My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 5 - Part One

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Jamie, Alice and James are back to read a festive chapter from Rocky that is so long, it can't be digested in one sitting. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas Special 2020. Oh, James, Alice, how have you both been? Good year? Hasn't it been quiet? I have had no anxiety. I've been totally calm at all times, never panicked.

It's been absolutely fine. I mean, it feels weird to actually be doing this, doesn't it? It does. It feels really odd. Does it feel a probes? We should say we are socially distanced. Oh, we're miles away. I can barely see you. I know. Yeah, we've had to come to the only place that could fit us all in whilst distancing,

which is Jamie's country pile. No, Manor. Yeah, his Manor. So we're in your great hall. Thank you. It's nice to see you both. This is so bizarre. Yeah, you too.

We haven't been in the same room since we celebrated your birthday in September. Yes, and I nearly burnt my flat down, if I remember. Yeah, even though we ordered in, which was quite strange. What have been your go-to distraction techniques i've completed netflix i've watched everything on there i was even watching like something home maker mr christmas's festive home makeovers or whatever what are you talking about i was desperate there was nothing to do do you know what i started watching from the beginning? I'm not mad at it. What? Dawson's Creek. Yes! Shut up. Where is that on?

It's on Netflix, isn't it? I can quote it. I used to watch it as a kid growing up. I loved Dawson's Creek. That totally missed me. Like, the whole thing passed me by. You were either an OC or a Dawson's Creek person. What if you were neither?

Doesn't bear thinking about. Social pariah, I think. I mean, the whole thing is totally ludicrous and so cheesy but thrilled absolutely thrilled by it well you guys know that um porn hub gave everyone free membership during lockdown so that's what i've been doing joking not joking did they really yeah yeah because they were saying like you couldn't have sex with people yeah even your partner you had to like do it from behind or wear a mask or which you mocked before alice levine but it is true you had to do it doggy or nothing although that was covid saying yeah because you can't breathe on people you see so doggy or be as far away from

each other's mouths or like against a wall i mean i guess anything where you're just not facing each other i mean doggy or nothing that's very extreme i mean like be creative it also sounds like a rocky flintstone chapter title i feel like everybody that's been into gimp masks for years has like finally vindicated they're like i told you jayma i'm just looking at your lovely christmas tree oh yes oh actually i've heard a couple of gifts for you actually oh speaking of christmas trees i didn't know you were doing gifts don Neither did I. Don't get too excited. They are Christmas decorations for both of your anatomies, but in a festive way. What does that mean? I don't know.

So, James. Yes. Oh, that's amazing. It's an aubergine emoji. Is this the right size? That's beautiful. Thank you. You're welcome.

And then Alice, your little avocado vajayjay. There you go. It's the avocado vajayjay there you go it's the avocado for vajayjay well it was the closest i could get i think it's technically a taco isn't it i mean i'm no expert but it doesn't look like that i'm sure it hasn't got a rotten pip in the middle you know what it's it's close enough is it green james it's definitely glittery alice's is full-on vajazzle um explain to me some of these decks on your tree i've got a dove a bird of peace I see there.

Yeah. My eye is drawn to the crab. It's a crab. That's like a family joke. I'm not going to fill you in on. Because one of the family got crabs one Christmas and now we always talk about it. Because my sister lives in Crab Key,

so it's a bit of a thing. And then there's a really cool one of the Royal Albert Hall. Oh yeah, and there's a pomegranate I see oh that's a nice little humble brag hanging on your Christmas tree oh I've played there so I don't worry about it I basically get a decoration from every Royal concert hall that I've played in and no no dad got at me to say well done for playing all right guilt for god's sake have a laugh once in your life I gave him one the same Christmas really yeah have you got Sydney Opera House on there

oh no what a smug little family is that you on a bauble what's that one up there that's Mozart oh right I want to act James

I brought that with you when we were in Salzburg oh yeah don't talk about trips I wasn't on every decoration on my tree has a story. Of course it does. Of course it does.

There's no, I bought six from Tesco and that's why they're there. Of course, every bauble tells a tale. I collect them, Levine, all right? I collect them. No, we're messing, but it is a lovely tree, James. Thank you very much. Well, I thought, you know, festive,

let's get in the mood because we are reading yet another Christmas Belinda adventure while we're thinking festively was there a christmas present that stands out from your youths that really made an impression i remember getting the tracy island one year do you remember oh my god yes thunderbirds because i've made the blue peter version the year before i bet it looked lovely it was so shit um that my parents bought me the real one the next christmas because they were quite sought after that you couldn't get one

for love no money they were the buzz light year of the 80s i mean the one that sticks out is getting a bike and it sticks out because it was so badly wrapped i was like oh angelo what could it be two handles and wheels so yeah bike i guess is like the best was it the what i can't remember what your question was best present yeah yeah the one that stood out i feel like you asked this so you could just tell us what yours was what would you yeah well i actually can't think what i got but i certainly remember a particular christmas list that i wrote um and as you can imagine precocious and um demanding but i russell sprout sandwiches the recipe brother that's all I want

a bread machine I actually thought that you could ask for anything and it was free I guess when you're like six you think that Santa's bringing it so I guess it is free in your mind

because obviously it's just your parents not to shatter that illusion for anyone listening to I mean if you listen to this podcast at the point you should probably know that Santa's not real

your childhood's already ruined I think I got into my teens before I let go of Santa Shout out that illusion for anyone listening to this. I mean, if you listen to this podcast at the moment, you should probably know that Santa's not real. Your childhood's already ruined, so. I think I got into my teens before I let go of Santa. Are you fucking joking? No. Shut up. What do you mean when you say let go? Let go. What am I saying, man?

