My Dad Wrote A Porno - Best of Book Two

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

Ahead of series three (starting on Monday 29th May), Jamie, James and Alice are back to talk about some of the best - or worst - moments of the second book in the 'Belinda Blinked' saga. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. We're not quite back yet, but I have got James. Hi! And I have got Alice. Hello! And before we come back to open book three, we're going to relive some of the more challenging parts of book two.

Some people call them the best bits yeah but i think they're very much the worst bits it's the dross isn't it that we have to remember just so that we can get on with our lives and book three yeah kind of contextualize where we are so that we're all ready for book three on the 29th of may that's right the 29th of may we will be opening belinda blink three i've completely forgotten what happened in book two that's natural because you know when you go through traumatic things like childbirth, the body tries to expunge those memories. So what's happened is we've just entirely lobotomised that part of our brain.

I remember something about a window, something about a plane. There was something about floor plans to lots of buildings, a see-through dress. Lots of doors, if I remember, and corridors. Yeah, lots of chairs and doors. Some tech scenes. Oh, there was accents galore, lest we forget. You have got a lot to live up to in book three, Jamie, with your accents. You've set quite the precedent.

I know. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Some of them were a success, I feel. You know, not to brag. Some of them absolutely tanked. It's so weird how we can't name the successes. Rude. I don't know.

I quite liked your Countess Zara. Oh, thanks very much. That was a good episode, wasn't it, with Countess Zara? She was a classic character, and you're right. He really did create a classic woman with the vocals. Fuck me, Grigor. Belinda, come down on me and give me my feast. Oh!

She is filth. She's insatiable. Her feast. Absolutely gross. It was a gross chapter and there was that big twist where loads of people were watching in a window.

I think that was the first time that we felt that Rocky had actually written something resembling a story. He did a reveal which we couldn't believe. So how did Zara fit into it all? She and Grigor were in cahoots. Okay so Belinda went to Amsterdam to meet Peter Rouse. Yes. And then that night Rouse met Grigor. Sure greasy-lipped Grigor. And then Grigor took Peter and Belinda to meet the Countess.

No, because Peter decided to seduce Lara, Gregor's assistant, which meant that Belinda was then free to go off gallivanting with Gregor, where he took her to that underground lair where his auntie was sick. Do you remember that? Why do I feel like I wasn't present for any of this? And Chantel was singing A Walk in the Black Forest. Oh, I couldn't forget that. And then Countess Zara kind of beckoned them to her quarters,

stripped them naked, and had a threesome. Why any of this happened, I'm still not fully sure. Was a deal done out of it? And whether we'll ever revisit any of these characters ever again? Well, Belinda was very excited about the prospect of securing business contacts in the continent of Russia. Oh, yes, of course. She was hoping for a collaboration between Beluga Caviar and Potsdam Pan.

And the continent of Russia, as Rocky called it. Of course. Which also, given recent events, business deals in Russia, she needs to be a little bit careful about who she's going to go into business with. Rocky, Rocky territory in all the meanings of the word. If she ever wants to run for Congress, she needs to watch it. I also forgot we got Herb Alpert in the charts. Yeah, that was a good moment.

And we didn't know who he was. And it turns out he's this massive multi-millionaire. Yeah, that was a huge oversight by us because we discovered immediately that Herb Alpert is actually one of the biggest people in the music industry. Just to roll off a few of his accomplishments, he's had five number one albums. He's won nine Grammy Awards. He's got 14 platinum albums, 15 gold albums,

and he's sold 72 million records worldwide. So us thinking that we were giving a little leg up to a new artist on the block, or maybe a forgotten artist that history had never been that kind to, really left us with pie on our face. I don't know. It's only nine Grammys, isn't it? I mean, we've all got nine Grammys. Yeah, and it was like years ago, wasn't it?

Like, we got him to what? Number 45 in the Belgian chart. So, come on. I'm sure he's very grateful. Yeah, we're actually yet to receive a thank you card, Rude. Do you think he knows? Do you think he ever heard about us? No, I don't.

Yeah, because we actually thought he was going to get a little royalty check and be over the moon, didn't we? Yeah, suddenly. I think the same week we did that, he donated £10 million to charity. Coincidence? I think not. It's been quite a musical series, actually. You two kind of started taking Rocky's work and putting it to, I wouldn't say a musical beat, but some sort of interpretation. Yeah.

