My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Rachel Bloom

Episode Date: September 1, 2016

Creator and star of 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend' Rachel Bloom talks us through her weird 'Belinda Blinked' theory and helps us put the wheels in motion for 'Belinda Blinked: The Musical' Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello everyone and welcome to my dad wrote a porno the footnotes today our special guest is the golden globe winning multi-talented star and creator of crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It's Rachel Bloom. Hi. Hello. Oh my God, my writing partner and I are such big fans. We're both freaking out. We were both, I'm really excited to talk to you guys. How are you? I'm so good. I'm so excited.

We are so thrilled. What are you doing right now? Where are you right this second? I am pacing in my living room like a weirdo because no one else is home and i can just my natural thing is to just pace when i'm on the phone so i'm going from inside to outside inside from outside and my neighbors must make i'm insane so you are the star and co-creator of crazy ex-girlfriend it's actually just kind of getting really big over here it's on netflix here if people haven't checked it out already um just give us a brief kind of rundown of what the show is about people who haven't seen it sure so it's a um dark kind of fucked up romantic comedy about

a very unhappy person who i just started to curse right off the bat i'll go for it it's about it's about a deeply unhappy person who uh runs into her ex-boyfriend from when she was a teenager and decides that all of her happiness lies in him and winning him back. And so she leaves her job and everything she knows in New York to follow him to a suburb of Los Angeles called West Covina, California. And it is a musical. Intriguing. You see, now we want to talk to you about this, actually, Rachel, because obviously Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is, you know, probably the only musical on TV, I think, now.

Pretty amazing. There was Galavant. Oh, okay. Which has been cancelled. Basically, as of now, yes. Yours is a successful one. Own it. So, basically, you of now, yes. Yours is a successful one. Own it. So basically, you've got this musical. We are actually thinking about how can we increase the world of Blinda Blinked.

It can't just be a podcast. So we've decided that we're going to make it into a musical, a West End big show. I think that's great. So we thought having you on the show would be a perfect opportunity to kind of just brainstorm some ideas, really. Sure. Well, I mean, look, it depends. I assume this is going to be a comedic musical.

Excuse me? Oh. Oh, okay. We have very different points of view on this book, Carrie. You're on thin ice, Missy. I think that what's great is there's this thing in musical theatre different points of view on this book, Carrie. You're on thin ice, Missy. I think that what's great is there's this thing in musical theater, it's a term called an environment song,

where if you think like Fiddler on the Roof opens with tradition, which is like, this is our world, this is Anatevka, here are the rules of the world. Right. You can start off with an environment song called Steals, Pots, and Pans, and the chorus could be like, there's only one rule in Steals, Pots and Pans. And the chorus could be like, there's only one rule in Steals, Pots and Pans, and it's fuck all you want.

Fuck all the time. I'm loving it. Honestly, you can steal that. That's a fantastic, just established right off the bat. This is our world. Everyone's fucking all the time. And we sell pots and pans. That's just straight off the top of your head. That's amazing need you on board we need to help write it i mean in all sincerity i'm um if you need someone i am down yes um and then oh man there's just a beautiful like a beautiful

like introspective belinda song where like you really get into like her psyche and i think what you'd call it is my pussy hurts. I feel like you've already thought about this. It's kind of bubbling up from inside of me. I mean, I think it's just right itself. That's what Belinda said after a session in the maze. It was all bubbling up inside of her. It's just like a stew

so my pussy hurts would be a kind of a ballady number yeah yeah like i mean really all you would do is you'd take serious musical theater tropes and then just inject them with like the silliness that is belinda blank so would we need like a big end number, like a kind of finale? What would that be? Oh my God. Well, I don't know how, I don't know where you want to end it. Exactly. I mean, or the end number is this never ends.

There's no conclusion. If you're looking for an answer, there's none. Get out of the theatre. Go, get out. Get out of the theatre. There's no coda to this. It's just people will keep fucking forever and just leave and go home to your family.

