My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Vagina 101

Episode Date: August 10, 2017

After many of you requested it, Jamie and Alice help answer James' questions to learn more about the vagina. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. Now, recently James entertained us all with his lack of knowledge about female orgasming. And Alice offered to take him to the pub and discuss all things women with him. And lots of you wanted to attend that meeting. So we thought, let's bring it to the footnotes. You've got a drink, James? I've got a lovely glass of Chardonnay. Cheers.

This back room at my house is much like a ye olde pub. It smells the same, that's for sure. It's moth bitten. It smells a bit like wet dog. I'm just happy to have this time. I want to learn. I want to know. I'm a sponge. Okay. it smells the same that's for sure it's moth bitten it's uh smells a bit like wet dog i'm just happy to have this time like i want to learn i want to know i'm a sponge okay i want to absorb the juices i'm slightly concerned about the list and how long it is of your questions because we're probably not got all the time in the world okay yeah shall i ask question one yeah treat it as

an amnesty nothing is too embarrassing nothing should be shameful you just throw them out there jamie and i are here as sounding boards it's just going to help me moving forward with the book totally um question one how many holes well what do you mean wow that you have access to well you don't have a triple a pass so you have access to very few of them so i've heard there's either two or three holes do you mean? Because obviously there's like ears and mouths and noses and stuff. No, no, no. Downstairs, obviously. Okay.

Sorry. My bad, James. My bad. And each hole has a different function. So what's for what? How many are there what's for what, Alice? Okay. So you're very aware of one in particular.

The vagina? No, you're more acquainted to one specifically, James. Oh, the bum. So you're aware of that one specifically james oh the bum so you're aware of that one yeah so we'll consider that covered off if you like that's for some reason been blocked over cover the bum so um we're now in the vaginal region yeah okay so if we're going with that then then there's just two one is the vagina so one's like like different things come out of different and go into well like you you urinate out of's like, different things come out of different bits. And go into?

Well, like you urinate out of one. It's got to come out somewhere. Surely. Lemonade. Somewhere down there. And then do you menstruate out of the other? Do I? Or do we, as women folk?

And then which one does the penis go into? Okay, so should we talk the urethra yeah sure is that a good place to start jamie i think so yeah certainly if james is about to put his penis into it step away from the urethra well technically every hole is a goal so no the urethra is not a goal in any way that's a foul you sent off a bit it's a red card mate to use a sports analogy which i don't feel comfortable doing so you have a urethra too thank you yeah um so very similar you're looking at urine coming out of that i'm not looking at it just look so generally speaking and i'm sure there are people with teeny tiny penises, the urethra is too small to penetrate. Oh, for sure. Yeah?

Oh, for sure. Okay. In men too. Yeah. Okay, great. So if you're looking at the urethra on a woman, you've gone wrong. He's gone the wrong way before the urethra.

Yeah, seriously. There'd have to be a lot that happened before I was looking at a woman's urethra. If you glance south of that, which will scare you no end, that's when you're going to see the vaginal opening and that's where should you want to you could stick your penis in that's below the urethra yeah yeah so it's urethra what did you call it head shoulders knees and toes vaginal cavity is that what you call it don't say cavity vaginal opening sorry or the vagina you can just call it the vagina.

And then the anus. But that's got the cloaker between it, of course. Famously. On a bird. Which we know is a joke. It's part of slang. Get over it, guys. Okay.

So, are we saying three holes? And your middle one's your goal. You go in the middle one. Well, for some people, the bottom one's the goal. Of course it is. It depends what you're into okay so well that clears that up do you feel good about that that yeah definitely uh okay next question um do they all look the same they being women like if you saw your vagina in a lineup i'd be like why has someone produced this and how do i get it off the internet you know if your

vagina had robbed you or something and you had to identify it. Could you spot your vagina? Well, yeah, I mean, I'm sure you could spot your own, couldn't you, Al? But they do all look different, yeah. You say that, but you obviously don't see your own vagina that often up close. Just because of its location. Because they've all got different hairstyles, right? Oh, God.

It's not the Nolan sisters. Jesus. No, but some are more unkempt. Some girls, like, keep them really tidy. Yeah, but it's way more than that, James. It's like any body. You know, is your penis the same as mine? Oh, no, I could tell mine in a line-up.

