My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Stephen Mangan

Episode Date: June 15, 2017

Tony-nominated actor Stephen Mangan joins the gang to discuss royalty, Jamie's many voices and whether Rocky's mind is actually human... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. We have our second guest this week. He is the star of stage and screen. You've seen him in episodes, Alan Partridge and Green Wing. The Tony nominated Mr Stephen Mangan. Hello. I feel like I should applaud or something. No, don't applaud.

Why did you bow then? I don't know. That's what I do. I'm trained. You were doing the motion for stop, stop. It's a little drop of the head. I can't know. I'm just, that's what I do. I'm trained. You were doing the motion for stop, stop. Just a little drop of the head. I can't help it. Welcome to Alice's flat.

Yeah, it's very salubrious. It was pandemonium before you arrived, wasn't it? Honestly. What was going on? I'm so sorry. It was like, you know, there is an ambulance down the road. And after being in this flat for five minutes, I wonder whether you should have come here rather than wherever it went to.

I sliced my finger open. I broke Alice's dishwasher. And I made you dinner. And after being in this flat for five minutes, I wonder whether you should have come here rather than wherever it went to. I sliced my finger open. I broke Alice's dishwasher. And I made you dinner. You made me dinner. And that was the biggest disaster of all. Is this unusual? Do you do a lot of this?

Podcasts? Yeah. I think this is the first one I've ever done. Really? Yeah. We're taking your podcast virginity. And that's not because I turned down all the others. You're just the first people who've asked me.

So thank you. Oh, no, we're so glad to have you. I know, I can't wait to see what happens. I mean, this is it, basically. Yeah. It's really funny to be here with you around a microphone. It really is. Is it weird?

Well, it's that... Do we not live up to... It's like going back to where you were. What was that line? It felt like he was going back to... To the childhood home. But everything was different or whatever felt like he was going back to the childhood home, but everything was different or whatever. But that was about a vagina, wasn't it? Yeah.

I mean, yeah. It's the same, but different. It's a bit like that, but not. No, it's, I love, I mean, I don't know what it is, how Rocky does it. I know. Because you think, okay, there's quite a lot of specifics about distance and time.

I'll see you in 23 minutes. I've only got 54 minutes of left of my break or whatever, all that sort of stuff. And you think, oh, and then a lot of business, my new shy. Yes. But then he just always pulls it out of the bag, doesn't he? There's always a curveball. The roaming bullets. Yeah.

I didn't see those coming. I was saying to Jamie, I think this week's chapter was one of my favorites ever it was a great chapter the dukes and a lot of may i say tremendous voice work oh thank you so much because they give me hell well that means a lot coming from you because it's potentially your area of expertise well you know if there's a duke's table i'm normally the one called to voice it because you had a lot of aristos i had so many and you know to give them subtle changes it's you know you've got to know who's speaking it's top draw voice work because you had a lot of Aristotle I had so many and you know to give them subtle changes it's

you know you've got to know who's speaking it's top draw voice work thank you very much I really appreciate it I'm here to tell you although I am starting

to get some disturbing images in my mind with some of the characters Bella I think is going a little bit Mick Jagger okay

yeah do you feel that she's got quite extreme hasn't she yeah she had nuance I mean that's not necessarily a bad thing.

No, I think I get a bit carried away with Bella. I know what you mean with that jagger move where he kind of like cocks his head. I know what you mean. Yeah. And she's just always drunk or high or on something. Always. Yeah. Now, do you ever road test the voices to them before the start of an episode?

No. So it's all new for you as it goes out? Unfortunately, yeah. And how often do you stop the recording and go listen we're not having that often and he just ignores us like bella i think has gone through many changes in her life and jamie's reflected that through many voices yeah bella has become my spirit animal very much so i kind of love her but she's not really featured that much has she this no we have we even seen her she got that big promotion yeah oh of course and that was it yeah we haven't seen this thing because her last big thing was up in the plane up in the yeah that was her the bees yeah yeah oh the bees everyone loves the bees what is it about the bees have you must have seen that

you must travel posh class i mean you'll have seen the bees but i've never been up to the bees okay and you don't they hide the entrance to it i mean it is like platform nine and whatever four eighths yeah it is it is a mystery where they go but that's where the phrase the birds and the bees comes from obviously oh of course a little bit of etymology for people to enjoy there yeah the other voice is the Duchess. Oh, right. Which is, I'm getting Obi-Wan Kenobi from the Duchess. This is my best Alec Guinness, thank you very much.

