My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Helga's Case Files

Episode Date: September 13, 2018

Jamie, James and Alice open Helga's FBI case files on her fieldwork in Amsterdam. The problem is, they're written by Rocky. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, The Footnotes. Now this week there has been the most almighty revelation. Yes, Helga. Helga. And in tribute, Alice is once again dressed as her. Well actually no, because I don't think this is as woolly as I usually get. I suppose it is quite woolly, isn't it? It's pretty much the thickest.

It's pilling. It's got more form than you usually wear. Normally it's just a bit of a sack. A lump and sack. This is quite structured thank you thank you so much looking great um yeah Helga was revealed to be FBI yeah the thing that shocked me is he's gone for a world which I mean I know he's into James Bond and stuff and spies and stuff but he's gone for a world which I would have thought Rocky wouldn't know

an awful lot about which is the FBI it's CIA and know is that kind of stuff that he's aware of do you feel like he watches a lot of american cop kind of dramas he does yeah he likes the rockwood files that's how he got his name oh sorry any um contemporary american cop dramas god no of course not well we know he likes risolian isles because his initial plan for belinda was jane risoli yeah so he lives a bit of ncis, Rizzoli and Isles. Can we all stop saying Rizzoli and Isles? Can that be put in the swear jar? Well, dad obviously has gone slightly deeper into this world

because amongst all of the crap that he sends me, he sent me Helga's FBI case files. Sorry, what? Sorry. Helga's FBI case files. Sorry, what? Sorry, so he's created a classified document that what supposedly she's written, or it's written about her. She's written, this is what she sent back to Washington. She's going to kill James.

Yeah, so, shall I read it? I'm just interested to know, when he sends you this stuff, which I know he does on the regular, how is he teeing it up? What else does it say in the email? Well, this email subject just said classified. That's how they encrypt things. So were you not supposed to read it? Well, I thought I'd take the chances, you know.

If I've got a red dot on my face, then you'll know I made the wrong decision what i love is do you remember when we read the cv of belinda yes that's quite a common template like a lot of people know how to write a cv yeah and yet the formatting was so bonkers yeah where is he getting the reference to write an fbi case file is that a template that's available on word i think it's just under invitations i'm so confused that i'm struggling to understand exactly what it would include yeah i don't really so this is her findings kind of it kind of it's her dear diary yes precisely dear diary to the fbi director sure oh right oh god oh that's so many questions. Oh, my God. This is so brilliant. Okay. So, potentially, Jim Comey received these five.

Maybe this is why Trump fired him. To keep the cover up on the pots and pans industry going. Oh, my God. It wasn't Russia at all. Oh, my God. This is hot material. There's collusion in Le Creuset. Or at least steals pots and pans.

Oh, my God. I know. Go on, then. Delve in. And don't miss out a single thing. Okay, but just before I start, you have to know this is classified. Okay. Okay, well, I think as long as everybody agrees that it doesn't go anywhere else.

We can't talk about it outside of this room. Yeah, we shouldn't record this. I would just say I think everybody listening has to agree to not talk about it, unless they're with other personnel that have, you know, top level clearance. I think that's fair. So it starts with the header header united states department of justice already so subtle the next line is federal bureau of investigation yeah i would hazard that these two lines are probably in font size 15 or 16 right yes quite large quite bold and then we go quite a jump down to i'd say

an 11 or 12 with field office local attaches semicolon amsterdam oh okay he's already using words which i would say are quite spiey like an attache yeah Exactly. It's good. Good lingo. We're back to, like, size 15. Oh, we're jumping around with the big poster fonts. And this is in italics as well. Okay, great. Classification, semicolon, confidential. I thought it was classified. Well, it's now confidential.

It's been downgraded whilst in transit. Please don't tell anyone. But also, if you do tell someone, just ask them to's now confidential. It's been downgraded whilst in transit. Please don't tell anyone. But also if you do tell someone, just ask them to keep it confidential. Afterwards, just say, shh. And do a little pinky promise. Do a pinky promise. Make friends, make friends, never never break friends. Then we have a bit of a jump.

And then it says case file number 76 AM 18. Wow. So it's only number 76 AM 18. Wow, so it's only number 76. You'd think it would be like 10752983. I think this is all one kind of number and characters. Sure, but I mean, still only about six characters total. One of the early cases for the FBI. One of their first. You might say an establishing case. Activity classification.

76. Escaped federal prisoner. What? Eh? Subject. Robbins, comma. Pietre,

comma. Doctor, comma. Nationality. American. Dr. Robbins? Yeah. And he's what,

an escaped federal prisoner? Yeah. Dr. Robbins is a. And he's what, an escaped federal prisoner? Yeah. Dr. Robbins is a fugitive. Crime. Fraud against USA Army units of the Rhine. What? Of the Rhine? Like the German Rhine, like the river?

