My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Gay 101

Episode Date: October 18, 2018

In this week's Footnotes, the gang take the opportunity to chat all things gay Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello everybody and welcome to my dad wrote porno it's footnotes time we're gonna do something a little bit different uh james the floor is yours well prompted by the rimming at the end of the last episode. Which we don't need to keep talking about. I can't wait to see where this sentence goes. What was prompted after the rimming? Well, we get a lot of tweets saying, oh, I wish Rocky would write a gay sex scene into a man-on-man gay sex scene.

Yeah. And it's like, well, that's never going to happen because he's a 60-year-old straight man writing about male gay sex. Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to happen just to kind of quell people at home. But some people might wonder why he writes about lesbian sex then,

but then that is like a common trope, male fantasy. And also, this isn't lesbian sex. If you talk to any lesbian, they'd be like, this is not what we do. This is highly amusing. We all jump in vats of Nutella. But I thought it was my one opportunity to talk about, well, gay stuff on the podcast and maybe enlighten you two in whatever way I can. Basically, it's your one opportunity

to be the sex expert on the podcast. Yay! Also, you know you're allowed to talk about gay stuff whenever you want. You frequently do. There's no embargo. I think there's nothing

that we don't know after being friends with you for 13 years. As if you always kick me under the table when I try to... Stop talking about that film. So I'm happy to start with a Q&A portion

if you'd like to throw any questions my way or i do sometimes wonder about the um the labels go on well there's lots of genres of gay man that you've sometimes talked about is a smorgasbord of tastes right okay because yeah you're all in like little tribes right there are the tribes of course little nomadic tribes walking around together with spears. So firstly, what would be your type? What would the label be for your type? Who are you? For me?

What are you? What am I? Okay, yeah, what are you? I guess I would be an otter. An otter. Otter. Maybe? Because you build dams.

Massive front teeth otters are that's a beaver oh shit it is and they're not in the group i'm sure there's a beaver somewhere i know that's the other side beavers are banned so otters are lean mean the hottest of the tribe. With the quickest wits. No, otters are lean, hairy men. Not that I'm like, I'm not like super hairy, but I've got, I've got a few hairs on the chest.

You've got stubble. So that's what an otter is, I think. I think that's all that defines them. Okay. So what else hangs around with the otters? What else hangs around with the otters? Well, don't the tribes tend to stick together? So you've got bears.

You tell us. You're supposed to be educating us. Oh, God. We're going to get so many tweets and letters. I can just already feel it. Well, that's nothing new. There's bears, and they all tend to hang out together. Yes, because we have a friend who's a bear.

We do. And a lot of his friends are also bears. Is that a thing? Because it isn't just that one tribe is attracted to other members of their tribe, they kind of hang out with their tribe as well as it's survival jamie it's basic human survival i love how we're talking about this like it's the only way that gay guys categorize themselves okay so there's another thing within the bear community like what's a young bear called? Oh, a cub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that would make sense. Yeah.

Logical. Yeah, they're just younger bears. Are they smaller in size or? They're, no, no. Yeah, they are. I think they're a bit more compact. More compact, yeah. But still a bit chunky.

Right. Right. Are they fluffier? More downier, yeah. Lots of downier fur. Okay. And a bear is older and bigger? I think so.

Right. I think you have to be, what, over 30 to be a bear? I would still think that was a cub. Yeah. Do you know anything of what you speak? Well, this is why I'm, like, a bit not sure. Anyway, right. You called this meeting.

I've heard a new one recently. I want you to guess. What's a twonk? A pardon? A twonk. A twink. A twonk. Twonk. A twonk. A pardon? A twonk. A twink. A twonk. Twonk.

A twonk. I think it's part hunk. Yes. Part twerp. A little nitwit. Half hunk, half tit. I think it's a really stupid hunk. No, it's a twink and a hunk.

So it's like a twinky guy which is like normally like skinny, hairless, completely hairless. Entirely hairless. Entirely hairless. No, they've got hair on their head. Okay.

But no eyebrows. But muscly. So it's a twink and a hunk. So that's when a twink and a hunk have had sex and made a baby. No, it didn't come out as a little muscly baby. So a young looking muscle man. I guess so, yeah. Right.

What an unusual combination. Like I think Zac Efron's a tw I guess so, yeah. Right. What's an unusual combination? Like I think Zac Efron's a twunk. Oh, right. Okay. Or he's full on jock now. I think Zac Efron's like a full on jock. Oh my God, there's so many. So how's a jock different?

Just a bit older. No, no, I can't be older. So a jock is a bear aged twunk. Yes. Wow. How do you get any work done? And a twunk is a cub-aged muscle twink For God's sake Oh God, it's a minefield

It is, isn't it? How do you find any time to snog and stuff? We're just trying to figure out what each other is Exactly So are you attracted to otters then? Timmy, I welcome all sorts You're a very broad church Okay I'm a very broad church. Okay.

I'm a very broad church. I wouldn't say I have a type. You do. You know what your type is. I know. I hate when you say this. I know what you're going to say. Well, I was going to say European twunks.

