My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Charlotte Crosby

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Entrepreneur and reality star Charlotte Crosby is a real-life Belinda. She drops by to share some hilarious stories as well as her business tips for our heroine... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno The Footnotes. I've got James, I've got Alice. Hello. Hiya. And today we are joined by a really, really special guest. One of my good friends and a real life Belinda. It's Charlotte Crosby. Booyaka Sha! I thought I'd give a good entrance.

Oh, that was good. A different one. I thought I'd mix it up. It's definitely different. We've never had that before. Does Belinda ever do that? She's a woman of very few words, Belinda, which is where you two differ, I think.

Oh, God. So Charlotte is the breakout star of Geordie Shore, one of the biggest reality shows in the country. In the world. In the world? I'm sorry, you idiot. It's not in every country in the world. She's huge in Australia, for God's sake.

Australia? I'm like Lady Gaga. I get off the flight, there's ten paths, I've got to have my sunglasses on, I've got to go out the back. One time I even got a car out there's ten paths I've got to have my sunglasses on I've got to go out the back one time I even got a car out of the plane

I did you're so showbiz don't even ask about Italy what happened in Italy don't ask she said Italy's even bigger

than Australia no one even speaks English that's what makes it so crazy you don't even know what they're saying which is quite good for me because there could be

booing us and I wouldn't know I think boo's a universal term do you get abuse You don't even know what they're saying? Which is quite good for me, because there could be booingers, and I wouldn't know. I think boo's a universal term. Do you get abuse? Oh, yeah. They're not fans, then, are they? When the fans are drunk, they can retaliate badly.

I've once had a lime bounced off me head. A what? A lime. I don't know what he's laughing at. I had an egg on my head the next day did they bring a lime with them? they must have found it from behind the bar you know how they're cutting the limes for the Coronas I'm behind the DJ box

everyone's shouting stuff and I don't react in the way that they want the fans, it's what the fans say goes I said no and then BAM next thing I know this green massive round thing is smacked off my head

and it's embarrassing because everyone laughs it was just awful so you need to be prepared I give them what they want I give the fans what you need to do I remember when we went to Sydney and we went to that place

not in New Zealand that weird that's what you need to do. Okay. I remember when we went to Sydney and we went to that place. Which one? You know, in New Zealand? Oh yeah, New Zealand, yeah. It was New Zealand, yeah.

That weird... It was the one where I was on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was, it was the stage and it was the big screen behind.

yeah, yeah. Oh, that was a crazy one. And everyone like, was loving you and screaming at you. Yeah. Because Charlotte,

we should say, Charlotte is the queen of social media. You've got how many Instagram followers? I'm not the queen, I'm not the queen. You are. I'm not the queen. You are. I'm not the queen. You're the princess.

Remember Adele? No one can beat Adele. But you've got like five million on Instagram? 5.2 to be precise. Wow. That's pretty impressive. So you're quite the entrepreneur

and so is Belinda. Like you, you're a proper business woman. Yeah. What have you got? You've got like clothes. You've got your own fitness DVDs.

Yes. Fastest selling ever. Fastest selling ever. Fastest selling ever. It outsold Frozen. Frozen. I do. It outsold Frozen? In its first month, yeah.

Wow. And what's the good one? Game of Thrones. You know how everyone loves Game of Thrones? They love it. They lap it up. I actually did your workout video the other day, Charlotte. I texted you about it.

I know. He did. He texted us about it. Yeah. And isn't it good? It's really good, but I hated you about it. I know, he did. He texted us about it. Yeah. And isn't it good? It's really good, but I hated you so much while I was doing it.

It hurts. It really hurts. It's a proper workout. Well, I'm dirt. So what do you have to do in it? Oh, well, it depends which one you're going for. Okay.

I have two. What would suit me? You've got a lovely figure, Alice. Good save. I would say a belly is great because it's a lot of cardio. So it's great for like your respiratory system

good for stamina stamina yeah do you do them? I do a bit of cardio from time to I mean I've never done Charlotte so I need to get a copy I can send you the DVD

oh great oh thank you very much don't it'll kill you honestly we did think actually that Belinda might be good at doing a little workout DVD

well she's in great shape, isn't she? Because she has sex so much. She'd do a really good dirty one. And I'd definitely buy it. Like the squat thrust. Oh, do you think squatting onto someone? Yeah, and then instead of like the press-up, it could be like a 69. Oh, yeah.

