My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Dame Emma Thompson

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Double Oscar winner, national treasure and star of 'Nanny McPhee', 'Sense and Sensibility' and 'Love Actually', Dame Emma Thompson has the gang round for dinner. They discuss Rocky's feminist credentials, sex education with her daughter, and wearing trainers at Buckingham Palace... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porno the footnotes now this is the last footnotes of the season guys and we're going out with a bang because we've got a double os winning national treasure dame Emma Thompson is with us hello oh welcome to my kitchen and all my recipe books upon which our microphones are at present uh precariously I don't know if it's a normal fixture but I love the kind of array of pots and pans you've got going on no it's not normal we put them up there just put them up special thought i thought i just want to impress them with the battery de cuisine um no they're all up there yeah it's like walking into pots and pans steals pots and pans it is this is about as professional as it normally is though this is what we do we we put the microphones on books and we talk away yeah travel around the country talking to people about your dad's porn i've met your dad this is what i was going to say

you met albert hall you were in the albert hall i mean readers you have to remember that these people were in the albert hall which is enormous a huge bloody great theater and it's just them being brilliant with three microphones i mean it was like watching Fanny Craddock all over again. Just someone in the middle cooking. You know, just people talking. I call that extraordinary. An extraordinary achievement. Oh, thanks. That's off.

And amazing. Well, this is, I mean, and did he terrify you? Because he kind of ambushed you somewhat in your box. He did. I got a feeling his shirt button might have been one too many undone at the front. Right. Yeah, he goes for quite a low V. He went for quite a low décolleté.

Yeah, yeah. And I don't know, was there something nestling there? Oh. What, a medallion, you think? I don't know. A third nipple? Oh. Now you're talking.

He doesn't do jewellery, actually, my dad. He is quite classic in that. Yeah, all man, he'd say. He was very nice and he's brought me a poster of Belinda and her swollen nips. There you go. I mean, you can't ask for anything more than that. That'll make some great shreddings for the guinea pig or something.

So I'm sure that'll get framed. Oh, no, our guinea pig's in the back garden underneath the flagstones now. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. We had russian dwarf hamsters they're both buried yeah all named after various forms of carbohydrate biscuit oat cake we didn't get another one because it was all too dramatic and tragic someone trod on biscuit i took biscuit to the vet no it wasn't quite the end i took it i took him to the vet and the needle that the vet was going to push into it was longer than its poor little body.

I thought, well, that's not going to work, is it? It's going to come out the other side. What are you going to do? Are you going to sew it to something? Anyway, we digress. We do. In a really major fashion. We do, but I'm impressed.

You can always cut it, though, can't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the thing. Anyway, I'm going to have another drink. We do digress, but I am impressed cut it though can't you yeah yeah yeah so that's the thing anyway i'm going to have another drink we do digress but i am impressed because it sounds like alice has done her research she knew you had guinea pigs i've been in that back garden for a few hours before i knocked on the door um this is the first time that we've brought the podcast to somebody else's house usually we just do that hours so thank you for hosting that could also be a veiled kind of oh you couldn't be fucking bothered to get on a bus, you bitch.

It could be that. I can't work it out because I don't know you well enough. So it's thinly veiled. I'm trying to read your face. This is the first time we've had to leave the comfort of our own studio and come to somebody else's house. I don't know. I can't tell yet.

We're having fish pie for tea. This is great. My old man, i found him in the afternoon with an apron on saying well i think there's seven of us do you think that'll be enough i said yes it's great he's made a fish pie with a root vegetable topping um i think you would have come to us before what happened last week actually i have a sneaking suspicion that something's gone to your head dame emma that's right i've had all the furniture slightly raised i'm an inch above you like the twits yeah no absolutely now that was um extraordinary that experience it was very

touching actually yeah congratulations we should say you know amazing honor thank you thank you so much you caused quite a stir though why you wore trainers yeah but they were posh trainers they were posh trainers they were posh trainers and i i couldn't believe the controversy that it uh that it stirred up there are a lot of controversy of course you have to understand that as well as not listening to any fucking podcast ever well yours obviously but mostly not i don't do social media so i have no idea so when these things are oh my god you caused a stir i'm Well, let me tell you, it was all the major outlets. And by that, I mean loose women. And yeah, they couldn't get enough.

