My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: No Such Thing As A Porno

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

It's a podcast mash-up as the gang chat to Dan Schreiber from the hugely popular podcast 'No Such Thing As A Fish'. Dan guides us through facts about Amsterdam, the red light district and vodka. Who knows - you might actually learn something... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys and welcome to this week's Footnotes episode. Just before we get to our guest this week, we have a little reminder for you. James. The campaign has begun. In earnest. To get Herb Alpert and the Teodora de Bras with Walk in the Black Forest into the charts. Now just to remind people where we first heard this. Chantelle sings it, is that right Jamie? Yeah, Chantelle sings it, the bald, kind of French

beautiful lady in the brothel. She was singing it, it was her second song, and it was one of Belinda's favourites. We're not completely sure how she was singing it, because the only version we found is without lyrics. Has no lyrics, I know, which we've discovered subsequently during this campaign. It's all I'm listening to, it's the song of my

summer. It is the song of the moment. It's 99p to download it. We just want you to download it. We don't even want it to go to the top of the charts. We just want it to go into the chart. We think that could be a massive lull. We want to confuse the hell out of the music industry. This will be a massive My Dad Wrote a Porno joke

that we can all be proud of, unlike Belinda Blinked. And now let's get to our chat with our guest hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porno the footnotes i'm here with james and alice hello hi hi guys and our guest this week is from one of our favorite podcasts no such thing as a fish hi dan schreiber hi thanks for having me this is so exciting this is so good we've had a lovely little chicken dinner haven't we yeah yeah nando's very excited are you not allowed to say that or no you said it now okay we treat you so well here yeah so dan is this the first time you've been asked to be on a podcast as a porn expert? No, I've spoken a lot about odd porn before, but not professionally. I have on stage.

I've done a talk on porno. Really? Well, because there's a lot of, if you go on Kindle, there's a lot of books that are kind of similar to Rocky Flintstone, Belinda Blink style stuff. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. So I read one called Taken by the T-Rex, which is a, that's an amazing one. You can, it's all about a lady sleeping with a T-Rex.

Wow. Okay. And then there's Taken by the Pterodactyl, which is a sequel. And there's a lot of, yeah, Bigfoot's Bitch was one that I read as well. I think we found series three, everybody. Yeah. It sounds amazing. It's amazing, yeah.

If you go on Kindle and just look into Monster Erotica, you will be blown away. It's a plethora. Yeah, and there was one book, this is how I got into it. Someone told me about the only modern human sex with Neanderthal book out there. It's the only one where modern humans... How is it the only one? There's such a big market. It's such a huge market, right?

If Rocky hears this, he'd be like, not for long. And so the idea behind this book was that it just came out and people who did anthropology passed it around going, oh, look at this. It's the only book on the market. And then people started to notice years later that certain things that were predicted in the book about what Neanderthals did started being proved to be true within science. So now she's known, the author is the poor Nostradamus, and she's predicted five things that have since

come true about our knowledge about neanderthals so it's an amazing and no one knows who she is she wrote it anonymously this sounds so like rocky do you think in like 10 years time there'll be a peak in pots and pans sales in belgium and we'll be like rocky predicted that exactly yeah not appreciated in his lifetime we do sometimes think that about him i thought i agree i think he's a genius your dad's a genius i want to say that thank you very much i'll pass that on public you can't retract that now you know that oh no i will never retract that it's out there dan so we've asked you to come on in your capacity as uh a fact man yeah we're going to play our own little version of no such thing as a fish no such thing as a porno i wish unfortunately there is no such thing as a porno working title yeah um and if people aren't aware of your show yeah maybe just

give a quick rundown of what it's all about it's kind of the same as yours except we don't have a porno book to shame to read each week it is a shame but i think i think we'd have a much better show if we had that we uh it's me and three other uh qi writers we all work on the tv show qi we sit around each week and we just tell each other the best thing we found out that week that's that's literally the premise of it and we just chat it through and it's just hanging out with friends it's literally what you guys do and it's so good you should totally check it out if you haven't already even though i'm sure everyone's a mad fan because i just say it's pretty much this show without porn yeah again we could start fact i mean it does have something where the porn is missing

you're not just this minus porn something is filling the void yeah you're doing the best fact we've got the worst fiction what a great marriage this is we should do a collab we really should yeah um yeah so in that spirit we have got you you to research some facts for us based on the last chapter, or the last few chapters really, Belinda's exploits in Amsterdam. Because basically we don't get anything factual from Rocky. Exactly. It's all conjecture and often just like fatuous. There's nothing to be gleaned from it. Yeah. And I think often it's very misleading and potentially dangerous.

