My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Book Announcement

Episode Date: July 14, 2016

Amazing news - Rocky Flintstone is going to be an actual published author! We're releasing a book this October and you can pre-order it NOW at bit.ly/MDWAP Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Extras, taxes, and delivery additional. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your, with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Hello everybody and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno The Footnotes. It's episode two. James and Alyssa with me. How are you doing guys? Good. Top of the world, thank you. Fantastic. And we've got some very, very exciting news, haven't we?

We really have. I've been desperate to talk about this for ages. Yeah, me too, actually. Who wants to say it? I feel like when we've said it out loud, that makes it real. Yeah. And it can't actually be real. Do you think they're trolling us?

Yeah, maybe it's taunting. Oh, my God. This is all one big joke. It's a hoax. I feel relieved. That makes so much more sense. I feel like you should be the one to announce it, Jamie. Oh, really?

Go on. Okay. I'll do it with glee and a smile on my face. So we can officially announce that my dad wrote a porno team, have signed a book deal. We're going to make a book out of Rocky's book. This is the most unbelievable part of it, is that Rocky will be a genuine, legit author.

He's going to be a published author the thing that we never thought would ever happen and in fact we've mocked him perilously for never achieving Belinda Blinked will actually be in there and that will be on actual paper that will be on you know not like not toilet paper this will be genuine print quality paper one thing I realized I think the British Library keep a copy of every book in the English language ever. Belinda Blinked is going to be preserved forever. But they get to have five wildcards a year where they just reject it. Oh, right. Vetoes. Five vetoes.

One day they'll be opening it with, like, white gloves on and, like, delicately folding the pages. Can you imagine generations of the future? Yeah, what if someone picks us up in years to come and thinks this is... A real book. Real text, yeah. But maybe they will think that we were a more primitive being because they read and they're like,

oh, they didn't understand sentence structure, they didn't understand how to write in kind of a flow. They were learning how to use English at that time. They didn't have opposable thumbs. The thing is, though, that could actually happen because of the way that we're doing our book. Because we're doing our book in a kind of like a spoof York note style study guide. So somebody in the future might actually find the book,

think that Belinda Blinked is a seminal piece of literature, and actually start learning things through the joke text. This could be on a future syllabus. It actually could. Oh, God. What have we done? It does cover a lot of themes though like belinda blink does cover i mean business as we know love romance it covers like sexuality

sexuality yeah that as well i mean i wouldn't say love maybe lust i think giselle loves tony and belinda loves pots and pans that's true So the idea of kids studying this, I mean, I would... Oh, God, don't say kids. But we're doing a revision guide, guys. True. Are you proud? Of course I'm proud of him. My dad is going to be a published author.

That's a great thing for any son to kind of realise. James meant, are you proud of him? James, I've always been proud of you, sweetheart. Thank you. I never thought I'd write a book. You're a star You haven't written it yet darling That is crazy isn't it

It is 18 months ago When Rocky self-published on Amazon Little did he know Well it's interesting because It's actually going to be out for Christmas This book So all of our listeners

Are going to be able to get a little slice of Belinda In their Christmas stockings Sorry about that But people have always asked us Where do I get it? Where do I physically get it? Yeah. And we were just saying the other day, James and I, because obviously you always read it

out. We never get to see the text in its full form. You do a lot of mental editing. So when we were reading it off the page, we were like, this is gold just to read. Oh, yeah. It is brilliant. It's a different experience. It is.

Almost we ruin it, James. I think we do our comments really detract from what is the goal that has been said we talk over it way too much we just need to shut up and listen there was somebody who said in the early days wasn't there that um the podcast would be good if it was without all the commentary i think it was if it was without you if it was just an audio book but it isn't just going to be Belinda Blinked. You know, that would be madness because you can already buy that. It is going to be Belinda Blinked with our comments, our notes.

There's going to be some original stuff from Rocky Flintstone himself who's going to be giving a few of his insights into why he came up with the concept. Why a maze? Why Belinda? Hopefully a lot of questions will be answered. I've never written a book before. I'm nervous. Of course you haven't ever written a book. What would you have written a book on? No offence, obviously, but...

