My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 2

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

In the second XXXmas edition of the 'Belinda Blinked' saga, our heroine goes on a festive skiing trip with The Duchess. Do you need to know more? Enjoy!(ORIGINALLY RELEASED IN DEC 2017) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Merry Christmas one and all. Welcome to My Dad Wrote a Christmas Porno Volume 2. I've got James with me. Hello. I've got Alice with me. Jingle bells.

Jingle bells to you and many happy returns for Hanukkah. Thank you. I can't believe it's come round again. I know. This year has gone like insane. Hasn't it been crazy, guys? Hasn't it just gone so quick? It's been such a year.

It's been whirlwind. So what are people's festive plans this year? What are kind of your family traditions? Well, my brother and I have been trying to make a new tradition happen for the past, I'd say, five years. Yeah. And that's getting fish and chips on Christmas Eve. Ah.

But my mum is really resisting. What do you normally have? Well, she, this is the thing. I mean, she won't listen, it's fine. But she faffs around on Christmas Eve and she says she's going to make something, cook something. She takes so long and we don't want to eat that late. She is the most amazing cook. She's an incredible cook, but bloody hell is she slow.

Oh my God. She's so slow. I still think of that. That tart that tart what was it it was not not my mom the tart she made yeah i still think of that tart she's wonderful she's so loving got a heart of gold that's not uh it was a goat's cheese and butternut squash oh my god it was amazing this is about 10 years ago i would say it was easily 10 years ago yeah so what we have to do is basically say that my dad is nipping out at around 6.37 just before the chippy closes and he goes and gets it.

But she always says she's mad about it, but she's not. She's kind of seen it. Yeah, she loves it really. What do you eat on actual Christmas Day? Do you have turkey? She always goes rogue and is like, I've got a goose or something. A goose? I've always wanted to have goose at Christmas.

Are you joking? Oh God, I bet she does a bird within a goose always wanted to have goose at Christmas are you joking oh god I bet she does a bird within a bird within a bird within a bird within a rat within a rat oh sorry

where's the rat on the outside a rat within a bird within a bird within a bird within a dog honestly she watched Nigel Slater

the TV cook one year and then we had ceviche that like what is it where's it from where's it traditionally

Peru we had that for Christmas dinner one day. She got a bit overexcited. Wow. James, I can imagine that your house is quite stringent with its rules. So the last few years, I've been really keen to cook Christmas dinner.

I'm not allowed anywhere near it. I think my mum and my aunt just love doing it. And they've done it for like, what, 40 years now? And they just love it. Your parents' house 40 years now? And they just love it. Your parents' house is 180 degrees. Every day of the year. Summer. It's absolutely tropical.

Rocky is always manning the fire. Honestly. So you have like an open fire at your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go quite traditional at Christmas, actually. Yeah, paint a picture. What is a Flintstone Christmas like? It's very, very fun.

Like Dad, on Christmas Eve, we get really drunk on Christmas Eve as like a family. Christmas actually yeah what paint a picture what is a Flintstone Christmas like it's very very fun like dad on Christmas Eve we get really drunk on Christmas Eve as like a family on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day and on Boxing Day

every other day of the year and my dad gets out the harmonica you know as per and starts like do you do Christmas hits well it's it's only Irish folk songs

because that's one of the things you know so it's Whiskey in the Jar Will You Go Lassie Go. So it gets a bit raucous on Christmas Eve. So by Christmas Day, we don't really get up until about, I don't know, 11, 12. Oh, my God.

I don't know if we've ever talked about Rocky's harmonica. Rocky's harmonica goes with him wherever he goes. I remember I used to live with you. Yeah. And we'd be like watching telly, just watching a movie or something. And you'd just hear behind you. You'd just start playing unannounced, unask you just start playing the hits he loves it i wonder if you can do the porno theme tune on the on the home oh that would be good to learn there you go

dad little festive project for you if he manages that should we put that out yeah well i don't want to put the pressure on for you know what i reckon he's got it in him he's certainly got the free time do you play any Christmas games in the Flintstone house no we're very anti-games because it's very much a 24 hour

harmonica concert no because half of us are really competitive and half of us are really sensitive sorry guys what even like

Scrabble and stuff like that the worst too many of them for Scrabble there's like 150 of them yeah plus I bet Rocky makes up loads of words that you never even hear.

Wilmer, don't be ridiculous. Schmamanugel is a word. Where are the semicolons for cat sticks? Semicolon on triple word score. He's laughing his way to the bank. I bet he loves those invisible letters where you can make up... You'll never guess what it is.

I'm not going to tell you. I feel like people are really excited for this. It's become a bit of a Christmas tradition. I like to think that people will be sneaking off from the Christmas gathering. They'll have saved it till actual Christmas day. Sneak off. And what's the opportune time to do that? Yeah, precisely.

After dinner? Then you'll throw up. You can't go pre-presence because you'll come back ashen and everybody will be like, what's wrong? Where are you right now? You in a cupboard? What are you doing? You under the duvet? You disgusting piece of work.

I need to take a look at your life. I'm unwrapping a DVD, even though it's almost a defunct technology. One of your older relatives doesn't realise that, so it's given it to you as a gift. You're listening to this? Ungrateful swine. I think some people will listen to it on the train home. So they'll get back to their mum and dad's in a bit of a weird mood.

Well, they definitely won't be horny, will they? Yeah, it does kill all impulses. Well, that's why it's safe to listen to on the train, isn't it? And in front of Nana. Don't do anything in front of Nana. Those hearing aids, they can pick up all sorts. That's like the opposite of an earplug. They pick up every little thing.

