My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 1

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

In the first Christmas Special from 2016, it's the Office Christmas Party at Steele's Pots and Pans...(ORIGINALLY RELEASED IN DEC 2016) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Merry Christmas everybody and welcome to a very special episode of My Dad Wrote Porno. I'm Jamie, I'm here with James and Alice. Ho ho ho! Can you take those antlers off?

Yeah, sorry, they're really annoying. Yes. They've got bells on them. They do. That's the end of that. Merry Christmas guys. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

How's it going? It's nice to be back around the table with you both. Nothing feels festive like your father's erotic fantasies, so. Yeah, let's talk about it. Is this what Christmas Day is like then? You guys are sat around just discussing... It is now, yeah. Chatty clits.

All we talk about. It was the night before Christmas and Rocky opened his mind. Disgusting. I'm not really feeling very Christmassy. Oh, why? I don't know. I feel like, have you seen that Sainsbury's ad this year where he's like rushing around and there's a queue for the queue

and things like that? Oh, yeah. Another year older. Exactly. I haven't seen it. Well, as you know, I've just got a TV, so I'll have all of this to come. Are you guys feeling Christmassy?

Yeah. I am like all in at Christmas. Like we put up our tree, the whole works. I'm listening to Christmas music all the time. Yeah. Stuff like Sinatra sounds really good this time of year, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly.

I'm going to a nativity in a couple of weeks are you i haven't been to a nativity in years me neither and i thought that's because i did a panto last year and hated it because i'm trying to like relive my youth a bit so i thought this year let's go to a nativity it does make you really nostalgic doesn't it actually yeah oh i know who are you guys in the nativity? Come on. Oh. I was Jesus once as a baby. How old were you? A baby. Oh, right. Okay. I was seven years old.

I was clinging to that lead role. No, yeah. I was as a real baby. I played Jesus. What were you, James? I was Joseph. Of course he was. So smug being Joseph.

So gay. Well, you know, immaculate conception exactly yeah well exactly it all makes sense now and also his hair was always absolutely perfect on fleek his hair was on fleek honestly and it was really hot and where was it nazareth nazareth oh man um yeah i played joseph and i remember my line she tells me that she's pregnant and obviously i'm surprised because i'm gay not possible so wait in your version were you just like a great gal pal to mary yeah yeah we'd like go on a gay night out and so she tells me she's pregnant then i have to obviously have to react and be surprised and I just, I like literally stepped back and leaned back and went

that's great Mary but we have to go to Bethlehem and the teacher was like James it's a little bit hammy, it's a little bit too much so I kept trying to tone it down but I couldn't I mean it's the performer in me, I couldn't help it I'm just imagining you, that gasp would have been like

oh no she didn't you did what you did what girl gas queen obviously Joseph wasn't gay we're totally joking yeah obviously but like Metro

he was the David Walliams of the Bible yeah he must have got it all the time where he was like no guys I know but I'm not I'm just not I just wear dresses in my free time it was a shepherd's robe, honestly.

Just a really jazzy print. It's my carpenter's overalls, you guys. It needed a cinching belt. It was too big. They were all at it. The Wise Men had pinafores. They did, didn't they? Angel Gabriel.

Oh, yeah, a lot of glitter. Head to foot. Oh, yeah, it was a lovely maxi dress, wasn't it, for Angel Gabriel? It's quite a camp story, isn't it, in general? What did you play, Al? Well, we sometimes had alternative nativities. Oh God, of course you did. So I remember my brother was a Norwegian fisherman.

I was going to say, do you like in Love Actually when there's a lobster? Probably, yeah. All of the crustaceans from the Under the Sea Orchestra were there. I was, oh, this won't surprise you. Hang on, can we guess? Okay. If she was a butcher in Oliver, she was probably like, were you like a sheep? orchestra were there um i was oh this won't surprise you hang on can we guess okay if she was a butcher in oliver she's probably like were you like a sheep a bull um some wretched animal just being dragged out of the manger to make room for the baby all right a plump sheep ready for the

slaughter i bet she was a freaking innkeeper who had no room you so were do you know what my friend at work she was she was a freaking innkeeper who had no room. You so were. Do you know what? My friend at work, she was the PA to the innkeeper. That's not in the story. Assistant to the innkeeper. Literally like, I've checked and there's no room, my darling. She's on like bookings.com. Not even a twin. Computer says no.

What about a shared bathroom? But they said no. They just weren't happy. I was narrator. Oh, of course you were. Thing is, she wouldn't have even had to learn lines. I bet she just held the book in her hands and just had to read it. Clipboard.

