My Dad Wrote A Porno - Best of Book Three

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Jamie, James & Alice look back on some of their favourite moments from book three in Rocky's 'Belinda Blinked' saga. AND they finally reveal when they'll be opening the fourth book to finally (hopefully) discover who The Special One is.Tickets now on sale for the UK & Europe live tour via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello welcome to my dad wrote a porno now we're not quite back yet but um i do have miss alice levine with me wow what a reaction and uh james cooper so how's everyone been it's been a while hasn't it welcome back everyone oh yeah sorry um so thanks for hosting james how have you been guys wow it's been an exciting year so far hasn't it well we almost didn't want to come back did we been on the road in america i mean in fact jamie only did just come back you've been gone for about 100 years i've gone for about 100 years. I've been gone for two months, guys. He won't shut up about the fact he went to New Orleans.

I've been to New Orleans, guys. I love New Orleans. We know. We loved everywhere we went. Seattle was incredible. LA we love. New York. Everywhere we went.

And the exciting thing is, is that we're now taking the show all around the UK. We've kind of done it the opposite way round. We're bringing it home to roost now. Yes, we start very soon in Bristol and then we're all over the shop. We've kind of done it the opposite way round. We're bringing it home to roost now. Yes, we start very soon in Bristol and then we're all over the shop, aren't we? We're in Cardiff, Stoke, Reading, Edinburgh, Manchester. Help me out, guys. Glasgow.

Portsmouth. Two nights in London. Sheffield. Yeah, the Royal Albert Hall. Oh my God, I still can't believe we're doing it. Nottingham. Our hometown. Have you invited anyone?

My mum's definitely coming. I think she's already in there, actually. Okay, I still can't believe we're doing it. Nottingham. Our hometown. Have you invited anyone? My mum's definitely coming. I think she's already in there, actually. Okay, just setting up shop. Keeping her seat warm. And if you haven't seen the live show before, you really, really should come down. We read an exclusive chapter that you will never, ever hear on the podcast, don't we? Oh, yeah.

Don't sit in your feed waiting for it to be there, because the day will never come. You will grow old. Belinda basically takes the regional sales managers on a team building away day oh god enough said they don't need a bonding experience and they don't get one it is some of rocky flintstone's worst work and yet some of the best but jamie's always saying you know with every word every page that he reads of rocky's work, he dies a little bit inside. So we won't be doing this forever. Oh, I think people think we're going to tour forever.

This is a limited run of shows. Get it while it's hot. Yeah, we are not the Rolling Stones. No one has ever called us that. But if you've ever sat, say, on your commute listening to the podcast and you've glimpsed someone across the aisle and thought, I feel like they're listening to it too well this is the chance for all of the belinkers all of the pervs to get together in one

room and it is the most insane atmosphere when you've got the smuttiest dirtiest crew in one building um so yeah that's what we're going to do it's going to be one big porno party so to get tickets and get a full list of where we're going to be just go to mydadwroteporno.com. But we are starting the series right now are we? It isn't quite yet no. We're just going to relive book three. Many many memorable moments. I have to say I think it might be my favourite book. We've struggled to whittle it down. So many quotes that just kill me. Well Rocky's work it is quotable. It is made for fridge magnets. Absolutely. And postcards. I say they're the perfect format.

I'd say a book is too long. Whereas a tweet, you know, a little maybe sticker, maybe a bumper sticker is ideal. Maybe for series four of the podcast, we just do this episode, the best of book four, without recording any of the actual chapters. Don't put everybody else through it. Yeah, we just choose what we want to highlight

and then just record it. Cream of the crop. I think a lot of people would thank us for that. One of the things it feels like has stuck in people's heads, even to this day, came right in chapter one. Way back when. Way back when. Are you trying to take it to the bridge, James?

Who can forget her famous performance at the Millennium Dome building? Oh. Was that even this book? Yeah. Chapter one. Stop it. Alice, sometimes I wonder if you're even here for a call. You've literally forgotten it all.

