My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: In Memoriam

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Jamie, James and Alice gather to read your memories and tributes to Bella, now that her fate is uncertain after the explosion. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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We are gathered here today in memory of Bella Ridley. How are you guys? I'm great, yeah. Good. How are you? Well, what do you want me to say? I think she had a good innings. She was 23. Actually, how old is she? We don't know her age. say i think she had a good innings like she was 23 actually how old is she we don't know her age oh yeah that is a good point she died as she lived being

well annoying alice i don't think you reflect the views of the world there's a lot of people upset i'm joking i'm being glib i'm trying to hide my emotion with you i'm just i I'm just, I, people deal with it in different ways. She might not even be dead, but let's just park that for now and pretend that she is. Well, he also killed off Dick Van Dyke, lest we forget. By accident, we presume. I don't think that was a vendetta. You just assume that a 90-odd-year-old person wasn't with us anymore, which is kind of fair. That caused ripples, though, didn't it?

It did. And someone made the point, you know, if this book was written around the time of podcast one, then he thinks Dick Van Dyke's been dead since 2015. Oh yeah. Why has he been thinking about it so much? People have been obviously wanting to pay their respects and the tributes have been flooding in. This is so weird.

I'm going to start with William Gordon, who's written a Belleropoem. G for gin, T for tonic your voice was truly demonic while i'd rather be shot than hear your voice sounds like something you'd write for a bosom gal pal there's no better choice and even though alice doesn't give a shit you're always in our hearts you absolute half wit that is beautiful isn't it and in many eulogies you get the word shit used there's another poem here actually um from saul all the way from cape town in south africa uh he wants us to come and do a live show there anytime saul you

sort it out we'll be there it's really the logistics that hold us back Saul Bella the girl who got fingered by many a fella her voice wasn't great but her tits did shake what she lacked for in class she made up with her tight ass rhythm needs work she was a valued member of cock she really did rock I hope she has a lot of fun

what an unusual Stanislaus style a lot of fun where? unusual style a lot of fun where in heaven it does sound like a party to be fair sometimes it's the emotion that comes through rather than the writing abilities and you know isn't just these lovely uh sentiments people are kind of sharing their memories of Bella what they are going to remember for for years to come reminiscing which is actually you know a lot of people always say they want their funeral to be a celebration of their life.

Yes. Not a kind of dwelling on their really quite gruesome death. P.K. Wells has said, my favourite memory is when they visited Forsters of Knightsbridge and she ate two bacon sandwiches and drank four bottles of champagne while spending about two months' salary

on a horse riding outfit that she neither needed nor wanted. Oh, classic Bella. That sums Bella up to a T. Who's going to inherit the horse-riding outfit? Yeah, surely Belinda. That'll be left to her. When they sell her estate, you know, when they sell all of their belongings, that's all she's going to own.

How could she afford anything else? Yeah, that and a box of Special J. I think that's all she's got. I like to think that maybe that horse-riding outfit will one day find itself in a planet hollywood or something on a mannequin yeah or just behind the reception this is nice from lissia her overriding memory of bella will always be this bella wearing a wedding dress as a guest at giselle's wedding who else could get away with it she was was always so thoughtless, wasn't she? Yeah, so incredibly thoughtless. So very, very thoughtless. Nazneen has said, RIP Bella, may she have an unlimited supply of gooseberry yogurt with papaya slivers

along with all the champagne and all the cocos she could ever desire. That's rather lovely. Red Jonk says, my favourite memory is probably the first time she got her distinct voice when she went from being a forgettable extra to being absolutely unforgettable in an instant more a nod to you jamie than to the woman herself thank you so much um i feel like i really have helped create the character of bella it's like it's been a bit of teamwork me and dad you know a bit weird maybe but his words your gall Lindsay said she remembers that moment she was Donna and will be forever in her heart will that be on the other side of the tombstone just in case it's a flip around um Matthew said my favorite memory is when she thought she was

getting fired because of the faulty key cards oh yeah key cards got a lot of airtime, didn't they? Can you imagine that being the sum of your life? This is quite a good one. It takes us back to happier times. Moana says, RIP Bella. May we never forget that time she stood alone in the cafeteria and sang Christmas carols. A true icon of buffoonery and independence. I'm warming to her in her absence, actually. It's like Cookie who says,

always the friend that's a little too drunk and not in on the joke. R.I.P. beautiful. Beautiful! Claire's of the opinion that she'll open one eye and screech, got ya! You all thought I was dead. But how long after the event

haven't they all left the scene of the crime that's why these have bells next to gravestones wasn't it but not because it was a joke because they mistakenly thought they were dead just loads of people doing a psyche psych uh nick has said it's not a memory but he cannot wait for ghost bella to make an appearance later in the book oh my god can you imagine her ghost voice i, Belinda's got a direct line to God, so you would think that she could pull some strings. Yeah, get her a special seat. Yeah, or at least an en suite up there.

