My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Righting The Wrongs

Episode Date: September 20, 2018

Jamie, Alice and James correct some of their many, many mistakes from over the years Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. Now it's been three years for us with Steel's Pots and Pans. Three weeks for Belinda, obviously. Has it really been three years we've been doing this? Oh yeah, at this very table. God. And we thought it was high time to, yeah, at this very table. God. And we thought it was high time to get our appraisal from the listenership. Oh, no.

Because we keep getting shit wrong. So we're here in Bill's office. We're in HR. And we're ready to kind of go through all the things that we've been doing wrong. Yeah, the listener's favourite thing to do is correct us on, you know, facts we get wrong. Yeah, like back in book two i said that the harpies were from greek mythology and they were on the rocks to sink the ships they were actually sirens got that wrong i get tweets about it probably four or five a week the biggest one for me is

chiara how we say chiara right i'm not joking we get two to three emails a week of people saying it it's pronounced Kia. Is it Kia? He still doesn't know. Kiara, James. It's pronounced Kiara, get it right. And they're like, I can't listen anymore because it's so annoying. But you checked with Rocky, right?

Yes, I checked with Rocky. I think I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again definitively. Listen to yourselves. You checked with Rocky. I mean, is that even a way of verifying anything? that's true but it came from his mind yeah the thing is with this chiara chiara debacle is that i checked with dad and it is definitely meant to be chiara dad often changes the pronunciation of the special j levy's chiara okay And there is someone that we know, a family friend called Chiara. This is such bullshit.

He's befriended somebody, made them change their name by depot, just to make this a valid excuse. No, no, no, no. She's called Chiara, but he calls her Chiara. Oh, fine, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he kind of very much embraces the,

it's no hard Ks for him. What's wrong with dads with names? Because my dad calls somebody we know michelle now that name is michelle and has always been michelle but he's always like you know michelle why are you putting that stress on it you've never heard anybody say that where have you got that from i always said it isn't the name thing but when people say a neck lace or we're going around the houses are you referring to me me? I am referring to you, yeah. That was very thin and failed.

Neck lace. It's a necklace. Neck lace. It's a necklace. Do you think of it as a neck lace? A lace that's placed around the neck? Yes. Right, okay.

Because it is. And houses. Houses. What should it be? He's always like, this train takes us around the houses. The houses. Houses. I don't see the difference.

Do you say leafs or leaves? Leaves. There's no hope. Anyway, we've kind of wandered a bit. But no, it is supposed to be Chiara. So please just stop mentioning it because we do know that technically it's Chiara. You know you've just opened the floodgates to more messages now. You've asked for it.

You've basically poked the wasp's nest. Yeah. There's something else someone recently flagged that we didn't really bring up do you remember when belinda was um shagging jim sterling near the toilets at the wedding recently well we've got an email called belinda toilet issues okay from nigel okay i hate to be that guy but has anyone else considered that belinda needed a poo at the wedding before having sex with jim sterling returning to the wedding party dancing with dr robbins and then going back to the toilets at the wedding before having sex with Jim Sterling, returning to the wedding party, dancing with Dr. Robbins and then going back to the toilets with Helga and having sex again

all whilst baking a cake in the bottom oven. Oh! Nigel! I've never heard that. I'm not even going to read the last line. It's gross. Worse than baking a cake in the bottom oven? Yes. I mean, Helga was munching away centimetres from the

turtle's head. my god i told you nigel you should be ashamed of yourself nigel's actually typed that out and press send how did that not go straight to junk that's what i want to know sometimes it's like it's like great philosophy isn't it these emails multitasking though well done belinda she gets points for that um chris has emailed and do you remember i think alice you said that it sounded like helga had a hand whisk attached to her tongue when she was like licking out belinda sure yeah yeah well apparently there's a there's an actual device on sale that does this it's called the squeal squeal yeah here it is it's like a how do you describe it it's like a wheel with loads of

like a turbine and you must just put it to your vagina An old water mill What are they tongues then? Each bit that comes off the wheel is a tongue Is a tongue I'm sorry where do you get this from? Asking for a friend Well he sent a link Oh great well That's in the inbox is it?