Clipboard! I love a clipboard. James, stop spoiling Christmas Day. Do you remember on Saturday morning children's TV shows, they used to like just do it all with clipboards oh my god they did didn't they so i used to like walk around sometimes in my house with a clipboard it doesn't surprise me okay um are we here for a reason we're here because there is a christmas chapter of belinda blink believe it or not i can't believe

that there is like a gift from on high yeah because dad just was writing stuff so randomly and was getting inspired by different times of the year probably the seasons inspired what a strong word and he sends me so much shit that i just can't get through it all but i did spy this about a year or so ago i love how much stuff he sends you he also now sends me and james a lot of stuff that email the other day brilliant it was just a string of like expletives and I wasn't really sure why I think it was aimed at you whatever it was it was definitely your fault but no yeah so he wrote this Christmas episode god knows when I'm assuming that it's kind of part of the story in some way but maybe it's something that he actually edited out of the book himself that concerns me if this hasn't made the cut because we've heard what has made the cut although think about the timeline because we've only actually known belinda for a month and it

could be like midsummer so it's just not oh that's true yeah we just haven't got to christmas yet it's going to be book freaking 12 before we get to christmas so in theory this is something that rocky has discarded because he doesn't feel like the quality is high enough potentially which makes me really excited to read it. It has got to be gold for that reason alone. Oh my gosh. What's it called? It is called...

Steals, Pots and Pans, Xmas Party. Oh my... Semi-colon. Couldn't even write Christmas. Someone's going to photocopy their arse, aren't they? Oh, for sure. Oh, God. I mean, I would be pleased with arse.

It would be something so much worse. Linda's going to be lying face down on the photocopier. Are we ready? I don't know. This could make or break Christmas, really. Well, it's going to make mine. I think I'll start feeling Christmasy after this, after hearing about Jim's baubles or something.

Not technically a Steeles Pots and Pans employee but I like it. So the Steeles Christmas party. What do you think the dress code is? Oh, naked. Clothes optional. Dress code, the pits. Come as you are. Okay.

Belinda Blinked. The Steeles Pots and Pans Xmas party. It was sleeting outside and the temperatures were dropping. Temperatures? Because it was boiling hot and then once the sleet started, the temperature plummeted. But which temperatures? The inside and out temperatures? Belinda shivered in her business class Mercedes, dressed only in her posh horse riding gear.

Oh, finally! Oh my God, she's bought that £5,000 worth of kit for the Christmas party. At least she's wearing it. Finally getting use. It doesn't say party though, does it? I feel like you want like a sequined dress or something, not like full Jodhpur look. It's an odd look.

I love how in the chapter title he's put X-mas. Don't you just put it in a text? Like when you're actually writing a novel, you don't abbreviate Christmas to X-mas. He doesn't have time. He's a busy man. Xmas. With only two days left before her lazy 10-day holiday in Brazil.

Lazy. Lazy P Ranch all over again. Brazil. She can get some work done. I went to Brazil for New Year once. She's going to have a great time. You just watched loads of DVDs. Yeah, didn't it rain non-stop?

It did. We were flooded on an island for eight days and the power went off. And didn't you get diarrhoea? Yes, thank you. It's really romantic. It sounds like the worst holiday ever, actually. Now I remember you retelling it. No, but on New Year's Eve, Copacabana Beach, fireworks in the sea.

Oh, wow, that's cool. It was fabulous. Two million people. With only two days left before her lazy ten day holiday in Brazil she thought longingly of all that sun sea

sand and sex. I knew it. She's not going to go on holiday and not shower, is she? It's a prime opportunity. It's like when people go on holiday

and go straight on Tinder because they're like a new pool of people. Plus Brazilians. Jesus. Are they all real nice really hot if you go to the beach every day you have to look good they all wear thongs yeah they do on the beach they wear those like high cut yeah yeah and there's different parts of the beach for

different categories of people so it's almost like a pick and mix is there yeah there's like a gay bit of the beach there's i think there's like a family bit oh Oh, cool. What if you're a gay family? Yeah. Then you can straddle both. Don't say straddle. The beach is your oyster. So wait, if you're a pale introvert that enjoys staying in rather than going out, where do you go? The sea. I actually found a used needle on Ipanema Beach.

That's part of my... That was the drug section. Yeah. What a dark turn yeah it was weird didn't you get chased by a dog in the sea in Brazil I did yeah sounds awful a demon dog it honestly had it in for me I had to be saved by a by a local school boy who jumped in the sea and wrestled the dog to the bottom it was honestly horrible yeah honestly apparently the dog was just playing and wanted to like have fun with me but i was like no no no and i was like trying to i was a great picture of him like trying to kick it away like it followed me in the sea and it was like swimming towards me and i was like oh and it was huge this dog and i was

like really scared and so i was like swimming backwards and like splashing it i could like feel it's like it's claws like starting to scratch my body probably just being nice and i was like screaming and like trying to go back it was horrible then this little local boy ran in the sea and like grabbed it and like kind of wrestled it under the water and i was out of there i went straight to like never heard about this? So this is a near-death experience? Yeah. Wait, were you in the dog section?

Because as James said, if you will stray out of your zone. I didn't know about the rules, sorry. So Belinda's going to have a great time. It's not going to be sun, sea, sex and... What was it? Sun, sea, sand and sex. More like dogs. Hypodermic needles.

