My Dad Wrote A Porno - Best of Book Four

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Jamie, James and Alice look back on some of the hilarious highlights of book four in Rocky Flintstone's 'Belinda Blinked' saga. The gang also reveal the date they'll be opening book five AND announce their brand new world tour for 2020. For full dates and ticket info, go to mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porno we are not back i repeat we are not back is this a false alarm false alarm alice what we're doing here we're doing best of book four oh a bit of a recap this is sort of the revision portion of the podcast. Exactly. If you've ever thought it was a chore before, these episodes are really, this is all like cramming, isn't it? But people may only just be coming to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Why do you say that?

Because we had something quite big happen a few weeks ago. It's the elephant in the room. It is, isn't it? Embarrassing. HBO, we did that. It happened. Yes. Thanks for watching. One hour on thanks for watching one hour on hbo

can one hour take down a whole channel don't know they've done it now haven't they yeah i think there was a number of unsubscriptions after that yeah there'll be some uh new ears on this some shushy people that have hbo they're like all right i want to see what this is about but this isn't for them is it no no no this is not the place to enter Belinda, so to speak. You need to go back to season one, episode one. Yeah, just because you have home box office doesn't mean you get to jump the queue. Exactly.

So go back to season one, episode one, with really tinny sound. We also have a big announcement. Oh, we do. Yeah, this is, I'm really excited about this. Are you expecting? Jamie's moving flat. No, it's not.

It's not that, But he is moving flat. We are once again hitting the road. A brand new show. 2020 World Tour. Another live sex show. Alice, we're going everywhere. Are we getting a tour bus this time? Because I would love to just live with you both for the whole time.

No fucking way. No. Separate rooms, separate flights. Can you imagine bunks? No. Just the three of us in bunks. Oh my God, are you kidding me? No way.

Okay, well, however we get there, we're going all over. We're going to Australia and New Zealand. We are. Back to the Sydney Opera House. Yay! Back to the scene of the crime. We're doing all over America, including Radio City Music Hall in New York. That's ridiculous. what the fuck i know

and the uk we are we're playing the london palladium do you know who else is playing the london palladium next year who madonna no she's not she is why do you mean why i mean it's good for us but for her i mean it's our career highlight but she should be embarrassed yeah she called them intimate shows. Oh, right. We're like, oh my God, the Palladium. Why isn't she at the Millennium Dome building? Isn't that where most big people play? No, I think she just genuinely wanted a smaller, intimate environment.

Something smaller is really big to us. So yeah, we're very, very excited. As Jamie said, it's a brand new live show. The Lost Chapter is gone. It's lost forget it properly um but if you want to know where we're going and come see us then go to my dad wrote a porno.com james wanted to recite every city and every date here and now but we suggested maybe that's what the website's for sydney prison i've forgotten the rest and also can we say the thing

can we say when we're coming back for book five season five no no no we're gonna save that to the end what why because we need people to listen to this oh right okay oh that's clever you've driven the retention rate up there and you know what people are going to do now jump ahead by 15 seconds lots of times well done and i don't blame them for cheats and vagabonds a lot of them have we Have we decided on a date? We have. Oh, okay, cool. We'll talk about it then. I'll do it with my hands. I hope you're available. Okay, but now let's relive, if that's appropriate, Belinda Blinked 4.

What a book. Story. Actual plot-ish. Highs, lows. Lows. Mainly lows. Mainly lows. Anal play.

Stop. Oh, smoke up the arse. Oh. Right, well, should we relive some of our favourite moments then? Yeah, I mean, my favourite still of the whole series, and something that became quite important, was when we learnt Giselle's full name at the wedding. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Tony Sylvester.

Sylvester? That's his surname? Sylvester. Not so weird. Okay. Oh, just Oh God, this is going to be an absolute honker, isn't it? I think I can do it. And Giselle Is it just a lot of consonants? Mars Chalk and Weird Declots

Declots Let's see. What did you even say? That's literally every letter in the alphabet. You didn't say anything before Declots. Oh, I've missed that voice. I have missed that voice. The vicar voice.

I quite like that vicar voice. So warbly. And also that name. How has he waited four books to share that? Because he just made it up. That became a meme all of its own, didn't it, when that came out? Yeah. I mean, people were guessing how it was spelt was the main thing.

