My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Thomas Middleditch

Episode Date: September 15, 2016

Emmy-nominated star of HBO's 'Silicon Valley' Thomas Middleditch chats to the gang about the tragic character of Belinda, tries out a few character voices and tells all about filming with Keanu Reeves... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, The Footnotes. Today we have the star of Silicon Valley, the Emmy-nominated comedy genius, Thomas Middleditch. Woo! Hi, mate. How's it going? Pretty good. Hello to you all and hello to all your listeners. Hello. Where are you in the world?

Currently, I'm in sunny Puerto Rico. Nice. Shooting a film with none other than Mr. Keanu Reeves. Oh, get you. Yeah, everybody has to pay attention to me now. What's Keanu Reeves like? He's actually a very kind-hearted man.

I don't know what I was expecting. I hadn't heard otherwise. Yeah, he's great. I constantly resist the urge to just quote Point Break and Speed and all these movies that have influenced me. Does he still wear the long leather coat from The Matrix?

Yeah, and it's weird when you bring up The Matrix. He's like, why does everyone do that? I'm like, because it's the leather coat. It's a staple of his wardrobe. Doesn't he know that? Duh. Yeah, I did at some point do a little non-heinous from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. He had a chuckle.

A polite giggle. Ha ha, well done. Now get the fuck away from me. So you've been listening to Belinda Blinked, The Continued Adventures of, book two. I have never laughed harder. Fucking goddamn podcast. It is like I turn into a psychopath psychopath i'm like walking my dogs or something

snotting out my fucking guts it's so good it's so good my dad is a genius what can i say i'm i'm actually prepared to make the argument that he is 100 a full-blown genius we're ready to hear those arguments. Even just recently, I was, you know, I stay fit, you know how I do it. And I was on the old elliptical here in the hotel. Like, doubling over. This is a weird

damn podcast. It's so good. I'm late to the party. I really only started, like, I don't know, a month and a half ago, and I chewed through them all. They're so good. Wow. So you've binged it. I've binged. I'm a binge podcaster. I must purge, because I have binged.

Yeah. I have to mix it up, because I like this other podcast called Sword and Scale, which is, like, a very dire true crime podcast about, like, just the worst horrible crimes of all the world. And so I pepper in yours to help bring me out of my reckless hatred of all mankind. And yet this is more eye-watering, surely. I think this is one of the most reckless crimes of all time, actually.

My dad writing this book is horrific. To me, at least. Everyone else loves it, apparently. But for me, it's still very much a traumatic experience. I can imagine. There are some lines that just really take you by surprise. One of my favorites recently was The Flesh of Mankind. Yeah.

Yeah. The Flesh of Mankind. And his weird, you know, there's sometimes where I think your dad, he maybe has like the sexual knowledge of a 13 year old. Like it's all hearsay about what he heard sex is like from the kids at the playground. You know what I mean? But like almost the kids in the playground at another school quite far

away. So they've had to sort of like shout it long distance and then stuff's got lost in translation. Yeah. I know it's all like, I hear what you got to do is apply pressure. Just put some pressure on it like it's got some bleeding or something.

And make sure to just fiddle around those lids. It's crazy that he calls, I don't know, what I would call just straight up pussy lips. Straight up pussy lips, that's what we all call them. He calls that shit vaginal lids. It's such like a lot of the sex turns into like a fucking gyno exam. It's so medical and.

Yeah, except a gynecologist who knows nothing about the female body. Someone who's been struck off the medical register for sure. Yeah. And people like reaching up and like smashing the cervix or something. Is it always like you like and he chewed her cervix or something. Chewed her cervix. He always high-fiving it or poking it or pulling it yeah something's always happening up there chatting away to it yeah and that and that's what see to me this is as i was gonna say like why i think your dad's potentially

a genius is he's written in my mind one of the most tragic characters in all of literature. I mean, because here's this woman who thinks she's pretty fucking sexy. Like, if this book is kind of secretly from her point of view, she's an incredibly sexy woman who's throwing it out for everyone. And people have noticed, like these weird lascivious businessmen have all noticed. They're like, hold on, we can get this train wreck woman to do anything we want. She's thinking she's doing a really good job when really she's just being like tied up in a maze and getting screwed by the Sterling. What's his name? Jim Sterling.