You could tell yours in a line-up? Yeah, number three. But wait a sec. What are your identifying features? Well, that I'm not going in. That's far too personal, I must admit. But are you looking

at the balls or the shaft? A, don't say shaft. B, I think you'd have to take everything into consideration. What's your most, I suppose, what's your proudest element?

I mean, is anyone proud of their balls? Surely not, because they're not the one, are they? they no it'd have to be the shaft all right all right full of it james um but no what i'm saying is that vaginas aren't different because of the hairstyle that they choose to wear we all stop saying hairstyle i know i introduced it but they are actually different like everybody is different so you know this has turned into such an after-school special i love it it's like james every lady looks different because they're beautiful exactly i mean they all repulse you like universally so it doesn't matter what they look like so what like the lips are like different yeah like different sizes different

colors yep someone some have got a snarl some are really mean i wouldn't say they're personified but yeah sure so you know when people have designer vaginas what what do they do down there that interests me too because i don't know what the standard is like i don't know what they're saying it looks really good i would say because i think it's quite common for them to not be symmetrical like perfectly symmetrical so i wonder with a designer vagina if you're creating like some some weird standard that doesn't really exist in life everything's very like very neat because vaginas aren't really neat the way that like male genitalia isn't particularly neat yeah but i wonder what they're using as a reference because yeah do you flip through a catalog and

go i love i love the proportions of a yeah but like 23, I'm loving what they've done with the internal vibes. And the hairstyle in 58 is to die for. I love the pow, I love the hairstyle. I'll take it. I'll take it wholesale. And is it weird if you see a picture of a vagina in this catalogue that you like everything about it? Is that weird to completely copy someone's vagina?

Yeah. Because they say it's like the biggest form copy someone's vagina yeah because they say it's like the biggest form of flattery don't they is it cloning somebody else's vag imagine if you

spotted it you'd be like oh my god that's my vagina just like swimming baths or something someone's getting changed and you're

like wait a minute you're the crazy girl that stole my vagina look jeez oh my god we're vagina twins so yeah

they all look different is the answer to your question we are all different creatures we're built differently I just yeah they all look different is the answer to your question we are all different creatures we're built differently i just feel like jamie would be so good in a school assembly i just feel like his like natural like state is to be like reassuring but educational authoritative yet understanding you know like when there's a horrible bit in a sex education class where they're like, go home, look at it.

And you're like, oh God, I don't want to. Play with it. Just play with it. Pleasure yourself. Get familiar with your own body. I hate the phrase, get familiar with your own body. No, thank you. I'd rather just like dress in the dark in shame.

Boys get really familiar with their own body really young. Yeah, they don't really need convincing that much, do they? They've already familiarised themselves. Over familiar, if anything. They've fallen out already. Who's the person I'm aware that calls you babe and you're like, we've met twice? This is one that's just popped into my mind, but can you control the lips in any way? I'm sorry?

Can you, like, make them move? Control the lips? It's not a Punch and Judy show. Yeah. Can you make them like talk? James, what do you mean? I'm being a bit silly. He's got very cocky now because he's got so many answers.

I guess you can control the muscles within. Can you control the like... They're not like swinging doors or anything. They're not like what Rocky thinks about lips. Sorry, James is literally doing like a crab pincer movement to illustrate the lips you can't pick stuff up with them no okay were you wanting to like flip burgers or something i don't know so okay this is a bit more in depth if you like more in depth we've been like right into the urethra how far in are we are we at cervix territory when men

orgasm obviously they ejaculate you come in your pants yeah yeah um what happened they just said yes to that what happens with women like is it just a clean like clean break is it just like the terminology is my fave does Does anything come out? Okay. Jamie, would you like to start us off? Sure. When a woman gets aroused, they tend to get wetter, which helps with the lubrication. Which always helps. Yeah.

Get some water on it. Sure. Just irrigate the thing. Water the flower bed. James is splashing it with whatever's on the side. Bit of squash. I'm not splashing anything. What are you talking about?

But yeah, as you engage further and further into your sexual activity he's gonna be such a good dad if you're really proficient at what you're doing and you're both having a really lovely time in the sexual cuddle um mummy might decide i'm joking. Yeah, a girl could also ejaculate or cum, as we would colloquially call it. Well, there's discussion of squirting, isn't there? There is discussion of squirting. I think that's... I mean, some women can squirt.