Press-up being into their faces. That's a great shout. And has anyone done that, do we think? No, I think it's... There's a gap in the market. I think we should tell Belinda about it. It'd be a good incentive for exercise. Sexercise.

Sexercise? Oh, my God. Do you think we can trademark that name? I'd do more exercise if sex was involved. I don't believe it because you know when everyone's like, oh, let's just have loads of sex, we'll burn loads of calories. But I just lie there. It's your pillow princess. of calories but I just lie there you're a pillow princess

what calories am I possibly burning you know how they say you definitely burn a kick-ass bar I'm not even burning a penguin not one more

I'm not even burning a penguin not even a smarty I'm literally zero minus ten calories but do you think it's because it's

keeping you away from the fridge at least for those three minutes maybe that's quite you think it's because it's keeping you away from the fridge at least for those three minutes maybe that's quite good sometimes it's 10 on a good day

now you've obviously listened to a few episodes of the podcast yeah and we just want to get your perspective on it really well I'm ready to give

are you I'll give everything you just ask us who would you say because obviously Belinda has experienced many different crazy

sexual encounters she likes a little bit of pussy you really don't have to whisper pussy on this podcast and a little bit of penis no yeah she just doesn't like

to label it she's just like yeah today I like men tomorrow I like women she just goes with the flow exactly precisely well have you ever indulged in a bit of lesbian action, Charlotte?

Well, I mean, I can't lie about it. There was this one time on Geordie Shore with my good friend, Chloe. It was just two friends having a great time. Kissing a cuddle. It was, all it was, was naked twister. Drunk naked twister with our tongues on each other's vaginas. Oh my God. That is not naked twister.

No, no, no. I tell a lie, I tell a lie. She only did that a little bit to me. I did not do that to her. So Belinda's had all these weird sexual encounters. I want to know. My weirdest. What's the weirdest you've ever had?

Yeah. I want to like make something up because i thought they're all pretty boring no that can't be true or if you had any weird boyfriends plenty of those no there was this one boy right who this is a weird one who really liked these nipples to be licked and he'd be like lick me nipples lick me nipples what's in a shop no no no like obviously in the bedroom and i used to think i don't really know how i'm gonna do that then he would like fall to the bed and i suddenly had like flashbacks of when i was tiny like getting milk from my mom's breast and

it was awful it was a really awful experience so that's probably maybe the only one yeah but everything else was pretty normal. And was he like, let's just try something weird? No, no. How about you lick my nipples again? No, you just said it. He never said, let's try something weird. You just said, do it.

Do it. Do it now. Did he ever like rub like food on there just so he could trick you into doing it? Yeah, a bit of Nutella or something like that. Nah, I didn't get any treats like that. Any treats? Just did it. Any treats from the teats?

He's long gone This was like five, six years ago And have you ever joined the Mile High Club? No Belinda's been in the Mile High Club twice But how has she? One was a handsy one, wasn't it? You have to have sex to be in the Mile High Club

Yeah, she's done that now But how? Whereabouts? In the cabins that the staff go and sleep in. That's a lie. I've never been on a plane

with one cabin that a staff sleeps in. I mean, flights aren't that long. No, they do. Apparently they're real. Apparently there's a staircase and then there's little cabins that they go and sleep in.

But why? Because they're tired. But how long's the longest flight? Well, like an Australian... 12 hours? Yeah. People do 12-hour shifts, they don't need to go take a nap.

Who are these lazy air hostesses? And what, are they getting paid to go nap halfway through the job? But it's a 12-hour shift, I've never done anything like it. There is no flight longer than 12 hours. No, but they'll have done another shift. Will they?

They'll have gone back. That's illegal! Belinda needs to go to human rights. And complain about these slave driving planes. Can we start with human resources and then go to human rights? Let's not escalate this too quickly. Yeah, let's not bring the UN into it just yet.

