My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Inside Our Book

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

We've finally got our hands on the first copies of our new book and it actually looks good! We have our first delve inside the pages... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. James, how are you? Good. Very excited. So today we'll be talking all about... Hello. Yeah, hi Alice. My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. Am I in the pop books?

You've just been very loud before we started, so I think... Creating energy and atmosphere. There's a funny atmosphere in my flat, so I've lit loads of candles alice singing tuppence a bag from mary poppins doth not create atmosphere honestly horrific i might have it as the first dance at my wedding that will never happen yeah thank you which definitely won't happen now that they know that that's a promise right no today on the footnotes we're going to be talking all about our brand new book which is really exciting yes the first copies have arrived! We got them a few days ago and they are looking as fit as Belinda in a maze.

No, better than that, surely. Marginally better than that. Yeah, they look so nice. Weirdly, they look so professional. It really belies what's inside. I know! And belies the writing process for all of us, including Rocky. I think people were worried about what to expect

because I feel like people have come, we've posted them on social media, people are like, oh, that actually looks nice. I think they thought we were just going to put out some scraggy handwritten pamphlet or something, which is essentially what Belinda Blink was in the first place. Exactly.

We're taking the charm of Flintstones work. The scraggy handwritten pamphlet is in here, so the original Belinda Blink one is in here. Typos and all, we haven't corrected a thing. Yeah, deliberately so. The editors were trying to change it. We had to fight with them, didn't we? You have to keep that in.

The publishers didn't quite get that the semicolons were placed very deliberately by Mr. Flintstone. Put it back. So some things that I particularly like is a breakdown of the different characters. I think that's quite useful. For example, Jim Sterling. The man that we are getting to know in a whole new light recently. Now, you might get the answer to this question wrong, but what would you think would be down for his defining physical attribute?

The vole, surely. Huge thumbs. It's not what you think. Do you even remember writing that? I don't remember. I literally don't remember writing it. I really like the illustrations. We got a girl called Amber to do our illustrations.

She did a great job. She did. Because it's not easy to draw a man in a thong, I would argue. No, yeah. She gives a few versions. Yeah, she's really nailed it. I mean, it's totally gross. That man needs a bikini wax, if ever I've seen.

Also, very tiny waist. That can't be Jim. No, no, that's Alphonse. Oh, yeah. Much more svelte. I think it was based on James Cooper, I think. Oh, do you reckon? Similar build.

Yeah, very similar. Oh, my God, there's a donkey! And the tombola's a picture of a donkey that's nice Sometimes I feel like James wasn't here for enough of the

writing sessions We also have we thought this was a really good idea when we pitched the book when we got them in maybe we should have rethought but

Rocky has written his own author notes for each chapter and this is one of my favourites so it says, what was your writing process while penning Belinda Blinked 1? And he says,

without giving away any spoiler alerts, I write to a very defined plot line. Obviously a lie. I call it a timeline. No, he doesn't. Also, that's a thing. Everyone calls it a timeline. No, he doesn't. Also, that's a thing. Everyone calls it a timeline. It's a very unusual technique.

I write with something called a pen. And it's basically the skeleton upon which I put on or take off the clothing of the characters. Oh, what a lovely analogy. Isn't it? Do you see what he's done there? He's carried it through. Couldn't he have written like that in the actual book? I know, that's way more detail and kind of use of prose

than he ever employs in a chapter so he's saying he does actually plan like there is thought that goes in before he sits down and writes i mean allegedly he says my timeline comes to me when i'm awake in bed around 3 a.m in the morning 3 a.m in the morning just to get that i did wonder which 3 a.m so that's good bam an idea just hits me and then i can get back to sleep that explains a lot so never an idea good enough to keep him up at night and also never fully lucid and also now i get why my mum's so pissed off go to sleep rocky yeah it must be so annoying he gets out his dictaphone in bed it's like idea for a character i am so relieved you said tophone at the end of that. But all we were kind of thinking about when we were writing this book,

and we wrote it really late at night a lot of the time, in Alice's kitchen, tearing our hairs out. I've got some great pictures of Alice just literally head in hand at three in the morning. Full meltdown mode. But we just kept thinking about what a great book we wanted it to be for groups of friends, things that people could enjoy together as a group.