Were you in denial or did you know? You're the older sibling too, so did your sister believe? My sister told me. I bet Kelly knew it like five. Oh my God, your little sister being like, James, sit down, I need to tell you something. Yeah, it was part like wanting to go on, like, I was just a child who loved the magic of it all. James, you weren't a child. I was just a university student that loved the magic of it all.ames you weren't a child i was just a university student that loved the magic of

it all was there a family intervention oh my god did you believe in santa when we met you no no no no no no but did everybody gather around and then did you walk in the room and it was just loads of members of your family no no my sister like just one day like offhand was just like james you know santa's not real and i was like of course um but yeah I I don't get me wrong like I had questions before I was but I went I just don't get me wrong I was curious um and I think I've said before like the handwriting on Santa's card looks suspiciously like my aunties and things like that but I just went along with it because I liked it Jamie do you know the thing that worries me all he said is. He hasn't said whereabouts.

No, I said 12 or 13. I'm really starting to wish I hadn't. No one listens to this, do they? Hopefully not. Not anymore. A few years ago, yes. I can't believe you were at secondary school. That could have been devastating.

Jamie, edit this out. It sounds like I wish I controlled the edit. So there's a book, something, a chapter we're reading? There is a chapter. Do you know what? Actually, I have to controlled the edit. So there's a book, something, a chapter we're reading? There is a chapter. Do you know what? Actually, I have to tell you something. I'm just imagining James, like the day after Kelly told him, swinging into the room like, guys, you know, Santa's not real.

Everyone's like, yeah. Mum, sit down. You're not going to believe this. You never guessed what I heard. Can't say my source. Your poor mother was like, finally, we don't have to fucking pretend this ridiculous pretense anymore. James going to bed at 6 Your poor mother was like, finally, we don't have to pretend this ridiculous pretense anymore. James going to bed at 6pm

she's like, it's fine. Look, Rudolph has eaten the carrot mother. Angela like, I can't bite into another mince pie and drink another bit of brandy. So, what we have today I feel it needs a bit of explaining. Always.

But even more than normal. Because Dad's gone very, what's the word? Mad. Ambitious. Right. Concerning. Yeah. He's kind of written an epic.

Which means like a whole book. It's really fucking long. So I think, I'm not sure we're going to get it all in today. Just to pre-warn you. So what, split it? Let's see how we go, but we might have to come back. I'm up sure we're going to get it all in today, just to pre-warn you. So what, split it? Let's see how we go, but we might have to come back. I'm up for two. I've got nothing else to do.

I've got nowhere to be. You've got today from me, and that's it. She's a pissing woman. If you could whiz through it, that'd be fine. Well, hopefully we will get it done, but if we don't, I'm just pre-warning you. All right, all right. And the conceit of this one. There's a conceit. He doesn't know what a conceit is

lord above sweet baby Jesus in that manger he's kind of based it on our family favourite Christmas movie oh god what

are we going to get sued I hope not what's it called again the one about the old man and he's not nice what's that one oh it's a wonderful life

that's it is that what it is it's called it's a blinking life wow he's really covered his bases there we can't have him for it so have you both seen that movie because if you haven't this could be a very long day i saw it for the first time last year it's about a guy who wishes he'd never been born and then he sees what the world would have been like if he had never been born. So this is about Belinda?

Yes. But to the tune of It's a Wonderful Life? Indeed. Bella's going to be like that little girl who's like, what does she say?

Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings! Yes. Oh God. He's visited by his guardian angel, basically. Yeah, it's coming back to me.

I did watch it years ago but I did fall asleep in a bit of it so this will be a great reminder. It is long. It's really long long it's longer than you recall and so is this chapter okay are we are we ready so ready merry christmas guys merry christmas everyone lovely to see you see you next christmas this has become a tradition like no other this is a tradition that i've kept up more probably than any other christmas tradition yeah this i would not miss for the world same i'm so excited to be here yeah it's a fun one isn't it

okay jamie wants to get in and get out he keeps glancing pointedly at the clock he keeps being like we haven't started yet this fucking chapter is that's all okay belinda blinked it's a blink in life snow is falling all around me children playing okay just copying and pasted a little. Having fun. This is not okay. We are going to get complaints. What is that? That's Merry Christmas, everyone.

Shaking Stevens. So, snow is falling all around me. Children playing. Having fun. Belinda thought... She thinks in song. Belinda thought, as she sat behind the wheel of her swank pants, Jaguar R Reg with regimented heat filtering.