Oh my God, Nana knows exactly what you're doing right now. Oh my God, my Nana would always be fast asleep. And we asleep and we'd be like okay fine we'll just watch something on tv change the channel immediately she'd know immediately and one year we just said you know we're not going to do it we're just we're just going to just power through don't care what nana says so so we changed the channel and she was like, where's downtown? I want downtown on. Downton Abbey, everybody. No one even looked at her. We just like, eyes on the TV.

But downtown, I need downtown. When's it on? When's it on, Wilma? My auntie was there and she cracked and she goes, it's on now. Well, why aren't we watching? I love it people snap i love it when they break they get to breaking point it's too good nannas can be superhuman when it comes to the tv i remember my grandma used to be sat at the christmas table for lunch she'd hear the first few bars of the coronation street theme tune she ran like mo room. I've never seen anything like it. It was the only time we'd ever see her run. Honestly.

Ah, Christmas. Ah, Christmas. Does anyone want a mince pie before we begin? Oh, yes, please, James. I'd love one. Thank you. They've got cognac in them. Okay, well, should we delve in?

We have no idea what it's going to be because this isn't ever relevant to the books, right? No, it's standalone. So it could be from any point in the books come on then what's the chapter called so it's called belinda blinked semicolon of course let's go skiing semicolon i've never been skiing that is very christmasy how alpine yes the apres ski is going to be fucking disgusting wait are we sure he's not just going to the milton keens um superdome the indoor dry slope people aren't either skiers or they're not i'm very much not yeah and i remember some people at university i remember overhearing them say oh but darling you've got to go to val's there which i didn't know what that series of sort of like Val's next to each other was and one of them

was like oh my god I know the powder and you know the powder the powder is amazing and the powder is the like the fluffy snow the top snow the top soil if you will I bet your dad's booked a um sea facts holiday before well we did go skiing a couple of times when we were kids. And my dad was like, guys, we're going skiing. And we were like, oh my God, we're going skiing. Cross country. What? Skiing.

Not only the most boring skiing you can do, the hardest. Uphill sometimes. Oh. What? Skiing uphill? Yeah. It's almost like hiking meets skiing. And so you're kind of like walking and then there's like a bit of a hill that you have to go up and then now and again

there's a big hill you can go down for like 30 seconds or something and there was a time that i was i'd finally reached the top of this hill and i went down and then suddenly this figure was going really fast behind me and all i heard was and he pushed me off the slope and i fell down this little hill into this kind of like frozen bit of lake and he just was like my bloody dad. Rocky Flintstone nearly killed me on a cross-country ski slope. But he did say pardon, monsieur. Yeah, we were in the French Alps. Well, I would hope so. We were in Canada.

There was no need for it. I'd love to go skiing one day. Anyway, we should probably read the chat at some point. So, Belinda blinked. Let's go skiing. Belinda unscrewed the top of her big orange flask. She's gone skiing. She's there.

Someone said let's go skiing. She's there. At the departure gate of LYC Airport. LYC. No. No, he means L-C-Y. L-C-Y is London City. London City. Her favourite airport.

You don't know that. It could be the Lusitania's airport or something. Also, why is he using the three character code for the airport? I'm not just saying London City. If you know, you know. But he doesn't know. But he simply doesn't know. The YMCA airport.

That would be invalid on the machine, you know, when you type it in. So she's taken a flask to get in the full feel of it at the airport. Yes, exactly. I hope she hasn't gone through departures yet, because you famously can't get liquids through security. Oh, yeah, that would be confiscated straight away. Oh, well, she's sat in departures, so she's... She's somehow smuggled that through security.

Maybe it's one of those famous 100ml flasks. In a little plastic clear bag. That wild Boxing Day party with the Hunts girls, Doris and Joan, had left her mouth dry and pussy panting. Pussy panting! had left her mouth dry and pussy panting. Pussy panting? So the Hunts girls were referred to in the last Christmas special.

Yes. They were strippers, weren't they? They were octogenarian strippers. Yeah, they were. Were they 70? Were they 90? We don't know. Exactly.

She settled comfortably back into her economy comfort seat and thought about her weekend. Skiing with the Duchess. settled comfortably back into her economy comfort seat and thought about her weekend. Skiing with the Duchess. Sorry, settled back into her seat. Wasn't she just in departures? Yeah, but it's a new paragraph, so I'm guessing that she's now on the plane. She's probably landed.

Oh my God, so she's going skiing with the Duchess. It's going to be a nice resort, isn't it? Oh, the Duchess is such a skier. Oh my God, the parlor. Oh, the parlor. The parlor's got a big cross-eye. Oh? Oh, the Duchess is such a skier. Oh, my God. The Pardot. Oh, the Pardot. The Pardot. The Pardot. Oh, my God. The Pardot.

Skiing with the Duchess in the Scottish Cairngorms. Oh. I thought we'd at least go to France. The Scottish where-gorms? Cairngorms. I'm sorry, what? It's like a national park, isn't it, in Scotland? I'm not sure they have any skiing.

It's a lot of heather. I've literally never heard of anybody skiing there. It would be cold on Boxing Day, to be fair. Very cold. Yes, and rainy, probably. Yeah, probably literally no snow. Mud skiing. She was so excited.

