My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Jessie Ware

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

Singer-songwriter, podcaster and Belinker Jessie Ware joins the gang to talk turkey (mainly) and reveal a surprising connection to EL James, creator of Rocky's inspiration, '50 Shades of Grey'... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno The Footnotes. Now for our first guest of Series 4, very exciting guys, we've got singer-songwriter extraordinaire, the one, the only, Jessie Ware. Thank you so much, babe. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm a little hot under the collar jesse ware thank you so much babe how are you doing i'm good i'm a little um hot under the collar is that what you say i just finished the last episode and chuckled in my uber it's such a good ending you didn't aux cable it you didn't put it on imagine i was really worried that i would have forgotten my headphones and then i would have had to done it

on loudspeaker sorry so i'm to have to listen to this for work Could you just pop it into the speakers? Thanks Your dad loves to talk about labias Wow, okay, we're straight in. Thanks, Jessie No, he does, yeah You're either a boob man or a labia man, Jessie I feel like he's a real cunnilingus guy

Oh my god I'm sorry, Jessie Are we even a minute in? It's true. It's true. Let's just get down to the nitty gritty. And can we talk about a bog? Because a bog, I believe, is stagnant. Yeah, very whiffy.

Like it reeks. But really fertile, super fertile. Oh yeah, I mean, algae loves it. Forcund. Anyway, I'm just thinking about her minging fanny. Boggy's like stagnant, isn't it? It's viscous too. It's sort of like thick, isn't it?

Yeah. And the spongy pubic typewriter. That's a lot of people have been referencing that. So he was basically like putting his digits on a fan. Murder, she wrote kind of, you know. Q-Worty on the old Angela Lansbury on a poon yeah

I mean poon what year is it sorry I don't know I'm just trying to not use words at my time oh my god

maybe Rocky will use that in the next in the next that's definitely a word that I know that he doesn't know so I kind of

try and take ownership of the ones that I know he knows about desperados though doesn doesn't he? He does. Well, he's obviously just after some free desperados. Well, maybe they could help a struggling podcast out, wouldn't they? They could do.

We love desperados here. You've actually brought with you, you couldn't find Schler. No. But as a gift, you brought kind of a knockoff. So thanks. Yeah, no. I mean, a knockoff that's like the most kind of, it's a press day day it's a kind of middle very kind of middle class is it bevrois it's a elderflower and uh rose because that's exactly what you want to drink but um yeah i couldn't find schlurr and

i love schlurr but you also brought a bottle of uh bubs yeah i did i did that's how the wares roll well you know well i'm sorry i'm just trying to compete with how you managed to host at our house and make us so drunk. I know. So we've been on table manners and we had potentially the booziest night in a long time. You don't drink, do you? I don't drink. Well, look at me. It's early afternoon.

She's crying as she looks at her verve cliquot, but really just longs for her little cup of tea. Next to each other, though. That's life balance, isn't it? Yeah, we got pretty merry. It was great. You basically had to kick us out. You did, yeah. I think I did.

But I kind of do that with all my best friends. So don't worry. Your mum just left. Yeah, let me just let her. One minute she was there, the next... She's like, sorry, darlings, I'm going home. We were like, okay. What's that called?

A French exit. Yeah, she did a French exit and Alice Levine exit that's my preferred method yeah you can't do it when it's in your own house though can you which is why I never host

I'll just go to bed though happily in fact when I think it was when George Ezra was on the show you guys just stayed up and I think I was like I think you did go to bed

I was like you know what to do let yourselves out but this chapter that we've just heard yeah this was a turning point for you and belinda yeah i feel like you know you you get so annoyed at belinda and look i just felt like she was joyous and she had a revelation from the what's it the nature of the north scots yes i mean who speaks like that i guess like what's a matey michael sheen would say that was quite shakespearean yeah well that's true i mean he's obviously dad's tapping into some sort of kind of higher power of literature i would say the books after michael might be different to

the books before michael you might see a shift in who he's writing for if we have bog pre michael god knows what we're gonna have post i'm seeing now go with me here for a second. I'm seeing some similarities between you and Belinda. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dark hair, body's a knockout, loves to date Sams. Oh, that's true. Okay, so yeah, I have never felt so connected to Belinda as this episode. So I'm really happy that I'm here to talk about it. Firstly, you had me at turkey sandwich.

