My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Rocky Answers Your Questions 2

Episode Date: June 1, 2017

You have questions, Rocky Flintstone has answers...sort of. The author and genius behind the 'Belinda Blinked' saga gets his exclusive right to reply in the first Footnotes of series 3... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. The footnotes is the first one of this season. Very excited. Footnotes is when we look at the book in a bit more detail. Sometimes we have mega fans on the show. Some celebrities that just can't get enough of Belinda. But this week we thought we'd hear from the biggest mega fan of Belinda. And that's the person who wrote it. Rocky Flintstone himself.

He doesn't get enough right to reply, does he in fact he's not usually available to reply to any of our queries or complain he doesn't want to he's like answer it for yourself it's to be interpreted so we asked you online for your questions for my dad and boy did you rise to the challenge we got thousands of questions in it's amazing and he sent quite a few answers back so are you ready to hear why he did what he did why he did what he did what was in his crazy mind all this time is this like when victims want closure so where to begin here's with the first one. Okay, first question. Kieran wants to know, if any character were to get their own spin-off novel,

who would you think would have the most interesting story? Oh, okay. So a bit like with superhero stories where they zoom in on one of them and go either prequel. Origin story. Exactly, all of that. Or like Better Call Saul, you know? Yeah.

Having a whole series about Saul Goodman. Exactly. So who do you think? I'd Having a whole series about Saul Goodman. Exactly. So who do you think? I'd like to see where Giselle's come from, because I feel like that would be her moving to the UK. From the Dutchland. From the Netherlands. I just don't know.

I feel like she's covered a lot of ground in her young years. I want to know more about the Duchess. I want a TV show like The Crown, following decades of her life and like important moments. Well, you're both wrong, but James, maybe you're a little bit closer. Because dad says, hi, Kieran. Let me do that like a politician. Hi, Kieran.

You know, that would have to be Sir James Godwin. Oh, actually great shout. He's so old. I'd be able to write an encyclopedia about him. Of course he's thinking quantity, not quality. His three earlier marriages. His time as a drug baron in Venezuela. What are you talking about?

He's making it up as he writes it down. How he helped wife number one successfully give birth in the jungle. Where are all these hospitals in the jungle yeah is there a maternity ward next to the new knob ward i think that's the point there isn't one you have to hand deliver the baby oh i see of course we're being stupid james cut the umbilical cord with a spear exactly um how he made his first million and then promptly lost it all in the Monaco Casino. Oh, well, it's easily done. His story goes on and on and on. You know it would.

I love that it would be real time. You know, how old is he? Well, like 80 and it would take about that long to read it. Oh, yeah. But it goes on about how he bought into the Steeles business and married their only daughter, only to see her parachute not open when they were skydiving for the Ashes and Donkeys Trust charity. Oh my God!

That's so tragic! Spoiler alert! What on earth is he talking about? So what, she plummeted to her death? Her parachute didn't open. Oh God. On a skydive for the SSNH Trust. Honestly, it gets so many people.

Oh my God. So he married like Miss Steel. Yeah. And then she died and he inherited the business. So it seems. This is so good. I can't bear it. Why didn't the parachute open?

Who messed with that parachute? Sir James Godwin. Wait a minute. Wait a cotton-picking minute. I smell something fishy. So do you think Godwin tampered with the parachute to inherit the business? Maybe. There's a motive.

There's a motive. And we all know he didn't love her. I mean, I can literally say anything because I'm parachute to inherit the business. Maybe. There's a motive. There's a motive. And we all know he didn't love her. I mean, I can literally say anything because I'm making it up as we go along. Well, looks like she was the third of three wives. Oh, God, how did the others die? Divorce beheaded, parachute didn't open. Her and James Seymour. Two bees in a pod.

He is a bit Henry VIII-like now, now that I think about it. Bit of a womaniser. I mean, that's a book I'd read, I think. Sir James Godwin's backstory. Well, there you go, James. The next question I feel is a little bit loaded, actually. Okay. It's from Tartan and Wax.