They had an eight minute debate on your trainers. About whether it was appropriate? Yeah, I think so. Oh, that's so interesting. We don't know what the result is, but we'll get that for you. Could you get back to me on this? Yeah, we'll get back to you.

They're vegan. They were vegan trainers. Stella McCartney, Stan Smith trainers. Come on now. I got into terrible trouble wearing jeans on in Cannes though once did you I wore a very sparkly top look if you're wearing a sparkly top it doesn't matter what you're wearing underneath it it was jeans and their fashion police just went oh my god what is she doing she's destroying the whole Cannes

experience everybody is coming to see the beautiful actress is all dressed up looking gorgeous and look what she is doing she's wrecking the whole thing those Austrian journalists though be more like Belinda and say I don't give a shit I don't care now Em you not only have an Oscar for acting you also have one for writing

so as an expert is my dad any good what a face oh So as an expert, is my dad any good? What a face. Oh, look. Hands over eyes for the listeners. We have to go. You know what? Yeah.

You're selling out the Albert Hall. I think we can safely say he's a fucking genius. I mean, he is. Come on. How else have we got here?'s a good point actually we don't give him enough credit i don't think i don't think you do no it's a certain style it is it's a very specific kind of subset of writing but um he's owned it very much so god he has he has it's the regional sales aspect of it all that just it's as though do you remember that film The Fly with Jeff Goldblum?

When there were those two pods and there was Jeff and a fly and they got mixed up slightly. It's as though there was sort of a Jackie Collins and like motoring for beginners. You know, they were in those pods and they just got whammed together. And that's what came out of it. Like a freak, a freak scientific experiment. Experiment sort of thing. Where various different writing styles got just churned up into this extraordinary... Like a horrible Frankenstein's monster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did zero research. He's never read an erotic novel. And I don't think it shows at all. I think he's really done well. I don't think he needed to. No. I think it would have really curtailed his creativity. I do too

I think there's just something, he's just extrapolated in the most extraordinary way and I mean all power to him really. Yeah. My glass is empty, what the hell's going on? Daughter. My daughter and slave is sitting in the window, she's bouncing over

to the quite good four door fridge. Gaia reacted very quickly. Is that often a thing you... Daughter, and then a double clap, and then... I don't even normally have to say, you see? I don't even normally have to say the D word. It's just a flick of the eyebrow, you know? The ice cube decanter's just champagne.

She's been really well-trained. She knew how to make Bloody Marys at the age of what? Three? Six. Six. Bloody Marys at six? Wow. Exactly.

Thank you, dear. Well well we should say it's gaia that brought us all together together that's the point is that guy i would hear her sniggering and her bedroom what are you listening to she said have you heard of this my dad wrote a porno and i thought that's a very funny title oh my god and then i listened to your first um thingy and i don't even know the language i'm sorry i'm nearly 60 for god's sake have a heart can't you jesus the young are so they're just so punitive judgmental anyway um so i listened to it and thought well this is just such a brilliant idea because as well as everything else it does sort of take apart the whole notion of pornography and make it as ridiculous as it is

because it is so, if you ever see pornography, it's so sort of industrial. Yeah, clinical. Do you know what I mean? Clinical, weirdly, sort of without any... It's so odd. And I think it's absolutely fantastic, therefore, and got weirdly sort of without any... It's so odd. And I think it's absolutely fantastic, therefore,

because it's a kind of, you know, counterculture. We had to kind of tear it to pieces, really, because... Yeah. Yeah, my dad was writing from a very kind of old-fashioned viewpoint, you know, one where women had breasts like pomegranates, for example. A world that never really existed. The pomegranate thing was just extraordinary to me. Because they're sharp yeah very yes very pointy they're sharp yeah the nib they're hard and sharp yeah very hard

actually christ i'm so hot i'm sorry i'm just taking i'm just talking to you through my jumper this is me talking to you through my jumper because my menopause is right in the middle and let me tell you girls and, it's no bloody fun. Don't talk about that enough. Your father doesn't mention the fucking menopause in his pornography. He ought. He ought. He ought to, actually.