But her mind was as mad as King George and as scared as a Spice Girl. I'm sorry, what? Scared as a Spice Girl? She's scary. She's not scared. Oh. But King George was mad. yeah famously you see she had stolen a couple of ink cartridges from steels pots and pans to print off her festive newsletter

oh god around robin oh to be on that mailing list see those families that do newsletters at christmas i'm obsessed with them oh gertrude has gone to university this year i'm very proud of her no one cares are they a very british phenomenon because do you receive one yeah well mainly like from people that we don't see anymore yes probably you know clue in the title did your family send one alice i feel like no if everyone present the levines would be the one to do it okay i resent that um sorry if we have a lot of news that we want to share with our loved ones alice is doing her fifth christmas special very proud of her she hopes to find another vehicle soon um yeah they're always really pedestrian aren't they it's always like linda got a new cookbook and she's really enjoying exploring some fantastic recipes it's like yeah it's always people with no lives that share it with everybody that they don't know but

they still manage to fill two sides of A4. Like, how much fucking news have you got? Hopefully this year they'll be very short. And also,

everyone's pet gets their own paragraph. Oh, for God's sake. I feel like we're all thinking of a very specific family that they receive it from and let's hope

they're not listening to this. So Belinda's one of those people. But then, hang on, Belinda's just sending her own about herself. It's not even a family one. It's just like, I'm fine.

Dear diary. Shagged a few people this year. Here's the list of people I've shagged. Oh my God. Yeah, that's what it'll be, won't it? Oh my God. Naughty and nice. Yeah.

So you see, she had stolen a couple of ink cartridges from Steeles Pots and Pans to print off her festive newsletter. And that's what she's scared about. It was wrong, Alice. It is wrong. Illegal, even. newsletter and that's what she's scared about it was wrong alice it is wrong illegal even and she was sure that sir james would find out and fire her perfectly shaped ass cheek by cheek jowl by jowl um it goes straight to sir james does it when stuff like that happens when ink cartridges go missing i don't i mean i don't know how you feel but i think that's part and

parcel of working in an office maybe not not two cartridges. I mean, how many should she print him off? But a few envelopes, a highlighter. Yeah, but also, aren't they dealing with, like, corporate espionage and shit? I feel like he's got bigger fish to fry. Where's the cartridges? Also, she's fucking in the office. That will be my first warning.

Seriously? She kept wishing... Ah. She kept wishing she'd never been born. And the snow... This is part of the... Yeah, yeah. Sorry, come in.

Thanks. Sorry, the ink cartridges. God, I wish I'd never been born. I'm such a bloody criminal. She kept wishing she'd never been born. And the snow was as heavy as her luscious bosoms bouncing on each and every hump bump of the poorly maintained A-road of ruralish Heathrow.

I beg your pardon, what? Of ruralish Heathrow? Not an area? Also, not rural at all around Heathrow. All I'm thinking is about... What is it, actually? Maybe it is. I mean, well, Heathrow is just the airport, so I don't know if you could describe an airport as rural. A landing field.

There's some grass. I suppose it's not in a highly built up urban area because it's an airport. Nice. She's crying over it. What? This is the biggest overreaction. I should say, in the film, he jumps in a river. But because... Like, isn't there a lot more build-up?

Like, his life's really gone to shit. Yeah, there's like a good two hours worth. Yeah. As she slowly drowned in the polluted mess of a waterway not often used for swimming, let alone dying. Jesus! Is this water used for dying? Not that often, no. Someone grabbed her extended nipples and pulled her up the riverbank to safety.

Who's strolling around by rural-ish Heathrow by the river to pull her out by a nip? Well, James, funny she'd ask. Opening her eyes, she was confronted by none other... Oh, God. ...than James Spooner. Really? You sure? Famously dead, but cool.

Oh, sorry, I'm twigging. You're twigging? I'm twigging. Writer's note. Writer's note, everybody. We've got a writer's note. Writer's note Everybody we've got a writer's note Writer's note Spoons is now spelt with two zeros As he's no longer a double O agent

And thus has no number What? Let's just move on Since when has he started slotting in writer's notes? Well it is odd because James Spooner is spelt S-P-0-0-N-E-R So I think he feels a need to explain that sorry now he's not a double o-h he doesn't have a number but now he's got a number in his name it makes no sound it's so weird what

a weird time we're living in also the best stories are the ones that have to be explained you don't usually get a footnote in a novel that's usually in an academic piece of writing the reason i've said this you might not have found this funny but i'll tell you for why spoons i thought you were dead we all did she cluttered through bog water cluttered is that like she's got a bit of mouth same same close enough i guess i am i'm your friend angel i've just twigged Yeah He's the one who's going to show her her life Sure, sure I just

I thought I just thought he'd ignored the fact that he was dead Which I won't put past him Also Barely reaction to being pulled out of a river by a ghost Crying about stealing ink cartridges I am I'm your friend angel.

Not guardian, just friend. Friend. Friend angel. Classic friend angel. Belinda blinked. Hooray! Little sippy sip. The bog water slowly drained out of her overworked orifices

and Belinda Blumenthal... She'd sucked it up in her orifices. She wasn't in there very long. Image of it coming out of her ears. I didn't picture it coming out of her ears. Oh yeah, you're right. Drained out of her overworked orifices and Belinda Blumenthal shook her head,

determined to finish it. I'm truly fucked, Spoons. And the fact that I'm seeing you, talking to you, is because I'm dead, isn't it? So fuck off. Such an unusual reaction to a guardian angel, friend angel. And also the fact that she's

come to terms with her death almost immediately. Yeah, she really has. And also, would you say fuck off to the one person that's there to guide you? I'd be like, well, thank God you're here. Spoons shifted uncomfortably on his strumming lyre. That's called a lyre? A lyre?

