My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Show and Tell

Episode Date: July 7, 2021

To level the playing field when it comes to embarrassing childhoods, Jamie asks James and Alice to delve into their creative writing from their school days. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Extras, taxes and delivery additional. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. Now, Alice and James, before we start today, I want to bring something to your attention. Okay? Okay. Please. You know, last week we were petitioning, or we kind of discussed how we wanted to petition to get Dad a knighthood. How could we forget?

We said he deserved an honour because it's an honour to know him. I mean, I thought it was a joke. I was just playing along. Well, the joke may soon be on all of us because someone's actually set up a change.org petition to make it happen. Oh, we should have seen it. We should have seen it coming. It's currently got over 4,000 signatures on it, which I think means it's about to be discussed in Parliament.

I don't know. But it just proves the power of the Belinkas. They literally will stop at nothing to get Dad this honour. Well, and technically, you know, if enough people think it in their head, that makes it real, right? Even if it doesn't actually happen,

if enough people just imagine that he's a Sir, then it kind of happened. Well, do you know who has imagined that he's a Sir already? Him? Dad, yeah. So he's changed his Twitter handle to Sir Rocky flintstone his signature is now sir in brackets rocky which i would say is illegal but i do think people do that as as like a thing well people

change it by depot but he's not even done that he's just decided to call himself that great he thinks that brackets will save him from the feds if you conceive it you can achieve it jamie oh seriously so if you want to sign that petition go nuts um let's make it happen but um on to this week's footnotes um now over the past few weeks months and let's be honest years um you two have been really enjoying ribbing on me for my childhood the club theater paints a lot of the stories of my youth. Well, I thought I would turn the tables on you two and ask you to go digging in your attics to find a few childhood relics, a few artefacts of your younger years. So this episode, we're going to do a little bit of a show and tell with Alice and James. What have you both found? I can't help but feel like this is a setup.

Is this going to come back to bite us? I'm amazed how much I found. I can't help but feel like this is a setup. Is this going to come back to bite us? I'm amazed how much I found. I mean, you know, I had got that Dare song. Yeah, that's true. You have shared stuff in the past. My mum's kept all my schoolwork pristinely. Of course she has. She's kept your room exactly the same as when you were 10. She hopes you'll come home one day. You know, like Ross and Monica in Friends, where Ross's stuff is perfect and Monica's is like used to block the flood. Yeah, is your sister's monica's is like used to block well i didn't have the same experience i only found one book one exercise book um that for some reason i have it wasn't at my mom and dad's house um and it just says alice l creative writing which was a it was a subject wasn't it you used to like do this right this

wasn't something that you did in your own time this is a school activity yeah probably from year five so what age is that for international listeners i think i was probably nine here okay um there's all manner of exercises in here so this is from 1996 um wow i had a lesson i wrote that i guess the task was to lay out a letter correctly oh okay so you had to write a letter i I remember doing that in school. Of your choosing. Yeah. So the layout was more important than the content. Yeah. I mean, you'll be interested to know what I've written the letter about, I think. Okay. So it says, dear madam slash sir.

The slash is the wrong way around. Can I guess? I bet it's a letter of complaint. The prunes weren't soft enough in my lunchbox. I'm writing to CBBC to complain. I knew it. I'm writing to CBBC to complain. I knew it! I fucking knew it! CBBC, which is a children's

channel in this country. I'm writing to CBBC to complain about balloon pizza. An institution! I feel that this programme is shown too much. The presenter is not... It was! It was on like three times a week, wasn't it?

The presenters are not humorous, although they try to be. Oh, God. Which line was that? Was that like Stuart Miles? Don't name names. Yours sincerely, Alice Levine. That's it. Okay, so that's just a little taste.

If you don't like it, just don't watch it. I know. I couldn't. A little poem here. Okay. It's called... Sorry. Give it a minute to get over that.

A little poem here called Anger. Oh, wow. On the page after the complaint. How much angst in this young child? Anger is blood red. It's a bitter lemon. Anger is crackling fire and a burning flame.

