My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Personality Test

Episode Date: August 24, 2017

Who is Belinda Blumenthal? Using the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, the gang try to answer that question, once and for all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porno the footnotes this week we have decided to do something with Belinda that we've never done before um and that is some psychological testing it's about time it's about time um because we feel like she's kind of insane she's insane and we just we don't really know who she is do we because she never speaks we don't know what's going on in her mind because sometimes when she does speak that belies what's going on in her head so Alice you've prepared a little something well, I can't take full credit for it because a lot of people have mentioned this to us when it comes to Belinda. And actually, when it comes to the employees of Steels,

Pots and Pans in general, lots of people who listen to the podcast that work for massive conglomerates and very important businesses and things have actually done this test at work. It's called the Myers-Briggs test. Oh, so it is a business test. Yeah, it's kind of a test to work out

what kind of personality you are. And obviously in like a business situation, very important. Very important, absolutely. Is this something you see in like the middle of a women's weekly magazine? Yeah, you're Samantha from Sex and the City. It's not dissimilar to that, actually. It's a questionnaire you answer basically on a sliding scale of agree or disagree. And it's a report on on your instincts about stuff so you

know like my instinct at a party would be to jump out of the window i mean if if you even arrived at the party exactly that wouldn't that would rely on you getting there in the first place precisely that is very telling on this kind of test that will dictate what kind of personality you are agoraphobic it just turns out i don't have a personality and shouldn't attend parties should we jump in then let's jump in so i'm going to need your help usually you'd answer these questions for yourself of course uh but we're going to answer for belinda today and i think it's going to be really enlightening okay i can't wait actually it's gonna be quite fun i think sometimes when we call bullshit on a lot of her life decisions actually we'll now see why

right yes okay interesting and remember the sliding scale is always the same. On a scale of one to ten, with one being disagree strongly and ten being agree strongly, what would Belinda say? Okay. You find it difficult to introduce yourself to other people. Oh my God, ten. Or at least if she does it, she does it an hour into the conversation. And she does it by removing all of her clothes. Yeah.

But that's not, it's also not just her who's like that. It's everyone in this world. That seems like to be a trait of everyone. And she does it by removing all of her clothes. Yeah. But that's not, it's also not just her who's like that. It's everyone in this world. That seems like to be a trait of everyone. Okay. So 10 for that one. Strongly agree. Okay.

Is there an 11 in fact? Do you know what? There isn't, but let me ramp it up and just see if I can do that. You often get so lost in your thoughts that you ignore or forget your surroundings. Oh my God. Again. Wow. I feel like these questions have been written specifically about Belinda Blink.

She's always planning something. She's always organising the next thing, even if she's about to come. Just think, in the maze, diarising. Every day. Every single person she meets, she's meeting them again in three weeks' time. Oh, absolutely.

Alphonse, Jim Sterling, Marco Arrigues, giving out business cards at an orgy, you know. Even Penelope Pollock. Oh, even Penelope Pollock. Whatever she ends ends up being i feel like she's going to be like the extreme version of it after two questions yeah because i feel like most people answering like twos and fours and like maybe some eights and sevens mainly fives yeah um next one for her is you feel superior to other people oh um her breasts are definitely superior yeah and also she does love calling out her rsms as her subordinates doesn't she so i wouldn't go 10 though no i

wouldn't go 10 because i feel like in many ways she's riddled with insecurities about her superiority she's always on the climb isn't she she's never happy with where she is she's never like i'm the top of the tree i'm gonna sit tight and she does respect authority an awful lot you know like the aristocracy tony even sir james godwin she does kind of really respect them and how far they've come in their lives this is ludicrous by the way absolutely ludicrous how are we talking in such detail about a character that said about four words because dad hasn't given it any characterization if he'd have done all the work, we wouldn't be sat here. So, what, seven?

OK, good. Right. Oh. Oh, God. What? I think we're going to have our first one of the game. You often feel as if you have to justify yourself to other people. One, move on. I don't think she's ever once justified her actions. That's 600,000 quid she spent on those walks. I don't think she's even once justified her actions. That's 600,000 quid she spent on those walks. I don't think she's even signed that off.

No, no one's ever asked about it. In a good way, though. She kind of never apologises. For black stockings. For the black stockings or for what she's up to. Maybe they were a metaphor all along. First chapter, she will not apologise for her black stockings. Turns out that's the way she lives her life.

