My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: We've Got Mail

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

The gang read through some of the emails from Belinda fans (aka Belinkers) with questions, concerns or weird stories about Book 2 so far... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi James and Alice, it's the Footnotes, how are you doing? Good, love a footnote me. Oh well I know you do. I just love anything that's an added extra to Rocky's work. I love anything that doesn't involve me reading my dad's pornography. Well then we're all happy. Hooray! So we thought today we would read some

of the emails that have been sent. Is this the equivalent off of TV shows in the 80s when they got the post bag out? Exactly. And it's quite full guys. I can't believe you printed them out. How Tony of you. Any faxes? A couple. Okay so I will start with

one that we got sent from Bucket of Truth. Bucket of Truth. That's what Belinda calls her Pikachu. It's from a C Cairns. Hi C Cairns. Hi C Cairns. Doesn't want to trust us with their first name, I see. Quite rightly.

It reads, Dear Jamie, James and Donna. That's good, that's funny. Yeah, I'm not so happy that the joke's at my expense. Yeah, go on. I just wanted to write a short message to say how much I enjoy your show. Both hilarious and informative. Debatable.

Neither. I have tried to incorporate Belinda's bewildering sexual techniques into my own love life. Whoa there. Uh-oh. Yeah. With mixed results. It's a mixed bag. I'm still unsure about the benefits

of constantly dousing myself in various alcoholic beverages, but Rocky's the expert. No, seek ends. Rocky is not the expert. Please don't think that he is. So this person's been using this as a manual. A literal sex manual.

The thing that we quite clearly say don't do. 100% use it as a business manual, but never use it as a sex manual. C. Cairns. What's the C for? Crazy. Craig Cairns is such a good name. I was wondering, since Mr Flintstone has so clearly reached the pinnacle of erotic storytelling, will he consider branching out into other genres in the future?

I'm thinking maybe along the lines of Belinda Slinked, a spy novel set in the murky world of Kitchen Ware. Or Belinda Linked, where she embarks on an archaeological dig to discover conclusive proof of human evolution from apes. You're clutching at straws there. Very specific storyline she's already got here. She's really limited herself by making every word be like blinked. It's not about shout though to kind of for Rocky to start looking at other genres. Do you think they'll always have to be sexy? I mean he can't help himself can he?

It just flows as it were. But how sexy could Belinda Succinct be? God's sake. Where our heroine takes to Twitter to start a new career as a social media guru. It's not going to be very visual, that, is it? Just Belinda at a computer for 12 chapters. Well, to be fair, has that ever bothered Rocky?

I think he'd just be happy enough with the wordplay and just get right in. Could you imagine him having to keep everything, 240 characters? Can you imagine him spelling succinct? He does love Twitter, though. He does. He loves being able to talk to his fans.

At his fans, James. At his fans. Very much talks at people. That's true. One-on-one. Literally one-on-one. It's not that I'm wishing for an end to Belinda's raunchy escapades and more

importantly business dealings, but let's face it, even the best of us has a limited amount of miles on the clock before the tread starts to wear. Whoa! Is Seacans already bored? Sorry Seacans! You don't have to download it. Oh jeez.

But please do keep downloading it. Oh yeah, seriously, we need the stats. And Belinda's got more miles on the clock than most. With that in mind, I'm holding out hope that the series will continue in another guise. Kind regards, C. Cairns. Well, we haven't spoken about it in a while, but Rocky has kind of got ideas about where Belinda could go, hasn't he?

Mm. Mm. I mean, it always seems to just be another country, so it's Belinda blinked in Saudi Arabia Saudi Arabia I heard a rumor recently about the Sahara desert oh yeah that was an email that you sent today did you read that I don't read them really but yeah how do you directly send something to spam I'm joking Rocky if you're listening I'll get back to you tomorrow but I feel like he just goes let's just do exactly

the same thing but just put it in a different location and you got a new book I mean it works for people like Dick Francis doesn't it it's always about horses absolutely when you found your niche

and also isn't it just the franchise model he's just like roll it out yeah that's true because like book one had the leather room book two's got the leather desk

yes but in another country he's totally just oh my god he's just like ripping it off. He's been taken for a ride. If I thought he was capable of it, I would say he's maybe just done the control F,

looked for room and changed it to desk. And then he's like, job done, book two. People will buy any old tat. And they will, James. They will. Seriously. Speaking of which,

we have a book coming out in October. It's on pre-order. That's not a joke, by the way. No, it really isn't. Okay, so that was a nice one. That was a lovely, that was a kind of lovely constructive one. Kind of worrying that she or he is using the book as a sexual aid, though.