We've definitely been inspired by a lot of his words. I mean, we generally provide the musical accompaniment, but he's very much the lyricist. He's the Tim Rice to our Andrew Lloyd Webber. We can't be the first people to have realised that. Steak, ass and tits. You can't beat it. Are they all different cuts of meat? Steak, ass and tits you can't beat it are they all different cuts of meat

steak ass and tits steak steak ass and tits what are you singing I literally don't know also we can't sing a song every chapter

and yet we did still don't quite know what the tune of that one was steak ass and tits steak ass and tits oh Steak ass and tits. Oh, we got it. Finally. And what about

He's got a monster prick. He's got a monster prick. Where is that monster prick? Have you got a monster dick? That's too long. I do think that Lin-Manuel Miranda is shitting himself.

And not for good reason. I'm smelling a Tony. Yeah, we people will be surprised to hear, don't actually know that those songs are going to come out in the episode. So they're completely off the top of our heads. Yeah, and they're for free. I mean, people don't have to pay for those.

Freestyling. It really is wonderful what you can come up with just on the spot. I feel like we should sack this off and... Lay down some vocals in a professional studio. Totally. You read my mind. You really did. Guys, I'm not sure the world's ready for that quite yet. But obviously, Stakehouse and Tits, the now legendary line, came in Texas, which is where

something quite shocking happened. We had our first clit hanger ever. It was pretty extraordinary. This has been probably one of the biggest talking points of book two. Yeah, I think so. And it was the turning point for Rocky, of course, because it was his first foray into sci-fi. Jim's cock was rubbing her clit

just right. No, it wasn't. And Belinda gave in to nature. Gave in? Did she? Call of nature? She was. Not once, but twice.

Oh, I see. Before the inevitable blue ejaculation cut across her dreams. Cut across... Oh, for God's sake. I stand by that, for God's sake. Absolutely batshit.

Also, why is blue cum inevitable? Why is it an inevitability that he's gonna become blue so this is when jim got his cock transplant yeah there was speculation about what could possibly have made belinda cry turned out he'd had a massive cock transplant and now was coming blue but it was botched wasn't it because it kept flaking off and bits kept dropping away and she didn't know if it was going to come off inside her. Which is a scary kind of, a scary mental image. But also, like, how, what would be left? I mean, like, to know what he would be dealing with then is also concerning.

Like a really good quality sausage roll from a pub. You know, really flaky pastry. Or the pastry just slips right off, leaving the filling behind. But it's ruined things for people. Like, loads of people have sent us pictures of them using, like, blue hand okay now it's all they can think about well it's interesting you know where that inspiration came from no from rocky my dad isn't a huge fan of brands as we knew from special j sure um he doesn't want to give anyone a shout out that he's not getting paid for not even things that he uses in his own life sure so he doesn't have any kind of branded shampoo or conditioner.

So he uses Asda's own. Right. And the conditioner is a very pale blue colour. And apparently one day he was washing his hair, got inspired and then started to write that scene. So James Blue Seaman is inspired by Asda's own conditioner. They're going to be over the moon at that. It's the product placement they've been waiting for. They can't believe their luck so as it he washed his hair it trickled down his body

and he saw i'm asking a question don't say body sorry rocky doesn't have a body he's just a floating head in a jar he's just a brilliant brain he's like the brain in the teenage mutant ninja turtles he's a brain in a belt. That was also the chapter that we had probably the most disturbing metaphor we've ever had. He slowly entered Belinda's pussy. He felt like a

man revisiting the house where he had grown up as a child. Everything was the same but different. Oh no, it's so haunting. I can really empathise with that, though. Of course you can. What are you talking about?

Everything's the same, but different. You haven't been home since these books were written. I forgot about that one. Yeah, that's a zinger. So what does that mean? So her... Private pussy area. Thank you, private pussy area.

Had the familiarity of a childhood home, but that somebody else moved into and redecorated, essentially. I guess so, because he did have sex with her once before, so he's kind of familiar territory. He's been there before. But he's bigger now. He's a bigger boy. It's the same but different.

It's repulsive. It's a repulsive comparison. I think it's worth moving on from, to be honest. Do you think Belinda's vagina's haunted like an old house? I don't think it's abandoned long enough. It's got a new visitor every day. No, exactly. It's never empty.

It's a vole sanctuary. God, she got around a bit, didn't she, in book two? Yeah. Texas wasn't the only place she went. She, of course, went to Amsterdam. Racking up the air miles, Belinda. Yes, a lot of time up in the air, particularly with Hazel. Yeah, she did. Her newfound bosom pal, the pilot.

The co-pilot. The co-pilot, I'm so sorry, with the aerofoil flaps, of course. Who does long-haul and short-haul flights. She does both, and she knows her way around a Boeing 747. A small spiral staircase led up to a cramped area above the first-class passenger section. Their only identification was B1 to B5. Does B3 mean bonking capacity for three people? Exactly, replied Hazel.

