My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 6 - Part One

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Jamie, Alice and James record part one of Rocky's annual festive special at London's iconic Abbey Road Studios to celebrate their 90th birthday. Belinda begins preparations for Steele's Pots and Pans pantomime. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno and the first of a double helping of Christmas cheer from Rocky's Pavilion. And this year, we're really pushing the boat out because we're in an iconic venue. Can you hear? This sounds a bit different.

Does it sound different? We haven't switched James's fridge off. Is that why it's so sad? We are recording at Abbey Road Studios. Yeah, baby. Why would they let us do this? It's a good question. They invited us.

They asked us to be here. They requested our presence. They requested our presence because it's their 90th anniversary yes i didn't know sound was around 90 years ago let alone abbey road studios i thought i thought recorded sound didn't exist until like you thought music was invented by adele so yeah of course you didn't think this is spice girls please well actually speaking of spice girls lots of iconic people have recorded in this room the spice girls did viva forever okay I see why you said that now. Yep.

This room, Pink Floyd recorded Dark Side of the Moon. So two very different references there. Yeah, yeah. Born this way, Lady Gaga. He's going with a theme. Who else, Alice? Somebody that you have a lot of time for, James. And I saw a photograph outside, actually.

Amy Winehouse in the Spice Studio. Oh my God. Yeah, it's pretty cool. And now us. So they're going down in the world. Do you think they'll just board this up? Yeah, well, I asked someone earlier and we are the first act to ever read pornography

in Abbey Road, which isn't surprising, but it's a claim to fame. It's something at least. We've had a lot of funny looks in the corridor, haven't we? People like, not them. Who let them in? James, they don't know who we are. That's just your face.

It's been a string of cancellations. Exactly. This this is nice they've like made it nice for us they put a tree up it's very festive garlanding and we should talk about the pianos the pianos yeah john legend no john lennon who played on that piano john lennon the legend that is john lennon but i'm possibly john legend but they haven't made a note of that john lennon played legend That is John Lennon And possibly John Legend But they haven't made a note of that John Lennon played Let It Be On that piano James

And you can see Some of his cigarette Burn marks on it Which is quite cool Allegedly I mean allegedly But we are in One of the most iconic

Places in London Oh my god we know You keep saying it Well I'm just saying We're actually Are you getting a kickback From Abbey Road Studios What's going on

Did they ask Or did you ask This is about to be A seamless transition guys Because we're actually... Are you getting a kickback from Abbey Road Studios? What's going on? Did they ask or did you ask? This is about to be a seamless transition, guys, because we're also playing some pretty iconic places on our world tour that's finally back on its feet. Oh, yes. That's actually quite clever of them. Lovely.

We should do this bit. That's really fun. Exactly, James. Radio City Music Hall. We're coming back. In fact, we're coming back to America. We had to cancel that because of COVID. And now we're relaunching

that whole tour so please do come and see us i just wish you could be more specific i can be actually we start off on my birthday 16th of june in boston oh he's gonna be so extra very excited about that and then we're playing all over the states and canada until the 30th of june which is radio city music hall in new york that'll be the big finale yeah yeah and we're going everywhere we're going to la san francisco washington was yeah. And we're going everywhere. We're going to LA, San Francisco, Washington, Washington, DC. We're going up to Vancouver, Toronto, Seattle, LA, San Francisco, etc, etc. I've also remembered all of the places and I could recite them too. Also, Europe and UK, if you haven't got your tickets for those. I mean, you're slacking, aren't you, if you haven't got those? Yeah, it's very confusing because they've been rescheduled

a couple of times. But if you go to the website, madhudrock.com slash live, you're slacking, aren't you, if you haven't got those? Yeah, it's very confusing because they've been rescheduled a couple of times. But if you go to the website, madadrockporno.com slash live, you'll see my beautiful maintenance. I do do the website. All complaints to James. The iconic website that we're talking about in the iconic Abbey Road Studios. It will basically tell you where your original date was, and then when it was rescheduled to, and then when it was rescheduled to again.

So hopefully you can figure out which date it was. Oh my goodness, James, have you you done that you've manually done that but uk europe we're going to stockholm copenhagen helsinki dublin amsterdam brighton london manchester birmingham glasgow we're gonna need everyone will you both be at all of those we will yes right okay could you come could you make it i actually should could you drag yourself out i should put them in the diary yeah are they nighttime they are they are Any matinees, because I have pushed for this for years. And if you are new to the podcast, there are a few tickets left in all those places as well.

So don't just think because you hadn't got a ticket last time, you can't get one now. There are still some available. Don't just think because you weren't an early adopter that you'll be shunned from the community that is My Dad Wrote a Porno. So yeah, mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live for all the info and tickets.

Speaking of iconic which i know we've barely said um today but it's but it's become quite iconic to have the my dad wrote a porno christmas special in people's lives to get them through what can be let's be honest like a really annoying time of year to spend with your family and friends i've been really looking forward to this i have to say it's always a bit silly to say. It's always a bit silly, isn't it? It's always a bit silly. And that's why it goes down so well with me. Microwaved mulled wine. We've got the, what the sisters called?

The Hunt's Girls. Oh, the Hunt's Girls. You know, there's so many things that have become part of people's Christmas landscape now. Well, it's funny. There was some chatter online. I did say that. Chatter online. About where they all fit.

Because there's two schools of thought. So there's six Christmas specials now. This is our sixth one. Amazing. Chatter online. About where they all fit. Because there's two schools of thought. So there's six Christmas specials now. This is our sixth one. Amazing. In the canon. Yeah. But people think that maybe are they the same Christmas or different Christmases. Sorry.

Do you feel like he's gone away and just like Googled himself? And like really built himself up. He's come back with this new Vim. Why is he talking in sort of like third person? Like he's nothing to do with it. There are six Christmas specials in the My Dad, Your Paul and Cameron. Yeah, you're in them. You can't big up your own work.

