My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Twitter Roulette

Episode Date: September 8, 2016

The gang read and respond to some of the tweets they've received about Book 2 so far... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. I've got James, I've got Alice. Hello. Hi. How are we? Ready. Ready for Twitter roulette. Yeah.

I thought we'd see what everyone's been saying about us on the old interweb. Never, you should never do that. I want to do an internet search like Rocky does in book one. How much hate have we got? Well, let's find out. So how does this work? So if we search our handle, Dad Wrote a Porno. Yeah.

Yeah, on Twitter. So get it up there. How do you spell dad? Joking. So am I going top tweets or all tweets? All tweets, please. Okay. Okay, so we're going to take it in turns and just going to run our fingers down.

And when we say stop, you have to read that tweet. Oh, okay. Okay, Al, do you want to go first? I feel like you've got good flexing fingers. Going to get a bit of a run up on it. Start scrolling. Keep going. And stop. Okay, this, do you want to go first? I feel like you've got a bit of flexing fingers. Going to get a bit of run-up on it. Start scrolling. Keep going. And stop.

Okay, this is from Jasmine. And this is a question, actually. Really. And it's for you, Jamie. Yep. So Jasmine's catching up on the Christmas footnote. Where on earth has she been? I forgot we did that.

I know, that was genuinely about four years ago. And she says, Is Jamie not super uncomfortable with Rocky's comparison of himself as Sir James? Now that everything's happened. Oh, now that we've actually met Sir James. Oh, yeah. Do you know what? I hadn't even thought, but yes.

Oh, God. So what have we learned about Sir James? He's a pervert. He greets people with like a tit relish, kind of, tit relish. Everyone was loving your voice for him oh were they

yeah oh good go on I can't remember it give us a blast I actually can't remember it wasn't there a posh oh

oh yeah sploom to that one oh god yes also dreary your poverty ridden lives yes is your dad rich is he super rich

no not at all he will be soon he writes porn in his pavilion slash shed. He's not a rich man. He might be a sir one day. Who knows? He might be a knight of the world. I don't think he will.

There are some weird people in those honours lists, honestly. Sir Bono, anyone? Is it Sir Bono? Yeah. You don't call him Sir Bono. But that's his title, technically. Sounds like one word, Sir Bono. Sir Boner is what Rocky will be. So yeah i do in reply to jasmine i feel

very uncomfortable about that actually i should re-listen to that episode just to make sure that nothing maybe just don't listen to it like ever again yeah you're probably right right who's next i'll go okay go stop okay someone said got my tickets for dad wrote a porno at cheltenham literary festival we are actually doing this that's not a joke how lols who asked who did we ask them or did they ask us no they asked us amazingly enough that must be some sort of mistake i don't know what they think we're gonna do do. Because in many ways, Rocky should be there, like reading Bill and the Blinked. I mean, we can read from our new book,

but I don't feel like it's the right crowd. I mean, is it the right crowd? It's very erudite, isn't it? Yeah. I think we're following Ian McEwan as well. Yeah, that's what the rest of the tweet says. Yeah. No, we're not. We are.

That's the lineup. Author of Atonement, amongst other things. Talk about misc aren't we on at like 11 o'clock at night as well i hope so i just hope everyone's drunk do you think they have proper tents like kind of um big marquees and then they've actually just got a four-man tent and we're in that oh yeah well i hope so so, us three and the organiser? Potentially. Right, Jamie. My go. Go.

Stop. Oh, there's one in French here, so I won't read that. Oui. Okay. So someone's got an idea for us, guys. Always concerning. A new Dad Road to Porno spin-off idea. We don't need a spin-off.

Alice Levine and me read factual... Sorry, James. The spin-off is the podcast without you. Can I still get a cut? Alice and Jamie read factual gynae procedures to James and he describes from logistics point of view. Oh, there you go. You are involved. Oh, good.

But I'm just kind of being taught things by you two. Yeah, we're saying funny stuff and then you're just like basically reading stuff off the internet. A bit like those Dutch lessons you gave us yeah you've clearly got yourself a little niche there well right so apparently we've been tweeted that it's gyne month this month like oh essentially vagina awareness month great so you need that every month you don't you didn't even know they existed till like two months ago. But I think in some small way, if my ignorance has helped other people's ignorance, then I can die a happy man. Well, your ignorance and Rocky's ignorance, of course. Yeah, because apparently even some women don't know what's down there or what's in there, should I say.

They must know there's a vagina. You just said vagina awareness. They know it's there. Okay. No one's ever gone like, oh, God, I've just never looked south. What is that line? Line, right? It's a line? It's ever gone like oh god i've just never looked south what is that line line right it's a line it's not a line line oh god we're not going down this route again but you're right jokes aside great if people are more at one with their parts exactly sex education we're not talking about it enough and we should be and go Rocky for that we're not doing it enough

well speak yourself always round this table with you two right go on Al is it my turn again gosh it comes around so quickly doesn't it okay

that is some strong finger action there rack off are you going to tell me to stop oh stop I could have been there all day

we've got places to be very sadly can't make the show at King's Cross Oh, stop. I could have been there all day. We've got places to be. Very sadly, can't make the show at King's Cross. Oh. They're dropping like flies. There's going to be two of us there. If any Bill and the fans want it, let me know. Oh.

Thanks for that, Gemma. It's going to be a roaring success. Do pop down if you can. This is our first live shows that we're doing. Someone's pulled out already. Yeah, how have they pulled out already? And then publicly said it on Twitter and tagged us in. That's a burn, isn't it?