Excuse me? Tartan and Wax. Tartan and Wax, okay. Rocky would definitely write about the tartan and wax industry. Well, they've asked, of jamie's accents is the most wildly inaccurate oh because these are just interpretations this is just where you've let your imagination run can i guess i know what you're gonna say bella of course that's where you just exercise some horrible demon that's within you honestly It's like there's a tiny little scroochy woman inside Jamie

just trying to get out. Help me! Down a well. So my dad responded to tartan and wax. Good. He obviously can not only not write but not read.

He says, tart and wax? Sounds like a car wash option. Does it? Oh, it does. A tart and a wax. It's like you're not cleaning the car. You're just like tarting it it does. A tart and a wax. It's like, you're not cleaning the car,

you're just like, Oh, just tarting it up. Boofing it. With a bit of a wax. Just padding the cushions and things like that. Oh, give it a tart and a wax. So he says, tart and wax

sounds like a car wash option. Just saying. Don't kill me. That's his new thing on Twitter. It is. Just saying is his new phrase. Who you know is this why he puts on

everything just saying he's heard it somewhere we need to find out where does he put the g on saying no he misses the end yeah oh god and i think he takes the t off just just oh no he does it's just saying just saying does he think he's picking up like youth speak as he goes along? But I'm actually quite happy with this answer because he says, I really am a big fan of Jamie's accents. I think they bring a fourth dimension to the podcast. Have you written this? But what beats me is how we can remember them all.

I mean, by the time we finish series three, there'll be about 40 or so characters. What? Jesus. 40 characters. Oh oh god what's gonna happen this series and that'll take some remembering it will dad you're right he can't believe you remember the accents but he doesn't even remember the characters exactly yeah hang on are there gonna be 40 characters in one chapter at once i bet he'll pack them in i think it just means that there are 40 characters in one chapter as in letters on the page all right sure yeah you know like chapter four of book one but linda got out of a car chapter five

he says so none of his accents are inaccurate they're all 10 out of 10 oh thanks dad i feel a little bit like he's got a gun to his head with that answer were you present when he typed that i am his son he is going to defend me. I think his accents are really good. I wish them all the best for their future endeavours. I think the subtext is, it's Bella. Bella's the shit one. I read Bella from that too.

Well, it's interesting that you say that because the next question is in relation to Bella. Okay. Specifically. Who sent this in? Abby Lopez says, what do you think of your son's representation of Bella? Is it accurate? People are using accurate to mean good. Do you hate it?

Is what people mean by, is it accurate? Is it the pits? Love Abby. And he says, hi, Abby. I'm afraid it is. Totally. Because you see, even on this, his punctuation, hi, Abby, comma. I'm afraid it is comma, totally comma. Because you see, even on this, his punctuation, Hi, Abby, comma. I'm afraid it is comma, totally comma, because you see comma.

Jamie had an early school friend who was just like Bella. Did she? Who? One difference, of course, she had a Manchester accent. Whereas we all know Bella comes from Bromley-by-Bow in East London. Does she? Does she now? We didn't know she was an East Ender. There you go.

We all know means literally no one knew. You've just told us. Yeah, you've invented that. We all know now. Didn't we think she was from Essex? That's very close to Essex, isn't it? Bromley-by-Bow. So you've been doing it right all along, Jamie?

Who and you? No, I wouldn't say he's been doing it right. Maybe geographically he's roughly in the right ballpark. And he says i'm pretty certain jamie is reproducing this young lady when he does bella and it's great so i want to know who he thinks this early school friend is is there someone that immediately fits the bill i mean there is to be honest who is it i can't really say her name on the uh on the podcast because i'm not strictly speaking in touch with her anymore well let's call her bella so what traits might he have uh enjoyed wait a sec when you were at school so

how old was she this was like sixth form like you know we were 16 17 pretty much adults yeah pretty much legal well yeah was she gobby she was a bit gobby and a little bit outrageous and liked to drink she was a bit of a train wreck I'm not gonna lie but she was great and really good fun

do we know how she's turned out I don't think it's gone well oh god so he met her when she came around to the house and did you ever think that she was an inspiration that would be weird

a muse yeah that would be really odd if he did find that a thing i've seen videos of this girl just of her dancing oh yeah just of her like dancing drunk yeah yeah yeah it's quite a sight to behold it is it is it kind of is isn't it oh god no the more i think about it yeah so if she were to read this would she see herself on those pages she was was so like Bella that I think it would have gone way over her head. Oh my God.