Yeah. Mr. Micropenis, yeah. Yeah. With his little severed finger. Mr. Micro Penis, yeah. Yeah, with his little severed finger. The thing is, though, I think Belinda actually is kind of successful at what she does. She does get the orders in, to be fair.

She does, but why I think there's another layer going on is because your dad's... I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, he set out to do an erotic novel that ideally would turn you on. Oh, that makes a lot of sense now. Okay, that's what he was trying to do. Got it. Yeah. That's what I'm like to believe. But, I mean, what ends up happening is

he creates these scenarios which are so far from that. Again, a really kind of detailed description of fucking a short guy with a tiny dick like there's not many people even if you're into erotic fiction that would read that be like yes exactly who's that turning on completely agree it's it's an odd direction to take an erotic novel isn't it something so grotesque that you're like, oh god, I'll never have sex again.

And also with that dude, the Dutch guy. Dr. Robbins. Robbins, right? I mean, nothing against anyone with any mental affliction, but he's... He's certifiable. Yeah, he's giggling and shuffling

and probably using his thighs to jerk himself off or something. This is why I think your dad, old Flintstone, has got it on point. He's describing these terrible situations and in her mind, she's like,

ooh, I'm the sexiest bitch in the world. But it does make you think, who's its audience? Who is it aimed at? Is it aimed at men? Is it aimed at women? Is it aimed at women? Business people? Yeah.

Well, if it is, it paints a pretty bleak picture of the business world. It does, doesn't it? It paints a picture of, like, older dudes who are constantly, like, hello, oh, you look nice. Like, everyone's like, they see a girl enter the office and they're like, oh, I'd like to rub my hands on her. Everyone is like, first words out of their mouth are like, nice breasts. But to be fair, that's all Belinda ever says.

She's always like, oh, I mean, she looked great, but her breasts are inferior to mine. She had a great ass, but I guess her breasts were lacking. That's all she judges people on as well. Which feeds the fire that, like, she is this tragic figure. I loved all those, whoever drew them, those, like, drawings on your Instagram of, like, a bit of a poorly potato body Belinda. And she's, like, loving it. Like, I mean, the scene... The delusion is, yeah, right.

Yeah, it's a delusion. The chapter when she's, like, smashed at that nice restaurant and falls down and, like, fucking, she's naked and stuff. And the fact that, like, it doesn't end with Peter Rouse, like, putting a blanket over and taking her home. It doesn't end like that. In fact, he's like, come on, let's go to the casino. And, like, meet this Russian pervert who is a big greasy like what's that dance in in like eastern countries

where they they squat and stand up and stick their legs out you know what i'm saying yeah like the kind of bolshevik yeah my mate can do it really well actually he's got it down at this point flintstones described that dude as like zangief from Street Fighter. I mean, he's like this. What a reference. Well, I mean, it's like such a stereotypical, crazy Russian guy who's like greasy and like, oh, nice tits. I feel like he's got like a scabbard on like some like Cossack saber as well. It's crazy, man. I just think at times, it's so strangely written. At the end, he'll pull back the curtain and be like,

you're welcome. I've just given you the most tragic figure. This has been a lesson for all of us. Yeah, almost like, oh, guess what? Belinda's is all. She's humankind. This is what will happen if we continue down this road, society. Yeah. The last page of the last book is just a mirror.

It's so good. It's so funny. Anyway, sorry, keep going. Do you know what is really good that I've just noticed? Your accents. Yeah, I was going to say. Much better than mine. I think you need to start reading this book. What were they?

You did a bit of English, a bit of Dutch, a bit of Russian. I do love accents. I'm a parrot in that way. Oh, we've got tons of accents in this book. Oh, if you'd have me on for a reading, Jesus, you'd make my goddamn life. Man, well, why don't we audition you right now? Oh, what part? Because I know this film, right?