Maybe the last song's called You've Wasted Your Evening or something like that. That's good. There is this thing in musical theater when you come back up for the second act, you want to have the first number up kind of be like a number that's not

plot specific because all of the little old ladies are coming back from the bathroom they're coming in late i think it's called like the little old lady number and so that would be also potentially a really good like little old lady number where it's like why are you even here you've wasted your money and then after six like okay back into the plot of the show and legally that could get us off a lot of like like, difficult territory, because if we do one that's, like, called There's No Refunds or whatever, you know, we're really getting ourselves off the hook. That's fantastic.

Also, I hadn't even thought of that. Yeah, sold. That's a really great idea. Yeah, I'm glad we're all on the same page. This is brilliant. Okay, great. I actually think this would be a really big hit. I mean, I don't quite know, does the West End work like Broadway

in that you have, like, bigger theatres and then smaller theatres? Well, I guess we wouldn't't quite know does the West End work like Broadway in that you have bigger theatres and then smaller theatres? Well, I guess we wouldn't need to worry about the smaller theatres. Okay, sure. You're right. Alice is going to think it's going to be the new Hamilton. That's what she's thinking. Well, now I just want to rewrite Hamilton and it's just like... How does a business

woman pots and pans? Using only her vagina at a pan's company oh i mean also just writes itself it really does did he say only her vagina and her wit because she has no vagina and her wit well it's mostly it's mostly her vagina and a little bit of wit well i was gonna say because we were talking about how belinda is she's not a funny woman. I mean, she barely talks at the best of times.

And when she does, it's not funny. The banter between her colleagues is just... It's lacking, isn't it? Oh, I mean, is anyone in these books funny and aware of how ridiculous the situation is? No, I think they're very much in tune with my dad. So, no, they are not self-aware at all. Although I listened to the episode where he was interviewed

and his answers were really funny. Like that thing about the amusement park. That was clearly a joke. No, no, no, Rachel. That wasn't a joke. That's the problem. He started to look at floor plans of tooting. No, he literally wants to have a ride that says,

please keep your hands and feet inside the vagina at all times. I'd go on that. Would you? We'd all go on it once. Come on. Yeah, come on. Fun amusement park. 100%.

So, I guess, I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot, but if we're casting for, we've talked about the movie, we've talked about the musical a little bit. If we were casting, is there a character that you have in mind? Oh, man. Oh, for myself? For yourself. Yeah, we should just say that Elijah Wood has already dibbed The Youngish Man.

And Daisy Ridley from Star Wars wants to play the Duchess. Oh, wow. I feel a little bit young for that, no? She wants to do it in full-on prosthetics. That's so brave. It's so brave. God bless her. God bless her.

You know, I feel like I should, well, Elijah Wood's American, but I feel like I should put on, like, a fat suit and play Jim Sterling. Interesting. Brilliant. I just feel like I really put on a fat suit and play Jim Sterling. Interesting. Brilliant. I just feel like I really could disappear into that role. Would you be willing to put on the weight a la Renee in Bridget? You know what? For this role, sure. Why not? I mean, I would have to put on, I think, 300 pounds.

So it would be seriously detrimental to my health. But you know what? Fuck it. YOLO, right? YOLO. Jim Sterling, is he an accurate representation of an American man? Here's the thing about Texans is I think there's like two types. The Texans that I work with are Texans who've left Texas and are in L.A.

And they're kind of, I like to call them the Canadians of the U.S. The Texans that I work with are Texans who've left Texas and are in LA. And they're kind of, I like to call them the Canadians of the US. They're so nice, but they're people who've left. So I think that Jim Sterling is accurate to some people who might have stayed in Texas. But the Texans I know are all lovely people. So you would say as a general rule of thumb, if you have a large penis from Texas, you should leave Texas. But if you have a tiny penis, you should stay. That's really what I'm saying.