I hope she's listening. She's like, I'm Bella. That awful realisation when you realise you're Bella. But if you're Bella, you'd love it. Yeah. So she'd actually be like, best day of my life, surely. Right, should we move on? I think we should.

So Stephen Hyland wants to know. Stop saying people's names like we know them. So Stephen Highland's been on. All right. He says, if Belinda were to have a career change, where else could you see her skill set bring her to the top of her profession? Oh, what about recruitment? Yeah.

I can imagine it as some kind of. Are you serious? What? Belindainda she'd get the best people are you joking she got the loosest people oh she would my darling or an agent like a hollywood agent oh that's good yeah well actually that's quite similar to dad oh go on so he says oh let me guess hi stephen highland no you're wrong oh he says hi steph oh because he loves a bit of stephen king doesn't he calls him steph best mate so that means he's been listening that means he doesn't miss a beat because that's what we criticized him for before referring to stephen

king as steph yeah rocky listens rocky's the biggest fan of this podcast hi rocky oh yeah hi rocky are you okay i'm really sorry for anything that you've heard that james might have said that might have hurt your feelings okay we love the book so he says hi steph by the way great name or actually says btw a great name btw he's getting so down with the kids it's because he's on Twitter it's worrying is what it is so hi Steph great name by the way I think Belinda would do extremely well

in publishing oh I mean not not to be harsh but what the fuck does he know

or even the as we call it these days these days the media the media it's always been called the media very new phrase isn't it we don we call it these days, these days, the media. It's always been called the media. Very new phrase, isn't it? We don't call it the media.

I feel like you wouldn't be like, I'm head of publishing or head of the media, you might say. Doesn't he call us like media friends? Yeah, media chums he calls us. Even his own son. Thanks for that, Dad. Media chums. Media chums, he calls us.

Even his own son. Thanks for that, Dad. Media chums. And he says, just think of her as the top dog at the BBC. Or even better, Virgin Media. Even better. A more commercial outlet that holds some football rights. A girl can but dream.

Something that she knows nothing about either. Virgin Media. Are you kidding? Boy, would she breathe new life into that organisation. Oh, it needs it. There'd be no problem with trade descriptions with Belinda at the helm. Honestly, it'd be porn back to back. Babe Station would be moved up to the first channel before BBC One. I love the idea that he's been harbouring this need to shake up Virgin Media.

Why does he care? He's not even with Virgin Media. Is he not? I can imagine Rocky doesn't subscribe to a service. He's just like hooked up some weird like faux cable situation. Into the pavilion. Yeah, exactly. Like loads of wires just going through puddles.

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i'm not sure that's true yeah that's what I'm trying to capture. And when I see a group of youngish men or girls, I think, they're having a great time. That's my Glee team. Why are they his? That's my Glee team. Why are they his Glee team? He just joins them. Hey, Glee team.

And they're like, who on earth is this? We're a Glee team, guys. Yeah. That's my Glee team. He would do that, though. If he saw a group of people in a pub having a good time he'd go up and have a drink with him he's very sociable like incredibly so did he describe them as carefree but responsible that's what i say to that please responsible spending

five grand on a riding outfit that's not very responsible shagging the pilot of a plane when it's coming into land that's not very responsible getting your tits out in the Pentra Hotel of all places. Not responsible. I mean... The list goes on. Lock them up. Lock them up. All right, fun police.

