My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Elijah Wood

Episode Date: July 7, 2016

Hollywood actor (and self-proclaimed MDWAP fan) Elijah Wood chats to the gang about his favourite moments, the movie version and Rocky Flintstone's bright future Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Hi gang and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno and the first footnote of season two. Now for this year we thought we'd do something a little bit different with the footnotes. We thought we'd like invite some guests on the show. Bit of a curveball. Bit of a curveball, A few friends of the show and generally shoot the breeze with people who just love a bit of Belinda and love a bit of filth. I'm here with Alice and James, obviously.

Hello. Good day. Good day. And for our first ever guest, we've got one of the earliest adopters of my dad's work. So early. So early. Freakishly early. I think he read the book before we did the podcast.

And he's also been in a few movies throughout the years. You might have heard of the Lord of the Rings series, Eternals and Shadows of the Spotless Mind, Sin City. Hello, Elijah Wood. Hi, guys. Hello. What are you up to? Where are you right now? I'm in Vancouver, British Columbia in Canada, working on a television series.

Were you reluctant to talk to us today? Because it's your good name that you're basically putting to Belinda Blinked and it's pretty smutty? No, not at all. It is smutty, but it's a certain brand of smut, I think, that is altogether its own thing. It's tragic smut, isn't it? It's tragi-smut. Tragi-smut. Yeah, we're not talking about Fifty Shades of Grey here.

We're talking about Belinda Blinked. Which is better. Very true, because it's really funny and kind of ridiculous. So how far through? Have you completed it or are you kind of partway through? No, I listened to the entire thing. I'm so sorry. No, seriously, it was every Monday that it was released, right?

Yeah. Hashtag porno day. It's into a new episode every single Monday. So you must have been bereft since then. I have been. It has been quite a while since we were on air. So we're really excited about coming back, actually. I'm excited that you're back too.

I can't wait to hear all about the new book. So people will have heard chapter one now of book two. What would you like to hear in the rest of the book? I think I just want more information. Don't we all? Yeah, it's not really continued adventures of Belinda that I'm as interested in. I think I'm more interested in genuinely who she is and what is happening. And also, what is at stake? Because it doesn't seem to be that there are any stakes at all. I mean, the last chapter,

which, you know, obviously so many of us anticipated, you want a sense of resolution of something having happened. I mean, it's not a tall ask, is it for a book? Exactly. And there really wasn't anything satisfying. So that's what I'm looking forward to in book two. And I have a feeling that I'm not going to get that. You're in the wrong place up yeah um but i'm intrigued at the notion that she's traveling i think this is exciting it takes it out of the english countryside and it puts her in international spots which she's going out of her comfort zone very exciting results yeah um we mustn't forget at any point that Jamie's dad wrote this.

Yeah. He did actually ask me because I did tell him that we were talking to you today and he got very excited. Yeah, he said, and this is a direct quote, he said, This is such an honour to have him on our show. Please remind him to stand up straight. So I hope you stood up straight, Elijah. What does it mean? God knows.

But he also said, he asked a question to you, and he said, do you think, Elijah, that Rocky's future could be as bright as Tolkien's? What do you think? Ooh. Um, absolutely. Said with such conviction. Wow, pregnant pause.

Absolutely. Well, he'll. Wow. Pregnant pause. Absolutely. Well, he'll have a different kind of legacy. No less impactful, I think, by indication of how many people listen to this podcast. And if that is an indication of the influence that he's had and the legacy that he will potentially have, then it's looking bright for Rocky Flintstone. It certainly is. He also asked another question, Jamie. What was the other question? He also asked, were you Bilbo or Frodo? I can't quite remember. Incredible. Oh, that's brilliant. My question is, like, how does he feel about the podcast? Because clearly it's making fun of his work.