Because otherwise you're just a weirdo pervert on your own. You are, exactly. So there's some activities that could be quite nice if you're, I don't know, having a dinner party, having drinks with friends or a long car or train journey. Yeah, they're peppered throughout the book. Don't you think you'd lose friends if you whacked this out at a dinner party? People are like, what are you doing? You'd have to know them well, wouldn't you?

It wouldn't be a new friend scenario. So there's reading group discussion points at the end of every chapter. Ah, so this is useful. So if you were having a book group, then you would actually have things to talk about afterwards. Yeah, totally. So I'll just pick one out. Here's one. Which RSM do you identify with most and why?

Ah, good one. Ooh. I think I would probably go with patrick i was gonna say patrick you're so patrick yeah just because of my celtic roots i hate to say it james you're des you are i was gonna say i'm des martin you have the lonely life to go with it cry baby although this book is a happier time for Des. Lonely and crybaby. Thanks, guys. Now I know what you think of me.

Who's Alice? Am I Dave Wilcox? I think you're Ken Dewsbury, actually. Shut up. You've got such a Narvin twang sometimes, Alice. But is Dave not Narvin? Dave Wilcox? No.

Where does Dave come from? Well, if you go to page 204, there's the Steeles Company structure. You're such a swat. Yeah. That bit he remembers writing. Okay. So there you go. Des Martins, London and home counties.

Okay, yeah, that makes sense for you. Crybaby, Southerner. Ken Dewsbury, Central and Northern England. And Dave Wilcox, the Western Areas. Western Areas. What the fuck is that? Westeros. Oh my God.

Belinda's sex tree's in here as well, because obviously it's difficult to keep track of who's done what with who, because everyone's done something with everyone. Okay, so the key says, a dashed line is caught a glimpse of flesh, a light line, horseplay, full line is all the trimmings. That's everything.

Yes, you can see what she's done with each character and how far she's got. So it looks like she's only ever caught a glimpse of flesh of Tony. Yeah, which is surprising. I kind of forgot that she never really went all the way with Tony. Shouldn't there be a dashed line for caught a glimpse of flesh between everyone and everyone else?

Because everyone's seen at least a tit from everybody else. My favourite bit is an all the trimmings line between Peter Rouse and Mrs Rouse, just at the top there. Not even in the book. Just to make it clear that Mrs Rouse has had sex with Peter at some point. We don't even know that.

It's a consummated marriage. Who we now know is Christina. Oh yeah, exactly. See, the world felt... This sex tree is going to... After book two, this sex tree is not going to fit on the page. Oh God, it's just going to keep growing.

It might have to be fold out. There's also the, obviously, the official drinking game rules at the back as well, which is kind of an essential for anyone who's going to buy this book. Also to set some people straight, because they're playing a kind of bootleg version of the drinking game. Yeah, it's not the official version, guys. People have been crying out for that as well. If that isn't a reason alone to buy the book, the drinking game rules,

people have wanted that for a long time. And then, of course, we've got our quiz at the back to test your Belinda Blink knowledge, but we've tried to make them quite tricky. You've got to be a real super fan to know the answers to this.

They are hard, I have to say. Yeah, if you only get one to ten correct, you're not even quite as smart as Bella, which is quite disappointing. Oh my God, I can't do the quiz!

I don't know how to spell quiz. Is it okay? If you get 31 to 40 though, you get a BTEC in business. A bit like the youngish man is presumably studying for. Shall I test you guys on one? Yeah, that's a good idea.

Name four of Belinda's body parts that Peter Rouse draws symbols on. Ear. Very good, yes. Oh, is that one? Yeah, that seems to be the only one I recall because it was so ludicrous. I was like, how do you fit it on an ear?