It's like, use the lube. It's very like, use the force. This isn't the dildo you're looking for. You must use the lube. Yeah, I'm getting a bit of Alec Guinness mixed with John Gielgud. Okay. If you go any deeper, we won't be able to hear it. It is the deepest voice I do,

and it's probably the most salacious lady in the book. Yeah, she is. The weird thing is, though, Belinda's voice is and has always been your voice. That actually isn't true. There's a subtlety in Belinda's voice. It's like half an octave higher. And the intonation's different. She doesn't really say anything of interest, though.

She doesn't say anything at all, does she? I mean, her clit talks more than she does, to be honest. She has been blinking a lot, this book, I've noticed. There's been more blinks per episode. That's true. It's almost like he knows what he's doing. Almost. I love him.

I'm just amazed. He's quite obsessed by royalty isn't he i think he wants to be yeah i think he's kind of angling for an honor is what i think oh you think it's all a part of a plan to get a to get a gong maybe rocky flintstone oh my god for services to business pornography there can't be many people vying for that one no that's a pretty niche market rocky i wish you all the best do you have any inns do you have any royal connection no no irish no none at all we won't have you ever met any of them we weren't allowed to speak the name i have met a few of them yeah oh who tiara montague i met tiara montague i met prince charles and camilla oh

yeah that's very good if i'd known that rocky was angling for a gong, I could have had a word. That would have been the prime time. Yeah, slipped him into conversation. You know that Prince Charles listens to this podcast. You know he does. He does. Of course he does. What makes you so sure?

I just know. It's something he said. He plays it to the plants in the garden of Kensington Palace. I've heard the Queen has a bit of a dirty sense of humour herself. Really? There goes your honour. No, I've heard she's a bit she likes a bit of a cheeky laugh sometimes. But there's a difference in cheeky

laugh and optional nipple clamps. I don't think Liz is listening to the podcast, James. But if she is, good evening, Your Majesty. Well, you're rubbing shoulders with them, so next time that you're with, you know, Fergie, just mention it. Now she listens. Oh, that toe sucking.

My God. She loves it. Oh, yeah. Oh, are you kidding me? She's got them all alphabetized. They're all downloaded. The manuscripts. She's literally a character from these books.

She's slightly weird and inappropriate, but fun as well. You kind of like her but you'd want to... And she was the Duchess of York. Yes. So maybe she is the inspiration of the Duchess. You know, you may laugh

at Rocky for some of the... Well, you know, for some of the more... But, you know, the royal family... I mean, he was caught saying that he wishes he was a tampon

in Camilla, didn't he? Who did? Prince Charles. Yeah, he was recorded saying that. No. Yes, yes, yes. It's a matter of record.

Go and look it up. Do we need to say allegedly or is that? No, it's... Did you record him saying that when you met? I recorded him saying that. Or is it a dream I had last night?

Hang on, what? He said that he wanted to be a tampon inside? Yes. Tamila. Yeah. Absolutely. And of course Fergie

with the toe sucking. So it's not really a big leap, is it? It really isn't. I'm floored by that revelation. Yeah, I mean, I think it was part of the whole phone hacking scandal, which of course was terribly wrong. But occasionally threw up a nugget like that. Whose phone are you leaving that message on?

Ah, yeah, I'm just calling to say I want to be a tampon inside Camilla. Anyway, see you later if you could get back to me post haste I think it was to her phone I don't think he was saying it wasn't to his

private secretary on holiday Bob listen when I get back Prince Charles here you know when I want to be so well fit I hate to say it but

there are other things that go inside vaginas other than tampons i mean this is all old news to other people but this is just like i'm just thinking it through it's rocky-esque and it's slightly inappropriateness and yeah managing to swerve away from sexy mild concern the least sexy analogy do you understand what oh never mind prince charles we'll delete that message before anyone else hears it. Dare we ask where you listen and when you listen?

