My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Michael Sheen

Episode Date: October 20, 2016

Star of stage and screen (and general lovely man) Michael Sheen sits down with the gang to talk about his father's own unusual career and how he thinks Flintstone is the new Shakespeare... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. I've got James and Alice with me. Hello. Hi. Hi, guys. And today we are joined by one of our greatest actors. You know, he's the star of The Queen, Midnight in Paris, Frost Nixon, masses of sex. But I think we'll all agree his greatest role is that of a fully-fledged belinker.

It's Michael Sheen. Hello. Hello, hello, hello. This is so nice. you oh you went all serious when when you said hello oh hello hello it was like university challenge did you not get the memo we were all supposed to do a really this the whole thing is supposed to be serious it's just gone awry with every other episode i'm very awry rocky intended it to be serious that's the worst thing well yeah

do you think he really did not in any way intended to be funny having had conversations with him since no honestly and he's like what did you think of this and we're like mental genuinely mental now this is a question i wanted to ask you did he write book two after the podcast had started no so he wrote before yeah so he wrote four books before because i would have sworn that Did he write book two after the podcast had started? No. It was before. Yeah, so he wrote four books before. Because I would have sworn that he was now writing influenced by the podcast. Oh, do you think? I'm sure that Jim Sterling clickhanger is as a result of everything you said in the first book.

But it's not. No. Well, he kind of, when he first sent me the book, or the pages, I should say, of the first three chapters. The tattered pages. Yeah. I was like, okay, it's great. Write it. And he's like, I've already written four. By the time it took me to read the three chapters, he'd written four books.

So he's very much written them. He's like, I can't wait around for your approval. They're written. He's like the prince of erotic fiction. He really is. He's just knocking them out. It's like the Mozart. He's a vessel from the heavens. He's a prodigy. He really is. It's like the Mozart. He's a vessel from the heavens.

He's a prodigy. He really is. It does feel like that. Because a vessel suggests you have no input. And it does just kind of fall out of his body. Dribbles out of him. It comes through him like a terrible case of the trice. It really does.

That's the best analogy so far. That's very accurate. It doesn't even touch the sides. It really doesn't. But yeah, there's four pure, we call them the pure books. Yeah, yeah. The untouched books. It's like in hundreds or thousands of years time

when people have created a religion around it, they'll be looking back and be talking about the four pure and then the apocryphal. This is the Old Testament. The Belinda Blinked Apocrypha. But these four pure ones, this is what they base the inner circle of the religion around. So how did you first discover the podcast? I was trying to think about this because I anticipated that you would ask me that.

Oh, really? You bought it on Kindle, didn't you? I did. You came to it before the podcast. No, I wish. You are a lover of literature, so. I was wandering past a gazebo. Am I not just a man scribbling furiously? And I thought, I wish. You are a lover of literature, so. I was wandering past a gazebo. Am I not just a man scribbling furiously?

And I thought I wonder. No, I think it was one of your guests, one of your previous guests on Twitter. I think it was Rachel Bloom. Right. Who I heard on another podcast called Script Notes, which is about screenwriting. Yes. And they do a thing at the end, which is one cool thing thing and her one cool thing when she was a guest on it was this oh that sounds that sounds interesting that sounds ridiculous listen to that anything well

anything to do with your dad doing something that is embarrassing because i feel like we have a connection oh okay go because my dad didn't write a porno But my dad For many years Was a professional Jack Nicholson lookalike Wow I mean what good If I had a pound For the number of times Someone had said that to me

But guys A professional At least So he was good Well he got paid Oh Yeah It started

When the first Tim Burton Batman film Came out And literally overnight And Jack Nicholson played the Joker, and overnight people started coming up to my dad in the street and going, you don't half look like that Jack Nicholson.

Oh my God. My dad didn't know who he was. My dad thought it was the golfer, Jack Nicholson. So it didn't really make much of it. And then, and it happened more, so you must have like just... Started wearing Pringle jumpers. Very loud trousers.

