My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 3

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

It's Christmas Eve at Steele's Pots and Pans. Belinda does some last-minute Christmas shopping before getting a chance to sit on Santa's lap... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Merry Christmas one and all! It's the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas Special! Feliz Navidad. Very good. Bon Anniversaire. Oh no, that's Happy Birthday, isn't it? Yeah. Joyeux Noel. That's correct. It's Jesus's Bon Anniversaire. It is Jesus's Bon Anniversaire, if you believe that sort of thing. Well, Merry Christmas, guys. I'm excited. James, you got your tree up. It looks

so festive. And you had a, I would say a lovely medley of Christmas songs on when we came in. But there was some sort of lesser known Christmas songs in there too. I mean, it was literally Ella Fitzgerald. You called her an old boot. Stevie Wonder. I did call her an old boot. Did you? Well, Justin Bieber was in there too, wasn't he?

Yeah, it was an odd mix. She was like, what the hell's this song? What Christmas Means to Me by Stevie Wonder. I mean, it's a tune. Please. You're both being ludicrous. There were some absolute curveballs in there that do not scream Christmas to me. James, you've been very officious

this Christmas and you've kind of forced us to buy presents, which I don't think we would have done otherwise. Secret Santa, everyone does it. Yeah, you even got somebody from your office to email us the name of our Secret Santa. That was a bit extra. During her working day. Well, have you done it? Have you got your Secret Santa? Yeah. Oh, yours is big, Alice. Yes. Okay, who should we start with? Jamie, do you want to give yours first? Yeah, okay. Do you say who it's for? I don't know.

Drum roll, what's the vibe? Because some people say, dear person, love Santa, or love question mark. I hate that. I mean, the illusion's going to be shattered as soon as you hand it to the person. Okay.

Oh, it's for me. Oh, lovely. Oh, Jamie, it's beautifully wrapped. Yeah, sorry, they had no sellotape in the office, so it is gaffer tape. In the office? Do you want to do this in advance? Oh.

Foff socks. One says fuck and one says off. I thought because that's your trademark, isn't it? Fuck off. Did you have these commissioned especially for me? They're the Alice Levine fuck off socks. Because I thought socks, classic Christmas gift. Yeah.

And your catchphrase. Oh, they're good quality. I'm going to put off on first. Okay. Excuse me. But wait, to tell someone to fuck off, I'd have to hold up my feet. Yeah, true. Okay, lift up your feet.

I'm going to take a picture. Are they both on? Oh, it says off fuck. It's just across the legs. You've put them on the wrong feet, but that's lovely. Jamie, I'm touched. I really am. I thought long and hard. Thank you so much. It wasn't the first thing I feet, but that's lovely. Jamie, I'm touched. I really am. I thought long and hard.

Thank you so much. It wasn't the first thing I grabbed, promise. Thank you. Who's next? Who's next? Who's next? I'll go. Okay.

Okay. We know it's for James. Is it James? Oh, for me! Oh, she's written a label. Oh, right. To remind you of that infamous boothy. Oh, the boothy.

The boothy. Last year's Christmas special. Merry Christmas. You've spelt Christmas wrong. You've missed the I out. I've missed all of the vowels out of Merry and Christmas a la a kind of rocky sort of stylistic thing. Such a fucking swat.

Why do you make so much effort with these things? Love, Helga. You'll see why. Oh my god, it's a Christmas jumper! These things love Helga. You'll see why. Oh, my God. It's a Christmas jumper. It's your own Helga knit because you always describe me as Helga. Can you put it on? I've got nothing under this top.

Can you just put it on? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's so fit. Okay, wait. Right there. She's fingering it. Oh, my God.

I think something's about to happen. I'm just going to do that. But look, the windows of the body light up in a different way to the stars in the sky. Oh my gosh, take a picture. Oh, he's so thrilled with it. He is. Look how happy he is. He doesn't look forced into wearing it at all.

Look how low the neckline is. It is. It shows a bit of his hair, which I think is what you're after. Is it a woman's top? We don't know james um it also cost me four pounds so oh you shouldn't have we should put all these on instagram shouldn't we so you can see what the gifts are i really think that it looks more expensive than it was uh okay so jamie shocker who's it from this is for you Oh this is very classy wrapping That was very light Oh no

It's worryingly light Oh it's so disappointing when it's so light You don't know what could be in there Oh What is it? It's an edible anus What?

Made of pure milk chocolate Is this because my dad's now into rimming? You absolute beast. This is because your dad loves anal play. Jamie, you have to say your dad likes chocolate anal play. It's actually disgusting. Let me see.

I just looked at the back of it. Shall I open it? Let me see. Where did you get this from? His cupboard. His ass. They're based on mine. I hope that's cool.

Stop it. Stop it. Is it moulded on you? It's moulded on my anus. Stop it. And you said it was thoughtless. Come on, let's all have one. Have one?

