My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Nicholas Hoult

Episode Date: August 3, 2017

Star of Mad Max: Fury Road, A Single Man, the X-Men movies, and more, Nicholas Hoult joins the gang in Montreal to talk weird flats, hen parties and the cast of 'Belinda Blinked: The Movie'... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Pawn of the Footnotes. This week we've flown all the way to Montreal, Canada to record with our very special guest who is the star of such films as About A Boy X-Men A Single Man and Mad Max Fury Road it's Nicholas Holt huge applause all around you the crowd goes wild

we'll add that in yeah we've got some lovely canned actually just laughter so that might sound like everyone is mocking you just someone in the background

we thought you were working today so we felt bad that we'd sort of dragged you from work, but you were like, no, no, no, I was spending a lovely day with my family and I had to come back for this. Yeah, I was. I was with my family and I thought, you know,

leave them, get the priorities right. Do you know what I mean? Drive back here and get on the show. How did you explain it to them then? Well, I was kind of breaking it down. I do listen to a lot of podcasts and then I was breaking this one down in terms of what it's i do i do listen to a lot of podcasts um and then i was breaking this one down in terms of what it's about my mum thought the the concept was hilarious but

she hasn't listened yet um yet i'm sure she will be yet now because she's my biggest fan everything i do is brilliant oh maybe maybe not this one well you know maybe we'll get the book and act it out at christmas i don't know why i said that i'm nervous that's funny that's actually what we do in our family um how much do you want to go to the whole family christmas now i'm like they are insane yes um you brought with you um some chardonnay thank you for that but you also brought all the ingredients for blue cheese fish mousse yes one of my favorite meals well you say all the ingredients yeah talk us through your okay so uh i brought some it's actually crab flavored alaskan pollock it's a part of a balanced diet disgusting well yeah but i thought it was either that or like

some raw salmon or something which i thought would be inappropriate yeah that's mental yeah uh blue cheese amazing yeah you can't go wrong with that and then there wasn't any mousse so i just brought some vanilla yoghurts. Which we will tuck into later. Because they did actually look quite tasty. We can actually maybe dive into them a bit later on. That isn't a bad shout. Those sweet X-Men Benjamins really paying off.

I'm living the life. That's all I can say. You said this is a long time coming. It has been a long time coming. Yeah. I first spoke to you guys, when was it, last year? About eight years ago. It was a long time ago it has been a long time coming yeah when i spoke i first spoke to you guys when was it last about eight years ago it was a long time ago it was a long time you were in about a boy yeah you just wrapped and i was like i i feel like there's going to be something in the future that's big and i need to be part of it somewhere someone's dad is writing

terrible erotica and i'm going to be a part of it i do have a question so now is he writing for demand now for you guys to carry on the show or is he how many books are there stored up okay for a start there's no demand no one wants there is well i don't know um he is continuing to write we can't legally stop him from doing that we have checked but um he wrote four books within the space of about three weeks. If that prolific. Unbelievable. Do you know what I mean? Like Shakespeare-esque.

You can tell. Yeah, you can tell. So we're quite excited to get to the point where we're reading stuff that he thinks is funny. If we ever get there, I don't know. Yeah, because these weren't intentionally funny. Although I think he would now say that they were intentionally funny. He's trying to save face a lot, my dad. He's like, you don't get it, James.

It's supposed to be microwave mulled wine. Yes, but on accent right there as well. Thank you very much. I can't believe I'm seeing the accents in person. The Yorkshire one from the last episode was perfect as well. Oh, thanks. They've actually improved a hell of a lot since the first. Not that they were terrible.

Right. What was the worst for you? Obviously Bella's awful, but you just, that's not so much. Some of the American ones started out pretty terrible. Right. What was the worst for you? Obviously Bella's awful, but you just... Some of the American ones started out pretty bad. Yeah. They're not regionally specific, are they? They're just, like, generic-an. Yeah.

But then I... I mean, I'm really getting used to them and I'm finding each character identifiable and... Oh, thanks. It's really good. Okay, thanks. From a bone. Keep up the good work.