Diarrhoea. More like dogs. Hypodermic needles. Diarrhoea. And DVDs. Enjoy, Belinda. We're going to get an email from the Brazilian Tourist Board like, please never speak about our country again. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Des Martin and Patrick O'Hamlin, two of her regional sales managers, running across the car park.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Away from the building, probably. What's happened? Oh, God. Des momentarily slipped, lost his footing, and tumbled into a large puddle of dirty, icy water. Oh, they're just running from the sleet.

They're just trying to get inside. Oh, sure. He slowly got up, shook himself like a. They're just trying to get inside. Ah, sure. He slowly got up, shook himself like a dog, and limped to the entrance. He was just wanting to play. Belinda shook her head in disbelief. Somehow Des always managed to end up in a pickle. Stop pickle!

And also, Des is one of the saddest characters in literature. Really quiet. There's a lot of pathos with Des. Hang on, is she comparing Des tripping in a puddle to him divorcing his wife? Always a pickle. He wrote off that bloody car. Always a pickle. Oh, yes.

That's the car as well. Fucking Des Martin. Belinda shouted, Come on, Des. Let's get those wet clothes off you what a state belinda pulled him into the nearby stationary cupboard and stripped him where are they oh god it's awful already how big is that stationary cupboard don't call it a stationary cupboard which is in her business class mercedes whatever that is i didn't even pick up on it a business class mercedes yeah so i think she's now in the

building yeah belinda pulled him into the nearby stationary cupboard and stripped him des started to shiver as he held his frozen cock in his hand oh is it like a block of ice it's the only time it'll be hard. Des is such a wet willy. Literally. Des. Oh, Des. Don't let little Jimmy shrivel away.

Little Jimmy? Why has she called it Jimmy? Little Jimmy. Do you think it's a tribute to Jim Sterling? I mean, what a tribute. It's frozen. That means it's probably like shriveled up back in... Well, I suppose it is fitting then, isn't it? Yeah, it's shriveled

up back inside. Belinda's mind raced back to her experience with the yank, Jim Sterling. But she also knew Des did not have Jim's money for a major revamp. Belinda had to do something. And quick. What? To the peen? Is she going to do that thing where you breathe

on your hands to heat them up? Or will she just go like... go like oh yeah maybe and just breathe on it and thaw it out lovely condensation cock nice she put her warm hands over the frozen stub what is no it's not frozen it's just chilly yeah des groaned, feeling the fresh warmth invading his private member. Private member's club. God. It wasn't every Christmas your boss gave you a Christmassy massage in the place where it really mattered. Stationery cupboard. How is it a Christmassy massage?

Is she like... She did it with some like cranberry sauce while she's doing it. Oh. She did it with some like cranberry sauce While she's doing it It wasn't every Christmas your boss gave you A Christmassy massage in the place where it really mattered It should never be a Christmas Where your boss wanks you off in a stationery company

Not appropriate She's not wanking him off She's just warming up his penis You'll have to warm someone's penis, surely Your honour I was just warming his penis. Within seconds, the now docile Des Martin. Docile?

Poor Des. Docile? He's not a fucking drug tiger in Thailand. Why has that lulled him into like a sedated state? Surely it should have the opposite effect. Yeah, he should be very alert. Within seconds, the now docile Des Martin started to fondle Belinda's tightly jodpered ass. Tightly

jodpered. Not a phrase. Belinda pulled off her black cravat and delicately wrapped it around Des's penis. That's the best I can do for now, Des. I'll be back in a minute. Oh, so he doesn't even get the pleasure. Leave that on there for a few minutes. I'll be back soon.

What, is she going to leave him in the cupboard with the cravat around his dick? Yeah, it's like the school nerds, isn't it? Just stay there. Hold it above your head. I'll be back in a minute. Belinda went down to the janitor's cupboard and grabbed...

Why are there so many cupboards? Belinda went down to the janitor's cupboard... Go to the party! We're not even at the fucking party! We're not even out of the fucking car park by the sounds of it. She's not even out of a Mercedes yet. There's Warren of cupboards. Belinda went down to the janitor's cupboard.

Janitor as well? Do you mean caretaker? Rocky's done it again. Like, you could literally end the chapter here. Just being in a series of cupboards. Belinda went down to the janitor's cupboard and grabbed a set of dark blue work overalls. What?

They weren't in the best of condition and a tad grimy, but Des couldn't turn up at the party naked. Well, not from the start, anyway. Wait a sec, surely he wasn't naked to begin with? But I guess all of his clothes are wet. How big was the puddle? Is it like that one in the Vicar of Dublin where she steps in and she just plummets?

Is it the one that goes right up to his middle in the nursery rhyme? Yeah. Dr Gloucester. Dr Foster. He went to Gloucester. Dr. Foster. He went to Gloucester. That was it, yeah. Belinda strode across reception to Des's cupboard. Oh, for God's sake.