So does he take it seriously? He thinks that he's kind of working on a level that's above us. Like, he genuinely thinks that we're mocking it, but that we just don't get it. That is incredible. In years to come, he thinks we're going to look back on this and think, wow. We're so embarrassed that we didn't get it and your mum in this in this equation yeah mum poor mum their marriage has never been the same frankly um do you know what she's been really really supportive she just

doesn't want to engage with it in any way so she hasn't listened to it she hasn't read it um but she's very proud of how successful the podcast has been that's great that's great and she's not read she's not read the books at all no no i mean she listened to the first episode because i got my three sisters and my dad and we sat them down to like listen to the first show just to get permission from dad basically yeah um and mum just flounced out with like a bottle of wine and said i'm not listening to this this is disgusting and then as we started to press play i just saw her creeping down the stairs and put her ear against the door i was like mum come in it's fine you can listen um so she's into that one but no more unfortunately i think she needs to understand this side of her of her husband's life and mine

i mean that's you can't turn back once you've done that though can you no and it's i think what's the best thing about it ultimately even from her perspective is that though can you no and it's i think what's the best thing about it ultimately even from her perspective is that he clearly has no real sense of sexuality at all so it's actually kind of harmless because it's so ludicrous and even it's like basic um knowledge of anatomy is is so flawed so i can't imagine it actually being that offensive to her. Cause it's quite sweet and naive. Yeah, there is a naivety. It is very naive.

Yeah, absolutely. Are you saying you've never been aroused by Belinda Blinked, Elijah? No, I've not. But by hanging pomegranates? Cause he does actually have like really,

really passionate fans. And he's even had people starting to write fan fiction of the characters that he's created in Belinda Blinked, if you can believe it. It's a life of its own, you guys. Yeah, it really is. Have you read some of the fan fiction? Not yet. We're thinking of maybe delving into it at some point. Oh no, I think you must.

In that case, we shall. This is what's so great, is he's written this thing in the privacy of his shed, the pavilion. And, you know, essentially sort of working out his dreams of being a writer. You have taken that and shared it with the world. And now there are people who have fallen in love somehow with this character and this world that she's in and are continuing to extrapolate on these themes and ideas. That's incredible. That is the circle of life. I i mean it is incredible in the true sense of the world it

is not credible how has this happened how do you sleep at night jamie it's getting more challenging jane i'm not gonna lie i'm really intrigued to know where you listen when do you listen and where are you when you've got it on most of of the time I listen in my car because each episode is only 30 minutes. So typically when I leave my house, if I'm driving somewhere in Los Angeles, I'll listen to an episode and the drive time will sort of equal the amount of time in the episode. Because people have said to us that they nearly crashed their cars from listening to Blinder Blink. It's so funny. So please do be careful. We cannot be held responsible for the death of Bilbo Baggins.

You didn't actually ever answer that question. So Rocky will never know. I'd kind of love if he doesn't know. I'd rather he not know and be confused. Oh, the mystery. The great mystery. Yeah, I want to know where he gets a lot of his reference points as well. Specifically, his understanding of the female anatomy is very confusing. Yes. Are you talking about cervix gait? Yeah, or a lot of appendages that hang, you know, like... Yeah.

It's never made breasts more unsexy. Plunge, they literally plunge. They just hang as if they were from, you know, 50 to 60-year-old women. I don't understand. It's very confusing. As the only woman in they were from, you know, 50 to 60-year-old women. I don't understand. It's very confusing. As the only woman in the conversation, sometimes they hang, okay? Like, let's just not judge Belinda, all right?

Who knows? Yeah, but not when you're, like, 29 and supposed to be, like, this amazingly beautiful, kind of flawless woman that Dad's created in his mind. Oh, exactly. And also, you know, with the understanding that this is essentially a fantasy, right?

So if you're the writer and you're, you're sort of, you have the ability to write any, any from your mind in the way that you fantasize is what he fantasizes about. Can I just stop you? It's getting a little bit uncomfortable for me. Let's not talk about my dad's fantasies, please.

It's bad enough that I read it every week. Have you spoken to your dad about this? I really haven't, no. There are some things that I'm willing to talk about and other things that I'm just not. Let's role play that one, Elijah. How do you open up that chat? Yeah, I guess you don't.

Dad, pass the gravy. Also, about the chode in chapter seven. But he's listened to every episode of the podcast right oh yeah about a million times he's he i think he's like most of our listenership to be honest i mean he's saying i love him had he always wanted to be a writer from when he was young interestingly i don't think he has although this whole experience has made me kind of look at my dad in a different light and it has made me realize that yeah he isn't just my dad he's a person that's got ambitions and yeah dreams and a creative voice himself so maybe he's always kind

of wanted to be a writer or be creative in some way um so it's just nice that now that he's retired and he's raised his kids he can just be like you know what now it's my turn i'm gonna just write porn it's fine it's his time to shine and we're helping him shine everybody you know when he first sat down in the pavilion and and imagine this character there's no way that he could have imagined that the course that his life would would take his life has been changed he's a celebrity now he is a celebrity but with this kind of amazing anonymity because everybody wants to know what rocky looks like everybody wants to know what rocky sounds like what Everybody wants to know what Rocky sounds like. What do you think he looks like, Elijah? Does he wear glasses?