She doesn't apologise for anything. She's never asked to either. No one ever goes, what the fuck are you doing is that because she's surrounded by even more extreme people so in comparison you're like she's doing all right didn't it say once that she's had all her friends are like nuts so she just surrounds herself with people that are just as mental she's the boring one she's the square yeah this one's interesting because i'm not sure we'll be able to answer this completely fully. Okay.

Your home and work environments are quite tidy. Well, we've never seen a flat. No. We know it's basic though, right? We know the decor is going to be... She's going to have one of those black and white pictures of a New York street with a yellow taxi. Oh God, yeah. I kind of imagine that she doesn't have any furniture because she's never at home.

Oh, you think she's not furnished it yet? And maybe she's just moved to London because it wasn't her last job in Australia. At PTY? Yeah. Oh, no, is it Ty Ford Crockerby Holdings in Canterbury? Sorry, my mistake.

You're going too far back. No, but I think even if she'd been there like a year, she'd still have no furniture. Maybe one chair and a bed. So grim, though, isn't it? No way to live, it it's worse than ken dusery's dungeon but is it tidy guys well she has a cluttered office doesn't she because she's got a microwave in there she's got by the sounds of it all of the oxybrilliarangers just stored in her office it's very much the warehouse and the sales

director's office maybe we just put it as a five because we aren't sure, are we? Okay, if in doubt, five it. Oh my God, these questions are too good. Your travel plans are usually well thought out. Ten. Immediately. I mean, you say ten, but she did travel in that biplane to go and deliver those guardians. That wasn't amazingly well thought out.

And she did travel uh halfway across the countryside in a horse box which is probably not the best way to travel and she has always traveled economy comfort class and i'd say if you were organized you'd have bumped yourself right up so maybe maybe it's not 10 maybe it's more like three i'm popping a three down for that one my darlings great and what do we think about this one i feel like this is maybe getting to the core of blumenthal people can rarely upset you oh i mean if she's anything like her creator nothing upsets her because dad is fine with any sort of critique he is completely impervious he is he thinks it's a compliment which it kind of is in a way so he'd be a 10 he'd be a 10 but what would belinda be um Did she get upset?

I've never known her really to have any extremes of emotion. Was she annoyed about being in that window in Amsterdam? No, she loved the game of that. She thought it was like really, really funny and clever, didn't she? And she was proud that she was a record breaker. Yeah. She was annoyed once when she felt like Marco Arrigues was being patronising too much. Do you remember that?

In the car. She was like, if you're any more patronising I'll smack you once. She does not like to be talked down to. And is that the most we've ever heard her raise her voice or anything?

I think that's the most we've ever seen of anything resembling emotion. But funny that like she wasn't mad when she crashed a car literally an hour before.

Not even angry. She wasn't angry when she found out that Peter Rouse was married didn't care about that. When business stuff isn't going to plan which let's be honest is most of the time if now nearing the end of the book we're gonna be blunt she wasn't mad about jim sterling's lack of penis or then his flaky penis no she's very pragmatic so i think maybe a nine okay let's put it down

for a nine this one's kind of connected it's often difficult for you to relate to other people's feelings oh my god this i mean this is a 10 surely 100 her emotional maturity though is zero i was gonna say this relies so much on her having any sort of feelings whatsoever i think she's a robot but i think that has been a theory among listeners before that she is a fembot or something like that and she's like cannot process emotion must shag for pads and pants exactly just totally bypasses what they've said or thought or what your natural instinct would be yeah exactly because she doesn't have the processing power for that sort of thing she needs more ram she needs a programming updated she's got a pentium four i don't know what that is i've just heard the adverts so what we're saying for that one guys it's always difficult for her to relate to other people's feelings and emotions

so what another nine ten should we bump her up to a ten i think a ten let's give her a ten now this one's highly controversial so we have to be very careful about how we answer obviously all we've done is answer honestly so people can't have us for it your work style is closer to random energy spikes than to a methodical and organised approach. Oh my God. Energy spikes, that's literally sex. These books should be called Energy Spikes 1, 2 and 3.

Belinda Energy Spiked. Yeah, that's got to be a 10. If she was a graph, it'd just be like up down, up down, up down. She is living on the extremities of this test. She really is. And the idea that she would have had

a methodical or organised approach to selling pots and pans and instead she's just in there all guns blazing. I just love it. That's so true. Yeah.

What's worrying me is that there is a character there that we're realising that this is like a fully fleshed out character. I actually can't wait to see what she turns out to be. So on this particular test, there are 16 personalities. And she's going to be one of those.

She's going to be one of those characters. Oh, okay. Moving on. You often find yourself lost in thought when you're walking in nature. She's never been in nature? The maze, the glade. Yes. Yeah.