And now it's called Des's cupboard. It's where he lives now. It's where his wife threw him out to live. Oh, don't. He probably does. So is Des's cupboard different from the stationery cupboard? No, I think that is now the stationery cupboard. It's what people know as colloquially. Belinda strode across So is Des's cupboard different from the stationery cupboard? No, I think that is now the stationery cupboard. It's what people know as colloquially.

Belinda strode across reception to Des's cupboard and threw them inside. See you in my office in five, Des. I'll have a nice warm mulled wine waiting for you. Why is she going to mulled wine? Probably in the mulled wine cupboard, I don't know. The hob cupboard. Des gulped and said, I'm feeling much better already, boss, but perhaps a little bit of mouth resuscitation would do me the power of good. The hob covers. Des gulped and said,

I'm feeling much better already, boss, but perhaps a little bit of mouth resuscitation would do me the power of good. Good try. Belinda laughed and thought, no, Des Martin. I like my ice cubes in my drink, not my throat. Burn.

Belinda slammed the door shut and followed Patrick O'Hamill up the stairs. This is the first time Belinda's turned down a blowjob or any sexual advance. Yeah. Also, why did he say it in that horrible, convoluted manner? Really roundabout way. Yeah, exactly. Just say, suck me off, boss. Yeah.

Don't say boss. There's no need for boss. Boss. The formality is really redundant. Suck me off, governor. All right for boss. Boss. My formality is really redundant. Suck me off, governor. All right, boss. Belinda slammed the door shut and followed Patrick O'Hamlin up the stairs.

Good, she thought. At least those two weren't late. But God knows where the other two were. It was only the Xmas party, but it was still... Xmas! Capital X. It was only the Xmas party,

but it was still important for the sales team to make an appearance. Of course, but you don't really keep check on when people are turning up to the Christmas party. It's quite like free and easy, surely. Maybe they're stuck at Heathrow again. Oh, maybe. Can't get a taxi. It's a bloody pain. It was only the Xmas party, but it was still important for the sales team to make an appearance.

They were the extroverts, but that's why they were in sales. What? Another bit of rocky wisdom there of business and leadership. Belinda thought of Bella and Giselle and hoped they hadn't chickened out of what she'd asked them to wear, making the party that little bit more exotic.

Well, she's gone for the equestrian look. Yeah. Obviously, Bella could do also because she bought the full £1,000 look, the cut price Belinda was paying. Won't look as good as Belinda also because she bought the full £1000 look. The cut price, Belinda won't look as good as Belinda though because obviously a budget version. The fabrics won't be as nice. The cut won't be

as... The mole hair. The mole hair. At least Giselle can wear a Santa hat to cover a bald head. She's got like a cool angular cut now, doesn't she? Very modern I think. She's got a little gamine crop. Yeah. It's like Mia Farrow very modern very modern it's a good reference for the kids yeah what are they gonna rock up in yeah what do you reckon i'm gonna

say hawaiian skirts i bet one of them's gonna have to wear a like a sexy santa outfit or something no imagination exactly but what does exotic mean because i feel like belinda doesn't even think sexy is exotic yeah well that's what I thought maybe like a grass skirt and like a wreath of flowers that's a very literal

interpretation coconut bra yeah that's kind of sexy sure up in her office Belinda sat back in her black

leather swivel chair with its delightful chrome rollers drink why does she give a shit about the rollers you're alright over there Chrome rollers

Delightful Chrome rollers That's stupid Lifted her long Black riding boots Onto the desk And waited for the guys To join her

Where's the party at Yeah what Which cupboard's that in B5 Is there not a room Where Like a large room Where they're having the party at yeah what which cup is that in b5 is there not a room where like a large room where they're having the party well james it's funny you say that because the party was due to start at five so she had time for a bit of business talk before the entertainment started 5 p.m party does it finish at like seven or 2 a.m and everyone's completely back i was gonna say office parties generally start in the middle of the afternoon don't they the party was due to start at five so she had time for a

bit of business talk before the entertainment started it would be up to the regional sales managers to start the proceedings as in her mind they were the most experienced at debauchery it's 5 p.m yeah exactly she She couldn't see Jim Thompson, or heaven forbid, Bill, setting the pace, though hopefully they'd get involved as the alcohol took over. Is that the only other mention of Bill? And Jim Thompson. Oh yeah, Jim Thompson

is the really forgotten character. He literally had entirely forgotten who Jim Thompson was. Wasn't that the name of the penis? Yeah, wasn't the penis called Jim Thompson? Jim Thompson's the Mr. Fix-It of the organisation? Yeah, wasn't the penis called Jim Thompson? Jim Thompson's the Mr Fix-It of the organisation. Oh, you're right. Check out my knowledge. Yeah, you're just Rocky in another body.

But what's he fixed? He's never around when something goes wrong. Is he the janitor? Oh my God, maybe. Is that his cupboard? Those greasy overalls. Ken Dewsbury stuck his head around the door. Evening, boss.