I listen anywhere, really. I hate to use the word, but it's seeped into every area of my life. I have a one-year-old, a few children. My one-year-old, I caught myself the other day humming, not singing. Yeah. And I thought, where have I heard? Oh, no. So, yeah, it does.

It does permeate. That could be damaging. Could be, couldn't it? Don't sing the monster prick song to your baby. Listen, luckily it was without words. But one day. Does your wife listen? No, she doesn't. She's like, where are you going tonight?

I was like, some people do a podcast about a porn thing that one of their dad has written. She's like, what? I said, bye. Explain later. And also, I do wish you wouldn't refer to him as dad when you're doing the podcast. Oh, sorry, Rocky only.

Just Rocky, because then it just, that weirdness of it strikes home you know the show's called my dad i know i know but i try and because i feel i don't know do you feel uncomfortable about it a bit yeah you should see his email steven honestly his email he's done an email signature to be fair which is uh that's advanced i can't do that yeah but his email signature is an author as good as shakespeare michael sheen as a direct quote is there any areas he hasn't dared to write about yet you know well is this something you want you know because he seems very free and easy with his with his prose i've never discussed it with him, but there is one thing that he's never, ever gone near. I don't want to say it in front of you because it's...

Is it rude? It's anal. Right. No, really. Such a sombre face. I was an altar boy, you know. I feel like I need to go to church. Yeah.

But that's the one thing he's never really... I love that you meant, does he have an agenda? Does he want to say something? Are there are there any big messages he's trying to get across anal anal well i'm just saying it's an erotic novel he's never gone near that orifice never gone tradesman's no he has a style of his own doesn't he yes very much i sometimes wonder whether he's actually incredibly thorough and he's written it all out and the whole thing makes absolute logical sense and it's on sheets of a4 in his office and then someone's opened the door and the draft has blown away like two-thirds of the pieces of paper he's gone i saw it that'll

do because the jumps sometimes are why the that he's on ketamine it has that slightly kind of like you're following i'm following i'm with you i'm with you rocky that slightly kind of like, you're following, I'm following, I'm with you, I'm with you, Rocky. What? Where now? Also, I think you're right in that he could be one of those writers. You know, when people write dialogue, say for drama or comedy,

and they put in every um and every r, and it's very important, like where you land on what word, and they're very particular. Maybe all these things that we laugh at, all these mistakes, they're there on purpose. There's an element of mystery. There's an element of like,

we may never get to the bottom of this in our lifetime. Yes. But this will keep mankind busy on the literary front for millennia to come. And people will be just, yeah, you know, there'll be a museum. There'll be an area of scholar. Well, that doesn't make sense.

An area of scholar. Yes. That's the pavilion. You've been there too yeah they will and a themed like like a sort of dollywood kind of theme well that's his dream you know oh is it in tooting he's already scouting i don't know what plot of land he wants to remove the back and now i've imagined him giving out those love eggs as you go in and then he's sitting with loads of dials up in the thing women all over the park being convulsed they call you for dinner time yeah your meal's ready oh my god i was disappointed with the love eggs i hope the way he threw in the blue semen with jim sterling a little extra bonus package that's quite i thought the love eggs would do something

else i did too i get radio four on them that i think was my lowest slash highest moment on this podcast was Jim's reveal of the flaky penis oh my god with the skin hitting the floor yeah

that was the pits wasn't it stuck in her teeth yeah stuck in her teeth I mean honestly the most repulsive thing you've ever

Stephen Mangan slow nods my dad wrote these books to turn people on yeah who's being turned on by that Stephen yeah oh yeah Stephen Mangan's slow nods. My dad wrote these books to turn people on. Yeah. Who's being turned on by that? Stephen. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. But has there ever been a point you've been like, hang on, this is getting sexy now? Because sometimes, James, you say, like, actually, this is quite raunchy. Yeah, you're the biggest fan. Sometimes I get a semi, okay? Do you know what?