Yeah, I guess. Copy to Director, FBI, Washington DC. Agent, Helga Jonker. Jonker. We didn't.C. Agent, Helga Jonker. Jonker. We didn't know her last name. Helga Jonker. Great name. Jonker's good, isn't it?

Date, 07-07-2003. Right, hang on. Do you think when he goes on these tangents, like, he doesn't really worry about the storyline he's created in Belinda Blink? Like, it seems like he's, A, going on a different time. B, he's suggesting that Dr. Robbins is some sort of escaped prisoner. Wait, but is he saying that she's just been an agent since 2003? Yeah, I think this is something that she sent way back when she first started, maybe.

This is an old case file from 2003. This is when she registered this information. Yes, I imagine so. And Dr. Robbins was the subject of her investigation. Yes, so I guess that's how she got into... His office. Holland, yeah. Because she wasn't directly investigating what's going on with the special one, right?

Yes. So this confirms what we kind of suspected when we read the chapters, that she kind of discovered the special one on the side while she was investigating Dr. Robbins. Right. Which makes sense because when she was talking to belinda over the cubicle she was saying this is not really my area yeah this is too hot for me it's too hot to do with me this is too hot to handle okay so synopsis and also can i just say 2003 that might have meant that robert muller was the fbi director also wordly topical synopsisis. He loves his American politics.

Oh he does, isn't he? Any excuse. Dr. Pietre Robbins is Purchasing Director of Rouse Supermarkets based in Amsterdam. He is my immediate boss in this organisation. My role in this organisation

is part of my deep cover in Europe as it is through it I have uncovered this extraordinary crime she's not very good at writing reports is she

she's under pressure she's fighting at speed probably probably in a little cubby if I was the director of the FBI I'd be like I have literally no idea what she's doing

I can't make head nor tail of this but do you think they're like nobody else wants to do this posting so just go with it would it also go directly to the director of the fbi i feel like there's kind of a chain of command yeah do you think this was a shit job for like do you think this was a job no one wanted to do oh for sure yeah because i'm guessing she's just following some stolen shipment of oven gloves and normally it'd be like terrorists serial serial killers, that sort of thing. Well, we don't know what it is actually yet, to be fair,

because the activity classification was escaped federal prisoner. Escaped federal prisoner. In his job as purchasing director, Dr Robbins receives many approaches for the supply of goods. These pass through my office. The offer of 10 million cans of tinned beans from the USA Army of the Rhine was my first piece of incriminating evidence.

Dr. Robbins signed the purchase order and the goods were duly shipped to the Ralph's supermarket chain over a period of two years. Right. I have been unable to discover where the payments have arrived. Shit spy. That's your job. Further investigation of Dr. Robbins has

meanwhile unearthed an uncanny likeness to an escaped federal prisoner from the US Army of the Rhine. What is the US Army of the Rhine. What is the US Army of the Rhine? A. Also, fuck. So this is a whole dynamic that was at play that we didn't even know about. Sorry, he just resembles an escaped prisoner. He isn't the escaped prisoner.

He's just got an awful likeness. But also, if there is an escaped prisoner from the US Army of the Rhine, that's a really good thing to put in the books yeah why are these things just so liberally thrown around on email under classified just to go back to the first point what is the u.s army of the rhine exactly this prisoner was named wayne burt what a beautiful name for your baby boy he's the most gorgeous thing i've ever seen we'll call him wayne burt this prisoner was named wayne burt and he worked in the quartermaster section he was waiting transportation back to the us on fraud charges when he escaped just over 12 years ago.

This is so brilliant. This is so brilliantly batshit. My investigations are still at an early stage and are thus inconclusive. What a long way to say I found nothing out. I also love inconclusion. They're inconclusive. And then we have Washington DC action request. So this is from the FBI director. This is from Muller.

No, sorry. So it's not. It's all from the mad mind of your dad. So the Washington DC action request. Continue investigating Dr. Robbins slash Wayne Burt. Wayne Burt! Wayne Burt better appear in the books, otherwise I quit. Investigate the Wayne Burt fraud case and evidence against him.

Send the information to our fraud section regarding the payments for the tinned beans how can you write that with a straight face so what's happened with the beans he's ordered loads of beans but they've not got the receipts I think they're smuggling beans but over two years 10,000 cans of beans seems like 10 million 10 million how'd you smuggle 10 million cans of beans very very slowly that's I love beans that's a dream i'd help with that smuggling operation and then this this then there's a lot of white oh my god it's like 10 pages worth and then right at the bottom it just says pto oh you can't really do that on a digital document can you and then we have another case file oh god oh god i can't take it this one is case file number 295 hyphen am hyphen 104 this it's progressed quite a long

way it really has i think i know this one off by heart all together now 276 dash am activity classification 295 intellectual property rights. Already so fun. Subject. Bish. Wolfgang. Nationality. East German. Not a nationality.