It's a baby crying. Anger is a volcano inside me waiting to erupt. Oh my God. You didn't know yourself, didn't you? That's good. Anger's a baby crying.

You'd write something like that now, I feel like. Yeah. Oh, it's very much... I mean, i knew my voice yeah come on keep going okay so this is um what's this about this is diary of a treasure hunter not so bothered about that um i've uh written this one's called rage i've written one called the museum my perfect world a bit of kind of creative writing um Bit lighter. Bit lighter. Okay. My perfect world.

In my perfect world, I would have pollution-free sea with whales and dolphins that could talk to me. Money trees in your garden for poor people. Not for me, apparently. Just for the poor people. It says for poor people. It says for poor people, yeah. So you just pick the money tree and just throw it at the poor people. How rich were you as a child?

Bombs that drop toys. Oh, very clever. Very Rocky Flintstone. Could still hurt people, couldn't they? Just toys falling out of the sky. We'll wait to see who's near the bombs. Bombs that drop toys for, and then there's an asterisk because I think obviously at a latter date realised I should be more specific.

Bombs that drop toys. Bombs that drop toys for orphaned children. In my perfect world, I wouldn't have accidents on the roads dying people in faraway countries sorry i'd have them closer to home dying people in faraway countries and most of all no war oh alice and the feedback here is good but you have to explain why you would or wouldn't have each thing in your world. I mean, I think quite self-explanatory why you don't want more. Who would you teach? Is this your friend?

This certainly wasn't my friend. Why are you putting toys in bombs? Why aren't you just doing like toy drops? That's what I think that is. That's what that is now. I think you're putting loads of stuffed animals in a bomb. In a detonator. In something that looks like a nuclear warhead. I think you're putting them in loads of stuffed animals in a bomb. In a detonator. Yeah, yeah.

Something that looks like a nuclear warhead. I hear you. I take your feedback. I guess it was the only technology available to me. I've written a piece called Rats.

No, you haven't. Yes, I have. Rats. I'll read you a little bit. I knew something strange was going on as soon as I got to school that morning. Everyone was quieter than usual.

Nobody was playing football in the yard and nobody was laughing. It's the rats. The bell rang. She is the rat. Spoiler. Oh my God, she's the rat. The bell rang and we shuffled upstairs, hung up our coats and sat down at our desks. Well, 6KW.

I mean, is that a GDPR issue? But well, 6KW, I have something very important to tell you. Our teacher said. What, miss? What? Said James in an excited voice. Oh my God. She was dreaming of me before she met me. Shut up.

The teacher snapped. And let me tell you. James did as he was told. Well, not you then. Surprised at our teacher. She never snaps, you see. Get on with it. Jesus, what's the news?

Oh, so she's trying to get the teacher on side. You never snap, do you, Miss? Give me an A, give me an A, give me an A. It's very fair. There's no easy way to tell you this. We're going to be closed down, she said with a whimper. Because the rats, because the rats. Well, we don't know yet.

It should be rats. Put the spoiler in the title, I would say. Why, said Brian. Yeah, why, Miss, repeated Claire. Shut up, Claire. Well, apparently, it's the baking room. It's unhygienic. Baking room? What school did you go to? Rats or something, she replied, blowing her nose.

Blowing her nose? Rats. Oh, I see, said everybody. One, two, three. Oh, I see. They knew I had a plan. I always do. Sorry, this is you. You always have a plan. Are you going to save the baking room from rats? Well, we can't sit here talking all day. Get on with your handwriting. God, it was a bus act. After handwriting, it was playtime. And that was my chance to tell them my plan.