Great I might post that on Instagram actually Alice's Christmas presents Sorted Is that a weird stocking filler for everyone? I don't know The squeal It's spelled S-Q-W-E-E-L.

Yes, because if it's a wheel, then it makes you squeal. Very good. Very clever. Oh, and someone jumping to my defence now. No, there's no time left. Thank you, everybody, for joining us. Porno Day is back on Monday. Shut up.

It's from Abby. The subject title is Fanny. James was right. Fanny is a character in The Famous Five. She's the mother of famous five she's the mother of dick she's the mother of james i'm so sorry she's the mother of dick and george and the aunt of julian and anne so is known as aunt fanny you did say it you did say it you are the best read at this table apart from her somewhat unfortunate name she's actually the most boring character known to earth did rocky write this seriously oh this is one we got a lot oh um and he said it was such a

knowing kind of grin i think it's something that james also feels go and a broad wedding oh come on no that's caused a real stir it's in a broad wedding that's all people have been saying to us of late no really really it's really annoying people i'm stopping you in the streets yeah it's not called an abroad wedding surprise surprise it's called a destination wedding says who everybody literally everyone who's emailed in if i search destination now in the inbox yeah 80 of the emails it isn't in the oed is it though what destination wedding yeah well neither is a broad wedding so I'm not sure that's helping. No, but, you know, we can agree that it isn't a definitive answer. I can't believe he's defending himself, James.

It never sounded right, either. Yeah. I don't think a destination wedding sounds right, either. I think an abroad wedding's kind of nice. People are, you know, as ever, it's a constant criticism, but the accents. Yeah. Helga, in particular, was pretty dreadful. I think you just need to be held to account I mean I think your head gets a bit big after a while are you kidding me I think the reason that James and I flag those emails that we

get uh with a little orange dot is just so that you come across them and maybe it just needs to eat away important flagged flagged um look I never claimed to be some great voice artiste. That's literally what you claim all the time. I think it adds a kind of charm. It's almost like my accents are as bad as the writing. Do you know what I mean? You've created your own beast, though. They've gone like, they've just taken on a life of their own.

It's almost like you don't decide what comes out of your mouth. Well, that is true. I don't have much control. I'm not trained, classically. Who's in charge? You or the voices? They're eating you alive. It's almost like you don't decide what comes out of your mouth. Well, that is true. I don't have much control. I'm not trained classically. Who's in charge? You or the voices? They're eating you alive.

Maybe I should just stop doing the voices. Oh, thank God. No. No, it's up to him. But do you think that they are distracting? Yeah. Yeah, do you think? No, I think they fill out the world.

James, James, you're tired. Oh, someone listens in Yemen. Sorry, just spotted an email. James isn't even listening. Just chirping up every now and then. Hello to Yemen. Didn't Rocky at one point say he wanted to write a book set in the Middle East? Yeah, I think he did.

Yeah, Belinda blinked in Saudi Arabia. God, that's coming. Do you think? Is it completed? Well, I can only imagine. It's but a title at this stage. But then again, I mean, he thinks of titles first, doesn't he? It is but a little seed, Alice, that will grow into a lovely big... Well, like the Tamarix flute.

That's all from the Middle East, isn't it? So maybe Belinda will go in search of the recipe for the drug. Speaking of drugs, Rocky. Yes. Drugs. What's his relationship? On them? Well, it would explain so much.

