My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Belinda's CV

Episode Date: July 6, 2017

Who is Belinda? Where has she come from? What drives her? The gang try to answer these questions as they get their hands on her curriculum vitae... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Hello, my blinking chums. How's it going? It's my dad right up on the footnotes. Hello. Hi. Hi, Alice. Hello, dear. Hi, James. Hi. How are we?

Yeah, good. It's just been a week dominated by the bottom flannel, really. Hashtag bottom flannel has gone global. I've had so many texts. Was it us? Was it our bottom flannel? How many houses with bottom flannels have you visited? Apparently loads of people had bottom flannels. My friend Jenny, bottom flannel too.

There you go. She was with those people. The bottom flannel brigade. It's not a thing. It is not a thing. But does that mean there's a face flannel? People have so many flannel questions. I know. a thing. It is not a thing. But does that mean there's a face flannel? People have so many flannel questions. I know.

I don't know what it means. I guess the fact that they shared the bottom flannel. I don't. We're going over ground that we'll never know the answer to. Big families. Do you know what I mean? Individual ones. You'd have to replace them constantly.

Why? They're going to wear away. It's not acid down there. I don't know about how many times you can use a bottom flannel. You're already in the bath slash shower. You're not, you know... Oh, I thought it was on the sink. Let's move on.

Yeah. And of course, this week we discovered a lot about Belinda's backstory as well. We did indeed. Typhoid crockery holdings got a mention in the actual book. Also, her small primary school and slightly larger secondary school. Yeah, with higher ceilings.

Yes, of course. And the University of London. So I thought it's only fair to give the listeners what they want. I have with me guys Belinda's CV.

Oh my God. There's been whisper of this. So my dad sent me this a while ago Still not entirely sure why Imagine the formatting Oh can you imagine the formatting The formatting's a treat It's going to be all over the shop

Has he downloaded a special CV app do you think? No I can guarantee He's barely used a word processor I can confirm he hasn't And so much of it just says N-A N-A it just says N-A. N-A.

N-A. N-A. That's like half a page of nothing. Not applicable. Not applicable. What's the question? He's decided on the question too. So he's invented a question for her that's N-A.

Relevant skills, N-A. Previous experience, N-A. Characters development, N fucking A. Characters development, NA. So from looking at it, this is the CV that she used to get the job at Steele's. Oh, I see. This is the golden ticket. Yes, this is the information that Tony was so impressed by that he gave her an interview and then the job. I can only assume he got one CV.

No one has to compare it with. And he's just woken up from a coma. This is all he's ever seen. So what category are the NAs for? They're under professional accomplishments. That seems about right. Okay, right. So should we go through this CV?

Yeah, we're going to learn some tricks of the trade of how to get a big job. So the first thing, which is a good skill in CV writing, is her name is very large. Okay. Belinda Blumenthal. So that should be at least a point, what, 22? No, it's 72.

Go big. Go big or go home. Do you want this job or not? Yeah, I feel like she needs to fill most of the page with her name because there's so little else to put on it. But also, that's the important thing, isn't it? When they call you back, they're just going to need to know your name to tell you you got the job. Do you know what I mean? And she's the queen of pots and pans they already know

who she is she doesn't have a mobile so she can't even put a mobile number on it oh my god she doesn't even have a mobile has there ever been belinda sent a text or belinda whatsapped bella no you're so right she got pager though no she got pager in a fax machine but the fax machine's it's not portable obviously no but she doesn't work there yet on this CV. Oh, God, yeah, you're right. So, Belinda Blumenthal. Great start. In bold. Objective.

Semi-colon. Oh, Christ. To have a fantastic job and earn lots of money. Fuck me. Oh, God. Alice, it's in a.24. I dread to think. oh god Alice it's in a point 24 I dread to think it'd be in the bin now

if it were me that'd be it I'd be like semicolon and ridiculous objective no thank you I'd be intrigued I think personal statement

oh no it's one and a half lines long oh my my ideal job would be running the sales operation in a multi-million pound organization in the british pots and pan sector pan

no one's ever dreamed of that job also not a personal statement this is still the objective surely but what so the objective she just thinks is like an objective in life like she's not even limited that really to work yeah and then this line is so specific that it can only really apply to one job but so specific yet so vague however it is like they say you've got to tailor your cv to each job which it sounds like she's done in this case so there'd be another one that says i want to be like a rampant sexual individual within any sector. I want to work for a company that sounds like a disease, you know. Each job has a different...

