My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Live Shows

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

It's the very first Porno live shows this week in London and the gang try to overcome their nerves before hitting the stage... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys, welcome to My Dad Directed Porn of the Footnotes, James and Alice, how are you? Really nervous. I know, it's the week of our first ever live shows. Stage spectacular. I had my first anxiety dream about it the other night. I was thrashing around in bed like nobody's business. Yeah, and what about the dream? No, honestly, I think I was just playing out every scenario that could go wrong.

Like what if no one turns up? What if we're rubbish? I mean, that's highly likely, obviously. I think they're two of the most likely things, actually. So not so much an anxiety dream as a prophecy. But I think a lot of people can probably empathise with us on this. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, Jamie. Well, I think what you both forget about me

is that I'm actually an award-nominated actor. Oh. So, you know, this is all a bit of a breeze to me. What was the role again? I was, Alice, I don't know if you know this about me, I was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Cheshire One Act Festival for playing Toad in Toad of Toad Hall in 1996.

This makes so much sense. Brilliant. Alice, poop poop. Hang on. I see it, I see it. That was the arrogant Toad. And that is what we call you behind your back, and now I know why. 1996, you would have been like 10 toad. And that is what we call you behind your back. And now I know why.

1996, you would have been like 10. And you were already nominated. Did you win? I didn't win. I was really upset. I know. Who won? I was robbed.

I think an old man. Wait, was this all ages? Yeah. Jamie, he needed an award before he died. He was a veteran. And also somebody was like, who let the 10-year-old enter? No, it was the cheshire one act festival everyone could enter everyone's welcome famously at the cheshire one act festival absolutely so

you're used to the stage i mean this is this is nothing new to you well i haven't tread the boards in many years but um shut up well actually now you mention it i should also draw on some stage experience i um don't like to brag but i was cast because of my portly frame in year five as the butcher in oliver oh my god what we what did you have to say anything i've seen more meat on a lamb chop mr bumble oh that's very good thank you did you have a song no no just that was it and then i scuttled off oh no actually now you mention it i did join in in the chorus of consider yourself but i didn't realize the second time you sang it you only sang it once so i went can't and nobody else sang along

it was awful i was the butler in joseph and his technical dream coat the butler there is no butler there is a butler in go go joseph so you like play servants honest honest folk and you were the the working class master of like the manor well we should channel all of that experience and there must be some tips online on how to banish all of those bad nerves because sometimes butterflies can actually be good absolutely i think we should feed off our nerves we shouldn't be paralyzed by our nerves ah this is a guide it says nine steps to take when you're feeling nervous great okay great um so the first one here,

I almost want to discount. I feel like they've maybe got like four tips and they're like, oh. They're stretching them out a bit. Exactly. Let's beef it up. Nine's a bit weird anyway, isn't it? But yeah, I feel like this one.

Nine lives, Alice. Nine lives. We'll need all of them. Oh God, we will. Do you think it'll feel like the slowest hour and a half of our lives? It's an hour and a half. It's an hour and a half.

No interval either. Do people know what they've signed up for? Well, I'm concerned that I think an hour and a half is a long time for someone just to be sat in the same seat. As in us or the audience? Us. I don't care about the audience. Jamie's going to have a little walk around, you know, like people do on long haul flights. I'm just going to do my exercise. DVT, mate. You've got to self-protect.

So yeah, this first one, we can skim over, I think, because it just says breathe. Okay. Because we are in danger of forgetting to do that. So deep breaths, I assume. I guess so. Because you could maybe get like dizzy and a bit like heady if you don't, you know, use that air correctly, guys. Keep the oxygen flowing.

I mean, that feels like a filler tip if ever i've heard one well then so does this second one check your posture what i'm so nervous check your posture sit up straight i mean the only explanation for that is um when you're feeling insecure often we try to make ourselves appear smaller oh in the world we kind of scrunch into ourselves it's a classic scrunching but i am a hunch as it is like i do like to hunt it says so we hunch over james okay you're skipping ahead like you do with rocky absolutely do you often feel nervous in your day to day life yeah i think i do do you oh because you have the posture of like a 90 year old lady that sells baskets on the side of the road yeah i, I do. I caught myself in a window the other day.