I think it's like if you ever go to a big sporting event, you know, occasionally you glimpse the stadium in the distance but then he always takes you off down another back passage you never arrive at the venue as far as the erotica goes i mean you do see in the distance but then you get the nipples and but then he you know compares them to rivets on the titanic and it's always a segue into something a little bit or you get to it and you're traveling at 150 miles an hour so you just whiz past it and he'll be like that was the sex there it was yeah looking in the rearview mirror there it was now who have you got in mind what sort of look are we talking about the dutch i haven't got a mental image of her what she looks like i think like gianna lumley yeah that's my benchmark or like helen mirren like okay quite

regal looking yeah i think a bit you're right. A bit sexy. Who would you like to be? The thing is, I play a lot of, you know, not baddies, but, you know, people who are hard to like. So I'd probably be cast as Sir James Godwin or someone like that if I was a bit older. But the men are not as fully fleshed out as the women often. Well, indeed. Apart from the little small man who... The smallish man dressed in black. The smallish man dressed in black who applied gaffer tape to every inch of her body.

Everyone's obsessed with him. I've had a lot of mics put on in my time and no one has ever gone round my neck under both my boobs. But they're clearly doing it wrong. I am furious that I've missed out on this opportunity. Well, you can be the smallish man dressed in black if you want. The smallish man dressed in black is... Because the smallish man dressed in black is because he's like he's almost like a Alice in

Wonderland type character yeah he's come where does he come from where does he go to

why is he so so small he just comes out people take their clothes off he straps

tape all over them lassoos them what's his name because he runs on stage Alfie Alfie

Alfie Small he has that feeling like he's emerged from somewhere and no one knows where and no one ever saw him again. What smallish man in black? He lives under the stage.

Nobody called Alfie works here. No. And Chari... Was it Chiara? What was the name? Chiara Montague. Chiara Montague. That's a great name.

I actually looked it up. How many real names? It is an Italian name. I looked it up. I know. I looked it up and I think I said at the time that it was a made-up name. It's a real name. Was it her... She she was one that gritted her pussy or was that

is that uh someone gritted up she did because of those damned eggs that sounds like well that sounds like it's gonna snow she's worried people are gonna have trouble down there the tread went years ago on that picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Do you have hopes and dreams for Belinda?

Yeah, only that she doesn't get a disease. Well, we're all keeping our fingers crossed about that one. And that please, dear God, she showers at some point in these books. Oh, and dips herself in bleach every now and again. I mean, give yourself a spring clean once in a while what did tom jones say that he used to put two caps of something really horrid in his bath like after he'd had a really oh a sordid encounter just like it was something really horrible like tcp or yeah like two caps of toilet duck and like would just carry on it's just this there is it is for a book in which nothing really happens a lot of the time there's a lot of minutiae he can paint

a picture i think that's what we've learned throughout these books the a24 got a mention this year meet in 23 minutes there's a certain there's a number he's got a number brain yeah no he does and also there's quite a lot of slidey doors that reveal yeah isn't it yeah well it's quite harry potter i mean it's quite what he's got in common with jk rowling i would say is that things are not always what they please don't compare him to more great authors geez you'll be on his signature in a minute the jk rowling of porn i love is the quote though it will be the thing that he has in common with jkK. Rowling, dot, dot, dot, and that's it. It's like, we never said what.

Is that there are doors in his novels. Well, he does love Bond. He does love those slightly magical worlds, doesn't he, as well? Yeah, he does. And also he loves... Are those his influences? Are those his... Huge.

Yeah, yeah. But he also loves DIY. He's very handy. Is he? He's a handy man. Well, he was a builder for many years. Oh, right. So he actually loves DIY. He's very handy. Is he? He's a handy man. He was a builder for many years. Oh, right. So he actually loves constructing houses and doorways.

Secret rooms. God knows what he's built in the past. Yeah, what it could be in your house. Yeah, what's in your house? What's he done? Oh, my God. You need to pull every big cock you find on the wall. Every mounted dildo will be used.

