My Dad Wrote A Porno - Rocky Flintstone Revealed

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Hold on to your pomegranates! In a world exclusive, Rocky Flintstone joins Jamie, Alice and James on mic for the very first time. Expect laughs, revelations and a lot of chat about cement. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to the last ever episode of My Dad Wrote a Porno. Guys, we've made it. That will never not sound weird. I know, but you know, we're fine with it. It's great. And we couldn't be luckier today because we do have a guest with us we couldn't not really we couldn't end the series without this exclusive yeah i can't believe he's here i know i'm not looking at him he's just right there um and he obviously requires no introduction however i have prepared a little something okay yeah just to fluff him up a bit he deserves the headline headline. He does, he does.

Yeah, we are so... It's actually an honour for me to introduce to the mic, for the first time ever, the Banksy of pornography himself. The brilliantly bonkers genius that is Rocky Flintstone. Hi, Dad. Hi, guys. This is a world exclusive. This is your first interview ever on Mike. Correct. Wow. I'm personally very excited to have you here. I'm just gonna say we should have had him on sooner. Yeah I'm so so glad that we're finally doing this.

It feels like a full circle moment. Yeah well when Jamie said that we were going to read your books on a podcast what was your reaction what's a podcast yeah that was the first question because they were so new right well we never thought it would have the success of being probably the biggest podcast in the world but um mic drop but no happy fine use it you. Let's get on with it. And you've never minded our constant, we like to say critique. Some people will be saying, ripping to shreds, taking the piss. You've never minded any of that? No, because my turn will come.

Hang on, what, you're going to do a podcast where you critique our critiques? It's a damn good idea. It's all got a bit Escher, hasn't it? Somebody's got to do it, I tell you, because you miss so many lovely little gold eggs, you call them. Do we?

Oh, God, it's unbelievable how much you miss. Actually, the punters, the fans, do get it because they're listening to this maybe 10 times now, which is wonderful. I mean, I listened to it once and that's enough for me. Put it on the poster. We've got a quote. Can we go way back to the beginning and just ask a question, which is a question that we started the very first episode with, I think, which is why?

Basically, I'd moved to this lovely place just outside London and we'd finished renovating the property which hadn't been renovated for 90 years and after the pavilion was built I sat down and started writing this Belinda blinked You were inspired Oh yes Well I had nothing else to do you see

I needed something to start doing But why porn? Well why not James But there is a story to that and you can answer me in a second No we were driving one day and of of course, as you all know, Wilma and I have written 62 books before this, like How to Buy a House in Brazil,

How to Survive the Brazilian World Cup, back in 1916, I think. No, 2016, sorry. During the war. Yes, and Buying a House in Ireland, all these little travel books. And of course, they were selling absolutely zero. So as we were in the car going somewhere, Wilma says to me, book sales are terrible. And I said, well, Wilma, as you know, the only thing that sells these days is sex.

And Wilma says to me, yeah, I can't write it. And I said, yes, I can. And I did. I see. So actually Wilma was the inspiration for you to write porn? Correct. Wow. That is a revelation.

Yeah, but I don't think she actually thought you'd genuinely write porn, Dad. No. We've always been a little bit worried about Wilma because I know in the early days when we first started doing the podcast, she wasn't overly keen. She didn't know where it was going to lead to. No do you think she's okay now? No. She makes out like she is when I see her. She's a very good actress. Right okay a lot of people ask why you shared it with Jamie and not with your daughters. Because Jamie's a male he can stand this rigorous entertainment. Is that really why? Absolutely.

This is not for the faint-hearted, this stuff, you know. Oh, you knew that when you were sending it to him, that this was raunchy stuff? I am the biggest wind-up merchant in the world. Well, the Irish world. And I sent it to him to see, A, would he read it? Because he doesn't read anything I send him. Right.

B, which is true, isn't it? Not anymore, I read everything now. Meticulously. I have a lawyer on speed dial. B, would he get past the first page? Because Blinda blinked. It wasn't a dream. Someone had just asked her to remove her blouse.

It sort of attracts your attention and you think, well, I've got to read the next sentence. So you might say you were writing those words with Jamie in mind. And then did you get really into it? So you might say you were writing those words with Jamie in mind. And then did you get really into it? Did you think, I've just got a natural flair for this? I have no natural flair for this. I would agree, but I just wonder what you thought. I can put fireplaces onto walls. That's a flair. I can do that.

But not writing. No, I'm rubbish. Well, at least he admits it. I don't think you are, though, because actually, having been able to take a step back, Belinda blinked. It wasn't a dream. The job interviewer had just asked her to read. Like, that's actually a really good opening to a book. Yeah.

And people have said that. Yeah. Oh, very compelling. Kept us reading for eight years. Well, when we visited the... You guys played the New York City Radio Music Hall venue. Those words in a different order, yeah. Yeah, whatever. I mean, I was lucky to get even that long. We had the New York City Radio Music Hall venue. Those words in a different order, yeah?

Yeah, whatever. I mean, I was lucky to get even that lot. I can tell you. I got the right city, did I? They sent us around this big book because we were in the dressing rooms and this big book was full of all the people who'd played there over this past three years. It was a guest book, wasn't it?

It was a kind of visitor's book. And they wanted us to each put in a sentence of what we wanted to say. And then what I put in was, Belinda Blinkett wasn't a dream. She just arrived at the Radio City Music Hall playhouse. Can we just have a whole episode where I'm fucking trying to say the name

of Radio City Music Hall? Playhouse. That was good, wasn't it? Yeah, you were like, for the end of the day, it wasn't a dream. We just played Radio City. Yeah.

That was a good quote. It was a kind of Rocky remix, wasn't it? And I did sign it Rocky and give her two kisses. Of course. I mean, Dad, there's nothing that you haven't signed.