Every Texan I know has dropped Trow in front of me. It's like, oh, interesting. But I have a fan theory about Belinda Blank that I was discussing with someone that I think it holds a lot of water. Oh, okay. It's kind of out there. Go on. So I've read erotic stories, I'm sure like we all have.

And like in erotic literature, even in porn, it either takes place in reality. And if you're going to do something sexy, there's an acknowledgement of like, this is crazy. I can't believe I'm about to do this. Or it's very much like a world. Like, there's an erotic story I read that took place in a workplace that was, like, typically like a BDSM workplace, where, like, this is the rules of the workplace. You get tied up if you're bad. But there's no, like, it's never like, here are the rules of Seals, Pops, and Pants.

It is a sexy place where sex is traded for business like that's never established and as you go throughout the world of the books everyone kind of acts like this is how business is like oh yeah you just like fuck for business and no one ever calls out that it's weird um so i think belinda blink takes place in the future. Oh. And I think it takes place in a world, or it's an alternate universe, but I think it takes place in the future in a world in which sex is now,

like everyone's fucking all the time. And everyone's just kind of cool with it. And it's kind of illicit, but kind of not. But then there's another layer. So if we're saying it takes place in the near future. Sorry, I love how much thought you put into this, yeah rachel are you okay um that's really debatable no but i was thinking about it because i was trying to think about what's so funny about because erotica is ridiculous like erotica it's it's it's really a lot of it is so ridiculous

and i was trying to think about what makes belinda blink like more ridiculous and i think it's this that like there there are no rules like it's like these are the rules of the world we live in it's just kind of like everyone's always fucking so then i thought about it even more and i was like ah belinda blinked that's interesting. And okay, what if it's not just a random title? Because it's like throughout the book, it's like Belinda Blinked. What if in the future, in this world, everyone has like a computer chip in their brain?

Bear with me. And when Belinda Blinks, she's taking a snapshot of this specific moment. And then, wait, wait, sending these snapshots back to the past to your dad to write Belinda Blinks. Oh, my God. So you think that Belinda Blumenthal actually exists in the future as a real person? I mean, do I think it? I don't know. Or do I know person i mean do i think it i don't know or do i know it or do i know it here's what i'll say is that your dad suddenly just out of the blue yeah decided to write it like had he ever written before now he hadn't it's very fishy i think you're right you're

onto something here very fishy right and he has such a specific view of like who she is and what she looks like and he's literally never written in his life. All I'm saying is maybe it's the future trying to warn us about a potential

sex dystopia. Rachel, this knowledge is power and that red dot on your forehead that's coming through your curtains right now, like,

you're in danger. Run! Run, Rachel, run! Oh my God! Oh my God! How far in the future do you think through your curtains right now like you're in danger run run rachel run oh my god oh my god um how far in the future do you think belinda lives it's not super far that's why i'm like maybe it's an alternate universe um like next month maybe no it's not next month the weird thing about it is like not the like technological change it's the social change right yeah exactly it's a world that's all about kind of like free love and it's very sex positive

absolutely no one has a problem with having sex no although then i think about like writing ancient runes in mud on someone's head and i don't know if that's like sex positive or just weird. It's very sex positive. I'm going to say like it's 50 years in the future. 50, okay. 50. And I don't know if it's a warning or if it's just like, hey, here's what the future is like. So anyway, I'm going to listen to the podcast now with that filter. And I encourage everyone out there to do the same. I'm not sure we'll be able to erase that filter.