So dismissive. Yeah, I'm affronted. What are you trying to say? If Rocky could do it, anyone can. No, but write what you know and what do you know? Oh, ouch. It's good you'll be across the table. I'll give you a good old slap.

Burn. We've done a lot of disparaging chat about Rocky, and now we've actually got to put pen to paper, and I think we're going to realise that it's not as easy as it looks. Yeah. I think we're in for a reckoning, guys. So I've been doing a little bit of research, and I found some tips for writing a book,

which would have been great for Rocky, but I think we can definitely use. It's not too late for us. Yeah, it's too late for him. So it says here, let's start with number one. Never be in awe of your own style. Oh okay what does that mean that's basically a way of saying don't be super self-indulgent which we definitely are we're so self-indulgent aren't we are we really annoying i'm sort of having like an existential crisis now it's definitely self-indulgent

to ask if you're annoying well i feel like rocky's in awe of his own style and it's worked for him true okay so maybe we can't necessarily tick the box on number one let's look at number two ah now this does apply writer's block equals writer's indecision oh basically don't hide behind that because we've been having a bit of that we have but i also feel intimidated to be writing alongside rocky because people love rocky now, people love his words. He's borderline untouchable as an author. Our stuff is going to have to sit alongside that and be as good as, or as

bad as, as the case may be. The bar's quite low. I think we'll be fine. As long as we can string a sentence together I think we'll be cool. This is an interesting point. Go. The first page of your first novel is the most important thing you will ever write. That is pressure.

That is massive pressure. The first thing that you write is the most important thing. Like, why is that? Because it's the first thing someone reads and they can choose to not carry on. They might not carry on, yeah. So that's why you started with Belinda Blinked. Strong punchy. That's why the blouse is off within sentences.

So what do we do for the first page? Maybe we just... Maybe we just leave it blank. Oh, in a kind of sort of like post-modern statement. Ironic statement. Yeah, let Rocky lead the way

and we'll just follow. Or maybe we use the last line of Belinda Blinked One as our first page. Oh, what? Belinda was well and truly fucked? Yeah.

Just James, Jamie and Alice are well and truly fucked. We have to write a book. Oh, God. What a dedication. Oh, well, the first page is usually the dedication and actually

if it's an intriguing dedication I read on I think there's only one person that we can dedicate the book to though it's got to be Wilma hasn't it your mum surely

the long suffering Wilma it's got to be she hates being called Wilma by the way does she she hates it sorry Wilma shouldn't listen though right

so it's fine no she doesn't she'll have to get over it there's worse things in the book this last one is pretty lol. Raise your effort, lower your expectations. That should be the motto of this podcast. What does that even mean?

Raise your effort, lower your expectation. Try hard, but don't expect too much. Well, we do. We try too hard. Yeah, I think we do. With the definition of try hard. But to be fair, we don't expect anything, so. I didn't expect a book, that's for sure.

I've just seen another one. There's a little bonus one down here. Oh God, what is it? Write as though your mother will never read it. Not a problem. That is definitely how Rocky's writing. Basically, what we've learned from these tips is we should take every leaf out of Rocky's book.

We've been so confused and we've needed maybe a chart or a diagram or a graph. People need to understand the book. And just like when you read Shakespeare, and I think it's probably not the first time the comparison's been made, you need glossaries, you need ways to kind of dissect and understand the text.

And with Rocky, it's a completely different language. It really is. You need a bridge to the way he sees the world. And who better to interpret that than his own son? Do you think of yourselves as business associates now rather than family? It helps to, yeah. To have a contract must, you know, like really put on the page what's important. And also I think there should be like,

we've got to put the drinking game rules in there and things like that. We've got to make it like... Yeah, we should firm up the drinking game rules. I think we want it to be a fun book for everyone to actually engage with and they'll have quizzes and things that they can get out at a dinner party and just have some fun with it because it's given us so much fun. Because people do read-alongs, don't they? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it's like a sing-along. You can speak along the words with us. Maybe that can be like priority number one. Maybe that's the first page that we were talking about. The drinking game rules. Straight into the juice. And then hopefully people will be so drunk, they won't even notice how rubbish the book is.