Here's your Christmas card. Oh, Ken, you sap. Who does Christmas cards anymore? I just suck up as well, given the boss's Christmas card. Oh, gross. Ken shoved a grubby white envelope onto Belinda's desk. And hung up his parka. Parka.

Because northern. It's golden north. What's northern? Oasis his parka. Parka. Because northern. It's golden north. What's northern? Oasis and parkas. Okay, great. He sat down heavily on a nearby chair and Belinda thought, he looks as knackered as I feel. She's so catty.

Knackered? Were you ever not allowed to say knackered when you were a kid? Yeah, my mum used to say that we couldn't. Knackered. Were you ever not allowed to say knackered when you were a kid? Yeah, my mum used to say that we couldn't say knackered. Because it means like sexually exhausted. It's quite rude. Is it? Oh, is that what it means?

Yeah. I just thought it meant tired. Yeah, it used to be kind of a swear word. What? And I never knew why, but that would make sense. Yeah. What, it means shagged out? Yeah, I'd be like, oh mum, I'm knackered. And she'd be like, don't use that word.

You're like, no, mum, I really am knackered. They're really like all night long. Honestly, I am shagged. Oh, man. Thanks, Ken. That's very nice of you. Belinda replied whilst gently sliding the small envelope into a side drawer. She ain't opening that.

She didn't even fucking open it. Doesn't give a shit she's like lovely put it with the others just shreds it I think she wasn't even looking at it

she was just like slid it into the drawer the drawer was already open waiting to receive it such a kind gesture literally directly out the window just

thanks Ken that's very nice of you least I could do what with all that lovely bonus money starting to roll in my best Christmas ever glad to hear it Ken Ken laughed why?

as the sound of Irish and West Country voices invaded the office well one of each invaded as well they were invited Irish and West Country voices invaded the office. Well, one of each. Invaded as well. They were invited. In walked the other two regional sales managers, Patrick O'Hamlin and Dave Wilcox. Nice to see you guys.

Merry Christmas. I'm over the moon. It suddenly felt like X-mas. Stop. Would you stop? It's beginning to look a lot like X-mas. Stop. Would you stop? It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas. Really? Her surrounded by a fucking regional sales manager makes her feel Christmassy.

We're dreaming of a white Xmas. It suddenly felt like Xmas. And Belinda got up And started to microwave The mulled wine What a fucking depressing sight Why did she go back to the office? Oh, God. There's not enough oxygen getting to my brain.

Or Rocky's. Oh, my God. Okay, that is my favourite line, I think, in any of the Belinda Blink books. It suddenly felt like X-mas, and Belinda got up and started to microwave the mulled red wine. Oh, my God. Oh, gosh. And, I mean, I couldn't even get the words out,

but why is there a microwave in her office? Oh, God. So she can scramble the egg, like, between meetings. A really quick jacket potato. That is cracking. Oh, my God, that has made my X-mas.

Oh, God, I can't breathe. Also, mulled red wine, because clearly Rocky's been caught out by mulling the chardonnay.

It doesn't taste right, Wilmer. He did once try to experiment and just boiled a whole bottle of Strongbow one year. Mold cider. Don't think that's very good. God, that must be like hot piss. Horrible. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell.

But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the I'm too small for this mindset hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online

in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. Des Martin shuffled into much applause, cat whistles whistles and deprecation of his new attire. So what's he in overalls? Belinda shoved the first mug of mulled wine into his pale white hands. That'll be burning hot if it's out of the microwave. Oh my god, yeah, it'll have cooked the cup. Des took a gulp of the Christmassy-smelling liquid. It tasted divine.

And he reluctantly relaxed into the Christmas spirit. Belinda knocked back her second mug of mulled wine whilst Des and Ken gently massaged a butterkeach. Of each other or of Belinda? Who knows? Also, is she microwaving by the cup? Because that's going to take ages. Cheers, chaps.

Well done for an eventful year, she said. Yeah, she's only been there four weeks. No, remember, the time frame is all like... Yeah, this could have been anywhere. Oh, right. Yeah, you're right. This is the ghost of Christmas. Who fucking knows?

Cheers, chaps. Well done on an eventful year, she said, as she raised her third mug in homage to the sales team. In seconds, but she don you she's had a second. She's coughing it down. How long have they been in that room? My God. That was a cup in three words.

Cheers, chaps. Well done for an eventful year, she said, as she raised her third mug in homage to her sales team. Quietly hoping the other two boys would soon get into the festive spirit and start rubbing her tits. So she's got one guy on each cheek. Yeah. And the festive spirit is to have, I guess, two guys on the tits as well. Yeah. Just then, Bella and Giselle walked in.