Well, come on. The tickets are in demand. And I feel like over the next couple of weeks, if you're in London and you want to come, maybe more people will have to change their plans and there might be tickets available. Or maybe we should start just to kind of drop in policy. Do you think as they start saying they can't make it, we'll just be like, it's just open door.

It's just free. It's a free event. It's fine. Stand in the aisles. Like, we just need to fill the room. Do you think people bought them for friends thinking they're going to love this? And then they were like, do you want to come? And they're like, God, no.

Why would you think that? What is that? It's gross. Come watch Stranger Things on Netflix, please. Again. I'd rather watch it again. All right, Jim, go. Okay.

And stop. Okay. I feel vindicated by this tweet i agree i think i know what it's gonna be i agree with james a dude can't go a day without seeing his dong hashtag daily dong you've spawned a hashtag i can't tell you the number of people this week who have sent me tweets saying, I just look at my penis. No dick pics, thankfully. We did get one dick pic, actually. Did you? We got that picture, didn't we, of Dick Van Dyke? Quite enjoyed that.

No, but again, I just feel like we're acknowledging something that happens that everyone looks at their penis. Yeah. But I guess it's a question of, does it need discussing? But yeah, I mean, it's a fact. Did we establish that you examine it to use a rocky word? He admires it.

No, no, no. I admire it. Bitch, please. Plays with it. When you go to the toilet or when you get out of the shower, it's there. You will see it.

I don't examine it. I don't admire it. It's just there. It's there, but i wouldn't say like i look at my toes every day yeah exactly that's what i mean it's not something to make a conversation point over well i can't even remember how we got into it in the first place the other day but i did not get into it that's for sure but the fact you never look at your vagina is also quite worrying i don't never look at it she's shy i feel like she's a never nude. I've always got a full wetsuit on at all times.

I never said I don't look at it. I just said, as a girl, when you go... We don't need to talk about it. We don't need to talk about it. They're different bits. One's just like there and one's a bit more out there, you know? We'll talk about it in the car. But yeah, I appreciate all the support,

but please stop tweeting about your dicks now. Thank you. Yeah, desist. I don't think that's the thing you can switch on and off like a tap like once you've put the dick tap on as it were yeah people know you're in the market for dick james they're definitely gonna hound you know how many more times can we say dick go on jame make it a good and jame come on okay and stop so holly thinks that she's found the real life belinda oh great and she's um linked to a daily mail article that says woman 45 pleads guilty after performing oral sex on a park bench

on a park on a park bench belinda be like small fry boring i was just thinking oh because obviously that's like indecent exposure and all those kind of things yeah but um it's not the fact that it's on a park bench is it well it was also the fact that it's on a park bench, is it? Well, it was also the fact that she was performing a sex act on a woman she'd never met before. Very Belinda. Never met before?

Never met her before. Presumably they'd met that day. Yeah, I was going to say they've met when this is happening. The woman's not just like... Lunged on her? Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm sure they had some sort of like greeting and then got down to it on a to it. But Belinda doesn't

even have that. She does the greeting afterwards, doesn't she? True. She wouldn't know her name. But the thing that I'm loving most is that the woman is just using

her handbag to shield her eyes from every single photograph. Oh, to protect her identity. The caption reads, the woman who prosecutors said was

remorseful and embarrassed. So it can't be Belinda actually. Can't be Belinda. No way. Call it off. No be Belinda actually. Can't be Belinda. No way. Call it off. No, Belinda would be proud and shouting it from the rooftops. She'd be giving out leaflets or something, wouldn't she?

She'd be behind bars is what she'd be. Right, what have we got for us, James? Scroll away, please. Okay. Stop. Stop. I said stop. Stopping. Okay. Ah. What? Jen. Stopping. Okay. Ah.

What? Jen. Ah, classic Jen. I named my new Pokemon after this chapter. Everyone is naming their Pokemon after Belinda Blink's names. I love Pokemon. I know you do. Alice was just wandering the streets aimlessly trying to hatch an egg.

Honestly. Honestly, it's so embarrassing. I've never seen anything more tragic. We were on our way here and she was like, I can't get GPS. I was like, are you trying to navigate? Look on her phone.

She's trying to catch Pokemon. Is that why you're both so late? That's why I was late. I don't know how you rename them though. I'm a beginner. I'm only level 11. Shut up!

I wouldn't even know if that's good. How many levels are there? Oh, I don't know but I've ascended very quickly. The only thing is right, I dropped a flare the other day and who is she i've literally no idea who this woman is and that attracts pokemons to you but i was in my house and none of them came

so it's an allegory for your social life is that what you're saying well why do you think i'm playing pokemon in my house on my own it very much is an allegory for my social life sort it out I cannot believe you play Pokemon of all the people I thought

she doesn't even own a computer I do just not a TV she's just on a typewriter most days isn't she Nick I'm going to say one thing though

and people who play Pokemon will understand this when you've caught a Pokemon but it escapes and you've got to give it a raspberry I'm furious

do you know what what a place to it escapes and you've got to give it a raspberry. I'm furious. Do you know what? What a place to end it on. I'm going to give this whole conversation a big fat raspberry. All right, guys, you can always get in touch with us on Twitter. We might even read out a tweet one day, at dadwroteporno. We're on Instagram, mydadwroteur.

And you can email us if there's something a little bit more substantial. That is mydadwroteporno at gmail.com. And just just to say i've got a drowsy that's 257 so okay bye picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.