And I loved what she said at the end. I mean, fine, she was orgasming. And I have never said this whilst orgasming. But I love food. I love my friends. I love family. I love chardonnay. And she was shagging a Sam.

So I just felt so connected to Belinda. We should say your husband's called Sam. My husband is called Sam. I don't really shag him. So I think I really thank Rocky Flintstone for just making me think about shagging a Sam for a moment. You can imagine what it's like. Yeah.

But no, I do love Chardonnay. And I'm guilty. I love it. And I love food. And I just love that she was so up for eating the turkey sandwich and it stopped kind of well actually she kind of orgasmed whilst having a bit of more of a does she even get to the slab of meat or did they're just looking at the turkey juicy turn her on i don't think it ever got made into a sandwich i think she just kept

eating slices of salmon that suits me atkins in it, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's very lean. It's a very lean meat. I've never done that, the food sex thing. No, I keep them quite separate, I think. I keep them quite separate. In separate houses, please. I mean, there was like in Ann Summers, you know when you're like a teenager

and you thought it was really naughty to go into Ann Summers, even though I was not having sex. I'd be going to Ann Summers and there'd be like the chocolate spread. I swear my mates used to buy it through each other

oh Jesus like those little pezzes or those disgusting penny sweets if I'm going to eat a fucking g-string I want it to be

those cherry haribos do you know what I mean yeah I want it to be like Coca-Cola bottles some like delicious parma ham or smoked salmon or something

oh Jesus a parma ham is gone she's obviously little string of olives all right oh yeah now that now you're talking delicious yeah and to be stuffed yeah absolutely um Apparently, a turkey slap is a thing. Some people have tweeted us this week. Oh, we didn't know that, did we? A turkey slap is slapping. I feel like Jessie knows. Do you know what it...

Okay, guess what it is. Is it like you just slap somebody around the face with a turkey? Turkey. Nearly. Nearly. Or on your bottom. You slap someone around the face with your dick. Oh!

I see it. Or on your bottom. You slap someone around the face with your dick. Oh! I'm so rude. I wanted that reaction on video. I also enjoy James going, with your dick, to Jessie Ware. Let's get your dick out. With Jessie's massive schlong. Isn't that just called a willy slap? A willy slap?

Isn't the words just called that a willy slap? Maybe it is in your house, love. I've been saying it wrong for years. I was just saying, Sam, don't do a willy slap. I'm sorry, why is it not called a sausage slap? Yeah, why turkey? Yeah, good point. I don't know, but yeah, we got loads of tweets saying turkey slap.

I guess it's kosher for all, surely. Sorry, I just googled turkey slap. The act of lovingly slapping your partner in the face with an erect or semi-erect penis. How is that lovingly? Oh, it was like, ha ha, catch this. I love you. So that was erect then. I think people would prefer a semi-erect, because surely it hurts if it's erect.

You either get like a broken jaw or with an erect or you may get like that almost whipping effect with a semi-erect and then that could actually have more of a sting. Or like a kind of bounce back. Yeah. What about like just flaccid? You didn't talk about this shit with my machine.

You bring out the worst in us. Oh my God. There was something else that we kind of discovered when we were around for dinner. Yeah. You were there at the birth of Dad's inspiration, Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes.

Oh, yes. Yes. You know E.L. James. I do. Not only know her. Worked opposite her, read the first pages of her erotica so before it was even a thing okay yeah so here is the story i was working at a place called love productions which is a tv company and

i was being basically the creative director's bitch and um and uh and all i wanted to be was a researcher and um and anyway so erica oh oh no, does everyone know her name is Erica? Yeah, I think so. Okay, fine. It's like Rocky. We do know. Yeah, I don't think she's like Rocky, you know. So, E.L. sat opposite me and she was always lovely

and I think actually I was quite lazy there because I just didn't want to be there. But it got on well with her. And she came back from Christmas clutching an eat soup and like a small eat soup. And they do not fill you up. No, famously. And she just kind of was, she just was like a different person. She was like, I'm just compelled to write.