Here we go. Starting with outers, Belinda, said Giselle. Surely not. Just priming the pump, Giselle. What does that mean have a drink and make yourselves comfortable

ding wine's ready yeah nothing says like relaxing Christmas party like hmm yeah do you think she cooks

a turkey in the microwave as well she like stuffs it in. Bella and Giselle dressed in their immaculate horse riding outfits. So they're all in riding gear. Yeah, so that must be their exotic outfit then. Where's Giselle got hers from? Oh, maybe she went to forces on her own.

Even more cut price than Bella's potentially. There'll be a sale on at Christmas. Oh yeah. Of course, yeah. They've missed Black Friday. Bella and Giselle, dressed in their immaculate horse riding outfits, laughed and helped themselves to bumper

mugs of mulled wine. Do you think she's got those big Sports Direct mugs? Every office has one. She's got a shelf full of them. Fucking huge! They're so unwieldy, aren't they? Two thirsty girls, thought Belinda, and she

smiled. Somehow, their presence always made the job so much more fun. Besides, they too both looked stunning. Oh, good. Well, that's nice. The office was now filling up nicely, and it would soon be time for the party to really start. Belinda

reached for the phone and rang Jim Thompson down in admin. Hi Jim, Belinda, have they arrived yet? Who? Yeah, I've just spotted the taxi entering the car park. I'll go down to reception and get them up to you pronto. Superwork, Jim, said Belinda, now feeling relieved. That at least was the surprise guests taking care of. Ooh!

Celebrity cameo! Is it the Crankies? Oh, God, no, that was during the football game in Texas. At the World Tour. Yeah, they're doing stadiums. More drinks, everyone! One at a time. She passed around the mulled wine,

which Dave Wilcox fielded expertly. He topped everybody up, paying particular attention to Giselle and Bella, who were now getting a little tipsy. They probably came half-cut, didn't they? Yeah, pre-drinkers then. Just then, Jim Thompson arrived with the new arrivals in turn. I'm so excited. Who is it?

Oh, is it some crappy Santa? Oh, Belinda's not going to shag Father Christmas, is she? Oh God, no. Ruined Xmas for everyone. Belinda, Bella and Giselle cheered with delight. Yeah! As Peter and Christina Rouse pushed their way into the office and started to mingle. That's the special guest, Peter freaking Rouse. I mean, I'm excited, but they shouldn't be.

No. Well, he's a big client for them now. But why is Bella and Giselle like cheering and hollering? Oh yeah, have they ever even met him? I don't think they've ever met him. They must have heard so much about him. Maybe it's just for like fresh meat. They're just like, yes, new blood.

Yes, a man with his wife, great fresh meat. So you think this predates the tombola? Maybe. I mean, who knows? I'm so confused. I mean, I'm kind of more confused than usual, if that's possible. Because we don't even know where it's meant to fit

in the narrative. Don't say narrative. I have a question. james what fucking time does the party start jesus peter kissed belinda and rubbed her ass fondly in front of his wife yeah i always felt like they were easy breezy yeah they have a very like cool dynamic in turn she deeply kissed his large Adam's apple. Oh, gross. What, she like went under his head? Almost like took the whole apple in her mouth. She was bobbing for the Adam's apple. Christina manoeuvred her way to the microwave. No, I've heard a lot about this microwave.

Where was it? Christina manoeuvred her way to the microwave... What watchage have we got that on? What model is it? Christina manoeuvred her way to the microwave and made a fresh batch of mulled wine. Peter, it does meat and fish. We should get one of these.

She turned to say hello to Belinda, but unfortunately bumped into Ken Dewsbury. Unfortunately for everyone. Everyone's dodging Ken. Steady on, said Ken. Mind the pints, mind the pints. What does that even mean? There aren't any pints.

It's all mine. Also, oh God. Well, it is a pint if it's in that Sports Direct mug He measures everything in pints because he's from the north Mind the pints It's a shot, Ken Mind the pints, mind the pints Mind the pints

Mind the pints, mind the pints Mind the gap Everyone laughed Mind the pints. Mind the pints. Mind the gap. Everyone laughed and jostled each other as Christina refilled Belinda's mug. Jostled? Why did they jostle each other? It's chaos in there. How many people are in that room?

It's in her little office, isn't it? Yeah. So where's the main party? Fuck knows. Steady on, said Ken. Mind the pints. Mind the pints. Everyone laughed and jostled each other as Christina refilled Belinda's mug and gave her ass a little pat.