It was playtime. We all ran downstairs. Yeah, you said that. And got into the yard. Yeah, right. I got the group of people together and told them we were going to hide

inside the school at dinner and nobody was around and about what was going on everybody knows we don't have rats

but I think I know what we do have mice what but I think I know what we do have pupils of the competing school in the baking room

I don't know like just just listen how long is this story honestly longer than a rocky chapter when i told my friends this they thought i was barmy but i explained one school had been closed down in the neighborhood and of course nobody wants it to be them so the other school has found a hole in the wall and let some hamsters loose they want to close us down so all we have to do is get a photo of them letting them in so easily so my friend waited with the camera in the baking room i'm sorry i'm sorry you are barbie yeah this is rocky level of

plot so um my friend waited with the camera in the baking room camera's been corrected spelling thereof um he waited for 10 minutes until he saw a face of a pupil he pressed the button on the camera and ran back our group we sent it off to the photo we sent it off we sent it off the photo that is to the health and safety man he didn't close us down until a full inquiry was carried out the only problem is we couldn't prove it was us setting him up but it was better than having our school closed down after the inquiry how i've got some notes after this i dread to think what the teacher said after the inquiry we stayed fucking hell I've got some notes after this I dread to think what the teacher said after the inquiry

we stayed open it was a big adventure for nothing exciting ever happened in our school this included is this like related to some

real life incident so the teacher's written a very imaginative story Alice so there were no rats no rats they were just hamsters hamsters planted

hamsters planted hamsters planted by the other school to stop their school being shut down because they they had to close down one school and they didn't want it

to be them quite well written though is it gets a bit convoluted towards the end for a nine year old though a nine year old talking about public inquiries

I mean what a twist well Alice that was enlightening and fantastic just a snapshot of my creative writing from the time not by any means the full extent but just you know a little taste of what you could

expect i'm worried about you a lot of built up anger and rage inside you as as the poem anger taught us well i mean it's cathartic to write it down isn't it that's what dad says um so next up james anthony cooper yes now i've brought my year seven english books with me so i was what 11 i think 11 12 yeah um with my teacher miss gorney lovely miss gorney big shout out to her if she's listening uh there was a song out released at the time called horny so we used to be like she's gone here gone here gone in gone she subsequently got married and changed her name that was the end of that joke now i'm gonna read you oh i've got a poem here okay it's called one man and his dog i'm already into it get ready it's quite heavy oh look at your beautiful writing

although that's actually the writing you have now isn't it my writing's deteriorated over time i would say it was better at school um he lives on his own in a cottage along the yorkshire moors his dog is his only friend to guide him along i was expecting a rhyme but okay his family has died he is all alone oh my god what is he doing here he's thinking he's thinking leave him be the little money that he has isn't enough isn't enough i think i just think poetry is just repeating you know that's quite a good device it's quite a nice rhythm he's slowly painfully dying dying jeez his eyelids close he is no more is no more james where's the dog oh my god what happened to the dog james was that from your time in york show is that

god we were all so angsty you with your anger poems you with the dying man me writing songs about masks and running away from the butcher's dog it's very bleak oh there's a story here i might just read an extract if i may please i. Please. I'll start at the beginning. It's called Vice Versa. Oh, okay. Jake, where's my razor? Asked Mark impatiently. Are they shaving? Are they gangsters?

Are they lovers? Are they... Is it Peaky Blinders style? I haven't got it, replied Jake with a cutting look on his face. Oh, cutting razors. Very good. They always had arguments. It was the same every morning. Mark thought Jake had taken something that he hadn't.

Or vice versa. That's the name of the story. And that's where it would be a freeze frame. Mark was an 18-year-old boy who was very popular at school. He had short blonde hair with curtains at the front. Oh, like Nick Carter from Backstreet Boys. I think Jake's written his type there with Mark. He was due to go on television in three days to make a film about a boy's life

in Australia which was so originally named A Boy's Life in Australia. Okay. So he was going on TV to make a film? Yeah.

Okay. Jake on the other hand was the total opposite. He was a small unpopular 11 year old boy. Oh you wrote about me. And wasn't too good with the girls.

Unknown to them fate was being a bad boy for mark and a god sent to drake enough babble here's the story that's very rocky yeah it is oh my god it was 8 30 in the morning jake had to be at school in 10 minutes he rushed down his cereal ending up with half of it in his lap and ran upstairs to get his bag when he noticed a small box with his name on it.

Intrigued. Sorry, I thought he was 18 and why is he going to school? And also, why does an 11-year-old need a razor? No, Mark's 18,

he needed a razor and it's Jake who's going to school because he's 11. But why has Jake got the razor? Yeah, why are they arguing about a razor?