It's funny you should say that. A friend of mine got in touch with me, oh God, about a month ago. There's no good way to say this, particularly after what you've just said to me. They Googled my net worth. A friend Googled his net worth. Oh, sure. Sure. Yeah.

A friend got in touch. You might have heard of her. She's called Google. Why would I have done that? Also, all of his friends are in this room. So which friend is this? No, I don't know why he wanted to know this. Did you not buy a round?

Christmas presents or something? I don't know. But he sent me the article because it is insane. Okay. Okay. Go on then. I wouldn't say it's particularly accurate so jamie morton is the renowned english entertainer chief chief and maker who is generally known for his name okay and work all around the planet and acquired a gigantic, gigantic fan base from individuals who love sitcoms.

Did a computer write this? Computer write this? This is such odd language. I think a computer did write this. Moreover. I'm so surprised we've not had a mention yet. Moreover, he is the author, maker, and head of the, head, head, chief. What's all this like?

Head of the IMA. Number one, James is clearly the boss. I know. IMA? Number one, James is clearly the boss. I know. If there was a boss, James is clearly the boss. You're apparently the chief. Okay, great. And head of the celebrated parody webcast, My Father Composed a Porno.

Parody webcast. Which is tuned in around... This is one of the best parody webcasts, though, to be fair. We could probably claim it's the number one parody webcast. Which is tuned in around the planet. He has been to numerous urban areas on the planet doing his shows. What does that mean, my house? Doing his shows and gathering love from individuals who venerate him.

Gathering love? That sounds like he's slept with a lot of people that listen to the show. Jamie Morton net worth or net income is assessed to be between one million dollars and five million dollars five million dollars i can promise everybody to be fair one million dollars yeah seriously i'd take that i mean i would love that have you seen his shoes exactly have you seen everything that i own he has made such measure of abundance from his essential vocation as Instagram star capitalised. I mean, I hardly go on Instagram. James, do we read the small print enough? Because is there a chance that he has made 5 million and we've made 50p?

Yeah, I thought we were all cut in the same. Yeah, so did I. This computer is telling me otherwise. This computer is very interesting intel. I'm starting to see the realities of our situation. Jamie Morton, 37 years of age. Well, that...

Not my age. Brought into the world on January the 9th. Not my birthday. He has summited Mount Everest on two separate events. Have you? What?

No, people have been doing that, everyone. They needed to bulk it out, obviously. He has likewise been chief for Through Dark, a famous climbing and outwear-centred organisation. OK, they're getting the Ys crossed here.

They've obviously pulled two different Jamie Wans. This is the thing, though, yeah. Do you want to know some of my number one things? Oh, God. Not really. Favourite movie, apparently, is Mrs Smith Goes to Washington. That is a great film. Favourite actress is Deborah Carr.

It's Deborah Carr! Favourite book is Deborah Carr. It's Deborah Carr! Favourite book, Buddenbrooks, The Decline of a Family. Oh God, I haven't seen that out of your hands. Favourite colour, Desert Sand. Favourite colour? Favourite fruit, Sweet Lime, Sweet Orange.

Favourite singer, Wilson Pickett. I do favourite fruit sweet lime sweet orange favourite singer Wilson Pickett I do like a bit of Wilson Pickett and favourite sport winter guard I don't know what the fuck

is this sport what the fuck is winter guard surely rock climbing or mountain climbing they do think that I am some sort of summiter

and they think you're an outdoorsman which couldn't be further from the truth so on that bombshell should we get reading the book I never thought

we'd want to read rocky to hear some proper english that is nonsense even by flintstonian standards okay so are we ready for my father composed a porno christmas special our popular parody webcast any ideas of what part one could be called well no we have literally no reference point of reference at all steals in the snow it snow. It's called Sleep in Heavenly Fleece. Keen. Already so keen. If I died now, happy. Okay.

Sleep in Heavenly Fleece. Exactly that. We've just recorded a song at Abbey Road. I wouldn't say a song. Do you know what it is, James? Iconic. Okay. Belinda Blinked, the Christmas special, part one, Sleep in Heavenly Fleece.

The cold wind of winter pricked Belinda's exposed left hand and upper ass cheek. Exposed left hand and upper ass cheek. So she's naked? Or something's tucked in. Okay. We don't know. We don't have enough information, I think it's fair to say. Flinging the warm cuddle of her fleece blanket over her skin-exposed patootie,

she knew today was the day. So she's naked but she's wearing a fleece. On her patootie. On her patootie. No, off her patootie. On half her patootie she knew today was the day so she's naked but she's wearing a fleece on her patootie on her no off her patootie on half her patootie her exposed patootie have you ever said patootie no patootie so nice to say it's like a bastardization of two other words what do you think what combination i don't know tush and potato does your ass look like a potato? It's a classic portmanteau of potato and tush, yeah. Petushy.

Guys, it is Christmas, so Belinda blinked. Oh, cheers. That was quick. I didn't even think about it. I thought we were drinking in Abbey Road as well. I didn't think they'd let us. Okay, so Belinda blinked. Minutes less hours later, Belinda Blumenthal switched off her car radio

that was playing the timeless pipes of peace. Could have been recorded here. I love that we've got like, where are we? What's happening? Are we in a car? Are we outside? She's wrapped in a blanket. She's naked.

What's going on? Also, is it minutes or hours? What did you say? Minutes less hours. Minutes less hours. I don't know what that means. Strutting out of her Jaguar 6.9 litre automobile. That's new, isn't it? I know nothing about cars, so I don't know what that means. Strutting out of her Jaguar 6.9 litre automobile. That's new, isn't it?