How many anuses are in there? What do you think, Jamie? I'm not even going to ask where you found this. You must have, because you wouldn't just stumble upon this. You had to go looking for it. Oh, us gays buy them for each other every Christmas. Oh, right, okay. Oh, is it a tradition?

Sorry. Oh, they are absolutely foul oh my god i don't think i can eat that eat your anus oh my god they're puckered why are they so large horrible okay just for the dear listeners yes they look like a terry's chocolate orange gone wrong don't they well that's melted a bit and then re-solidified. Everyone grab one. Oh, God. It's like milk tray, isn't it?

Are you going to tongue it or are you just going to neck it? Oh, yeah, you've got to do it. No. Oh. He's literally rimming the chocolate. Okay, ready? Three, two, one. Mmm, Ed Milena.

It's Merry Christmas. Oh, that's quite nice. There is like a tartness to it. It's not just chocolate. Can you stop? Can you stop? You're making me feel a bit weird. Merry fucking Christmas, everybody.

Thank you, James. That's lovely. Now, it wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of Belinda, would it? Will you talk about it at the Christmas table? I think it's been banned from conversation, actually, thankfully. So actually, your only day not talking about your dad's porn is Christmas Day. It is Christmas Day, yeah. I just feel like Belindainda's gonna get a right good stuffing oh james james that's not very right what's happened to him you know he started this podcast so meek so gentle

now he's buying people edible anuses and wanting a woman to be stuffed at christmas maybe she'll give somebody else a right good stuffing how How? With equipment and apparatus. That's called pegging, isn't it? Have you heard of that? What's pegging again? Pegging's when a woman has sex with a guy with a strap on. Oh, right. Why pegging? That sounds snippy and nippy.

I don't know, actually. But apparently it's a thing. So try it this Christmas with a loved one. Okay, right. Should we just go in there? If there's one Christmas takeout, buy somebody chocolate anuses and peg them. So, here we go. The snow was blistering around the streets of London and it was Christmas Eve.

Blistering? That goddamn hot snow. Belinda looked wistfully out of her office window, feeling bored to the bones of man. Working on Christmas Eve. Surely they don't need to work on Christmas Eve. I mean, it's a busy time for pots and pans it's when you've got quite a lot of pots and pans

on the go but I would imagine that people have probably A bought them B distributed them like if you're selling internationally you'll have done the bulk

of your sales won't you it is a work day though Christmas Eve oh I've fucked out the office by like the 20th I'm like yeah screw that it's Christmas I treat

even now as a working adult I still operate on school holiday time. Oh, we know, yeah. And school checkout at the end of the day time. Yeah, 3.30, the bell's gone missed. See ya. That bell's for me, not for you. And then every few teacher training days after Christmas, I go back on the fifth.

Okay, right. So Belinda looked wistfully out of her office window, feeling bored to the bones of man. This was aside from the frivolous Xmas tunes fluttering around her. She was trying to enjoy the song tape Bella had recorded for her. Song tape? Tape! Supposedly all of her favourites, but they were mostly covers by pop stars she'd never heard of.

Thank you. That is exactly what I arrived to. Are you joking? That is an echo of my experience tonight. Yeah, but they were Ella Fitzgerald and Stevie Wonder. You have heard of them. You're quoting the big ones. What about, who was the other one?

Somebody called like... Justin Bieber? Jenny McFarrow or whoever it was. I also love the idea that Bella made a tape, like she's sat by the radio trying to record the song and stop it before the DJ talks. It's quite loving, actually, isn't it? A little little compilation tape of of your but my dad loves cassettes still he still has a cassette player where can you still get cassette players um oh it's an old machine and

he just has his old tapes so oh bless him music never goes out of style guys do you remember on car journeys when you'd have to wait for the tape to rewind? Yes. Flip it over on the side. We only had about four cassettes as well. What did you have? We had Paul Simon Graceland. Great. We had Joni Mitchell. Can't remember the album.

No, I think it was hits, basically. Best of. And then I think we had Disney songs. Right. Okay. For Ken. For Ken. For Dadda Levine.

We had Simply Red, M People. Snap. For Ken. For dad-a-lavine. We had Simply Red, MP Paul, Snap! and UB40. Ah, we had MP Paul, Simply Red and Lighthouse Family. Great.

And Andrea Bocelli. And do you know who I fucking hate now? Simply Red, MP Paul and UB40. Really? Because I actually quite like Paul Simon and Joni Mitchell.

But they're quite cool and like, who really likes Heather Small? Wow. There, you said it. And Mick Hucknall. I'm not a huge Mick Hucknall fan. What you said it. And Mick Hucknall. I'm not a huge Mick Hucknall fan. What is that incredible statistic about Mick Hucknall? He's bedded like 7,000 women.