And then there was a big competition in the newspaper saying, do you look like the Joker? And my dad said, well, I think I should have a go at it. Everyone says I look like him, so I should have a try. So will you take some pictures of me? So I had to take photographs of him, and he sent them in, and he won the competition. And then when Batman was in our local cinema,

he got a job. His first paid job as Jack was to stand in the in the not in the joker outfit in the kind of the the pre-joker element like a hat and coat outside in the lobby of the cinema as if he was a statue and as because in those days there were still crowds outside coming in and as the queue came along every kind of five minutes you would jump out and shock him and then go back to it and apparently he said that um he saw down in the line a guy that he used to work with called dave something and he waited for dave and then he went dave smith

and uh and it frightened the shit out of him all right so that was how it started and then for years and years and years he was doing it now for, it did cause me quite a lot of embarrassment. So I feel like there is a slight connection there. I've only got myself to blame, though, really. I'm the one who's made this a thing. I could have just sat on this and never told anyone. It's true. Would have been embarrassing, but just for myself.

It's sort of like therapy, though. It really is. It's group therapy. If you hadn't have done this podcast, you'd have been on top of Tesco's with a gun. Absolutely. Picking off stragglers. Thank God. I think we all, off stragglers. Thank God. I think we all,

the world owes you. Thank God. And this podcast is great to do. Crisis averted. You're welcome, guys. Out of interest then, did you get teased

about him being Jack? No. No, this was, because I was already in drama school. Oh, fine. So it was quite late on. I thought I was 32.

Yeah. I wish I'd still been in school, but no, I was 21, I think. Okay okay so there was cool one yeah so i kind of liked it and was embarrassed by it at the same time has he met jack well he's had the opportunity to quite a few times a lot of people have got in touch with him and said we'd like to get you yeah step out onto the red carpet when jack is you know when jack's over for

a film in leicester and i remember my dad saying my dad was telling me this someone has been in touch Michael they want me to go and stand on the red carpet I said what are you going to do dad he said oh I don't know I don't know I'm going to have a think about it

I'm going to have a think about it and then I called him up the next week and I said have you decided dad he said yes yes I'm not doing it it's Jack's night she's very sweet

so nice very sweet oh I don't want to spoil it for him but he's done a lot of that kind of thing. So he's kind of the preeminent Jack Nicholson lookalike in the world. He doesn't do it so much anymore. And there was an American one who was very good as well.

His kind of arch nemesis. But when my dad comes to visit me in America, he does love to go around with an L.A. Lakers hat on and sunglasses. And he hopes that no one will recognize it my mum is constantly having to go yes I'll take a picture of you just don't talk don't talk I really want to see a picture of your dad now google it you can google Myrick Sheen Myrick Sheen M-E-Y-R-I-C-K Sheen and it will come up. There he is. There you go. That is very good, actually. I have to say.

This picture has got them alongside each other. So you've got to tell which is which. He got headshots and everything. He did it properly. Oh, my. Funnily enough, when I was still at drama school, my dad was down in London doing a job. No idea who the real one is.

Generally don't know. Is he a sportsman? He reads East Midlands today i think wonderful and i came down to meet him he was doing some job somewhere a jack job and uh and i met him and he said uh oh tomorrow i have to go into my agents uh whilst i'm down here in london uh i said do you want to come with me and i said yeah all right so i went in with him and i was just sort of sitting there whilst he was doing whatever he had to do. And by the end of it, I could see the agent looking at me.

And I realized, of course, lookalike agents see the whole world through the possibility of who you could be. You were being scouted. Yeah. And as I was leaving, she just went, James Dean. Which was, you know, flattering. Yes. But still. Well, no, I don't think so.

He's been dead for 17 years. Yeah. Yeah. Post car crash, James Dean. Well, flattering that he's been dead for 17 years. Yeah, yeah. Post-car crash James Dean. Not much call for her. Yeah. And then just the other day, for some reason, you know like when on Twitter they suggest people you can follow and stuff?

The agent suggested. No. Yeah. So I followed her and then I got a message from her just like yesterday going, oh, how lovely to hear from you, Michael. We haven't found you any work. We've still got James Dean on the go. She said, if you want to do some James Dean.

This was like last week. Oh my God, brilliant. So good. And I presume you are. Of course, yeah. That's why I'm here. That's what you were in town for. I'm not just here for the Cheshire One Act Festival.