I know nothing about cars, so I don't even... If I did, I'd probably laugh at that. 6.9 litre. Oh, God, I didn't even... Oh, is that laughable? What even is it? I've just realised what he's done, though. 69, 6.9.

Oh, God, he's obsessed with that number. 6.9 litre. 6.9 litre what? It doesn't even work. Automobile. So strutting out of her Jaguar 6.9 litre automobile and into the grounds of her workplace, she exuded festive cheer in the most sexual of senses.

Which is naked in this pelt. Wrapped in a blanket, like a fleece blanket. She was sexily shrouded in a bejeeweled hood of ruby red fake stones. What the fuck is she wearing? Well, I think she's wearing like a kind of, you know, like a sexy Santa outfit. You know, like the hooded red velvet, but like somehow it's bejeweled. Okay, right, right, right. Yeah, so sexily shrouded in a bejeweled hood of ruby red fake stones

with a dirty brown husky look trim her face was smeared with a special type of vaseline style makeup which gave her a hazy dreamy and exceptionally classy look of christmas no you don't put vaseline on the face isn't that you put it on the lens to make like people look better you don't you don't smear someone's face in't that, you put it on the lens to make people look better. You don't smear someone's face in Vaseline. Yeah, you put it on the lens to make them look gauzy. If you just smear it on your face, you just look shiny and greasy, don't you? Yeah, like you're covered in Vaseline. Yeah, I mean, you look exactly like what you are.

Our heroine, full of Yuletide wonder, bounded into the Office of Operations and addressed the seasonally appropriate administrator mary snowball only there in december yeah how have you never heard about her she's a seasonal employee um this also really very much reads like it was written by the same bot that wrote your biography so now that makes me think that maybe rocky oh did dad write that website it just it just sounds very in keeping. Okay. So Belinda's like full of the joys, basically. She's in a good place. It's Christmas.

She's dressed, it sounds like, for Christmas, I think from what we can judge. Yeah. I love steals at Christmas. Everybody's so in the spirit of things at Christmas. Yeah, I agree. They wind down around like September. Yeah.

They come back to the office like February. Yeah, they employ women with names. That are appropriate for the season. That have festive. Yeah. They've got Sarah Pumpkin at Halloween. Yeah. And then like, you know.

And it's a lot of budget to put them on the staff, to just have them there for say like a week or two. Maybe they're like job share though. Do you think? So she like high fives out with Snowball. Yeah, yeah, totally. Like, oh, your document's on the desk for the handover. Yeah, they've got to train them.

They've got to like. Yeah, but worth it, isn't it? For the morale. For the joke. Oh my God. To have like Genevieve Thanksgiving turkey walking around.

Mrs. Pumpkin can't be there for that long. Like that's only a day, really. She's not married, Jamie. Oh, Miss Pumpkin or whatever. Okay, sorry. Miss Sarah Pumpkin to you, thank you. It's Mrs. Mary Snowball.

That's why I got confused. So what does Snail... Why is Snail there? Ian Snail? Yeah. Ian Snail's there the whole time. I guess sna Snail, why is Snail there? Ian Snail? Yeah. Ian Snail's there the whole time. I guess snails are evergreen, aren't they? Yeah, all year round.

All year round. Or do they pop out at certain times of year? Well, it feels like Ian Snail does. We didn't hear about him for years. So she goes up to... Is it Deborah, do you say, Snowball? Mary. So she had to marry someone called Mr. Snowball.

Yeah. To become Mrs. Mary Snowball. Well, unless she married, like, Tony Ball.ball Yeah Unless she was Snow Unless she married like Tony Ball Oh and she's Snow, Mary Snow Oh you think it's double barrels Snow hyphen Ball Okay, hello Mrs Mary Snowball Belinda Purr

Just say Mary Hello Mrs Mary Snowball Belinda Purr What? Snowball said. Love Snowball already. More like Trunchbulls. Well, hi. I'm Belinda...

I know who you are. What do you want? Oh, Snowball. Snowball masticated. I know who you are. What do you want? How have they never met? Also, if you're employed for a season as a joke

to cheer up the office, work on your fucking patter. Where's your cheer, sweetheart? What do you want? To speak to the whole workforce, please. What, and Mary's suddenly the gatekeeper? You ever heard of a round-robin email, Belinda?

Jesus. Fine, said the gum-chew chewing head of operations of steels pots and pans fine there's the megaphone unit the megaphone unit does that ring everybody oh my god it's going to ring everybody's phones she's going to ring a number and it's going to ring every handset in the building the megaphone imagine what the megaphone unit could do well i thought it was a megaphone oh the megaphone unit just unit. Or the megaphone unit. Just a megaphone. Oh, my God. It's not the megaphone that calls every phone in the office. It's a megaphone.

It's one word, megaphone. The way you said it. The mega phone unit. Like a fine tooth comb. Fine tooth comb. Is that how James says necklace? Did you say necklace? What do you say?

Necklace. Necklace. That sounds like you have no neck. You're necklace. I'm necklace. How do you say it? What do you say? Necklace Necklace That sounds like you have no neck You're necklace I'm necklace How do you say it? Necklace, yeah Necklace

Pardon? Necklace Because it's a lace around your neck Say it in a sentence though It's so weird Honestly, it's freaky Say it What a beautiful necklace

Not a thing, right? Have you ever heard such madness? I've never seen it With such a menacing look as well. What a beautiful necklace. Why would you say necklace? Because that's how you say it. You say headless.

You don't say headlace. I don't know. I don't know where you're lodging anymore. You're getting confused yourself. You're absolutely right. I don't say headlace. This is a potato patootie situation all over again. I never knew that about him.

He also says, you know, there's that phrase, oh, I'm just going around the hmm. Yeah. James, how would you say that? I'm going around the houses. Houses. How do you say it?

