My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Joe Lycett

Episode Date: July 21, 2016

Comedian Joe Lycett joins the gang to read the many and varied Amazon reviews for Belinda Blinked Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back, with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Hello everybody, welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno, The Footnotes. We are joined today by our good friend and comic, Mr Joe Lysett.

Hello everyone, hello, thank you for having me. Are you comfy Joe Lysett? I'm very comfortable, it's a very nice setup you have here. Have you ever explained to the listeners this sort of setup you have? Very homely, isn't it? We're just around James's kitchen table at the minute. Very homely. Everyone's just had some chicken.

You've got a little pot of hummus next to you. I've got some hummus. Everything I need. I've got Rocky's business card, which you've given to me. What do you think of that? Well, I mean, it's arousing, isn't it? There's at least one naked nip, maybe the sort of slight edge of another one as well.

A hint of vag? A hint of vag. Oh, hang on, it's pressed into it. Oh, no, it's somebody's bank card. Did you have it in your wallet? I now know what the number is to your bank. You've got all the important security digits. Yeah.

So I've been listening to your podcast. Thank you very much. Thoughts? I'm so sorry. Well, so I have written a book, as you guys have, or are in the process of doing. And writing a book has given me a lot of sympathy for people that write books. Because it's long, isn't it? It takes ages to write a book.

Bloody hard. And I would argue that I feel like Rocky's being bullied. Oh, now the B word's a strong word. In what way? Because I think, you know, it's really admirable that he spent so much time working on that novel. Okay, well, for a start,

he didn't spend any time writing it. No. I think about an afternoon. They take 18 minutes a novel. And also I will say, when I listened to the first one, I was eating a pret salad one of the chicken chef specials oh yes and i always love that salad and it's the

first time i've not been able to finish it because i thought i might vomit so you're harboring ill will towards us because of that pret salad well no towards your dad in the novel um but um but yes i think he's done great work, actually. No, you're right. It is admirable that he's applied himself because many people have not written a book. I'd wager that not everyone should write a book, Joe. I think my dad may be in that camp.

It's too late for that now, isn't it? Tell me about it. He's gone down that rabbit hole. I thought that accusation was thrown at you. I thought it was like, some people shouldn't write a book joke. Thank you for coming on. Goodbye. But also, maybe it's a very clever way of making you think about sex from a perspective

that you wouldn't have otherwise thought of. Because I'm a clumsy lover at the best of times. You're all fingers and thumbs. And that's not how to kiss, is it? Clearly fingers and thumbs. I got that all wrong. Clawing someone's mouth out. But there's penetrating a vulva at one point it's like well fine go for it go for your life if you can do it then you know why not and of course your

your nickname is the duchess yes which came from when i was in melbourne i was in the melbourne comedy festival um i was given that nickname by a few of the comedians there. And it just sort of stuck. And I love it. Are you an heir to the throne like the Duchess herself? No. Well, I might be. Sometimes people discover that they are last minute, don't they?

Have you done that show where they find out what's it called? Who do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you are? No, I've not done that show because my profile is considerably lower than is required for that did they tell you that when you kept emailing i'd like to know who my father is you live with him have you ever worn i'm just still intrigued why you're called the duchess have you ever worn a panama hat no i think it's just because um i'm a bit camp and i talk a bit regal i think that's a bit regal a bit regal well no i suppose i don't i speak slightly um what's the word you're haughty aren't you a bit haughty i'm better than you all and i think that's where it comes from we kissed your hand as you

arrived yes i can see where that comes from now and i washed it's where it comes from we kissed your hand as you arrived yes i can see where that comes from now and i washed it immediately my main concern though is that the duchess in the book her favorite accessory is um a large black dildo that she keeps in a zinc line case yeah that's about right i've got an office in birmingham and i've been annoying them the neighbors recently because i've got a dildo that I bought for a joke and that's my story and I won't air from it but it's got a suction pad on the bottom as dildos often have these days so that you can attach it to a surface and then sit on it and the in my office I've got a lot of glass and I've devised a game which is to see if you can throw the dildo and it affixes