The writing would suggest that, wouldn't it? No, my dad is really really really anti-drugs although would you class alcohol as a drug I mean I guess it is but I mean we know his position on that obviously so he's a user of Chardonnay well he's anti-illegal drugs yes yes yes

and yet he's glamorised them so much in the most recent chapter he's always like marijuana will make your penis shrink is that a fact I don penis shrink is that is that is that a fact i don't know if that is a fact right i'm googling that um but yeah no my my parents were never keen on drugs he must have had an off the rails youth a moment what in northern ireland i don't know what do they cook up there it's all just natural silage over there oh right okay

the high that you get from that it is quite pungent silage. You look thrilled. Just going back to the penis shrinkage. Oh, yes. Smoke cannabis. There's no physiological evidence that would suggest that smoking cannabis makes your penis smaller,

but there's a handful of documented cases for a condition called cannabis-induced coro. Oh. Coro, a Malay expression for turtle's head. Second use of turtle head in the episode today. It's an acute panic reaction associated with the perception of penile retraction. What?

This is so meta. What? You think that your penis is retracting, so your penis retracts. Exactly. One of the more significant coro epidemics took place in Singapore in 1967, in which nearly 500 people sought medical help,

believing vaccinated pork was making their penises retract. So yeah, if you think it, if you conceive it, you can achieve it, basically. Isn't that the secret? Imagine blaming pork, though. That seems like, well, in the bedroom, like, oh, I had that pork. I'm sorry, yeah yeah i had some vaccinated pork i had a crazy chop before i came here and that's why that's gone so it's not directly connected to the cannabis it's it's um it's all in the mind okay you can mentally make your penis

smaller well try obviously i can't do it but you know try right now or is there a minimum size do you think it works the other way you can engorge it trick it into it being massive oh here you go i thought something had happened then james is like oh yeah you? Do you reckon it works the other way? You can... Engorge it. Trick it into it being massive. Oh, here you go. Oh, I thought something had happened then. James is like, oh yeah, you can. Do you want to see? No, weed dick is a thing and it's ruining people's sex lives. Weed dick?

Weed dick. Do you think he's being Scottish? A weed dick? I thought, it's just a little weed dick. Oh, sorry, I'm just going to read the bit of this article. We all know about the tragedy of whiskey dick when alcohol makes a dude's fun stick not so fun. This is not the NHS.com, is it?

New animal studies reveal that cannabis has an inhibitory effect on certain receptors inside the erectile tissue of the penis, which is basically a fancy way of saying that weed can make it more difficult to get it up, so it causes erectile dysfunction. Oh, maybe that's what he meant then. So there you go. Don't smoke a tamarisk flute if you're about to have sex up. So it causes erectile dysfunction. Oh, maybe that's what he meant then. So there you go. Don't smoke a tamarisk flute if you're about to have sex

because you won't be able to, basically. But I love that that was a classic dad thing of telling you something that's a bit of a tall tale and it meant that it kept you off it forever. Well, it didn't really work, but yeah. I'm so boring. I'm not really into the drugs. I did something called dare at school drug abuse

resistance education bloody hell pc world and had a massive effect on me what the police constable yeah he'd come in once a week and give you a class about the negative effects of drugs it stuck with me for my whole life oh good we did that too did you we had this book with case studies about people obviously they were based on real people but they were made up so it would be called say um sally's story right and it'd be like so sally um she had loads of friends um she um was an a grade student every subject a grade her family she got on great with her family oh she's so annoying oh sally what a bitch and then it would be like um one day uh some cool girls at school said sally, do you want to try a cigarette?

She's like, no, I'm all right, thanks. They're like, just try it. But the first one's free, just try it. So she tried it, right? You'll never guess what happened. What? Well, grades started to suffer. She fell out with her friends and had a really bad relationship with her family.

After one cigarette? And she died. She died? She died. She did not. She died. It's probably unrelated, but she died. She had an She died. She did die. She died. It's probably unrelated, but she died. She had an undiagnosed heart condition.

But do you not remember every story was like that? Whether it was weed or cigarettes or pills or whatever. And you had to do, do you have to do role plays? Oh yeah. I was Sally. I was very convincing. Okay, should we do one? So you're Sally, I'm pushing the... Oh yeah, they were always pushing it.

Yeah. Always pushing it. Oh yeah, a disco, because they were always at a disco. Yeah, okay. Who can I be? You're with me because it's peer pressure. Oh, okay. It's always peer pressure. Hey, Sally were always pushing it. Always pushing it. Oh yeah, a disco. We were at a disco, yeah. Who can I be? You're with me because it's peer pressure. Yeah, it's always peer pressure. Hey Sally.