Keep up the mediocre shit work yeah okay i will do um no i feel like the whole point of the accents is that they're supposed to be bad they're they're as shit as the books yeah so um that's my excuse no that makes sense okay makes sense yeah because if you try and elevate it with good accents it's not going to make sense exactly i mean it becomes too real exactly too vivid i mean he's the ultimate embarrassing dad but i feel like all dads are embarrassing innately like dads can't help being embarrassing but your dad's quite cool i feel like because he's a pilot yeah he doesn't he doesn't do a whole lot of embarrassing stuff or not i mean not publicly that we'd notice anyway he doesn't publish it

dad is basically hazel though oh my god oh my god you're done b3 i remember when i remember when you're talking about that episode because i remember i remember thinking like oh no they do have little sleeping areas have you seen them with your i haven't seen them i just know that they exist right okay for crews to go and sleep on are they up a spiral staircase oh actually we've established they are up a spiral yeah i saw the spiral staircase it was by an eyes yeah so you can confirm that like all of the actions of Hazel, they're verified? They're all legitimate.

Yeah. Very legitimate. You know, one thing I do want to bring up is how the books affected my opinion of being in lifts or elevators, as they say here. Because every time characters in these novels... Are we calling them novels? Using the word novels.

Every time they get in a lift, someone takes items of clothes off or they start banging on whatever it is instantly and now whenever I get in a lift and we just all travel together for the first time together I got in

why did you unbutton your blouse? I just unzipped a little bit and my palms started getting sweaty and I was like what happens now? and I'm intrigued to know you just rear up a bit like Chris did in that lift. I'm Nicholas and here's my ass. Anytime anyone says I'm Christina, I go, and here's my ass.

It's the polite thing to do. Exactly. There are lots of real life scenarios that I feel like these books have ruined. This is something I did want to talk about because he's obviously influenced a lot by things that happened to him. And I've done a job where I did play an author. and I think I'm going to do another one playing an author. And they kind of always stem from like what happens in their real life becomes part of their creative. Artimitating life. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So I'm wondering, there must be a few bouncing points. Bouncing points? Okay, interesting. It can't all be from imagination. There's got to be be because i was thinking about that titanic rivets thing there's obviously elements of him that's obviously a fact that he learned that was interesting and then he translated it into a nipple thing even though it didn't work yeah that was like engineering wise something he liked yes and an interesting

fact so then he was like all these little bits yeah he wants to get in delve into it more right we could discover a lot more about him so it's all been extrapolated from something yeah so that i hear what you're saying actually so maybe all of the sex things are from him well i'm not i don't want to say it i think no because people aren't picasso drawings and you can't actually do half the things that you said you can do you can't grab a cervix. Not possible. There'll have been some kinky things that he's done. Do you know what?

We're three seasons in. We're nearly at the end. Let's not talk about it. I came here to talk about it. I haven't come to this hotel room not to talk about it. You left your own father to come and talk about my father's sex life. Nicholas, take your hands off each other. Anyway, so the last chapter was very interesting. yeah ken juicebury cellar which was obviously awful have you ever lived in any awful flats or any shit ever shared any flats with mental people um i lived in a house here actually that was a really fun house but it was used for like russian

reality tv sure one of those like, not whilst I was there. Had cameras in it? No, I don't think so. Not whilst I was there. So it was like, it kind of looked flashy, but it was all kind of falling apart and a little bit dirty. And there were like swings. Like a sex swing?

Yeah. What? Oh, wow. There was like a jacuzzi, but everything was a little bit sticky. Oh my God. And it was really fun. As like for a party, you'd be like, everyone come round, like wee. Yeah. But then when you like woke up on your own there, you'd be like everyone come around like yeah but then when you like woke up on your own there you'd be like oh this is so sad this place is horrible i've got

to clean the sex swing oh god who did you live there with just on my own that's really well i had a life-size leopard called larry as well okay what real stuff no sorry yeah cuddly toy that's made it a bit sadder for me is it it was just you and Larry and me and Larry sitting there

when you invite people around you're like it'll be me and Larry and then people get there and they're like oh my god he's done it again every time

it's been great actually the travelling with the book yeah Belgium Amsterdam Texas USA Texas was a highlight wasn't it on that weird ranch what was it called It's great, actually, the travelling with the book. Yeah. Belgium, Amsterdam. Yeah. Texas, USA. Texas was a highlight, wasn't it?