You're right. All I can definitely say is I think you've absolutely thought about this more than my dad ever has thought about it, is what I would say. My concern is, though, that's just the world of pots and pans and we don't know it. That's not the future. That's just pots and pans. Well, didn't you say that he worked in sales? He did work in sales. He sold concrete for a while. you say that he worked in sales he did work in sales he sold concrete for a while um he sold beer mats um so not a million miles he sold did you say bayonets he was an arms trader he was no um he sold beer mats you know those like cardboard mats that you put a pint of beer on maybe it's a uk thing oh coasters i know what you're talking about essentially i didn't know oh oh a coaster that you put on the table but specifically for beer yeah so you have

them in like pubs in their disposable coasters yeah oh oh yeah i know you're talking i didn't know if anyone could sell well quite it didn't sustain him yeah he had to go into porn obviously there isn't a huge margin there clearly um but just go back to your theory maybe maybe it's a kind of you know we're in a tinder age at the moment we're in a hooker page everyone's kind of having a bit more casual sex and things like that so maybe like maybe you're right maybe 50 years in the future a blow job will replace the handshake it will be normal to greet people by shagging i'm loving this theory i'm trying to think if there's anything else that lends credence to it they still use fax machines well maybe it's like in the future we've got something happened

with email all this hacking like it has to end somewhere exactly something happened and they've just gone back to the trusty fax machine. Yeah, fax machines are the new vinyl of the age. Exactly. Exactly. It's kind of working. And also, like, the black thong thing, that seems really weird and futuristic. In what way?

I don't know. Well, no man wears a thong for a start. Yeah, exactly. No man wears a thong. The start yeah exactly no man wears a thong the fact that would be like a uniform and the fact that her reaction to it

isn't like what the fuck why are you wearing a thong that's so weird she's just like yeah that's a deal breaker

really on its own is that more of a thing because I know it's like more of a European thing to wear like speedos on

no it's not actually Rachel no it's not at all. This is like some Americans. We don't know. I'm just like, I don't know. It's a valid question. Yeah, God, Rachel, it's really sophisticated. You should probably get your husband to wear one because everyone's laughing at him because he's not. Everyone's wearing them down the chandelier. Get involved quick. I feel like you've got quite a lot in common with Rocky. Wait for it. Wait for it. Let me explain myself.

Rocky's obviously kind of taken the self-publishing world by storm. And I feel like you took the YouTube world by storm. At least like he got discovered in that world. You got discovered in that world. That's a really good point. And I, yeah, I mean, I think that's great about, especially like technology now, although I think self-publishing probably has nothing to do with that. But for me, like the ability to just make these short films and these music videos without

anyone's permission. And really the only downside was I just went broke. So with your YouTube songs, some of your titles were a bit kind of rocky-esque weren't they in the early days yes they were they were indeed remind me of some of the titles there was uh let's see the first one was fuck me ray bradbury there's a you can touch my boobies um on crazy Ex, we have Sex with a Stranger. We also have, because we're on broadcast TV in the States, which means we can't really curse that much,

but we have dirty versions of some of the songs that I just posted on my YouTube channel. And some of them are really, really filthy. But there is a song from last season called I Gave You a UTI, which is, you know, if Linda watched that music video, she could get some education. A love song, we presume. Yeah.

I feel like that's got a lovely sentiment to it. It's very much a ballad, yeah. It kind of is like a very sweet, romantic song that also teaches people about urethra health. It's double serving. Which is just my ultimate it's my ultimate goal as an artist not enough something to do it think about it elton john think about it education and entertainment i think we call that edutainment

thank you someone's used that before out of your mouth it sounds original i groaned i don't know about anybody else edutainment i feel like that's a very specific that's definitely on the goals of uh any sort of like children's tv channel definitely where it's like we aim for edutainment here yeah in a board meeting they'd be like guys we're not like one of those uptight educational channels we're all about the edutainment okay yeah exactly so james away you go to go and make educational programs for seven-year-olds please i'm gonna go talk to rocky yeah i think he's he's the one to talk to so rachel i am fascinated about how you came to

discover about my dad read porno the podcast my writing partner um who we should say is aileen brosh mckenna who wrote the devil is correct correct she's a genius and loves the podcast she i caught her at lunch breaks taking a walk around we kind of have our own little like lot and i caught her walking around the lot on her iphone just laughing and i was like what are you doing and she's like oh my god at lunch i've just been listening to my dad wrote a porno and roaring and literally in the writer's room. It's kind of all she was talking about. So then I started listening to it and then I just kind of binged the first season and now I'm on the second.