Oh. You'll have to fight Jamie for that award. Honestly, I can't wait to go back. Actors like us, Jamie. It's a dog's life, isn't it? It really is. We're huffers, you and I. I mean, it's all right.

I came over VIP on the plane. Oh, I'm very much. Cheshire One Act Festival paid for it. I was very lucky. Did you find B1 or B2? I was in B3. Of course you were. I was.

With who? Me and both pilots isn't that amazing I'm going looking for the spiral staircase oh my goodness I imagine it to be you know like

beautiful antique fretwork it's not going to be practical it'll be ornate obviously when I did Frost Nixon and we did the we did the scene on the aeroplane

I'm sure they had a spiral staircase in the aeroplane really? come on yeah in the 70s i reckon they did they had spiral staircase oh well that was the last time my dad traveled it does feel like all the the books both books do feel like they're set in the 70s yeah and then

suddenly it just takes a real swerve and someone's cervix gets grabbed yeah or anytime you say the word tits i have to say i just go no not that there's anything wrong with it but i want to hear breasts yeah boobs yeah even a boob um so we're coming to the end of book two and hasn't it been long oh god i mean i feel like we've been doing book two forever what did you say when you arrived what were you doing before you came in so i got here a little bit early and i've been catching up and um so i just listened to the last episode, which was the Texas USA episode. And there was still about 15 minutes to go. So I thought, I'm not going in until I've heard this. And so I went walking.

It's black as pitch out there and cold. And I went walking. It's not a nice neighborhood either, James. No, I know. It's very sketchy around here, clearly. I don't know who you're hanging out with. And I went walking. It's not a nice neighbourhood either, James' neighbourhood. No, I know. It's very sketchy around here, clearly. I don't know who you're hanging out with. And I went walking, like, for miles, listening. And then just as I was coming back, I timed it so I would come back just in time.

And as I got halfway up your road, it got to the end and the cliffhanger and Belinda's crying and Jimmy's like... And I just, I screamed in the middle of the road. I don't mind telling you. I did a girly scream in the middle of the road. I don't mind telling you. I did a girly scream in the middle of the road. Yeah. Oh, my. Sorry. Sorry.

And so when I got to the door, my heart was still pumping when I was saying hello to you. You were buzzed. I was on a buzz. I've never said, but the road parallel to this one is called Perv's Road. Is it? Yeah. So you were walking down pervs road i did actually walk down pervs road and i was worried because i for one because there are a lot of people coming

from the tube station there's a tube station on the other side and there were a lot of people walking up from the tube excellent transport links very good and uh and so i was doing a weird thing because i wasn't actually going anywhere so i was walking like down the road a little bit and then coming back down and i think women coming from the tube station thought I was a perv like following them textbook perv behavior especially in that Helga jumper you've got there how dare you how very dare you it's about 20 degrees outside and I would say that's I mean that's like arctic wear it is even for me I mean I can't talk I'm stripping it. I've only got a black thong on and a little bit of red piping. You keep that right where it is.

That's fine. I do want to ask about the time thing a bit. Because how long have you actually been doing these podcasts in real lifetime? In real life? A year. Yeah. We celebrated our year birthday about two days ago. Right.

But in the story, it's four weeks has passed. Yeah, she hasn't even been paid yet. She hasn't been paid once. None of it's worth it. She's just living on her redundancy from her last job. It's so peculiar that it's all happened so quickly. It's so unusual. I kind of want, I sort of, because I know you've asked,

I'm going to preempt questions here. I know you're going to ask where you want the story to go because I've heard you saying that to other people. So predictable. So let's not mess around how was it being in star wars we just ask all the same questions should we just leave you here with a mic yeah do a monologue and we'll go because i want to see belinda in different time periods i want to see her in like victorian times and like jane austen times and i can so maybe though yes i really do yeah. I think it would be amazing to see how she deals with all that. Belinda in the Regency period.

Yeah. So maybe she can like, because there is an element of Bond, I think. Very much. A huge influence of Linda. The exotic, right. I figured, because that's the 70s. Roger Moore must have been involved. It's Octopus Seat.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe a bit Moonraker. So I feel like at some point, Belinda will be led into a room at Steeles Pots and Pans, and it will be like the equivalent of Q. Oh. And they've been working on a time machine, and off Belinda goes. This is a genius.