But there's an amazing fact about that that if your mum was from like between Doncaster and St Ives between the years of such and such and such and such, there's like a 78% chance your mum shagged Mick Hucknall. Well, you've got ginger hair. Just say it. You could be Mick Hucknall's love child. I've got ginger dreads. People have said in the past, Jamieagged Mick Hucknall. Well, you've got ginger hair. Just say it. You could be Mick Hucknall's love child.

I've got ginger dreads. People have said in the past, Jamie looks like Mick Hucknall. Oh my God, you two. You could be brother and sister. Oh my God, that would mean that I'm not Rocky's son. I'll take it. What if Rocky's Mick Hucknall? Oh God.

Apparently, just reading up, he estimates he slept with more than 3,000 women in three years. Wow. That's more than 3,000 women in three years. Wow. That's more than one a day. How? Also, is he keeping like a tally? Do you remember our friend who used to keep an Excel sheet? Yes. No, who?

We can't say. Did they really? Yeah. What, with scores and stuff? Yeah, wasn't it like comments on them? No, that's not true. It is. What?

And was that password protected? How many people were on it? Like one? Three and a half. Was it started optimistically, hoping that it would become a big list? Dance with me, sing with me, drink with me. Oh God, is she going to be a big part of Christmas? Bella screeched at her whilst contorting herself to the Muzak.

Bella, you should get home for Christmas. Time to leave the office. Did it already say Muzak? Muzak. Bella, you should get home for Christmas. Time to leave the office. Did it really say Muzak? Muzak. Yeah. Isn't that like Lyft music? Is it? Muzak is a thing.

Oh, is it? Yeah. That sort of library music that they play that's copyright free or whatever, isn't it? I thought Dad was just trying to be really it. My dad does love the Gotan Project. Excuse me? Have you ever heard of them? No.

Really bad Lyft music. Oh. Yeah. But he likes listening to it. He loves it. God, he must love the Gotan Project. Excuse me? Have you ever heard of them? No. Really bad lift music. Oh. Yeah. But he likes listening to it. He loves it. God, he must love going in lifts. Belinda looked up and smiled at the bonnet-wearing Bella. Bonnet? She's got a bonnet on. Oh, she's going outside. She's got a hat on.

She had so enjoyed her Dickensian carol concert for one in the canteen earlier in the day. What do you mean? What do you mean? Come on. What do you mean for one? She did like a choir thing, but just on her own. In the canteen

though? On Christmas Eve when there's nobody in. What's that? Just on her own. Christmas. Christmas. Do you think Belinda sent her down What's that? Just on her own. The Christmas is in a bed, the Christmas is in a bed. Do you think Belinda sent her down to the canteen and said, just stay in the canteen for a bit. But just as she was about to stand and jive with Bella.

Jive! A wrapped parcel was dumped on Belinda's desk by Jim Thompson. A present was given. A wrapped parcel was dumped on Belinda's desk by Jim Thompson. A present was given. A wrapped parcel was dumped. Oh, it's a Christmas present. Reasoned, Bella. Reasoned. What did she say?

Oh, it's a Christmas present. Fucking hell, we've got a detective in on this. If only she was there to find out who the special one was. How did she deduce that? Well. Oh, I think it just might be. Agreed, Belinda. Do people not give gifts at steals? Why is everybody so, why is this an alien concept?

But from who? Whoa, Jim Thompson, maybe? She ripped asunder the wrapping paper. So dramatic. Unwrapped it. And looked at a glinting crystal punch bowl in the shape of a full bosom. Or in the shape of a bowl. I was looking for a glinting crystal punch bowl in the shape of a bosom for your Secret Santa.

Should have asked Jim. What makes it in the shape of a breast and not just in the shape of a punch bowl? Maybe a nipple. But where would that nipple go? Maybe on the base. It could be... Making it not very steady. Yeah.

Maybe it's like two breasts. So it's kind of... No, no, it said one bosom. Full bosom. Oh, it's the full bosom. So a bosom is like... Both, yeah. So it's kind of like...

It's a double kind of... A double breasted... A double well. Punch bowl. That is a great present for Belinda, to be fair. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah, because aren't champagne glasses supposed to be modelled on Marie Antoinette's breasts? Oh, were they?

I think so. What, those kind of saucer ones? Yeah, exactly. Not the flutes. Very pointy bullet bits. Yeah, true. I need to clarify that. The card read, for the juices of your choice, and light your duchess oh it read it in the

duchess voice it's nice that it's nice touch it's like when people leave a letter for somebody in a soap opera but it's in their voice yeah what is a love and light for the juices of your choice i like for the juices of your choice love and light light, your Duchess. Namaste, the Duchess. Yeah, love and light. It's very peace and love, isn't it? Yeah, she started yoga or something, apparently. Belinda nearly dropped the glistening artifact in her shame. Fuck's sake.

