My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Dr Tamal Ray

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

Dr Tamal (also, a finalist on last year's 'The Great British Bake Off') joins the gang to give a medical analysis of Belinda's activities. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Pawn of the Footnotes. This week I've got James and Alice, hi. Here again. As always. Thank God you haven't bailed on me. And we also have a very special guest this week. We have Dr Tamal off of Bake Off. Yay!

Hi. Hey. Great, how are you? I'm good. Our first doctor, I believe. I know. Well, we thought we had to get a doctor on at some point, and the only doctor that we know is Tamal.

Yeah. Apart from our own GPs, and that's a weird conversation to have to have. I've come about this mole, and also we do this podcast. Can you grab a service? It's fine, I won't judge you. Oh, yeah, but it would cost a private cost of fortune. £300 an hour, so if we could just sell that later.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. You came to see our live show. Yeah. Enjoy it? Yeah, I loved it. It was amazing. You made an amazing cake. I know, I was quite proud of that.

My friends were stressing out because I hadn't done any of the icing until that morning. They were like, come on, you need to get on it take this seriously this is not some bloody BBC one you know primetime thing it's certainly not Alice it's certainly not uh you suggested that it was kind of a joke when you tweeted and said you can make a cake and then James was like yep I'm just sending you the measurements james three eggs 400 grams of flour yeah basically i just thought it was just a throwaway tweet i was like oh oh right i'm locked in now okay me seeing this show is definitely contingent on me paying with cake it's fine it's fine definitely come to the show and about the cake again can i just have the panto number for the shade of icing thanks it is an epic cake oh my god it was so nice

x-rated would you say? It's pretty graphic. I don't know, I was covering all her unmentionables. Yeah, the modesty is very much concealed. Because I want it to be classy, because this is a classy affair. Of course. It was kind of like American Beauty meets Belinda Blink.

So she's there on a bed of red pomegranates with her legs. Very slayed, very slayed. She's flexible. She used to do yoga. Long pins. Very long pins. I was actually like really careful about it. I was like, would this be proportional?

I'm measuring out the legs and the arms because people take this really seriously. They absolutely do. That's why you're here. Because you're the voice of reason. And it was pomegranate and passion fruit. It was, yeah. Delicious. It was so nice.

And my dad is so impressed. I showed him today. That's the greatest praise. He should be a new judge on Bake Off. Oh my God. Could you imagine? They need new judges.

I feel like he'd be quite a kind judge though. I feel like he'd be like, fantastic. And then they'd bring the next one and he'd be like, fantastic. What pan did you use in this?

Well, he can replace Mary Berry, there you go. We should definitely make the call. It's worth making the call. Oh my God. I think he was replace Mary Berry, there you go. We should definitely make the call. It's worth making the call. Oh my God. I think he was born for it. I really do.

So imagine with just like a tea towel over his head. And filling his pockets with cake. Like I imagine he'd just take loads for later. They don't need

the tent anymore. They could do it in his pavilion. Oh my God. Save some money. Well, writing erotic literature is part of the

bake-off application process. And it's where a lot of people fall down. Maybe the signature bake takes as long as it takes Rocky to write a book or something. He's like, finish Belinda Blank Tate. Stop. You've got 69 minutes to make. But yeah, the cake is on Instagram now if people want to see the cake. It was pretty spectacular.

And also, you were in the audience of our first ever the cake. It was pretty spectacular. And also you were in the audience of our first ever live show. It was amazing. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, I loved it. I thought you guys did amazingly. You were on the opposite side to the two women with the pints of wine,

which I was kind of glad about because they were very involved. I feel like you should tell people from the future, bring your own. Because I was like, I had all these massive bags and they were just full of icing in case the cake didn't get damaged on the way down from Manchester.

But you think, you know, BYO for the drinking game because people were running dry by three, four minutes in, do you think? I think it would like definitely add to the experience if people were like vomiting in the aisle or something like that a bit too much. It's what Belinda would want. Dr. Tamal endorses binge drinking.

Love it. Oh God. You're going to be struck off. Yeah, I know. Well, you actually probably will be struck off after the next conversation that we have, because we kind of need some help. Like, we are wading through Rocky's unusual anatomy references.

Have any particularly jumped out to you as being medically unsound? I mean, the description of whatever he's trying to describe as lids. Oh, the lids. Oh, yeah. That stuck with me. Yeah, so what do we actually as lids. Oh, the lids. Oh, yeah, that stuck with me. Yeah, so what do we actually call lids? What's the medical term? I think he's going for the labia.