Do you think us aircrew are stupid? Yes. Thick as shit. No one thinks it stands for bonking three. It doesn't, but the thing is again we came unstuck here because they do exist

oh yeah we've had so many emails about this loads of people attaching pictures and diagrams of the quarters that are on

long haul flights there was an article the amount of times we've been sent that freaking article I've read it cover to cover we know

sorry and lots of people saying that it's a spiral staircase oh it's so annoying when he's right. And that's the thing. He's right quite a lot of the time. Like, we don't give him enough credit.

He's researched these books. He's not just picking it up off the top of his head. James, don't bandy around things like that. He hasn't researched these books. Sorry. I've just remembered about Hazel's watch. What? She had a massive fluorescent green watch, I think.

Yeah. Oh, yeah? Why? To check the time for the flight. Of course. She's like, oh, God, I think it was. Oh, yeah, why? To check the time for the flight. She was like, oh, God, I've got to get back to the cockpit. We're landing in five. She was never in that cockpit. She was always either sat where everybody else was sat, in normal chairs or up in the Bs.

I hope she comes back for book three. Hazel? Yeah. Well, if Belinda gets on a plane in book three, she'll probably be flying it because it seems like she's the only pilot in the aviation industry. Co-pilot, please. Sorry, co-pilot.

But you never know who's going to make a reappearance. So we don't have to say goodbye yet. She could very easily appear in book three. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts

at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. And of course, no Belinda Blinkbutt would be complete without her glee team, Giselle and Bella. Yeah. Giselle went through the mill, didn't she? Oh, did she not, James? I've always found it hard to tie down the Irish. They tend to squirm so much. Just like a worm, replied Giselle. And speaking of which,

interrupted Belinda, how did you lose your hair? Are they still not growing back even when they're at the ribs? She's bald. No, she's not still plump. Well, Belinda, I have to admit, I got fucked so hard, some of my hair fell out. fucked so hard. A hair fallout?

Some of my hair fell out. Oh, my God. That's not a thing. Funnily enough, no emails confirming that situation. The genital disease. Congenital, I think is what he meant. Congenital genital. Who knows?

Same thing. Who knows? Who cares? So this was the genital slash congenital disease that meant that if you get fucked and you really enjoy it, all your hair falls out. That was it, wasn't it? There was a stipulation.

There was a weird caveat. It was like, if you enjoy 98% of it, all of your hair will fall out. But it came out in clumps as well, didn't it? So she just had like bits of hair left, like a Cynthia doll from the Rugrats. Yeah, that's exactly how I picture her. Also another fantastic gear-changing conversation

because none of the Belinda Blink characters know how to segue. So, like, speaking of the fact that you're entirely bald, how did that happen? Nobody was talking about that. Speaking about worms, I believe. Yeah, squirming like a worm. Speaking of worms, another favourite clip from book two was probably the pathetic worm that is Des Martin

and his sad, lonely, empty life. Alice, life's shit, but we all move on. Do you know what I mean? Apart from Des. Belinda put her blouse, high heels and jacket back on as Des went home to his empty life. Oh my God. It's hard to get a boner when you're really, really sad for someone. I feel like there are very few pornos that have a scene that's really tragic in it. Yeah.

But then saying that, that's Dad kind of making character development, isn't it? But Des was, in book one, I feel like he was such a confident guy. Yes, his sales performance wasn't great, but, like, he seemed spunky. He was kind of cock of the walk, wasn't he? And then it just really took a turn for the worse for him. But his wife left him and he crashed the car oh no he didn't crash the car

she thought he'd crash the car no she did so not again you haven't written the bloody car off again have you Des Martin's a mess oh I love Des

with his little dribbling mouth oh god the dribbling all over the tits an awful lot of saliva coming out of a man for a man that probably has sobbed quite a lot in the past few weeks

still a lot of juices in other departments he'll be dehydrated oh he will he'll be like a husk seems like a lot in the past few weeks. Still a lot of juices in other departments. He'll be dehydrated. Oh, he will. He'll be like a husk. Seems like a lot of the men in the book are really sad. Struggling. Depressed.

Going through bad times in their life. I feel like Des is having this moment with his marriage and probably the first time he's been single since his 20s or whatever. I feel like Jim Sterling, midlife crisis. I mean, screaming that. It's just a cry for help. We'll see what a Harley Davidson in book three. Yeah, but the women,

whale of a time. Absolute best time of their lives. Bella, laughing it with Belinda. You know, spending a thousand pounds that she doesn't have on riding it. And my favourite, Peter Rouse's wife. Yeah.