I don't know why Jake's got the razor, yeah, you wouldn't think he needed a razor. A razor or an eraser? A razor, like for shaving. Yeah, it doesn't think he needed a razor. A razor or an eraser. A razor, like for shaving. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

He'd never seen this box before. It was black although it did have a gold glint in it. On the top of it was a label reading Do Not Open. Don't bloody open. And his name. Quite a lot of things written on this box. But Jake, being 11, was very curious to know what was in the box. He threw the lid open and peered inside. There was some

sort of glowing green liquid in a glass tube. Weird. He took it out of the box and temptation got the best of him and he threw the drink down his throat. You stupid boy! What did you do? Bright green liquid where it says do not open. Jake began to feel dizzy and a bright light began to glow in front of his eyes. Alice looks really into this. I mean, it's like something out of the MCU, isn't it? Supernatural. Everywhere he turned his head, the light followed him.

That's what light tends to do, doesn't it? But like a spotlight, I guess. Yeah, maybe. He shook his head frantically. Mark walked onto the landing and saw Jake shaking his head. Ha!

Jake's got knit... But before he could finish... Oh, knits. Before he could finish... Do you know knits are a thing at school? Before he could finish, something happened. Then he felt finish you're a knittery thing at school before he could finish something happened then he felt smaller mark opened his eyes only to find himself standing

in front of himself without a mirror in sight i think it's a body swap it's vice versa a body swap or or what i think mark's gone into jake's body and jake's gone into mark's body i hate it when that happens no he looked down and didn't see his body, but Jake's. Jake did the same. What the heck have you done, yelled Mark. What the heck have you done? What the bloody hell have you done now?

Cool, remarked Jake as he looked down at his new body. I'm you. I'm you, cried Mark in disbelief. Isn't this a film with Jamie Lee Curtis?

By some strange phenomenon, their brains are transferred into each other's bodies. That is a strange phenomenon. It is, I've never heard it before. In other words, Mark was Jake and Jake was Mark. I think I'm kind of labouring the point here. It's a kind of exposition, but I guess for the slower readers.

Change us back right now, demanded Mark. Jake, for the first time, lifted Mark high in the air. He was silent for a moment. No, he said, and laughed his head off. I think Mark's actually taking it very well considering he's just like changes back like he's not freaking out

he dropped Mark to the ground Jake it's time to get school yelled mum from downstairs that's you said Jake what Mark got up and stared at his body

tripped down the stairs and it goes on but that's the premise so there's a body spot and how long does it go on for pages and pages I'm not going to lie to you Jamie there's chapters of it

wow oh look at all that gosh James you've essentially written i mean a motion picture i think i have you know a motion picture that gets shown on tv in australia fantastic but an australian boy um well i was i mean you could see by my face i was absolutely great i think off mic i'm going to read this properly and see if there's got any potential because uh i'm seeing dollar signs right i mean you do that what's quite interesting in the front of my creative writing book is that there's um a hat there's a little guide little printed sheet that we obviously all got to um you know glue stick into our oh yeah yeah books and it says um how

to be a good response friend and it's basically how to receive a story that somebody else has written and how you should react to that at the beginning well exactly of this whole podcast so first things first you should tell the person something that you liked about the story at least one point which i don't think we've ever done with rocky haven't we and then you can move on to how it could be made better okay well we're good at that i think we've done some of these things so we've said um is anything missing plot is anything not clear everything um is the beginning good no are all your questions answered at the end? We're given more, if anything. But that might be a good thing in writing.

Could anything be left out? Yes, 100%. And finally, is it suitable for the intended audience? This says, who will listen to it? Will they like it? Will they understand it? Well, a lot of people listen to it. A lot of people like it.

No one understands it. Well, guys, I'm not going to lie. From today's little exercise, I can see why we're friends. Do we boonite? You were all as little frustrated creative thespians just like me. And honestly, if you'd have lived near me in Manchester, you would have been in the club theatre backstage all the time. You imagine.

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