My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Ben Barnes

Episode Date: August 17, 2017

Star of HBO's 'Westworld', actor Ben Barnes tells the gang about a weird connection he shares with Jamie Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This week we have got the star of HBO's Westworld and self-proclaimed Rocky Flintstone superfan, Ben Barnes is with us. Yay! Hello, I'm Ben Barnes and here's my arse. I feel like everyone should have to say that now when they come on. A rite of passage sentence to utter. Oh, here's my arse, yeah. You didn't actually do what she did though.

You remained seated when you said it. I did. you didn't actually do what she did though you remained seated when you said it I did she didn't just say it and Alice will rub her boobs all over it and act it all out my face has

now gone the colour of Alice's hair and Jamie's shirt oh no he was once a fan of the Belinda Blinks series he's now leaving the building he said he was arrested

in this posh office building for getting his arse out within three minutes of being there. I love that you thought about it, though. You were like, I mean, I guess they're asking me, so maybe I should. I really didn't think about it. Well, I don't want to be the one who didn't do it.

Yeah. I've been picturing this. You've been picturing this? Yes, this moment. Because, like, you listen to, I don't know, how many episodes have there been now? A lot, actually, yeah. Like, probably 40-ish?

40, including the footnotes as well. It's been 50 hours of listening to you guys and now you're real here right in front of me. What a disappointment. Do we disappoint, do we? No, it's thrilling. It's like animated Disney characters just became real people.

And I love that all the footnote guests seem to, like, talk to each other, like, after the experience. So you were like, I was talking to Nick about it in Las Vegas, having a debrief so how did it go for you it was way before it we even we just started listening to it oh really was that back in the day yeah we would like to one day me and james talk about this today we were to get all of our footnotes guests around for like a big dinner party oh yeah and just have everyone chip in and like discuss maybe when this whole saga finishes

not chipping for dinner it's 20 quid each dinner's on rocky we'd love to do a kind of dutch style where everyone brings a dish and 20 quid i didn't have a starter so so we're coming towards the end of book three now how have you found it i prefer it to book two oh oh i have to say i don't quite know why it's very you're saying before it's very very erratic like i thought that the last chapter erotic yeah erratic okay erratically maybe that's why he's writing erratic literature oh my god it's erratic oh for god's sake it's taken us three years to get there he finally makes it. Thank you for shining light on that.

I feel so much better. My dad's just writing Erratica. It's fine. That's amazing. Oh, my God. What a sense of relief. It makes sense as to why business is such a huge part of it. Okay, fine.

So why have you found book three erratic? I think he's decided to write a story. But things happen, sort of. Also, the voices have just improved vastly. I think Ken Dewsbury, like, you should play him. Like, that's brilliant. That voice is perfect. It's nice to, like, be a long-term, like, blinker and be like,

now it's actually you're trying to improve on bits of it, which is, like, so British and endearing and lovely. But, like, you're working on the voices now, which is the thing. I feel like you're probably to improve on bits of it which is like so British and endearing and lovely but like you're working on the voices now which is the thing that I feel like you're probably practicing now I'm not really I don't really practice and it does show I feel I do do a couple of run-ups sometimes I'm kind of with you Ben I think he's in his room like workshopping it I recorded one um like talking book once it was like a children's book I can't remember but I had to do like 40 voices in it because it was like you know alright they got their money's worth yeah

they don't they don't art pay well those because they're like oh great I'll read it and it'll take me half a day or whatever but then you realise

you've got to do like 40 hours of prep because otherwise you're going like what are you doing he whispered oh shit go back

yeah I find that and also what I find really hard is that and what's great about my dad's writing is that characters are there for a chapter and then fuck off and never come back.

So I'd actually have to deal with remembering any accents. Or consistency. Yeah, I can just do it in the day and then I forget all about them, which is great. But you've also been asked to do some accents which are not, don't exist. As have I in my career so far. Which crazy ones have you been asked to do?