and you have to sort of grab it from the tip from the bell end and then throw it in a sort of swooping motion so that it spins and lands on the suction bit and i have urban welly wanging do you know that one where like country fates you just throw a wellington boot but this is a little bit more yeah yeah it's like a source version of that oh yeah yeah, it's taken me ages. But I've had a couple of friends in the office for various reasons recently, and we've been playing throw the dildo. And actually, at one point,

it nearly went out of an open window into the courtyard, which could have been really... Where old Frank was taking his morning stroll around the square. Constitutional. So I've been annoying the neighbours because it bangs quite heavily. It's not a light dildo. I'm not going to shell out for a dildo

that isn't at least three stone. I mean, if you went round somebody's house or apartment or flat to have sex with them and they threw a dildo against a window and it stuck immediately. Wouldn't it smash? It's three stone. I think that would get me going.

Do you think? Smashing. I'm ready. Brilliant. Wow. Well, you are such a fan of Belinda Blink, the book, that you have been doing a bit of research for us. Well, I've always been a big fan of Amazon reviews for products.

Yeah. That's how you picked your dildo. That's how you picked your dildo. That's how you... Yeah, I mean, I never purchase a dildo without going thoroughly through the reviews. Marion in Leeds was very happy with it. She was. Affixed itself beautifully to the patio window.

Had myself a smashing Tuesday morning. So, because one of my first stand-up routines was reading through Amazon reviews of the complete works of Shakespeare. Brilliant. Which, I mean, I recommend anyone does it on a sort of spare half hour because people just don't know what they're buying.

If they're unhappy with Shakespeare, I dread to think what they're saying about Mr. Flintstone. Are they kind? Mixed. Okay. Do you want to hear one of them? Yes, please. When you say it's a mixed mezze,

should we prepare ourselves for some quite harsh words? Well, we didn't write the words. I mean, how harsh do you consider the word tosh? And then we can work back from there. Okay, I think we might be all right. Well, shall I read that one? That's the one star. Let's start with the criticisms and then build up.

So the one star review is, what a load of tosh! Just in case you didn't understand the seriousness with which this person was writing. So long since I've heard the word tosh. I know. Wasn't expecting much, but got even less. One star.

Is that the whole review? That's the whole review, just two lines. Can we review that review? It's not thorough enough, quite frankly, and I don't accept it. Somebody's been disappointed, and that happens sometimes in life. You can't please everybody, can you? Oh, we felt like that most chapters. You know, we weren't expecting much, but we got even less.

Yeah, to be fair, I am with that reviewer. I think we wrote that one, so let's move on. Yeah, this one went A. Levine. So the three star is uh is long and it has a tagline which is funny in a tragic way oh where do you begin with this very sub mills and boons self-published and then in quote marks erotic pamphlet question mark pamphlet do you get erotic pamphlets in doctor's surgeries is that where you'd get an erotic pamphlet like an sti leaflet yeah it is to me that's where i get my material yes very sub mills and boone is i don't really know what that means well mills and boone is pretty low brow is it yeah i thought that was quite high

brow is it not no it's the pits i don't know whether you can. Well, Mills and Boone is pretty lowbrow, isn't it? Yeah. I thought that was quite highbrow, is it not? No, it's the pits. I don't know whether you can say very sub. I do think it... Oh, that's your issue. That's my grammatic problem. How have you got through Belinda Blinked if you're concerned with that grammatical foible? But the thing is, if you're reviewing a book, you better make sure that your grammar's on point. I hate that.

When people have bad language in a critical message, it's like, no, no, no, no. Not having it. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. spell check yourself i i often check myself before i wreck myself in the next sentence there is a semi-colon yeah oh a favorite of rocky's a tribute a tribute not to be taken seriously i guess semi-colon it's more an insight into the weird workings of a seriously bizarre english middle class mind well for a start he's from northern ireland so that's wrong i love inner workings like that somehow makes it seem more disturbed than it like the inner workings of someone's

mind it's like well it's not he's written it all down so it's very much out in the open yeah sorry rocky you're getting a right going over here. I'm given to understand this book was written by a 60-year-old, again, quote marks, normal married man with grown-up children. Bless him. Oh.

Do you know what that is? That's the classic patronising... Yeah, you can take that tone away. It's like a tiny bit of faux tenderness in there, isn't it? I should also mention we're not even halfway through this. Oh my God, you're joking. It's like a tiny bit of faux tenderness in there, isn't it? I should also mention, we're not even halfway through this. Oh my God, you're joking.