I mean, I loved when he got all Tarantino, and we went back to the barbecue, and we were seeing... It's like when John Travolta comes out of the bathroom in Pulp Fiction I mean you I know I think you underestimate

what Rocky is actually up to here what I'm quite agitated about is the fact that we're getting to the end of book two and literally nothing has happened

she's gone to like finalise deals that she'd already done in book one she's made no business progress as far as I'm concerned Jamie's shaking his head do you know this is where i feel i have to defend my father because

you know he has got a long and admittedly checkered history in business but i do think that he knows what he's talking about james you've never worked in business one of the chapters was her getting in a car yes walking into a building and walking into a meeting room that was a chapter you know there was an award-winning novel that was just, the entire novel was the space of time it took for a man to come down an escalator.

No. So, it's like Andy Warhol's movie Empire. Indeed. Just a shot of the Empire State Building for like 10 hours or whatever. Yeah. We're talking high art.

Yeah. That's not music. You just don't know. You can't see it, James. It's not our problem. Alice, back me up here. I don't know. They've got a really strong argument.

She's such a turncoat. Talking of the classics, I think there is an argument to be made that there are similarities between your father's work and Hamlet. Hear me out. I'm'm just gonna let you speak what a deep breath that was uh so there have been some great works of literature uh theatrical literature such as hamlet such as look back in anger by john osborne that were written in a in a rush in a feverish rush right um john osborne apparently wrote look back in anger in a rush, in a feverish rush. Right, okay. John Osborne apparently wrote Law, Pack and Anger in a week.

It just poured out. Hamlet, I believe, Shakespeare wrote in a kind of a frenzy. And it's almost like they put so much into it so quickly that they're not in control of what goes in there. So people have talked about Hamlet. T.S. Eliot, the famous poet,

once criticised Hamlet as being certainly a failure of a play because technically it doesn't hold together. The timelines are all messed up.S. Eliot, the famous poet, once criticized Hamlet as being certainly a failure of a play because technically it doesn't hold together. The timelines are all messed up. Oh. Does that ring a bell? Yes. Things seem to take much longer than they actually do in real time or shorter.

You're never quite sure of the geography of anywhere. It's all a bit like a dream. Does that ring a bell? Does that ring a bell? Oh, my God. And there are certain moments in it where you question the reality of what's going on, even. So I would like to say that I think, you know, Rocky does write these very quickly, we know. People tend to underestimate the power of the work.

But I believe great pieces of literature have been written in this way. Have you just compared Rocky to Shakespeare? Yes, I have. Wow. But, James, both pieces have got iconic lines, to be or not to be, and the flesh of mankind. The flesh of mankind. Oh, what a piece of work is man, and the flesh of mankind.

I mean, it could be, if you said to someone, where does the flesh of mankind come from? I bet one out of three would say Hamlet. That's got a taste of Hamlet. I don't want to walk into museums in years to come and like the flesh of mankind is written on the wall in like italic writing this is my greatest fear that actually it's a genuine piece of literature a milestone of the medium if i'm terrified yeah if frederico fellini the great italian master filmmaker was still alive he would do such an extraordinary job of this film.

Do you know what? Eight and a half is similar. Yeah. Michael, you have to stop. I can't. I can't stop. It's like a cross between Fellini and Lynch. You're only encouraging him.

With some Lindsay Anderson thrown in. I can't stop. It's just delicious. And just a touch of Tommy Wiseau. Something else that I do love about this show that occurred to me earlier on

was that I love how outraged you get Alice because I'm like that I love the fact that one episode of this ended

with you just going fuck off that was the greatest end to anything I've ever heard I do get absolutely furious but I think with ground.

That's what she says to us every time we stop recording. She's like, fuck, I'm going home. What another waste of a fucking evening. Alice is such a Bella, she is. She's the Bella of our group. I feel like after you spoke to

Muddy Ditch Middlemarch, Bella took a weird turn. I feel like you were influenced by him doing his Essex girl thing and now Bella has just Her voice completely changed Well I enjoy kind of disassociating as much as I can from the book

so me kind of creating different personas takes it even further away from dad so that's kind of my rationale but also I am terrible at accents as you know And yet very confident about going into them on the podcast. Is that Cheshire One Night Festival? It lives with me.