We've got to get this thing off the ground. Well, who would you want to play in the movie? I do like the idea of playing Robin, Dr. Robin. Oh, that position is currently available. You can have that. Yeah, because that is like the strangest dutch office i also like these characters that are the tallish and the youngish like this sort of generic that guy i don't know he's fucking in the ballpark of something but yeah i would love robin's because

he is a true strange duck okay well let's try your accent then so how do you think dr robin sound he's a dman, obviously. When he's like, set yourself up on the desk there, Belinda. And then when she's all like naked, he'd just be like. Oh, that's his feminine laugh. That's good. I have a question for you guys, because I don't want to make you too self-conscious, but guy all three of you have great laughs thanks just real good yeah it's a dream both all of them yeah james is particularly great i always think well it's all very infectious but you sound like you're all good friends like you've known each other for a long time 10 long years thomas? It was the summer of 2005. James was attached to a trellis and we came across him in a glade.

Not came across him. That's not the right phrasing. I mean, that was later. You had to remove your black thongs. Yeah, we went to university together, so we've known each other a very long time. But this is the first time that we've kind of indulged in pornography together. And it's catapulted into the stratosphere, right? I mean, isn't this like

the hugest podcast in the world? In the world it is. It's nice of you to say this thing. Yeah, it's doing very, very well. It's very exciting. I mean, it's nice of my dad more than anything. To give him an audience has been nice because otherwise

he would just be a batshit crazy man in a garden shed writing really terrible porn. Well, he is still that. Well, he is that. He has an audience. He has an audience now.

He's writing for somebody. Yeah, we didn't want him to go down the Dr. Robbins road. We were like, come back, Rocky, come back. Can you imagine just going home and he's just like swaying

and humming in his shed? Never good. Are there any tells in his personality that you'd get a bit of like is he cheeky in any way that like is he cheeky oh my god man he's cheeky yeah he is unbelievably naughty yeah he is he always pushes the boundaries of any social situation we were talking to him the other day and he was like i'm a maverick he's a self styled like wild child we're like we know dad we know you don't need to tell us but oh do you think this is do you think oh my god i'm squealing do you think that is he is he aware is he has it gone

to his head i guess is the short form question. Absolutely. He is the most difficult person to live with on the planet at the minute. My mother is struggling daily to control. Because the thing is with my dad, is that obviously we all love him as our dad, because I've got three sisters, and we're a very close family. But he isn't my dad anymore. He has just morphed into Rocky Flintstone.

So really, when we're having Sunday dinner, it's Rocky at the other end of the table, just like cracking innuendos. And we're like, Dad, please, I just want my father back. Just for a meal. It's like, find a switch, Dad, just switch him off. It's fine. You don't have to be Rocky the whole time. I can't imagine it. I mean, like, you know, how books they have the pictures, author at the back. I just could imagine what he envisions. Rocky Flintstone is probably actually a well put together portrait, you know, like a man in a turtleneck and like a pipe. Well, we kind of thought that was the image that he would want to put out, too, until we saw the image that he'd chosen for his e-book. And he did choose an author picture. I can only describe the person in the picture

as a 21-year-old Chippendale. Homosexual. Homosexual. And Dad was just like, God, isn't he just so sexy? I was like, no, Dad, no, no, he isn't. And also, not sure this is the right image to be promoting about yourself. That's great.

Like in his mind, this like greased up Chippendale is like, I'm off work, guys. A really weedy one. He just like slaps out some books on a keyboard, like. It's so really great. Now, man, this, this is a master. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan.

Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Can we take you back to the accents momentarily? Because your Dr. Robbins is really good, but I feel like we could take this a bit further

because you've got, I imagine, quite a range that you can do well i don't know now there's a lot of pressure but what do we think i don't know jim sterling seems like an obvious one because he's you know off of america yeah he's like the american version that like an irish yeah clint stone would think of america exactly he's like well, well, hey there, Belinda. Howdy, ma'am. Mind if I have a go? You know, it's like all that. He's like draped in the American flag eating apple pie.

Yeah, exactly. That's good. I'm ticking that one off. But everybody, whoever they are, they're just in the Lamborghini caviar world of pots and pans. You know? I knew it was so lucrative. Mate, we should all jump ship, I think, and get into pots and pans. Tell Keanu he's in the wrong game.