Isn't that like an oldie guitar? It's like a harp, isn't it? Why has he got a sitar? What is a lyre? Yeah, I think it is, isn't it? Oh, so he's fully dressed as an angel with like a white gown. Wait, what does Ravi Shankar play?

Lyres are what's on the, on like a Guinness, right? Is that a lyre? Oh, a bit harpy. Okay. Yeah, I think. Also, did you say sitting on it? It would be uncomfortable. Well, I guess because like cherubs perch on them, don't they? Oh, yes. But they're babies. He's a full grown man. Yeah. He's like in his forties with a five o'clock shadow. He probably still believes in Father Christmas. Spoons shifted uncomfortably on his strumming lyre

and answered through grated teeth. This is so stupid. What an image! This is her favourite tradition. Belinda, you're not dead. Oh, gracious, this is even more poignant, isn't it? What a beautiful tribute to Sean Connery. Yeah, it's not what he would have wanted.

I think he lives on through Spooner, who is also dead. Anyway. Belinda, you're not dead. It's just that you're not really alive either. So she is dead. Spoons trailed off

lamely. Thanks for the clarity, Jimbo. Wondering if God was still in the office for a bit of an end of the day chat. The way that your dad thinks that not only the mortal world, but the celestial world is organised is incredible. I feel like he's laying the groundwork for like a heaven spin-off, where like they're all in this office having orgies. I'm here for it.

Belinda laughed and quickly replied, You're dead. I'm dead. You're a dead loss. Always have been. I'm a dead thief. Always wanted to be. Well, you're not dead. You've just been told you're between death and living. Also, you haven't always wanted to be a dead thief. When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was a dead thief.

Do you want to be when you grow up? Deadly. A thief and dead. He has always been a dead loss, though, to be fair. He is useless. Can we have that line again? That was fine. Yes.

You're dead. I'm dead. You're a dead loss. Always have been. I'm a dead thief. Always wanted to be. I feel like he just did it for the rhythm. The silence echoed around the muddy riverbanks.

Silence? All she's done is gab. Also, how does silence echo? We haven't got time. We're only four sentences in. And apparently it's really long, which is all I keep thinking. Spoons had no answer. Okay. Care to explain your...

So, Belinda broke the silence after about five minutes. Oh, that was you being silent? It was quite a long bit in the chapter. That was beautifully performed, because I actually thought he was looking for something. Really nice. Sorry, is there just, like, gaps on the page? How big are we talking?

Oh, good page worth. A page worth of gap. So, what's the score? Do we get luncheon vouchers for the canteen or is it just self-service? Luncheon vouchers? That's your first question. Also, what's a luncheon voucher? Is that even from this era or country?

That'll have to wait. For now, we're going to take a little trip. Hop onto the back of my lyre. It's not a vehicle. It's an instrument. Strum a D chord. Don't knock the L off the learner plate. Oh my god, it's an E class lyre.

He's still learning to drive his lyre. Well, he's only recently dead, I suppose, isn't he? Not how it works. Yeah, sorry, Jamie, you're right. So yeah, they put an L plate on his lyre. What world do we live in? And they're near an A road. You know he's going to get on that A road. So, for now, we're going to take a little trip.

Hop onto the back of my liar. Strum a D chord. Don't knock off the L for learning a plate. And we'll get going. Also, can I just say, if I was Belinda, I'd be like, sorry, what's a D on a liar? Yeah, there's a lot of assumed knowledge there. You do know how I'd be like, sorry, what's a D on a lyre? Yeah, there's a lot of assumed knowledge there.

You do know how to play a lyre, right? A strum a D, go. What? I'm not getting on that thing. I thought you were an angel, Belinda protested. I still need to get my wings. Right, okay. Why is the heaven... James just put his hands together in prayer.

Help me God. Why is the heaven world more thought out than the Belinda Blinked world? So much detail. Yeah, so many rules and so much thought. I still need to get my wings. You see, every time a bell end comes, an angel gets its wings.

Very good. Very good. Every time a bell end comes What an angel gets its wings Yes A bell end comes Just the bell end Just the tip

I'm waiting for mine So every time someone comes Somewhere a friend angel gets swings That must be happening a lot I was going to say people are coming last night in sentence Christmas time as well

I hope you think about that next time you're having sex no don't because next time you're having sex everyone will think oh god an angel

just got his wings oh god no don't because everyone who listens to this genuinely the next next time you masturbate

have sex you're going to be thinking it I guarantee you that's so true that's really going to ruin a lot of fun just a bellend though right not when a woman comes no just a bellend belinda replied with a sour whatever spoons just make it snappy spooner revved up the little 50cc

liar i was joking about e-class but we are actually getting a full spec. And off they both chugged through a thick cloud bank of swirling mist. Cloud bank. He really evokes an image, doesn't he? That non-existent cloud bank. What is a cloud bank? Suddenly the clouds cleared, like on a screensaver. What a screensaver! On the screensaver of clouds, we presume. What, like the Windows Media Player screensaver you gotinda what a screensaver on the screensaver of clouds we presume like the

windows media player screensaver you got back in the day that's definitely what i did have clouds on it didn't it there you go and belinda could see earth beneath her more than that it was somewhere she loved to go it was the beloved pentra hotel of her glee team days. Hang on, she's by Heathrow and she's flown out of the atmosphere to go about half a mile? If that, Pentra Hotel's by Heathrow. It is. As the crow flies, not the quickest route. Yeah, he needs a few more lessons, I would say. Food and Chardonnay, she instantly thought.