If a panel slides open. Flush every toilet the wrong way. Yes, that was a lindsey i mean that's that's quite clever where does that come from i imagine rocky could do a bit of bit of plumbing plumbing 101 oh very good at plumbing although once he insisted on not calling a plumber and flooded the entire house with effluence and my mum was like for god's sake rocky because they have a very interesting relationship it's been my dad penning pornography that has actually brought my parents closer together believe it or not

really? yeah because I think my mum's finally realised that he's mad oh I see and that actually all those years you thought he was just difficult right turns out no he's just demented

but mad in a you know sexy sweet way oh yeah very endearing of course well i was gonna say in a nice way but then i thought there's actually quite a lot of filthy sex involved yeah well no but you guys are a big fan of my dad of course yeah not his work but of the man the man behind the work does he talk to you about his work i imagine oh at length he tries to spoil it all the time's like, wait till you see what happens in chapter eight. It's like, Rocky, we want to hear it as we go. And then you get there and you're like, what was he talking about?

What was the big highlight of this chapter? So it's Father's Day coming up in the UK. Is it? Yeah. On Sunday. Oh, so excited. You're a father. I am.

Have you been inspired to do what Rocky's done? No. I can say, put my hand on my heart, on any other part of my body, and say no, it's never occurred to me to write fictional business porn. No. No. Well, that's taken now. Don't get me wrong, I am delighted that he did,

because he's enhanced my life, and I'm sure the lives of a lot of people. He's brought great joy to me. But no. Thank you. No, thank you very much very much i'm shutting it down immediately don't even bring it up again what he's done i think it's what they talk about jk rowling again but what they talk about her is that you know she's she's a world builder you know she builds entire universes that are coherent and make sense and are new. And I think Rocky's kind of done that. He has.

Because even though it's kind of naturalistic, it's not at all. It's got its own atmosphere. Yeah, definitely. And he can create a character like, honestly, no one I've ever met. Yeah. I mean, because these characters are there

for approximately four paragraphs. Yeah. And they are so indelible. You just want to hang out with them or run away from them. But your characterisation helps, if I may say. Well, it does. Well, that's grown as the show's grown. Because at the beginning, I didn't do any voices.

And I felt like I was cheating. I want an evening with where you come out and do a one-man show. And you tell it all through characters. You're never yourself. Just turn away from the audience for a minute. And then you come back and do a one-man show and you tell it all through characters. You're never yourself. You just turn away from the audience for a minute and then you come back and you're the Duchess and you turn away again and you're the smallest black man. It's a little vignette.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah, something really funny but moving as well. You take us really inside these characters. The pathos within. The pathos and the pain that they feel. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think there's a...

It's a one-man show in there. Let's we can 101 faces of jamie morton sort of thing you know like you sometimes write something down and you think that what's in my head i haven't managed to really convey with the written word and i wonder if he's fully you know if we've got a hundred percent of what he wanted us to get or whether there's worlds behind what he's written well he used to work in sales back in the day well we can tell that because his knowledge is extensive and comprehensive

don't joke he genuinely thinks it is I mean I assume I don't know anything about sales he's always like this is what the business world is like Jimmy whenever I question anything he's always like this is what the business world is like jamie whenever i question anything he's like you don't get it you haven't worked in business and now there's james and now

there's alice i'm like okay thank you dad for that lecture on why you're the best writer in the world and we're clearly wrong in critiquing a little bit that's the ketamine that's the come down that's what it is it's it's not a human mind in some ways that i recognize i mean he's obviously human but it's not and my his mind works in ways that i that no one i've ever met their mind works in that way and that's what's intriguing about it it's almost like it's been written by a someone's done an algorithm on a computer or something yeah because all the ingredients are in there it's somehow it doesn't it doesn't it's not cohesive yeah it doesn't connect human does it stop saying it's not human it just doesn't it's it's like a sense emotional sense yeah it's like a it's a it's removed, isn't it, from what we're feeling and thinking.