It does produce a lot of heat. Famously, yeah. I think a sex scene, a menopausal sex scene, we should suggest it to him. You did say something, though, very, I mean, not to make it serious, but when we met at the Royal Albert Hall gig, you said, it does feel like a moment when we should be saying, this is ridiculous this has been this way for such a long time

Exposing it for what it really is. Absolutely I agree, that's what's so wonderful about it and why I salute you with all my heart You know what, when my first film Okay, this isn't going to be boring I promise. Well, it might be.

17,000 people just switched off. Was called The Tall Guy. And there was a sex scene in it. And we had to be proper, because it was a comedy sex scene. You know, we were shagging on the piano. We were shagging in the breakfast things. There was shots of my ass with bits of toast stuck to it. And, you know, there was two fucking days of being nude on set. And when the film came out, the campaign against pornography, which used to exist, I know that's a hilarious idea now.

Oh, my God. Really? A campaign against pornography? That's so fucking 19th century. Anyway, it did. And they said that if they were to show their children a sex scene, they would show that one. Because it was fun and funny and it was full of humour.

And it wasn't sort of... Because I noticed at the time that all sex scenes were... Everyone was so angry. They're angry. And you look at people's faces. You look at Basic Instinct. You look at basic instincts, Sharon Stone and What's Her Face, doing this, and they're always just livid.

Livid. So cross. And you go, why is it cross? And it is silly. Like, it is funny. Well, it's supposed to be fun. Sometimes, obviously, one does find one's face in a rictus of severity.

You know? So Belinda does enjoy it. And that's a plus, I think. one's face in a rictus of severity, you know. So Belinda does enjoy it. And that's a plus, I think. That's a plus. But at the same time, we don't really talk about it. We don't talk about it properly. And we sell it to the young. With no emotional education attached to it at all.

None. Which is the most important part of it all, really. You know, I've gone into WH Smiths and I've taken all the magazines and I've just turned them around. Or put them on the top shelf. Or just gone to them and said, what on earth do you think you're doing? This is ridiculous. You're so right, though, because there's so much that we don't talk about. We don't even talk about pleasure, really.

We don't talk about that from a young age. That's not a priority. In fact, it's a bit shameful. When you discover masturbation when you're little, you think, oh, I don't know whether I should be doing it. fact it's a bit shameful so when you discover masturbation yeah when you're little you think oh i don't know whether i should be doing but it's really nice the fact that we don't talk about pleasure and where pleasure comes from because one of the places it doesn't immediately come from is your cunt or your dick i'm sorry but that's true. Yeah. Oh, my husband's just come in. Chocolate cunts.

What an untimely checking of the fish pie. He has so left. He has so left. But it's true, is it not? Why don't we talk about pleasure? But that's what's so great about my dad's books, in a way, is that actually all of the female characters have such agency and they are not shamed for their sexual...

No. Well, they're celebrated. Absolutely, yeah. And the volume of it, too, isn't an issue. Isn't an issue. It's an issue. And the fact that my dad subconsciously somewhere decided to write about women telling sex from a woman's perspective,

that's really rare. I mean, how many porn films are from the female perspective? None. decided to write about women. Yeah. Telling sex from a woman's perspective. That's really rare. I mean, how many porn films are from the female perspective? None. And therefore, there's a huge sort of generosity to it. Sure. It's incredibly charitable. Let's unpackage that.

Well, I think there is a generosity. I met your dad and he's a generous soul. He's got three daughters. Generous with himself. You know, he is... And my mum's an absolute amazing firecracker of a feminist, has raised us all as great feminists. Not sure where my dad kind of fits into that. But actually, oddly, I think his books are quite feminist.