I did in one of the Narnia films and not the following one because the director said that accent sounds really stupid i don't want you to do it anymore between the two movies two and three i did they went don't do that and i went okay that was literally how the conversation went michael acted as the director went we're not going to do that and i was like but it's part of the sort of the character though. But no, we'll find someone who does. All right, then I won't do it anymore. They wouldn't have done it. And admittedly, it was a very stupid accent.

So you went from, so give us a little blast of it. I basically based it a little bit. In the audition anyway, I remember watching The Princess Bride the night before. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. And I was like, oh, that's close enough for an audition anywayoya you killed my father prepare to die and I was like oh that was close enough for an audition anyway sure and then I started shooting

and they were like so we want like sort of a Spanish kind of accent like this and then they cast a bunch of Italians and like other people from other countries

as like my family and they were like you just sort of meld it to be a bit like European European-ish and I was like this is

this is offensive to someone European-ish and I was like this is this is offensive to someone such a rocky phrase definitely offensive to someone but then just gear change yeah and then

the third film I'm just me just no accent at all I just want to re-watch them now just to be spiteful you didn't act at all you're like

I'm just going to be me then no no I still did all I still had the hair and everything yeah but that was about it you did acting hair

there's a sort of understanding that with actors, like you're just allowed to have an opinion about their work. Like you can't go into a shop and be like, I don't like how you stack the shelves. Yeah. Everyone's allowed to be a critic because that's half the fun of watching TV or film

or reading a book is that you're allowed an opinion. Do you read the reviews? I haven't read a review in about 10 years. Fortunately. Oh, now I want to know what that one was. What the one 10 years ago was. That one, I don't mind saying it really, because it was, I did a film version of Dorian Gray.

Oh, yeah. And it was not particularly well received in the press. I think some of the nastiest things that I've ever, probably the worst review you've ever read. No. What do they say, Ben? I mean, they're seared into my memory. the nastiest things that have ever probably the worst review you've ever read no what do they say Ben I mean they're seared into my memory

and I almost didn't do any more acting after that because it was like all on one day they came out and I had to be at a premiere and get on a plane

and it was just like a horrendous day but I don't know has Rocky had to deal with any criticism at all apart from the podcast this isn't criticism

this is a celebration it is a celebration a weekly celebration and we do it with love He had to deal with any criticism at all. Apart from the podcast itself. This isn't criticism. This is a celebration. It is a celebration. A weekly celebration. And we do it with love. No, people love my dad. He's got cult status. Everyone wants to, like you say, celebrate Rocky Flintstone's writing. My favourite thing last week was when you tried to skip through dialogue as if he's never written it.

That's my favourite thing. Because you can hear the colour of your face in the headphones. i love it it's horrible like could you imagine it just put yourself in my position for like you've asked me that i brought you something oh oh well i brought rocky something a gift oh um it's not actually from me but you're not the only one we're in a similar ish sort of position if you see this book here A Woman's Guide to Loving Sex by Trisha Barnes no oh my god

this book was published in 1991 when I was 10 years old I actually can't breathe thanks very much mum and you can see in the front she wrote dear Rocky I hope Belinda finds love best wishes Trisha oh Trisha and she crossed out she crossed out oh that's her little biop 15 years experience You can see in the front she wrote, Dear Rocky, I hope Belinda finds love. Best wishes, Tricia. Oh, Tricia.

And she crossed out 15 years experience and put 40 years experience as a sexual and marital counsellor because this book is so old. And she was like, well, I have to change it. I have to update the bio. Yeah, exactly. I should add that she's a little bit embarrassed of this book now because she's like, it's 25 years old or something.