Yeah. He's on a different plane. No one behaves in the way that I have encountered people behaving. No. But also, and I know I'm always the Flintstonian defender and whatever, but I do think that if you, say, watched a porn movie, they don't act normal either. No, they don't.

This is an erotic novel. It's not meant to be, you know... Have you ever seen me act? they don't act normal either. No, they don't. This is an erotic novel. It's not meant to be, you know... Have you ever seen me act? I don't act normal either. I mean, I'm not saying I'm an expert in what's normal. But what's joyful is the three of you reacting to it because you react in a way that we all can understand to this thing that we can't understand and don't really get.

I think that's what it is. If just read it it wouldn't it wouldn't work it wouldn't work right exactly this is why my dad sold four books they are available to buy it's discussed also some people would disagree with you and want me and alice out the door immediately if i just incredibly irritating like why can't it just be an audio book I mean if Judi Dench is reading a book I wouldn't want you all sitting around interrupting her

every 36 seconds effing and jeffing all over her and it's Dame Judi to you all I would love to have Judi Dench read these books though

well I mean if the screenplay ever gets you know she would get it green lit so she's the one who takes you first

her box office I mean my god I know we'd be going straight to Hollywood not after you alllit. So she's the one who takes you first. Her box office. I mean, my God. I know. We'd be going straight to Hollywood. Not after you all just said that she's not sexy enough to play the Duchess. Well, yeah, but the Duchess isn't the right part for her. Yeah, I think she could maybe play Betty Wilkes or Vicky Woods. That's true.

That's not a bad show. Because they could be any age. Yeah. She could play all the 20,000 women at Go To. It'd be like the poster for Being John Malkovich. Exactly. With her range. 20,000 dentures.

It's not a big part, but there's 20,000 of you. I'll do it. It's computer regenerated everywhere. And you get a walk. I'd love to see the behind the scenes, you know, when they showed you how they made Jurassic Park back in the day and they were like, we've just duped them all over. Judy Dench in a green suit

with like dots on it it would be an expensive film though because you'd he would you'd all go to you'd have to hire the O2 for a start

well exactly you'd get down there you'd get 20,000 extras and then the speech only lasts about 14 seconds yeah and then she's off again but you can do all that

on a computer yeah it's fine you don't need to go to the O2 they'll build that after but I feel like if we're going to make this film it needs to be made in the old way like a real set yeah i want to have real sets i don't want to have just like green screen everything no two hour lunches yeah people refusing to come out of the trailers amazing catering i want it all yeah that's not the old school that's that's a mangum production right

there jane collins has got to be in it. Yes! She's got to be, hasn't she? Got to be. Have you gotten in? Yeah. Anywhere with a swing, she's there. You've seen her early work. She's there.

We can get her. Don't worry about that. When you audition for things, do you have to do chemistry tests? I have done, yeah. Have you? Yeah. What's that?

Well, just see if you hate each other or not, basically. Oh. for things do you have to do chemistry tests i have done yeah have you yeah what's that well just see if you hate each other or not basically oh well you know you get into rooms sometimes and it just doesn't work i mean i did i did a thing recently guilty as charged yeah this chemistry test has been going on for an hour and a half he's edging out of the room i did uh i think for sky recently i had two wives and I had to audition with various actresses to see if

we look like we could be married because sometimes you put people together and you go they could never be married you would never put them together and sometimes you can't tell

until you get them in the same room but sometimes you can tell because like no offence but sometimes someone's really punching above their weight yeah

in a real marriage well in TV and film you're like come on to be fair it's normally the bloke punching above his weight. Yeah. In a real marriage, I mean. Well, in TV and film, you're like, come on. To be fair, it's normally the bloke punching above his weight. Yeah. In fact, this Sky series is a perfect example because I'm married to Heather Graham in it.

Oh, my God. Which I thought made a lot of sense. She's punching above her weight, old Heather. For the benefit of the tape, Stephen Mangan just downed his wine. Yeah. Lad, with my small finger in the air as I did it as well. There you go.