On that weird ranch. What was it called? The Lazy P Ranch. Lazy P. And was P meant to mean penis? Oh. The Lazy Penis Ranch, though. That doesn't sound great, does it?

The Lethargic Penis Ranch. I don't know. I don't know. Leave me alone. Shut up. I was speaking to a friend about it earlier, and we're still a little lost on when

when it's set right yeah maybe we've missed a few key things but tell us when you think it's set

I was feeling 80s with glimpses of the future occasionally when Rocky gets a bit bored he just kind of jumps the future not the present

the future yeah like jumps 80s with glimpses of the future is genuinely the description I would give to this hotel room. This is coming back around.

Okay, so you think that it's a fictional time, like it's 80s, but with... Well, there are fax machines that is the Millennium Dome building. Oh, the Millennium Dome when they had all the pans underneath the chairs. It was absolutely brilliant. You worked out the expenditure of that right we did yeah six hundred thousand pounds yeah but money well spent i mean what what a trick it's just the fact that if this ever gets made when this gets made thank you to see whoever plays belinda walking out onto stage and the crowd going wild and recapturing that is going to be

magical because the o2 is big and it's not yeah 20 000 people yeah what do you think about the book so far this three yeah not as crazy it's it's not as crazy he's actually gone back to well as you said in the podcast he's kind of went back to the tried and tested platform didn't he kind of repeated exactly what worked from the first one it's essentially changed a few words words and then just plonked it right out of you so it's perfect it's what people want isn't it? Have you ever thought about doing that with a performance?

You're like that one worked last time I'll just tweak that a bit and change the voice Every single time Exactly the same again don't even change the voice Mad Max did well didn't it? Let's do it again Just put that into any other world Are we going to see a beast-like form in this author role?

You're like, I think that's going to work. I think it'll work. Why not? Who are some of your favourite characters? I mean, Belinda would be up there. Really? Yeah, she's a great character. You're the first person that's ever said that.

But I think if I was choosing a character to play, I would go for Adam. Adam? Really? Yeah. Can I just just say he's already casting himself like you'll have to put yourself on tape yeah i'm gonna i've already spoken to my agents about it we're in the process adam i just thought that was a nice little twist that one where he's like he's in the shop everything seems normally he's kind of a little bit judgmental and like whatever chilling and you're like oh cool let's this guy seems all right and

then suddenly he's like a thong like just part of it but then you never see him again so you get all these like side characters that come in and you see a crazy little glimpse of their world but then they're gone and you never see him again i mean this with all due respect but do you feel like you've got the range probably not up to what we just said about just doing everything the same I mean it's a brave thing to take on with the thong as well

yeah I'm ready for it but you've done sex scenes before so are they really are they super awkward like how are people going to get to grits

with doing this movie they can be awkward they're very technical normally is it like left arm here right leg there I'm going to put this there there might be

rough geography so that they if you're going to be bouncing around the room so that they can light it. Sorry, I meant in films, not in normal life. I'm going to draw a little schedule out. I'm like, right, so 10.15, we'll make a start when you hear the whistle or air horn.

The whistle? I don't know. Some gladiators. You will go on my fast you you are john anderson oh my god i was really waiting to see what you said after 10 15 i'm like how honest are you gonna be you're like 10 17 17 tears commence oh god i'm getting so hot it's beautiful just not right and then there's that thing where you're like

that's all well and good but then you've got like you know camera guy there and like a few other people going like I'll try that and move that a little bit

and then oh tuck that away and then there's that moment when they call cut and then you're with someone that you probably don't know that well

yeah and you're like oh sorry sorry sweetheart there's your cardi sorry heard there's penne arabbiata

for lunch that's the worst moment the cut moment when you're left there like full of shame in a room full of people you don't know that well so is lunch

your go to small talk after that always even in life he likes a cigarette he just goes turkey sandwich no cheese fish mousse