She'd kind of got completely transfixed with Twilight. She was a Twihard. And she was in love with the relationship between i think edward and bella and then kind of kept on going and she said i've started writing my own stuff and and it's it's sexy and i said god eric l-e-l and she said you want to read something i was like yeah i do there was definitely a tie involved and um and it was bloody racy and i like first draft this is like not so wasn't so now because we met up years later i'd loved it like the story was like we met up in chateau marmont um in la and i just

changed no mate we both changed and we cheersed with whispering angels in our house and uh i finished my tour and she was there I think they were filming the film and we met up we had a drink and we just said this is so funny that we both do these completely different jobs and I was like well done like I remember reading stuff and I said was that 50 Shades she said no oh it wasn't oh it's but I know but I think it's going to come out if it hasn't already come out I think she's like

she's going to work on it so that's what's going on when you read it did you think this could be a thing or did you think this is my to be honest

I felt very uncomfortable yeah my colleague wrote a porno yeah and actually I met her husband when we were in LA we bumped into each other

and just like they were having like the time of their life together because she'd written erotica yeah and it kind of they're having a lovely time because when dad comes on tour

with us sometimes it's so and he comes on tour sometimes yeah when my dad come and kind of tag along for a bit and it's so exciting for all of us

but for them it's just amazing because something that he wrote in the garden shed they're suddenly kind of that's amazing backstage and because it's in the garden shed they're suddenly kind of backstage and because it's not a world that they're from at all

it's even so glamorous yeah and it is kind of glamorous and for him to be able to see those people you can't see your hundred million

downloads how many are you on now? 130 oh my god you're so big I think we just got to like stop doing sexy talk

Jesse look at all your downloads look at them Oh my God, you're so big. I think we just got to like... Stop doing sexy talk, Jessie. Look at all your downloads. Look at them. But he can't see those people. And then to come to a theatre or the opera house. Did he come to the opera house? He didn't come to the Sydney Opera House.

He came to the Royal Albert Hall. He came to a bit of the Europe leg with us. I haven't even sold out bloody Royal Albert Hall yet. And Rocky, you know, this is amazing. Yeah, it's pretty, yeah. I still want to know. And i think i asked this on my podcast when you were on jimmy but like i just i want to know where your dad is getting these things from i don't but because no but like these thoughts and is it because he's practicing them on your mother no no no no no no i think does he google search like what's in right now

what's in I don't know is there spring summer 19 kind of a bag baby is smoking drugs up someone's vagina in

right now oh my god that was really interesting when he tried to do it up the bum which I just think is difficult seriously

yeah do you know what I really don't know where he gets his inspiration from I do try and avoid having those conversations with him just because it's really uncomfortable, especially now it's gone so deep into this world. And now we're so far in,

you realise there's been research done, he's done throwbacks where he's really thought about what's going to happen later. I don't know. I don't think of these things. I don't think about blowing cigar smoke up a fanny. I just don't. I don't think of these things I don't think about blowing cigar smoke up a fanny I just don't why don't you

there's a lot of information in each like chapter more than you think as well we miss so much shit as well it was like when she had a garlic fanny and you were like oh yeah because she had garlic spread on her steak and I was like, oh, I forgot.

Did she have a garlic fanny or was it? Was it her breath? Maybe it was garlic breath. Oh, it was garlic breath that mixed with the smoke, was it? It wormed its way down to fanny, definitely, yeah. Yeah, but like, I don't, I need to stop talking about fannies, don't I? But like, yeah, I just kind of, I forgot. And then you were like, oh, yeah, no, she had steak and garlic.

Like, don't you remember? It's a logical thing, guys. I mean, come on. We should say this episode is sponsored by Fanny's. Thank you for providing all your production support. Thank you, Fanny's. The world over. Hello, Fanny.