I think that's what he's trying to describe, yeah. I actually didn't know that that's what he was going for. What do you think he was going for? Well, I think he thinks there's like a double doorway, like a saloon door style double doorway. Like automatic doors? Yeah, and then within, everything's jumbled, and depending on gravity or like where the

way you're lying or whatever everything just kind of hangs at different points at different times of the day and stuff sloshes around exactly yeah yeah i think he thinks it's a bit like a minestrone soup in there oh man everything orbits the cervix i don't think he thinks anything has a fixed position it's 12 o'clock The ogre is one ahead And you're in maternity at the moment So you're seeing a lot of vag right now Yeah, seeing Bag loads of vag

Oh god, yeah so much We don't really describe it as that on the unit And the beds 1 to 12 A bag load of vag Loads of babies And women's bits as well oh good okay it's quite the range yeah what's what's some of the stuff you've seen i mean you must see some stuff in maternity i've seen lots of very cute babies yes and then i've seen where they've come from

and um sometimes it all goes according to plan and sometimes it's a little bit of a mess down there afterwards. Oh, don't say that. We'll get them sorted out. So I was cracking out this chat at dinner last night and my friends were just wincing. Oh, God, go on. We're just like perineal tears.

Excuse me? There it is. There it is. So your pelvic floor is just muscles, basically. Stop looking at me. Just make eye contact somewhere else. I'm really sorry. The way you said your pelvic floor,

I'm like, stop talking about my pelvic floor. You're a strong one. I don't look at anything, actually. If you look to the floor. I'll look into the ether. Yeah, just so you have to do quite a lot of repairs. Sorry, I can't stop looking at you. It totally won't happen to you.

You'll be fine. This isn't a consultation. But go on. Just take this twice a day. Just for future reference. Go on. So yeah, like it can, baby can tear like all the way through the muscle

as it comes out. And then that needs stitching up. When you say all the way through, not like all the way up the back, like round against you into your heart. No, no, I'm talking more depth. So I could see all the way through to the bowel. No! But I've studied the anatomy textbooks, I'm like, oh, okay, that makes total sense, but I'd never actually seen it before.

I was like, oh, okay. But it's all right, it's all repairable, so you don't need to be... Is that beyond cervix? You could grab the bowel. No, it's more to the side of cervix. It's one of the tangents to the left of cervix the head bones connected to the cervix though tamale you're sounding like you maybe didn't study for the job you do you're like it's to the left well i'm at the head end now so i don't have to deal with it that often they're like he knows nothing great well sometimes ask

people ask me they're like oh you know can you tell me all about how long it will take to heal? And I was like, yeah, kind of here with the machine. Sorry. Put some Savlon on it? I don't know. Put the radio on for you. Drink lots of water. I feel like that's what some people say. Like that's a solution to everything.

So can you grab a cervix? I mean, if you want anything and you just dream big I'm sure you can do anything or at Beyonce I just want to inspire all the young people out there no it's never really seemed grabbable to me because like to actually have a look at it you need to use a speculum

which is sort of like a it looks a bit like Donald Duck's beak like's a little yes like you can't see it otherwise so you have to physically like move stuff out of the way like crowd control and then and then there it is but like like, yeah, you need specialist apparatus. You couldn't flash it then? No. I mean, probably there's a woman out there in the world who's been born without a special talent.

But like the average human being couldn't flash a cervix. Have you seen one in real life? A cervix? Yeah. I've seen a cervix. Show off. Good for you. Lucky.

All my friends yesterday, when you were doing like ladies' anatomy bit, they were like, he's never seen a vagina except in work. I was like, just shut up. I heard them heckling that. At least in work. I mean, look at James. Can he just come to the ward one day?

I suppose it's not like a kind of like a visitor's thing, is it? It's a walk-in tour. Yeah, sure. Anyone got a speculum? Bring a gay to work day. Bring a gay to work day but either way even if you could you know hypothetically grab it sure it's not a pleasurable thing for a woman to have it grabbed like really painful yeah exactly don't go oh speculum that's not a good thing um it's meant to be really painful so this was part of last night's dinner chat as well like what's it like getting a coil you should come out with your friends you'll you will love it

you're a bad guest this is filthy in the podcast what is it like getting a coil uh so apparently james you don't even know what one was last week you don't even know where it goes that was my next question what is a coil so it's not coil shaped it's not like a spring i used to think it was like a little mini bed spring but it's not at all a bed spring but no it's like a little uh like t-shaped thing that goes up there and what's it do it's a contraceptive yeah no no i know that but how does it contracept so it there's different types one of them's like hormonal um so it kind of stops you having periods and the other one is made of copper which creates a hostile environment god this is getting very technical i feel like we all should have had this chat with tamar like before we went to secondary school like this feels like the sex

ed class we never had hostile environment for sperm that's your nickname isn't it i think about it quite a lot like if i was a girl what contraception would i get and i would you think about that a lot get a job or was a girl what contraception would I get and I would you think about that a lot yeah quite a lot like I definitely get a job or get a more demanding job or what you've got

a really demanding job you just can't have like I've often thought like what would be my birth plan if but I tell people this all the time

and they're like that's kind of weird it's like no it's not like does no one else think of this I've never thought I want to know your birth plan now.