Yeah. But do you know anyone who's ever done it? I know that it can be possible. It can, but not with this stupid whole cabin thing. If you fly first class, you actually sometimes just get a double bed and a cabin. So you close the doors and everything. So when the lights go off and people are sleeping,

you could easily do it if you were quiet. But when you're saying if you were quiet, I mean, is it illegal? I mean, like if you made some noise, are they going to come and be like, you're not allowed to do that? Like I've never seen it written down on you. I know you're not allowed to are they going to come and be like you're not allowed to do that like I've never seen it written down on you I know you're not allowed to smoke but there's no sign saying you're not allowed to do it it's just it's just disorderly behavior isn't it well it depends what you're doing I suppose it could be very orderly

I think you probably get a little bit of a telling off I think the plane will probably stop at the next airport I reckon I think so they'd land the plane because someone was not a bus Charlotte at the next airport have you not reckon I think so they'd land the plane because someone was shaking it's not a bus Charlotte at the next airport have you not heard about when that plane someone had a shit

in the toilet and it stunk the whole of the plane out they turned it back round and took it back to the airport it was only a shit you could have put

some air fresh under there so they're going to turn the plane round for a turd a little piece of poo in the toilet if you're coming all over the sheets

and the woman's coming to serve you a glass of Prosecco, it's going to turn round. Turn round. I just love the idea of like, we're putting it in reverse. Someone's jizzed. Back to London. But they charge you, don't they? If you get really drunk on a flight

and they have to ground the flight, they charge you, don't they? If you get really drunk on a flight and they have to ground the flight, they charge you for the whole thing. Oh really? That's the most expensive sex you've ever had. Well, exactly.

Yeah, maybe you just get charged. Most expensive poo you've ever had. Seriously? But no one's going to claim that, are they? But do you not think

nobody owned up? Do you think they do what they do at school? No one's leaving until someone owns up. If you'd done a shit so bad that you had to land a plane, you wouldn't be like, yeah, that was Nathan. Oh, God, I wouldn't have liked to be on that plane.

I still want to go, because basically Belinda gets into all these crazy situations. Have you ever had to do anything a bit crazy to secure a job? So I once went to get a job in a call centre. This is such a boring story, I don't even know why I'm so boring. But I sang a song and did a show in this it was a group interview so the whole it was a group interview process so you're all together and you all do presentations together in the spot the people who stand out the most right so in my one we had to try and sell a pair of glasses so i made up a song about the glasses a dance about the glasses and like a massive picture and I stood there

and performed it I mean I wasn't naked or anything but we can pretend I was did you get the job? yeah I did oh well done and the man rang us up

and went you got the job we went well Charlotte what the hell did you do because they were raving about you I was like well I did this the glasses

you gotta buy the glasses they're so clear you gotta turn and train and vision it's all in hd you can see why you got the job so that's it and also boring honestly no crazy situations especially not for a job how explicit or how graphic has it been on jody show? It's nothing like Kim Kardashian's porno. Well, that's good to know. Thanks. Is that the gauge?

That's the gauge. It's literally, for all you know, we could all be acting and many people think Jodie Shaw's fake. So I could sit and tell you now, it's not even real. Make some noises and we'll make the quilts move. But it is real. The quilts just move a little bit and that's it. Okay.

I really feel like you should have a crack at writing some erotica, Sian. Oh. I think you'd be good at it. Yeah. Better than Dad. I would try. I'd try everything once. You're a best-selling author, aren't you?

But I had a ghostwriter. It's hard, isn't it? Writing a book is hard. It's so hard. I couldn't have done the full thing. We've just written a book. Oh, so you've done your own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want to see it? Yeah. It's yours. Definitely sexy. You're actually the first person to ever see this book in real life. We got it this week. Here it is. Right.

What do you think? I like the colour. Yeah. It's a sexy one. Isn't it? It's a colour of love. It is. It's also the colour of danger.

My mum always says that. But that's for someone who's a pessimist. Right, Alice. You have red hair so what does that mean you're a dangerous woman just saying so

I'm flicking through the book through the book so I like the way it's got all these so this is what obviously your commentary yeah

I want to be able to keep it do you have any pictures we've got pictures like there's oh is that pomegranate yeah

I get it so this is Belinda's Belinda Do you have any pictures? We've got pictures. Oh, is that a pomegranate? Yeah. I get it. So this is Belinda's Belinda. And this, but this is my dad wrote porno because this is this. Exactly. In writing. Perfect. Why didn't we write that on the back?