It was the perfect invite to tide her between that good good for nothing wasteland between christmas and new year yes you know what they refer to it as what the gooch week no who does the gooch week that's what they call it who calls it that the gooch week who calls it that you've made that up says it in the bible the gooch because they obviously called it christ in the Bible. The Three Kings waited, obviously, for Gooch Week and then arrived to give the baby Jesus presents. They call it the Gooch Week. Can you stop saying the Gooch Week? Because it's the bit between...

I get why they call it that. We understand it's hideous, yes. Thank you. Miss Belinda, I'm over here. What? Is she on the plane? Belinda swivelled her head. 360 degrees. Behind the insulting curtain and into the VIP section.

I've experienced this. So the Duchess is sat in first. She's sat in economy comfort class. I've been on a work trip where somebody I work with has been up in the posh bit and I've been back in the other bit. And they came to say hi and they were carrying a cheese board. they just went back it was like oh how's things down here and obviously we're like yeah fine you know got deep vein thrombosis or whatever and they're like honestly I'm not lying it was carrying a like a smorgasbord of cheeses did he offer you some cheddar did he

heck just went back in Belinda swiveled her head behind the insulting curtain and into the VIP section, where the Duchess's gravelly voice was enjoying a complimentary glass of something hot. Her voice was enjoying it. Oh, that voice. It can put it away. She was dressed in a white, plasticised linen ski suit. I'm sorry, what? Pl plasticised linen ski suit. I'm sorry, what? Plasticised linen?

Yes. So I guess it's waterproof. Has it been through a laminator? How does one plasticise linen? How does one plasticise any garment? You know, like when you sometimes get quite good quality tents and it is fabric. Like oil, I guess oil.

Yeah, it's like water resistant. Like waxed jacket yes exactly yeah but that's not linen all i can think is if you dipped a garment in pva glue and left it long enough it would harden yeah god she'd be crinkling all over the place wouldn't she every movement would go plasticized linen although he is onto something because on a lot of the catwalks for next season a lot of pvc a lot of plastic stuff yeah so he's not he's not wrong he's not right but he's not wrong god the duchess is so 2018 right now she really is she was dressed in a white plasticized linen ski suit with her telltale panama hat perched on her noddle on her what perched on her noddle on her noddle noddle nodule stop saying noddle so clearly when it's the least clear word ever perched on her noddle

do you know what that means it means head is it a vagina is it another word for vagina come into my noddle i do not want to see a woman's noddle all right belinda pulled her ski case off the luggage carousel and strode over to the waiting duchess right sorry the carousel he's whizzing through it that isn't even a change of paragraph that's just literally the next sentence right okay we landed great okay fine they kissed as the wind chill factor was now down to minus eight and neither wanted lip burn so early into the long weekend mini break so they're now outside unless the wind chill on that very fast moving carousel is killer it's very drafty airport well that is sch for you guys

it started to snow harder if at all and pulled... Haven't established it's snowing. It almost definitely isn't. It started to snow harder and Belinda pulled her sheep fluff coat with it... Why is everyone wearing stupid clothes from the future? Sheep fluff. Sheep fluff. Sheep fluff.

But like the offcuts of sheep skin. Where do you get the fluff from? Where do you get it from? It started to snow harder and Belinda pulled her sheep fluff coat with its black goat skin lapels.

Oh God. Closer to her knockout knockers. Okay, right. A few things Lapels Goat skin lapels On a sheep fluff coat I've never seen anything like it

She's mutton dressed as I don't even know what She's mutton dressed as goat Oh god So that's a look isn't it It's quite the ensemble You wouldn't miss those two walking out together would you But we don't ski so we don't know

That might be the attire. Yeah, sheep fluff is quite big in Val d'Azere. I'm not even going to comment on Knockout Knockers because it's given him attention he doesn't deserve. Yes, quite. Willie has the rolls out front, Miss Belinda. I've organised a cold Australian chardonnay and a grouse pie for nibbles.

For nibbles? A grouse pie for nibbles? For nibbles? A grouse pie for nibbles? What's wrong with a twiglet? A whole game pie for nibbles. Just have a nibble of that giant game pie. I've organised a grouse pie for nibbles during our transfer to the family castle. I cannot wait to see this chateau. With a toast, they were off, slipping, skidding and sliding through the deepening snow to the impressive chateau. With a toast, they were off, slipping, skidding and sliding

through the deepening snow to the impressive chateau. Sounds like a terrifying journey and not want to be eating hot grass. They're literally going to be covered. It's like a skyfall. A mighty spruce stood in the great hall

as tall as the ceiling. Is it like the Hogwarts Great Hall? Yeah, I imagine that. Oh, lovely. Very Christmassy, very festive. Thousands of candles balanced on its branches. Fucking hell. I don't think so.

It's the bullshit alarm. Can we just think about the logistics of lighting and balancing thousands of candles on a tall spruce tree? Mighty spruce, please. Mighty. Even bigger than I thought. I'll tell you what, there's nothing like a dried out pine tree to go up. It's oily as fuck, that. That's just going to... That is quite literally... It's kindling. That's like fanning the flames. Thousands of candles balanced on its branches. Oh, God, come on.

Think about it. Balance. It said, like, in holders of some sort. But balance. Thousands of candles balanced on its branches, and the tree was decorated with artefacts that dated back to Henry VIII's reign of hedonism. Oh, really?

More wood for the fire. You'd think they'd be in a museum, but no, stick them on the tree next to all the naked flames. Can we just remember whose tree it is as well? It's the Duchess's, so there'll probably be dildos hanging on it. Oh, yeah. She has a dildo necklace, is it? Or the one with the clamps?