Sometimes I'm like, elective C-section. You're so too posh to put on. Why would you say that? I don't know. You just give off that vibe. My sister says that to me. She's like,

you could never have done labour. Leave me alone. Or maybe you'd go kind of like a home birth. That's what I think. In like a big paddling pool, yeah. So I wouldn't go for a water birth, because I saw one when I was a medical student. I thought beforehand, oh, that sounds great,

like really relaxing, blah, blah. But they don't change the water, so... Between births? Oh, no, between births. Oh, God, I was like, that's rancid. I'm not going in that soup. I'm a minestrone. Oh, God. No one's going to's rancid. I'm not going in that soup. Minestrone. Oh my God.

No one's going to listen to this episode. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I've really lowered the tone. We thought you were just like a wholesome guest. I am wholesome. You make cakes. Minestrone. Because it's not blue.

Like what Tamal's saying isn't like a bit of blue for the daz. What is it? It's like horrible. It just makes people feel uncomfortable. that's what i was going for um yeah so they don't they change the water between births like the nhs isn't that in that much trouble um but like you're in there for a while in labor and anything that emerges before the baby just stays in there they don't change the water they have it's a job for the dad my friend went to a maternity unit

to have a look around and they had like a metal sieve and she sent us all a picture and that's so undermining isn't it get the colander out

my friend was like why is there a sieve why is there a sieve and we were like well think about it like it's metal easily sterilised so yeah

I probably wouldn't go for the water birth fair do but like maybe a yoga hypnobirthing. I'd be up for that. And then I'd be like, give me the epidural. Yeah. Oh, you're such a yummy mummy.

How is it, eh? Baking. Don't judge me. You don't know how I'm feeling. My body's my own if I was a girl. Let's talk nipples. Yeah, always. Obviously, the Duchess's nipples were like

the three inch rivets from the titanic yeah what's the biggest nipple you've seen so i would say nips wise i've never seen that big but i've seen quite big areolas yeah yeah like sort of teacup sized whoa teacup as in like teacups not like like the one that Phoebe has on Friends, that latte cup. It's not the size of her head. And not the one you can go spinning around at Disneyland. No. And just to clarify, because we sometimes get confused, that's not the garlic dip.

That's the surrounding area of... The garlic dip. I once called... What's it called? The areola? Areola, yeah. I called it the aioli. Which I think is a tasty thing you have with tapas yeah that's a dip but teacup is big isn't it yeah teacup's pretty big

and is it kind of like dependent on how big the breast is you wouldn't have like a tiny breast with like a massive teacup i think they're independently of each other i think you can wow yeah so someone's breast could just be a teacup all areola yeah theory probably wow but yeah we're all beautiful so it's fine of course yeah yeah do some boys have massive nips yeah um yeah not defensive at all yeah it's fine yeah a guy i knew once okay um i would suppose so i've not What's the biggest use of it? What was this, nipples top Trump? An eight. I've seen an eight.

No. Well, there's this picture that circulates on Twitter, and I can't tell if it's real, but it's Nick Jonas in the sea. And I don't know if someone's photoshopped it, but he's got massive nips. Can we see it? Okay, I'll dig it out.

I think it's been photoshopped because they are ridiculous. It's quite an odd sort of character assassination. Yeah, who's thinking, I want to take him down. I'm headed to Photoshop in the nipple area. Okay, it's definitely photoshopped, but... You think? I wouldn't say it's... Oh.

You've seen nipples that big? No, I'm just saying, like, theoretically, they could be that big. But then he seems really proud of them. Not that he shouldn't be. Yeah. That's photoshopped, isn't it? That's not real. I think it doesn't matter either way, James.

Do you know what's weird? You can't stop looking at that. You're transfixed. We'll post that on the Instagrams. It's often circulated on Twitter, yeah, by you. It's James' screensaver. So on Monday, we found out that we're going to be flying to Texas to rekindle our romance

with Sir Jim Sterling. Oh, no way. I know. He's back. Yeah. The vole. The vole. Yeah.

A creepy little vole. We say creepy little vole, but sometimes people do tweet us and say, don't be so harsh on the microbeans. Which is true. Yeah, there's quite a lot of body shaming there. Yeah, you're right. And it's not so much that, it's more that the language used around it, like that it nestles in a nest of pubic hair.

That kind of like weird animalistic language is quite unusual. It's not so language used around it, like that it nestles in a nest of pubic hair. That kind of weird animalistic language is quite unusual. It's not so much the size, it's just... It's just how it's described. Hibernating for the winter. Exactly. It's a long winter. I just remember hearing that while just thinking, where is this coming from?