So are there any times when you feel it's inappropriate to listen to it? I think you're asking the wrong person. I have virtually no boundaries. I mean, look, I wouldn't listen to it, like, openly in front of children if they could hear it, but I would listen to it in front of children with headphones on. I have no qualms about that. It's a very, like, I have to say,

I don't think I've been legitimately turned on once listening to it. Are you joking? It's so sexy. You're clearly not getting it. There's clearly a language barrier or like lost in translation or something maybe i just if i pictured it all in an american accent i would be like so horny you'd be a horn bag just a just a grade a horn bag um but yeah there's something that does it that feels almost wholesome about it because even when it's sexy i mean god when

someone's like he grabbed her cervix, it's amazing. We've all been there, girlfriend. Am I right? We've all been there. But even like, I mean, in erotic literature, I don't think the words vagina or vulva or cervix are used that much. It's all like sexy names. so it's very anatomical clinical yeah so it doesn't really feel dirty when i'm listening to it but maybe that's the thing maybe my dad's just actually secretly really prudish and wanted to just make a quick buck so i thought porn's the way to go but actually couldn't bring himself to write anything sexy maybe that's it maybe maybe that's it yeah i'm wondering and it's weird because it's your dad,

but I'm just wondering what's his, like, been watching porn? Like, what are his actual, what's he pulling from? Yeah, Jamie, what's he pulling from? I don't want to know what he's been pulling, all right? I mean, it's fascinating and honestly beautiful because it shows that you can be sexual at any age and we're all, you know, sexual beings. It's beautiful. Exactly. And he's obviously very creative.

I mean, he's deluded, but he's creative nonetheless. Very creative. We've obviously rinsed him and teased him a lot. But I think because we've written a book that is about the podcast and about Rocky's amazing canon of work. When we started to do that, we realized how difficult it is. Like, it's tricky being a writer. Oh, my gosh. It's so, the hardest part of writing is writing.

I mean, it's just sitting down at a computer actually getting words out. Because it's easy, you know, you're brainstorming and you're thinking, oh, wouldn't it be cool if in this part. But when you actually sit down and writing a book is so hard um you know i'm writing action and dialogue and song lyrics but writing a book is even harder but yeah there's a lot of filler in yours yeah yeah there's it's pretty easy um but you know there are probably people listening to the podcast who are laughing at it but who themselves have said to themselves well someday i'm going to write a book and still haven't written a book exactly he actually did it exactly he actually did it it's really really hard to follow through on anything that is voluntary like just purely for your own personal creative happiness i think he's very

very quick he's a prodigious writer like he has written how many now, Jamie? Oh, God, I think he's on, like, the seventh or eighth book of the series. Yeah. Oh, my God, that's amazing. Is it? Really cool. It's not your dad. It's really cool that he's chosen to, like, pursue literature. And it is.

And I think he will continue to do it because it is such a passion. When's your book coming out? Our book is out in October. October the 27th is its release date. We're very excited about it. That's awesome. Yeah, it's really exciting, actually. I'm very excited to read it. We are going to definitely get pre-ordering. Oh, you better be pre-ordering. You can actually pre-order it now. I'm all over that. We know you've got all the Benjamins, pre-ordering. You can actually pre-order it now. I'm all over that. We know you've got all the Benjamins, Rachel. Pre-order four copies. Come on.

I mean, that is my new Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Yes. Can we ask you a question about the future of the Belinda Blink books? Where would you like Belinda to go? What would be the thing that you would love to see happen? I want to go back

because she mentions that her dad was the one who taught her sales. I want to go back, like, into her past. I want to see, like, she's 20 years old the first time she fucked for a deal. I want a Belinda origin story. Great idea. That's a really good idea. We haven't talked about that yet. No.