Okay, we've got to the professional accomplishments. 2008 to 2011. So hang on, how old would she have been? She was 29. That's graduation, isn't it? Roughly. So when were these books written? 2015. Yes. Which would mean, and which is when She was 29. That's graduation, isn't it? Roughly. So when were these books written? 2015? Yes.

Which is when she was 29. Although she's still 29 two years on. She's like Maggie Simpson. Let's say she's 21. So 2008, 2011. Graduate trainee with Harold's of Knightsbridge. Oh, that's just around the corner, isn't it? From Forster's.

Yes. No wonder she knew that part of town. What did she do there? Why does Rocky only know two places? He knows near Heathrow and Knightsbridge. Also, Harold's again. Harold's. I mean, if you're escaping a lawsuit, try harder. So she's the graduate trainee with Harold's of Knightsbridge,

learning on the job with responsibility for retail sales of kitchenware and leather goods. Oh, brilliant. And learning on the job, which is what you hope every employee would do. Sorry, so they've got knives, forks and spoons and leather jackets. I don't understand. Yeah, and just, you know, your chaps

and your leather flat caps. I've heard about diversifying, but that seems a bit too far. Well, James, you're not a business expert, no offence. So just leave it to the pros, yeah. Leave it to Harold. Harold's, I think it's plural. No, he's Harold Alfaya.

So, learning on the job with responsibility for retail sales of kitchenware and leather goods. It's a good start. It's a great start. But guys, successfully completed the course and appointed to head of swimwear. Swimwear? That's another department you wouldn't expect to have. Leather swimwear. We gotwear. That's another department you wouldn't expect to have. Leather swimwear. We got your wooden spoons.

We got... We got your bikinis. We got your leather iPad covers. And we got your one pieces. Swimwear would be an area that Belinda would be good at, though, right? The skimpier the better.

To be fair. Oh my God. She better keep those gusset protectors in. Oh, they make me feel so sick. Hang on, what? Those plastic sort of panty liners that are clear,

that sit in the groinal region of a swimsuit. So if you try it on in the shop, you don't like soil it, I guess? But then your bits rub against the plastic. So everybody's bits rub against the plastic. It's like the bottom flat all over. Oh my God. Honestly, it's worse. It's a battery dish. In many ways, you should probably have God. Honestly, it's worse. It's a Petri dish.

In many ways, you should probably have an STI check if you've ever tried on a swimsuit anywhere. So next up, 2011 to 2013. Sales manager at Typhoid Crockery Holdings. In the southeast of England. Wonderful. Generally, you'd give the city But I like that she's just been pretty vague with that

Maybe it's another regional thing Like the regional sales managers Yeah it will be She's a sales manager She's the regional So for this she was a regional sales manager Oh she was an RSM That's why she's so in the know about it

Increased sales volumes by 125% Over my three-year tenure. What did she have to do to do that? It's a very impressive start though, boys. Do we think Belinda's behaviour now is unique to Steele's pots and pans, or she was up to this at Typhoid? Well, is it unique to Steele's in the sense that is that the atmosphere and the philosophy that they encourage and that they cultivate?

The culture. The culture. Is that their culture, or is that at all the places that she's worked? Yeah, I imagine it's all the places she's worked. Because it's not just the company. Anywhere she goes, she has sex with anyone. It's not just at Steve's. Amsterdam, Belgium, Texas.

No one's shocked by it. And she's not always the one instigating it. 2013. Good year for her, I imagine. To present day. Oh, oh hi which i guess means 2015 right yeah because this is the cv she gave to steals exactly regional sales manager yes uk yeah oh it's not really with international clothing pty pty pty can P-T-Y? P-T-Y. Can we Google P-T-Y, please?

Was it international clothing? International clothing, P-T-Y. But is P-T-Y like an LTD, a brev? I think it might be, but... Doesn't it mean like properties, is it? Oh, hang on. P-T-Y refers to proprietary company, a business structure under Australian and South African law.

What are you talking about? What? So she lived in Australia? Or South Africa. Hang on. Is she under a belt? Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Regional sales manager, UK,

which would then make sense, with international clothing, PTY, special responsibility for UK underwear range. Back at pants. Honest to God. But hang on, hang on. Thongs. Thongs.