I don't think we ever quite got a lot of A's, if I remember rightly. Well, apparently it's a real name. It's a real Dutch name. Not the de Klotz bit, I don't think. I think that was just poetic license. But the Maas- Charkavard bit is real. And did we ever establish whether they were double barreling, triple barreling?

No, we didn't, did we? She became Mrs. Sylvester. Did she? Yeah. She wasn't Mars Charkavard De Clotz Sylvester. No, no, no. She was just Mrs. Sylvester. But Belinda looked like Heaven on a Hat Stand, didn't she? Oh, she did. Heaven on a Hat Stand! There's been more unofficial merch with Heaven on a hat stand oh she did heaven on a hat stand

there's been more unofficial merch with heaven on a hat stand on it than any other line of the book I'd say it wasn't just the wedding that was kind of eventful them getting married obviously a huge moment but something happened when Belinda bumped into Helga in the toilets, do you remember that?

Helga pushed the chrome handle down, causing the rhapsodic flush to fill the room with a loud, tinkling water noise. Oh, she's using it to, like, block out what she's about to say. Oh, mask it. Helga said something, but Belinda didn't catch it. Oh, for...

Sorry, the toilet was flushing. What was that? Are you shitting me? Belinda shook her head whilst Helga fumed. What if she's telling her who the special one is? Oh, Gad. It's spelled G-A-D. Oh, okay.

Gad. Listen. I'm F-B-I. F B I No longer just famous for her mayonnaise. Oh, ow. Yeah, sorry.

I don't know where that came from. This was where it all kind of started to become ridiculous. Sorry, suspenseful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea that Helga was an FBI agent and that she'd been undercover for years another absolutely insane bit was go on the this is your favorite isn't it

switch bit is somebody having a gossip bubble well there might have been a bubble up there I don't know some smoke literally being blown up someone's arse. Then the cheeks being clamped together. Well, let's hear it. Contessa Lucia quickly turned 180 degrees, pushing her perfect rear end into the sky. Zachariah didn't need telling twice. Sensually, he pushed

a long drag of smoke into her bottom hole. Am I crying? Am I laughing? I don't even know anymore. Bottom hole. Into her bottom hole. I don't even know if he's invented a sex move there. Is that a thing that anyone's ever done? I've got some, like, sick stuck in my craw.

It is honestly one of the worst things he's ever written. But has he invented that? The human bong? Yeah. The bon-bon. The bum-bon. Bum-bunga, bum-bunga, they drink it in the conga. Sometimes I just feel like we've given him credit for getting better at writing.

Has he got better at sex? Like, does he know more about sex now? He's got more adventurous, that's for sure. He definitely has. He hasn't. The characters in the book. No, he's just obviously getting so bored about writing vanilla sex that he's going off on weird tangents and like,

what if they had some weird taramax flute that they whistle up their asshole? I mean, it's just not going to possibly happen, is it? It's just impossible. I'm so concerned at what jamie thinks is vanilla i will never touch vanilla flavored anything ever again i think you know to be fair to dad like he started to insert more dialogue he's added uh dialogue he sprinkled dialogue into the sex scenes a bit don't say sprinkle either I would say in these books a lot of verbs

are out of the question no but do you remember this this is one of my personal favourite bits of season four I love turkey I love my friends I love my job

I love Chardonnay what's that Iconic Job, I love Chardonnay. What's that? Iconic. Honestly, the amount of people that... Do people shout that at you in the street? People shout something. I can't quite work out the words. I mean, if ever a line is summed up Belinda, that's it.

If you joined the books at that point, that's all you need to know. She loves turkey. She loves Chardonnay. Her friends. Her friends. Joie de vivre. Joie de vivre. And also, you know, big moment for Sam, the youngish man.

Oh, yeah, he got that. Yes. Promotion. Yeah. An unbelievable and unheard of ascent through the ranks for him. He must be good at what he does. Yeah, so we had a lot of old characters back, like Sam, everyone at the wedding. Yeah, it was a who's who, wasn't it?

It was sort of like a where's Wally? Where's Willie? It was a where's Willie of Belinda Blinked. But we had some great new characters. Oh, yeah. Who are your faves? Who do you think? Mr. Spooner.