They all roll into one for me. It's just one traumatic experience. Mate, tell me about it. And we met your man, the smallish man. Oh, the smallish man dressed in black. Not healthy. Morning, miss. I need to microphone you up for the show.

The small man dressed in black said said in an even tinier voice. An even tinier voice than what? Than being small himself. Oh, God. That's so conceptually confusing. Funny, Belinda thought, that a man so quiet was in charge of all the sound in the whole of the Millennium Tome building. Ironic, isn't it? The smallish man dressed in black has become the stuff of legend.

I know. Rocky has a kind of concern and an interest in the way, the behind the scenes, if you like. He can't just show you her moment at the O2. The underbelly. Yeah, he likes the BTS, doesn't he? Oh, he does. And also the BS.

And also the BDSM. All the Bs. B3. Oh, my God. Yeah, because you remember the detail with the hooking up of the microphone? Yes. It went under the tits and round the back and up through the gooch. Where it shouldn't go.

Yeah, absolutely. It was thorough. And it worked because she strode out onto that stage. The confidence. In front of 20,000 lady voices. Faying women. And she delivered the biggest prize giving in literature. Everyone here today will go home with a non-sticked in hat.

You in a car, you in a car, you in a car. Did Oprah Winfrey ever wear that outfit? Is she entirely emulating Oprah? Oh my God. And also, what a disappointing thing to win. What? A non-stick tin wok? Is that what she said?

What's non-stick tin? Yeah, it says, in fact, everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin wok. I have an apology to make. That's a fantastic prize. I take it back. Still can't get over that. Some people bring them to the live shows. Some people think they're getting one under the seat.

Well, honestly. I think that that's probably had a genuine impact on wok sales. Do you think? I think it's put them back on the map. Or they've plummeted because everyone expects one for free now quite can we just discuss non-stick tin i was gonna say is that a thing i don't believe it's a check we did do they make saucepans out of tin anymore i feel like tin's not the most hygienic they don't even make tins out of tin anymore they don't make cans out of tin i'm just so glad that she finally got to play the o2 millennium dome building how many

times my apologies the millennium dome um i'm just reading glad that she finally got to play the O2. Millennium Dome building. How many times? My apologies. The Millennium Dome building. I'm just reading several articles about conductivity with metals and which are good. You're a fun night out. Sorry. Were you guys still talking? No, no. I think it's quite telling that tin isn't mentioned in any of them.

What do they use tin for now? Is it just a poisonous metal you're not supposed to go and use? I think they phased it out. Well and truly. But then probably when he was a boy, when Rocky was a boy. So much tin. Very popular time for tin. Tin down the farm.

Tin baths. He had a little tin bath, didn't you, in front of the fire? Tin type photographs. You name it. Tin hats. You know, the lot. Oh, yes. To wear in your little bunker because of the Cold War.

Absolutely. Guys, I don't want to show off, but I've got google home shall i ask her oh she's not just got it you're in a relationship with it okay google what is a non-stick tin wok my apologies i don't understand you shouldn't be sorry it's not your fault it's fine said every listener oh it was a great moment, though. And what a way to kick off the third book. Absolutely. And what a way to...

I mean, she dived into the Millennium Dome through a hole in the roof or something, didn't she? Brilliant. Via the DLR. And she left with the mic on. Oh, brilliant times. I mean, many would say we peaked too soon, but not me. Well, if that was the peak, I definitely know what was the trough.

Within seconds, he had Belinda's legs wide apart. Oh. And he placed his nervous cock Oh, God! into her pinky. Oh!

Into the pinky! Genuinely, the less said about that, the better. Pinky? Is that legit? No! And also, what was the pinky? You know what better pinky is that legit no and also what was the pinky you know what from your back oh you know where chocolate's made was it that i think it was no that's where chocolate's made yeah but what are you saying you still don't know that song

wait what wait there's three holes yeah yeah which one it was definitely vag it wasn't yes of course yeah sorry i thought we were on the same page with that oh right okay no we are um do you know what was weird about that one it just came out of nowhere oh quite i mean they were on this hen do they'd met butch the sunberg kids oh the virgin the virgin yeah imagine that do you know what for for so long i've said i'd never be the gay that went on a hen do but that's made me change my mind if I'd never be the gay that went on a hen do, but that's made me change my mind. If they're like that, I'll always go on a hen do.