And libelous, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah exactly so uh jamie what's our first topic our first topic is the red light district of amsterdam of course because we have just seen belinda in that rather interesting window ripe for the picking okay so uh i looked into it in quite a lot of detail which was a very embarrassing search in my office i was gonna say clear history clear history your fiancee must be thrilled i know she there was a lot of questions particularly when i got to uh a later subject which is threesomes uh that was yeah that didn't go down guys that's coming but uh so yeah so i was looking into it um one of the things i found out is that a couple years ago um two twins uh retired from

being prostitutes in the red light district and they are the uh oldest prostitutes that were ever around there they they retired in their 70s yeah so this is a couple years ago so this is retiring after 50 years according to them they've had over 355 000 customers what yeah if you combine their score uh that's what don't call it a score good point yeah yeah i retract that um it's not a game of bingo it's a full house there's more than a full house so yeah so they've they've retired um they've said mainly due to arthritis and so they hadn't had their fill it was purely ill health yeah just yeah it was it's they said it it made making certain positions that they were being asked for difficult so they thought no let's let's call quits now quit while you're ahead yeah all right pinky promise gotta do it Pinky promise. Gotta do it. Gotta do it.

Jinks, super jinks. I imagine there's not a pension scheme with their line of work. What are they doing now? Well, they're making a documentary about their life.

And so what's really interesting is their name because the documentary uses their surname in the title. So it turns out their surname is Fokken. No.

Come on. Now, okay. So I don't, I can't find anything to suggest that it's a pseudonym that they've brought in because Fokken is No. Come on. Now, okay, so I don't, I can't find anything to suggest that it's a pseudonym that they've brought in because Fokken is a Dutch word. They use it. Oh, sure it is. Yeah, I know what it means as well, sweetheart.

So weirdly, it does mean to breed with or to breed, not to breed with, to breed. To fuck. Well, yeah, I guess. I don't know. It's. Fokken, that is so funny. We asked you to get facts. Don't just write shit down there and read it out.

I swear to God. I was lucky I emailed you. So it's two sisters, the fucking sisters. One is called Louise, I think. Sorry if I've got that wrong, fuckins. And the other I can't remember. Everyone always forgets the other fuckin'. Imagine being the other fuckin'.

So they are making a documentary called Meet the Fuckins, and that's their life story. Oh my God, this is gold. But fucking is a word there. So they're the fucking sisters, and they're making a documentary. And they've fucked their way all over Amsterdam and Holland. So do we think that they'll, because that's obviously not a particularly famous story here,

but we think this might bring them to prominence. When's when's it coming out i don't know because they seem to be i should have looked at the uh the date on the oracle yeah that's a big um yeah i should have seen the date so i don't know if it's made yet but it's we should definitely get them on the show i feel like the fucking yeah yeah maybe if they're doing like press for the uh they're doing the promo circuit yeah for this documentary. I'm sensing the Oscar. Would they both get the best actress? Would they have to share it?

Oh, I don't know. Well, like the Olsen twins. Yes, exactly. They are separate people, granted, but it sounds like Louise would get it anyway because we don't even know what the other one's called. The other one wasn't even nominated. The nominations are Louise fucking...

Other fucking... When I went to the red light district in amsterdam they said that there's a kind of hierarchy of who gets to be in the windows at the front like nearest the main drag as it were and then as you go like round the back and like down the side alleys you're getting more niche oh like kind of more fetishy stuff well not just fetishy but apparently like if you're on the kind of the main strip there's a kind of stereotypical blonde look with like blue eyes the giselles of the world and then as you get further back that's where they keep the duchesses

yeah exactly they're all just stashed away oh poor Helger which I feel a bit sad about because they're down like side alleys that you might never walk down

yeah but they have really really dedicated fans few fans but dedicated they have to really seek them out yeah I guess

apparently in Amsterdam they get very upset that people talk about the prostitution red light district and not so much about the fact of how many accountants

they have apparently there's just a lot of accountants in amsterdam yeah a lot of businesses a lot of businesses are registered there and so they have accountants there and it's just yeah it's just you know you need an accountant the red light district and amsterdam is the place to seek them out just people in windows doing tax returns on those old school calculators yeah no they're down the alleys it's the new ipad ones that are doing it in the front windows so if they retired at 70 yeah they were still doing great business presumably yeah well yeah apparently there's still sort of one of the sisters i'm guessing guessing Louise but I'm not sure she still sees a sort of an older guy

for S&M so I think she's quit but she comes out of retirement occasionally She'll just freelance every now and then She's like Cher She's a simply read farewell gig and that's happened She just keeps going back on tour