I wonder what her name's going to be. I feel like it'll be Gert. Oh, something Dutch, you think? Yeah, something Dutch. I'm Christina, and's going to be. I feel like it'll be Gert. Oh, something Dutch, you think? Oh, yeah, something Dutch. I'm Christina, and here's my ass. Ta-da! I mean, the amount of times people introduce themselves that way now. And that was in an elevator, lest we forget.

I love that she wasn't really going to be part of our lives. Like there was talk of her and we just thought she was the other woman. But then quite quickly introduced to her, weren't we, at HQ. And if you're going to be remembered, I mean, that's a line to be remembered with. She reared up to her, didn't she? Like sort of reversed into her. Reversed into her. I'm Christina. But more importantly, here's my rear end. And also, even though we only saw her in that one moment, we did realise that she is Sir James Godwin's niece. This is the other thing. Everyone's getting quite connected.

Dad does know what he's doing in a way. Do you think he's got a mad kind of family tree situation on the wall? Is he tracking who he's connected to who? Probably not. No. They're all connected in some way. Because we met Clarence, who's the Duchess's husband indeed

he of Bella and the seduction in the maze oh yes he had a real real soft spot for her yeah oh god we're probably going to find out

like Bella and Belinda are sisters at some point ew no stop it Star Wars shit they're soul sisters oh god they're shagging sisters

they're glee sisters honey can we give a little shout out to some of the maybe smaller characters oh yeah we should the peripheries yeah who you thinking

Adam oh Adam Adam from Forces of Knightsbridge all together Adam and he's hung like a red London bus are we really

oh is that him and I also liked in Forsters little Cedric little Cedric Cedric he was about six years too old to still be working, but I loved him. Oh, my God. Honestly, on a life support machine as he was walking around that shop.

But he was doing his eight hours, wasn't he? Got to pay the bills. Too true. One of my favourites, mainly because I just loved doing his voice, was Hank Skank. Oh, my God. Hank Skank. Hank Skank. So what was Hank's deal then? So he enjoyed spaghetti bolognese an awful lot. Oh, God. Hank's Gank. Hank's Gank. So what was Hank's deal then?

So he enjoyed spaghetti bolognese an awful lot. Oh yes. But what was his job? He worked with Jim Sterling, did he not? Doing what? God knows. Meet and greets, that's all anyone seems to do if they're working with or near Jim Sterling. We're just doing another meet and greet, we're flying off somewhere.

We haven't booked it in. He was just enjoying the lazy pea ranch with Sydney. All the perks. All the perks. If we're talking about bit players, how can we forget Betty Wilkes and Vicky Woods? Oh, yes. Goodness, the First Lady exclaimed. So you're not on the official pre-conference Dutch fact-finding tour?

Say that ten times fast. Say that ten times fast. The official pre-conference Dutch fact-finding tour. I mean, it rolls off the tongue. You'd pay a lot, you would, for that printed on a T-shirt. But it's a very exciting event in the Pots and Pants calendar, I imagine. Yeah, so these are the door-to-door saleswomen who were all gathering at the O2, I think. Yeah, but this was the recce before the conference, right? Which you don't usually do.

No. You usually just go to a conference. Yeah, you usually just Google about the venue, perhaps, find out how many seats it is. No, we're going to fly there and just make sure we've got our route down, fly home, and then the next week come back. I'm still not even sure what the fuck that was all about, because I feel like Betty Wilkes and Vicky Woods are English.

So what were they doing in Holland? And why were they wearing crumpled clothes? So I really don't understand, but I also really don't care. That's a fair point. Even for Rocky, that can't be the last we've heard of them. It feels like a set up, doesn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, but he's disappointed so many times before with his set up. I still have hope. For some reason, somehow. Is there anything we're still waiting on? There's a lot of meetings she put in book one that she still hasn't done.

Yeah, whatever happened to Alphonse Sturbacher? Sturbacher, yeah. Belgium? Is there anything we're still waiting on? There's a lot of meetings she put in book one that she still hasn't done. Yeah, whatever happened to Alphonse? Sturbacher, yeah. Belgium. That'll be book three, surely. Do you reckon? I hope so. She could make a killing there if she gets it harassing in order.

If she stops fannying around with the caviar business, just focus on the people that need pots and pans, please. She'd be guzzling some more marinara, wouldn't she? Oh, lovely. Speaking of food, it was kind of a theme of Belinda Blink 2, wasn't it? We had the bolognese. Of course. We had Helga and her... Mayo.

Mayo, which actually was you, James Cooper, and not Rocky Flintstone. Thank you. Well done. Dr. Robbins was an odd character, but let's just sweep over here. Let's skim over that. Dr. Robbins! Shout out for Robbins. But I think the biggest thing that Belinda put in her mouth was Peter Rouse.