I see a bit of my dad in you. Oh, God. Do you see Jamie as a father figure? I do. It's so weird. It's like a weird circle. I do. You're like my mother and father and my weird uncle.

Can I quickly ask about the Cheshire One Night... One Act. One Act. The Cheshire One Night Stand? That's a whole other anecdote. It's a week-long engagement, thank you very much. My apologies. So that's where you won for what?

I didn't actually win. I was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role. Yes. For Toad of Toad Hall. Poop Poop. Poop Poop, exactly. And does it still run to this day? It does. I googled it afterwards. It does still run. Does it run? I'm, poop. Poop, poop, exactly. And does it still run to this day?

It does. I googled it afterwards. It does still run. Does it run? I'm there tomorrow. That's why I'm here. Michael, did you know? Do you not listen? Are you nommed

or are you doing the announcement? I'm not nommed yet. I dream of being nommed. The only way to be nommed is to go, Alice. They still talk about Jamie's Toad. Do they? I bet they do.

Is it like the fall? It's like at the end of any performance, if people like it, the whole audience go, pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all

the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. insurance mind your business my first line ever ever in anything ever was in the wizard of oz um i was farmer munchkin i had one line and it was zoom not a line not really a line yes it is i made it into a line i extended it to a line carriage return you're like yeah first line ever you owned it though that was nice I certainly did

they still talk about my zoom and Jamie's poop poop I mean it really is it's one for the ages you haven't gone back to it though Jamie funny that

I think this podcast has proved why I love that you did Toad of Toad Hall that was your last stage performance and then Porno Live that's your

no I very much left it in Manchester I heard you left it all on the stage I did I just I just couldn't continue I had to just walk away

and what about your your butcher in Oliver yeah that's talked about less but I feel like it's maybe a more cult performance this sounds quite

mainstream but mine was more of a you saying that Jamie sold out I don't know I just feel like sometimes you should hold out for the role that's meant for you

I'm just a whore for awards Right Clearly I too When I was very young Was in Oliver Go on This was before I'd

Made my mark on the theatrical world So I didn't play Oliver Or the Artful Dodger But I think that I mean they're obvious choices Yeah exactly Who wants to play those I interpreted the role of Dick

Excuse me Dick Wilkins Yes Betty Wilkes their obvious choices. Yeah, exactly. Who wants to play those? I interpreted the role of Dick. Excuse me? Dick Wilkins. Yes. Betty Wilkes. Betty Wilkes. Betty Wilkes does sound like she should be on Corrie. You said, I can't remember what you said.

You talked about Betty Wilkes and Vicky Woods as being something. I can't remember what reference you made to them. But I was thinking, surely it's Coronation Street. Betty Wilkes. Oh, no, we weren't allowed to watch the soaps as children. Parents are very against the soaps. I think Rocky could easily slip into

writing for Coriolis. Absolutely. At least Hollyoaks. Maybe Emmerdale. But definitely, he's definitely got it. He has the bill in him, I think. R.I.P. It's not on anymore.

Doctors? What about Doctors? The daytime one. Is that still on? What was the one that was set on the Costa del Sol? Oh, yeah. El Dorado. El Dorado. If daytime one. Is that still on? What was the one that was set on the Costa del Sol? Oh, yeah. El Dorado.

El Dorado. If only El Dorado was still going. Oh, my God, we should do that. Bring back El Dorado, written by Rocky Flintstone. Will you be in it? Absolutely. That's another thing about bloody Middlemarch Muddy Ditch, is that he took the part that I wanted to play.

Oh, God, did you want to be Dr. Robbins? Yes. Of course I did. Of course I did. Of course you did. With his girlish giggle and his hopping from one leg to the other. Someone sent us a clip from you in Twilight. I was going to say, I've already done it. No!

I've done it already. Yeah. So really, you can't be typecast. You can't play it again. Come on. I know. Well, I did think about it. Your career.

All right. If I can't play that, then how about Cedric? Oh, that's a great choice. I know. Well, I did think about it. Your career. Right, if I can't play that, then how about Cedric? Ah, that's a great choice. Thank you. We don't actually... Do we know Cedric's exact age? We don't. We just know he's...