Well, honestly, if... What, shagging virgins on a weird yacht? Keen! Weren't they, like, going down the street, going, like, we're the Glee team. Come and get us. That's all you want. You'd have to go on a hen do to do that.

Yeah, you can do that in town. We can do it out there now if you want get in the yard go on but my favourite bit was how they got there oh my god yes they could have done

a lame pink stretch limo no no not for the greed team time for your trial flight girls trial flight follow me five minutes later she pulled up

beside a 1950s de Havilland transport plane what why is everything from the olden days a 1950s de Havilland transport plane. What? Why is everything from the olden days? And what's de Havilland? Still sporting ex-military insignia. Oh my. Is it an antique?

It's the only one she could get her hands on, clearly. Has she dragged this out of a museum? It's a World War II plane. Hazel had managed to squeeze the glee team into the remaining free space of the cargo hold. Cargo hold! They don't deserve anything more. Happy hen do. Oh God, what luxury.

The transport plane was already full to the brim with the weekend editions of The Guardian. Where did he pull that from even for rocky flintstone that was weird that's my continuous laugh from when that happened so now that still brings me so much joy just the weekend just the weekend supplements had you just watched like the world war ii in? Was he drunk? Like, well, the latter is always true. My favourite bit is that Hazel should be struck off. They fire pilots for so much less and she's borrowing some like ancient bomber. Not borrowing, stealing. Stealing and taking it to the Costa del Sol.

Just imagine her refuelling it herself at midnight. An SO garage. I thought that was like her weekend job and she was like oh since i'm going that way do you want to hop in oh i see she was like delivering the guardian she's got a paper it's just a very extravagant paper boy paper person please paper girl sorry yeah i figured it was just like her job i see not that that makes loads more sense because i don't actually believe they're delivering those via that fashion but we probably shouldn't get bogged down in the details should we we're not gonna get anywhere there was one moment that i thought that dad actually potentially

was about to pull something out of the bag in this book oh yeah and that was when uh belinda was leaving the duchess's epson pile and this happened she skidded off the road. Fucking hell! Smashing into an ancient oak tree, coming to a stop in a deep ditch. She lay there, motionless and unblinking, in the smoking car. We were worried she died, hadn't we? We should have let her at that point. Leave her.

It's for the best. Let her die in her sleep quietly. Cover her over. I can't think of anyone else's car crash that would make me laugh. I know, it's pretty dark, isn't it? We really thought that that was the end. You told us there were more pages, but we were like, they could just be notepad pages, knowing Rocky.

Just for where to write your eulogy for Belinda. it just turned into bella belched or something without warning don't joke you know he's writing that so this was a bit of a cliffhanger moment but midway through the book this wasn't even like it was the end yeah it wasn't like the third chapter it wasn't even halfway we did think he'd got bored so decided to kill her off if he's got to do a big sharp or your mum asked him to put the washing on we know sometimes he's like she died. Okay well now. It's done.

It's finished. Or maybe he told mum that he had killed her off and then secretly carried on writing. Came back to it. Yeah. Mum doesn't listen to the show

so it's fine. She'll never know. We can say what we want. But it wasn't a deadly car crash because Well it was like a punctured tyre in the end

wasn't it? It wasn't even a crash. We don't even know what the problem was, do we? She slid on some gravel. She literally tapped the front on a wall. The airbag activated. Stop me if I'm saying anything wrong, Jim. Yeah, I think it did, yeah.