That's how you drink wine. I think we were supposed to say, that is a perfect match. Everyone will believe it. I cannot wait for the success of the show. Exactly. But if you don't get on and find each other annoying,

it rarely works. Well, we'll be the judge of it. Yeah. On that note, goodbye, Stephen Mangan. Literally will be the judge of it on that note goodbye Stephen literally will be the judge of it interview terminated you'll be hearing from Rocky in the morning just saying

he's not worried about that though is he Rocky everybody has chemistry with Belinda like apparently everybody wants to shag Belinda but there's nothing there with Belinda there's no personality she's utterly vacuous she's an empty vessel yes she's an empty vessel but

she's kind of she's just filled at every opportunity I think she's a really interesting character because of that like she's probably quite

an empty person like maybe there is a real journey for us to go on with Belinda and we just haven't even scratched the surface yet but she's quite robust

because she's quite like she kind of nothing nothing fazes her she's nothing it she's hard as nails yes she just is fine with everything she doesn't shut the door and weep does she no there's no self-doubt not at all there's no reflection it's not an examined life is it there's no soul searching going on is there no's none, is there? No. You could hit her on the head with a wok and she wouldn't react. She'd be like, thank you. Do you want a kiss? She's the most obtuse woman ever written.

I love her. So was this, do we think, her first proper job? Because she's only 26. Is she 26? She's 29. 29. Not that your first proper job was at 26, but like her first... You don't just walk into pots and pans without a bit of experience.

You don't think? Even with her, you know, huge breasts that have always been thrown out of a bra. I actually know where her last job was. Oh, really? How do you know this? Because my dad told me once. Well, actually, my dad once wrote her CV and sent it to me. And I was like, why have you sent me Melinda Blumenthal's CV?

She doesn't exist. Should we go on then? It was honestly complete with complete with like references and things and her last job was in typhoid crockery holdings what typhoid crockery holdings typhoid typhoid's a disease yeah it's a really horrible disease yeah you get from from overflown toilets. Which is what you're going to want to think of when you buy your pots and pans. When you buy your dinner plates, apparently.

Yeah. So she was in crockery and she's made the big jump to pots and pans. They're quite different markets and quite different products. So what is it? Typhoid crockery services. Holdings. Holdings. Holdings is good that definitely sounds like somewhere that watchdog would investigate yeah yeah yeah door stepping

yeah absolutely it sounds like the east india company or something oh like a historic a historical institution typhoid crockery holdings oh i bet she was so sweet and innocent before what crockery as pure as the crockery. As fine as the bone china. Yeah, you do worry about her. Do you? No, don't worry. And I know Belinda Blumenthal as well.

Yeah. What's that? I mean, it's quite a Jewish name, isn't it? It is, but I think my dad was inspired by Heston Blumenthal, the chef. Oh.

That's where I think that that's come from. I mean, I haven't asked him. I don't think he knows it's a Jewish name. I don't think he knows the... Yeah, because he does mix it up, doesn't he? Yeah. Like Chiara, it's Chiara Montague. It's a it's a Jewish name. I don't think he knows the... He does mix it up, doesn't he?

Like Chiara, it's Chiara Montague. It's a very obtuse Italian name. Wherever Montague's from. Certainly not from Chianti. What does this say? Oh, that's a topless ride. That's the next episode. Oh, yeah.

Oh, topless ride. It's quite a good chapter title. It's quite vague. It's it's quite vague it's like what what does it mean well we're in horsey country aren't we so they've got it's got to be a horse ride and the duchess turns the dial and the now roamed eggs you know i've found the way up into belinda's brain she's now controlling her with the remote control love eggs and she forces her to remove her top am i right do you know what you may be right but you'll have to wait till next week oh curses rocky might surprise you with where he goes i've given up a long time ago trying to

predict where the story will go next from a title or from anything well even up until the last word i still this could go anywhere exactly we could take a turn that no one in the history of humanity has foreseen. Well, Stephen Mangan, you told your wife you popped out to buy some milk. You should probably go. You got any milk I can borrow? Thank you so, so much for joining us. It's been really fun. My absolute pleasure.

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