Spoon apart the liar in the car park, lock the steering, and they ambled into the pentra's long bar. I would say, how sad is it if you've died or nearly died and the thing that you miss is going to the pentra, but how much are you missing pubs? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, so much.

So actually, for once, I don't think that that's ridiculous i do think to just be sat in a pub with a pint to be in the penthouse right now oh to be in the penthouse at the long bar with paddy the barman oh what i wouldn't give well guys you're there paddy the barman was on duty of course well that's lucky and belinda approached him with a big smile paddy she shouted high-fiving him. Paddy looked up from cleaning a glass and ignored her completely. Can't see it. So we're going to find out how Paddy the barman's doing without Belinda in his life.

I would say, exactly the same. Paddy! Kiwi! Hiya! It's me, Belinda. You know, steals pots and pans. Those officers just down the road. Question, how long is she not going to get it for?

Because if it's any longer Than this I'm going to be livid He's already explained What he's doing there He's a friend angel So cotton on quick Paddy looked at her

And then said to Spoons Don't know what her game is son But Steals pots and pans Were absorbed into Bish Herstal Over five years ago So what's your poison So he didn't ignore her

because he can't see her. Just ignored her. It's like he's fucking loon at the bar going, Cooey, hello. Terrible barman just totally ignores his patrons. Not to shatter the logic,

but he can see her. He also remembers her, so it's not like she didn't exist. No, he's like, who's this woman? Never seen her before. So why would he give the update on... Because she asked. Yeah, she mentioned Steel's Pots and Pans. Hey, Cooey, it's this woman? Never seen her before. So why would he give the update on... Because she asked.

Oh, she mentioned... Yeah, she mentioned Steeles Pots and Pans. She said, hey, Cooey, it's Blinda, you know, from Steeles Pots and Pans down the road. And he's like, I don't know what her game is, son, but Steeles Pots and Pans were absorbed into Bish Herstalong over five years ago. Was he always Northern Irish, Paddy?

Don't know, but I'm making it up. It's been a year. I can't remember who's of what. He was certainly Irish, but I don't know if he's Northern Irish. Wow, so Steeles is a subsidiary, not even even like the controlling company it's just a branch of bish yeah sorry without belinda it would be some kind of concession well you think about it though because belinda don't say you think about it well no because you think about it your brain explodes

but she's the one that like got helga from the fbi it was all kind of she's the one that got Helga from the FBI. It was all kind of started... She's the one that got Helga from the FBI. This is what I mean. Think about it and that's what he says. She's the one who got Gordon from the FBI. What? Do you know what I mean? Belinda spearheaded the whole kind of... Spearheaded?

I don't know. He's full of shit. Absolutely full of it. What's your poison? What's your point, more like? Spoons replied quickly. Two tonic waters. Ice and lemon, please, barman.

You're both dead or nearly dead. Get what you want. Yeah, exactly. I bet it's because he's driving. That's why. Belinda blinked. Just so offhand. Belinda blinked.

Cheers. But Paddy! Paddy Coo! Don't you recognise me? Belinda! Look! Belinda immediately pulled off her jacket and blouse and threw her bra behind Paddy.

She swiggled her wonderful tits in front of his nose and squealed, Surely you recognise me now? She's going to get arrested. God, you've ogled these tits so many times, it doesn't bear thinking about. Paddy reacted suddenly. Now, none of this sort of lewd behaviour in this hotel, madam. I try to run a porn-free environment, thank you. Porn-free.

So without Belinda, there'd be no porn. That's the thing, yeah. This whole world doesn't really operate with the same rules at all. Get out now. Oh, wow. This has escalated. Paddy threw Belinda's bra back over the bar. And what's more, you're barred for life. Oh, my God.

We don't want your short hair fidgeting with my irregulars. You'll have me in jail. Out. Why does everyone think they're going to jail? Belinda blinked again. I love that Belinda's still just not getting it. Spoons put the now half-naked Belinda on the back of his lyre and sped out of the Pentra car park

as fast as he could. What a useless trip. Belinda was moaning. Ambition steals! How did this ever happen, Spoons? So she does understand that bit. Yeah, something got in But Belinda, you told me you didn't want to work for Steels

You wanted to be dead Actions have consequences If you're gonna steal two cartridges The whole company will go to pot Can't you see it now? But Belinda was in denial It was all a dream And she'd wake up with a massive X-mas hangover.