No, he's in his 80s, isn't he? Oh, yeah. I think he should be like 200. Yeah. Those biblical people like the Fusiller. He's 580. He should be really, really old. Yeah, I think he was born BC.

I think that's fair to say, yeah. Yeah, BC4. Yeah. But he's challenging. He doesn't have a lot of dialogue, should be really really old yeah i think he was born bc i think that's fair to say yeah bc4 but he's challenging he doesn't have a lot of dialogue but he's a challenging role but it's a good character it's a great character i enjoy very scene stealing i think yeah even in this array of motley characters you in the lift i mean that could be your moment yeah that's your oscar moment definitely definitely i sort of imagine him like the creatures in Gringotts in Harry. Yes, very much so. Because I know that Forster's does feel like very Harry Potter, doesn't it?

Yeah. But it's all those little strange goblin-like creatures. Are they goblins? Are they goblins? I thought they are, yeah. So I sort of see Cedric like that. Why does everyone want to play older? Like Daisy wanted to play the Duchess.

Like Tony, maybe? It's a rubbish part, though, Tony. He didn't do anything. Who have you got for... Not that I'm saying I Tony he didn't do anything who have you got for not that I'm saying I want to play this but who have you got for Peter Rose

no one's claimed Peter we do need somebody for Peter though that feels confident doing sex scenes and to be fair like well I've done a lot

you've done a lot I have done a lot what are they like what is a sex scene like in a film well I've had a checkered career when it comes to sex scenes my first one ever

was at the Cheshire One Act Festival in 1989 in a production of Toad of Toad Hall Well, I've had a checkered career when it comes to sex scenes. My first one ever was... At the Cheshire One Act Festival. In 1989. In a production of Toad of Toad Hall. Me and Toad, no. My first one was with Stephen Fry in a film about Oscar Wilde. Wilde? Yeah, and it was very romantic.

There were billowing curtains, and I rode Stephen like a bucking bronco. That was my first taste, my first bite of the cherry. My second sex scene was with chocolate powder smeared all over my face. And I had to bark like a dog when I came. That was in a thing called Dirty Filthy Love where I played a man with OCD and Tourette's. So my first introduction to sex scenes was quite strange. I think deep end.

And then, of course, once I started doing Masters of Sex, then it was a sort of daily occurrence. But then it became more about watching other people doing sex scenes, which was a strange thing. Well, maybe you are really Alphonse, the voyeur. Maybe I am. Maybe. I love that we all went, ah, we knew there was something about it.

Belgian twang. Yeah, maybe, maybe I am. Because it is weird to watch people doing it. Belgian twang yeah maybe maybe I am because it is weird to watch people doing it because on the one hand you don't want to make them uncomfortable and usually in our show people who come people come in just for a day

who would normally on the bill God rest his soul would have just come in and been you know someone getting into a fight or whatever in the background in this they come in and been, you know, someone getting into a fight or whatever in the background. In this, they come in and either just masturbate or have sex. And it's weird. It's not the role.

It's just get some of the mood. It's the environment on set. And so we try to make sure that they feel as comfortable as possible. So you sort of try not to look and all that kind of stuff. But then after a while, you just get used to it. But surely you're not having real sex. No, but it's, you know, it gets close. It's intimate.

It's near as dammit. Yeah. Near as dammit. That's not a thing. If you have sex, near as dammit. So no. In season one, there was a whole storyline about how I worked with prostitutes and they would all masturbate with a glass dildo, which is actually what happened in real life.

And so all these actresses would have to, like, one after another, be in front of me pretending to simulate masturbation with a glass dildo yeah which is actually what happened in real life and so all these actresses would have to like one after another be in front of me pretending to simulate masturbation with a glass dildo now there's only so much you can simulate up to a point and then there was one young lady who she decided to go you have things called modesty patches the ladies have modesty patches the men have modesty pouches of course um this young lady decided that she was going to go without a modesty patch. But her scene involved her being on all fours. And me and Lizzie, who plays the other character, being sort of behind her. And, I mean, I could see daylight. You could see the stars.