Houses. Houses. So basically, he can't speak. But it's not H-O-U-Z-E-S. Well, there's lots of words that we don't say exactly as they're written

on there. You know, necklace. No, necklace. What would you say? Wow. Honestly. We've taught him so much i know well clearly not he's not learning anything houses houses you don't say how do you say mayor oh god oh no mayor the mayor of london yeah i say mayor why are you so literal about everything why do you say everything exactly as it's written? How do you say this? Table.

Okay, so it's not written table, is it? Tabla. Yeah. True. Okay, take your point. How do you say microphone? How do you say this? Well, you just said it, microphone.

Oh, so you don't say micro-pahoney. Microwave moment. Anyway, so there's the megaphone unit. Belinda licked her upper teeth before pouting her luscious lips into the hallowed vessel of communication. It's a bit of an odd, like, gurney. Into the megaphone unit. Megaphone.

Megaphone. So, seeing as we're at Abbey Road, should we try and do something with the sound desk here? What do you mean? Oh, like make a megaphone? Well, yeah, if she's speaking to the whole office, could we have, like, a sound with a megaphone? Oh, an effect? Yeah. Oh, yeah, if she's speaking to the whole office, can we have like a sound of a megaphone? Oh, an effect?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're going to do it. I'm going to try it, okay? Greetings. Oh! Wow. Greetings, all you steely labourers. This is great.

Greetings, all you steely labourers. Ha, ha, ha. If you've ever dreamed of being the next Marilyn Monroe or Barry Fitzgerald, now is your chance. Auditions for the Steels, Pots and Pans Panto begin on the morrow morning at 12 p.m sharp over and out okay i enjoyed every second of that that was good i was this place is good what facilities it's so iconic that's how they got their great name um can I just hear it again though because I was so like bowled over by that

what just normally yeah okay greetings all you steely labourers ha ha ha ha ha ha it's a good guy very funny

if you've ever dreamed of being the next Marilyn Monroe heard of her or Barry Fitzgerald never heard of him Google who the fuck that is sorry

Barry Fitzgerald have you heard of him I've heard of Ella Fitzgerald. Never heard of him. Google who the fuck that is. Sorry. Barry Fitzgerald. Barry Fitzgerald. Have you heard of him? I've heard of Ella Fitzgerald. Could be Ella's brother. Barry Fitzgerald, Irish stage, film and television actor. Very on brand for Rocky. He appeared in such notable films as Bringing Up Baby.

Oh, that's a good movie. How Green Was My Valley. Oscar winner. Really? Going My Way. That also won best picture Bloody hell Big deal

This guy He's like old He's like 430s This can't be your dad's era Yeah Barry Fitzgerald was born in 1888 So he is Robbie's era None but the Lonely Heart

And the Quiet Man Wow So he's a very famous actor actually He actually won an Oscar himself Did he? I've heard a grand total of one of those Which one? The first one

Bringing a Baby Yeah Yeah it's a classic You're thinking of those. Which one? The first one. Bringing a baby. Yeah. Yeah, it's a classic. You're thinking of Baby's Day Out. I'm thinking of Baby's Day Out. I'm thinking

of Hit Me Baby One More Time. I'm so sorry. So if you've ever dreamed of being the next Marilyn Monroe or Barry Fitzgerald, auditions for the

Steeles, Pots and Pans Panto. Obsessed. Panto. I love a panto. We have to, I mean, you know that James and I are from a city which is known for its panto. Like, I like to think internationally known for its panto.

Really? The Nottingham Playhouse Panto is a massive deal, isn't it, James? Kenneth. Alan. Taylor. Yes, he's a massive deal. People come from all over the houses to see him. Honestly, in their finest jewellery, their finest necklace.

Even the mayor. Even the mayor. In fact, we should probably say what a panto is for our international listeners. It's very British. Yeah, how would you describe it? It's short for pantomime

and it's a play in which... It's like vaudeville? Yeah, it's very kind of like bawdy humour, isn't it? It's a festive thing, like every Christmas. But it's also quite ahead of its time because it subverts

a lot of the gender norms. So often the woman will play the male leadverts a lot of the gender norms so often the woman will play the male lead yes and a man playing the panto dame that won't mean a lot to some people

as you say outside of the UK but quite kind of ostentatious like scene grabbing character that just sort of lords it over other people

quite camp maybe this is too early but can we speculate on who's going to take what role in the Steels, Potts and Panto oh okay Panto sorry just got that yes excellent Steels, Potts and Panto too early but can we speculate on who's going to take what role in the steel spots and pants panto

oh okay panto sorry just got that yes it's excellent yeah steel spots and panto so james you want to cast it first of all panto horse gotta be ian snail because he's got the he's got the he's got the shell and he's got the front he isn't a snail his name is ian snail he isn't an actual snail who's the dame tony oh no one one of the RSMs has to be the dame. Yeah, who's like the biggest character? It has to be the biggest character. Paddy? Paddy could be a good dame.

Belinda's like Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk. I think that Bella might wear her, you know, her horse riding outfit. As the horse? Oh, as the horse. Or riding the horse. No, Bella's an ugly sister. Well, we don't know what the panto is yet. I don't care.

Bella's an ugly sister. Why are we don't know what the panto is yet. I don't care. Bella's an ugly sister. Why are you saying that? It's not kind. I think it's a bit early to speculate because we don't know what the show is yet. The press. Oh, sorry, you're right. How silly of me.

James is casting a show he doesn't know what it is. Okay. Auditions for the Seals Watson Panto begin on the morrow morning at 12pm sharp. I just want to point out that 12pm is not the morrow morning. It is midday, technically the afternoon. I actually do struggle with that. Over and out.