Rocky, get writing. The prequel. Get writing. Does he listen to every episode? About 10 million times. Yeah. That's great. Hi, Rocky.

He's very excited that you're on the show. He's watching you on Netflix. Oh! Well, that's really flattering. That's really unusual. Great, thank you. You're fans of each other's work. To our list of celebrity fans do you have a

physical list i do now because in case we want to pull for guest stars or just like to look at when i'm feeling blue i have an ongoing like list of like here's someone who thinks our show is cool with with aline so don't pretend it's for work purposes i love that you're like yeah it's um in case we actually ever need to contact them um for something really important and professional it's just so you can be like oh my god look who loves us oh 100 100 this whole thing is still really fresh because i only had a show on the air less than a year so i'm still really tickled it's gone mad it has been such a mental time Did you ever have an inkling that it would go so huge, so stratospheric? It went in peaks and valleys because I felt so good when we filmed the pilot.

We originally filmed it with Showtime and then Showtime passed on what I thought was an amazing pilot. And then I really mourned the show. I was like, this isn't going to happen. And then so when it came along for CW, it kind of came out of the blue when I'd already, I'd already let it go. It makes the whole thing even more special because you never know. I think when I was filming the Showtime pilot, I was really, really high on myself. I was about to get married. I was telling my fiance,

I was like, oh baby, we're going to buy a house. I'm going to buy you everything you've ever wanted, my fiance, I was like, oh baby, we're going to buy a house. I'm going to buy you everything you've ever wanted, baby. And then I was just like, oh, I'm going to be so rich. And I, I bought like really expensive wedding dress. And then, uh, and then we got passed on and I went, uh, and I went back to writing and I wrote the show robot chicken and, um, which is a sketch show. Uh, that's like stop motion animation and I had just I was in the Robot Chicken Writers Room I had just pitched a song to be sung by all of the Disney princes

called We All Have Stinky Dicks about how all of Disney movies take place in the 1700s, 1800s so all of their dicks would be stinky and that idea had just gotten passed on in the writers's room when i got the call from elene saying we were ordered to series so i got that call and i went i quit and then you just casually win a golden globe and the rest is history

and the rest is history um no and those guys are so sweet i'm sad you didn't mention stinky dicks in the acceptance speech oh you know what maybe that's if we win if if i get to win some sort of emmy because we're nominated for songwriting for emmy oh maybe i'll um i'll slip that in there oh yeah if you could slip in stinky dicks and if you can get like a and if you could get a belinda character name in there as well, that'd be awesome. Just thank Rocky. Oh, right. This is dedicated to Rocky Stone Stone. Yes. Well, Rachel, it's been so, so fun having you with us.

Oh, my gosh. Aline and I, all we want to do is go to London. Well, first of all, just go to London. But also hang out with you guys. So thank you so much. The next time you're down, hook us up. We'll go for beers. Absolutely.

Oh, definitely. I've only been once and it was like 10 years ago. Oh, brilliant. We can show you the town. It'll be great. Drinks on Rocky. And we'll go see the new Belinda musical. We absolutely will.

And best of luck. So, you're still filming. And when will we be able to see that in the UK? God, I don't know. I wish as soon as possible. We premiere in the US on October 21st. So I don't know what the Netflix deal is. Yeah, it will be on Netflix, though.

Maybe just send us a VHS. I'll send you, yes, specifically a VHS. I won't send you a DVD or a link. You have to get a VCR. Oh, I've still got a VCR. I think you're all fools for moving on from that technology. Oh, really?

The picture is just so great. On a VCR? I love that this is the thing that you're taking a stand on. None of Rocky's work, you're like, I will not have you joke about a VCR. This is insane.

What are you doing? Oh, this podcast is despicable. So yeah, anyone who hasn't checked out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, it's on Netflix now. Absolutely watch it. It is brilliant. And Rachel Bloom, thank you so much for coming on our show. Thanks, Rachel. Thank you. Thanks for

having me.