I mean, Melissa makes a good point. She says, despite being a total wreckhead and being, well, Bella, she's actually a very conscientious employee. She worries about the key cards, as I mentioned, doesn't want to disappoint Belinda, and even sees Giselle's hen do as an opportunity to improve her Spanish. So actually, maybe she does have more to her than just, you know.

I mean, I'll give you today, but after that, we are not canonising Bella. Alana's really thrown it back. She remembers the first time bella met belinda and told her the importance of a straight thong and showed her of course very first time and i wonder how many people she inspired to straighten their thong from that day forward yeah i haven't seen a wonky one since i really haven't much like live who can't see a london bus without thinking of bella's wonderful analogy with them and penises. You know, she really has changed the zeitgeist. Oh yeah. Adam was as hung as a red London bus. That is a good one. Someone is questioning whether dad will actually kill her because Elmira says,

I'm with Alice. I don't think Rocky would kill her. She's too beloved. We all need someone to look up to and any aspiring millennial needs proof that you can be promoted to a key account manager from a measly receptionist position. I think Elmira's taking my words and twisting them. I don't think I ever said

anything that complimentary. I forgot she used to be the receptionist. It's quite the rise actually when you think about it. She's had the most character development dare I say?

Not character development but you know employment development. Ill-advised promotions. Keith who I presume is sobbing as he types this says i have to admit to a fondness for bella describing her encounter with sir james godwin after her jaunt with clarence and the duchess after the maze with the line of course he had a quick fumble of my tits and clear and he says well i mean of course

he did who wouldn't who wouldn't indeed alice come on bella's great i'm gonna miss her i'm really gonna miss her you I think out of all of us James I think you have the most affinity with her you've often said that she'd be one of your actual friends if if she existed I just think she'd be fun on a night out she's an absolute hag and she'd just be a good laugh she's totally herself like yeah makes no apologies for her behavior she's just like you know this is me take me or leave me i mean i feel like jamie could apologize for her on one or two occasions i don't have issue with her on the page i cannot stress that enough i have very little issue with her on the page

she's not the brightest button in the box no of course she's not she's never claimed to be though no exactly yeah she uses what she's given to her strength and look at the difference she's made in the world yeah if we could even make an ounce of the change that she's made, wouldn't we feel like it was a life well lived? Oh, come on. Alice, are you being turned into a Bella lover? I'm obviously joking. I mean, like, are we absolutely sure she's off?

Well, this is the thing, you know, it's still up in the air. She could be fine, but... Next chapter doesn't really fill you with much confidence, though. Beep, beep though beep beep beep beep not great Catherine says dust in the wind

all we are is dust in the wind have a cocktail with Nelson Mandela for us Bella Leap Lemming says my favourite moment has to be the flying kick

she did onto Belinda during the flight to Texas what was that Georgie simply says well Bella every dog has its day oh to Texas. I don't remember that. What was that? Georgie simply says, well, Bella, every dog has its day. Oh.

Yeah. Throwing it back. Which is, of course, what Belinda said to Bella at the wedding. Yeah. Leah said, and I just, I'm going to mention this

because I want to say it again, not bad for a lad. Do you remember when she said that? Oh, that was loud. It's like back from the dead, isn't it? She never truly...

As long as Jamie's with her, Speller's kind of with her. I think we all second Stephen Emerson's sentiment when he says, Rest in penis, Speller. Yeah. Very good. Well, we're going to find out really soon. Less than a week. Monday, porno day is back.

We'll find out whether she's dead or alive. I'm thinking dead. James, quick. Dead or alive? I'm hoping alive. I'm thinking dead. Okay, Alice? I'm hoping dead.

I'm thinking alive. We'll see you on Monday, guys. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong.

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