My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Rocky Answers Your Questions 5

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Once again, you have questions and Rocky Flintstone has something resembling answers. You might learn something but you'll definitely be confused... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes footnotes and it is time for the traditional rocky q and a ah the annual time it's like christmas everyone's always got a query for him a question and by the end of this hopefully although unlikely those will be answered we never really have clarity do we after this no and honestly from reading through them this morning

more crazy than ever very vague so if you've sent your question in on Instagram Twitter there were loads there were so many weren't there yeah

thousands thousands millions millions millions of questions tens of thousands mental Jamie looks very serious i mean i couldn't

believe it i was like you have to wait through all these no lovely thank you for getting in touch always great to hear from you so should we just crack on let's i imagine there are some recurring themes there's some quite useful ones like this first one uh from milo he asks do you have any tips for starting off when writing a book for the first time oh it's actually quite a good question i thought all the people that milo could have asked hi milo hi milo people i forgot that he's so polite yeah he's you know address them individually please meet you hio. People ask me this a lot. Do they?

Do they? And the first thing you need to do is to write in a language you understand. He's broken his own first rule. Well, he is. I only write in English because of this. But that's not true. Dad peppers many languages through the books and has from the start.

There was Dutch. True, true. But he's never There was Dutch. True, true. But he's never committed to prose. No, true. Can he speak any other languages? He's very good at Portuguese, because obviously Brazil. Speaks French pretty well and Spanish. Really?

I just think it's a moot point. I don't know how many people are attempting to write their first book in a language they don't understand. I don't know how many people are like, oh, that's why I'm struggling. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the second part of his answer is actually a bit more useful. So secondly, start and keep going until you've written 600 words. Oh, okay, something tangible, right. At that stage, tear it all up and start again.

This time, write down the bits you can remember from your first effort that is called editing and i find it works a treat that's not edit what tearing up the whole work that's what you call insanity that's interesting though isn't it to be like if it's good enough i'll remember it yeah to be fair yeah i think there's a germ of like a really good suggestion in there i think it's too germ of like a really good suggestion in there I think it's too extreme well like with everything that dad says

you've got to find your own pathway through it but there's something there I mean I would say like maybe saving the first draft rather than destroying it

would let you refer back yeah tearing up seems extreme learn from your mistakes okay so that's why we only see chapters that have really quite memorable

moments in them there isn't any subtlety or nuance is there really yeah but that's what I only see chapters that have really quite memorable moments in them there there isn't any subtlety or nuances there really yeah but that's what i was going to say like he's doesn't seem to have followed his own advice i think what we get is is the pre what we get is the pre ripped up unless it isn't unless this is the stuff that he's decided to keep. God help us. Fucking hell. Okay, next up, Anna. Who would play Rocky in the movie of his life? Oh, bloody hell, Anna. Have we never asked this? I don't think we have.

I guess we always speculate about who'd be in the books, but never about him. His offerings for those are always niche, so let's see. I'm not sure Dad's really grasped the question. I think he feels like he has to approach them himself for the role because he says, Hi, Anna. I've he feels like he has to approach them himself for the role because he says, Hi, Anna. I've not met too many male celebs.

Oh, I see. So it has to be in his realm of opportunity. I think he thinks that he's being asked to actually cast this person. I've not met too many male celebs, but the one who could do it is Mr. Any guesses? I think Michael Sheen.

Michael Sheen. Okay. The only person he's met but also a fantastic character actor but I know I'm a bit of a come down from the British Prime Minister because obviously he famously played Tony Blair in The Queen but him being Welsh

and me Irish I think he could hack it he might even start to like drinking shards dot dot dot. Brackets. Insider info. He only drinks red wine.

Jules and Owen. Wow, thanks for that exclusive nugget. Hold the front page, Hello Magazine. Because I don't know if it was said, Rocky slash dad and Michael met backstage at one of our shows and they hit it off amazingly well sure I mean I think Michael's a very polite man uh I don't know if they've kept in contact or holiday together or spend any quality time together but yeah for sure a definite love at first sight moment absolutely

actually not a bad suggestion like I actually think I can see it do it really really well yeah so I imagine he would maybe spend some time with Rocky, some quality time. Yeah. So that he could kind of method it up. Absolutely. So I imagine Michael might be moving into the Flintstone, the pavilion, I suppose, for a bit. So yeah, there you go. Next up, we've got Thomas here.

Who would you prefer to be trapped on a desert island with? Jamie, Alice or James? Now, no offence to you two. If he doesn't say me, I'm going to be quite offended. No offence to me. I know the answer won't be me. It's definitely going to be James. That's what I'm worried about.