He does. Well, he actually wears contact lenses but when he's tired he puts on a pair of specs. What do I imagine? I imagine sort of tall, grey hair, speckled, and I think he fancies cardigans.

And I think he smokes a pipe. Any more British stereotypes? Exactly. I've created a very stereotypical British author. He doesn't smoke a pipe that I know of, although in the pavilion, God knows what goes down.

Cardigans, he does like a good woolly jumper, actually. I think it's not far from the truth. The bespeckled, the grey speckled is not wrong. Yeah, that's good. Has he inspired you, Elijah, to maybe pick up a pen and try and write something? No. I actually thought about ordering it on Amazon because you can actually order the book.

You should do that. It's only £1.99. Is it only £1.99? That is sterling. It is literally a bargain. Oh, that's brilliant. Well, I'll contribute to the Rocky Flintstone Fund. I really think you should. Who's the publisher? Like, what's the story about? So he wrote the book,

and then ultimately, he obviously had to have it published. So what's that story? Elijah, he self-published it. He did? Yeah. No one would have actually published it, because that's the thing. You can buy the book, but it isn't an actual physical book. It's only an e-book.

Oh, there must be. There must be a hardback copy. Because if there was a publisher, there would have been some sort of quality control. He finished it. He was like, done. Not even going to check it, upload it to Amazon, done.

Yeah. Wow. Power to him. But to think people would have been deprived of Rocky's voice if self-publishing didn't exist. It's true. It beggars belief.

It's not a world I want to live in, quite frankly. You're absolutely right. This is an incredible literary work that would have gone unnoticed. Oh, come on. Calm down. Does he drink wine while he's writing? Oh, my God. By the truckload.

He is off his tits when he is writing this book. It has to be wine and soaked. It really does. I'd be really concerned if he was sober. Yeah, it's actually covering a multitude of sins, isn't it? The fact that he's drunk. At least he can hide behind a cloud of Chardonnay. I can cling to the fact that it's not really him.

It's just his adult drunk haze. It's all fine. It suddenly makes everything make more sense as well. Yeah, because even one of our favorite moments is when um bella becomes donna right so moments like that you're like maybe he was just pissed yeah it's fine he just forgot exactly and and writers forget writers are people too they are you're allowed to forget you're allowed to just type it up and not read it again and press send that That's okay.

Who proofreads? Who proofreads in this day and age? Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone,

right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you Thank you. zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zen Insurance. Mind your business. So there's obviously been a lot of discussion towards the end of the podcast about this notion of making a film version of it. Absolutely. Yeah, because we kind of wanted to like get your take on it, really, because obviously, you have played one of the most iconic figures in English literature in Frodo. And Belinda is obviously up there with iconic characters in literature too. So what

advice would you have for the actress who would take on the mantle of Belinda? It's like Scarlett O'Hara, take two. God, it really is. Well, it's interesting. The author doesn't really provide a great deal of context. It's open to interpretation, certainly. Opportunities for an actress to imbue the character with whatever she feels. I fantasize about a version of this on film. And I think what's really exciting about it, because there's like two ways you could approach it. One, you could, like any adaptation, take the book and, you know, generally adapt it in a way that it actually makes sense. But I think that the actual approach should be to literally adapt it as it is. Bad punctuation and all. Everything. I just think it would be brilliant if you had real actors

given those words and it would be the funniest, most incredible thing ever. Well, then we've got to talk who? Which actors? That's a good question. Yeah, who do you think could play Belinda? There's a lot of pressure on that role.

God, it really is. What about Jessica Chastain? Whoa! I was sure you were going highbrow with this. this well i think that's the way you make it work and i think that is also where it will be even funnier if you have very serious very good actors uh delivering um ridiculous lines in very strange contexts especially my favorite conversations are actually about the business me too which rocky doesn't really get into with any any degree of detail uh so it's all so unbelievably vague but those conversations are are beautiful because they're they're literally

talking about nothing oh my god he makes talk about nothing into an art form. He really does. It's poetry. It is poetry. And I just, I want to see more than the sexual scenarios, which are very funny, but more than those, the scenarios where he actually tries to sort of legitimize whatever this business is. It's the best.