Yeah, you're right. Absolutely. He is one of the great feminist writers of our time. You know, from Beauvoir to Rocky, it's literally one tiny little it's barely a step it's a shuffle it's basically a Bronte sister he really is what I worry now is that's going to be his in his email signature Emma Thompson the greatest feminist author of our time Rocky Flintstone is a feminist icon it's the feminists we all deserve guys I think we all

agree just going back to that though i read today that you once made a kind of sex and emotion handbook for gaia when she was younger i did you did because um thinking about sex and the fact that we don't really talk about it and that's what's so brilliant about this it was about connecting the feeling that you have in your head in your heart in your stomach and in your groin because they're all different feelings and they all need to somehow balance together before you take any action what what is right to do is wait until that happens yeah it's like the slot machine isn't it when the four cherries come at once

go and get that little book for one eye for podcast listeners it would serve no purpose no can i get it we want to see it might serve a purpose you never know on each step with peloton from their pop runs to walk and talks you define what it means to be a runner whatever Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. The first time Gaia messaged us, she also mentioned that you'd be keen to play someone in the Belinda Blinked movie, The Duchess. Oh yeah, I think I'm cut out for it. And that you'd bring your own whip. Have we got a whip? Have I? it's a very short one isn't it

oh this is just stuff we shouldn't really be saying more of a truncheon i've got a paddle oh that'll do will that do paddles do you mean like an auction paddle or like a sort of an you could use it as an auction kind of like a spatula yeah type thing yeah it's a sort of you know wooden paddle that would do, wouldn't it? Sure. I think you'd be perfect. Well, I mean, I don't want to be awkward here, but... There's competition.

This being Hollywood, a younger actress has usurped you at the minute. Daisy Ridley from Star Wars. She wants it. She wants it. She wants the Duchess, but are you going to take it? Well, there you go. Emma's got a paddle, so... I bet she hasn't got the props.

No. I've got the props. Do you mean that metaphorically? Like, I bet she hasn't got the props. I bet she hasn't got... Yes, it's like my version of Cajones. I've got my paddle. That's a sort of actor's insult, isn't it?

You don't have the props for this. You don't have the range. New insults for actors. A fight to the death then between you and Miss Ripley. Me and Daisy. Yeah, I'm on. I'm in. I think you may win.

Yeah, I was going to say. The paddle, the dame hood, it's in the bag. The trainers lie on her. That's what I'll do. I'll lie on her and beat her to death with my slippers. My furry slippers with bobbles on. Very nice. We have the book. Gaia's brought the book down. Ga on very nice we we have the book

Gaia's brought the book down Gaia you went and got the book okay so this is a double sided you flip it and turn it upside down it's a book of two halves there's emotional self care I feel like for the purpose of this podcast we need to flip it and just do the sexual self care so first

thoughts on sexual self care ooeyoo does that just mean like oi oi does that just mean like oi oi no it's oi oi slightly slightly spooky because it is a bit spooky when you're little it is a bit spooky like imagine doctor who theme tune yeah oh i see i see that yeah yeah it's quite a thick book is this full no all right i was gonna say it's about 100 pages she was gonna add to it and i kept it away from her from adding oh wow am i allowed to read this is this all right um i don't know if i'm ready for it 32 um can i start by saying one thing i think sex is well maybe you should read it gaia yeah i feel like you should read it okay so can i start by saying one thing i think sex is a really shiz word it's all s's and x's and sounds

like a snake not in a good way and it's hard and sibilant on the ear and used to make me feel slightly queasy even just hearing it so for the purposes of these early writings I'm going to choose another word in fact I'm going to make one up page turn large colorful letters shavum so much better I feel oh my gosh everyone wants shavum shavum everyone wants good shavum oh yeah it also sounds a bit like it lives with chutzpah like a bit yiddish there's something very yiddish about it which is actually quite right because you you could imagine that that culture would come up with a really great word for feeling very very horny which again another word i hate horny i hate, again, another word I hate.

Horny. Hate it. I mean, we've got just about shivoom, but there are certain feelings to look out for. And in this patch of life, the really crucial feeling is the icky sense of unease that we get when there is shivoomy stuff floating around

that we are not comfortable with. There you go. Cue the... Oh! Actually, what it looks like is a crime scene drawing of a day of when you draw around a body when i assume your first boyfriend was a gingerbread man he was ginger and i think you you yes you said on this body scan mark where you think you feel your icky

sensation and i don't know how old i was but i've drawn crosses where very high up like like if the hairline your hairline was having a bad time like nipple belly button spleen and spleen was reacting very badly looks like the pubic bone it's not it's not parts of your body your thigh was going wild here are. We've got the title of this chapter is pornography. Oh, this is great. Now, as you know, readily available on iPhones, computers, and pretty much anywhere. It is likely you will come into contact with it or already have done so. You've got in the brain, again, the dead body.