Belinda stuffed a whole Mrs Kippling minced pie. Kippling? Mrs Kippling? That's how you'd say it. Well, it's Mr Kippling, so it's Mrs... Yeah, but you'd probably say Mrs Kippling. Mrs Kippling. Belinda stuffed a whole Mrsrs kipling minced pie minced it's mince pie not minced oh my god this is gonna take forever okay fucking hell minced pie into her trap in

the excitement that pulsated through her ultimate body this time of year always changed her on a molecular level jesus her inner warren buffett left her for dead and was replaced. Warren Buffett? Is he the philanthropist? Massive entrepreneur, yeah, like billionaire. I'm not entirely sure what that means then, because she's not particularly charitable, is she? I don't think it's about the philanthropy.

I think it's about being a businessman, a business person. So her business instincts leave her. Yeah, and she just turns into what? Santa. A mess. Well, her. Yeah. And she just turns into what? Santa. A mess. Well, her inner Warren Buffett left her for dead

and was replaced by grease paint filled veins and spot lit lit brains. I beg your pardon? She's covered in Vaseline.

She's got grease in her veins. Grease coursing through her veins. She's going to die. I think it means that she becomes greasy.

Oh, like Pam's dick. Guys, as a theatre person, grease paint is what you... There we go. Ever heard of the smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd? Ever heard of that? No. It's like an old theatre thing.

It means that you're... So wait, did you wear grease paint to sit backstage and write plays? No, when you're on stage, you would have grease paint as the... It's basically stage makeup. Grease paint. Grease paint. Grease paint. Say that then.

She was a creative type from early-ish November to the end of business, Xmas Eve. So that's the thing. So basically... Yeah, we got it. We can hear what you're saying. Her business person leaves her her creativity... Yeah, thank you.

We're not idiots. Courses through her veins, okay. As part of her increased work portfolio, Belinda was the point lady for panto season. This company is an absolute mess. Every year since the early 1970s, the Steeles Pots and Pans London office had put on a pantomime to raise much needed funds for the chairman's chosen charity, the Assers and Donkeys Trust. Oh, good. How many events do they do a year for the fucking Assers and Donkeys Trust?

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trestle table. Oh, it's like X Factor. They're going to do auditions. Oh, brilliant. They're going to be brutal. The Duchess was to her right and Mistress Sweet Juice

her left. They've flown her over from Paris. She's nothing to do with the organisation. I suppose she's a guest judge. She's a guest judge because she knows her field. Because've flown her over from Paris. She's nothing to do with the organisation. Oh, I suppose she's a guest judge. She's a guest judge because she knows her field. Because of the Moulin Marant.

Moulin Marant. Yeah, she does know performance. Yeah, you're right. Oh, wow. So it's kind of glitzy that they've got a professional in. The sign above the door. Oh, James. What?

We're going to know what the panto is. Oh, here we go. The sign above the door read, Dick Whittington's Mother Goose auditions. One of my least favourite. No, that's a mash-up. Oh. That's two pantos.

I hate both of those, yeah. They're two of my least favourite. Dick Whittington's Mother Goose. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Who's the pussy? That's my question. Well, quite. Dick Whittington had his cat.

Oh, yeah. Because he went to London where the streets were paved with gold and Mother Goose laid golden eggs. So did they make the streets out of eggs? Egg-y streets. Golden eggs. To be fair, the streets of London are more likely to be paved with egg, like old egg and just like rubbish, than gold.

Dick Whittington's Mother Goose. Okay. So, the sign above the door read, Dick Whittington's Mother Goose Auditions. Close set. Close set! Who wants to be on the fucking set Goose auditions. Close set. Close set! Who wants to be on the fucking set? It's not even a set.

It's not sexy. Close set! Next. The Duchess's authoritative tone boomed. Does she have to be so sultry? She's going to be unbearable. Oh my God, guys. Guess who's coming in.

Oh God, here we go. Padio Hamlet. Oh good, yeah. Guys, guess who's coming in. Oh, God, here we go. Paddy O'Hamlin. Oh, good, yeah. Shoveled in... Shoveled? Sorry, shuffled into... I dug his way into the room. It's a close set.

Paddy O'Hamlin shuffled into the canteen cum theatre. Oh, don't say cum theatre. It's spelled C-U-M. Top of the morning to you as are ladies. Hello, Patrick. Oh, because she has to be steely because she's not his friend or his colleague anymore. She's a judge.

Can you actually act? Oh. This makes me think he's going to absolutely blow out the water. To be or not to be? Or not. That is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing anthem, to die... Thank you, darling. The Duchess interrupted him. Wait a minute. I thought that was fantastic. To die...

Thank you, darling. Chorus, I think. The Duchess... Burn! Chorus, I think. Burn! Chorus? You didn't hear him sing. That's a good point. You guys like musical theatre. Is chorus like the ultimate diss?

It's not a diss. It's just not a lead. It's the ensemble. But it does mean you're not getting any solo time. Yeah, it does. And you're normally singing. They haven't even heard him sing. They just tend to do three sentences of Shakespeare. But I guess you're hidden in a choir. Thank you, darling. Chorus, it does. And you're normally singing. Like, they haven't even heard him sing. They just tend to do, like, three sentences of Shakespeare.

But I guess you're hidden in a choir. Thank you, darling. Chorus, I think. The Duchess interrupted and whispered to Belinda. What a wonderful interpretation, Paddy. Thank you. Much like with a CV, we'll call you. Once Paddy had skipped out, Belinda spoke freely.

Gosh, it's as tough as a cheap bit of beef, isn't it? Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm, Mistress Sweetjuice added. Well, thank God they've flown her over. What fantastic between-audition chat. Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Next to grace the judges was Sir James Godwin. Sorry, the... Godwin's is auditioning.