Oh, no. There's a number one next to the O. You've got to press shift. He's got a fresh shift. Oh, fresh shift. Unless he's writing no one. Oh, maybe. Oh, no one. So we're going to say that's an exclamation mark.

Oh, we've all done that. Come on. Especially when you write loads of exclamation marks because there's always a one at the end there's there's there's quite a lot of ohs so you've just probably got very excited it's a tricky business this typing malarkey oh no one i didn't get her anything oh that is a faux pas but what to buy a major piece of royalty major piece of ass with connections piece of ass. With connections to other royal people of worth.

It's because she's in the royalty. Maybe she could just grab something from the office somewhere and just wrap it up. No, not for the Duchess. No, you have to be more thoughtful than that. Is it somewhere classy like Fortnum and Mason's?

Oh, that would be good. Yeah, because don't royals shop there so that seems appropriate. It'll be shut. It's Christmas Eve. It won't be shut on Christmas Eve. Everywhere's open on Christmas Eve. Everywhere's open on Christmas Eve. It will be shut. She's got to get into central London. It'll be shut. It's Christmas Eve. It won't be shut on Christmas Eve. Everywhere's open on Christmas Eve. Everywhere's open on Christmas Eve.

It will be shut. She's got to get into central London. It must be the after... It'll be shut. She's in central London. Her office is in central London. It'll be shut. It's not in central London.

It's near Heathrow. It's famously near the town hall clock. What's wrong with you? She can't drive into central London on Christmas Eve. Are you insane? It's probably open until bloody midnight Christmas Eve.

For the most part. Have you seen any film ever? But what to buy? a major piece of royalty with connections to other royal people of worth? James buys his Christmas presents in the January sale and said he bought them before. There was only one place. I know.

Forsters of Knightsbridge. Belinda dropped everything. Including the bowl. Kissed everyone happy Xmas under the office mistletoe. Clearly in a rush then. Bye. Sounds like only Bella and Jim Thompson are in anyway. And went shopping.

Belinda, this is a fool's errand. It'll be shut. Belinda battled through the snowflakes into Harold's of London. Have we heard about Harold's before? It's been mentioned and it's like a cheap Harold's by themselves. Oh, this is when your dad doesn't mention them by name soon.

It bears no relationship to Harold's, okay? None. None. The footman, doorman and butlers greeted her with suspicious smiles. All of them? Or could she not work out what their role is and it's one person?

In their what opinion? In their hardened opinion. Right. So, she flashed her royalty-themed stockings. Royalty-themed! Like they've got the Queen on them. After a revealing curtsyy she was free to enter does that mean she like lifted a skirt up to reveal her do you ever see that time theresa may curtsied she just went way too far on the floor basically she's all limbs that woman why can't she get anything right and i

specifically mean physically like she can't she's like a bloody swan on a motor why can't she get anything right and i specifically mean physically like she can't she's like a bloody swan on a motorway isn't she dancing she is the greatest dancer she's the greatest dancer what floor is your sex toy department on it's an emergency she demanded third floor mom oh straight away just behind the tassel collection but before She demanded. Third floor, ma'am. Oh, straight away. Just behind the tassel collection, but before the topiary scissors. Third floor, ma'am. Just behind the tassel collection, but before the topiary scissors.

Replied a handsome butler in training. You're a lifesaver merry christmas she shouted as she hopped aboard the escalator on floor three she browsed the collection of bottom plugs and rectal trinkets with concentration Bottom plugs and rectal trinkets. Rectal trinkets does make it sound lovely. Does she sing that in the Little Mermaid song? We've got bottom plugs and rectal trinkets aplenty. Poochits and watchits galore. Rectal plugs? I got 20.

But who cares? She was quite taken with how tinsel had been ludicrously draped all over them. But as she looked longer, a tightening feeling in her stomach quickly extended to her left breast nipple. So what would that be then? That stomach ache is going to... Heartburn? Yeah, maybe. It was always that nipple when something wasn't quite right. I suppose we've heard of it.

Yeah, we thought we knew her body intimately by this point. It was true that she'd only been to the Duchess's house two or four times. Once, as far as we know. But she could swear to all of the Norse gods that the Duchess had every single product on display. Oh, so she's bought everything from Harold's before. That's her go-to. That must be where she gets all of her stock.

Which probably just went in and went, one of everything! And then bagged it up for her. Belinda felt sex aspiration for the first time in her life. Sex aspiration. Oh, she wants what the Duchess has got. Sex aspiration. Oh, so she's not exasperated, she's aspirational.