Chelsea Hopkins says, how does Rocky like to decorate his pavilion? Oh, great question. So with loads of loose wires and puddles. Yeah, sparking in the corner. Yeah, because I've only imagined it that there's just a desk in the middle of the room and him and his typewriter, but he must have art on the walls and bunting. Well, you're both going to come down and visit the pavilion at some point, aren't you? Well, actually, you don't know this, but I have been emailing with both Rocky and Wilma today.

Oh, really? I'm going to be attending tomorrow. Are you really? I'm in the area. Oh, my God. You can to be attending tomorrow. Are you really? I'm in the area. Oh, my God. You can't go without me. I've been invited to a barbecue. In the pavilion?

In the pavilion. Alice, be careful. You know how barbecues turn out in Belinda Blount. Oh, my God. Look under your chair. If it says 13, run. Run for your life. Is there a maze?

I didn't even think about that. There isn't a maze. There's a tiny? I didn't even think about that. There isn't a maze. There's a tiny little pond. Oh, there you go. So Wilma said that I could stay for tea and Rocky will be firing up the barbecue. There you go. It makes it sound like it's a huge open fire pit situation.

I'm so jealous you've seen the pavilion without me. Sorry, I'll take some snaps. I thought we'd agreed. Well, if you get a personal invite from Rocky and Wilma, you don't turn it down. Oh, gutted. Do we not CC'd? No.

Not even be CC'd. So, Dad has responded to the decorating the pavilion question. And they just got back to me and they said no. Sorry, James. He says, Chelsea, it's a great question. And one that's very close to my heart. I feel like this is a bit of a spoiler for you, Alice, you're going to see it tomorrow i know paint a picture with words jamie you see i built my pavilion with my own hands i feel like i'm gonna know that from the statement

yeah no you really will and also decorated it to be honest wilma did the painting and a very fine job it is too but because we live in a sort of coastal location, breaking the fourth wall, I've panelled the interior walls with wood cladding. Oh, nautique. Shiplap, we experts call it. And it's very beautiful. They look like a sauna, that, inside or something.

He says it looks like a coffin. Coffin? That's what he says. He's always like, come to the pavilion, looks like a sauna then inside or something he says it looks like a coffin that's what he says he's always like come to the pavilion looks like a coffin that's where good literature goes to die clearly it's embalmed every day of the week in there what what is he an expert in exactly well he was a builder wasn't he oh yeah so shipwreck is what builders call it is that what he means i'd imagine so sure alice please take some pictures oh are you joking i'm gonna just be live streaming the whole time

amy's got in touch and she says rocky likes to include music in his stories for example herb alper yes does rocky have any particular artist he likes to listen to when he writes? Or any particular singer who inspires him when coming up with his plots? Good question, Amy. Yeah. I'm intrigued by this one. He says, yes, I do enjoy listening to Adele. Oh, me too.

Some of her songs give me inspiration. But to be honest, Adele could be Belinda in another life. What? A much different life. Yeah. To Belinda. I can see her as part of the Glee team. Only she'd be the best singer.

It's good of him. Another great inspiration is Chris Martin of Coldplay. I just love their music, especially Viva La Vida. Mums and dads love that one, don't they? And I've had the honour of seeing them live in Wembley Stadium. Has he? He has. By the way, these are two artists I'd like the guys to have on footnotes. Thanks dad. I've always said I want Adele on footnotes. But wait, didn't you... Can I say this? What? Didn't you say that she listens? Okay. I've heard...

Go on. That she's settled down. Found a guy. Married now. I have it on good authority from someone who went to a dinner party with her. Yeah. That they were having dinner, chatting away. My dad wrote a porno came up.

As it so often does. I mean, any good dinner party, that would be one of the major topics of the conversation, obviously. And she said, I'm going to do my Adele impression. Oh God. Oh, I've listened to that. It's really funny. I mean, that is going on the posters.

It's entirely possible she's just heard us say the following podcast contains adult themes, social content. But I'm taking it to mean she's listened to the whole thing. Or she misheard and she just heard porno and she's like, I've heard that yeah, that's funny. Oh, I love porn. And Dad says it would be great if they were Belinkas. It would be really great.