Yeah, it's fucking, it's entourage, man. It's slow and sex parties, but, you know, cookware as well. Okay, so I'm ticking Jim Sterling off. That's brilliant. What about the Duchess? The Duchess? The Duchess is the Panama Biatch. That's how we will always refer to her

from now on, the Panama Biatch. She is indeed, yeah. What'd she do? Oh, yeah. She's like, come now, Belinda. Take this leather riding crop. Let me use it as a dildo. I'm just saying it's dewy from from family guy or something one of the same i feel like she's got a bit of a rasp to her as well like she's seen a few things she's probably

been a smoker at a time she's seen a few things yeah a very kathleen turner like oh come to my bed and let me shove my little riding cross doesn't sound right something sounds like it's being tensed. You're right. I think you've been applying pressure to yourself there. Yeah. That almost sounds like, that sounds like Voldemort.

It's definitely somewhere between Kathleen Turner and Voldemort at Panama Beach what about and I know this might be a tricky one because we've I don't know if Jamie's ever tried to properly do this voice all right sorry uh what about actually Belinda herself? Oh, you know what? I was recently in England. At one point, we went up to York. And every night, there was some crazy hen party with just like women who had so much fake tanner on and the most mascara. All at the same time. It's like, get that eyeliner thick and make sure your skin is orange. Like Trump style.

We haven't met Thomas, but you've just described me. Thank you. Yeah, but I kind of think of Belinda as her. That's the kind of image I have of someone clomping around on high heels, like fucking up their ankles on the cobblestone. Oh, which ball are we going to next?

Proper Essex girl yeah yeah come on you know oh my god that's so belinda you can see the top of her breast but then also her gut like that's the curvature i really do think those drawings on your instagram are perfect that is so belinda like this portly body with her hair. And she's just like gung-ho, like smiling. Ha-ha! She's almost like a Nancy Drew. Off on a new adventure. Come on. I mean, if you're having a threesome, and suddenly someone claps to turn on the clapper light

and reveal the biggest crowd they've ever had, over 230 people. And it's like, surprise, isn't this fun? All these people have been watching you. I think everyone's normal reaction would not be like, oh, I'm just going to go with it. They'd be like in tears, like, you bastard, you lied to me. How could you do this? I trusted you.

Like, you don't say, you don't say, trust me, go with anything. Like, I'm going to show you the best time of your life. And then like, ha ha, trick you, Russian trick, you're in the porno now. Yeah, and I love that.

In that, when they got auctioned off, which was like, it was after the maze, right? Like, she just brought in, covered in, like, jizz, signs, and mud. Like, ancient runes. Ancient, like, witch runes. Like, vodka! And she's just, like, a total mess. And she's like, ooh, I wonder who's going to get auctioned off.

And, like, it's like, no, Belinda, you from the get-go of course it's you you mess and then she gets auctioned off in a crowd of people who have their business and with their wives there they just sat around on those chairs yeah like doug don't vote oh come on it's a company retreat you're supposed to. It's for charity, baby. Okay. And then Doug disappears for 12 hours and comes back red raw. Doug, put your hand down. You're not supposed to. Oh, Doug is gutted that he didn't get Giselle. Bold Giselle.

Yeah. The motley crew of adventurers. Well, this is the thing. My dad has written the most incredible character. Considering that a character is only in the book for all of three pages, he has an ability to create indelible characters like the Countess Zara, Dr. Robbins, Grigor.

Even Christina, brackets Chris. Yeah, it is quite extraordinary. Jim Sterling, the list goes on. The Duchess, the youngish man, of course. And you're so desperate for them to return. You really hope that they will be revisited and they will be part of the narrative. Of course they won't, but you just hope they will.

It's just such a skill. The only person, unless I'm wrong, the only person that's stuck with us is Peter Rouse, right? He's one of the few that's like, I'm going to be in it for the long haul. And I feel like that's only stuck with us is Peter Rouse, right? Like one of the few that's like, I'm going to be in it for the long haul. And I feel like that's only because he said that they'd arranged a meeting. So he's like, bugger, got to sort that out now.

Okay, fine. But she also arranged meetings with a lot of other people. So maybe they'll come later on. There are two parts of the book. There's all of the like sexy, in inverted commas stuff, all of the erotic stuff. But then there's all the business stuff. And I feel like that's where it's most useful to you, Thomas, because you're in Silicon Valley and that's all about startups and stuff.