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slash running i mean you guys surely have quite a lot to bond over i mean we talked about a little bit when we came for dinner but like family business you know okay now you're working with your mom full of regret yeah my mom i don't i feel like she is jacqueline hyde one day she's chris jenna and it's like darling why are we not getting more downloads why are we not hitting like my dad 100 million downloads and uh and then i'm like i don't know mom god i'm so sorry and then she's like we need better sponsorship i'm like okay i'll do my best i love lenny the momager the brand right yeah and then one day she'll be like I can't do this anymore I know

yesterday the cleaner dropped the quiche dish and now now the the black brie tart for Nigella is fucked this is when I need

assistance darling that was a text I got from her oh my god yeah we had Nigella last night I was going to say Saw's name dropped Nigella

hold on when's this coming out though Thursday so we can't play oh no I'll just do it again yeah darling Yeah, we had Nigella last night. I was going to say, it's sort of name drop, Nigella. Hold on, when's this coming out though? Thursday. So we can't play. Oh, hold on, I'll just do it again. Dialing the BlackBerry tar. It's going, oh, fuck, I can't do it.

Just fucking say it. I can't, I can't do it. Brilliant, we got it. We got what we need. Brilliant, brilliant. Maybe some people will listen to our podcast. Nigella, I think, is going to start the series 11th of October. So it's a teaser, shall we say.

You've just teased it to everyone. Do you know what's interesting? We've sometimes talked about Nigella as playing Belinda. Well, oh. Okay. No, go on. Well, I think, I feel like you are disrespecting Nigella, basically. Yeah, I think that, you know, we should aim a little bit higher for Nigella.

Nigella's cameo in the 30s. Okay, fine, fine, fine. But, you know, does she like turkey? Because Belinda loves turkey. Who, Nigella? I didn't ask her that. I saw her sucking on a lamb chop and I loved it. Slurped it right up.

Going back to your mum, she likes to be a bit of an enigma doesn't she like rocking i mean she says she does but then wanted her hair bigger in a photo shoot today she's such a wallflower she wanted us to wear matching red lips and i was like that's just not gonna happen she was like why not i think she thinks we're an ABBA or something you're a sister band my mum said my mum said

the other day darling I do this for you so you can get a good presenting job when the music goes wrong I was like

thanks thanks Lenny thanks so much love these pep talks mum but also the music's better than ever so that's kind of well thank you I mean no it's like I don't know I feel like my head is all in podcast mode Thank you so much. Love these pep talks, mum. Also, the music's better than ever.

Well, thank you. I mean, no, it's like, I don't know. I feel like my head is all in podcast mode at the moment. I was going to say, because, yeah. It's a really, like, full-time job, don't you think? Yeah. More work than we ever thought it would be, for sure. I mean, definitely for you boys. Yeah, I mean, Alice does work all day.

Alice got here about four minutes before. That's not true. It was five and I misread the whatsapp group and she'll probably leave before we finish I'll probably leave before you just think that's alright I like to say yesterday when I made no food for our

guest I said I'm a bit like the Rick Rubin of this I exec it and my mum says go fuck yourself no I mean she's ridiculously competitive but then

the most reluctant person she drives me mad it's great though I think it's so fun that you get to do it together and like for me I've learnt so much about my dad

and we've got so much closer from doing it even though it's difficult sometimes but doesn't he get really annoyed particularly with you two because I feel like

you kind of Jamie you are you are forgiving of him but I feel like you kind of... Jamie, you are forgiving of him. I feel like you two, like you roll your eyes. These two are idiots. You touch. You say, for God's sake, I'm sick of it. Alice actually was quite generous and said, I enjoyed that one last week.