Is this some sort of anti-American thing? Or is it a political allegory? It's definitely not anti-American thing or like is it a political allegory or it's it's it's definitely not anti-american because actually in our book that's going to come out um in October yeah plug um dad does kind of little author notes in there and explains some of the rationale behind his writing okay and he talks about Jim Sterling and and why he was an American specifically. Oh. So you have to buy that book to find out. I like that I'm intrigued. I was about to buy that.

I was going to say, oh, brilliant, I'm going to buy that. Take it really seriously. James very much scan read the book. Signed off. Print. It's a very rocky approach, actually. That was one of the many points, listening to this. I was like, how is this meant to be erotic?

Yeah. That's the biggest question, I think. That's what he struggles with the most isn't it he can you know sketch out characters not well obviously but you know there are characters there and and stuff happens again not a lot but the erotica he really struggles with which is the problem given his um do you know what i've noticed actually should I say what I've heard about tiny penises is massive balls. Massive balls. Massive stones. Yeah, massive stones.

Was Jim described as having massive stones? I can't remember. He's got huge thumbs. I don't know if there's a reason physiologically why that would occur. Has all the testosterone gone to the hands? I don't know. Thumbs are often said to be the testicles of the hands? I don't know. Thumbs are often said to be the testicles of the hands. No, they're not.

Stop saying things. You're a doctor. Thumbs are the testicles of the hands. I'm just going to have to rip up my graduation certificate. Your parents are going to be very disappointed. Oh, God. Your mum's going to be confused because she knew you were coming to this, didn't she? Yeah, I've been doing my best deflecting her her so what is this thing that you're recording oh it's

like online radio you wouldn't understand it it's like don't speak to me like that i was like so is it like that because i recorded something for the guardian and she's like it's like that thing that you recorded for the guardian i was like no definitely not like that and didn't she say is it a science thing yeah she's like is it a science thing? Yeah. She was like, is it a medical thing? Technically, it is. Sort of. It absolutely is. I suppose I'm here in a medical context.

You absolutely are, yeah. Kind of. The last job I'll ever have as a doctor. It's been so nice knowing you. Yeah, thanks. All your future profits can go to, like, feeding me on the streets. Yeah. Well, you'll just have to become part of the gang,

because I'll be nowhere else for you. There's another piece of the female anatomy that we haven't mentioned that Rocky really, really struggles with. Which one? The clit. Oh, the famous clit. The truss. Yeah, he likes a combo. What's his favourite combo?

Titten clit. He also thinks that the clit can be talkative, doesn't he? Talkative clit. Yeah. The location of the clit moves around. Mobile clit. Mobile clit. I mean The location of the clit moves around. Mobile clit. Mobile clit. I mean, that one's not possible.

He describes it as a nub. A nub, yeah. Yeah. I've struggled with the clit tomorrow. Not a sentence I ever thought I'd say to anyone. Oh, God. So once when I was a medical student, I had to put in a catheter.

It's like a little tube that goes up into the bladder to drain the bladder. Bladder chat already. where's this going so i was like it was like towards the beginning of med school and i was trying for a while i couldn't do it so i like called over to the surgical reg i was like yeah it's not working i think there's wrong something wrong with this catheter and he came over to have a look and i was like hang on just sorry is this on a real person yeah it was they were asleep so they're having an operation doesn't make it okay Oh my goodness They were dead So it was fine They'd consented to this

They knew I was going to be Trying to put it in the catheter Why would anyone allow Someone just like Fiddle around down there No no They're asleep They need it for the reparation

Yeah so I was like Yeah there's something wrong With this catheter It's just not working So he came over And had a look And I was like Yeah you're trying to

Put it in the clitoris I was young And it was a confusing bit of anatomy you try to put a catheter in a clip well like obviously you don't get very far because it's not something you can put for good reason

how long were you poking at it before you gave up? a couple of times and then you know you got a call from her and then she woke up from her general anaesthetic and was like

what are you playing at? but I've read like apparently it's quite a common thing with medical students because i've read like there's a few junior doctors books and it's quite a common anecdote that people have yeah yeah if i've heard that story once i've heard it a thousand times oh my god that's hilarious well tomorrow thank you so much for swinging by and educating us all a little bit more about the female anatomy i'll definitely pass it on to rocky my pleasure my pleasure My pleasure. Thanks, Dr. Tamal. We're learning and having fun. That's the best part.

I'm going to be sick. I feel like we definitely need Tamal on SpeedDial, though, for any future queries. Definitely. Do you have a hotline, like a bat phone? I mean, I've got a phone. That'll do. You're like, which I will not give you the number for. Consider yourself stalked.