Oh, he's good. He is good when he does that one. I've missed that voice. Can you say anything in it? What would you like me to say? I don't know. Thank you, anything in it? What would you like me to say? So, no. Thank you, Alice. He had quite the entrance.

Do you remember his first experience with Belinda? Spooner slowly moved the cufflink downwards and with it, the laser beam travelled past Belinda's eyelashes, over her upturned nose, down her puffy lips and past her chin. Terrified, she began to smell smoke. What? What's on fire? The laser was burning her cocktail dress right down the middle. Oh, for God's sake! The precision of that laser cufflink. Oh. Didn't mark her skin in any way, but cut the dress perfectly.

What other uses would he have for that? When is that actually getting him out of a tough time? Yeah, all it's going to do is make people feel embarrassed because it's going to undress them. A classic embarrassment laser. I also liked how it went through her body. So it cut not only the dress in front of her, but then the dress behind her,

but it didn't touch her. And yet no damage to the actual form of the woman. See, MI5, you know. Q has been busy. Brilliant. Or Rocky hasn't, and has just not really thought it through. Not like Rocky to not get science.

You say that, but self-heating pans, Alice. Come on. Don't get me started on that again. I'm still not over the fact that you two are underwhelmed. I can't actually talk about it. It makes me too mad. I wasn't really paying much attention

when I was reading it. you're both morons in a page long live rocky flintstone yeah i don't think i quite understood the the major discovery oh backtracking are we but then do you think that's why hairbish wants it because he wants to use it for real not just for cooking you know carrots for real yeah he wants to create some sort of is he saying for ill or for real? For rel, once he hears it. For ill, like for bad means, you know. He's not saying for ill. Since when did you say for ill?

No, but do you think that's what this whole book's gearing up to? What, it's going to, like, weaponise the Trioxy Brillo range? Well, why else would he want them? It can't just be because of... To sell them! No, it can't just be that. Sorry, I'm not going to be part of some conspiracy podcast. I don't want to be.

This is not how I'm spending my evening. Thank you. But it wasn't just his cuff link that was a gadget. Do you remember that ridiculous ankle bracelet that he had? Do I? When he fucked Giselle in the reservoir, he had to escape into Cricklewood Pumping Station. Oh my God. You know what happened.

Spooner unlatched his leather ankle bracelet of charms and connected the top bit to the bottom bit and then to the middle bit. Just say it connected it all. After a few minutes of assembly... A few minutes? There was a perfectly formed pair of miniature binoculars. What a fucking waste of time.

The ankle transforms into binoculars. I was hoping you would say into a car or into a helicopter or something literally

brilliant to this day people are trying to work out how the anklet works but also why wouldn't

it be a means for escaping cripple wood pumping it was just a pair of binoculars like the most

useless gadget on the planet. And also the fact that it had a little wet wipe in there as well. Forgot about the wet wipe. I would be remiss if we didn't mention what else happened around this time. I think it was the first time your dad introduced anal play, is that? Does the smoke-arse combo not count as anal play?

Well, this was like full-on rimming. Oh, I do remember. It wasn't. It wasn't. And can I just say, for the record, let's play the tape back, lords let's hear just as his cock was resurrected she threw him over so that he was on his front and started to lick his hairy bottom yeah i mean case closed as far as i'm concerned. No, no, licked his hairy bottom. That's definitely cheek.

Since when? How many times do we have to go over this? Do you know what? And also... We don't. If you're on the cheek, you're going deeper. What? You're not just going to lick the...

Why would you lick the cheek? No, I agree, but I feel like if you're going to lick the cheek, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to go deeper. And why is the cheek hairy? Why the hairy thing is repulsive let's just move on some people have hairy bottoms that's what they do james i think you always remember your first time that your dad mentions rimming oh yeah so enjoy that jamie we will never forget it has he mentioned it since like has he mentioned rimming to you since? No, we don't really talk about it. About rimming?