So kind of you to invite us, Belinda. Peter is so looking forward to it. He's been overworking recently, I'm afraid. Christina smiled and winked. He's looking forward. He's there. I'm really looking forward to the trip. I'm currently on. He's looking for... He's there. I'm really looking forward to the trip I'm currently on. Belinda wondered who the new lucky girl was and reached across and snogged Christina

fully on the mouth as compensation. As compensation! Has your husband got a new lucky girl on the side? Then you could be entitled to compensation. Give us a kiss. Christina reacted instinctively by feeling Belinda's vagina with her free hand

with her free hand well one's got a mug in it clearly one's got a pint of wine one's got a massive pint in a sports direct mug later Christina later

breathed now slightly drunk Belinda yeah she's had three pints of mulled wine of course she's been but also not later like her hand is on her

vagina. So it's actually happening right now. It's pretty much there. She's so looking forward to it. I'm so looking forward to your hand on my vagina. Christina undid the top three mother of pearl buttons of Belinda's blouse. And knocked back a mulled wine. Fucking hell, there's so much mulled wine

flying around. It's so, I find it quite acrid. How are they knocking it back? Oh, I think it is quite Moorish. I actually requested some, but Alice failed to. I said, if you bought it, I'd microwave it.

I actually don't have a microwave, that's why I never have mulled wine. When does the party start? Oh wait, is this still preamble? We're still playing how many people can fit in Belinda's office. Is this the business talk of which she spoke? Belinda was going to enjoy this party. Stop looking forward to things that are happening.

Belinda was going to enjoy this party in the only way she knew. And the quiet stationery cupboard was going to be her best asset so the stationery cupboard is like an important character chapter it's like London and Dickensian literature exactly the sound of disco music reverberated

through the Steel's Pots and Pans building it's going to be such a shit disco it's going to be all those crap songs that they play at a crap wedding. The ones where girls are supposed to put their handbags in the middle and go crazy. ABBA, like fucking Dancing Queen and shit. YMCA. Oh, God. Macarena.

Sister Sledge. Saturday Night. Saturday Night. Saturday Night. With a turban towel on her head. Where is she now? Is it Wickfield? Yeah. And the men will have their ties on her head. Where is she now? Is it Wigfield? Yeah.

And the men will have their ties around their head. Oh God, yeah. Oh God, it's going to be crap. It's going to be so basic. The sound of disco music reverberated through the Steeles Pots and Pans building. The Xmas party had officially started. Thank the fuck for that. 5pm sharp.

The boardroom, which adjoined the fuck for that. 5pm sharp. The boardroom, which adjoined the canteen area... Where are the blueprints? ...had been converted to the party venue and was starting to fill up with jiving bodies. Jiving? What year is it? So the party's in the boardroom. And the canteen area. Oh, God.

It was time, Belinda thought, and nodded to Jim. Jim Thompson opened the kitchen doors and out stalked the Hunts Girls. Huh? Who? Hunts Girls. The famous Hunts Girls. The regional sales managers cheered with delight as the four beauties pushed their way onto the dance floor. Would everybody stop pushing and shoving?

Have some manners. Cajoling. Have they been hired or are they invited? I think they've been hired. Yeah, they're about to do an act. The Hunts Girls. Oh, the Hunts Girls. Oh, the Hunts Girls.

Sorry, sorry. The regional sales managers cheered with delight as the four beauties pushed their way onto the dance floor and started to mingle by pushing their ample bosoms everywhere and anywhere. Stop pushing. I will not tell you again. Everywhere and anywhere. Everywhere and anywhere. One of the Hunt's girls called Doris slapped Doris Hunt. How old are they?

Doris Hunt. One of the Hunt's girls, called Doris... Using girl loosely, yeah. ...wheeled her way to the stage. One of the hunt's girls, called Doris, slapped Des Martin lightly on the cheek. Oh, God. He laughed and apologised and asked...

What? Sorry. ...for getting in her way. Maybe he was disrespecting his elders He laughed and apologised And asked another hunts girl what her name was Oh god Such a bag load of hunts girls

Don't be so nosy Where are they from? I've decided they're going to be Scottish I don't even care Don't be so nosy That's the first question you ask someone when you meet them Their first name Nosy nosy None of's the first question you ask someone when you meet them, their first name. Nosy, nosy.

None of your god damn business. The Hunts girls are insane. Hello, what's your name? Oh dear, how are you? Oh lady, never tell. Don't be so nosy. But seeing it's you sexy,

I'm called Joan. Joan! Joan Hunt. Joan and Doris Hunt. Oh, my God. It's a wonder they're still alive. They're 107. They're older than Cedric.

They're doing songs from the First World War. Does anyone know this one? There's Glenn Miller on a loop. He's my candy bar Come on guys Do the Charleston Don't be so nosy But seeing as it's you sexy

I'm called Joan Oh god Des made a mental note He'd google her in the morning What Joan? J-O-A-N Enter There she is Five bazillion results What, Joan? J-O-A-N. Enter. There she is.

You have five bazillion results. Belinda, Bella and Giselle moved to the centre of the floor and the Hunts girls followed. What on earth is going on? Who are the Hunts girls? They all started to slowly strip. That, after all, was what they were good at. Sorry, all of the above.

The Hunt's Girls and Bella, Giselle and Belinda. Do we think the Hunt's Girls are octogenarian strippers? Yeah. Really cheap for this time of year. They used to be.

In their heyday, they were the go-to. The regional sales managers winked at each other and positioned themselves acting as clothes horses. What, catching the falling garments, right? Yeah, I was very confused.