I don't think it's aged a day. Things have moved on. Yeah. The bodies are still the same. The advice is still good. book now because she's like it's 25 years old or something i don't think it's aged today things have moved on yeah the bodies are still the same the advice is still good my mum gives the best advice of any human there has ever lived her carnal knowledge knows no bounds but uh there are some tidbits in here which i feel a are very helpful for rocky but also some quite good advice for belinda and i remembered this when you guys texted me. You are joking. Will you read us the blurb? Yeah. A Woman's Guide to Loving Sex is the book every woman will want to read, companion to a major video setting new standards in this controversial field. A major video? VHS. It was

a VHS. I saw it when I was 11. It is specifically for women and about women examining relationships from the female perspective wonderful and there's a little checklist of things it includes can you tell us on the back there what's on the checklist a woman's guide to loving sex

considers the management of loving the management of loving the business management of loving it doesn't say business but yes contraceptive choices there's many rarely mentioned in this book

common sexual problems sex and pregnancy childbirth and parenthood oh wow full spectrum affairs outside your main relationship the menopause

sex and the older woman oh wonderful it is a cradle to grave sexual manual for women what a book to have on the coffee table when your friends come round

at 11 but I did I was looking through it and I found a couple of things oh my god there's pen and ink type drawings of couples engaging But I did, I was looking through it and I found a couple of things. Oh my God. There's pen and ink type drawings of couples engaging. So one is a man lying down and a lady is...

It's called reverse cowgirl. Yeah, we all know. We know. All right. You were skirting around it. Definitely knew. Ben, we don't all know, okay? So talk to me about when you first discovered that Trish had penned this.

I think I may have found the VHS first. I do remember, though. I think they filmed her interview for the VHS in our house. And I do remember being sort of, you know, 10 or 9 or something. And being, like, told I wasn't allowed in that room today. And there was, was like lots of people sort of milling around so quite exciting

because you didn't really know what it was about I didn't know what was going on and then I remember finding the VHS and like trying to play it and I remember it being

they're being like like soft core like reenactments reenactments but then it would suddenly cut to my mum talking about it so I had to turn it

even at 10 or 11 I was like turn it off turn it off mum don't watch this Ben it'll rot 10 or 11 i was like turn it off turn it off don't watch this ben soft core is like as hot as it gets you're kind of a bit like when you're 11 great and then your mum suddenly pops up fucking hell my god that's the stuff of nightmares isn't it like sexual harassment your mum being like no no did people know did like your friends know and things or i don't i don't really remember anyone particularly bringing it up.

I mean, they knew what she did for a living. So I think they were like, your mum does sex. Well, yeah, so does yours. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. What a great comeback. I'm not sure I ever was precocious enough to actually say that, but that's what I would say now at 35. I would say that.

Now I thought of it. that but that's what i'm saying now i'm 35 i would say that yeah now i thought of it and i feel like this has genuinely put you both in a minority like a quite close clique now i like that you feel like you're open to share your experiences i think we should encourage more people in the world come out yeah and say my parent writes about sex and we can we could be an army oh my god we could be the unsullied would we be on the same team though because my mum knows about it oh

oh my god should we leave the room Alice it's a torture I'm just saying listen this is I mean I sort of brought this gift in an advisory capacity

for maybe Trisha's gonna consult there is there are diagrams of like where the cervix is and stuff really is there really well the thing is like

this is the thing my dad never read this book clearly and he should have done and hopefully by the time he gets on to Belinda Blink 5 he'll have read the book although although my dad does enjoy saying that it was the only people ever to lose money on a sex video I really want to see the VHS I want to see it as well. So we didn't know that you were going to be a complete expert on being the offspring of a sex writer. So, I mean, already you go into the Hall of Fame as being a fantastic guest. But we actually thought, as you're here

and you're going to go back to LA, you know, whenever, and forget about us in your posh Hollywood Hills house, we should use... You should come and record there as well. Is it good acoustics I don't know he's never done a podcast very high ceilings

a lot of marble yeah it'd be shit it's a bit echoey you're like it's very swanky does sound bounce off swank the swank sounds like a dirty word

oh god he's having a massive swank you said before we started everything's gonna sound like a quote from this book it really is and it does we wondered if you could help us with a little task.