Oh, I wouldn't say no to a European twunk. Do you know what I mean? Southern European, specifically. Southern European twunks. We're talking Spanish, Italian. Bilingual. No, actually, no, not even bilingual. You don't mind, do you?

I think he prefers them if they don't speak any English, actually. It's not true. And what about the category? There are older guys, aren't there? Daddies. Daddies. Yeah, which people keep telling me I'm swiftly drifting into. What?

Because I'm getting, like, grey hairs on the side. The salt and pepper makes you a daddy. You're a daddy otter. I'm a daddy otter? Oh, my God. I don't want to be a daddy. No, I don't think you're a daddy. Don't daddies have a harem?

I don't know about that, but, like, daddies are often associated with paying for their younger boyfriends. Oh, not you, then. Not me. You can pay half. What's that called? A very tight daddy.

So, just so we can understand them a little bit better, like, who would characters in the books be if they were gay? Oh. Because I would imagine that Grigor Kolansky, he'd be a bear, right? Because he's quite big and hairy and grizzly. Peter Russell would be a twunk. Maybe he's a bit too old to be a twunk.

A jock. A jock, yeah. Okay. Because isn't he supposed to be quite muscly? Yeah, I think he is quite ripped. Jim Sterling would be a chub. Is that one? Jim Sterling would be a chub. Is that one? Jim Sterling would be a mutant.

Chub is bigger guys, basically. Okay, but not bad. So bigger but not hairy? Maybe. Ah, okay. Yes. And then would we say that Sam, the youngish manager... He's a twink, surely.

I think he might be a trunk. A trunk. Who, sorry? Sam. Because I imagine that Butch the Sunbird, he'd be a twink, sorry sam because i imagine that um butch the sunburn could he'd be a twink i think yes because skinny tanned blonde yes very quite young vile i hate that so maybe sam would be a a trink what is what was a trink what is wrong with you what was it a trump oh my god that's what jim sterling is. Jim Sterling's a Trump.

A twonk, a twonk, a twonk. Sorry. Hang on, I'm just going to see if there's any more. We've lost James to a page called gay men colon. Are you a wolf? What's a wolf? A wolf is lean and muscular, semi hairy. Oh.

Maybe you're a wolf. No, I'm not muscular. You are. I'm doughy at best. Do they have doughy on here? Does it say underbaked? What's a pup what's that um slender no hair young think joe jonas energetic cute and naive i didn't know they had character traits well that's very confusing what if you've got the body of a bear but the mind of a twunk okay so i'm glad we've got the language locked down you can now go to a gay bar

and just order what you like okay without a picture menu anything else anything any other you know burning questions you've always wanted to ask um yeah so like with when you're having anal set yes jamie interesting this is what you've always wanted to ask it could be for both of you really i don't know um what you're into but um there's the whole like douching thing right douching yeah which is important cleaning out it's like cleaning the flat before you have visitors right so if you're a bottom per se not saying you are or not james we don't know we've talked about it before not i'm not gonna tell you but he'll never tell us never tell you to his. And we just ask one of the many, many, many, many he's dated. But yeah, a device that like shoots a bit of water up there,

clears you out, gets you nice and sparkling clean and gets you on your way. Because otherwise there could be... Debris. For want of a better word, Alice, yes. Hazardous material. Okay, good. Do you tend to douche with the other person there?

Yeah, or do you prepare it before, ahead of time? I imagine. Kind of like a lasagna. Yeah, you wouldn't start a lasagna from scratch when they arrive. Madness. But you wouldn't do it together. Well, I mean, like, if you were in the shower with the other person, is it like, oh, we'll like do this now?

I think it would take the sexiness out of it. It's not sexy. No. It's more functional. So, sorry. Do you mean you're having a little clean out so that if John's been up there, there's no trace of him so that Paul's not getting a shock? No.

What do you mean? It's been stuck up there for ages. Well, I don't know how often you're having guests for lasagna. No, no, no. Like, you know. Oh. Yeah. Oh, other matter. Other matter. Okay other matter okay fine sorry i'm being really slow okay yeah no i've got it got it yeah because sometimes i think people don't know mainly straight boys but obviously when a straight couple have vaginal sex the the stuff like doesn't just get like

reabsorbed into your body what comes in must come out well precisely where does it go would you what do you mean where does it go like your body's not like, oh, great, this is going to make us strong. And it just, like, absorbs it into your blood. Fertiliser. Yeah, it doesn't make your hair grow. What? You have to get it out. What are you talking about?

Of course you do. And so would you, presumably. Well, safe sex. I, you know, safe sex is important. Okay. Put a condom on everyone. Oh, my God, did I just give, like, safe sex advice? That is unbelievable. What is? But how do you get my God, did I just give like safe sex advice? That is unbelievable.

What is? But how do you get it out? Do you get like a spoon? Oh my God. It just sort of like comes out, but... It just comes out. It comes in. It just falls out.

What do you think it is? What do you mean falls out? Yeah, it does just... Dribble out. Trickle out, yeah. That blows my mind. I thought it went in somewhere. You can kind of get it out, like using your muscles.