I was like, who's that? Oh my God, that's me. I look like a turtle. It's got a shell on its back. My neck sticks out and my back's all hunched. I need to work on my posture. Well, basically, this tip's for you, James. So don't hunch.

Don't fold your arms. Don't let your eyes fall to the floor. That's a good thing for that, isn't it? Is it like when you put a book on your head and you balance it and you have to walk across the room? That's good for posture, isn't it? Like at finishing schools.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe we should do that in our dressing room before we perform. Why before? We've got an hour and a half to fill. Do that for 10 minutes at the top. Put Belinda Blinked on our heads. Brilliant, yeah.

That's lightweight. It's only about 10 pages long. Oh, that's true. And an e-book. Stick aed on our heads brilliant yeah that's lightweight it's only about 10 pages long oh that's true and an e-book just a just a kindle on our heads oh man right

I'm starting to realise that these nine tips are total bullshit so let's let's not dwell so far they all feel like the same tip well

breathe and stand up I mean these are basics you're going to be severely disappointed by this next one another incredibly easy yet effective way to use your body to get your brain to relax is smile.

Oh, for fuck's sake. That's not going to help, is it? I'll do anything, but I'll draw the line at smiling. It says here, it's one of the most powerful ways to not only enhance the moods of those around you, but to completely alter your mood in the process. Let's try it. right oh i don't really see alice smile very often now maybe less teeth i was gonna say there's a lot of teeth going

on i can't help how many teeth there are just slightly fewer gum what are you doing god is that your smile i do feel way better i do because i don't look like you so we need to smile okay next it'll immediately relax you and do you feel more relaxed after like you. So we need to smile. Okay, next. It'll immediately relax you. And do you feel more relaxed after that? Yeah. I'm trying to do everything. Just look a bit weird at the moment, don't we? Damien, you look like you've had surgery.

Thank you. Those cheekbones. I've got really, really big fat cheeks. But you look like you've had collagen lip implants when you do it. God, do I smile that rarely? Honestly, I've never seen any of the expressions around this table it hurts to sit straight is that i should see a doctor i think it's because we've wedged you by the radiator i don't think it's anything to do with your bone structure

that might be why um this i cannot wait to hear so um this is kind of that thing where in times of like fear or like stress you just gotta disassociate you gotta like take your mind to somewhere better and more positive yeah so this says remember a time when you felt really powerful oh toad of toad hall i was so powerful on that stage it's a powerful performance said the cheshire gazette alice you may mock but it was a talk of Cheshire. Was it really? Were there newspaper reviews? No, but my mum said that I was really good. I've heard differently from Wilma. Rocky couldn't attend.

Too busy writing porn, probably. I mean, powerful. I've lifted like a heavy box. Have you? Like, actually, have you like actually have you why are you suddenly the weediest man in england hunchback that's that's what it's from oh god i'm not bending my knees but that's when you felt powerful well i can't when when's yours i always feel exponentially more powerful once you two have left my house because you kind of zap that and zap that power. Well, we can go now, actually. These nine things are shit.

Okay, should I just rattle them off and we can just call bullshit? Okay, you ready? Yeah, can we sit through them? Yeah, okay. Accept it, don't fight it. I've heard that before.

Is that about these nine things? Okay, discounting that. Ask yourself these questions. You ready? Yeah. What is the absolute worst case scenario? That we destroy a brand that we've been building for two and a half years. Fair point.

If that worst case scenario were to come true, would it be the end of the world? No. I'd see you two less and that can't be a good thing. Yeah, we'd all get our life back, to be fair. In five years' time, would you still be hating yourself for it? No more than he hates himself right now. Thank you. Would there be absolutely no lessons you could learn from it? We've not learned a single lesson. I mean I'm still reading my dad's porn to the world. I've learned nothing. This is the question I really want you to answer Jamie.

Would it just completely annihilate your life? Who wrote this? Did you write this? Even Rocky wouldn't put his name to this okay i think what this has taught us is that we're not ready i apologize to everyone who's going to be coming to our live shows there were free tickets though weren't they i fear not do you know what i think if we're just ourselves it'll be fine do you think no but they've already bought the tickets they paid this is true there is no returns policy. That is your best prep. Boom!

Done.