East German. Crime. Fraud. They're all at it. I know. Zone of operation. Europe. Copy 2.

Director FBI, Washington DC. Agent Helga Jonker. 12-07-2014. Oh, so 11 years have passed. Synopsis. Wolfgang Bisch is Chief Executive Officer of the private company Bisch Herstalung, based in East Berlin. The company is a worldwide metal fabricator specialising in cookware. They are currently a major supplier to the European, North American, Australian and Middle East territories. Whilst Bisch have major research and development facilities, new technology developed by a smaller UK competitor known as Steels, Pots and Pans may potentially threaten their dominant position

in all marketplaces. Why does she care? It's pretty serious though. Corporate espionage is a thing and there are heavy penalties. I actually Googled it today. Really? I really did.

Go on then. In the US, you can get up to 20 years in prison. 20 years or a $5 million fine. For doing what? For hiring a spy to gather intelligence, intellectual property on another... Fuck off, really? But the other day I said to you in the car, oh, out of interest, have you got any good ideas for a game?

And you said, yeah. and then i'm doing it on the radio tomorrow then expect a letter a cease and desist so it's about the new technology that steels have developed which is the trioxybrillo so she goes on to say hair bish is aware of this technological breakthrough and it is my belief he has already taken action to procure the blueprints and processes from Steeles. Blueprints? So stupid. I have already made contact with a senior Steeles executive

and I shall continue to monitor and report back on Bish's progress with this intellectual property theft. So three years ago, who did she make contact with? Belinda. She must have written this either the day after or literally in the toilets. Oh my God. That wasn't 2014. Of course it was.

We had a funny fucking idea when this was set. Oh my God. So hang on. Never a truer word spoken. Why are we trying to find logic? hang on what was the date 12th of july 2014 um yeah presumably did it say recently or like yesterday or did it say i'm trying to it doesn't specify i'm trying to work out exactly when tony and giselle's wedding anniversary is why do you want to get them something yeah i feel like we should it's only right i mean a lot of

people will be thrilled that there's a revelation that this is even 21st century i know this is giving us a lot yeah it would have been great if some of this was in the black i know this is actual good shit well but why are we bothered about anything belinda's doing in comparison to this i feel like i know you called it belinda blinked but please don't feel wed to having to follow her story if something much more interesting is going on adjacent. Can we reformat the show where we just read a case file every week? Isn't there a show called Case File? Oh my God, we could be serial, but for like pots and pans espionage.

The only true crime here is the fact that my own dad wrote porn. Washington DC, action request. Permission to casually inform steals. Casually. So what would you be like? Dave, Bush is a threat. All right, later. Try and steal the blueprints, yep.

No, I think this is right. That's her telling Belinda. That's the casual. Yes. Because it was in the loo. She sent this case file between Belinda meeting her in Holland and the wedding. So she's just heard back from, I guess by now, James Comey to say that you can casually inform to just meet her in a toilet. So that flips the timeline slightly, which means the wedding hasn't quite happened yet. Not yet.

But it was sometime in July of 2014. Yeah, probably. Okay. slightly which means the wedding hasn't quite happened yet not yet but it was sometime in july of 2014 yeah probably okay however continue policy of ensuring blumenthal is unaware of our second reactions the beans the 11 year bean saga but wait we know she likes beans who belinda yeah yeah the eggs and beans the tennis match oh. Oh my God. She loves a turkey sandwich and a baked bean. I don't think that's any coincidence. And then when does the PTO come?

There is no PTO. There's no PTO. Finished. No more information. So there you go. Bloody hell. Two case files. That's all we get.

For what? 12 years work? 15 years work? She's done two, she's done two reports? No wonder she's getting involved in fucking steel she's bored shitless I'd be a bit like

didn't we have someone in the field out there oh shit Helga go check in with her my mum came in in 2014 she's like who the bloody hell

is Helga Jonker she's dead we'd literally informed her family that she wasn't coming home oh god yeah I mean enlightening but also really kind of boring as well I don't know you know like that she wasn't coming home. Oh God, yeah.

I mean, enlightening, but also really kind of boring as well. I don't know, you know, like one of the most interesting things I think Rocky's written, if I may. And actually, look, I'm going to hold my hands up. The more this progresses, the more I'm like...

No. James, you're on tape. You are being recorded. He's a Rocky Flintstone apologist and I can't stand it well the more I'm like he's got his shit together and like

things are really starting to tie up and yeah but it still makes no sense like he started down so low

that he could only go up to be fair I love you dad but come on maybe you're right it has been it's been a long day it has been a long day

and a long year and a long life I think it's time for me to call it a day so we will see you next week for chapter four It's been a long day, James. It has been a long day and a long year and a long life. I think it's time for me to call it a day. So we will see you next week for chapter four. Will we find out who the special one is? Probably not with a title like Sakurai's Magic Wand. Such a pessimist.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.