A massive boner. Spooner's 50cc Liar. Stop it. Stop. Stop giving... It's like Mario Kart, you know, when they drive really bizarre vehicles. Spooner's 50cc Liar unsteadily hovered over the Steeles Pots and Pans car park. Oh, we're at the office. Well, actually it was a bomb blast site. Tony's Jaguar had just blown up as everyone had rushed out of the offices

very soon after an anonymous warning had been received. So, sorry, sorry, just get my head around this. We've gone back in time, which I didn't know the liar could do, by the head around this yeah we've gone back in time yeah which i didn't know the liar could do by the way 50 cc goes back in time um to the bomb to the bomb but the bomb wouldn't exist in this reality because bish already owned the whole thing over five years ago yeah so we've just gone are we like some sort of multiverse what the fuck is going on so yeah if it's an alternate universe there wouldn't have been any helga blueprint any of that would i mean would toffee apple

chew even be in this world oh my god let's hope so but that has happened apparently that still happened somehow we're now in a world where that has happened exactly and where's Slintz? All I hope is that he's safe, okay? I only wish him the best. My God, breathed Belinda. God, we were all so lucky to have survived. All, asked Spoons tersely. You sure about that? In an instant.

I love how clever he thinks he's being. It just makes no sense. Also because she's not getting it. So he's like, have another look. And she's like, what? In an instant, the scene changed in multicoloured hues to that of a hospital ward, right in front of a sign that read, Fertility Clinic.

Oh God. Exposition isn't as easy as you think oops wrong floor chuckle spoons oh for god's sake oh I love a little red herring little gag

little Christmas cheer for us for Rocky oops wrong floor chuckle spoons but Belinda stopped him revving up the chord C. She's apparently really proficient now. Prodigy. Did not know she was a lyre player.

No, no, wait, she said. For there. For there. There. For there. For there. For there. Stop saying for there for there for there are you saying feather for there for there for there you know when you say something too much you might forget the meaning

semantic satiation yeah for there sitting there nervous as a couple of virgins sat peter and christina rouse in the fertility clinic okay bear in mind we were going to skip past this so this can't be important because she said no actually let me look yeah and spitting just like no no we're going somewhere else so this isn't part of her education this isn't part of showing her what would have happened this This is just by the bys. This is not going to be important. They were sobbing into each other in Dutch, obviously out of their depth.

Obviously. Belinda approached them, now knowing the score. I cannot wait to hear Rocky deal with what I imagine is going to be quite an emotional, delicate subject of difficulty with fertility. Excuse me, lovely couple who I've never met. She winked to spoons. It's me. going to be quite an emotional delicate subject of difficulty with fertility excuse me lovely couple who i've never met she winked to spoons it's me oh yeah good one b may i ask the source of your problem no you may fuck off who are you the couple looked up at this stunning stranger

it is me i'm afraid miss i'm impotent peter Rouse is impotent. Oh, is that all? Belinda shrugged. I work with loads of impotent people. I wouldn't worry. How does she know that? What's going on? No! Cried Christina.

He can't get it up. Right. Okay. Bear with it, guys. Come on. Okay, keep going. Keep this train on the track. Christmas cheer.

Christmas cheer. Christmas cheer. Holidays are coming. Holidays are coming. Oh coming oh god you must believe in it you must believe in it so basically when peter has sex in this universe no friend angels are getting their wings never not one um and she's upset and they're sobbing in dutch belinda was amazed how could this be the same peter rouse who fucked her senseless in a medium-sized maze? Because we're in an alternative reality. What don't you get, Belinda, you fucking idiot woman? Sorry. Also, why is that the thing that shakes her from her belief system?

Like, she's fine with Steele's being part of Bish. She's fine flying on a liar. But as soon as Peter can't get a boner... What? What's happening? How could this be the same Peter Rouse who fucked a senseless in a medium-sized maze, but she kept her corporate cool? Oh, have no fear, madam.

May I try something on your hub? Oh my God. Can I just say the dialogue is even weirder than usual. Like the way they're talking to each other. May I try something on your hub? She spoke. Sure as a soothsayer. Anything.

We're desperate. Who's that? The rousers said in unison. Oh, crikey. Put that together. Let's hope they never speak in unison ever again. Should we do it, Al? So you're Christina and Peter.

Anything, we're desperate. Anything, we're desperate. Okay. Anything, we're desperate okay anything we're desperate smiling belinda pulled up her festive mini skirt and showed peter her fleshy fruit of fertility her fleshy fruit of fertility not terrible actually rubbing it in though in a fertility clinic she's rubbing it in oh sorry sorry sorry yeah a little bit insensitive. Oh, my wood.

I feel something, Peter exclaimed. This is so deeply offensive. The suggestion being that their fertility issue is that Christina can't make Peter hard. It's gross. Yeah. And that all that was required was for him to look at someone sexy. That's not a fertility issue. A fertility issue a fertility issue

isn't like um yeah we've done the test you don't fancy your wife your wife's a minger nothing we can do about that i'm afraid plastic surgery we think a rhinoplasty and an eye lift and then you should be able to have twins either you go blind or she changes her face completely you choose belinda blushed while taking his long Dutch donkey dick in her lady hands. And brushing it against her bush. Straight into that fruit salad. Peter's friend tingled and thumped from stump to tip. Sorry, what's Peter's friend? His penis?