It's true. You could see Belinda's cervix as a constellation. I could. Orion's belt. And I remember at that point, because we always have a closed set, so there's a minimum amount of people in the room. Yeah. And at a certain point, I remember looking at Lizzie and realising, we're just filming

porn. Yeah. That's what this is. I could feel that everyone was very uncomfortable. Because it's weirdly legitimised. Like, it's legit porn, which is even weirder because it's like we're all under this illusion that it's not but it is oh yeah i've been nominated for a golden world but i can still see afghanistan in there it was full on wow no matter how great a caliber of

actors you've got like alice and janny amazing it's still porn yeah exactly yeah but what does the patch usually cover then? Because there you'd have to have, I imagined it like a plaster. It's like, what do you call them? Like a sanitary towel. Like a sanitary towel, yeah. And it goes all the way round. And so it's a sort of flesh-coloured, large sanitary towel.

Who's making those? With a picture of Bambi on it or whatever. The Simpsons or something. And then the men, have a pouch Which is And I'll tell you What's difficult about the pouch Is that you You're supposed to put

Your full set in Set? How many pieces are there? Well you know You've got your cutlery And your knives and forks And you've got your stones Of course

And your stones And your What are the testicles of the hand? And you And then it's got a drawstring On the pouch So you have to get everything in And then you pull the drawstring Oh Jesus And then it keeps it all locked in there It's got a drawstring on the pouch. So you have to get everything in and then you pull the drawstring

and then it keeps it all locked in there. It's like a medieval money container. Exactly. Like a little leathery medieval merchant's pouch. Like the taxman would have for gold coins. Exactly. Yeah, like the sheriff's not in there. So you put your doubloons in there

and your hose and your doubloon and you tie that up. And then that keeps it all safe and supposedly there. But what tends to happen over time is that your doubloons work their way out. Oh, I bet. So you've got your hose still in there, fastened in. Everything's in different areas. But your doubloons are just bouncing around.

Oh, wow. That drawstring's not made for industry. I don't know why I've looked onto your eyes. I'm sorry. I've been very into it. I can't know why I've looked onto your eyes. I'm sorry. I've been very into it. I can't look anywhere else. Suddenly there was no one else in the room. But yeah, so that's how the pouch works.

Or doesn't. If I recall, I didn't ask, but thank you. Have you ever been turned on by Belinda Blink? I can't say I have, to be honest. Not in the actual thing. In my reveries afterwards, perhaps, possibly. In his rewriting of Belinda Pitchell. Yeah, exactly.

In my fan fiction that I write of it. Fan fiction is an extraordinary thing. Have people been doing that with this yet? Yeah, we've had some. Have you had it for the show? Well, not so much for the show, there may be, but for Twilight. Yeah, of course. Well, not so much for the show, there may be, but for Twilight.

Yeah, of course. My daughter takes great pleasure in making me read the fan fiction that is specifically about me, my character, Arrow, and Jamie Campbell Bower's character, Caius, just getting it on together. Oh, wow. She thinks it's hilarious. Well, I can imagine. Yeah. Because in this scenario

really you're like you're as rocky as Dejahmie no but the other parallel of course is that my daughter has grown up my dad is in a porno

yeah essentially I mean not that it is it's not a porno it's not but as far as do you want the viewers or not

alright it is a porno what are you doing here get your daughter in we don't want you anymore she's going to do a podcast like this herself in years to come. My dad's in a porno. We've got competition. Did your father have something traumatic happen to him early on in his life?

Did he accompany his mother to a gynecological exam of some kind? What a question. Is this your small talk yeah um everything revolves around gynecological exam no but his his his mixing up of like sexy sexy time and full-on gynecological medical stuff he doesn't really seem to know where the line is does he granny doesn't know about i'm sorry to bring your granny into this. As if it could be any worse. Yeah, well, I don't even want to think about it.

And my poor mother, she doesn't want to be dragged through all this. I mean, you know, it's 40 years of marriage. I thought Wilma has suffered enough. Hasn't she? She's torn the family apart. Yeah. Yeah. I sometimes think, though, their neighbours and things like that, do their neighbours know?