It's a book of the podcast, Charlotte. Genius. How did you come up with it I never knew you'd be able to turn a podcast into a book I know honestly

minutes of work in there and Charles 1299 for it who knew so here's a fun game from the book basically as you know my dad's pseudonym

for writing the book is Rocky Flintstone as we all know what's his real name I'm never going to tell you that no one knows we will never reveal do you want to bet

something like John Brown so he's dead boring it is a really know what's his real name i'm never gonna tell you that no one knows never reveal job had something like john brown dead boring it is a really boring name i'll tell you that much and in the book we have a porn pen name generator where you can create your own porn writing pseudonym so your porn nom de plume if you like porn nom de plume yeahume. Yeah. Is that French? It is a bit, yeah. Or four. For pen name. Oh, right. There. But this might be useful if you decide to write an erotic novel. Or become part of one.

Well, exactly. So like Rocky, you do first name, action hero, second name, cartoon character. All right, come on then. So first name is the month of your birthday. So what month are you born? May. May. Jean-Claude.

Oh. Oh. I thought you just meant it was going to be May. So, oh, right, okay. Jean-Claude. So I'm a man. Yeah. Well, it could be Jean-Claude.

All right, okay, we'll say Jean. Jean-Claude. That's your first name. That's my Nana's name. Is it? Not Claude, but the Jean part. We need to decide your surname. So I need the first initial of the person you'd like to take into the leather room.

The leather room in the offices. Exactly. Someone you'd want to have a bit of naughty time with. That would be A. Oil. So you're Jean Claude Oil. Are you pleased with that? I think that is awful.

You're welcome. I wouldn't even want to meet a person with that name who's a not telling oh it's a secret no it's not who is it i'm not telling you why it's not alice is it it's anonymous oh clever so do you think that um belinda i mean as as a female entrepreneur do you think that belinda is quite accurate now is she a good representation of a female entrepreneur i think belinda needs to have if she wants to be an entrepreneur she needs to have her fingers in a lot more pies than just the pots and pans do you think she's got it she's what she's a sale executive yeah of a pot and pans yeah So boring. How is that an entrepreneur?

So how can she diversify? If she likes shagging so much, why doesn't she make some kind of sex-related business? So she's got her pots and pans, and then she's got her sex business. It could be, like, you know when they do that webcam thing online? Yeah. She could be a webcam girl. She could hire the girls and get them all to do like

the tees and the boobs and stuff there's so much more she can do I think Belinda is only just starting out I think she's

if she's got the right brain power which I don't feel like she has she could go far the sky is the limit I mean wow

we'll have to wait until book three to see if she does become a webcam girl it's just our own sex clothes sex clothes what's that lingerie i mean to say sex clothes i got my sex clothes underwear to our own sex shop yeah totally so much could go in the sex shop could she combine

any of those ideas with the pots and pans? Sexy pots and pans? Maybe the handle could be like a dildo or something. Oh my God, exactly. You could just be making your bolognese and just be fucking it at the same time. A little bit of mayo on top. Oh, God.

Oh, Charlotte, that's just not nice. See, look, we could help Belinda out. Look at the ideas we've come up with. It's not a bit brainstorming. Yeah. Do you think that's where she's going? She's just not brainstorming enough. She hasn't got time to strategise.

She's just too busy having sex all the time. Yeah, you're right. And she's not really thinking out of the box. And I think maybe what you did is you were like, it's not just a TV show that I was on. I've got to think merchandise. I've got to think branding. a tv show that I was on I've got to think merchandise I've got to think branding I've got to think events I've got to think an empire exactly well Charlotte thank you so so much for coming on and just giving your expert opinion on what Belinda's doing wrong thanks so much for having us I just so happy

that I got to give Belinda some advice and I'm sure Rocky will take this on board as well because he likes to write well-rounded you know detailed characters and this will really help him inform like future books I would imagine

oh of course so thank you it's been a great great literary help too thanks thank you Jean-Claude Oil