah the reactions are better so we'll see you there absolutely May the 24th we are opening Belinda Blinked 6

it's been so long come on