About any of it, really, anymore. There was a bit... Speaking of pubic hair, do you remember when Valinda was shaving hers at her desk and all of the RSMs walked in the room? Such a pro. Shockingly, one of the most professional things that's ever happened at steels pots and pans wasn't she like holding court at the time she was like talking to it she was like how's

everyone's sales didn't someone lose a whole stack of couscous evaporators i mean how that how it's taken us that long to bring that up is a shocker and trevor fucking dither head was being absolute nightmare i imagine her sploshing the bit into a bowl of water as she does it do you know what i mean like a sort of like turkish barber style oh i thought it was a trigger i think it was because it was like there was a noise so yeah oh okay yeah i think of it more as this like sort of like full wet shave but gentlemen get in those old school sal No, because she was just trimming it because she wanted a full bush

because she was on her way to Paris. You're right, you're right. So she was more of a kind of coiffuring. Yeah, because she went to the Moulin Marant. She did, where she met with Mistress Sweetjuice. A wonderful combination of choreography and snacks. The audience applauded and just as they did so, the arm popped another balloon, revealing a hunk of thick thigh.

We're going to be here a while because there's a thousand of one of them. Little bite-sized pieces of ham. Ham! Cheese. What? And baguette rained down on the congregation. Hang on. James, it's your perfect night out.

Why? Do I not get to move on my own? It actually makes me hungry. Does it? Yeah, it really makes me want like a jambon sandwich. It's a really good way to keep your audience going

throughout a night, I think. Just keep feeding them. And air dropping it in as well. Don't let them go to the bar. Drop it from above. Would you just try and catch it in your mouth? What if it fell on the floor? Would you pick it up?

Three second rule. No. In the Moulin Marant. In the Moulin Marant. Imagine the fluids on the floor. Marant by name, Marant by nature. All the disinfectant in the world could not clean that place. No, honestly, that does make me feel a

bit peckish but her other food collaboration and that so much makes me feel like i wanna wash my tongue with bleach belinda sank to her knees and began eating the thin layer of room temperature cream Oh my God. off her bubbly body. Oh my God. Granted, repulsive, disgusting, never mention it again, but I do think Mistress Sweet Juice was a great creation. Someone did some great drawings of her.

Yeah. Yeah, they were cool. She really came to life on the page. Are they on our Instagram? They're on our Instagram. My dad wrote her if you want to see them. Lovely plug, Jamie. She's got to make a reappearance, don't you think?

I hope she doesn't, actually. I think she just lives in the Moulin Marin. I don't think she ventures out. Not allowed to leave. She can't leave France. She can't leave France? She can't leave France. She doesn't have the documentation.

And then once Belinda got back from Paris, things really started to ramp up towards the end. I can't believe you don't think it hasn't already ramped up. No, but do you not remember when she went into that old church and sat next to that old crone? Oh, the crone! The coughing crone turned to Belinda and said, What did the nightingale sing to the dustman?

Sorry, I've got the wrong pew. My bad. Belinda looked around herself before answering Mr Bojangles. Oh, shut up. My favourite thing was that Spooner then chased them with a gun.

He was a spy, James. What did you expect? Did you shoot Belinda? Rude. Don't accidentally shoot the crone. What a way to go Did you shoot Belinda? Rude. Don't accidentally shoot the crone. What a way to go. But she was the big suspect then, wasn't she? Yeah, but you don't just shoot the biggest suspect, do you? You need to question them. Oh, they're a suspect. Shoot them dead.

Do we remember who the crone turned out to be? Yes. Yeah, it was the person you'd least suspect it to be. It was Helga again. Well, she is also an agent, so you know, Dad is consistent with his characterisation. And obviously then, once Spooner, Helga and Belinda got together, they had sex. In the hotel. In the hotel.

And there was a little nugget of a line I found on a re-listen that I feel like we need to hear again. He reversed out of Belinda's tunnel of devotion. Stop it! And creamed himself into her belly button. Oh, Lord.

That appears to... There was so much going on that that didn't even touch the sides. I imagine it like, have you ever watched baking shows like Great British Bake Off, where they ice cakes with a piping bag? Now, they can create quite a lovely little swirl. They sometimes do it on the top of maybe like a cupcake. Right. And I'm imagining that, like a beautiful...

I also can't believe that we haven't discussed yet that kind of chant. Do you remember that chant that was created? Oh, you can call it the ultimate pop song. When Belinda goes to the factory and is reunited with Giselle and Bella, the Glee team. They all shrieked, formed a little circle and sang. G for gin, T for tonic. R6 titties are supersonic. Oh, God. We don't mind men.