But surely if it's one guy that's her like boyfriend no i don't have a business relationship surely if there's one guy and he pays me then i guess he's my boyfriend sure money exchanges hands but what's that between friends they do have a museum there as well for prostitution no like a process in the red light district yeah yeah yeah it's called uh redlightsecrets.com sorry that's their website it's called are you working for them that was a very subtle plug there

no they're called red light secrets and now a message from our sponsors why do you guys not have porn sponsors at the top of your show any day now any day now oh so what what does the what's in the museum? It's, I guess, old toys. Old prostitutes. Old toys. Oh, yeah, the fucking, sorry. A live instalment. Behind a glass bottle.

It's an art installation. Oh, God. Just behind a sheet of glass, just Louise and someone else. It could be another fucking, just like, yeah. No touching. It's like Madame Tussauds, swords but they move people get their photo taken with them oh i love the fucking museum so good i mean that is quite a thing isn't it dedicating your whole life to being a prostitute 50 years and what 355 000 customers yeah can we just do customers so particular like you know what they like to call them customers all right

we are proud people and we are customers all right but how much is that if it's 350 000 between them let's say they did half each yeah literally did half each is this like a gcse maths question yeah herpreet and malcolm accounting prostitutes um i was just thinking how how often is that 50 years times 365 let's just assume they work every christmas day it's their biggest day so they need to do 3 500 a year whoa no that's each what no that's like 10 a night yeah how many how many again did you say 3 500 a year yeah wow yeah that sounds about right i'm not even a pro and I do that. Yeah, the queue was definitely long. But I thought I was eight.

You get an allocated time. Like a deli counter. Yeah, my ticket said 12. Well, I have learned something, to be fair. Whether it's true or not, I will be using that in the pub. Yeah, it's great. Well, no, no, the fuckens exist. It's just whether or not that's their real name. Don't try and call it back.

It's fine. I want to meet them i think they sound great right put the email in james you're in charge of booking okay done fuck it fucking so the next topic that we want you to look into was um vodka sales in um yeah russia because of grigor kolansky um what can you tell us about that? Well, it's really boring looking into that. That's my main... Yeah, it wasn't a great one, I'm sorry about that. Yeah, it's doing well.

There you love that shit. It's like a monopoly. Sales are good. That's the main thing. I did start looking into vodka generally, though, in Russia. Right. So probably my favourite thing is that until 1885, vodka was only sold in 12.3 litre

buckets it's the only way you could get I beg your pardon wow that's how much Jamie drinks to get through a record this is true this isn't fizzy water guys yeah and I was looking into other vodka facts and I

suddenly started reading about Boris Yeltsin because he was famously just constantly pissed on vodka just constantly and this i cannot believe that this isn't just general knowledge that we don't all know this but in 1995 he was so drunk i'm assuming it's vodka it might have been champagne or something else but he used to do vodka a lot. In 1995, Boris Yeltsin visited the White House and he was found outside, drunk, in his pants, in the middle of the night, by the Secret Service, who said that he was trying to hail a taxi

because he wanted to buy a pizza. This is Boris Yeltsin. Yes! Found outside in his pants. Oh my God! just going, taxi! The next night, they thought, okay, he's probably going to have a hangover the next night. He was still on it the next night, and he was found just wandering the basement of the White House. Again, just drunkenly.

What the fuck? Yeah. But everyone says that he was really friendly. Like, he was a friendly, funny drunk. He was a friendly drunk. Oh, thank god. Yeah. So he went on a trip to Ireland, and when he landed, he was so drunk, he couldn't get off

the plane. So the plane was just there. And Yeltsin was just, they were like, he'll be off soon. You know, because obviously people waiting to greet him. He was just holding court in the cockpit. Like, come and visit me. And then this is my favorite one. So in 1992, he was invited to a state banquet in kyrgyzstan and uh they just

broke away from the soviet union so this is a really important thing this isn't gonna go well yeah um he got so drunk on vodka he ended up playing the kyrgyzstani uh president's bald head drumming on it using his spoons as drumsticks. Oh my God. That is so the sort of thing the next day you're like, you just see a spoon and you're like, no, no. That is like that pit of the stomach. Oh God, what happened last night?