The founder of the company, the chairman of the company has to audition. You'd give the boss a role. What's he gonna be? Hello, boss man, Belinda said. Ciao, bello. The Duchess growled, kissing the air as the last O left her lips. I'm here to read for the dame.

Sir James bellowed. He's got a good dame voice, actually. Okay. The Duchess coughed. Oh, fabulous, good dame voice, actually. Okay. The Duchess coughed. Oh, fabulous, Belinda cooed, secretly hoping he had the skin that could take a lot of lipstick. I'd worried no one would put their balls to the wall and offer. Leading by example as ever, Sir James. Sorry.

That's exactly the same. You've just caught what James Godwin's got. It's going round. Alice, can you always do the humphs, please? Happily. Yes, well, quite. Traditions must be upheld. Please, the floor is yours.

The Duchess breathed. Is the Duchess a ghost now? Lovely vibrato. Proffering Sir James the floor. Oh my God, you little dick goose. What am I like? Behind me? Oh, you wish. I wish. Come behind me. No, not at all. I'm a mother.

Going to be sick. What the fuck was that? It was his performance What on earth? So did he just do a medley of all the medleys? He just did a medley of classic Pantomime moments I actually nearly was sick I actually thought you were going to fall out of your chair There's a bit of sick in here.

Should we break that down? No, do it exactly like that again. Oh my God, you little dick goose. What am I like? Behind me? Oh, you wish. I wish. Come behind me.

No, not at all. I'm a mother. Someone's having a breakdown. Why is he a mother? Oh, he's the mother goose. Why is he a mother? Oh he's a mother goose Why is he moving so fast? Why got he spending time on any of it?

I've actually never seen James like this Do it again Okay No yeah One by one One by one Okay

Oh my god Oh my god Fine You little dick goose You little dick goose That's my favourite actually a little dick goose One by one. One by one. Oh my God. Oh my God. Fine. You little dick goose. You little dick goose. That's my favourite, actually. Little dick goose.

Little dick goose. What does that mean? You little dick goose. What am I like? What's the like? That's not one. That was one of them. No, but that's not one from a panto.

No. Oh God. Behind me. Because that's the whole thing, isn't it? You've made him a bit normal. I know. Yeah, sorry. No, don't change a thing. But what is it? He's behind you. Oh, no, he isn't. Oh, yeah. It's all that thing, isn't it? Also, you've made him a bit northern. I know, yeah, sorry. No, don't change a thing. But what is it?

He's behind you. Oh, no, he isn't. Oh, yeah. It's all that shit, isn't it? No, we get it. But this is like the unravelling of a man in front of her eyes. Oh, my God. Behind me.

Oh, you wish. I wish. You wish. It's because he's having both sides of the conversation. You wish. I wish. What does he want? He's doing all the parts from all the pantos.

It's a one man show. This was his prepared audition. He's going to leave on a gurney. Behind me? Oh, you wish. I wish. Come behind me.

Come behind me? No, not at all. I'm a... I mean... Do you think people stood up and went... Because it's so avant-garde. Well.

Merci, chérie. We've seen all we need to see. We really have. Gout. Sweet juice spoke. Call security. She started to sweat profusely. The auditions went on all day. And by the end of the day,

Belinda felt she had the perfect cast to stun the Steels, Pots and Pans employees, many clients, industry representatives, and royalty who would be present to watch it. Imagine a royal saying that. You're the queen. You haven't got much time left. You want to make sure you're using every day to your best. You go to the Steels,'s a band's banto?

I think so James Godwin Abdication's easier I'll do it Yeah seriously You imagine it's held in the canteen as well Oh yeah they like deck it out They put a few like

But only a bit Yeah exactly It's not very nice Okay so I imagine we're about to hear Who got what part Well you're not going to know today Because What do you mean?

However When Belinda returned to her designated desk area with walls and door, she was confronted by a familiar face. Oh. Paddy O'Hamlin was there. He had read the casting roll call and was desperate. Do you imagine it's like when they pin it up? Like your results at uni.

Yeah, on the court board. Please, let me be Dick's pussy or an egg of gold oh you could play an egg that's the kind of thing that they invent in a school play so that everybody has a role yeah um so she's like please let me be dick's pussy or a gag of gold patty please belinda tersely replied rolling her eyes upwards no just give me a chance to shine, I'm begging you. Belinda flicked her zip fly and allowed her skirt to be eaten by gravity. Flicked her zip fly? Oh, fine, and the skirt dropped, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, it's so unnecessarily wordy sometimes. It's like, it annoys me. We know. Have I never made that clear's like, it annoys me. There were... We know. Have I never made that clear? Oh, I have. Good. There were no panties or thongs, which meant her pubic green belt was open for all to see and explore.

Green belt? You can't build on that. You bloody can't. That is protected, my friend. That's protected land. I don't want to know... Because isn't there... I'm not even going there.

What's the other belt of land called? What where you can build on it? Yeah. Red belt? What's the brown belt? Brown belt. Isn't that like that's a karate thing isn't it?

That's a black belt. Sorry. Isn't that like the swamp or something that you can't build on because it's not safe? I don't know. Oh wait a sec.

I'm trying to remember it from GCSE Geography. She's green belt which is protected land. And pristine. Well it's the edge of the city right? Green belt. But you can't build on it. I think you can. No you canbelt, which is protected land. And pristine. Well, it's the edge of the city, right? Greenbelt. But you can't build on it. I think you can. No, you can't. Greenbelt's protected. We'll see about that. So Brownbelt land in urban planning is any previously developed

land that's not currently in use that may be potentially contaminated. Oh, no. Well, thank God she's not that. Okay. So Greenbelt land, you guys think is protected. Let's see. So the Greenbelt is to prevent urban sprawl by keeping land permanently open. Yes, protected. However, there's not necessarily a right of access there. Actually, that's a very good analogy. Oh, there you go. So our legs are always open, but there's not a right of access.