Obviously, this is maybe some stuff that you can use and you can kind of inform your character with. So you're welcome. Yeah, yeah. I'll just revisit. What was it? Chapter three. your character with so you're welcome yeah yeah i'll just revisit what was it chapter three just um like a strong what is it how two pages of business admin yeah utterly i think maybe that was his attempt at sort of like well it can't all be a sex so here's my exactly my blushing out the

world but it was like specific without being without telling you anything yeah exactly yeah it was really boring and really laborious but nothing actually happened or was informed to us it's extraordinary again a skill there was a lot of taxi booking that took a long time oh yeah and great like those the characters in that chapter and like that area are great it would just be like you know like oh that's tim tadwell and he's from you know west chester shire and he's coming and you know he had a great idea so belinda liked it you know he's always like very like nigel cummingsworth like regional district manager of whatever we love des Des Martin. And Ken Dewsbury.

Oh, yeah. They're just so boring and pedestrian. Can I ask what was your dad? He was a businessman, right? In some way, like he was an office guy. Yeah, he was a salesman. In pots and pans? Like in that kind of stuff?

He sold concrete for a while. He sold many things. He was just like, his resume said salesman. He's lived so many lives. He's drawn on so many things to get to this point. Yeah. I don't have many encounters with like true blue Irishmen, but like you're describing what someone in my position would think of an Irishman to date.

To just be like a little bit off his rocker. Like, well, did you know what sex is, mind you? You know, just not knowing what it is. And they're like, what do you do for a living, sir? I sell any tinged moo. Rocky is the sort of guy that at any family gathering it gets to about two in the morning and out comes the harmonica

and the whole family starts singing Irish songs and he's there playing. I mean, he is great. Yeah, the harmonica. What the whole family starts singing Irish songs, and he's there playing. I mean, he is great. Yeah, the harmonica. Oh, what a beauty. What a gem. I mean, there was that part, right, I can't remember when,

but there was some Irish song that was referenced, and you knew a bit of it. Oh, yeah. Will you go, lassie, go. Yeah, go, lassie, go. That was great, man. Well, we're writing a book, actually, Thomas, which has got all of Rocky's stuff in it,

like all of his thoughts when he was writing each chapter, where he got his inspiration from, like where he likes to write, like all of this insight. So we'll have to send you one. Oh, I'd love it. I would love it. We'll even get him to sign one for you.

How about that? Oh, my word. This has been so great. And I'm sure like rocky will be thrilled you know somebody who's doing stuff in business whether it be in fiction is is listening to this and you know taking his his tips and his thoughts forward so it has been so brilliant to talk to you thank you yeah thanks so much for chatting to us likewise it's rare and and exciting that you kind of like either watch or listen to or experience something that is just so captivating, especially in such a strange way.

I mean, it's been so fun listening. And from in the Hollywood spectrum of myself to Elijah Wood, we wish you guys all the best. Well, actually, before you go, we have got a little challenge for you, actually, because you have been nominated for an Emmy, which is fantastic. Congratulations. I can't wait to lose. Well, interesting. If you were to win, your challenge is to get the word lids into your acceptance speech.

You're throwing down a gauntlet to try and work your podcast into my Emmy award acceptance speech. That is Belinda level Baldy I mean the odds

I just just so your hopes are in the right place I think I I saw on some like you know awards website that my odds

are winning are 93 to 1 okay don't bother them yeah I think it's safe to say that I'm gonna fly from Puerto Rico put a suit on 93 to 1. Oh, wow. Okay, don't bother them. Yeah, yeah. I think it's safe to say that I'm going to fly from Puerto Rico,

put a suit on, and then just fly dejected back to Puerto Rico. Well, don't worry. We've hedged our bets. We've actually asked Rachel Bloom as well. Oh, good.

Oh, good. Well, she's got a chance. You know, she's been winning awards left, right, and center. She said she was in, I can't remember how she worded it, that she was in with a better chance than you. No, she didn't really.

I'm just starting the beef. I'm just starting the beef. Touché. Touché, darling. Rightio. Thank you so much, Thomas. Cool. Yeah, it's been amazing.

Thanks, man. Indeed it has. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis

or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.