Because you're from the world of acting, we wondered if you could help us do some casting for the film. Because we're coming to the end of book three now, and there's loads of new characters. I think in series one we thought about who we'd cast for different roles, but there's a whole host of new characters in series three. And you still don't have a Belinda. Exactly. Well, first off, do you want a role? And if you wanted a role, who would it be? Well, bloody Nick Holt came up with what I thought was my really clever Adam idea.

But then I was torn between him and, as you know, I love the accent challenge. So I thought maybe the Marco. Really? Marco Rodriguez. Here's the thing. You two were obviously fairly disgusted by marco but then also both a little bit swoony about him when he's got like got going for the first time he was the only character that anyone was like oh he sounds all right so i was like i love that i love

that that's easier so you think you're hot enough to play marco but i can't remember anything about what he does other than like think she's classy for lying on the street. Tarmac. Rolling in the tarmac. The sun-blushed tarmac. Because he was Jim Sterling's plastic surgeon, of course. See, I could do that, play a surgeon. Yeah.

Have you played a surgeon before? No, see, new territory. I like a challenge. You could just use your Prince Caspian voice from the first film. I'll just turn up and just do it. Okay, so you're Marco Rodriguez great so you're getting desperate now because everyone else you've said well are you or we'll see the screen test

and you're like yeah fine you can do that is there anything else you can do because this is upcoming we've got deadlines our financing is about to fall out the bottom of this thing we need to get everyone cast. That's, by the way, all you ever hear. Yeah.

That's every conversation ever in Los Angeles. We're about to lose all the money. Yeah. Turns out we have no money to lose. Yeah, but who else? Well, do you... I think all three of you have to play a role, obviously. And no one ever asks you who you would want to play.

Obviously, if you're this desperate, you're all going to have to chip in and play someone, aren't we? Well, I know who I'd like. Who? I'd like Helga. You would be a good Helga. Well, because I can't act and I embody Helga. You could bring your own knitwear.

I could provide my own costume. I feel like I live Helga anyway, so that would be really easy. I actually think, Jamie, you would make a great Dr. Robbins, but it's already been taken fuck off it's been taken twice no I think I should be Andy Milston then

yeah I think you've got the voice for it thanks yeah you might need to be aged I feel like he's old they can age me up yeah

you know prosthetic Daisy really is in prosthetics to be the Duchess I can do Andy Milston good good leave it with me very good point

really James should be the youngest man but that's gone too that's gone what about one of the one of the old cowboys the old one of the old steak and tip Good, good, good. Leave it with me. Very good point. Really, James should be the youngest man, but that's gone too. That's gone. What about one of the old cowboys? The old... One of the old steak and tits. The ranch hands.

Oh, steak, A's and T's. Oh, no, it could be Hank's gang. Hank's gang. Can it be Hank's gang? No, you can't be Hank's gang. You've got the accent, James. Yeah, I've got the range. By the way, James looks so forlorn

at being so rejected. This is what it's like, James. This is the actor's life. Yeah. It's a dog's life. You had a very small window into what it's like, James. This is the actor's life. Yeah. It's a dog's life. You had a very small window into what it's like. Oh, yeah.

The audition, the rejection process. It got snatched away from you immediately. Okay, you could be Hank Skank if you want. Yeah, I'll take Hank Skank. Or Virgil.

You can be Virgil. Virgil is such a bit part. That's such... How dare you? James, it's not about... It's what you make of the role, right, Ben? You'll be a producer

slash performer as well so you'll be busy so you probably want to take a bit of time such a fob off that's clearly what they say to actors we'll give you producer credit

if you shut up oh my god and what does that involve remember how you promised to shut up so I'm trying to think of some of the new characters in this book.