Well, I think, here's my thing. It's not about the first page. It's about the cover. If you've got a good cover, people don't give a shit. Honestly, I've got so many books on my shelf because they look nice on the cover. Should we make it look classy? Yeah, I think we should do a classy front cover.

Because what people are expecting is one boob flopped out of a dress. And what I feel like, you know, a little Pikachu under the skirt. Whereas it should be probably a nice little fabric cover, a little leather cover. Do you know what I mean? So we're just basically getting people to judge the book by its cover then? Judge the book by its cover. I cannot stress that enough. So the only way we're going to sell this is if we trick people into buying it.

Trick people. So nice cover. And I say, RRP, 75 quid. It's practically attention. Like a massive tomb. A massive coffee table book. Yeah, exactly. Something that people will want on display.

And then when friends come over for a dinner party or whatever and go to Delvey and people go, Oh, sorry, it's really new. I don't want to get, like, you know, your destructive oils from your fingers on that so that people really never see the content. Yeah. And we should also do, like,

a little tiny little pocketbook version and call it the Jim Sterling edition. Oh, that is lovely. You've been thinking about that. That just came to me now, guys. That is lovely. Travel size. Travel size.

Travel size. He's travel size. Oh my gosh. You know like snack size when you get the mini chocolate bars. He is snack size. He's a little breakaway. The other great thing is as well, not to sound like I'm on the total punt, but for those that listen to the podcast, this is a good present for those that don't listen.

You don't have to have heard it. You are such a saleswoman. You are such a Belinda. Excuse me. I was led to believe you had 300 outlets in Belgium. If you don't, why am I even here? Oh, my God. We will be selling books in Belgium and Amsterdam.

Amsterdam. Amsterdam. Amsterdam. Oh, my God. I think we should go. Like, tell me if you don't want to. Like on the book tour yes yes that'd be a great great trip for us if nothing else which means we have to go to

was it the isle of sky she hasn't been oh it's mentioned yeah that's mentioned windsor windsor is mentioned horse and jockey we have to find out where that town hall clock is and do something from there ritz bar gossip let's go there. We've got to go to the Ritz. Oh, bloody hell, yeah. Yanksville! Yes, Yanksville. We have to stop calling it Yanksville. I think that's looking like a lovely little trip. That's a great idea. Ten points, Al.

I'll contact the publisher. God, we don't have long to write it, though, do we? I know. That's what I'm slightly worried about. I think that's kind of where the panic of the writer's block's coming from. But we are working to a very similar schedule to Flintstone. I was going to say, yeah. We I think that's kind of where the panic of the writer's block is coming from. But we are working to a very similar schedule to Flintstone. I was going to say, yeah.

We're basically trying to kind of mirror Rocky in every respect. Because he writes a novel in what is it eight to twelve hours? About that, yeah. So obviously we can't

compete with that but we're doing that for like a chapter. We don't have a pavilion. We don't have a pavilion. We don't have the tools that he uses to write. That's where we're going wrong.

Does anyone have a conservatory? We could always go and visit Dad's pavilion. Let's go and write in the pavilion. Oh my God. Will he let us? I mean, it is a sacred place. But I think as long as we bring loads of chilli and chardonnay, we'll be fine. Do we have to cross ourselves as we enter or something like that?

Oh yeah, cover your shoulders, obviously. It's true, right, that he writes in the heat. Yeah. So how will we recreate that in... Like on a radiator. Do you think? Simple as that. Little electric fan.

Little fan heater. Yeah, exactly. Okay. It has been quite muggy recently, so I just suddenly get the juices flowing. I'll maybe just wear that cagoule I was wearing earlier, because I was sweaty as in that. The amount of condensation that left your body as you removed it.

Honestly, it's like a crumpet, wasn't it? Okay, well, I'm up for that. If you think we should do a writer's retreat. Let's do it. Email Rocky, see if he'll let us in. Let's podcast from the pavilion if we go. That's a great idea. That is a great idea.

Read it from its spiritual home. It's the way it was meant to be. Right, okay, so we should go and get on with the book. Well, I've booked out 12 hours tomorrow, so hopefully we can just bash it out. Oh, yeah, for sure. There's plenty of time. You bring the pens. On it.

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Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.