Sexual jewellery, yeah. Yeah, so there'll be all this kind of clampage all over it. Footmen were walking with platters of festive canapes for the distinguished guests, ranging from fields of law, politics and flower arranging. One of the Duchess's favourite pastimes. Which one? Flower.

Right. I'm guessing flower arranging. Although she might be a member of the House of Lordsords mightn't she so maybe politics or law on the venn diagram of like invitees how many do you think are from the fields of flower arranging and how many do you think from law and politics i bet it's heavily weighted to flower everyone just like tweaking the arrangements not talking to anyone belinda thought she'd spotted Chiara Montague, but couldn't be sure of the sound of Slade's blasting Xmas anthem. So wait, they've got the massive tree.

Yeah. The canapes. Yeah. The people from politics, law and flower arranging. Yes. But they've got a CD on. I don't think so. You'd have like live carol singers or an orchestra or something.

Oh, you think? Yeah. Not just any CD as well. Slade. Which one's that? It's Christmas! They've clearly got on Now That's What I Call Christmas or whatever. That is the worst Christmas song, isn't it? Here it is

made. Oh God, I hate that one. That is the worst. She looks very unimpressed. I just remember hearing that Noddy Holder still lives off it. I just expected a bit more, that's all I'm saying. Alice. What? You and Belinda.

What? Not for the first time. On the same wavelength. Go on. I'd have had you down as a Christmas carols only household, my lady. This is not the time for just bunging on a compilation CD Belinda half shouted over Noddy Holder's

tuneful screeching my god Belinda it's you he is laughing his way to the bank oh piffle mistress Belinda we are strictly

secular here but shh don't tell mum it's not secular to do Christmas though is it it's famously leading towards one particular religion more than others you haven't got christmas carols it does not mean you aren't celebrating a religious festival who's mom say it again so she said we are strictly secular here

but shh don't tell mom the duchess winked. She may be my godmother, but I can't abide the church. Mum, as in the Queen? Belinda blinked. I bet she'd... Oh, you got drink for Belinda Blink. Cheers, everyone. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Sorry, I didn't have any microwave in my blind. I hope this will do. Lovely, thank you. Wait a sec. Yeah, hang on. So her godmother is the Queen, oh England. Lovely, thank you. Wait a sec. Yeah, hang on. So her godmother is the Queen O'England? Belinda blinked. The Queen is your godmother?

Of course, the Duchess said while scooping the mincemeat out of a mini mince pie. She's obsessed with pies. Also, you ordered everything. Why are you ordering mince pies if all you want is the mincemeat?

Just order a jar of mincemeat. She might just eat a jar of mincemeat with a spoon. They just bring it to her. Of course, the Duchess said while scooping the mincemeat out of a mini mince pie. Aunt Lizzie gives the best prezzies. Belinda swooned. She would get her damehood for services to pots and pans business practices yet. Dame Belinda Blumenthal.

That would be great. Wouldn't that be great? Are you an OBE then? What are you? No, you're a dame. But do you have letters after your name? I think DBE. Or LYC.

D-A-M-E. Because it goes M-B-E, which you don't want. What's that? Member. Oh, rubbish, okay. Rubbish. What do you get that for, business? Well, anything.

But it's like the worst one to get. Like, I wouldn't even tell people if I got it. I wouldn't even tell people that I got it because I'm not even bothered. Member of the British Empire. Then it goes... Aren't we all M-B-E? Yeah, exactly. Then O-B-E, officer. Then C-B-E we all MBE? Yeah, exactly. Then OBE, officer.

Then CBE, commander. And then either a sir or a dame. So you can bypass those? Oh, yeah. You don't have to go through the ranks? No. I think Sir Andy Murray's just a sir. I don't think he actually got anything else.

Sir Lenny Henry, obviously. Oh, Sir Lenny Henry. Of course. Well, well deserved. Oh my God, I wonder if he's at this party. It'll be a who's who. He's probably hoovering up that discarded pastry from the Duchess. And staying in a nearby Premier Inn.

I've got a knighthood for those adverts. Was it for the adverts? It wasn't for the adverts. It's great charity work for Comic Relief. It was a bit for the adverts, though, wasn't it? Oh, it was a little bit for the adverts. You have to stay in the public eye, guys. I was going to say, the adverts brought him back into the public consciousness.

It's like Bono. Like, how are they sirs? Like, come on. Bono's a sir? Yeah. Sir Bono? Sir Bono. Oh, my God.

I know. Recently? No, forever. Well, he wasn't born Sir Bono. No, I don't think so. I don't believe he was born Bono. Sir Bono. Oh my God. I know. Recently. No, forever. Well, he wasn't born Sir Bono. No, I didn't think so. I don't believe he was born Bono. He was knighted Sir Bono. Does he have a first name?

He will do somewhere. I actually want to Google what Bono's real name is. Just check. I think his name's quite long. But is it Bono? Oh my God. Bono's real name is Paul David Hewson. Oh, that's disappointing.

Sir Bono Hewson. We have a problem. Lenny Henry's become a sir. There's all sorts of curveballs. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over.

Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Dinner was an excellent affair. To her joy of joys, Belinda was seated next to Chiara Montague and spent much of the meal with her hand finger deep in her lap. Finger deep in her lap?

Whilst eyeing up various lads across the long table. She ate a grouse pie with those hands. Ever so greasy. Oh, God. Slipped right in. So she's got a finger between the thighs and she's looking at the lead what the lads lads lads that's a scottish title yeah yeah it is isn't it yeah that's like scottish aristocracy isn't it exactly yeah that's your scottish lady henry's Lenny Henry's. It was midnight when a tentative set of knuckles

knocked Horrible! on Belinda's large mahogany Back. bedroom door. So she's like, wow, this day is zipping by. It really is.