Ah. Sex aspiration. No matter how many times you say it it's really not making any more sense but then belinda saw the limited edition oh here we go festively wrapped upon purchase that's in brackets favorite piece exclusive to harolds of london in the very center of the sex toy department of Harold's of London. I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Sorry, I need to breathe. One more time from the top? Yeah. But then Belinda saw the limited edition, festively wrapped upon purchase, favourite piece exclusive to Harold's of London in the very centre of the sex toy department of Harold's of London. There's no doubt where we are. There, in all its glory, sat on a miniature fake bed was a very long and very thick dildo. Oh God, how long and how thick? Belinda had never seen anything quite like it oh no despite her years of extensive

research in the area in large thick christmassy writing written with a big pen the store exclaimed proclaimed, behold, the Yule log lover. Oh, Lord. Log. That sounds very thick. Well, a log is long as well, isn't it? The Yule log lover. The Yule log lover. How many people are buying the Yule log lover, realistically?

Well, it's limited edition. I imagine maybe there's even just that one. Yeah, and it's festively wrapped upon purchase. Whether you like it or not. Yeah, because actually they've got to sell it for Christmas, haven't they? Otherwise that's going straight into sale. Yeah, exactly. Or are they bespoke?

Oh, maybe. Maybe they kind of lumberjack it down to whatever length you want it. Hack it. Whittle it into whatever you need, yeah. Splintery, though. Varnish it. Guys, get your drinks ready. What?

Belinda bling. Oh, lovely. Hey, Merry Christmas. one and all oh yes this would do for her sexual mentor and mistress she thought content with her by now lovingly festively wrapped upon purchase gift why do you keep saying that Belinda glanced at her watch and realised she only had 20 minutes to get back to Steel's pots and pans. She has to go back. You see, Santa was visiting before his workload properly started that night. Oh, she's not going to fuck Santa, please.

Please. Is it real Father Christmas? Is rocky imagining the actual hard christmas the actual james the actual belinda had always wanted to kiss the ring of father christmas i mean he didn't really talk about rimming before and now he can't get enough can he oh kiss well what do you think it means no No, kissing the ring's a phrase. Kissing the ring of Santa Claus. I've never said that to a child or had said that to me when I was a child. No, but like kissing the ring...

Kiss the ring of Santa Claus now, dear. Come on, Sonny. It's a sign of deference, isn't it, to kiss the ring? It's a sign of deference. Yes, to a medieval king and not to Santa. Not to kiss the anus of Saint Nick. If anything, it's highly unpleasant. Inappropriate.

It's not in any of the stories. Belinda had always wanted to kiss the ring of Father Christmas, so she wasn't going to miss her meeting up time. About 43 minutes later... 23 minutes late. Beli... Oh, yeah. Belinda Blumenthal was the last person

to enter the grotto of presents. Wait, sorry. Have a grotto at work for all the adult staff. They don't even bring their kids in. Well, they're all there to kiss the ring. It wouldn't be appropriate, would it? To bring the kids in. Keep the kids far, far away.

So about 43 minutes later, Belinda Blumenthal was the last person to enter the grotto of presents, lovingly constructed by Maeve and Patrick O'Hamlin earlier that afternoon. Oh, that is quite nice. The allotted space was mediocre. What, she's not very impressed by what they've created?

There was a tree and a barrel of mead. Well, that's not required. So, tick, tick so far for Christmas. A barrel of mead? Where have they got mead from What is mead is that like honey beer Yeah it's like beer made of honey There was a tree

And a barrel of mead Which Sir James had made Oh no which Sir James had made Tony pay for out of petty cash I love the idea that you'd be like What do you think the staff would like to drink out of petty cash. I love the idea that you'd be like, what do you think the staff would like to drink? Well, everyone drinks mead,

so I guess get mead. There was a tree and a barrel of mead, which Sir James had made Tony pay for out of petty cash. There was a reindeer, but there wasn't a snowman. A real reindeer? There wasn't a fireplace with dancing candles. It's not Beauty and the Beast. But there was't a snowman. A real reindeer? There wasn't a fireplace with dancing candles. It's not Beauty and the Beast.

But there was a Santa. I should hope so, otherwise it's just a Christmassy room. Her expectations are pretty damn high. Yeah. There's a reindeer. An actual real life reindeer. Yeah, there's a fucking animal in there. But there was a Santa.

He looked tired and had a white beard, red suit. Suit? Calm down. Black boots and a lumpy-looking pot belly. In short, the evening had not been kind to this specimen of Xmas tide. But wait, she's implying that he started the night young, thin and fresh-faced and what the day being in the grotto has taken its toll. 20 minutes with Bella on his lap. In her fucking Dickensian bonnet.

Jesus. Three, two, one. Oh, hello, Santa. Chill out. Belinda Gushed. So, so good to see you again. Do you think she still believes in Santa? Well, I'm worried what Gushed means, to be honest.

