My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Rocky Changed My Life

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

The gang read your stories about how Rocky and his literature has changed your life for the better...or the worse. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Hello everybody and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno The Footnotes.

This week we've got a little segment for you called Rocky Changed My Life. He's changed a lot of people's lives, for the good and for the worse. He really has. We get a lot of emails from you guys, which we do love receiving. We read every single one. emails from you guys which we do love receiving we read every single one um but some of them have kind of taken us by surprise in how much belinda blinked and my dad's writing has affected you transformative indeed he's touched people's hearts he's touched people's vaginas he hasn't that's you can't prove it all right if you touch someone's vagina he would have a much more accurate idea of the layout so the first one is from amelia hi amelia hello amelia sizemore which i feel is a bit of a rocky name we won't dwell on that um and she says that

she had to get an mri scan because of the podcast are we allowed to laugh um well should we see how the email goes hold all laughter until i finish reading please sometimes i think we could do with an mri scan after we've done a chapter. Honestly, I'd love to know how much of our brains have been eroded just by listening to this book. I think Rocky should have had one about three years ago. So she says, I first discovered your work. Work.

Your canon of work. When my friend played it to me during a five-hour car trip. We made good progress for the first hour or two, but then a weird thing started happening. The story. Yeah, the world of Blinda Bloom. Every time I laughed really hard, I got this incredibly intense, albeit brief, headache. Oh, God.

Yeah. It was like the intensity of an ice cream headache. Oh, they're the worst. Yeah. When you've licked too quick. James, you get it when you lick too quick, don't you? And also when you've had ice cream. But except that it lasted a bit longer each time, so even worse.

She attempted to keep herself from laughing quite so immoderately, which basically meant that all the excess laughter leaked out of her eyes. Is that medical? Is that the science bit? Laughter leaking out of your eyes? And it just looked like she was in floods of tears. People do look mental when they listen to this sometimes. Rocky has a really intense effect on people. Apparently medically.

They're crying for him. They're not laughing. Honestly, with every tear. After a couple of episodes, I could no longer stand the pain. Oh my God, stop listening. It's not important enough. Well, she had to start listening to the podcast This American Life that is more serious to be fair she goes on it isn't a fun thing trying to explain to your neurologist exactly why you were laughing so hard for so long and the good

doctor nice dr robbins reference was basically looking up my symptoms on the medical equivalent of wikipedia second opinion please yeah how do you explain that in the doctors i've been listening to porn and it's made my head hurt it's made my head crack into can you fix me it's made me literally cry but it sounds like don't worry about it because he's not even got a diploma i mean he's not even got a b-tech in head shoulders knees and toes by the sounds of it yeah seriously i love that his first thing was MRI go straight to an MRI not would you like a paracetamol apparently straight to Wikipedia discography don't google symptoms that's the worst thing you can do you are bad for that though yeah I'm a bit of a hypochondriac now I just use google to self-diagnose what about that lump in your chin still haven't figured out what

that is just a rough bit of skin James yeah If anything, it's like an ingrown hair. Like, just calm down. When you have that sore ear because you'd, like, slept on your ear, it's like you're fine. Alice, you can't put a price on your health. You really can't. Yes, you can. And you're costing the NHS thousands.

Stop going for check-ups. No, that's the thing. I don't go, and that's why I'm, like, diagnosing myself with weird shit. Oh, yeah, that's it. You don't go, then just moan about it for days and we're like just please go and see someone what's the mole stop it don't i don't need any more ailments all right i've got a lot to deal with he's on his deathbed i don't doubt it i mean now i'm a tiny bit worried that this girl's on a deathbed because we actually don't know where this is going yeah seriously read on yeah so the neurologist said

that they thought that she had an aneurysm and so ordered why are we joking about this i hope you're bringing it back um well she's written it down so she can't be that ill and he ordered her to get an mri scan immediately to check that her brain wasn't going to explode he is not a doctor he does not know what he's talking about one week later i was lying in a giant white medical tube for 30 minutes listening to the horrific sounds of my brain being imaged. Oh, so you were going to say, of my dad wrote a porno?

I was going to say it sounds awful. And she was thinking, I can't believe I'm here because of a porno podcast. Cost her $600. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. We don't have to pay her that, do we? We don't have to give her that back. We have absolutely zero responsibility for that. There's no obligation there, no. Wait, so there must have been something wrong, God, I'm so sorry. We don't have to pay her that, do we? We don't have to give her that back. We have absolutely zero responsibility.