I'd drive him up the wall. That's a good question. Hey, Thomas, I wouldn't want to be responsible for any of their demises. Right. What, is he going to kill us on the island? Is he going to be a full lord of the flies? I mean, I'd be boring them rigid with business account info,

Excel documents and such stuff. How's he getting access to that on the desert island? Just from his head. You know he'll find a way. Yeah, surely. Any one of them would have to cut down the nearest palm tree and be paddling for dear life to the next island.

What a politician's answer. He's not committed. I think it means you, James. It would be me, wouldn't it? It would be me. Yeah. He'd love it. He'd love you two to just go on holiday together.

We'd have a whale of a time. And I think he's like super resourceful. So I think he'd actually be a real... I think I'd be shit on a desert island, but I think he'd be a real asset. He'd be amazing, actually. He'd be building... You'd have a small civilization in the week

without planning permission to get in his way. Can you imagine? Oh my God, what he would build. No constraints. Wow. This one's from Luke. Hi, Luke. Has Belinda been vaccinated?

Hi, Luke. Well, actually, no, because she isn't real. Of much more... Breaking that fourth wall. Of much more importance is that Wilma and I got ours. Ah. The Oxford AZ and we're just jabba jabba doing. Jabba jabba doing.

Apparently when he got it, mum told me that he was just running around the house saying, jabba jabba do, jabba jabba do. All day. Can you imagine living with that mind? That could be quite annoying, couldn't it? With all due respect, can you imagine? I mean, it's vaguely amusing once, a hundred times, just yelling. If he signed off an email with it, it would bring a small smile to my face.

If he was running around my house screaming it, I would jump out the window. Alex in Sweden. Hi, Alex. Says, which of Jamie's voices is your favourite and most like what you imagined when writing? Oh, wow, yeah. Because we never really know what he intends. Hi, Alex in Sweden. For me, it has to be James Spooner, RIP.

Closely followed by Bella and the Duchess Tide. Or should I say handcuffed? So Bella was what he imagined. Is that what he said i don't i think he just likes it maybe although james spooner to the letter really because he sort of gave you all the info you needed yeah spooner he actually um embellishes on that actually spooner is so like the greatest spy in our world sir sean connery rip aka james bond and as they're both passed will remain so forever what a solemn end to that question how long does it typically take you to write a chapter of belinda

blinked and that's 13 seconds kip in the usa then i tear it up and then i write it down again. Oh, hi. Oh, hi. Oh, my God, Kip. Oh, hi. Two exclamation points. Oh, hi. Kip, seriously, you won't believe this, but I can get a chapter down in three hours. Three hours? It takes him three hours to write some of those.

Usually I do an hour and 27 minutes, a quick bottle of wine, six minutes, and then on to the second half. Shut up. He's not downing a bottle of wine in six minutes I would have seen you do it yeah

we're big drinkers in our family and then another hour and 27 minutes worth I don't know if all that maths works but he just says does the maths work

so I guess yeah it does there's three minutes one hour 27 one hour 27 there's an additional six minutes there goes three hours it's very precise

so what he says it takes three hours with a wine break in the middle yeah maybe that explains why some of the chapters really go off the right way towards the end yeah i just honestly can't believe they take that long maybe he spends a lot of it like looking through the thesaurus or that must take a long time and he's quite an analog worker isn't he he wouldn't be using an online thesaurus likely no he's probably got a physical one somewhere in there big big yeah encyclopedia i imagine he's quite an analogue worker, isn't he? He wouldn't be using an online thesaurus, likely. No, he's probably got a physical one somewhere in the house. Big, big chunk. I imagine he's someone who's got encyclopedias.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This next one's from Anon, so it might be someone that's not wanting to be revealed. Or called Anon. I mean, there's some weird names these days. Oh, hi, Anon. They ask, how do you get over a writer's block? Hi, Anon.

Thankfully, that's something I've never experienced. The reason for this is whilst I write extremely rapidly, it's a bit like chasing a car whose handbrakes have failed down a San Francisco street. You're running so hard to catch up with the damn thing that you've got no time to stop or everything ends a car wreck. In simple speak... Yeah, please.

I'm going to just cut to this bit. The words are flooding out so fast you haven't got time for a block. So he's just like, he's almost got like Belinda Blink diarrhoea. It's just always coming out. That makes sense. He's never not able to just...

Just a constant toxic flow. It's just very quick, isn't it? It's true. It just suggests that something something he's like, he's been born with this gift and it's just like, it needs to be expressed. Yeah, or like, you know, when there's like sewage just kind of like being dumped in the ocean

and it's just this constant like gushing from a pipe. Sort of like that. Or a car that's just lost its brakes in San Francisco. Wow, I mean... I like the sewage analogy. Vera in Finland. Some of them say where they're from and some don't. It's very confusing.