So, so good to see you again. Again, like it's the same guy. She does, she believes in him. Santa ho-ho-hoed and proffered her to sit on his fat lap. Oh, a fat lap. She didn't blink once, feeling somehow at home in this plastic environment.

But deep inside, Belinda Blumenthal was furious. What? She's fuming. Why? How rude of him not to remember me. She thought to herself more than anyone else in particular. She thinks Santa's

real. She thinks this is Santa. Clearly. No one's told her. No. Do you think there are grown-ups that have never been told? Yeah. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. I thought Santa was real till I was about 13. No, you didn't. But I was always suspicious because the letter from Santa was always in my auntie's handwriting. Does ring alarm bells, doesn't it? I was like,

this looks awfully like Geraldine's handwriting, mother. You know what Rocky used to do with us, though? Have I told you the story? Did he write it with his left hand? No, on Christmas Eve, we'd all go to bed and then he would dress up as Santa and creep in to put our stockings in so that if we did wake up we would see actual Santa that's incredible and I did see it once

I like kind of peeked and I was like oh fucking shit that's so magical it was amazing that's so cute so all the dads out there dress as Santa

I always feel bad because obviously you have to leave like milk couple of carrots for the reindeer yeah yeah some brandy

and the carrots were always bitten into I was like they just eat that whole carrot just for the illusion I'm sure they spit it out how rude of him not to remember me she thought to herself more than anyone in particular but before long empathy and a deep desire took hold oh good she thought about her own christmas schedule and reasoned that santa claus much like herself must meet many people this time of year.

What are you talking about, James? You cannot be right. Soon, Belinda was where she had fantasised about all year long. Oh, God. Santa's earlobe via his bent knees. She dreamt she'd be in Santa's earlobe all year. Oh, she's not tonguing it. She's whispering in it. She began to make Christmas cocktail party small talk. Sorry.

This is batshit. Even for your dad, this is mad. How have you been? How are the kids? What are you doing for the holidays? What are you doing for New Year? No, I don't like to celebrate it either. It's a pointless holiday.

So, how many gifts have you personally wrapped so far, Papa Noel? I'm embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'm embarrassed by this whole production. No! Belinda always felt the exotic flourish was the most sexy way to any man's charcoal heart. Oh, and Papa Noel's really exotic, being French and all.

Too many to count. Oh! Oh! Good Santa Claus! That's fantastic! You're literally going to ruin Santa for everyone. But that's not important. Is it Aslan?

More like Mufasa. Ho, ho, ho. The question on my hair smothered lips is, have you been a good girl this year? No. I love this voice, though. No, she hasn't. Belinda was aghast.

Was Babu Natale flirting with her? Who? Sorry? Baguette who? Babu Natale flirting with her? Who? Sorry. I could tell who. Babbo Natale. What's Babbo Natale? Shall I? Who could I?

Babbo. Babbo Natale. Okay. Babbo Natale. I think it's Italian. It's the Italian for Father Christmas. Babbo Natale. I think it's Italian. It's the Italian for Father Christmas. Babbo Natale. Babbo Natale. Belinda was aghast. Was Babbo Natale flirting with her?

Stop it. Whatever next, she thought. The Easter Bunny taking her up the jacksy. Oh God. I literally don't know where to look anymore. But she would play along in the spirit of a steals, pots and pans Xmas. No. I'm sad to admit that I've been a bad person, St. Nicholas. Another one. Number three.

That's your St. Nick. There you go. Another one. Nick. Number three. It's just like Nick. There you go. I've only converted 56% of MQLs from the marketing department this quarter of this financial year.

MQL, help me out. Main quarter. Marketing qualified lead. Oh. What does that mean? Don't know. Does he know? I've only converted 56% of MQLs from the marketing department this quarter of this financial year.

Oh, that's not on. Is it Sir James Godwin dressed as Santa? Is this how they do appraisals at Steals Pots and Pounds? Yeah. Have you been a good girl this year? Are sales up? Have you been good? Oh, that's not on, a deflated Santa said.

But I know it, because I am Santa, and Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice. Then why ask? Anyway, what would you like for Christmas? Belinda thought hard and rubbed her bottom on his velvet lap harder still. This is Santaanta she's grinding on santa it's nothing holy it's nothing sacred what would mrs claus say her mind pictured the gift she'd just purchased and bit her lip i long for a genital gerbil. Sorry. Mr. Father Christmas, sir.

Mr. Father Christmas, sir! She whispered. Oh, wait, is a genital gerbil like the rampant rabbit? Is that your dad's version? I long for a genital gerbil, Mr. Father Christmas, sir. She whispered. Santa spat out his hastily taken gulp of eggnog. I long for a genital gerbil, Mr. Father Christmas, sir, she whispered. Santa spat out his hastily taken gulp of eggnog.