Yeah, you have to invite someone onto your Greenbelt. Love that. Rocky, the only analogy that has ever worked. Cora and me. Paddy O'Hamlin spoke with words. It was December and Paddy had always struck Belinda as a festive type of chap. His Jerry's chocolate orange hair was as... Jerry's chocolate orange.

Okay. Terry's chocolate orange. Uh, A. James is such a patient man, but these really aggravate him. His Jerry's chocolate orange hair was as bright as tinsel. Why doesn't he just say orange hair? I don't know. Because it's Christmas.

James, I'm on your side. You know I am. It's Dad's favourite chocolate at Christmas. Jerry's chocolate orange. Jerry's chocolate orange could be blue for all we know because it's not a thing. His hair was as bright as tinsel and his laugh as cheerful as a brandy butter filled brandy snap basket. Easy for you to say.

With a glass of brandy butter filled brandy snap basket. Easy for you to say. A glass of brandy. A what? So his Jerry's chocolate orange hair was as bright as tinsel and his laugh as cheerful as a brandy butter filled brandy snap basket with a glass of brandy on the side. Very brandy. They kissed

like a couple of turtle doves and Belinda's brain scattered to the west coast of Ireland where poems are read and flora is sat on. He, in those two sentences, has gone nuts with his metaphors, similes, analogies. He's used everything. And he's in a sort of like dreamscape now. Merry Xmas, boss babe.

Paddy purred like a hard James Joyce. That was a purr actually. When he pulled down his togs, Belinda was shocked but not surprised that his carpet matched the curtains. His secret hair region looked like a bit of iron that had been exposed

to oxygen and water over a substantial amount of time. Don't say he doesn't teach you anything. A little bit of science there for you. Oh my God. Right. What? I don't like secret hair area.

Secret hair region. Secret hair region. Secret hair region. I think that's what we can deduce from this. He's the same colour as the Jerry's chocolate orange. He's got oxidised pubes or whatever you just said. It's iron that had been exposed to oxygen and water over a substantial amount of time. Rust. Yeah, rust-coloured pubes.

It glinted like... Merry Christmas, everyone. Yeah, it's a long way of saying orange pubes. It glinted like the Star of Bethlehem. What? What, dude? This is blasphemous. It glinted like the Star of Bethlehem.

Why is it so shiny, the hair? As the throbbing, incandescent light strips of the office hit his winkle with a twinkle. So wait, the winkle shined like a star? Oh. I worry because wasn't the Star of Bethlehem what the three wise men used to follow to find the baby Jesus? Star of wonder, star of wonder star

of light Belinda dove into his pubes running the ringlet his pubes it's Christmas Belinda dove into his pubes running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot that is one of the grossest things I've ever heard. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. What did she dive in there? Her hand or her face? Put her hand in his cube. And it felt like grated carrot. It's all like twirling around.

She's just like twiddling it on her finger. But you know when you like peel a bit of like carrot and it like goes like into a rip like. Oh, my Christ. Is that Abbey Road security? I think we're getting a sculpt out. Running the ringlets. Pubes aren't ringlets.

Well, they kind of are ringlets, aren't they? I guess it depends how thick it is. Corkscrew curls for you, James. Running the ringlets. Oh, why would you run your hands through it? Also, Jamie's hair is in ringlets and has a little ginger tinge. So if you imagine that, but Sal. We call that grated carrot.

You don't need to imagine that, just imagine some grated carrot. Running the ringlets through the thing. Grated carrot? It's not like grated carrot. Yeah. Peeled, maybe. Grated. His skin was pale, which really set off the contrast with a zing. And his cock was stiff and twitching for playtime. Oh, I do love some Irish sausage sausage at christmas time paddy oh h i can't wait to beat your banger i hate meeting james i just caught your eye so we've got like sausage and carrot basically that's dinner

tonight sausage and grated carrot anybody ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha'd Paddy. My willy will willingly wiggle inside you like a worm, but bigger, much bigger, boss babe. Why have we gone from Terry's chocolate orange to carrot to sausage to worm? I mean, I guess it's all the same. It's all a compost heap, isn't it? There was greenbelt in there at some point.

Yeah, there was some town planning. This was more than enough talk dirty for one afternoon. And the two colleagues with privileges began to bonk. In her he slid and she welcomed him with a hospitable smile and encouraging grunt. Because it was Xmas and Xmas shopping is busy and stressful,

Paddy got a little bit tired in the second trimester of Passion. Isn't that a pregnancy thing? Yeah, where you're quite nauseous. But he soldiered on by sitting down on the... Sorry, don't stop us with your little finger. Did you see that finger lift? We've got to say something about second trimester. Because it's not a thing.

I put that little finger down. Little finger laugh at you. Little finger shut you up. No, I think trimester just means like i thought it was exclusive i thought it was exclusively pregnancy i think it's i think that's how it's famed to be pregnancy it's famed why the hills that he's willing to die on yeah that finger i don't see that finger again because it was xmas and xmas shopping Was busy and stressful Paddy got a little bit tired In the second trimester Of passion But he sold it on

By sitting down On the ink squirt 69 printer In case you missed The first one With the car It was nice too Because it meant

That he got a good look At her bottom As it bounced up and down His big thick Cock shaft Crikey That has taken A different turn

It was very cartoonish And now That's quite that's hardcore. Now, I have a printer but it's quite small. James wasn't cracked by that at all. That's just an everyday occurrence. This is nothing new to me. But I have a printer but it's quite small

and if someone was to bonk on it, it would get quite damaged. This is an office-based ink squirt 69. It would at least crack the paper tray. It was nice too because it meant that he got a good look at her bottom

as it bounced up and down his big thick cock shaft. Do you have to keep saying it? It was so good though. This is your dad at Christmas. I know, fuck off. This is your dad? I'm just getting rid of it.