I'm still worried about that tree. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it's been extinguished now. She strode across the large room naked and flung open the door belinda blinked drink oh drink i wonder whose giant knuckles they are it was sir lenny henry well it doesn't say so i'm just gonna have to just do any kind of accent oh belinda please forgive this intrusion i only wanted to have a last drink with you, but I see you're expecting company.

No, she's in bed. She's gone to bed. I think it's Chiara. It's Chiara. That sounds like who she was sat with. Yeah. But we don't know. She could have been talking to all sorts of people.

But I see you're expecting company. Yes, you. Well, no, because she didn't know who it was going to be. Next paragraph. The Duchess breathed out deeply. As Belinda removed her plasticised ski suit and bra. She's been wearing it all day. I'm surprised that's not melted next to those candles.

I'd be so sweaty inside that. Oh my God, honestly. Her nipples hardened to not melted next to those candles. I must be so sweaty inside that. Oh my god, honestly. Her nipples hardened to Belinda's deft touch. They knew the score. This is not their first rodeo. And wanted to feel Belinda's fingers for as long as humanly possible. The nipples wanted to. Yes. Everything's personified in these books. So sentient, these nipples. Dampness started to creep down Belinda's thighs. It is an old building. Rising dampness.

I imagine it to have quite steamy windows and be chilly and damp in that place. Dampness started to creep down Belinda's thighs, so she grabbed the Duchess by the hand and pulled her onto the bed. The Duchess nodded to the ceiling. Is there a camera? Is there a camera? Tell me if there's a camera. Is there a camera? Belinda's eyes followed

and saw mistletoe dangling from an ancient oak beam. I imagine the ceiling's so fucking high. I'll be good up there. What is that? Probably the same way they put all those bloody candles on that tree. A Christmas kiss, my dear. She doesn't need mistletoe. Neither of them need mistletoe.

Oh, my lady. Belinda exclaimed as the Duchess kissed her crotch with festive cheer. That is not the tradition. And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day. Oh, God. Yeah, don't do that at Christmas. No, please don't. You will get in trouble. The Duchess removed a long, red and white striped dildo from her lace leg strap.

She's got a candy cane dildo. Like an elf. I bet the handle is shaped like the end of the candy cane. Like a crook. Oh my God. So, ruined candy canes and ruined mistletoe within, what, two sentences? I would say ruin Christmas. I'd go as far as to...

Ruin the grouse pie long before that. So, the Duchess removed a long, red and white striped dildo from her lace leg strap. Oh, so it's in a kind of, what do they call it? A garter. A garter, yeah. Lace leg strap. A lace leg seat belt. It was a handsome utensil, complete with a handy hook.

That's what he said. For added purchase and precision. Precision. A stocking filler to be proud of, Belinda's mind said with dastardly intent. A stocking filler. A private gift, not a stocking filler. No, not one that you get out in front of the family. A stocking filler is what?

Like a fidget spinner? Well, this is kind of a fidget spinner. But like, you know, it's like a little £10 joke. Yeah, or a satsuma. A handful of nuts. Not a candy cane dildo. But Mistress Blumenthal was worried. Mistress?

She had committed to giving up sugar for her New Year's resolution. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's not made of sugar. Is it? Is it? I'm sure it's not. What, and she's going to consume it via the vagina? She'll have a fizzy vagina.

That doesn't count, does it? Does it not count? So if you give up chocolate, you can't just put chocolate buttons up your vag? Well, I'm sure you can, because I don't think it counts. Like, I think if you've given up sugar, you can stuff as many donuts up there as you want. I'm not eating chocolate for lunch. By the mouth. She had committed to giving up sugar for her New Year's resolution.

And everyone in her water aerobics class was doing it too. What? How old is she all of a sudden? Well... No one does water aerobics class was doing it too. What? How old is she all of a sudden? Well... No one does water aerobics under the age of 90. No one. Tell Dad that. Linda's 29 years old.

Is there nothing else she can be doing to keep fit? So everyone in her water aerobics class was doing it too. What would they say if she succumbed to confectionery at the first opportunity? Surely the dildo isn't made of sugar. They'll never know, she reasoned. And what better way of riding out the year than on this candy cane of dreams? That's pretty, isn't it? That's a pretty thought. But also, it's not the new year yet, so she doesn't need to do a resolution.

What is it, Boxing Day? Yeah, day after. It's the 27th. So she can indulge in all she wants with sugar. This is the time to really go for it. That's a pointless paragraph. Riding out on a candy cane dream. She opened her perfect legs apart.

Opened her perfect legs apart. Good, yeah, good. Nothing to see here. Carry on. That checks out. No. She opened her perfect legs apart Showing off Her slowly parting lids

Seven something parts Everything's parting As they peeled back What? Peeled The Duchess thirstily licked her chops Chops? Chops

Whose chops? Her own. Okay. Oh, I thought you meant Belinda's chops. I don't call them chops. Oh, maybe it is. I don't know. I've heard of beef curtains.

I've never heard of lamb chops. What's with all the knockers and chops? As they peeled back, the Duchess thirstily licked her chops. As Belinda groaned, the Duchess hummed, watching her perspiring pussy meat. Oh! That is disgusting! Sweaty pussy meat. Chops!