If she's listening, give Chris a nudge as well. Make Rocky stay. Got a few slots to fill. Al has got a question for Rocky and he says, will we ever learn about Belinda's childhood? Like her parents and stuff. Oh, yeah.

Wasn't there mention of her dad? Yeah, he was a wine merchant. Oh, of course. And taught her everything she knows about fine wines. Well, dad says, he says, hi, Al. Yes, that's coming down the line in the next couple of books. Down the line. Down the storyboard timeline.

That's coming down the line in the next couple of books down the line down the storyboard timeline that's coming down the line in the next couple of books but to be honest it's just filler nothing interesting don't look forward to it don't set your clock by it that's just filler nothing interesting next question way to tease them rocky leave them wanting more Does exactly what it says on the tin, filler. I think Suzanne Connolly's a little bit mean, actually. She says, how do you sleep at night? Oh, all right, Suzanne, hatchet job. Yeah. Unbelievable.

He says, Suzanne, when you get to my age of life, it's all about the Chardonnay. Oh, he's literally answering how he sleeps at night. Wonderful. It's one bottle, semicolon, or two. But then, you snore, and Wilma wakes you up with one hefty thump on the

shoulder. So, if you want to sleep at night, take a tip from the top. Stay single. That's a great gag! Come on! It's so good so good whoever knew he was a comedian because you think it's going to be the wine that knocked you out oh my god it's so good it's just so great and uh lara says is she lara from the book oh yeah gr Grigor Kolansky's underling? Probably not, because she says, has your life changed since the podcast started?

Well, we know the answer from your perspective, but interested to see what Robbie says. He's in London more. That's one thing. He wears more nice shirts. He does, doesn't he? Do you think that's a direct result? In case he gets spotted. He's always camera ready.

He always turns his back to the camera yeah yes lara yes my children now understand that i love chardonnay and gin so instead of real ale and guinness i get you guessed it chilean or on a good day when they're feeling flush australian chardonnay wait did you not know that you like chardonnay i never knew that before so you just keep buying him chardonnay now no i always got him real ale or because he's irish guinness that's a fair or something yeah but now we all get him gin and chili and and sometimes australian chardonnay and wafer thin turkey and but he also says this is quite sweet he says the other really great thing

is that I get to support some really worthwhile charities like the Eve Appeal and our friend Jess who needs support for a cancer treatment that and the Chardonnay

is that what he's added yeah oh Rocky what a gem such a philanthropist he really is actually he's such a good guy he's kind of

the Sir James Godwin of real life, isn't he? Check your parachute. Always check your parachute. So, yes, that was your questions. I think that's quite enlightening. Much better than the first Q&A we did with him in Series 1. He's learning. He's learning to write coherent answers.

Yeah, they were vaguely lucid, but I wouldn't say we've learned anything. As I always say to you, an entire waste of time, but always a great way to fill a footnote. I'm so glad that you've all wasted this time with us. We really appreciate it. And make sure you listen on Monday

for the next Porno Day, chapter two. And in the meantime, if you find your wandering hands tip-tapping P-O-R-N-O into a search engine, have a little look at the website. It's looking better than ever, James. Well done. Yeah, it is.

Yeah, someone else did it. Okay. It literally looks 150 times better. That makes so much sense, though. I wasn't actually going to tell you, but I did just ask a friend of ours to give it a little spruce. Who knew what they were doing? You'd probably tell.

Well, it is wonderful. It's looking great. Yeah. So have a look at it. All the vital stats on there. Yeah, all our live dates for this year. We've got some very big dates coming up. I know, we have some massive things coming up.

Also our store for all of our merchandise. It's brand new. That's on there as well. And if you've still not bought the book, there's a link to that. I mean, make Rocky's day. Yeah, all of that and more. It's mydadwroteaporno.com.

Right. That's your lot, really. Just saying. Just saying. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com,

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