Like wringing out a J-cloth. Fucking hell. You can obviously help it on its way. I thought it just went in somewhere, like it went further in and then just kind of... Or into a pouch that you then disposed of. And then just like absorbed it like a cream, like absorbed into the body. James, this is supposed to be us learning about gay sex it's not the other way around yet again sorry but you're welcome for that info so the douche thing is that like an implement oh we're going back to do you

can buy from costco like what like what costco is that where you get all of your sexual is it like an implement or is it just like a shower head like what's the deal when have you ever been to a costco in your whole life why are you buying in bulk? Why are you buying 25 of them? I'm just trying to make us sound more international. Because it's like, Americans shop at Costco and shit. I think you get them from pharmacies and things like that. So it is a real thing that you have to kind of get? Yeah, I think it's like a...

A nozzle? There's a nozzle on the end and it's like a... Like a giant pipette? Essentially, yeah. Right. And you just squirt it up there. Flush yourself out. Flush yourself out.

Oh, well, I'm glad you're doing that. Good. Just to say at this point, by the way, I'm by no means the expert. That much is becoming clear to us. Just do not see this as like a comprehensive overview. So that's gay culture. I don't feel like the expert at all, but fuck it.

We'll just call you Harvey Milk from now on. Have you guys heard of gold star gays? Ooh, this rings a bell. You're a gold star gay if you've never been with a woman. Never had vaginal sex. I don't like the hand. You just have a weird little jazz hand. It's so ridiculous, the name.

Have you heard platinum star gay? What's that? Caesarean section gay. So you've never actually been near a vagina. That's brilliant. Came out the sunroof. So that's when your purer's driven snow.

Exactly. Platinum star gay. What can you get beyond that? I think maybe platinum's the top. Yeah. I was about to say test tube but completely misunderstanding

that a test tube baby isn't grown in the test tube. Or maybe Jesus. Yeah, divine conception probably. So you're gold star? I'm gold star gay. Wait,

you had that girlfriend though. Who? Who was that girlfriend at school? You got married to her, didn gold star? I'm gold star gay. Wait, you had that girlfriend though? Who? Who was that girlfriend at school? You got married to her, didn't you? I've never heard of this. Didn't you have a girlfriend you got married to at primary school? What on earth are you talking about? At primary school.

We all got married at primary school. Hello, Elspeth, if you're listening. You got married to Elspeth? I did, yeah. Do you know where she is now? She was in Belgium. She sounds like she originally lived in Belgium. She fled the country.

Was it a happy marriage or um it was lovely it lasted a summer oh wonderful for primary school that's forever I know right it's like ruby anniversary there's one more thing I wanted to ask you about that I can't quite unsee do you remember that night in the pub with a former footnotes guest yes I do remember this rather drunken dinner yeah and we looked at that well it was a it was a gif oh yeah really we're going to talk about this of a rosebud blooming right okay yeah i don't mean the flower this is a very very very very very very very niche yeah i'd say there's a very small target market for this and it's not a gay thing. You straights do it too. But rosebud, yeah. So that's where the anus prolapses.

Right. And then you lick it. That honestly is really... You told me people kiss it. We Googled pictures, didn't we? I don't know if I want to Google rosebud. Can we not? We lived it once.

And honestly, I'm surprised we weren't ejected from that pub. Wait, so remind me who enjoys that? The Rosebud-y or the Rosebud-er? I imagine it's a very like specific fetish, but you've both got to be on board with it, right? I mean, as the Rosebud-y. Yes. Which one's the one who's putting it out?

I don't know. The Bud-er or the Bud-ee? I think the Bud-ee has the rosebud and the Badee is... Licks the rosebud. Yeah, or kisses the rosebud. Okay. Alice is trying to find some semblance of romance in this whole... Like a kiss from a rosebud.

Oh, it's honestly not my thing. Yeah. No judgment, but you know... Of course not. I just... It's not... Do not try it at home. It is not safe. Well, that's the thing that really kind of jumped out about it,

was that it just, literally, it just didn't seem at all safe. Like, how do you recover from such a thing? How do you get it back in? Yeah. But surely you're kissing the rosebud after it's happened anyway. You're not deliberately prolapsing the situation just to kiss it i think i think some people do don't you just call somebody up and be like it's prolapsed

get over here get your kissing lips on no matter what mood you're in is that ovulating i'm prolapsing now get back home is it like an eclipse is there a very small window and then i think after time some people can control it so can decide when they want to push it all out. Wow. I mean, okay. I've gone a bit lightheaded. I just want to clarify, though, that this isn't mainstream gay culture we're talking about here. This isn't entry level, as it were.

No, no, no. This is advanced. It's a kink. It's a niche. Right. And if you would like to learn more, just visit the Google website. On a non-work computer. Well, I think we've learned quite a lot there, James.

Thank you. Do you feel more enlightened, Alice? I feel, I mean, I've made notes. I'll be referring to them. Thank you so much for opening up my world. You're welcome. You can go down the street now like otter, twink, twunk. Rosebud.