I've got the ingredients So you want to be Adam Want to be Not necessarily you're going to be but you want to be No, no, no Just throw my name in the mix Interestingly

Because Elijah's already got Youngish Man, right? He has, yeah Why would you want that? I thought that maybe you were doing a second choice Snapped that right up, didn't he? Yeah

But saying that you can still audition for Youngish Man If he's unavailable well he's not got the role if he accidentally gets injured just

before filming I don't know by a Nicholas Holt shaped fist that's going to go into his face well no like we haven't made any

you know hard and fast decisions actually you haven't made a single decision there must be one who's like a steadfast so you're like that's definitely

who the role is no we actually haven't Thomas Middleton and Michael Sheen both wanted to be There must be one who's like a steadfast, who you're like, that's definitely who the role is. No, we actually haven't. Thomas Middleditch and Michael Sheen both wanted to be Dr. Robbins, so... Who would you pick? Nick, what are you doing? It's too hard. I mean, who would you pick? I think they're both great.

Well, you're in an ensemble cast at the moment. I feel like we could transfer... We should have brought everyone along and got them to read, shouldn't we? Exactly. What, the X-Men crew? The X-Men crew. So from X-Men, who could we put into along and got them to read, shouldn't we? Exactly. What, the X-Men crew? The X-Men crew. So from X-Men, who could we put into the Belinda Blink saga, is what we're asking. You could put them all in somewhere, couldn't you?

So who could be who? I'm sure McAvoy would be down to play a role. I feel like he'd be a good Tony, actually, McAvoy. Really? What about the smallish man dressed in black? Alfie, yeah. Could be. How tall is he?

He's petite. I think he's 5'8". It's his. The role's his. It's generous. 5'8". It's his. The role's his. It's generous. 5'8". He's a good character actor. He's very dedicated to his craft.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he'll completely disappear. Exactly. He could play numerous roles, like in Split. Yeah, I was going to say Split. He could play lots of different characters. Exactly. You could make this like Split, where he plays all the roles.

Oh. We've always said Fassbender as Peter Rouse. Oh, yeah, perfect. Yeah? Yeah. He's not here here yet but when he comes great pitch him that would be fabulous

who else is in it Jennifer yeah Giselle Giselle blonde is she blonde at the moment she's not here yet

so I don't know yeah Belinda I love that that's your deal breaker you're like the hair colour's not right they can dye it they can get a wig

that's true they paint her blue for X-Men they can dye it they can get a wig that's true they paint her blue for X-Men for God's sake they could get a wig if you really want her they could get a wig get a wig it's easy

whatever we kind of want a Jennifer but she's got highlights so we're probably going to leave it it's just not going to work is it and we thought

the McAvoy was 5'8 he's 5'9 so fuck it built that McAvoy was 5'8 he's 5'9 so fuck it built all the sets for a 5'8 exactly to recast

I think that like no one right this is the thing no one's wanted to be Belinda yet would Jen I'll do it oh you want to do it

you've got a wig normally I've got a wig and normally that's quite good quite awards awards bait isn't it it is actually you've got any

red mane i'll do it oh in the danish girl yeah yeah because you do you do get all the awards don't you if you kind of um go off type way game way okay so really so you're going to change your role from adam to i'll do both i'd like them all yeah i'll do it all. I really need some work. I said I was filming X-Men. That's not true. I was fired. I'm still here. I can't get home.

And I just really need something. I love the idea that you've been pretending to go to work. You know, like men in the 50s just left for work with their briefcase and you've just been like, off to set, mum. Busy day. All that blue paint. Oh, my word. Every day just putting a bit of Byro on your cheek. Like, and it's off.

The one thing that we did discover at the end of the last episode is that we are going on Giselle's hen do next episode. Not excited? I've been on a hen do once. What? You went on a hen do? Well, no, this is... I don't know if I should get into this story.

I feel like it's... It was a bit of a weird one where I was in LA and then I got a phone call from a friend and they were like, what are you doing? And this was when I was 19. I was literally sitting in my hotel room reading scripts and they were like, I'm going out with a few friends if you want to join.