His angel friend, yeah. His angel friend. His little angel friend. Belinda smiled at passing patients as she began working his prick in her lady hands. Afternoon, how are you? It's a rather unorthodox treatment that we offer here. His thick outer skin decorated...

Thick? Why is it so thick? Thick outer skin. Like an armadillo. Banana skin. Like an armadillo. Banana skin. His thick outer skin decorated with bulging worms of blood. Oh my word. Worms of blood. Does he mean veiny?

I guess. Worms of blood. His thick outer skin decorated with bulging worms of blood. Fucking hell. Moved up and down with each motion. It took an age. Fucking hell. It's so unrelatable. I mean, all of this is unrelatable, but who's about to go,

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, now I can picture it. Peter became a bit wobbly as he sensed a volcanic eruption from his boulders. Oh my God, if he hasn't come in a while, she's going to drown. They better make a call to the wing factory. There's going to be a big order. It'd be like flying ant season, wouldn't it? As he sensed a volcano... Let's get on to air traffic control, because let me tell you, the skies are going to be full! That's very funny.

I can't season it. I'm writing that down. As he sensed a volcanic eruption from his boulders, he began grunting words with a native flourish. he began grunting words with a native flourish. Het is in Gertzwander. Oh, is that Dutch? Yeah, do you want to maybe... Did you say Kuntzwander? Because then I think I know what it means.

I can Google it, Jamie, but I almost don't want to know. Do you need the spelling? Of course I do. So H-E-T. H, I didn't expect H. It's detected Dutch. Good news, everyone. Next word.

I-S is. Oh, right. Sorry. Right, fine. Okay. So far we've got it is. Next word. E-E-N.

A. And then. Okay. It is a. And then next word. This is the one we're worried about. Yeah. This is the one I couldn't work out.

K-E-R-S-T-W-O-w-o-n-d-e-r w-o wonder i wonder it's a christmas wonder couldn't agree more it's a christmas wonder oh that's quite a fun bit of language het is in cursed wonder that's lovely nice and now say it as if you're coming i mean that's not me. That's an impression of Peter. For the record. So maybe, James, do you want to just do that again? And then I'll be Belinda.

So you're Peter. You're going to be Peter. Guys, I'm going to be really embarrassed if I get turned on. Go on. Het is in Cursed Wunder. Excuse me, Chris. Could I borrow your handbag? Excuse me, Chris, could I borrow your handbag?

It's going in the handbag! Requested Belinda between wanks. Excuse me, Chris, could I borrow your handbag? Wanking off her husband! Sorry, can I just borrow a wet wipe? Because this is going to blow. The indignity of it. I'm making your husband cum,

who you've not been able to make cum for however long, and it's going to come in your handbag. Of course, Mrs. Rouse replied, handing over her Christmas pudding shaped bag. Well, at least she's keeping it cheery in these difficult times. I would question where Christina's spunk's gone. She used to have, you know, something about her. Yeah, she showed her ass. She did. Just as

she handed it over, Peter served his own special brandy sauce. Oh, would you stop it pumping it from the slit into the bag into the bag and a bit over it in the most traditional fashion so she's got a handbag full of a christmas pudding handbag full of jizz well maybe that's what they want to be fair belinda turned to look at spoons expectantly no wings damn she thought no wings oh somebody else got them so belinda's mission now is to wank off as many men as she can so that oh no isn't she just trying to help them out you know how i thought it's gonna be like it's a

wonderful life this is veered way off path yeah it's just gonna be a wank fest then it's a wank fest what we're looking at here is a two-part wank fest. I really hope you've not tuned in for anything else. Part two. And she wanked him off. Well, so that's yours now. So do with that what you will. Good luck.

So does she think they're going to use the sample that's been provided that's in the pudding bag and they're going to go back into, we presume, the doctor's office and be like, I think we're all right. If you could just give us a funnel or whatever you do it with you know people say a turkey baster they don't actually mean a turkey what i don't really know what a turkey baster is it's like a big pipette isn't it what they squeeze the yeah so you like pull it up that can't be the most technical, almost effective mechanism, surely, anymore. What would you use now? Like a straw? Like blow through a straw?

Oh, yeah, that's the technology, yeah. Like a pea shooter. I don't even know why I asked. Good luck, she shouted, as she and Spoons took the lyre to the next floor. They were suddenly in a beautifully decorated, in barrow and fall paints... Very well covered.

...private hospital room. Sir James Godwin was sparing no expense for one of his key account managers. So this is the important bit. What we've just experienced was just kind of filler or kind of a bit of colour. And now this is going to be a really important life lesson. You know how we talked about how this chapter was really long? I'm already finding bits we can just cut. There's a lot we can just pull out.

If we started here, we've missed nothing. Yes. Bella Ridley lay there, stricken from the after effects of the bomb blast planted by George Sylvester in cahoots with the special one, We love a recap. Again, though, refer to earlier comment. Doesn't make sense. Make of that what you will.