There's no obligation there, no. Wait, so there must have been something wrong, though, because when you laugh, it shouldn't hurt like that. Well, it turns out that she's aneurysm-free. Oh, great. Amazing. But she does now have, because of my dad wrote a porno, a ridiculously rare, although harmless condition

that usually only happens in 50-year-old males, and she's a 28-year-old female, called primary cough headache. Oh, I think I've got that. No, I'm joking. Shut up. It's not about you. Also, did this doctor make up the title for this disease?

Because I feel like he's gone, yeah, it's primary cough headache syndrome. Hi. She says most people experience these headaches when they're in the midst of a coughing fit or while taking a massive shit. Oh, wow. But her only experience has been when she's been listening to us three.

Which is very much like someone taking a massive shit. Yeah, a massive shit on our literary heritage. Oh, Amelia, many, many get well soon wishes. Yeah, we're just glad you're okay. If only she could hear this episode, but she's stopped listening. Yeah, that's a real shame. Anyway. What a waste of everyone's time.

I've got one, a bit different to Amelia's, but still someone whose life has been ruined by the podcast. Oh, go on. This is Brett. Brett says, I've been binging your podcast at work to pass the gruelling mundanity as graphic designer for a municipality here in Ontario, Canada. Stop it, Brett. It sounds really interesting. Don't do yourself down. Suddenly Belinda's career seems so much more exciting. Are you single, Brett? I listen with headphones, obviously. Obviously. You have to. You can't listen to this publicly.

But the little jack had partially slipped out. What, his little jack? Oh no, the jack, the jack. Yeah, the headphone jack. But little Jack could wriggle down to my pants. Brett was getting very excited by the Duchess. I didn't like that little Brett was called little Jack either. Shouldn't it be named after the owner? Do you have a name for yours? No, do you? No.

I couldn't imagine giving my penis a name. Who would you introduce it to? Potential partners? I feel like somebody would have to name it for you. I don't think it's the kind of thing where you can say please me i think someone needs to give it a pet name i have a friend who calls her vagina janet that's not true it's true she chose apparently she what her and a couple of friends all call their vaginas after people they hate so she's jackson so she's not janet jackson just just a janet so she calls her vagina why after people

that they hate that's really weird they've problems, James. She's a bit weird. It's not a very feminist move. No. Own your vagina. Does this podcast want you nothing? Own it. Own your vagina, ladies.

Own your vagina. It's like, pick up after your vagina. It's your responsibility. Keep it clean. So his little jack slipped out, which meant the podcast was also playing

through his computer speakers unbeknownst to him. And you know when you've got your headphones in, you can't actually tell. You don't know? No. Anyways, I guess this... I'm reading his language here. Anyways, I guess this violated usage regulations of taxpayer-funded IT equipment and I got sacked.

He lost his job! Oh my God. No, he didn't. For playing porn in the office. I mean, it is a sackable offence. Oh my God, calm down, Ontario. Hang on. Rocky's. For playing porn in the office. I mean, it is a sackable offence. Oh my God, calm down, Ontario. Hang on. Rocky's changed people's lives in terrible ways.

Destroying life's left, right and centre. Should we stop doing this? There must be a good one. This one's quite good. Okay. Less sure than you were about 30 seconds ago. So I'm going to change your name just because it's compromising. Okay.

So we'll call her Nadia Balandra. Nadia Balandra? I just made that up. I quite like it. Hi, Nadia Balandra. So Nadia Balandra writes, Belinda Blinked helped me feel more comfortable in sexual situations. At the moment, I'm not in a relationship and i'm still a virgin and a friend recommended that i

purchase a vibrator okay nadia balandra nadia balandra she's trying to do some experimentation you go girl i was in a shopping center and passed by an australian sex store she's also in australia just to say good day nadia oh sorry i probably shouldn't have said that. There's so many Nadia Belandras in Australia. Honestly, people are going to Google it. So she went past the sex store and it sells toys and lingerie, mostly for women. Okay. You get the idea.

Not that male lingerie. Sure. I felt nervous about going into the sex shop, but then I thought about Belinda. She wouldn't feel nervous about walking into a sex shop. In fact, she could own one. I mean, yeah, just for the stuff she personally has purchased. I feel like after Pots and Pans,

she's going to start running her own sex shops. I mean, in her mind, I imagine it's a very similar clientele. She'd just go to all of her contacts that she already has. With the confidence of Belinda, I stalled into the store and made my purchase. It's probably the best thing I've ever bought. Nadia, calm down. Thank you, Rocky, for putting yourself out there

and creating a hilarious world. I mean, has he put himself out there? Also, don't think it's supposed to be hilarious. I'm not sure you should congratulate him on that specific achievement. Yeah, Nadia, it's actually quite offensive. So thank you for your email. We'll pass it on.