Meat! Pussy meat and chops Oh my god That's just awful down there That is cat meat that's been left out of the fridge Left out of the fridge Oh my god That just genuinely made some sick come into my mouth

Aspiring pussy meat is actually making me Oh it just came up again I can't stop it No Dad that is So it's clammy That is rush Here's what I picture

Spam A bit of a hacked up Spam You know how you need the key to open the can Comes out in a cube that's what I'm picturing And it's sweaty when it comes out of the it's perspiring don't that's honestly i'm getting something your eyes are watering yeah so the duchess hummed watching it hummed that meat hummed honestly put it straight it's very high very high that meat the duchess hummed, watching her perspiring pussy meat.

I'm so sorry. I'm not joking. I have a sip of water. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. One sec. It's not making me feel well at all.

Just when it was deemed wet enough, the Duchess twisted the thick candy cane into her mistress. I'm sorry. I'm not joking. Can we stop for just a second?

There's something like sitting there in my throat. Okay. Should we just have a moment? Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Belinda shrilled with each rotation. Her screams reverberated around the foot-deep sandstone walls

like a martyr of medieval times. Getting undrawn and quartered. Essentially. No sooner had the echoes of pleasure hushed than she screeched again. No peace. Imagine everyone else in the castle. Belinda had always known her

lady was a pro, but this was ridiculous. Oh my god. The Duchess's wrist was twisting as effectively as a pneumatic drill. It wasn't long until the candy cane had been thrown across the chamber, smashing into a stone buttress at speed.

Okay, a few things. Pneumatic drills don't twist. They go back and forth. Famously pneumatic. Can you read the other bit? It wasn't long until the candy cane had been thrown across the chamber. So it shattered, this candy cane. Smashing into a stone buttress at speed.

I didn't know if Belinda shot it out. You know how you hear about this when you can shoot ping pong balls out of the vaginas? Oh yeah, that's a thing. I'm sure she would have said that. I think ping pong ball, slightly lighter and probably easier to eject. Than a candy cane dildo. Yeah, you're right.

I'm no expert, but. She lowered her Marlborough educated lips to Belinda. Which ones does she have on again? Right, yeah. Oh, she's got classy lips on. That's where Kate went, isn't it? Kate Middleton. Is it?

Yeah. It's where duchesses go. It's a duchess maker. She lowered her Marlborough educated lips to Belinda's. The sticky mess was divine. Oh, sorry. Which of the Marlborough educated lips? Face or lower?

I think she, the duchess, lowered her Marlborough-educated lips. So her... Face. Face. Her noggin or whatever it's called. What's it called? A noddle. A noddle.

Noddle. The lips on a noddle. Yeah. Down to Belinda's. The sticky mess was divine. Sticky mess. What is... It's not a bloody balsamic glaze.

Sweet. With the hint of tartness. Oh, maybe it is. Not in like a passion fruit pavlova. Oh, there you go. Not in like an old spam. Oh, maybe it is. Not unlike a passion fruit pavlova. Oh, there you go. Not unlike an old spam. Oh, God, yeah. Fizzy corned beef.

Oh. I love that Rocky was, like, grasping around. What's it taste like? Passion fruit pavlova. That'll be it. When you get served that on Christmas Day. Oh, my God. How often do you have passion fruit pavlova?

How often do you have fanny pavlova? Oh, don't. Come on, now. Scrummy. Oh my God. How often do you have passion fruit pavlova? How often do you have fanny pavlova? Oh, don't. Come on now. Scrummy. Oh God. The Duchess grinned a gooey grin. A gooey?

Why is everyone so tacky and like oozy? Oh, don't. Because I imagine the mouth is just like full of stuff. Stringy. Stringy.

Passion fruit seeds and other than. The Duchess grinned a gooey grin. Gooeyy. Passion fruit seeds and everything. The Duchess grinned a gooey grin. Gooey grin. I do so love the Xmas traditions. I'm sorry.

Not an Xmas tradition in anyone's house. Oh my God. I honestly, I don't feel good. Belinda blinked. Yeah, I bet she really did. Yeah, I think we all have.

Drink. Belinda blinked. The Scottish snow was superb. Oh, my God, we haven't even been skiing yet. Oh, for fuck's sake. Let's go skiing. When? Now.

Not too wet and not too pardre. Pardre. Oh, the pardre. The Duchess, Belinda and Ciara, skied all morning long. Ciara's a right third wheel, isn't she? And stopped for a break at one of the little bothies located deep in the Cairngorms. There's so many words in this chapter I've never heard before. It's definitely Scottish.

I think maybe Google it. Oh, they're like, yeah, I have heard of these. They're like abandoned simple shelters in the countryside. So like a kind of very simple little cottage, but just all on its own. I guess a bit like a beach hut, but just like in the middle of nowhere. Right, okay. So they've gone to a bothy. And also made of stone.

A well-wrapped up, aged, emaciated man. Oh, great. Served them and took their money muttering and coughing all the while. Oh, so they're manned? I just thought they were empty. Well, this one's manned by a small well-wrapped up, aged, emaciated little man. Is he emaciated or emaciated-ish?

Just emaciated. He sounds hot. What's he saying, my lady? asked Belinda. She doesn't speak Scottish. I think he's saying the weather's coming in. We should drink up and go. They exited the little hut quickly,

with the Duchess leading the way, Tiara second, and Belinda bringing up the rear. She loves bringing up the rear. You know what I mean? But wait a sec, so they are cross-country skiing? They are, aren't they? What, they've got their skis on?