That was quite shocking. I was tired. Do you ever feel embarrassed to see him and feel a bit apologetic? Early days, when we'd first started doing it, I did feel the need to give him a hug and be like it's all in it's all in jess good spirit and he was like don't you worry about it and but yeah i do sometimes worry when we've gone in yeah he's but he's got a good such a good sense of humor now i feel like it's a challenge to try and

like rib him as much as possible yeah he's gonna like bring it come on see if you can kind of hurt me i have i have no words to describe that. That guy, that Rocky. He is just amazing. And he doesn't kind of get the credit he deserves from us maybe all the time. So we'd like to say, Rocky, we love you. I felt like it was going to turn into a tribute. Maybe Lenny and Rocky should meet.

I mean, maybe they have a lot to share. I think they'd get on like a house. Yeah, well, he really liked our episode of Table Manners. Oh, did he? Yeah, he loved it, of course. Oh, okay, good for you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he loves anything that he's mentioned in.

So, he was a big fan. Yeah, and he also likes your music. Oh, that's... Because I've introduced him to your stuff. I would be honoured if he could have one of my songs playing in one of Belinda's sessions. Oh, wow. Okay. Even if it was like lobby music.

I'm really good in lobby, hotel lobby music. And I believe she could have sex in a hotel lobby. Why don't you soundtrack the movie that we're going to be making? I'm so, I'm down. I mean, I was in the Fifty Shades soundtrack, but I got the shit bit where the mate's shagging the mate. You were definitely the B storyline there

and I was on the radio like on the radio so it was like tinny and shit which one was it? it was meet me in the middle and it was not that sexy to be honest anyway have a word

can you get me you know you have to feel thankful and actually it's one of like my most played songs on Spotify which just makes me laugh because it's obviously because loads of people love that soundtrack but you've got some really really sexy songs you know i feel like i have got some sexy songs like so i feel like belinda would be brilliant if she has like a work trip to central america south america and she has selfish love on and it's just yeah I'd like that or like Midnight or something

oh Midnight yeah if she's really using those digits somebody's using those digits yeah you've got your fist in my face right now yeah

you know okay I'm sure Dad'll be on it he'll be on it I'm very happy to say yes to that okay great if you need it

because we do like to give everyone a role within the production you know. Soon we'll just be casting the ADs and stuff, but you've got in there for the soundtrack. Thank you so much. Yeah, no, that's a really big thing. And I feel like, you know,

that's really important to think about what music is playing in her mind. Yeah. She shags all these different people. Knowing Jessie Ware, she will hold us to this. We'll get an email like, yeah, he's about the syndication deal for the soundtrack.

Is it weird to think that then if lots of people have downloaded it because of Fifty Shades, are lots of people shagging to that track? I'd love to think they are. Yeah. I mean, that's your big perv. No, I mean... I think about them every day.

I think about their positions. No, I think I make a lot of music to live vicariously through other people having sex because I'm not so people have made babies to your music I bloody hope so the population has spiked since you've started releasing I did get a really nice tweet

the other day that this poor man had to endure my song and my album on repeat for nine hours for the birth of his son are you serious? he was very nice about it but i could i couldn't listen to it from once through so i mean probably nine hours he was like the soundtrack of our birth and i thought that was really sweet that's so nice

people have used the podcast as their birthing track yeah because because they need to promote endorphins rather than adrenaline and you need to laugh. Is that good? I mean, you said it. That's brilliant. Yeah, because like you don't want too much adrenaline because that makes your cervix close up. So you want to make that dilated and laughing really helps. It's like I put on Zootopia when I was in the early stages of my job. What? So we could laugh. I don't know why we chose that

all the comedy movies it was cute it wasn't it wasn't laugh out loud it was a laugh a minute it's a lol this could be really interesting for you you could be like the my dad wrote a porno birthing method and like you could basically implement your own birthing method by like laughing the baby out through that's quite amazing i mean i think we should get it on the nhs like now yeah the raffle approach yeah shoot it out roll it out yeah well jesse thank you so so much for coming on the show we've loved i mean you're literally crying i'm crying i'm crying this has been hysterical I think I'm going to regret a lot of what I said

everything is legally binding sorry please be kind in the end but fucking hell even without five bottles of Lambrusco like we did at my house it's a laugh a bloody minute

with you three