What do you mean? The pots and pans industry? Oh my God. I feel jess chastain is not a bad show like jamie says it's a big role i don't want to call into question her abilities but do you think that she has it in her oh man it would be a challenge for any actress uh to pull that off has to be someone who's comfortable with nudity as well. This actress is going to be naked a lot. That's true. Oh, that's true.

Yeah, maybe she'd be opposed to that. Maybe an actress from Game of Thrones, they tend to get their kid off quite a lot. Yeah, good show. My concern is that when we find the right Belinda, it's fitting all those other bit players around it. Because say, like, Tony, the MD, I mean, he's quite a guy.

We have talked on the podcast, Elijah, about you taking on the role of Tony. I don't know how you feel about that. Well, actually, the role that I would love to play, it's probably my favorite in the entire book. When they're at the hotel, this is towards the end of the book, and she's at the hotel and there's the man that works the front desk. The youngish man. The youngish man that suddenly does have a name. You are so the youngish man. How did we not think of this? That didn't have a name and suddenly does have a name? You are so The Youngish Man.

How did we not think of this? That is who I want to play. Do you know how to make turkey sandwiches? I do, yeah. I'm pretty adept at turkey sandwiches. So you could be pretty method in this role. For sure. Great, the job's yours.

Well, before you say that, James, nothing's a shoo-in at this stage. I don't want anybody to get complacent, okay? We'll call you. Oh, okay, fine. Look, I'm willing to put myself on tape. I can audition. Who's playing? What about the Duchess?

Well, I'm thinking Dame Judi Dench. We're giving you a highbrow. Wait a second. That's so good. Do you have an in? I don't. She's maybe a little bit old. Okay, maybe. Judi Dench, yeah, she might be a bit. We're looking mid fifth mid to

early 50s i think what about angelina jolie i said that yeah i agree gosh you're taking your life in your hands early to mid 50s wait wait isn't she oh is she she looks great if she's in her 50s i'm looking i'm looking her up i think she's in her late 40s i think she's in her 50s. I'm looking her up. I think she's in her late 40s. I think she's in her late 40s. She looks incredible. Backtrack. Oh, no. She's 41. I take it back.

Oh, God. She was in her 30s two years ago. It wasn't actually the age that I was thinking of. It was more the sort of raw sexuality that I think the character needs. Oh, of course. Yeah. No, we misunderstood.

Yes, of course. She does have power, doesn't she? She does. Yeah, absolutely. It's a bit of a cheeky question, but do you still do auditions at this stage in your career? I do. Yeah. Do you really? I do. You're auditioning right now. I am. I didn't realize it, but I do now. Do you have some like classic awful memories in the early days of some properly cringe auditions? I do. Yeah. I auditioned when I was, God, I must have been nine years old, ten, nine or ten. And I auditioned for, I think it was Kindergarten Cop.

Oh, I love that movie. Great movie. And Ivan Reitman, I believe, directed it. So I auditioned for Ivan Reitman and we read through the scene. And then he looked at me and said quite sternly that he didn't believe me and that I was acting. Which was a very harsh thing to tell a nine-year-old child.

So you shouldn't be able to see that you're acting. Yeah, exactly. He was telling me that i wasn't playing the character with any kind of reality that i was that he could see that i was faking it or something ouch it's kindergarten cop guys i mean calm down did you see the kids that made it in what nine-year-old does meisner jeez as far as the film version is concerned, have you actually thought about maybe shooting a scene? Yeah, we have actually.

You really should. Oh man. Well, look, if I'm ever in London, I would happily join in on whatever that project is. Whatever it is. I love how vague that is. Whatever hot mess that is. Your dreams of playing the youngish man

will come true whichever way you'd like me but i'm begging it elijah we'll think about it a verbal contract is legally binding so uh that's you tied in now thanks elijah that's fine i understand so elijah do you really really think this movie could be made do you think the fact it could be a franchise is going to help its chances of making it in Hollywood. It's a tentpole. Oh, it's a tentpole of its own variety. Yeah, I think, well, look, the industry is very much looking towards franchises these days. They're not interested in making standalone films anymore. So the fact that it has franchise potential is definitely is definitely uh on its side think of the merchandise

oh yeah i mean god pomegranate sex toys i think some some reference to um the pots and pans company as well could be good we really wanted to get on as a footnote maybe further down in the series maybe someone from like le cruzé right what how did you pronounce that le cruzé how do you pronounce it i think it's la crusette babe it ain't it may not be but it's definitely not le cruzé it's french is that how you pronounce it le cruzé oh yeah mate you really kind of la cruzé where are you from sweetheart of got it. La Creuset. Where are you from, sweetheart? You got schooled there by Levine. But is there not an E at the end of the two Ts?