It's what our brain calls dread heart. You know when your heart just like breaks into a thousand pieces because you're like, no, but no, no. Wow. Or you just hear percussion and you think that sounds familiar oh no

sense memory oh fuck you see some like dents in the bold guy's head and it's like how did you yeah I remember sorry about playing

the spoons on your head I know it's not Russia but we went to the Ukraine a few years ago the three of us oh yeah yeah we did we

I mean I won't go into why it was the three of us oh yeah yeah we did we um i mean i won't go into wine it wasn't out of choice if we tell you we'll have to kill you okay and for every meal we were kind of on an official state visit for every meal we had to toast with vodka but every single put and we were at meals with like 12 to 15 people and every single person had to toast with a shot of vodka i've never seen alice so drunk i was out of my tree i'm not proud of it but i was being respectful like halfway through the meal she was like i can't do any more vodka so she had a glass of wine but they made her down the glass of wine every time it was a goblet of wine and this is no offence

to Ukrainian wine but it's the pits not taken and they made me just neck it so everyone goes like yay and then I was like

and then I was like that was like a bottle of wine in that glass and they just replenish it but the vodka they are fine they drink it like water and that's not

a cliche they do they do up to like 20 to 30 shots before the actual meal that's what I've that's what I've heard yeah that's what it was like

with us she made Yeltsin look like a priest honestly spoons are the least of your worries I killed a man with a dessert spoon

I've got one other vodka thing if you want to hear it. So there are rumours that when Russian cosmonauts go to space, that there's a little pocket inside their suit where they have the ability to keep little bits of vodka so that they can sip at the end of every day. They had to ban alcohol in space for a while because the Russian cosmonauts used to get in massive fights.

They'd just get too pissed up there and just get into battles. And that's dangerous when you're in space. Sure. So the experts say. It's dangerous on land. Exactly. Yeah. So, yeah.

So they apparently have a little slip for that. And just in context of porno, I got told that a lot of the American astronauts have a tiny slip within their uniform so that they can have a cheeky wank. No. That's never been, obviously, announced by NASA. We've added a new element to the spacesuit design. Being in that design meeting. Guys, a wank pocket? How does everyone feel about that?

Wank up, sign it off, sign it off. For when you're inside the international space it's not while you're doing a spacewalk oh sure not to have a time in place I have a really gross question

and this you don't have none of you have to answer but do what would happen in zero gravity so I think this is the purpose to the jizz

well I didn't want to spell it out Alice we're doing my dad wrote a porno we say jizz every week so what will happen to the jizz. Well, I didn't want to spell it out. Alice, we're doing my dad wrote a porno. We say jizz every week. So what will happen to the jizz in zero gravity? A sentence I didn't think I would say today. I think that's the point of the pocket.

To contain it? I think it's a jizz catcher, yeah. Oh. Oh. I think. Again, I can't ask NASA, so I don't know. Surely the pocket is to gain access to the appendage. I don't know.

I think because... Or not appendage, just in case. Well, because you're wearing trousers anyway, so I think there's pretty readily available access. It's not as if they're locked. They're not sewn into a suit and sent to space. They can get changed. I totally thought that.

They can never touch their body again. That's how I imagine it. That is dirty. But then when do you deposit what you've collected? When you get back to Earth. When you get back to Earth, yeah. So wait, what, like four years later? Oh, yeah, I guess so.

What are you talking about? That's horrible. But you have more than one change of clothing up there. But then where does it go? It goes into the laundry bag and you just keep it in there. What if mum finds it? Mum's not in the International Space Station. Chris Hadfield

did have his mum next door going, what's going on in there? I know what you're doing. Lovely quiet. Why would you look at old fashioned socks? That's what I say. Can you imagine? There's a sock with NASA printed on it that's in your pants. Stiff imagine just a sock with NASA printed on it that's in your pants? Stiff as a ball.