She didn't apologise for them. She didn't apologise for them. So she worked in the UK for an Australian company called International Clothing. That's exactly what it says on the tin. PTY. Oh my God. Is that an international clothing piece? But it could be South Africa. Why are we ignoring South Africa?

Well, hang on, Al. This wide-ranging job... Wide-ranging? It's just pants. Saw me control four key account sales managers. I bet she did. And reporting back to our Australian HQ in Sydney. Okay, fine, James.

You got it. Thank you. God, the bureaucracy of it all. So she was in Sydney for what? At least two years, is it? Well, she was the UK manager, but she must have gone over there for business. So when we go over, are we going to be able to visit International Clothing's headquarters? International Clothing PTY, please.

Hopefully. So just so I'm clear, she was in charge of your thongs your boxes your briefs right for an australian company that sold in the uk exactly like your havianas right okay sure another kind of thong and she says sales of our beach and footwear have climbed 500 percent and underwear by 372%. Well, she famously wasn't in charge of footwear, so she can't... Specifically underwear.

She's claiming that stat. Very clearly says that she's there for underwear range. She's trying to flog that 500%. She's such a slippery snake. It's all smoke in the mirror, isn't it? Oh, my goodness. and then the next thing so this is where we get the NAs NA, NA, NA

that's it for the rest of her professional accomplishments yeah oh my god but then we get to employment history was that not her employment history we just had that oh which is now just all of the above abbreviated

oh my god September 2008 Which is now just all of the above abbreviated. For God's sake. September 2008. Graduate trainee, Harold's of Knightsbridge, London. We know. October 2011. Sales manager, Typhoid Crockery Holdings, Canterbury. That's not news. June 2013 to present.

Regional sales manager, UK. International Clothing, PTY, London. We've established this. I mean, what's that bit for? Is it if you want to cut off the bottom? You don't want to pull a phone number off a poster. It's perforated, that bit, yeah. Education.

Oh my God, is that blank as well? NA. Graduation. June 2008. University of London? What do you think she studied? Oh my God. Well, business, I presume. Business studies.

Doesn't specify what she got, though. I'm thinking a third. Oh yeah, just put the degree. Don't put the quality. Exactly. Oh, I do that and the last thing we have is

is her references so that was all she put for for schooling is that education those small and larger schools

didn't get a mention sure except they might do in the references oh for fuck's sake so we have some references it says references are available on request.

Request them immediately. Request them right now. And here are the people that we could request if we so desire. Oh my God, these names are going to be fucking amazing. Strap yourself in. Oh my God. This is going to be fantastic James Peterson

Isn't he an author? HR department International Clothing Australia Oh my god Norman Chongui Norman what? Conga? Congee

Norman Chongui Excuse me Do it again Once more for the top Once more with feeling Norman Chongui I don't know what you're saying University of London Business School Chongui Norman Togwi. I don't know what you're saying.

University of London Business School. Togwi. Pass me the CV. Give me the CV. Oh, my God. I think I'm going to cry. Norman Togwi. So, Norman... Togwi.

Norman T-O-G-U-I. That's not a name. Oh, my God. It is the best name I've ever heard. Why is he called Norman? Norman Togwee. Right, I'm going on Facebook. I'm going to see if there's a Norman Togwee.

Oh my God. There's what? A billion people on Facebook? Yeah. Not one Norman Togwee. Why has he just put loads of letters together? It's not his name. And then the final reference is Reverend Thompson.

A priest! Oh, God, a reverend. St Alfred's Parish, Sevenoaks, England. Whoa. I don't know if you should put a priest on there, Belinda, not the way you behave. Oh, my God. So, so show of hands would we employ her oh my god yes immediately

no way would have chucked it in the bin at the very beginning when she put semicolon after objective oh thank you so much for bringing that into our lives if anyone's writing a CV at the moment or applying for a job I really hope that's helped yeah that's some top tips there another lesson from rocky don't be afraid to have several pages attached that just

say na or maybe are just a much summarized version of what's on the first page if you need to fill the page just make the text but really big absolutely don't be afraid to maybe just have one letter per page so b turn page e turn E, turn page L. Oh my God. There you go. Belinda's CV. We know it all now. There'll be a new episode on Monday so we can see all of that business acumen in action.

In the meantime, get in touch. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, email. You know where to get us. Thank you so much and see you next week. are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind.

A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the I'm-too-small-for-this mindset hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.