Yeah. Why else would they be going single file? Oh, yeah, and there's not a ski lift to be seen. So they're just going from place to place, like you did on holiday. Yeah. Storm clouds had made the delightful day turn nasty. And they'd left themselves three hours of hard skiing before they got back to safety in the castle.

Exactly. They're not doing slopes. They're going from A to B. They're not skiing. They're cross-country skiing. They're just making walking really hard. Yeah. They're doing exactly what you did on the Flintstonian holiday.

Oh, my God. Someone's going to knock them off the cliff. Honestly, there's going to be a pardon monsieur any minute. Pardon, laddie. You'll hear a faint distant harmonica any second. Oh my God. The Duchess. Well, she was a superb skier,

having been sent to finishing school in Switzerland over 40 years ago. Yeah, well over 40 years ago. How can you be good at cross-country skiing? Oh, it's a real skill. No, James, it's really hard. You would say that. No, it is really hard. Yeah, sure, cool, yeah.

But just because you're good at normal skiing, are you good at cross-country? No, it's a completely different discipline. So she went to finishing school in Switzerland and did cross-country skiing then? Yeah, probably. Right. She'd never lost her technique.

She'd been amateur champion in her 20s and francois gerard her then dashing skiing instructor had always wanted her to train for the british olympic team but those hopes had quickly been dashed when he'd gotten her pregnant francois gerard francois gerard i was about to say don't give a fuck pregnant. Francois Girard? What? Francois Girard? I was about to say, don't give a fuck about Francois Girard. I was sick and small-bitty about not giving a shit. And suddenly everything's changed.

Who is her... Illegitimate child. Yeah. Wait, so Francois Girard... Could it be Belinda? Oh my... Wouldn't that be a twist? That'd be fucking dark.

Oh God, no, that was awful, given what they've just been doing. She's just eating a sweaty cat meat. I take it back. I take it back. If you've got an illegitimate 29-year-old

hanging around, I wouldn't recommend all... Honestly. The dates add up. François Girard. Oh, pardon, monsieur. No, they don't, because we all know that Belinda's dad is Bobby Bloomington. Okay, but maybe Bobby thinks that too, but maybe Francois Girard. Because I think Francois Girard is buxom with black hair.

It all makes sense. God, if I didn't feel sick enough already, the idea that Belinda's bucking a mug. Oh, God. Look. That makes me want to give. Look, look. That sent me right over the edge. Sorry, I should never have said it.

Look, Chiara was also a useful skier. Oh right, so we're just on to the next one. That's it. Useful. They were making good progress, but suddenly, the explosive sound of an avalanche ricocheted

throughout the valley. Oh god. Dangerous. They should get back to that hut. Surely they'd be safer in the heart, in the bothy, or bothy, or whatever. The Duchess didn't stand a chance. What? Is she already dead? It's going to kill the Duchess. She'd just have a heart attack there on the spot. Mum! Francois!

And last word. Francois Gerard, I love you always! The Duchess didn't stand a chance. As the snow enveloped her completely. last word. Potsdam Gerard, I love you always. The Duchess didn't stand a chance as the snow enveloped her completely. Oh, so it wasn't the sound, it was an actual avalanche. Let's be honest, shall we? The sound of the avalanche.

It was an avalanche. Chiara didn't fare much better. Well, no one fares very well in an avalanche, do they? It's not like you can fight it off. But thankfully, Belinda being just 30 metres behind... Oh, come on. ...stopped sharply... She was bringing up the rear.

What, so the avalanche stopped just in front of Belinda? Pulling her bright purple goggles down her face, she gasped at the horror beyond the ridge. So, wait, they're... Are they dead? Are they just under... Oh, no, don't be silly. It's Christmas. This chapter's becoming bleaker beyond the ridge. So wait, they're... Are they dead? Are they just under... Oh, no, don't be silly. It's Christmas.

This chapter's becoming bleaker by the second. Belinda knew it was sink or swim. Neither, is it? Or ski. Let's just cross-country ski, shall we? Let's use the tools that are available to us. And she had no intention of deserting her friends. Oh, well, that's good to know.

Yeah, can you imagine if you just walked off? Back to the bothy he puts her feet up. Not this day. Not this mountain. All right. Bloody Rambo. Moving swiftly, she scooped up Ciara Montague en route. En route?

She's only 30 metres away. En route where? En route to what? The Duchess? They're next to each other. On route. What the fuck is going on? She scooped up Ciara Montague en route. And then, after a quick scrabble in the thickening snow,

the Duchess. Eventually they found refuge in the tiny bothy. Oh, they've gone back to the bothy? The old, coughing Scotsman wheezed, Oh, they've gone back to the bothy. Doesn't sound like he has anything healthy in that body. I am bothered about the body. The females all declined. No, thank you. We don't wish to survive.

I'd rather die of hypothermia than eat any of your shit. They all declined. That's so fucking rude. Instead, the duchess spoke up. Girls, we must simply strip down to our skins to get warm. Or eat some soup.

Snuggled naked into fake fur rugs in front of the roaring bonfire, the girls... Bonfire? What on earth? Has no one heard of a fire risk before in this damn country? In a tiny little hut, they've got a bonfire inside. Snuggled naked into fake fur rugs in front of the roaring bonfire. Why has this man got loads of fake fur? Because he cares about the animals.

What is this like strange luxe VIP booty? I love this booty. I bloody love this booty. Fantastic. Snuggled naked into fake fur rugs in front of the roaring bonfire, the ladies tried to regain their blood temperature Blood temperature?