There's a whole host of new people. Who's going to play what I think is the prime cameo of the sound man at the O2? I don't know why he's really stuck with me. Who did you want? Well, with Nick, I said that maybe James McAvoy could play him. But maybe he isn't smallish enough. He can play a lot of things, though, couldn't he? I feel like you need to give him

something meaty you need to give him the flesh of mankind or blue ejaculate or something something meaty no I know I know who could play Alfie

and you might have worked with him I think maybe Peter Dinklage yes oh yes I have he's the most wonderful man in the world

would he do it do you reckon would he be up for it? Is this the sort of project he'd be attracted to? He's got an amazing naughty sense of humour, so I imagine so. And he's just about to finish Game of Thrones, so he'll be free. So he's going to need a job. He needs to follow one project that's going to be as big as Game of Thrones, Belinda blinked.

It's a franchise, guys. And plus it's a cameo, you only need him for three hours. Okay, done. Peter. Klaus Block. I've always had in mind Christoph Waltz to play Klaus Block. Christoph Waltz? Do anything, though. Okay, done. Peter. Klaus Block. I've always had in mind Christoph Waltz to play Klaus Block. Christoph Waltz?

Do anything, though. Double Oscar winner. Stop saying he could do anything, though. That's what you said about McAvoy. He could do anything, though. Okay, so who else is there? Madeleine Chocolat. Madeleine Chocolat.

Okay, French. Oh, I think Eva Green. Or Ava Green, as you're supposed to say. I was going to say Marion Cotillard. Same, same. Isn't she a bit... Not same, same. They supposed to say. I was going to say Marion Cotillard. Same, same. Isn't she a bit... Not same, same.

They're interchangeable. I jest. I jest. Isn't she a bit broader, I think? Marianne? No, Madeleine. It's broader. Does Madeleine involve nudity?

Madeleine Chocolat. It all involves nudity. Because we know Ava Green's all right with that, don't we? Oh, that is true. She loves it, doesn't she? Get them out broader broader we're going to offend

someone now you can't say that Ben you said it you said it I said she's alright with it clearly because she has a history of it

you're the one who said she bloody loves it she's got previous she's got previous oh my god have you ever had to do nudity

in a film yes well Westworld oh yeah you had to ride off in I did and they sometimes give you a little

pouch Michael Sheen told us about the pouch the pouch yeah and if they yes well Westworld oh yeah you had to ride off in I did and they sometimes give you a little pouch Michael Sheen told us about the pouch the pouch yeah and if they need to see like side of flesh kind of thigh and hip

thigh and hip area or from the back then you can't wear it as a thong you have to stick it on oh with bits of double sided basically

no and sometimes a costumer will say do you need any help would you want me to do and you think no i'm all right with that myself but if you're doing immediately to tape this to my underside of my balls oh and then if you're doing any kind of activity like especially if you're riding a horse, the very first day of that, they slapped the horse's arse and it galloped off. And then the little pout just went...

And I sat there in my head and watched it go and just looked back thinking, I hope someone brings that to me. Because for the decency of the crew, really, I mean, you know, if I'm naked on a horse, eh, so what? And the decency of the horse, really. Yeah. It was a saddle. Oh my God, you were bareback. No, there was a saddle no you were rocky bareback bareback in rocky's world is completely wrong oh yes of course what did he say was bareback oh um commando yeah just means

yeah no knickers how many takes was it i probably only rode off about four four times that was enough that was enough though yeah and. And will you be riding back naked? I think it's alright to say I am going to do a little bit more in season two. You're back in Westworld. I've only read one scene with myself in it and it is not naked on a horse. Oh damn. But beyond that

I don't know. He's found some clothes. He's found some clothes. Logan will be dressed. Logan will be dressed. Spoiler! for one scene at least yeah exactly and the rest of you be completely bald naked but you know bald naked who's bald naked again everyone's everyone's naked uh well ben you've been amazing thanks for swinging by we've loved chatting with you it has been a dream come true thanks for the book rocky's gonna love that yeah yeah i hope so jamie ben i think you two should take each other's

numbers and kind of have a little... Can you help me through this? This hard time. Therapy. Be each other's therapy. Amazing. I'm in for it. Thank you so much.

Thanks, Ben Vaughan. Thank you so much. Down, down, down, down. Ben, you need to chill out. Sorry.