That's the spirit, guys. i'm imagining a monitor with like heart rate and then one that just says hope and it's like do little hope was present in the room where her besties were gathered des martin ken jewsbury these are bella's besties benny her brother brother. Ah, shout out to Benny. Bella's mum and dad. The pub would remain closed this Christmas. That's very good of them, in her honour, as their daughter is dying in bed. The pub would remain

closed this Christmas, whilst the close family dealt with a potential tragedy. To be fair, all pubs are closed this Christmas, so they're not as bad. Do you know what? It's the first time I've ever wanted to be in the Belinda Blink-'m like oh they sound very close to each other that sounds lovely the vital organs monitor was a racket going beep beep beep but the silence was broken i don't think it's a vital organs monitor i think it's a heart monitor but it's not like kidneys liver also it's a racket also the only thing that's saying that they're alive.

Should be encouraging. Pipe that down, please. Is there a mute on this? Turn it off. But the silence was broken as the door opened and Dr. Studd walked in. But Studd wasn't an ordinary doctor. She was a coma specialist and she had a job to do she slowly went over to the life support machine device and switched off the machine okay that's one method belinda

what because it was beeping sorry because it's an annoying beep bella ridley was dead oh my god oh i thought she i thought she was like, this is an experimental approach. Switch it off, switch it on again. Alice, Bella's dead. Happy Christmas. Thank you so much. This is a Christmas miracle.

This is a... Oh, a curse funder. A curse funder. That might be a good place to pause proceedings. Sorry, I mean, that's me being glib. Like, this is quite shocking, obviously. Alice, we're in some... I know, you don't worry too much.

She'll probably wake up in the next sentence. Can you imagine, though, if you just walked into a room as a doctor, so all of her best friends, Nat, are there, her parents, Benny, thank God, you just wander over and switch it off, you wouldn't say a word. Yeah. Well, she's a specialist. She knows what she's doing.

Excuse me, guys. and switch it off you wouldn't say a word yeah well she's a specialist she knows what she's doing excuse me guys you've chosen a little cliffhanger moment there yeah it's as best as you're going to get I mean walking over and stopping there and hovering by the life support machine

would have been a cliffhanger I mean we've dropped off the cliff haven't we yeah she's dead yeah it's a very rocky way to deal with a cliffhanger.

Give you the reveal. Oh, that was fun. Yeah, so come back. I think they're going to come back. After that. Well, you two are coming back. Whether anybody else will join us in that is up to them. Next week?

Yeah, should we do another Porno Monday? Yeah, fuck it, why not? That's the spirit. No, more than ever before, what else have we got to do yeah well exactly that's true so to clarify there's another half of that yes which did feel long and it was just half but you say there's more wow yeah that's what I mean yeah we can't do it all in one well there was a page Alice of, of just pause. Well, I'm hoping most of it to come is just pause. Right, okay, so Porno Monday's back for another time.

Yeah, absolutely. Let's do it. Let us know what you thought of this mess. Can I call it a mess? Usual ways, what is it? Twitter, at dad wrote, I've forgotten them, to be honest, at dad wrote porno. Instagram, at my dad wrote her.

You could email us. Drop us a text. I don't know. I mean, all the normal ways. If you don't know by now what you're playing at, if this is the first introduction you've got to My Dad Wrote a Porno, why have you lasted this far? Absolutely ludicrous.

And when you listen to part two, we're also going to announce when we're coming back for book six. Yes, we are. Very exciting. There have been a lot of emails and a lot of DMs about what it is. Do you know what? It's the vaccine we all bloody need. And just like the actual vaccine, it's taken a year to happen. We've been in development. And it is 100% effective at making you sick. And speaking of it being such a shocking year for everybody, we thought we would do our little bit to put some good back in the world. Yes.

It's important at Christmas time, particularly. Yes. So we thought we would raise some money for the charity Medsans Sans Frontier. Beautifully pronounced. I don't know if it was. Medsans Sans Frontier, or Doctors Without Borders. And they work in over 65 countries delivering emergency medical care to vulnerable people, which is obviously extremely important right now. Absolutely.

They're experts in working in pandemics, epidemics, everything that the past year basically has been about. They do all kinds of things. So whatever it is you feel you can give, it will make a massive difference. The best way we thought to do that was that you guys go to their website oh alice what is the website i'll write it down well it's msf for med samsung frontier.org.uk oh my god it's so easy you can make a donation there whatever you can afford whatever suits you we would really appreciate then just email us the confirmation of your donation and we will enter you into a very special raffle to get a bespoke message from guess who well it's just from the three of us but that's quite exciting right

you can do it for you you can do it for somebody that loves my dad wrote a porno whatever you want am i doing the t's and c's you're so good at them oh thanks guys so you need to email us the screen grab to my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com you've got until 11 59 on sunday the 13th of december british time british yes we gmt bst who knows and including the subject line msf donation we'll choose 10 winners at random so keep an eye on your inbox specifically on your junk mail because it's weird how our email address goes into junk isn't it yeah check your spam check your spam we'll get the ball rolling with a donation of 10 000 pounds so please do give whatever you can. And just one more time, the website is msf.org.uk

and there's a big red button that says donate on the homepage. So see you next Monday for It's a Blinkin' Life Continued. Now, in the words of Paddy the Barman, you two, this is a porn-free zone. Get the hell out. zone. Get the hell out. Bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, If you've got 5 minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

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