Body, not blood They're not reptiles It's no blasted good I'm still a frozen wee lassie Nice try, Chiara There is nothing worse than posh English people, I presume, trying to be a bit Scottish. I mean, including the accents on this podcast today.

Thank you. With a gust of wind, she removed her fake fur and stood in the hut with nothing on but her twinkling smile and hand-forged sapphire necklace radiating over her bluish skin. What? Blue? She's cold, isn't she? Oh, right.

Sorry. So she's wearing a smile and a hand forged necklace. Why do we need to know it's hand forged? Well, she is a designer. Maybe she made it herself. Oh my God. At that, the Duchess slithered out of her own fur. Out of her own skin, like a snake.

And onto Belinda's torso. She accidentally, but actually on purpose we all know that one and they're hyphened together she accidentally but actually on purpose spilled her whiskey and iron brew mixer over the mistress's tits iron brew cause scottish drink if you're an international listener you might not have heard of the delights of Iron Brew. A bright orange Scottish fizzy drink. It's kind of like... Pop, isn't it? Fizzy pop.

It's fizzy pop. I can't remember what it tastes like. It's like metal. It's like if you drank fizzy metal. All present, licked her nipples clean. All present, including... Squartish mum. Yeah, that guy.

That guy. Oh, that guy. Oh, guy. Everyone there. All present, including Squartish mum. Yeah, that guy. That guy. Oh, that guy. Oh, guy. Everyone there. All three in attendance. I think it means just the, maybe just Ciara and the duck. Well, no. Well, they're famous it says all present. Maybe he's got out to check for the avalanche.

The damage, you know. But he sounds like such an old hag. I think he sounds quite nice. He is your type. I just think he sounds quite rugged, quite rustic. All present licked her nipples clean and proceeded to venture deep into her, Belinda's secret garden. Secret garden! It ain't no secret, sweetheart. Is the boy in the wheelchair there?

Oh, God. Please let him out, Maggie Smith. Mary Lennox needs to get the key to the garden. How do you remember that? I don't know, but I do. He was a very sickly little boy, wasn't he? Wasn't he? He used to cry every night.

Oh, my God. Do you remember that bit when she couldn't understand Yorkshire? I've never seen it. I've never read the book I don't know what you mean oh it's a classic Christmas movie oh my god I don't know what is there a vagina in it

is the secret garden behind a vagina I don't think it's a metaphor for a vagina I think it's literally just a secret garden isn't it yeah

I think it's just a garden no one knows about and it was locked up because the man who owns the big manor house, his wife died and it was her favourite garden and he couldn't bear to look at it. But then Mary Lennox moves in

and discovers the key to it because of the groundsman. Stop watching it so often. I've not watched it in years. Me neither. Okay, so she finds the garden. And she also finds a sickly little boy who basically... Who's trapped in the garden. He's not trapped in the garden, but he lives in the same house.

And he's hidden. He's hidden, like the secret garden. Why is everyone hidden? He's hidden because he's not well and the garden but he lives in the same house and he's hidden he's hidden like the secret garden why is everyone hidden he's hidden because he's not well and he can't take any commotion and he's got commotionitis

and they basically have boarded up the windows which is terrible he makes friends with a bird what the fuck is this film and then what happens he dies does he die

oh does he die I don't know maybe he dies but then the old man... That's too much emotion. Too much emotion. Maybe he doesn't die, but does Maggie Smith die? Someone dies.

Someone dies, and then someone gets better, and then the man who owns it finds the garden nice again, and then it's no longer a secret. That sounds shit. We've wandered off topic somewhat. Suffice to say, this is very different to the film. So all present licked her nipples clean and proceeded to venture deep into her,

Belinda's secret garden. Mistress Belinda, you are the heroine of the hour. So wait, are they all in her secret garden now? What do you mean they're in a secret garden? Are they talking from within the secret garden? Are they shouting out in the secret garden? I think they're just

in amongst it all, you know. Yeah, but what? Like a tongue, a finger? Like what? Yeah, I mean all of that. There can't be room for three tongues,

three mouths, three knoblins. What are they called? Noddles. Noddles. And Mistress Belinda, you are the heroine of the hour, purred the Duchess.

You saved us from the avalanche. Now you must save us all from hypothermia. They're literally getting in. It's like that bit in Star Wars where he cuts open that cow or camel or whatever and gets in him. Oh, like in The Revenant. In The Revenant as well, yeah.

They're all just going to get in Belinda for warmth. The Duchess blinked. Oh, do we drink on that? I'm going to drink on that. Chiara blinked. Oh, I'm going to drink on that too. Yeah, lovely. Belinda blinked.

Oh, for God's sake. Now he just thinks stupid. And that is the end of the Christmas chapter. Are you joking? They've all just climbed in Belinda and that's the end. You know when you said earlier, like a bird within a duck within a bird within a bird that's what you've got there i got it in a rat is belinda the rat you've got a chiara in a duchess in a belinda in a emaciated old man well god knows where he is oh is he in there too he's that little boy from secret

he's very sickly. So it's ended. They're in a ball-thee. They're in a ball-thee. They're in a right bother by the sound of it. But at least they're keeping warm. Yeah, I don't feel Christmassy, but I do feel, I do quite feel like I'd like to go skiing, actually.

Let's go skiing. Alice, you scream a useful skier. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I hope that has been a nice companion to your festive period. I mean, I can't think what else would make it. Should we all go and have a grouse pie? Oh yeah, just a nibble. Merry Christmas,

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