The Epsom countryside was very scenic. The Lazy Pea Ranch, I guess been in nature. The maze, the glade. Yes. Yeah. The Epsom countryside was very scenic. Oh, yeah, of course. The Lazy Pea Ranch, I guess, is nature. Does the chocolate lake count? Fountain, please. I mean, getting lost in her thoughts. I don't really think that she has many thoughts. She doesn't have reveries, does she?

Well, she just chats to a clit, doesn't she, really, if she wants someone to talk to when she's alone. She chats to a clit. It's very chatty. Although saying that, most of her dialogue is her mind told her she thought belinda mused do you know what i mean so she does have thoughts quite a lot yeah she's rarely speaking out loud is she she's quite a bitch isn't she when she thinks she's always thinking quite catty comments about other people judgments that she looks better than them or that their penis is too small or... And then all she'll come out with is like, hey girls.

Right, I'm going to give her full marks for that one. Okay. Oh, this is spooky. These questions are genuinely spooky. Is this a real test, Alice? This is real. Have you written this yourself? It's on the dark web.

It's real. It does not take you much time to start getting involved in social activities at your new workplace. What? She hit the ground running, to be fair. The leather room was day two. We hadn't even got the job and she was shagging everyone. What day are we even on now? I think she's about a month in-ish.

How can that even be the case? She's already been on holiday with some of her colleagues. I mean, bless her though, because when I start a new job, it does take me a real while to warm up and kind of get to know where my place is and who my people are. Who you can have sex with. Well, exactly.

And she hit the ground fucking sprinting. Sometimes you find it difficult to know, like, do you bring your own mug from home? Like, what's the etiquette there? It was none of that. Can you use office milk for cereal? Or is it just for hot beverages? Exactly.

I feel like if she even left after now, like after even five weeks, she'd have a massive leaving party. Yeah. Oh yeah, she'd be missed. I mean, missed. Her absence would be noted. Yeah, Mavon reception would be devastated, I'm sure.

So this one, we obviously have to say full marks, don't we? A hundred percent. Ten, ten, ten. I'm scared to know how much more specific they're going to get do other people do this test and go like what are these weird ass questions mainly people not in cookware i should have said sorry this is a cookware specific yeah personality test yeah you enjoy going to social events that involve dress up or role play activities oh for god's sake come on shall i move? I think you know what to put for that.

That two and a half thousand pound bit of riding gear, anyone? Sorry, I'll try and speed this along by eliminating the really obvious ones. A bit like you're a relatively reserved and quiet person. Yeah. Okay, we come to the final one. Oh, God. Okay. The jewel in the crown of this personality test, if you don't mind me saying. If you had a business, you would find it very difficult to

file loyal but underperforming employees well des like she's known from day one that she wanted to get rid of des because bella i'm sorry if that isn't the definition of an underperforming colleague i mean guys we could name everyone that steals no one's pulling their weight. It's a swamp and it needs clearing. Bill from HR, absolutely useless. Oh my God. I mean,

even down to Maeve, like, I don't know what she's been up to. All she said is, oh, hi Belinda. That's all she said the entire book.

Give her a chance. She's only been in two chapters. She's been in one chapter, actually. Well, exactly. Give her time. She could be great. You should write Maeve's CV

bumping up her experience like that yeah the problem with steals is no one's got the balls to like do what needs to be done they've got the balls to have a lot of sex with each other but yeah not to do anything in any kind of business etiquette it's funny you guys have gone for that angle because I always think she is pretty cutthroat I think she's a lone ranger without many emotional ties to people that's true but she hasn't fired anyone yet and i feel like she's been on the cusp and just hasn't had the bottle to do it but maybe that is just because she's a month in because didn't she say early on that she was thinking of firing all the rsms and then she just didn't she got sidetracked

didn't she i don't know if that's loyalty or just procrastination i mean dave wilcox needs to go he's what's he doing i haven't heard from him in three months she is loyal with her glee team i I don't know if that's loyalty or just procrastination. I mean, Dave Wilcox needs to go. What's he doing? I haven't heard from him in three months. She is loyal with her Glee team. I feel like that's a kind of a real bond there with Giselle and Bella. Yeah, but then they're getting too close. It's going beyond business.

They're not colleagues anymore. They're friends. And she kind of promoted them both just because they're her friends as well, I feel. But also bitches about them at every turn. True. I mean, all that Ritz Bar gossip and the gossip trail. Exactly. Honestly, the Glee team is a sham. It's an utter sham.