She punctured a tyre. Were you the officer at the incident at the time? No, but there was one person who was there, just passing. And that was the one, the only, Marco Origes. A 1960s Mustang. Of course. Stopped next to her helpless body and out jumped Marco Origes. Marco Origes was Brazilian. Oh, Brazilian. And he knew it. O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly

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O'Reilly O'Reilly O'Reilly Oh, God. Always good to know your nationality, where you come from. He bloody knew it. But you also have that weird Boston Brazilian accent. And also, can I just say now... Well, I think we can blame you for that. No, that was in the text. My accent was poor. I was going to say, can I just apologise to all Brazilians and South Americans in general

that they don't have a lisp? Well, no, but you weren't representing them all. Just Marco Arriga. No, Marco Arriga. Yes, he grew up in Spain. Also, that is, to be fair, chorizo. Come on. Yeah, but apparently that's a Spanish thing. Also, that is, to be fair, Chorizo. Come on. Yeah, but apparently that's a Spanish thing.

And South Americans have a hard S. I got a lot of tweets about it. Oh, I didn't realise that this was it. Wait, this isn't your, like, soapbox moment. This is your right to reply. I just want to apologise to everyone out there if I offended them. But I just thought it was more fun to have a lisp. Marco, sorry, just repressed memories are just flashing back now i'm starting to piece things together again um marco riguez was jim sterling's surgeon

in the amazon yes oh of course he did the penis extension did you do other work he'd done bella didn't he that was revealed he'd had sex with bella or he knew that's what i meant he'd done bella yeah i'm not like not done her in or done her breasts just done her oh got you yeah so he's he's a kind of like sexy brazilian surgeon and doesn't he when he parks up next to her doesn't he like throw gravel all over her body she's writhing on the street isn't she no that's where belinda leaves the duchess like the savvy has speaking speaking of the d, though, how have we not mentioned her Epsom hall and all those rooms leading to one very particular room?

Oh, yes. Elegant mirrored shelving held all the Duchess's sex toys. Belinda counted at least ten different dildos with their zinc cases beside them. Wonderful. All ready to go. Erotic lingerie of different colours hung around mixed with shiny rubber clothing,

masks and hats. She is soaking hats! Now I just think that it's like rubberised, like galoshes, like a rain hat and a rain mat. I've seen a lot of shops that have that sort of stuff in London. Have you? What? Yeah. What do you mean? Soho, there's loads of shops like that with leather goods in the

window. Oh yeah, like sex shops, yeah. To this day I haven't seen a sex hat. No, what would that be? Oh, like one with the ball in the front, in the mask. Oh, like a gimp mask. Oh, is that what that is, yeah. I mean, is that a hat? No, because he said masks. Oh, they were separate categories. Masks and I mean, is that a hat? No, because he said masks. Oh, they were separate categories. Masks and hats.

So hats are still... Fucking hats for people wearing. Like a bowler hat. Trilby. Sexy trilby. Baseball cap. A crown. A hairnet.

A hairnet. A shower cap. Hair rubber. Yeah, that would be useful, actually. And sometimes you don't want to get stuff in your hair, because you might have to rush somewhere. Ugh. Well, you might. No, I do. i just mean that would be a practical use also how sexy here we are in a skull cap i'm just wearing one of those swimming hats that ladies wear

kind of flesh just makes you look like that girl in friends that cut off all her hair bonnie bonnie exactly also 10 dildos. That's more than one for every day of the week. Oh, absolutely. Did it say they were ready to go? Yeah. So what does that mean? Fully charged.

Ready to go, yeah. With a zinc line case. So none of them are, because I always get this confused, none of them are vibrators, are they? They're just all like old school, like carved or leather.

Carved? No, they were carved with the Schweinsteigers. Yeah. They're not whittled from wood, are they? Yeah, they were carved with the Schweinsteigers. They're not whittled from wood, are they? Yeah, Papua New Guinea. Oh, I forgot about those.

The Schweinsteigers. We need to talk about the Schweinsteigers. Hansel and Gretel. Oh, loved them. Oh, my God. So they were, remind me what their jobs were. So they were rag and bone men. No, they were kings of the rag and bone men, weren't they?

Yes, they were. And they had a very, very interesting name for their organisation, if you remember. Hands proffered a hand. Wonderful. Beautiful stuff. Hello, I've heard so much about you. Welcome to bargain basement land. Bargain Basement Land. Bargain Basement Land.

Not what it's called. What is it? A theme park of bargains? Belinda smiled and shook Hans' hand. And stop saying Hans' hand. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, so much there. So much.