Others can't. Sorry, I'm going to have to start. Squirt? Yeah, so it can actually... Sorry. I don't mean to interrupt this is your night princess squirt yeah so squirting so no please after you sir i don't want things to take too gross a turn because people could be having their dinner sure they

could be eating a pudding a melt in the middle ganache chocolate pud a sticky toffee pudding um but could you expand on that please okay so as it sounds like sometimes there can be a bit more power behind that orgasm like a super soaker i mean it depends which one do you mean a 2000 or 3000 because it's very different the one where the pump yeah the pump action one or a 3000 because it's very different the one with the pump yeah the pump action one I don't know

actually how common this is yeah I don't think it's that common to be honest is it more a porn thing well in porn people love it

don't they there is a thing in porn with it yeah but it isn't all over porn it's not like every woman squirts in porn

alright have you checked every video every single one multiple times he's done his research. Jamie's like, I didn't want to be caught out today, so I've been on Pornhub for 72 hours straight.

In a recent survey by me, I found 60% of women squirt. In a recent bedroom survey. But no, it isn't that common. But you know, I'm sure you'd think you've done a pretty good job if you could make someone squirt. Power to you if you yourself can do that. I mean, get in touch if you're a squirter.

My dad wrote a porn at dream, my dad. Actually, please don't send those emails. I can't have emails with the subject lines, I'm a squirter. Thank God you checked them, James. Yeah, exactly. So have we answered some of your questions? Do you feel a bit more enlightened now? I feel like I'm armed for future chapters

I won't have to ask these questions again thank you thank you no you're welcome but also feel free to keep asking the questions you can ask on the podcast you can ask

just like pull one over the side after the show oh is that okay not me one of us like Jamie anytime James

I'm here for you he knows the female body much better than me well I fear this is not the last time we're going to do this but let's not make it too regular, shall we? Part one, done.

Yeah, part one, for sure. Thanks, guys. Yeah, and before we go, last week we did ask you if anyone was musical to write a song to the Fuck Me Ken lyric slash line. People really did step up. Didn't they? We had so many, I was going to say entries. It wasn't a competition. And it wasn't penetration. No, we had so many, I was going to say entries. It wasn't a competition.

And it wasn't penetration. No, we had so many people get in touch and send us their interpretations. Yeah, and there was one that is a particular favourite. Gone down so well. Yeah, people love it. So we thought we'd play a little snippet on the podcast. Yes. This can be your reward, James, for a great day in school.

Oh, yeah. Unsurprisingly, it's called Fuck Me, Ken. Of course, me too. Why change the name? It's by Claire and she's playing on the ukulele and it's awesome. A beautiful instrument for a beautiful song. So to play us out, it's Claire with Fuck Me Can.

Fuck me can, just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. I've been a good girl all day. That twat of a TGWU union man just wouldn't release me, my orgasm's still building, I'm building, I'm building. First penetration of the day, Big Ken will take me all the way. I find your tactics so alluring. I hardly heard the camera whirring. Take me to your student flat. Suck me toes. Flip me back. My vaginal lips can gristle. I don't think you're a bit like Fritzl. Fuck me Ken, just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. I've been a good girl all day. that twat of a TGWU union man just wouldn't release me my orgasm still building I'm building I'm building holding on for

grim death I just want an F in F your massive girth is worth a viewing girls just dream of a proper doing come on and take me all the way I'll even share my Chardonnay Here's a bottle, hold my glass I'm Belinda, here's my ass Fuck me Ken, just fuck me I need you oh so badly I've been a good girl all day

That twat of a TGWU Union man just wouldn't release me My orgasm's still building and building and building We'll get the champagne cork to pop, my clothes are down the charity shop So bald naked we might be but I need you to penetrate me One big pump is all it takes, hard again for goodness sake I'll lay here on the table, you can hide the camera cable Fuck me Ken, just fuck me, I need it so, so badly

I've been a good girl all day That twat of a TGWU union man just wouldn't release me My orgasm's still building, I'm building, I'm building Come on, one more time! Still building, I'm building, I'm building Come on, one more time I need it so, so badly I've been a good girl all day That twat of a TGWU union man

Just wouldn't release me My orgasm's still building, I'm building, I'm building I'm building, I'm building, I'm building I'm building, I'm building, I'm building, I'm building, I'm building, I'm building, I'm building I'm snowballing here lads! Fuck me can, fuck me do it now