It's like, this person is absolutely livid. I feel like he's a little bit jealous of Rocky. Yeah, you might be. I think he wants to be Rocky a little bit. I think he might be a 60-year-old middle-class Englishman. He's got issues. Oh my word, yeah. Could be my dad.

Your dad. Mr. Lysette. David Lysette. Shout out. Yeah, I'm sure we'll love it in this context yeah well it feels a person a jealous wannabe porn writer has your dad ever done anything in this uh not that i would know about but i'm sure there are bodies buried somewhere and that's one thing i wanted to ask you actually because you seem very chilled out about this well it's been a year.

But I don't think I'd ever get over it. Really? Well, I feel like doing the podcast and reading it out loud helps. Because, obviously, if it's your own little secret that you don't tell anyone about, I think that that's worse to suppress it. You've got to kind of own it and then put it out in the world and share your pain.

It's a very healthy attitude to have, Jim. I think it is, yeah. I mean, in the circumstances, it's healthy. In the wider world. I mean, it's like if all you've got is ingredients, it's just butter and bacon. You still go, well, I'll just have some butter on a spoon. In the circumstances, it's fine.

When God gives you butter, have butter on a spoon. I mean, what else are you going to do? Eat the spoon, I suppose. Let me continue with this review. I mean, it's probably some of the worst writing you'll ever read, but definitely so bad it's good. Not a great sentence. We laugh at the author, and apparently that's okay.

The author's definitely a few beans shy of a full can, which is my favourite sentence I've ever heard, I think. Because it's such a sort of niche simile, isn't it? Is it a few beans short of a full can? Yes. Is that it? Yeah. Is it a simile or a metaphor?

Metaphor. It's a metaphor, that one, isn't it? Big bean fan there. Loves his Heinz, clearly. Loves his cross and back well. Few beans. Would you agree with that review of your father? No, I wouldn't actually.

I mean, he isn't normal, but who is normal? I mean, I think... Alice is looking at me like, Jamie, your dad's demented, what are you trying to say? You thought Jamie's over-rationalised it over time. He's mad as a box of frogs, but I think he'd say that himself. He is and he isn't, though. What is he a few short of what?

He's a few chapters short of a book, in my opinion. Yeah, see? There you go. He could maybe do with a bit of therapy. Oh, that's quite a claim. As well as lessons in grammar and anatomy. Well, I think we'd all agree there. He's going to have every night of the week booked up

if he's one night at a therapist and one night at a grammar class and one night at an anatomy class. Collecting beans. Would be more useful than ridicule and literary encouragement. Unless it's all just a massively clever parody slash hoax, in which case, carry on. Three stars. So this is something people think.

People think we have made up Rocky Flintstone and we're writing Rocky Flintstone. How could you make this up? I wish we had the comedy chop to do that. It'd be a waste of your creative energies. We've got better things to do. Now a nice short one here. Not bad.

I came a few times. Five stars. That was you. Yeah, that was me. A few times. Not going to be specific on how many times they came. I think that'll take that one. If anyone's using this to get their rocks off there are a few being short of account yeah uh this is a another five star review stop it i know it's great isn't it it's

doing very well all of a sudden politically grammatically temporally what does temporarily like in terms of his time manage like kind of the way he displays time because i don't know if you notice but it's very confused about when the last chapter ended what time it is now oh yes yeah and biologically incorrect in every way belinda blinked is an action-packed mud orgy of a read it's all played out in the high-pressure, glitzy, glamorous cut-and-thrust, with the emphasis on thrust, world of the pots and pans business. Apart from Chapter 3, it's a fast-paced adventure that's oozing with luxurious locations. E.g. the Leather Room, the Heathrow Pentra Hotel, a medium-sized maze in the middle of nowhere,

a horse box, a chalet, and now legendary horse and jockey. Wonderful. I can't fault that. It's a Bond movie, isn't it? That was better written than anything, any Shakespeare I've ever read. Yeah, and very well read. Could have brought a tear to my cock. It's a world where the seemingly insatiable,

inexhaustible and perpetually naked or just about to be Belinda indulges in a hedonistic whirlwind of gin-fuelled sex and cervical trauma. I'm not sure I like the term cervical trauma. No, neither do I. Well, if someone grabs it, it is a trauma. It's true. It's technically true. The highlight of the book for me was the high-stakes Tom Bowler,

Rocky's first winner, five stars. Oh, I'm really pleased with that. That's nice, isn't it? Because it's not just saying it ironically, because it does mention all of the flaws. And it shows that they've actually read the book. Yeah. Which is good.