Catching the old lady knickers. Vests. Vests. The seven girls, working in unison, took off their magnificent red jackets and then their black cravats. Why is everyone wearing riding gear? Well, they're the Hunts girls, so that would make sense.

Oh, from the Hunt. Right. So Belinda Giselle and Bella are dressed like the Hunt's girls. So they can do one big strip routine. Yeah. Got you. Got you. And the Hunt's girls were at the very first Hunt in 1862.

The seven girls, working in unison, took off their magnificent red jackets and then their black cravats. The RSMs whistled as the tight white blouses revealed a series of magnificent tits with super cleavages. A series of them. What a great series of tit.

In a coordinated dance movement, the blouses were dispensed with, leaving straining brassieres boinging. Boinging? Eyes goggled around the dance floor. There's loads of female, I imagine straight female members of staff there, who are like, what's in this for me? No, everyone that steals pots and pans is a bit of an all-rounder, shall we say. Likes a bit of everything.

The hunts girls now unfastened their clasps, holding the bras in place. This they did, and the seven tits were exposed. Seven? Seven tits? Why is there an odd number? Well, there were seven women. Seven tits. Seven pairs.

Seven pairs of tits. Seven tits for seven women. This they did. What's happened to the way he's speaking? This they did. And the seven tits were exposed to the delight of the crowd. Bella nodded to Giselle over the theme tune from Diamonds Are Forever. And shouted,

The boys are dribbling big time. Belinda's a genius. Diamonds are forever. But it's not a clever plan to be like, Oh, us getting naked made men dribble. Duh. Yeah. Great plan, Belinda.

The huntsgirl's breasts were now gyrating freely and the crowd cheered and chanted, Take em off! Take em off! Classic striptease music filled the air and the lighting dimmed, enhancing the mystery of what was about to happen. So it's full-on lighting and stage spectacular.

With only jodhpurs, thongs and long black riding boots left, the excitement was at fever pitch. Fever pitch. The huntsgirls stroked their nipples, massaged their thighs and then started to remove each other's long black boots. That's not going to be sexy. There'll be loads of people on chairs. With shoe horns. It'll be loads of people on chairs yanking boots off. With shoe horns.

It'll take about 15 minutes. Taking a welly boot off and I imagine it's the same with a riding boot is a nightmare. Seriously, Joan will be like play the track again. Doris.

Now totally naked they were no longer able to hide their seductive vaginas and slowly exited the room. Oh. What? This is so stupid so the height of the striptease was them getting their big boots off and the minute they get naked they just leave brilliant they suddenly like get that find their modesty again they're like oh my i shan't tell you my name but his

seductive vagina so with with just a flash over vag, that's all they got? Well that's all, yeah, it's more of like a striptease, kind of. You get a flash

then they're off. Right. That's kind of the traditional way, isn't it? It's a very traditional Xmas all round. The show was over,

the crowd enthusiastically clapped and shouted for more, but there was no more. That's life. Belinda smiled. It was a great party. That's life. Belinda smiled. It was a great party. It's 5.30.

Literally 5.35. A great party. She's microwaved some mulled wine. That wasn't even at the party, technically. And then stripped off with some OAPs. I mean, what happened to the little closet, the little stationery cupboard? Ah, well.

Oh. Belinda smiled. It was a great party. But now she could get down to some real business. Okay. Happy Christmas, everyone, she thought. Oh, finally. Now she says Christmas.

Now, where was Peter Rouse in that waiting stationery cupboard? Through dancing employees, Belinda eventually caught sight of Peter. But he was slowly kissing a somewhat drunk and laughing Bella. Belinda blinks. And that is the end of that chapter. And that is the end of that chapter. That's not a merry X-mas. What does that mean, actually, please?

Well, like, Belinda can't be surprised if, like, Pete is kissing other women. I mean, he's got a wife. Well, that's... But that's the lucky girl, maybe. The new lucky girl. Oh, the one that she needs compensation for. All the compensation. Bella needs bringing down a peg or two. But wait a second, when are we?

So what does it matter anyway? Yeah, I don't really know. Yeah, exactly. I feel like we'll all be forgotten by the morning. Belinda might never have even been to the horse and jockey with him. Has Belinda been born yet? What's happening? What year is it?

So at some point in the time that Belinda's worked there, this has happened and it may or may not have affected how she feels about any of the players I guess we'll have to find that in book three if it's got any correlation but I'm guessing not James do you feel more Christmassy? I really do

I mean honestly microwaved mulled wine I now can't wait for our office Christmas party oh my god I've booked the Hunt sisters or whatever they're called the Hunt's girls Hunt's girls called. The Hunt's Girls. Hunt's Girls. It's old money, isn't it?

They only want two Anthropons. Doris and June. They just want a hot meal. Anyway, who wants some microwave mulled wine? Me, please. To Alice's. We're in it. I can't wait to come to my house.

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