So next up, we've got something from Lindsay, who got in touch. Sup, Lindsay. The subject heading is Another Rocky in Our Mids. Is this a pretender to the throne? But there must be other people out there doing, I'm not going to say the same thing because that would be ludicrous,

but there will be other people at his level, shall we say. We should look into that at some point. Maybe he could do classes. You know how they get elder statesmen of literature? Especially in America at really prestigious colleges. They have really well-known authors, don't they, that semesters clean up oh my god what doing lectures about his writing if we can get this book on the syllabus that's where he's going to make his money so lindsey says hi guys i mentioned this podcast to my mum the other week oh no lindsey and she

told me a story too good not to share. We'll be the judge of that, Lindsay. A few years ago, my neighbour's son came out as gay and his dad was less than pleased, to say the least. I hate to hear these things. Yeah. Apparently, in his mind, all this boy needed to save him from his life of sin was some good old-fashioned hot sexy straight porn because there's a great track record of that working seems logical he searched far and wide but no existing porn was up to the task if you want something done right you have to do it yourself what did he make like a porn film or something this man who is still lindsey's neighbor by the way and who she's seen a few times since hearing the story, wrote a series of erotic novels intended for his own son's consumption.

No. Yes. What, to try and turn him straight? There's so many layers of wrong there. Like, your dad wrote a porno, obviously, but he didn't intend it for your sexual consumption. Absolutely not. Did he even intend it for your sexual consumption absolutely not did he even intend it for sexual consumption some would ask but to write it specifically with your son in mind

also if it's anything like rocky's porn if there's anything that would turn you more gay i don't know what it would be for sure this has just confirmed everything for me um she goes on, Sadly, her mum's story was incomplete as they were so weirded out by hearing this that they never asked for a follow-up. And weirdly didn't move house. Yeah, I definitely want him out of my life. Lindsay's included the address. It's 16...

The world will never know how these novels are received by a son. They clearly weren't on a par with Belinda Blink, though, as his son remains gay to this day. Gay to this day. Gay as the day he was born. Of course he will. How do you give that to your son in a way? Because giving your son any form of porn, whether you've written it or not...

It's dodgy. Dodgy. So how, like, is there a chat about it? Do you leave it on his bed? Do you put it under his pillow? Like, what do you do? Like the tooth fairy. Yeah, what do you do? Like the tooth fairy. Yeah, what do you do?

Just leave it under the pillow. But then if you got a typed original manuscript of porn and you just found it in your bedroom, wouldn't you be like, what is going on? Well, I'm sorry for the dad that it didn't work out, but maybe he's learnt a lesson or two himself. I should think so. That is a crazy real story though, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, the people in this world I mean I feel so much better about my dad now yeah at least he wrote it to get his rocks off but now I'm thinking why did he write it

do you think I know why I just worked out why he wrote it why he's trying to make none of us have sex he's icked out

that his son and like son's friends are like at that age now now that we're grown ups at that age now you know like grown up we're 30

but like speak for yourself he wants to like you know keep us innocent that's what this is for yeah maybe

it's his equivalent of like a dad being really really intimidating to his daughter's girlfriend yeah exactly because honestly round this table

who's had sex since they've read it just saying just saying just saying people to his daughter's girlfriend. Yeah, exactly. Because honestly, around this table, who's had sex since they've read it? Just saying. Just saying. Just saying. People, just me. Well, me. Yeah, me too. I'm just joking.

Oh my God. So the next one is from Fran and she says, greetings from Vancouver. Oh, says, greetings from Vancouver. Oh, hi, Fran. Vancouver. Love an international listener. Yeah.

I love that. Absolutely. I recently moved to Vancouver, and I've been... Oh, so she's an English person who's moved to Vancouver. Oh, fuck off, Fran. Oh. And I've been using MDWAP as a way of screening people to see whether or not they will be someone I will get on with

I do that what if someone doesn't like the podcast do you I just defriend them that is a

strong and brave move you'll have me and James left so she plays the podcast people if they don't laugh or she got like sensors on them

as if it's an experiment you know a psychological experiment she's like we're watching how their serotonin levels change. How's she judging it? See which bits of them get warm.

Exactly. Well, she says, even if they don't listen to the podcast, their reaction to the title is a good enough gauge. Some people are genuinely repulsed even by the title. Exactly. Which concerns me that they then say, oh, I'm going to go listen to it. It's like, if you can't handle the title, this is not for you. Exactly. So maybe Fran's got something there. I'm sorry I said fuck off Fran and she just wants to

thank us for helping her um deal with her homesickness oh I feel terrible now yeah because she says listening to this has been nearly as good as being with my friends oh no I've really ruined this first initial meeting with Fran haven't I yeah you've really screwed It was just really disappointing because I thought we had an international listener, but that's not her fault. So Fran, thank you for your kind, kind words. She also wants us to do a little shout out to her friend Ben, who loves the podcast and has been spreading the good word in Vancouver too. Fuck off, Ben.

I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. Ben, thank you so much. And so, hey, Ben, thanks for listening. Hi, Ben. And Fran also says... when is fran gonna wrap this up how many p is she doing the pps pppps this is a ps fran's really getting on my tits now get on with it she says i saw elijah wood the other day and nearly said i loved you on my dad wrote a porno but i was with a non-listener who dragged me away as apparently that that's a weird thing to

say to someone oh no it's not and also loved that iflistener who dragged me away as apparently that's a weird thing to say to someone. No, it's not. He would have loved that. If that was Ben that dragged her away, I'd stand by my fuck off, Ben. It was a non-listener. It wasn't Ben. Okay, fine.