There's brain matter where you said lots of reaction. In the heart is no reaction. The icky feeling in the stomach, which looks like the head of a cauliflower. And then where I assume you think the genitalia is, which says lots of reaction. Although it is smooth like an action man. There's nothing hanging down or going in. All I'm taking from this is that actually Emma has as much knowledge of the female anatomy as my dad. Yeah, I was actually mean rocking together.

Apparently the kidneys, when you're aroused, are doing a doing a lot hey you can feel it there as well and you've you've called um pornography the kingdom of ick but i think that my dad was a porno excludes i think should we sit outside of that you guys very much involved in i'm talking about all that stuff you see online and they're all poor yes it's just kingdom of ick isick is what we're going to call normal pornography. Oh, that's the term that's been coined in this book. Yes. So it's if anyone does anything, says anything, implies anything, shows anything, suggests anything

that makes you feel ick, move away, get away, say no thank you, or even just no without the thank you, walk away because ick is an unbelievably useful emotion. Ick means no. Yes. Simply really. Emma! That's fantastic! This is the best book ever. Ick means no. Yes. Simply really. I think that's fantastic. This is the best book ever. Ick means no.

That's so true. Ick means no. Ick means no. Just go with it. And the last part of this chapter, again, the body scan is becoming even more... Radioactive. Somebody's died.

Their pubic region bright pink. It's boundaries. God, you're all so cruel. Somebody has... Okay, so it's for jazzling. If you were to dye your pubes pink is what I'm looking at right now. And it just is shavum. When the mind, the heart,

and the centre of shavum are connected, then you are safe. Safe to make a decision about how you are going to act. And that's how you ended the sexual... So good. That's so true. And actually, it's really simple. It's so simple simple you just need the four things to be in line that things to be in

line like the cherries in the you know you just go yeah i feel i it's all right but you always know because your instincts are so so finely tuned they're the the subtle gauge by which we should all be allowed to live our lives ick in the left kidney means no ick anywhere means no darling right good particularly ick in the hairline or your earlobe anywhere just say no that's brilliant i love that you did that that is such an amazing gift and how old were you when you got that? Let me just place the bottle down. That's the third bottle, everybody. I just want you to know that I'm in the company of three alcoholics.

How old would I have been? I'm just saying that quietly. I think I would have been about probably 10. Yeah. Something like that. Shavum. Shavum. It's going to be in book nine.

It's a Shavum story. It's a story of Shavum. Rocky can have that word. Okay. It'llum. It's going to be in book nine. It's a Shavum story. It's a story of Shavum. Rocky can have that word. Okay. It'll be in it. It'll be in it immediately. He'll be rewriting it. Shavum, thought Belinda,

has her pomegranate-like breasts pursed from her complicated bra. Oh, honestly. A harness. That ended up literally like a truss. It's kind of like what my dad's doing, though. If you laugh at something, you can suddenly talk about it way more freely. Absolutely.

It's what Mark Twain said. He said it's about humbug, actually. He said you can get at things with words and with all sorts of way, but only, he says, this is the phrase, only laughter will blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. He was good. He was fucking good, wasn't he? He wrote some very good porn.

So really, Rocky's been sent to save us all, to smash. That's, I think, the inevitable conclusion to which we must all arrive. There's no choice. We are being cornered here by our own arguments into acknowledging him as the saviour. He's here to smash gender norms. I don't know. You know how some people come to... It's like Jesus.

Didn't know why he was here, if you believe that sort of thing. But he was here to do God's work, but he was unaware. So I think maybe Dad's been sent to do this, but he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. Are you calling him the sexual messiah? He is the sexual messiah yeah

um belinda's his mary magdalene well emma thank you so much for outing yourself as a belinka this has been so much fun well thank you for having me and and making the desperate trek i now see to another location so far not the altitude for your podcast yeah and for making such good use of my cookbooks which I'm now going to

cull in a vicious fashion all I would say is it's a shame we didn't cover any of the big topics but

vacuous because this was oh just so pointless but fun you know and that's life isn't it keep it shallow

that's what i say yeah shallow like a puddle shallow throbs emma thompson everybody own each step with peloton from their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton All Access Membership Separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running.