We don't like fuss. We're the Glee team. Come and get us. My God, it's good. It's a hit, isn't it? Isn't it? They don't write them like that anymore, do they? No, it's got a real old...

An anthemic kind of number. Yeah, anthemic. Come on. It's like an old shanty, isn't it? Yes, it does have a sort of folkish quality to it. And it was the last time they would ever sing it. Sorry to bring the mood down. Oh, James.

God, that's a killer observation there, yeah. Well, the Glee team are no more because, spoiler alert, the special one was revealed. It's Helga, wasn't it? No. I knew you'd forgotten. My name is Giselle Mars Charkover de Klotz and I am the special one.

I'm still not over it. It is. I didn't really think it would be her. I did. Did you? Oh, yeah, you did. Spend that three pounds. Oh, have you?

What did you buy? Single gin and tonic from Wetherspoons. Thank you very much. And obviously Giselle went back to her maiden name. Oh, yeah. She rejected her married name. It was a sham. It was a sham.

She's back to DeMarco... Markovit de Klotz. De Klotz. We can all say it. We don't need to say it now to prove it. I'm gutted, though. I'm really sad. It's the end of the Glee team.

Yeah. Massive end of an era. But it's the start of a brand new era. It is. Because they've formed a secret... What is it called? Let's see if Alice remembers. It's the collective...

Nope. It's the committee. Nope. It's the... She knows it because we're saying... It's the cordial... No, sorry, they were all jokes. It's the chairman...

Nope. No. Collective... Collective... No, it's not. Order. Oh, what is it? Shall we find out?

One, all and everyone. I've covered all bases. Welcome to the first official meeting of the Confidential Order of Cookware Knights. Confidential. Confidential. You Cookware Nights. Confidential. Confidential. You see, that was my next guess. Cock for short.

Yeah. We're in the era of cock. We're in the reign of cock. We are. We are. Are you a cock? I'm a cock. I'm a total cock.

I'm a full cock. I'm not ashamed of it. But then, you know, we were left with a classic Rocky Flintstone clit hanger. A bomb went off in the car park as they were leaving, just as the Duchess boarded Toffee Apple Chew. A bomb went off in an erotic novel. Like, let's not forget how this started. We might be looking at bits of pony being blown to smithereens. So do we honestly think that people are dead?

Someone's going to be dead. Yeah. Don't say toffee apple chew. I hate to break it to you, James. Toffee apple chew is toffee apple sauce. Toffee apple glue. Don't say it. Yeah, pieces.

Like, slam it against the walls. No way. No way. The thing is, though, is he going to kill a character that we don't really care about, like toffee apple chew, because... Not a character that we don't really care about, like Toffee Appletoo, because... Not a character, a horse.

A character! We're really clutching at straws now. Character! Oh my God! You know what I mean? Someone that we don't... Someone! Oh my God. A horse that we don't care about particularly. We don't care? Take those words out of your mouth.

Don't care about it? I fucking love that horse. Or is he going to kill someone that's quite a big player? I think big player. And the horse. I think there's going to be more than one fatality. Oh, no. Not Toffee Apple Chew.

Is that really all you're focusing on? It could be Belinda. It could be Bella. Also, who set the bomb? Yes. There was a shadowy figure running off at the end. Oh yeah. And it can't be Toffee Apple Chew.

No, they were definitely two-legged. Yeah. Oh my God. It's so actually quite exciting. So wait, wait, wait, wait. When can people actually come back to find out? Yeah, okay. So we will be opening book five of Belinda Blinked

on Monday the 9th of September. Woo-hoo! Porno Day is back! Yay! I mean, I don't know why I'm excited. It's my dad's porn. Because there's story. Because there's plot.

Yes, yes, yes. You're right. And I want to know who died. There's a lot to find out. But in the meantime, go to mydadwriterporno.com to find all the information about our brand new live tour. Yeah, we'd love to see you there, whether it's Australia or America or Europe, wherever. Come and hang out.

It's going to be really, really fun. We've got a lot of fun stuff planned. Do you know what I really fancy now? What? Toffee apple. Don't. It's too soon. It is way too soon.