And I was like, okay. And they said meet at the Saddle Ranch. You know the Saddle Ranch on Sunset? Oh, yeah. We know it well. Like a Texan cowboy themed bar with like a mechanical ball it's the lazy pea ranch really i walked in i was like and then and then i looked and there was a

table with a hendo cock paraphernalia everywhere and i looked and i was like oh that's the group i'm meeting all these women all like mid-20s to mid-30s and i was 19 i was like oh boy i walked over and then, I won't go into the full story, but I was basically meat. Oh no. Right. Hang on, come on.

It was not what I expected. Hens are wild. Yeah, they are. They go absolutely crazy. Yeah. What do you mean you were meat? Well, I was like the only guy there.

I was also 19 years old and it was just like novelty for them, wasn't it? Were you torn limb from limb? Point where they touched you. Use the doll to identify the area anyway

wait okay it's a story for another time how many people did you kiss that night no I was actually very well behaved why did you just put your hand in the air

like that excuse me sir it was like it was like I was in court your honour no I was I was very well behaved okay

no you weren't no you so weren't I was I shouldn't go shady about it Why can't you go into the story if you're so well behaved Because all these people still exist and are alive Alive? I would hope so What kind of crazy man was I? It's only been eight years

Okay, one more question And then I'll leave it alone Were you fully clothed for the whole evening? Pretty much I'll leave it alone. Were you fully clothed for the whole evening? Pretty much. I'll give you this. There was a moment when we got in a car and we were travelling somewhere else and I was pinned down

and people were eating salt off of me. Salt? Not down there. From where? Your armpits? From my nipples. Oh no. What are you talking about?

I should never have come on air. Wait, eating salt, do you mean like because of shots, like tequila shots? Well, there weren't any shots in the car, so I'm not sure. Just all these dehydrated women like... I don't know what to tell you. I really don't. Oh, my. Oh, God. Anyway, so we're going on a hendo in the book. I don't know what to tell you I really don't oh my oh god

Nicholas anyway so we're going on a hendo in the book fantastic but I imagine it's going to be wilder than that if that's even possible

oh it must be yeah yeah I feel like Nicholas's body language has just totally changed I feel what's in that drink you're like

why have I told all my secrets I don't know I was like oh no anything else on your list of topics? Oh, yeah. Any more questions? Oh, yeah, because you've got everything written down in your phone.

Does he plan on writing any books that aren't Belinda Blinked? Or has he? Oh. He already has, hasn't he? I can see it on your face. He never stops writing. Yeah. And, yeah, I don't think Belinda Blinked is the only thing he's doing.

No, I think that my dad is, like, one of the most prolific writers of his generation, actually. And we don't give him enough credit. Quite Stephen King-esque. My dad's Stephen King-esque. No, you know what it should be? Because he says ish all the time. Stephen King-ish. It should be Stephen King-ish.

That is perfect. So he goes off on the slightly weird tangents occasionally. And you're like, this has nothing to do with the world that we're in. Stephen King's my dad's favourite author. Right, well that's the influence then. That's where the monster dick came from. That's where the monster-y things come from. That's where the weird symbols in the mud comes from.

Yeah. It's all adding up now. Old Steph King. Always rearing his ugly head. Old Steph King. I know. Yeah, he calls him Steph King. He thinks they're friends.

And he thinks Steph is the abbreviation of Stephen. Have any authors reached out to him no not yet have you guys had any offers to

genuinely to shoot the film or shoot like a weird softcore version of the film are you offering

is this an offer no yeah fuck it why not Nick's like when I say softcore I mean hardcore and when I say softcore I mean hardcore

and when I mean have people I mean me how much how much are the rights no but have you had anyone come to you

and be like hello we're interested we have we've had conversations yeah oh yeah I knew it

you want in you're kind of tied into playing the damn now for like a normal film version normal

stop pushing the soft core version. Or the hard core version. What are we talking here? Hornhub's been in touch, but so has Working Title. So we're going to find the first cover. A middle ground between both. Exactly. It was only a matter of time.

It's going to be beautiful. Starring Nicholas Holt as all the characters. Just imagine the value, the production value of it's going to be incredible. Look, the art direction is impeccable. Buffering is going to take an awful long time because it's going to be such high resolution. People are bouncing around the rooms. That's a man who's done a lot of buffering over there.