Vera says, what is a day in the life of Rocky like? Oh, Vera. Why, my dear? Hey, Vera. I would say much easier than yours. No snow to get the reindeer and sled stuck in each morning no sundown at 3 p.m for half of the year no chardonnay at 23 pounds a bottle this is just

a kind of fact file about finland yeah no my life is one of sand sea and sex that's horrible why it's for? It's urgh for me. Well, and me. I don't want to think about Jamie's dad having sex. We're six seasons in, James. I think that ships out. I know, but I always try and disassociate. I know what you mean. Yeah.

Yeah. So you want Rocky to be unhappily celibate? No, I just don't want him to put his heterosexuality in my face. He did actually mention it on a work call the other day. Did anybody else notice that when he said he'd lost a contact lens? Because he'd been busy? Alice, I don't... Do you remember that, Jamie?

I really hope she didn't hear that, actually. What did he say? He'd lost a contact lens because he'd been busy. Did he really? Yeah, and we were on a work call with other people and I've never known a Zoom to be so silent. Was he joking? No. I hope so. He was not one bit joking joking he lost a contact lens because he was having anyway um well there we know he said sorry

i'm late for the call i lost a contact lens because me and then he said me and wilma he actually mentioned wilma obviously because who else would it be oh my word were you not shocked jamie i didn't say anything that whole meeting did you not think why I was absolutely shaken it wasn't with the Americans was it it was with some business people yeah okay next one

this one's from Carmela Harris here's open what's the first thing you're going to do post pandemic oh hi Carmela shouldn't you be running

the White House oh same joke I don't know why I'm owing like oh what a shit joke i literally just made the same one okay i know this is an important policy issue so here it's not actually kamala harris yeah um so here's my take on it i'm gonna start writing medical books no no no no what do you mean medical I'm going to start writing medical books on how to avoid being caught in another pandemic.

Inside will be tips on how to convert your thong into a mask, how to buy your wine cheaply from online sources, how to avoid answering your front door, what pharmaceuticals... How to avoid answering your front door? Don't answer your front door. I think he's overestimating how much space he needs for these tips. A beer mat would be fine.

How to avoid answering your front door and what pharmaceutical companies to invest in. So on and so on. Oh, wow. That's a leap from how not to answer your front door to stock market investment tips. I'm not sure there's a massive gap in the market for that. I mean, he had me at the like thong into a mask That's quite good Really? You want to wear a thong as a mask?

I don't but you know if times got tough What was the second one? How to order wine online Yes I don't think you need a book for that Cheaply Cheaply sorry cheaply Also it's not really pertinent to a pandemic situation

I guess it depends what you consider essential but yeah They did make off licenses essential here did they yeah i mean at best this is like a little like list of tips and tricks a book a series of books yeah i'm gonna start writing medical books medical they're also not medical um oh carmela uh last question from steph have you ever ridden a horse what have you ever ridden a horse Steph's is not so

rocky this got through from all the questions we had these are tens of thousands I thought you know Toffee Apple Chewed I you know

he's so good at riding a horse I thought maybe it'd be good to know he's so good at riding a horse why did we let Jamie pick these

oh hi Steph on the horse thing But maybe it'd be good to know. He's so good at riding a horse. Why did we let Jamie pick these? Oh, hi, Steph. On the horse thing. Yes. On the horse thing, which you asked about. On the horse thing. Yes. But not as a jockey or when they jump over fences and stuff like that.

No shit. Your dad's not been a jockey. He's about six foot five. I'm much more comfortable on an elephant. Has your dad ever been on an elephant? I don't know. So is he saying he hasn't ridden a horse, but he has ridden an elephant? He enjoys horses, but not in any kind of professional context. But he's more comfortable on an elephant.

What does that mean? Is there any more? Is that it? That's it. What does he think this exercise is? I think he likes to keep the mystery up. You know, he is an enigma. Well, mission accomplished.

Mystery intact. Yes. I mean, I say it every time. He just increases the mystery, really, doesn't he? I say it every year. Why do we bother? What is that about? I feel sorry for the people who got their question answered, not the people that didn't.

But, you know, a few tips in there. How to write a book, you know. How to not answer your front door. There are to things to glean and that was free so you got all of that insight for free lucky devils and um i mean i guess i'll just leave you with the thought of that missing contact lens okay yes thank you we'll see you on monday for another chapter of belinda blend for another chapter of Belinda Blanked. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals, and bam, you suddenly feel unwell.

But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back, with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer

suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance, mind your business.