Well, Dad goes everywhere brandishing his business cards. Have you got one? I actually have one for you he gave me one he actually signed one for you oh has he signed one for anyone else a couple of people like waiters and stuff oh that's fine so it's limited edition he like signs the check and he goes i'll sign this as well um so so here it is this is for you have you seen one of these before no I haven't there you go so that is yours to keep oh my goodness

all of its contact details oh it really is you've got a direct line private number to the leather room for the benefit of the tape he's just turned it over I turned it around and there is the signature

on a very lithe young young, I'm going to guess, female body. She's very svelte, isn't she? A lot of rib on show. Look at those pomegranates. Look at those pomegranates. That's amazing. I'm going to get that laminated. Immediately.

Why? Why do you need it laminated? Never your mind. Never your mind. I mean, I've spent the last couple of weeks just ogling grey whale's penis, to be honest. It's a shocker, isn't it? Oh, I've got a lot of running out of that. I just like to thrust a picture of it in someone's face and go, what's that? What's that?

I'll give you three guesses. What's that? Three, two, one, go. And most people go, grey whale penis. No, they don't. They do. They do. Who are you hanging around with? I know. It's terrible, isn't it? one go and they all most people go gray whale penis it's such a great way of like bringing pervs out of the closet what is this gray whale penis have you listened to my dad wrote a porno the other thing that i that i do to try and find out if people are you know dad wrote a porno cool yeah is Yeah. Is I'll whisper to them, my auntie is sick. The famous secret password,

was it to get into the brothel? Yes. And if they whisper back, and so are you. And I know we're cool. You get out the caviar, you grease up your lips. It's wild.

When I first started listening to it, it was during this season, this last season of Masters of Sex that I've been filming. Oh, yeah. Which I only finished last week. And so I would listen to it in my trailer of a morning, eating my breakfast.

After I'd been in hair and makeup, so I'd be in character as Bill Masters, and I would sit there and listen to Belinda Blink as I was eating my breakfast. Wow. Guff-falling, spitting bacon and scrambled egg onto the mirror in front of me. Any other converts on the set? Yeah, so I got Lizzie listening to it.

Great. And then Lizzie and Tom, Riley, her fiancé now. Oh, congratulations, guys. They started listening to it when they went on this trip uh when they had a bit of time off and now they're massive converts to it brilliant great thanks for spreading the word we we don't owe you any money do we no no no okay no i feel like i feel like an evangelist like i it's like paul going off and sending letters epistles to the corinthians i feel like this is the beginning of a religion someone tweeted the other day saying that they were on the tube.

What's that? The tube. What's that? It's a big kind of cylinder that transports all the plants. You've changed, Michael. I must try out something. He's the living end. Isn't he just? I came with a backpack, for God's sake.

And that wine was... No, but this girl was on the tube, got to the clit hanger, kind of went, oh my God. And the guy next to her tapped her on the shoulder and said, Jim Sterling, right? No! And she was like, yes.

And they had a conversation about Blender Blink. So it's actually bringing people together in a really weird way. God, it is like a religion. Like, there's a community. How many do you need? Because on the census, wasn't Jedi a religion? Is it 10,000, I think?

It's only 10,000, isn't it? 10,000 Belinkas. You could be a high priest, Michael. I was born for it. My great-great-grandfather was a street preacher in Port Talbot. He was a waster, drinker, gambler. He was lying in the gutter one night, and God spoke to him through the moon and told him to mend his ways

and from then on he became a street preacher Is that for real? That's in my genes So you could stand on streets, ringing a bell Preaching the word of Belinda Preaching the word of Flintstone Escape into a world of pots and pans Of make-believe

Well Michael, thank you so, so much for swinging by and talking all things Belinda with us yeah well Michael thank you so so much for swinging by and talking all things Belinda with us I want to thank you on behalf of myself and all the Belinkas oh for this

it's so wonderful you make me laugh so much all of you and it's so lovely to get to know you through the podcast and now to actually be here

yes it is as good as everyone imagines it would be out there it is wonderful to be in the warmth of the welcome in Belinda's bosom wonderful to be in the warmth of the welcome. In Belinda's bosom.

In Belinda, in the bosom of Belinda. Oh, I dream of it. Such a pleasure. A pleasure for us. Now, fuck off! Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without

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