He's also done a lot of bouncing. He's like, 1080p, I don't think so. I don't have the bandwidth. I'll just say the preview. SD, goddammit. Nick's like, you can basically see what they're doing. I mean, it's a blurb or whatever. Can I just like put my computer way far from my face?

That's the same. Put my eye patch on. It's something going in something. It's fine. Put my eye patch on. Well, like if you just... Where would your novel be set? Porn be set?

Yeah. I don't know. I haven't ever thought about that before. Where's your sexy place? You know how Sherlock has his mind palace? Where's your sexy mind palace? I don't know. I don't know.

He totally knows. I don't. As if I've ever... I'm too busy with Rockies to think about my own erotica. You never think about your own erotica? Do you? I am now. I've thought about ever... I'm too busy with Rockies to think about my own erotica. You never think about your own erotica. Do you? I am now. I've thought about something and I'm...

Okay, so where's yours set? My one is set in a store. A store? I've literally come up with this upon asking the question because I was like, well, I've got to come up with something. It's weird because it's written in your phone. You didn't need to. It's weird.

Just spitballing here. So it's set in your phone. You didn't need to, to be honest. It's weird. Just spitballing here. So it's set in the future. Yeah. But in an Argos-like store. In Argos! Whereby, when you browse through the catalogue, depending on, you know, then you enter the code, and the back room is where...

It's kind of just like a futuristic brothel, I guess. What? I don't know. It's a work in progress. I'm thinking about it. It's either a futuristic brothel or it's just of just like a futuristic brothel I guess what you like I don't know it's a work in progress I'm thinking about it it's either a futuristic brothel or it's just Argos it's just Argos

you're just describing Argos you're like so what you do is you type in the number and there's some hair straighteners are brought out from the back look at that

it's just Argos and then the hair straighteners come out and you pay and you take them home it was a good day and maybe you kiss the lady they gave you the hair straighteners.

No, but hang on. Are you suggesting it's a catalogue with like things you can have done? Yeah. And then you go into the back room. Or people. Or you look through it and there's people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There can be anything in there. It depends on the category that you go through. That is literally a brothel. Yeah, I guess it is, isn't it? But with a menu. I've just described

an Argos-like brothel, which doesn't really work. Someone's going to steal that idea before this series is through. But it's a work in progress, you know. It's a starting spot. But imagine if that's what he's coming up with on the spot. Give him time. Honestly.

He'll read on his own. It's good because everyone knows Argos. They know how it works. It's relatable. There you go. Believable. Well, Nick, we did joke. Or maybe you weren't joking when you said

that you'll come on the footnotes if you get a signed Rocky mug. Yeah. Have I got one? I've brought you one oh yes oh my word there you go this is beautiful all the way from the uk he's made the o look like it's a little boob with a nipple oh my god he has what an absolute treat there you go he knows what he's doing that's amazing thank you i mean i think that panel will just come off next time you wash it.

I'm not going to wash it. I'm never going to wash it. In the style of Rocky, I will not wash it. And I got a kiss. You did get a kiss. Did you say it was specific for me? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? He is a big fan of yours. Oh, yeah. Thank you very much and say thank you to him as well. Oh, mate, you're welcome. It's absolutely a pleasure. You can say thank you to him.

He'll be listening. Thank you very much, Rocky. For all the good times. And the manual. And the bad times, clearly. Well, Nick, it's been amazing having you on the show. I want to thank you guys for having me on and for getting me through hard times.

Genuinely. Oh my God, he's crying. I've listened to you guys so much. And often I'll be sitting in the gym pretending to work out or whatever and then I'll get the giggles and I won't be able to try and lift the weight that I was trying to lift because you guys make me laugh. I appreciate that. Will it crush you?

Does it sometimes just like, you're like, no. I do that when I have really weirdly happy people because I walk around listening to it as well and I go shopping. And then I'll be like giggling to myself. And you can see people be like, what's he so happy about? But yeah, Nick,

you've been amazing. Thank you so much for joining us. No, thank you guys.