First of all... Bargain Basement Land. Yes. You know I would like that theme park. I don't write rides, but I would go there. It's not a theme park. I would go. What do you think they'd have?

So it would be loads of different little charity shops, but interspersed would be little bargain shops. It would just be loads of bargainersers things no attractions no so rides there's no rides they are the attractions so it's just a shopping center then you bet a bargain one it's broad marsh in nottingham other shopping centers are available um yeah it would just be a series of bargains okay um and you could just shake hands hand we could be a series of bargains. Okay. And you could just shake Han's hand. There could be a character there, maybe. Yeah, instead of like a big Goofy or a big Pluto,

there's just a bodiless hand that you can shake. Han's hand, that's just a stroke of Rocky, isn't it, right there? But that's what I love. He obviously didn't even notice that that was a pig. Well, when you're writing it, you don't say it out loud. Come on. No, it's true. It's not a play.

Do you think he ever said Schweinsteiger out loud Rocky didn't intend these books to be read how many times do we have to remember that you're so right you're so right I also loved your accent there it's probably one of the most awkward of all the accents you've done hello was that what are you doing there hello which one is that? That's Hans Schweinsteiger. So it's a German-Austrian? I mean, it is what it is. It's his own thing. It's your own thing.

It's my own thing, indeed. Why were they in it? Remind me. Were they twins? What did they do? I don't remember. They were conjoined twins, I think. What was the whole point of that episode?

No, no point, James. Absolutely no point. There was, there was. Oh, the Rag and Bowmen were taking over. It was actually quite a good business thing. No, it wasn't a good business thing. No, it was. Shut up.

I'm getting to this again because I left the last time. It was never a good business thing. Because Des Martin was all about how they use the excess stock that Steel's can't get rid of in their main deals and then sell it at a discount. They buy from the rich to give to the poor. Just fuck off. It was stupid at the time. It's stupid now. No, but you know what the most important thing about that was?

Oh God. Stop pointing at us. It was the first time that we heard about Bish. Who became very important. Yes. Kind of changed the whole of Belinda Blinked. I hate his stupid voice. Are we about to hear his stupid voice?

He's on his deathbed. Yeah, he is dying. It's awful. Didn't he come dust? He did. He became dust. Ashes to ashes is what I say. Good morning, my special one.

What? It's the special one's visiting. Special one's visiting. Keep up. Yeah, but the special one's not Belinda, surely, because what he said before about waiting for years. No, it's not Belinda. It's his spy, surely.

Oh, okay. Unless Belinda's his spy. Oh, my God, Belinda is his spy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Belinda is his spy. Belinda's a double agent. Shut up.

No. God, we're very shr shrimp, aren't we? We were very excited that day. That was one of the worst pieces of editing of my life. I just couldn't get the peaking out of it. So instead you just put some bird noise on there. It has been such a talking point while we've been away. Do people just stop you in the street and be like,

hey, it's a special one? Yeah, actually. People have a lot of theories as well. And I think one of the things that gets them is, could this one plot point change how we feel about Rocky Flintstone forever? Or could this one plot point literally be a dead end? Well, then it can join all the others, can't it, my darling? Is it just the car crash?

Is it the shop window in Amsterdam? Is it the chocolate river? Oh, Madame Chocolat, of course. I hope not. I hope Belinda doesn't just wake up and it was a bad dream. Well, I just hope she doesn't wake up. Damn and dusted. I mean, I feel like, because it was the

end of the book, I feel like it's got more legs than just a classic Rocky. Why do you still believe? I don't know. Why do you still have the faith? There can be miracles when you do. I feel like one of us has to believe, okay, and it's going to be me. It's very rarely you.

I'm invested now. Okay, Google, who is the special one? According to Wikipedia, Jose Mario dos Santos Mourinho Felix, G-I-H, known as Jose Mourinho, is a Portuguese football manager and former football player. God, we shouldn't have asked. We did float this idea. Yeah, he is known as the special one, Mourinho.