I've got a bit of a nicer one. This is from Robin, and the subject line is, thanks for helping me get over a breakup. Oh, this is nice. When you go through a breakup, there's usually that sad stage where you listen to sad songs and find meaning in every word. It's true.

James lives off Adele. I listen to you guys. I mean, that's ridiculous. Oh. What, to know what you're missing in the bedroom or to be thankful that you are missing what you're missing in the bedroom or to be thankful that you are missing what you're missing in the bedroom reciting the words like poetry yeah i'm so glad i'm not in a relationship ever again can you imagine how awful it would be if i was having sex right now

um having now moved on i'm now going through what james cooper has described briefly on the podcast with dating sites so i'm glad i'm not the only one being ghosted oh man robin you're not the only one babe we've all done it We've all felt it Even Alice these days has felt it Oh I have You've had a ghost Were you ghosted? I've had a ghost

Oh yeah you were ghosted My first ghost That was quite bad actually I thought that was poor form I was quite protective of you That wasn't so much a ghost as So my life immediately hate you No but

No but like a constant reincarnation Yeah It was I was like Oh he's not dead. He faked his own death. Oh, wait, no, he is dead. But you guys have ruined me matching with a few people.

Adam, forever here, Adam. Oh. Des, Dribble Martin, obviously. I don't know if any people called Des are on this show. You can't be with someone called Des, I'm sorry. And I can't really take many others seriously either. No. She just can't date anymore because...

I think she needs to chill. She's going to have to accept some people who have a name. And also, how many times are you going to meet Grigor Kalansky on Tinder? Not that many times. Not having it. How many Peter Rouses are on there? Norman Togwe, though.

If there's a Norman Togwe on there, he's getting super liked. Norman Togwe is getting all the sex because of this podcast. There's one, I bet. Yeah, wherever he is, he's getting all the sex because of this podcast. There's one, I bet. Yeah, wherever he is, he's getting laid. His LinkedIn is riddled. So this next one from Bryn Collinsworth, who I think is one of the RSMs that didn't actually make the cut, I think Rocky would truly approve of.

This is something that I imagine Rocky's actually had on his list of ambitions since he started writing Belinda Blinked. Oh, okay. So Bryn writes, so I live in Kentucky and my mom is a law professor at a university. So he's from good stock, Bryn. Sure. She's doing a British culture class for first year seminars and she asked me what British thing young people would like to learn about in class.

Right. I think you can see this coming like a train in the night. Young people. Young people love moms. She's such a lecturer. Honestly, I was joking when i said she should include my dad wrote a porno in her class no yes mrs collinsworth what are you doing

professor collinsworth to you oh sorry but now she's all for it i said maybe it's not the best thing for college freshmen as their introduction to university life and she said i'm a goddamn professor i've got tenure i'd like to see them even try me the shits i'm loving professor collinsworth she's right sass by in conclusion some kentucky redneck freshmen who know nothing about england wow indeed are being presented with the podcast as a traditional example of British pop culture. God help them. Stop it, Professor Collinsworth.

Oh my God, David Bowie, minis, my dad wrote a porno. It's all British pop culture. That is such a mistake. It really is, James. She's going to be brought before some sort of board. Oh yeah, there'll be a tribunal before the end of the year, before the end of the semester. They'll be like, I don't care if you've got tenure, Professor Cullensworth. Do you think it's like Dead Poets Society

where she's on the chair? Guys, do you have any idea how much college costs in America? These people are going to lectures, learning about my dad wrote a porno and paying thousands of pounds for the privilege. You know when they put away for like kids' college funds? Yeah. They've done that for this.

What a waste. what a load of shit it's a free podcast just listen to it oh my god america's going down the pan and we're not helping she's the biggest crook of all well thank you brian for bringing that to our attention sorry i feel like every after every email you just say sorry um so this one's from elliot um and he says he had to get in touch because of a really disturbing experience that occurred to him last week. Oh, God. I know. After being away for a couple of weeks, I listened to a few episodes back to back.