They've got to the end by the sounds of it. I'll print that out for Rocky. He'll love that. Oh, frame that. Yeah. Right. Have we got one more? Yes.

Now I'm CEO. Thank you, Belinda. Five stars. Have you ever done anything Belinda style to get a job I've never had a job don't be ridiculous

have I no I don't think sort of any sort of sexual encounter with me will convince me to do anything Joe you're going back to runner

and you're MD throw that guy's CV into a furnace, will you? Just spend three nights with him. I think I learned early on that that was not something that would increase my chances of making it in the beers. But would you give someone a job based on... Absolutely.

Absolutely. And it was the smallest of sexual favours. A tickle. A kindly word. A kindly word. Just a kind glance. Is that why you've got 72 assistants? Yeah, it might be.

It might be. You're one of the largest intern schemes in the world. Well, does that happen as much as people suggest i think it's quite an 80s thing isn't it the old shaggy way to the top it always feels like quite a showbiz thing like in the entertainment industry couch yeah yeah i just don't know like at the on the actual day when you're kind of in the meeting with the other partners of the business sort of going through the cvs and go oh what was it about her that i really oh i yeah i fucked her so i think she should i don't think that's happening is it in meetings

um final review now five stars for this one as well a modern classic oh yes i'd have to disagree oh fuck off jane austin mother Teresa, Rosa Parks, all great women, but not a patch on Belinda Blumenthal. This book is a one-stop shop for all women aspiring in the business world. Five stars. I have heard that Mother Teresa wasn't that great. In business. Particularly at business, but I'd heard that she was...

She had everything for free didn't actually none of those are good business women jane austin rosa parks all terrible business women actually i don't know rosa parks might have had a little you know an etsy an etsy account making little jewels um little uh little hand-carved necklaces i imagine um little needle points although why would she need to get the bus if she was doing all the work from home yeah you're right bought an uber i think that could be a new novel for for rocky could write the true story of Rosa Parks and Mother Teresa. All of them, yeah. Because Mother Teresa,

I read somewhere that she... That she wasn't very nice? She wasn't very nice and was a bit of a kind of loved poverty, basically. I sort of really got off on it. What are you talking about? No, honestly,

it was Christopher Hitchens who wrote a really long article about her saying that she's not as good as everyone makes her out to be. She's a bad egg. And it's like, Mark's like, I wrote a really long article about it. I have heard that. Saying that she's not as good as everyone makes her out to be. She's a bad egg. And it's like, Mark's a bad egg. He didn't use the phrase bad egg. No, he didn't use the phrase bad egg.

I paraphrased Christopher Hitchens' extensive article. But basically, yeah, lots of, like, particularly from a business point of view, there's loads of stuff in her history about how she um got loads of donations from all sorts of people and used them in really weird not good ways no this is absolutely true we used to have two listeners in vatican city thanks a lot joe well it was a pleasure chatting to you that guys i mean she might have been a good egg, but I've heard otherwise. Stop it, you're digging yourself even deeper. Joe, it's so much better hearing bad feedback from you. I try to give it an air of...

Your regal voice. Well, I think when things are read out, they often don't feel as serious as when you sort of see them and read them for yourself. That's true, actually. Joe, thank you so much. God, my pleasure pleasure it's been a great honor what a hoot to let you know about all the reviews the great reviews that rocky's been

receiving yeah and he is loved not just by us which is nice to know i think he should take them and run with them use it as encouragement write more books definitely speaking of books you've got a book out not yet it's it'll be out in october what's it called parsnips buttered and it is a uh a self-help book that will provide you with no help like most self-help books maybe you can give one to rocky he needs a lot of help i would happily send a copy to rocky if he then sent you 15 pounds if if he went onto the website amazon and searched my book placed an order for it, I would happily have that arranged. Thanks, Joe Lyson.

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Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.