Getting rid of it? It was out of me. It was so good that he ejaculated ahead of his scheduled arrival time. What do you mean? Came too quickly.

Is that a thing? Not a scheduled time. No, you're not Came too quickly. Is that a thing? Not a scheduled time. No, you're not like, I'll be coming at 12.58. 1917, yeah. No. You can't live your life like that. Despite Paddy's best efforts

and on-the-spot problem-solving, which he did get points for, Belinda wondered if he was really ready for a starring role. Oh God, this is all about getting a role in the panto. He's doing all this to get an egg. James, this is

the steals panto. Okay? After you've been in this, it's straight to Broadway. You can do whatever you want. Are these eligible for the Tonys? This production

would make Belinda's name and she couldn't afford any fuck uppers. But he is fucking upper. Very good. Thank you. Okay, Paddy. Belinda spoke through the sweat and hard humping.

You're in. Yippee! Paddy jumped and he proceeded to do a little jig on the paper shredder. A week of rehearsals and a total change of panto later. They changed the panto? They're getting through them. It was two before. Belinda gathered the cast

of principal roles and extras and understudy extras together in Steele's Pots and Pans canteen zone. Okay, you actors in name only. She bellowed through a bullhorn. Oh, not even a megaphone. What's a bullhorn? Like a Isn't that the sort of thing that

a director like in the old 50s, in Barry Fitzgerald's era, a director would have like shouted through a bullhorn, wouldn't he? Or she, but mainly he, except for Sex's World. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So should we try and do that sound again? Okay, for a bullhorn.

Have you got bullhorn? Okay, you actors in name only. Tomorrow is the biggest day of your short-lived careers. In other words, our opening and closing night performance. So it's one night only. Also really convenient for us that Bullhorn sounds very, very like a megaphone. Nervous rumblings bounce back at her in an unfestive show of unconfidence. Now, I have arranged for Santa's sleigh to pick us up at 11am sharp. Remember to clock in as if working. Otherwise, you will lose a day's worth of pay. The performing arts are not eligible for loo day payments as this is a godforsaken, creatively ignorant company.

We will also be sitting on bales of hay. So I recommend bringing hard-wearing anoraks or wax-finished macks to sit on. Okay? Over and out. That is so much information. That was so boring. What are you on about?

So what? It's a day's work and they don't get it in lieu. So first of all, Santa's sleigh is picking them up. Santa's sleigh is picking them up. 11 o'clock. And they have to clock in because I guess they need to pretend that they're working. Even though they're announcing it to the whole office over whatever this is called. The bullhorn.

So anybody that's their manager will hear that. Fine. And then in Santa's sleigh They're sitting on hay bales And they have to bring a coat to sit on Or a anorak Because they're wet Or spiky

Sorry, where are they going? To the play What do you mean to the play? To the panto Drive to the office In a trailer, I assume It's not a sleigh, is it? Stop saying sleigh

It's not a sleigh I'm just saying what's written in the book Bella asked a troop of players Are you shames or something? It's not a sleigh, is it? Stop saying sleigh. It's not a sleigh. I'm just saying what's written in the book. Bella asked the troupe of players. Anyone fancy a mulled wine at the Pentra? It might settle our nerves. The collection of ooh-yeses, why nots and capital implied agreement. Okay, Belinda also agreed.

But only a mug and a half each. We don't want to be old drunkards on that stage. Otherwise you really will break a leg, Bella. The actors all laughed. Other actors now. The actors all laughed. The best. And Bella pretended to drag a dead leg behind her as they ventured out of the automatic.

Oh God, she's such a card. I bet you guys did that, didn't you? Bella pretended to drag a dead leg behind her as they ventured out of the automatic revolving doors into the festive snowfall. Belinda breathed in the cinnamon and snowflakes. That's weird. Why does it smell of cinnamon at the airport?

I think that's jet fuel. Gosh, in just one more fleece-cradled sleep, sleep in heavenly fleece, she would be taking her bows in her first ever pantomime triumph, Cinderella the Intern. Belinda's ambitions blinked. And that is the end of part one.

I'm going to leave Abbey Road tonight and all I'm thinking about is grated carrot. I'm running your hands through some beautiful ringlets. Do you think in the way that seminal albums that were recorded in this room are still spoken about in years and years to come, do you think that analogy about the carrot will be whispered in the halls

and people will say, this is the room where that was first said? Can you imagine if they mount like a little bag of grated carrot on the wall? That'd be so nice, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the rocky grated carrot. I think you're living in a dream world.

Well, the cleaners look like they're coming in to wash the room down, so we better get out of here. They're deleting the files as we speak. Oh, they forgot to press record. But yes, do join us next week for part two when we will actually get said panto. What an incredible cliffhanger.

I bet people can't wait to hear that who's gonna play who what the fuck's the show wait a week can't wait a week you better brush upon your voices because i imagine you'll have a busy one next week oh god i think we used abbey road to its like to its great it's gonna be literally any fucking where we could have done it on the street for all anyone knew on our phones it's so disrespectful to have done what we've done and I am so sorry

I'm sad to end but this has been really fun so do join us next week if you want to see the panto or hear it at least and in the meantime you can get in touch with us let us know what you think who do you think is going to play who? Get involved on Twitter, at DadWroteAporno.

Instagram, at MyDadWroteA. And lots of people will actually, this will be bringing back sort of nativity, Christmas play panto memories. And so I'm sure that you will furnish us with those. You can get in touch at MyDadWroteAporno at gmail.com. And if this has whet your appetite, don't forget about the live tour, mydadwroteporno.com forward slash live. Make a great Christmas present, dare I say. Imagine if this has whet your appetite.

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