But it's not him. You don't know that. You don't know that. If it's Jose Mourinho. Oh my God, could you imagine? In like a leather bound suit or whatever she was wearing. That would be a curveball

to be fair. And the answer was there all the time. Why didn't we think of Jose guys? All James had to do was ask his girlfriend Google. You do love her.

She's not my girlfriend. You take her to bed with you. She's the ideal beard actually. You can talk to her and you don't have to have sex with her. Oh God. Don't have to have sex with her Oh god Don't have to have sex with her Like it's an option

Also James James you've got more than enough hags in your life I think you don't need any more beards Hey Google When is the next series of My Dad Wrote a Porno Sorry I don't understand No It's because we haven't told you

But we're about to tell you because we are opening book four of Belinda Blinked otherwise known as Belinda Blinked 4 on the 27th of August is that a Monday?

it's a Monday it's a porno Monday of course it is I don't think I'm free well you don't have to be it's fine we pretty much do it without you then you're not going to know

who the special one is if you were going to miss any if you were going to pull a sick day on any it wouldn't be that one no you're right going to know who the special one is, all right? If you were going to miss any, if you were going to put a sick day on any, it wouldn't be that one. No, you're right. I'm absolutely here for it. I'm very, very excited.

Have you seen the thickness of the book? Is it mercifully short? James, it doesn't exist in hardback. It would be on his computer somewhere, that Spanish one that he bought at the cost, shouldn't it? It's four kilobytes. That's all we know. Yeah, I haven't seen it.

I haven't been given it yet. It is ready, raring to go. Ready. Well, That's all we know. Yeah. I haven't seen it. I haven't been given it yet. It is ready. Raring to go. Well, it's been ready for a while. It's as ready as some fish left out in the sun. Some blue cheese fish mousse. Some blue cheese fish mousse. We didn't even get that in.

I know. Honourable mention there. And also to the amazing weird sex show where all the clothes were taken away to the charity shops in Belgium. Oh, that was a highlight when they're on the chairs yes avance

avance oh so many good memories well join us for our next porno day Monday the 27th of August dare I say pop it in the old file of facts

put a little reminder in doesn't cost you to put a little reminder in your phone does it I think we should end with a song a song a song not sung by me don't worry i'm definitely not by you thank you um do you remember when we um the whole thing at ken's cellar where he had like hidden cameras i remember it all too

well okay and linda was like oh please fuck me ken oh yes and we asked people to write songs based on it yeah yeah and yeah and we played one on footnotes I think but loads of people wrote songs and then there's another one we really liked but didn't ever get a chance

to showcase yeah what a lovely moment to memorialise it's almost like the theme song of Blinder Blink 3 yeah it's like

the unofficial soundtrack the anthem of our youth well we will see you on the 27th of August and in the meantime it's our very own Aussie glee team self-build of apana gabby lexi katie jodie and rach with fuck me can Oh, oh, oh, Ken. Oh, oh, oh, Ken. He really knows how to decorate a salad. Is it just me or does it smell damp? What's with the toilet in the corner?

the corner. He leaves me to get clean in his moldy, moldy shower. I hear a beep, I take a look up, and I'm staring at a camera. And I'm thinking, fuck me, can't just fuck me, I need it so, so badly And I've been a good girl all day That twat of a TGW union man Just wouldn't release me yesterday He comes back in the room, I'm dripping wet from my shower Sorry Belinda, I don't have a towel, can I dry you with this paper? And I wrap my legs around the legs of a table as I moan. Oh, and just when I think it can't get better Now he's sucking on my toe And I'm thinking Fuck me, can't just fuck me I need it so, so badly

And I've been a good girl all day That's right, I'm a DJW union man Just wouldn't release me yesterday My orgasm is still building And building and building and building and building Still building, it's building Fuck me, Ken, just fuck me I need it so, so badly Do it now

Fuck me, Ken, just fuck me I need it so, so badly And I've been a good girl all day That twat of a TGW union man Just wouldn't release me yesterday My orgasm is still building And building and building And building and building

It's building, it's building It's building and building And building and building And building, and building, it's building, it's building, it's building, and building, and building, and building, and building, and building, and building.