No. Oh. There's one T, for starters. All right, yeah. Alice takes her Le Creuset patterns very seriously. I'm sure you're getting that. Where do you think the Belinda character was drawn from? Well, either way, Le Creuset or La Creusette or whatever.

We'll maybe get them on. I mean, we feel like we need some insight because how true to the pots and pans industry is this? We're only taking Rocky's word for it. Well, exactly. You need a representative from that side to really paint a more accurate picture or confirm that Rocky had actually already created a relatively accurate representation of that world this is true maybe it's all true we could have literally all this time been making fun of him and he could have been really accurate and the joke's on us

do you think he's maybe a whistleblower sexual underbelly of the pots and pans exactly you don't know what goes on he's deep throat don't know what goes on clearly not many meetings and and uh sales representatives that when they're hired or before they're hired they're asked to have sex first was it chapter two or three she'd already been hired and wasn't there like a boardroom that she goes into she's in the office the leather room yeah so like that i found that so interesting and confusing how it went from a business meeting to a leather room that just happens to be in the office every office has one i guess so you've clearly never worked in an office elijah i have not worked in an office we call them a breakout

zone don't we, sometimes, in swanky offices? Just somewhere that you can be creative, be it sexually or with ideas. And it's white clean, so everyone's a winner. Do you know what I mean? Some juices will be flowing, whether they're creative or otherwise.

And the sort of maze thing was also, wasn't that at a fundraiser? For the Asses and Donkeys Trust, it was indeed. The Asses and donkeys trust it wasn't asses and donkeys trust the hell is that it is not a thing it is definitely not a thing what does he imagine that is well what do you think happens to lame asses and donkeys if there's not a trust someone's got to look after them someone does with the youngish man we didn't find out his name for two chapters right that's correct yeah most people he kind of describes them and then

they'll get their introduction at the end of the chapter listen he keeps an air of mystery it's great it keeps you guessing it keeps you hooked he doesn't want to give you everything right away elijah stop bringing up the youngish man. Sorry. I just feel so connected to him. We've said we're going to see some people, okay? Right, all right. I'll send in my tape. Send your tape in.

You're on the shortlist. Drop it. Rockyflintstone at gmail.com. Thank you very much. Your thoughts are going to be so useful for Rocky. I think he's really going to channel a lot of these things. And also for potentially Belinda Blink-Twan, the movie. Oh, fantastic. I hope I've been helpful.

I really think you have. I think producer credit, frankly. Oh, such great insight. Yeah, definitely. Well, some credit. Let's not be bandying around producer credit so early. Early doors. Calm down.

Key grip. It's a way so freely. I know, right? We could charge a fortune for that. So Elijah, if you have any thoughts about anything going forward, we obviously have a direct line to Rocky. So just send them over. I certainly will. Yeah, I'm gonna really be thinking about this. I really think you should. And just mentioned

to Jess Chastain that it's happening. Yeah, for sure. I'll just it's happening. She's she's got the role. So she won it. Oh, she'll want it. Who wouldn't? So Elijah, if there is like one thing that you really want Belinda to get up to in Amsterdam in chapter two, what would it be? Well, I mean, God, Amsterdam is sort of rife with sexuality. I mean, the red light district is, you know, very plentiful in regards to prostitution and live sex shows. I mean, God, there's just so many ways that she could go. I think, I mean, I definitely imagine that she'll probably hire a prostitute in one of those windows and have an experience. I see her potentially going to a live sex show maybe with a client as a way of wooing that client to their particular product. Given the sort of magnetism that Belinda clearly has um i think she'll probably

be asked on stage oh interesting i should see that happening wow well there's only one way to find out if any of that's correct elijah and that is to tune in on monday because it is porno day again fantastic i'll tune in thank you so much elijah for joining us it's been really really fun chatting and discussing my dad's work of genius it's been great it's super surreal for me because you guys have i've been listening to your voices for a long time now so this is great i feel like i know you oh we're all friends now it's all great we're one big happy smutty family until next time until next time. can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the I'm-too-small-for-this mindset hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes.

Zinsurance. Mind your business. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals, and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.