Oh my God, that's so grim. That is amazing. Rumours, who knows. It's a rumour mill up there. But I like the idea that they got so pissed that they fought. So now, what, they just have a smaller pouch so they're just a little bit less pissed? No, so alcohol's banned up there. So the idea is that they've been sneaking up extra bits of alcohol yeah i think there might

be a new thing where the russians are allowed to now have tiny amounts of alcohol that they send up but they won't go there without it guys okay let them take it it's like you get to go to space yeah just be teetotal for a few years you get so pissed you forgot all about it i went to space once i can't remember what to piss well you wake up so hungover that you just walk out the door

and you're like oh we lost another one I want to get a pizza amazing and then our third fact that is so brilliant it's amazing

these are great you are brilliant you should come on every week awkward laughter like I'm not going to do that so the next one is threesomes right yes because obviously Belinda did partake and you should come on every week. Awkward laughter. Like, I'm not going to do that.

So the next one is threesomes, right? Yes. Because obviously Belinda did partake in a threesome last week. Don't remind us. So, yeah. My favourite threesome fact of all time. Yeah. And I do have one.

It's when I was 17. It's I've had one. Boom! And they get a high five. Drops the mic and leaves the house. That's such a good exit fact. Like, latest containers. Yeah, it's that.

So I'm very obsessed with crypto animals, yetis and Loch Ness Monster and all that sort of stuff. So one of the big things is sea monsters is a massive thing that people have had drawings taken from you know early days of exploration where they show giant tentacles coming out and tacking boats and sailors and photos claiming to be it so a scientist went through all the photos and they've worked out most sea monster photos are actually gray whale penises gray whale penises are there flapping out in the open because they mate

in threes. They have a threesome and there's a loose penis waiting and they have to do it at the surface. Yeah, so they go to the surface

one female, two male and so while one of them one of the couples is going the other one's just waiting and the penis is

There's always one left out. Always. Always a third wheel. Yeah. A third whale as it were. Very nice. So so it's just a big whale. Yeah. A third whale, as it were. Very nice. So it's just a big penis. Yeah, it's just a giant.

All those old exploration drawings are just massive penises plopping out of the water. So Nessie is just a giant penis. Not sure about Nessie, yeah, but in theory just a massive, massive penis. But they just, so is the third whale just watching and I guess having a little fondle while they're having a good time? They're just a voyeur, Alice. Yeah, just a voyeur at that point. They're like Dr. Robbins. But can they not have just like a little touch?

They're just using their white pocket while they're going. There's another whale called the right whale and they do that as well. There's a lot of threesomes in animals. Wow. Yeah. Really? That's interesting. Yeah. So I read an article called Animals Are Kinkier than you which was a bbc earth article i just

didn't expect to see that and that's where i found out about the right whale um yeah they they and just amazing photos like if anyone listening to this is near google google gray whale penis they are they're pretty good looking you just want other people to be dragged down with your internet history. You're like, I don't want to be the only one. I'm totally Googling it right now. I was going to say. Yeah, let's see it. Go on.

We have to look at it. This is like those reaction videos. I want to watch Jamie's face as you show him the picture. Okay. Oh my God. Oh. It's like a big worm. Oh my.

Yeah. That's it. It's kind of really pink. It looks like a swan. Kind of. Is that a big one or is that a Jim Sterling or is that a... Commonly known as Pink Floyd. Is that true?

I mean, I'm not quick enough to have made that up on the spot. Pink Floyd's name is based on a grey whale's penis. It's awful Daniel I didn't create it okay cool any more

yeah Casanova he was meant to take his holy orders and so he was going to go for a life in the world of religion

but he got caught having a threesome and that's why he became who he was really and he was a librarian

what yeah the last bit of his life he was a librarian. What? Yeah, the last bit of his life he was a librarian. Always the quiet ones. Just one wrong turn as it were and that's changed his whole career vibe. Maybe the Falken sisters

were going to be nuns or something. One night they accidentally charged for sex and the rest is history. Okay, well thank you so much for joining us Dan. Amazing, amazing facts thank you so much for joining us, Dan. Amazing, amazing facts. Thank you for having me. Genuine honour

to be on your show. I absolutely do mean that. I hope I haven't messed up your show. I'm a massive fan. And again, on behalf of the public who listen to the show, you guys rock so much. Dan Shriver, if people haven't heard your work before, whale dicks, we've got wank pockets.

You have a lot that you should take away from this and be really, really proud of. So well done you. Thank you for ruining your career.