So for this one then, what am I putting? Ten. Always ten. I don't know with this one. It's kind of a, it's a grey area. I think maybe it's more like a three. Until we have evidence to the contrary. Okay.

Shades of grey. Sorry, colours of grey. Always with this. Right. Let me just get the results. If you could just talk amongst yourselves. Absolutely. Maybe get yourself a little cup of tea.

How's your day been, James? Oh, yeah, not bad. I had a massage. Oh, nice. Yeah, it was. She pulled my pants down, though. I didn't know that was normal. Got your whole arse out.

Got my whole arse out. My anus is suitably massaged. Was it tight? I didn't know they did that. Oh, my God. What? I can't believe it either. She got a stink out in front of him.

I'm literally not listening to a word you two say. I've just got the results. Oh, shit. And? It's just weird. Okay. Okay, so they give you a personality type. One of 16.

Yeah. And they give it a name they kind of give it a character okay hers is the entrepreneur no way there you go for people who follow the kind of more technical myers-briggs bit she's an estp-a if you're interested in that so let me tell you a bit about her as an entrepreneur yeah So entrepreneurs always have an impact on their immediate surroundings. The best way to spot them at a party is to look for the whirling eddy of people flitting about them as they move from group to group. Oh my God, that's literally her with that orgy. Oh my God, you're so right.

And it does say people giving out business cards on the side. Laughing and entertaining with a blunt and earthy humour. I mean, she doesn't have any humour, but I would describe it as blunt and earthy if i mean she doesn't have any humor but i would describe it as blunt and earthy if it was anything earthy's very earthy entrepreneur personalities love to be the center of attention if an audience member is asked to come on stage entrepreneurs volunteer oh the millennium dough building need we say more it says here, or they volunteer a shy friend. There's no one shy in these books. It's so good.

But it goes on and on. I won't read you the whole thing, but basically it's entirely on point for her. I can't believe she got entrepreneur. I mean, she isn't one, but yeah, it's fitting. Because she does work for a company. Famously entirely inaccurate, but I feel like Rocky would consider her an entrepreneur it's in business

um one of the things that the website offers you is um a comparison to famous fellow entrepreneurs other people who have this personality type this is very good okay who's she like who are her bedfellows i'll be honest the bedfellows are diverse don't tell me it's Oprah. We start with Ernest Hemingway. That's Rocky's bedfellow, surely. But it also includes Eddie Murphy. I've always said Belinda Blumenthal is the Eddie Murphy of pots and pans. Also, Nicolas Sarkozy. Oh my god. Isn't he the corrupt

ex-president of France? Brilliant. It doesn't stop there though, guys. What about Jamie Lannister of Game of Thrones? The fuck? Oh. This is a diverse list. Also, Jamie Lannister. Is that the character's name? Yeah. On a psychological test, you can't

compare somebody to a fictional character. And she is a fictional character. We yeah on a psychological test you can't compare somebody to a fictional character and she is a fictional character we're comparing a fictional character this is so meta okay i can't help but feel that some of these are a tad out of date oh god like gabrielle salise from desperate housewives oh my god that is such a good one I never watched it What was she like? More in look actually Than anything else

She's like Who's the actress? Eva Longoria Oh yeah Okay yeah I mean the comparisons Are far and wide D'Artagnan

D'Artagnan? The musketeer? One of the three musketeers Yeah Bruce Willis What? Samuel L. Jackson Just to check What the... D'Artagnan, the musketeer. One of the three musketeers, yeah. Bruce Willis. What? Samuel L. Jackson.

Just to check, is it the whole cast of Pulp Fiction? I would love it if, after hearing this, they add in Belinda Blumenthal onto this list. Oh, my God. If Jamie Lannister can be there. That would be the dream. I mean, if Lincoln Burrows from Prison Break can be there. If Myers and or Briggs are listening, if you could add Belinda Blumenthal to ESTP-A, entrepreneur, that would be ace. We can provide a crude avatar if that's required,

because the one of Jack Nicholson, honestly, I wouldn't say it's accurate. She's the same as Jack. Awesome. Well, I feel like we've learned a lot more about Belinda now. And we've discovered that she has a character. Who knew? It's nice to be able to sit and actually, yeah, think about some of the decisions she's made and who she actually is. Yeah.

Will you ask Rocky if he'll do it? Oh my goodness, we should totally do one of Rocky. Yeah, I'm keen. My worry is it'll come out the exact same way. I've always said he's like Bruce Willis. My worry would be that the whole website would crash. He doesn't fit into the 16 personalities, yet everybody does. He's one of a kind.

He's a maverick. He's our maverick. Dad, get on it.