Love the use of non-listener. Like the world's divided into listeners and non-listeners. And also of all the things to go and compliment Elijah Wood on, I loved you on the footnotes of my dad wrote a poem. He must be like, great, thanks. Did you see me in Lord of the Rings? Kevin Cooper's been in touch. Another Cooper.

Yeah, James. My brother from another mother. Yes, Kevin. Do you have a Kevin in the family? I do now. Welcome, Kevin. He says, this story takes me way back to when I was around 12 years old. Oh God, this is going to be a long one.

It's not actually, it's mercifully short. Was he separated from James? Is this why he's taking himself back? He wants a DNA test. I found you. This is such a Jerry Springer moment. It takes him back to when he was 12. I stole an erotic novel from a local bookstore,

then read it to my friends in the boys' locker room after school, and we all giggled and sniggered. Though I recall it having lots of more filth and lots of less plot. Less plot than this. And more filth. This is pretty filthy. My mom. My mom.

American. American. Great detective work there. Well done. So pleasing themselves. Look at his face. I'm sorry. She thought it was to say that she loves an international listener.

Well, I do, but I just had the full salon with fran and i just think fickle i just think why waste my time do you know what i mean in a minute in a minute we'll say he's actually from like devon or whatever my mum eventually found the book and was not too pleased ah porn memories what a beautiful trip down memory lane for Kevin Cooper. Glad to help. We've all got porn memories. Has anyone ever been caught with porn? I mean, like in yesteryear. You know, like in those early adolescent years

when it seems to be that a page generally from the underwear section of like a lowbrow catalogue is passed around. It's not even that raunchy. I actually do have a porn story. I went to the i think it's the dentist oh no i was young i was like 10 11 years old and you know how there's always a pile of magazines on the table i'm not even drinking there was a porn magazine on the table was it

like playboy though james i was really freaked out full-on like really and i don't know how i got away with it but I just remember like Holy shit I was like going through the pages And that's when he knew he was gay I was like This is tremendous I've never seen anything like this in my life How am I getting away with this?

Your eyes are so wide right now James I've never seen you so excited I've never remembered this story before Yeah and no one noticed me Well maybe they did notice me Were you in the chair? No in the waiting room James if your eyes were looking like that, everyone noticed you. And also, what do you think was on the cover? But I can't believe it was in the waiting room in the first place. Well, usually they've got like 25-year-old Hello

magazines. The fact that they had something that was... But was it a really 70s one? Was it like... I was just looking for an edition of Good good housekeeping. Disappointed you were. And that's porn. So gross. So gross. Let's move on. And so finally, guys, we have Olivia and her musings. Dear porno team. So polite.

That's nice. Respect. It's a strong start. We're liking that. We prefer team porno. Around Christmas, I finally acknowledged that I was deeply depressed. My relationship and PhD course were being put in jeopardy and counselling just didn't seem to help. And then I listened to Belinda Blinked.

I can't imagine that's going to have any positive effect, I'll be honest. Life is now awesome. Oh, oh. I'm loving, in capital letters my phd again my relationship is stable and belinda has inspired me to fully accept my own bisexuality people take so much from belinda i have to say i think maybe olivia's finding this from within because there's none of this depth in the book but isn't that amazing she has confidence in herself once more without belinda i would still be in the closet and let's be honest that was a major part of the problem between me and my boyfriend wow

yeah i think it was partly how belinda never thinks twice about any of it doesn't even want yeah exactly how she just accepts herself fully and goes and has great sex and none of the other characters judge her neither do the men make presumptions because she likes girls as well. She is a go-getter. That is true. And she never defines her sexuality, does she? She's like, there's never a discussion about it. And also she's just attracted to who she's attracted to.

Be it a riding crop. And she's just like, don't label it. I just like people. Well, Olivia says it's really empowering and Belinda is a bit of an inspiration. I mean, careful, Olivia. I'm really glad Olivia feels better, but let's not go bandying around words like inspiration.

Is this the first thing Olivia's ever read, listened to? There are other ways to get empowered. But I bet Olivia's thinking, I really wish it was something else. I really wish I wasn't writing this left to you guys. I really wish I could say it was an incredible character in literary history, but unfortunately it's Belinda. She also says episode two was so much better than

episode one. So anyway, thanks so much for getting in touch. That's amazing, right? That is insane. Like, Rocky's touching people's lives. Rocky is changing people's lives. For the better. Yeah. Rocky and Belinda, what a dream team. I bet he never thought when he was in that pavilion that the effect he would have. He just never thought. He never thought, that's lives. For the better. Yeah. Rocky and Belinda, what a dream team. I bet he never thought when he was in that pavilion

that the effect he would have. He just never thought. He never thought, that's true. Well, I'm going to go rush home and tell him because that's a pretty amazing story. Yeah, and keep them coming.

The email is, of course, mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. If you've got a question, amazing story, something you want to discuss, we'd love to hear from you.