Oof. You know what I mean? Spat eggnog in your face. I thought it was fucking mead as well. Yeah, I was going to say, even Santa's shunned the mead. But Santa is no one's fool. As the old saying goes. What does it do? He asked.

I think you can guess. Well it stimulates the click, Kris Kringle. Kris Kringle! Four. Hang on what have we had? Kris Kringle. Oh actually we're probably on five. Kris Kringle, Mr. Father Christmas Sir. Yeah. Santa. Santa. Baba Ganoush Baba Natal.

Papa Noel. And Papa Noel. Five. Belinda twizz. Baba Natal. Papa Noel. And Papa Noel. Five. Belinda twizzled his beard with her fingernails. He looked at her. As an experienced lord of Lapland. Lord of Lapland? Does that count? Yeah.

Six. So will he know the Duchess? Because he's a lord. As an experienced lord of Lapland, he knew she would want to fuck him. And that involved the penis. Why are we speaking like this? Also, please, please don't say she fucks Santa. Four minutes later, a very lucky Santa Claus was already naked and rampant.

Oh my God. Are we really going here? Belinda's tits shook with lust. For Santa, I'd like to reiterate the question of James's. Is it a man in a stock-on beard? Well, it doesn't say. We have to just go with it. I was going to say, I think at this stage, since he's not said,

I think it's an old Santa. An old Santa. A real old Santa. A Santa from the scrap heap. Oh God, Santa's it's an old Santa. A real old Santa. Santa from the scrap heap. Oh God, Santa's going to empty his sack. James. Belinda's tits shook with lust, whilst her nipples harded in anticipation.

Harded? My nipples have harded. Whilst her nipples harded in anticipation of what Mr Claus was about to do with her body. Oh, God. Her cervix tightened automatically. Don't. I mean, that's the least of my worries. We wish you a merry cervix. And a happy uterus.

Her cervix tightened automatically and her clitoris grew damp. Their tongues entwined in a love knot of deepest... They're twined, don't write serpent tongues. Their tongues entwined in a love knot of deepest understanding. They're shaking hands with their tongues. Each one of them needed a fuck as much as the other and no one, yes no one, was going to stop them now. Okay, two things. One, I'm pretty sure that Santa needs more of a fuck than Belinda.

I don't want to cast aspersions on his sex life. But I'm going to say... It's cold up in Lackland. Santa comes but once a year. That's what it means. Oh no! Father Christmas comes but once a year. Oh, very good.

Very good. Merry Christmas. So she's going to get stuck up his chimney. I think he'll get stuck in her chimney. Either or. Desperately unpleasant. And secondly, why do I feel like someone is going to stop them?

Oh, how do you think? Well, whenever he says, and no way is this thing going to happen, it usually means that thing is going to happen.

Father Christmas hoed at every new reveal of flesh. Ho, tip, ho, leg,

ho, ho, ankle, ho. He nuzzled her nipple, caressed her hair and licked her elbow ho tip ho leg ho ankle ho he nuzzled her nipple caressed her hair and licked her elbow fold oh god he's into some kinky shit

at last Blumenthal was his human selection box and he wasn't going to waste a bite oh but I always need one in a selection box bounty the bounty yeah or i'm not a fan of a fudge oh my god that's definitely what santa's eating first i don't even understand how this analogy i don't know what that means either but let's just move on let's just move on oh my's just move on. Oh my God. I'm delirious. Fucking hell. Sorry. Belinda is fucking a papanoa. Belinda is a human selection box.

Belinda screamed in final ecstasy. She had reached the top of her mountain and now the thrill of the zip wire took over. Santa Claus knew when he'd achieved his mission and achieved it he had. I bet he cums dust. No, it'll be glitter or something. He quickly

abandoned the mother load of the clitoris and thrust his juddering penis into Belinda's sopping wet vagina. It's Santa! Belinda shuddered. Her orgasm was showing no signs of abating. She was floating on top of the lily pond.

The iceberg of lust. Rocky lost it. Many, many moons ago. It puts the song, I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus in perspective, doesn't it? Yeah. Can you imagine if you witnessed this? I saw mummy violently shagging Santa Claus.

She was floating on top of the lily pond, the iceberg of lust. Sensations she'd never experienced kept flooding over her. Who was this man? Santa. This conductor of the sexual feelings. this man? Santa. This conductor of the sexual feelings. Why was she the chosen one to experience

the ultimate of all orgasms? Why? All I keep thinking about is how she's going to relay this to people after the event. She'll be like, guys, they fucked Santa Claus. It's brilliant. Yeah, yeah, but who was it? No, it was Santa Claus. No, it was Santa. In the grotto at work

that Maeve and fucking Paddy made. In front of a reindeer. Oh, that poor reindeer. That reindeer. It's going to be scarred for life. Rudolph is going to need therapy. Is it a horse in answers? Probably. It's an ass.