Hi Sally, how are the grades? Top notch, thanks. This party sucks. Do you want to take a pill? Oh, I was having quite a good time. Oh, go on. Like, what's the harm? Yeah, everyone's doing it, Sally.

I don't know. I feel like people won't think... Sally, take a goddamn pill. Hey, hey. Wow, guys. There's so many shapes and then colors fast forward yeah I can't believe Sally's died what a beautiful funeral it's gorgeous the flower arrangements that die oh no don't say to die it's a funeral no but then you'd go rewind and then you do the scenario again where Sally refuses the drugs yes and lives a long and happy life there was also there was always a lot of emphasis on how much people would dislike you if you didn't do the drugs.

Yeah. So that everybody would be sat around being like, you know who's not here? Sally. And we fucking hate her because she's not doing drugs. Does anybody care? No. I actually, at the end of the course, wrote a rap. Oh, Lord.

Oh, for God's sake. Please say you've got it with you today. That I performed in assembly about Dare. Oh, my God. You know it off by heart, don't you? I don't remember any of it. You do. The, for God's sake. Please say you've got it with you today. That I performed in assembly about Dare. Oh, my God. You know it off by heart, don't you? I don't remember any of it. You do. The teacher loved it so much, the whole class had to recite the rap.

Oh, James. It was incredible. Did you get your head kicked in? They forced pills down his throat. It was at the Year 6 Leavers' Assembly, and there was a dance routine as well, but I'd sprained my ankle, so we couldn't do the dance routine. What are you talking about? Sorry, there was a dance routine too. You can't really do dance routines to raps can you in

retrospect I don't know well you can't you choreographed it you tell us so where would we get hold of the rap your mum will still have the rap surely your mum's kept everything that you've ever written why did I just say that I want to find the rap can you send Angela a little message where would it be? It's probably in a box in the loft somewhere. I could probably dig it out. Oh my God, please find it. For a future episode,

we need you to not only recite it, but perform it because you definitely know the dance routine. I see an Instagram story. You know when people talk about how they could have been huge stars, you know, in sport or, you know, in some kind of physical activity.

I love that this is a defining moment in James's life where he sprained his ankle, but that could have been his moment where he became of physical activity. I love that this is a defining moment in James's life where he sprained his ankle, but that could have been his moment where he became a professional dancer. I could have... Oh, I thought you were going to say rapper. I could have been the next Eminem.

I think it was called Just Say No. Well, that was their caption, yeah. Because there was a song, actually. There was a D.A.R.E. song. I remember that. I didn't write that. That's an official... Do you want to hear?

An official... Just say no to drugs and yes to music. Just say no to drugs and yes to life. Just say no. Where's the melody? Let me see if I can find the song. So what do you say no to drugs, say yes to life and music?

Oh, I can't find it online. Maybe I did write it. Maybe it is my own original composition quite get that publishing deal did you james um but there were other ones like just say no to drugs and yes to sports like you just kept adding like recreation activities whatever you were into personally oh i see say yes to musicals yes say yes to musicals say yes to snogging boys to dating yeah exactly right yeah dare though god do you not do it jane um that's why i was on those doobies i'm wild wild i don't remember it but um you wouldn't have touched that shit if

you'd been on debt i was too busy getting hair i've kind of blocked out a lot of school so i don't really remember because of the cloud the cloud of drugs you couldn't say no to drugs why didn't you say yes to life and music i have said yes to all those things um i mean we've wandered off the point many times but um interesting chat learned a lot thanks guys um so tune in next monday where we'll be back to undoubtedly make more mistakes which you will in turn correct us on i'm sure i'm off to say no to drugs and yes to lunch. Okay, great. With Vizzy Hart Seltzer, you can follow your vibe. Whether you're looking to bring the energy to your next pre-drink with our new 7% ABV Vizzy Max Pack,

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