I'm assuming breasts. Tits. Yes, breasts. Of course, sorry. Use the terminology, please. Ass. Bum, yes. Yes, very good.

One more. Her big back? No, mouth. Forgotten that. A symbol of mud on your lips. I mean, it makes no sense, does it? That's ludicrous. What even are the symbols?

Oh, they're in there, aren't they, the symbols? So if you wondered what they might be. Yeah, and what they mean. Yeah. Also, after each chapter, we have an activity for you to do, either in a group or alone. These are quite demanding, actually. They are.

One of them here is using only household balms and creams, style a friend's hair into a maniac updo, wear the look out of the house and document the reactions you receive. Alice, you've already done that this evening. Yes, and I have the document of reactions with me now. Alice has been doing that activity most of her adult life. Ready for this.

And I particularly enjoy, Jamie will hate me saying this but his thought he's written a little foreword at the beginning to very enlightening about your relationship with rocky really good as well you're a better writer than your dad that's for sure thank you you've actually used punctuation in many of the right places i've tried alice i really have there's paragraphs headings. I mean, you're using all of the literary tools at your disposal. You've even used an asterisk. Oh my goodness. Don't tell Rocky they exist. They'll be everywhere. They'll be the night sky.

I do go through the five stages of grief, which I feel was fitting for discovering that my dad had written porn. One thing I'd love everyone to do when they get their books, because some people have pre-ordered and you should i don't know if we mentioned it but you can pre-order it now we haven't mentioned that at all no i probably say at some point i'm embarrassed how little we've

mentioned it we've never even mentioned the book before so you can pre-order it on like amazon i presume and waterstones and in many ways it would be really great for us because then maybe we could get in the chart in the first week of sales we should probably mention that at some point did you know tesco is going to stock it so with your weekly shop of like bread milk eggs you can have this in the basket yeah just hide it under some pomegranates you'll be fine surely they'll do a modesty title i was like a dirty magazine like a news agent when they just cover it with a bit of brown paper i presume they will because they're gonna have to exactly so what do you want people to do with it then yeah I've been planning the social strategy

around this and I think it'd be great if people could take pictures of them reading it in like weird unsuitable locations oh okay

like doctor's surgery doctor's surgery the pyramids like departures at an airport yes so yeah once people get their copies

of their book take a picture tag us in it. Yeah. And I'll share the best ones because... Oh, brilliant. We can make a huge big montage of everyone's. I love a giant montage.

Maybe use everyone's pictures of them with their book to make a huge big mural of Belinda. I love a giant montage. Love that. Like the Truman Show poster. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Niche.

Says you. What? Not on the podcast. For personal pleasure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Niche. Says you, singing Top and Sabag. Not on the podcast. For personal pleasure. For you, not for us. Top and Sabag. Stop it.

Guys, we're published authors. I know. The fuck? And we should say, we obviously take the piss out of it all the time and say how shit it is, but we are genuinely really proud of it. It's the best we could do. So, yeah, if you've pre-ordered it, it comes but we are genuinely really proud of it it's the best we could do so yeah if you've pre-ordered it

it comes out on Thursday the 27th of October so it should be in your post box that very day what a lovely dirty surprise for you can you imagine if somebody's looking

after your house because you're on holiday and they collect all your posts open any important things yeah thinks it's a gas bill we're going to get a shot it's that thin

it's as thin as a gas bill obviously going to be confused with a gas bill it's not Belinda Blink 1 we've actually added some stuff in belinda blink one would get confused for a gas bill so yeah and if you haven't pre-ordered it which frankly you should be ashamed of yourselves you can buy it in actual bookshops in real life on the 27th of october if you feel like you want to peruse it decide that way if you're one of those people that likes to like thumb it from start to finish before you actually buy.

And also great for stocking fillers and or secret Santa with people at work. Or wobbly tables. Where did it under that leg? It's a plethora of uses for my dad to porno the book. So thanks to you all for making it happen and onwards and upwards for the Flintstone Empire. Absolutely.

Book two? I'll never make the same mistake twice. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year

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