We don't advise doing that. No. One a week at most. One a week. That's why we spaced them out that way. There is a health warning at the start of the episode for a reason, Elliot, all right? And unbeknownst to me, Rocky's insidious prose was working its way into my subconscious the whole time oh it will do that that's what it does it's like a tapeworm but for

your brain yeah I think I've got a tapeworm oh my god you're as bad as James Cooper with your bloody hypochondria stop talking about that tapeworm but I've had so many dinners you have it's worrying she stole someone's cookies at work today. Oh, don't tell people. She's a thief. I thought they were communal. I bet you did. What is a tapeworm? It's that thing that lives inside you and eats all your food so you think you need loads. Excuse me?

What? It's like an actual giant worm. It's like a snake that lives inside you. A snake? Alice, they're in someone's rucksack. Stop talking about the cookies. She sniffed them out like a serpent. I only told you to.

Don't tell people about that. So what? The symptoms are you steal other people's food. Wait, I didn't steal. Okay, to clarify. Yeah, the tapeworm just takes all food. It comes out your mouth and just bites. It was someone's lunchbox, but I thought it was like...

A lunchbox, right, okay. I thought it was a communal smorgasbord. I did apologise. I did apologise. I did admit. Unbelievable. Anyway, back to Elliot. I stole the cookies from the cooking jam. What did you do?

He says, the following morning, I got to enjoy a lie-in with my girlfriend. And I think you can all see where this is going to go. Yeah, lovely sleep. Lovely sleep. I love lying in. Oh, a nice cuddle. We'd been apart for a while, so we were becoming physically intimate. Oh, for God's sake, Elliot.

You don't deserve to be physically intimate with anyone without phraseology. When all of a sudden, unbidden, a particular scene from the book appeared in my head. Which one? I was no longer in my lovely flat in Harrogate, but I was on a leather sofa in an equestrian outfit as in Knightsbridge. With a pissed up secretary and some severely chafed buttocks. That is a bony killer, if ever I've heard one.

Oh my God, there are no worse places to be. What, than Forster's? None. The worst. Suffice to say, the intimacy was halted and the explanation offered to Nicola

was met with a perplexed look, which I'm sure you guys have become all too used to. I love that he's like, I'm sure everybody's experienced this. They have an Elliot, actually. Yeah, you've got to take it out of your mind's eye when you're having sex, mate. Did his boner ghost him? He got ghosted by his boner. Oh, no.

That's the worst kind of ghosting. He got ghosted by his own little Jack. Well, sharing is caring. And I'm sure other people will have been in that position. thank you for your candor elliot and if you've been affected by any of the issues in my dad wrote a porno tell rocky we don't care is this an after school special it kind of is i've got one that will end us on a low note can it get any lower uh this guy's called griffin hi griffin uh his subject line is can't keep this to myself you are responsible can't keep my to myself. You are responsible.

Can't keep my hands to myself. Griffin says, I've been listening to your podcast since the winter. Don't need your life story, Griffin. Since the winter of my life. Winter is here, guys. Winter is here. But something happened today that you are responsible for. So I thought I'd let you know.

Very accusational in tone. Yeah, it suddenly got very combative. Yeah. Last night I broke up with my girlfriend. Not another one. Sorry, mate. Sorry. This isn't suddenly got very combative. Yeah. Last night I broke up with my girlfriend. Not another one. Sorry, mate. Sorry, this isn't like Agony on a Corner. Because of this, I was feeling a little down, so I sat at my desk in my small college

room to eat my lunch and listen to an episode as I do a few days a week. This episode was Jim's secret. Okay. You'll remember what happened there. I'll just say one thing, Flaky Pastry. Once the part came up about confetti cum and flaky skin, I laughed so hard that I farted in my seat. Oh.

Okay. Immediately, it felt much hotter. Oh. Much hotter. Stop saying hotter. Does he mean sexier? Than usual, and I jumped up. Oh, God.

I looked in the mirror. Stop looking in the mirror. I had laughed so hard that I had literally shit myself. Why did he look in the mirror? Why didn't he just know? Why did he slip behind? Oh my God. For the first time in my life since I wore diapers,

I paused the episode. Pause the episode. He's like, pause that. Can't miss a moment. And ran to the shower. I'm writing this email in my underpants with a towel around my body thanks for being so fun and creative griffin well thank you for listening griffin and maybe invest in a bottom funnel oh my god as a matter of urgency one for yourself not a communal family one like your friends why would you email us that

why would you give your real name yeah that's the one which you could have called Nadia Belanderer if you called her before please don't use Nadia's name in vain so guys

if you have been touched by Rocky's world please do get in touch yeah do get in touch mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com is our email Instagram is my dad

wrote a and we're on twitter too at dad wrote a porno all of the socials are always different and join us monday for the next installment of belinda blinked three be honest when was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need.

And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.