She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind. That makes me still feel so sick. The Gospel According to Flintstone. It's so biblical, isn't it? But that's the bit that Michael Sheen compared to Shakespeare. I mean, he was quite drunk by that point, I think. It's true. So Peter House's cock is like the benchmark of cocks.

Do you think? What you think it means that it's the best? In all of mankind. So if a hotel was really great you'd be like it's the flesh of mankind of hotels. Yeah.

But if they did like a crufts of cocks Gross. He'd win. He'd be best in show. Do you think that he is going to be her Mr Darcy? Do you think they will

get together eventually? What Rouse? Yeah. Because it feels like that's kind of the closest thing that we have to romance in the books. Well, they'll have to dump Christina won't they, in a rouse? Not necessarily. What, are they getting a little three-way? Well, they could

just have quite a contemporary set-up, couldn't they? A little menage? Oh, maybe. Maybe there could be a kind of three-way marriage on the card. That's so progressive of Rocky. I don't know if Belinda's ever after marriage though. She likes to flit about, doesn't she? She doesn't like to be tied down. She's always got an economy comfort class flight to get on.

She can't be, like, tied down to one family or one husband. Well, she's young. She's 29, you know. There's plenty of time before she has to get married. Also, she flies VIP. My bad. So there really have been some amazing moments in book two. It was a good book, right?

Rocky pulls it out of the bag every time. And lest we forget, these books were written about two years ago now. Oh, yeah, that's true. But they're timeless. They seem so modern. I'm just waiting for a really contemporary reference of 2014. Or like a mini disc thing thrown in that he's like, I didn't update that.

He'll be like, President Barack Obama. Not anymore, Rocky. So we'll be back. We will on the 29th of May. Put it in your diaries. Porno Day is back. And we're going to do a listening party for the first episode because we did one for the end of last series

and it was amazing. People dressed up. People made spaghetti bolognese. They really got involved. So I think for episode one, first day back, check Twitter and Instagram and stuff, but we're going to do a global listening party. Everyone listening at the same time.

It was so good. It was really fun. My mum and dad listened with me. Well, that's just weird. Well, I didn't invite them to. They just happened to be there at the time. I was like, I've got some work to do. And they were like, we'll help.

I was like, oh, no. Your mum was querying hashtag, I remember. She did learn Twitter as a result, which was great. And we're going on tour. Australia. Down under. It's so appropriate. I just want a result, which was great. And we're going on tour. Australia. Yeah, down under. It's so appropriate. I just want a free holiday.

We know. James, it's not a holiday. It's a very, very important engagement. Has it sunk in for anyone yet that we're going to be playing in the Sydney Opera House? For two nights. We're taking over for a weekend. I mean, we've all stood outside it. I never thought we'd all be in it reading smut.

Grade A pornography. Grade D pornography, to be fair. But yeah, I know. It's insane, isn't it? Well, it's winter there, isn't it? So it's down season. So they just needed something to fill But yeah, I know. It's insane, isn't it? Well, it's winter there, isn't it? So it's down season. So they just needed something to fill a weekend, I think. That's true.

Pretty much. But it's not just Sydney we're playing. We're playing Melbourne. Bit of Brisbane. Adelaide. Pop over to Perth. Yeah. And Auckland and New Zealand as well.

Yeah, can't wait for that. So if you're in any of those areas in the vicinity, run a mile or come and see the show, of course. And just before we start book three, what would really help us out is if you left us a little review on itunes yeah we'd appreciate that some lovely reviews on there some of them are in character so some of them are as if we're steel's pots and pans and they've written like a review like wonderful non-stick made a great omelette i'm like brilliant some of it's a one-star review pretended to be jim sterling no more of those please all right All right. Five star on out. And my dad does read every single review, not just in the UK.

He changes his iTunes settings and reads them from all over the world. Goes around the world. I know. But that does really help. And it helps us find new listeners and to spread Rocky Smut across the globe. Spread the good word, people. Have you been given book three yet, Jamie? I received the email of book three yet jamie i received the

email of book three last week oh my god i'm honestly so excited i haven't read it yet i haven't it's taking all of my willpower to not open it come on what's the title can you give us a tease the book is called and you'll be surprised at this because this hasn't actually told you guys yet it's called belinda Blinked 3. Genius. Absolute genius. Where does he get it from? Honestly. His brain is just so confusing, but just so incredible.

He's a pioneer of literature. See what he's done there? He's taken the title from the other two books. He's put a three on the end. Oh, he knows his brand. If it ain't broke, put a three on it. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy?

Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.