It's an ass or a dog. Oh, it's from the trust. Oh God, please give money. As she juddered and moaned, something had to give. And no one expected the oak-varnished sleigh to fall apart. Sorry, they're in a sleigh now. You didn't mention that with all the trimmings. But fulfilled they were.

Belinda got up. You really should work out more, Grandfather Frost. Seven. That is an even one more, Grandfather Frost. Seven! That is an even one. He's not Frost. He's not Jack Frost. You really should work out more, Grandfather Frost. Your unfit and your incessant huffing and puffing was very distracting. He's an old man.

How old do you think he is? He's got to be 80. But if she believes he's Santa, hundreds of years old. But Santa, he wasn't listening. That was unbelievable what you just did to me. Santa said. I will grant you three wishes. This never happens. I

never ejaculate. Oh, Papa Noel, sure. You have made me feel human again, at last. Good, said Belinda, as she pulled up her red and white thong. Oh, and before I forget, I need to get this Yule Log lover up to the Duchess's castle in Scotland. Can you drop it off when you run tonight? I assume you'll swing past the area.

Belinda! It's not Santa! Well, said Santa, deflated. Why's he always so deflated? Well. It's his biggest night of the year. I'm not really Santa Claus. Peels mask off.

As he pulled off his white beard Oh my god, who is it from the office? No, ho ho no It was Des Martin Oh my god, stay Oh, Des Martin Oh god Christmas is cancelled, forget it You're ruining our play Play? Oh, Des Martin. Oh, God.

Christmas is cancelled. Forget it. You're ruining our play. Play? Is this a nativity? Is this a piece? This is a fucked nativity. Oh, does he mean role play?

Oh, yeah, but that makes sense. Of what they're in a kind of little tryst. It's all a little game. You're ruining our play. So she didn't think it was Santa. Wait, are they going to turn around? There's loads of kids watching the play. And the moral of the story is... Don't have sex till you're 50.

Oh, that's a relief. I thought she was genuinely, like, going insane. No, this is a Royal Shakespeare Company production, apparently. Sorry, boss. I just got too excited with all the Christmas-ness. What he got too excited so he like he came

he was supposed to be in full method. He just like ripped off his disguise. So one white beard we presume either on elastic or glue

has disguised Des Martin. And she shagged him before. No because obviously she knew. She's seen him naked. But she was in a role play or a play. Oh, right.

So it wasn't like she actually thought that it was Santa. Right, right, right. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. So this whole thing's been a... So actually she's been doing the incredible performance. Yeah. Well, get that beard back on stat.

I haven't finished with Santa yet. Oh, God. Yes, sir. Who says yes, sir? Belinda blinked an X-mas blink and jumped back onto his north pole of desire. Oh, my God, stop. Very good.

Very good, Rocky. Very lovely. For a very merry Christmas, one and all. And that is your festive film. Oh! And that is your festive film. And that's the end of Christmas forever. Yeah, I'm done. No.

Actually, I suppose he kind of clawed it back at the end, didn't he? Clawed it back. Clawed it back, very nice. He's an interesting character, Des Martin. He's obviously got quite a theatrical bent to him. And let's face it, he's got nothing to do at Christmas. Yeah, well, his wife left him. But that's what I mean.

It's a sad time for him. A little shag in the grotto and then back to his bed sit. To be fair, he's getting some at Christmas. Good on him. Yeah, I guess so. Well, that's put me in a mood. I don't know if it's a festive mood, but a mood. Do you think everyone's taking their mistletoe down right now just to prevent anything like this happening?

Every Santa's grotto will be evacuated in all of the UK. I feel like this is the definition of a bad grotto. So I'm not going to leave like a mince pie and stuff out this year for Santa. I'm going to leave a condom. Oh, God. Come on, kids. Leave the Trojan out. Oh, no. Does that mean when they wake up in the morning, it's used? Oh, God. Come on, kids. Leave the Trojan out. Oh, no.

Does that mean when they wake up in the morning, it's used? Oh, God. Just the torn wrapper. Yeah. So sorry, everybody. That's gross. On that note. Really?

That's the note you're going to leave it on? Well, in less sordid news, we're recording our HBO special. Yes, we are. And we can exclusively reveal it will be this march in london yes there will be tickets available there will and we'll be announcing very very soon how you can get your hands on some there won't be loads so keep your eyes peeled on our social media and sign up to our mailing list over at my dad or porno.com so when you say not a lot available will it be more kind of grotto seating it'll be grotto seating there'll

be santa there to cheer everyone up. In March. Or the Easter bunny. I don't know. Sounds like he gets around as well. Not at the Jack's. Come on. Oh.

Well, it's a very Merry Christmas from us. And of course, Rocky, he sends his best to all of you lovely listeners. And you two as well. Oh, thanks. And we'll see you all in 2019 for Belinda Blinked 5.