I mean, if you can find something in the world that Dad hasn't signed, it's worth a fortune. He does love giving out those business cards, signing books. He really does. He really does. And so, like, obviously, thing in the world that dad hasn't signed it's worth a fortune he does love giving out those business cards he really does he really does and so like obviously you started writing you got into the writing and also like you just retired so you're kind of bored as well i'd imagine yes that's correct yeah and it's a good thing to do though of course nobody ever retires really and aren't

you the living proof of that dad because the day you retire is the day you die you understand that oh 100 so you must never stop doing your thing because that's the thing like I think what is really great about you and your kind of story is that you were a builder you had many jobs actually throughout your life you were in sales back in the 80s you know you've done a lot of things and maybe would I say is it fair to say that your most successful work has come later in life I've matured like a good cheese. Absolutely. And like, it's a good thing to say, never give up, right?

Never count yourself out. Book 65 was Belinda Blinked. I don't understand what that means. We've written 62, 64 books previously, and none of them were doing anything great. I mean, we were selling three or four a year. But once Belinda Blinked came along and then you guys got the podcast, we started to sell

eight a week. It was really big stuff. Not eight a week. I'm dizzy. It's big stuff. It really is big stuff. I tell you, the money coming in from Amazon is really good stuff. Eight a week. I can take Wilma out for a meal once a year. Wow. But that's what's nice about this whole kind of

thing is that you've been able to spoil mum and like take her. Like, you bought the car and named it Belinda. Was the blue number called Belinda? I hadn't appreciated that. I do love that mum has been riding Belinda for the past eight years. It's kind of fitting. How's she served you, old Belinda?

Oh, brilliantly. Very, very good. You've been all over the world with her? She's been flat tyres. We've been down to Spain four times, you know. Flat tyres? I mean, I just immediately think of that from the books. I just always think of that scene. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Out on the road. That's right. That's where it came from. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Everything's related in Belinda Blinked, apart from the sexual activities. I was going to say, not everything.

Please do. Hang on. So it's autobiographical? Some of it. I'm 60 plus now, and all my life has been put into these books in some way or another. Give us another example. I'm trying to now and all my life has been put into these books in some way or another give us another example

I'm trying to think of something else when Jim Sterling meets Belinda in his hotel in USA next to his offices yes and he shows her

his monster dick and she sucks it she has to floss her teeth afterwards right this happened to me many times

which bit? her teeth to get rid of the flaky skin I'm sorry what? you've had to floss your teeth to get rid of flaky skin? Many times. From eating meat?

Fish. Chicken. But not the same scenario as is written in the book. Oh, no, no. Give it a little bit of lateral tolerance. Hang on. That's the first example you give us of how it relates to your life. I also have just...

It's been eight years. Turns out reading it and actually looking at my father and hearing him say... Suck. Suck dick. Yeah. Is actually one of the most... I'm so glad that we're ending this.

I think... No, I think we've got a new podcast. My dad reads the porno to me. His own porno to me. I chose that example because All the fans When they do a poll or whatever Reddit, Twitter

That's the scene they all hate the most What? Because it's so gross Flossing of the teeth To get the flaky skin out of it So you're all over the The Reddits and the Twitters I watch everything I watch everything

I'm watching you all If you've ever listened to the show Rocky has your details And he's watching you He sounds like Liam ever listened to the show rocky has your details and he's watching you he sounds like liam neeson doesn't he's like i have a particular set of skills and i'm watching you at every turn well let's go more into your writing process so when you're planning the books because obviously a lot of thought goes into them huge amount i mean minutes of work james my writing style is I sit down and write. I don't fuck about.

Right. It keeps the fucking for the pages. Correct. So sorry, so you literally just as we thought, you literally just sit down and go. That lovely girl we met in Los Angeles. Rachel Bloom. Rachel Bloom. I had the pleasure of speaking to Rachel for ten minutes. Many hours

I think, yeah. And I said to her, you are the only person who has got my writing talent completely correct. You see, I'm a cipher from God, or the Norse gods, as I like to put it. I'm a cipher from God. Can you imagine? And it's like our great friend from Wales.

Michael Sheen. Michael Sheen. Our great friend from Wales. So many name drops. And he said his grandfather was a preacher. Right. And as he said, great. So many name drops. And he said his grandfather was a preacher. Right. And as he said, he didn't make any preparation. He just spoke the Lord's name in one full sweep to all the people.

Okay. That's how I get my writing. My writing comes from a divine source or perhaps it's an alien source somewhere. So God is telling you to write Belinda Blink? Not God. Could it be the devil? Could it be the devil? Well, as you had that Baptist preacher from the USA

on footnotes once and she said she does great works with Belinda Blinked and her postalising. Yeah. So just to kind of clarify that. So Emma Thompson called you a fucking genius. Yes. Michael Sheen, your great friend from Wales. He compared you to Shakespeare.

Yes. Lin-Manuel Miranda said that you had mad libs That could put Tupac to shame But you're saying that Rachel Bloom Thinking that you are getting your books From an alien life form is the most accurate Correct Okay

Just clarifying I tend to agree actually at this point Do you go into the pavilion to write? Is it always the pavilion? Have you done it when you're on holiday? Where do you find is your kind of ideal set to write i write best in the sun james yes paint a picture you're so good with words paint a picture what if we wandered in and saw you writing what would we see well you'd have to avert your eyes because i tend to write with not many

clothes on because it's nice and warm but i tend to write in the afternoons around about 2 o'clock to 4 o'clock. I can push out about 1,200 words in two hours. Wow. That's frantic. Yeah, but the story's coming down the line. So in 120 minutes, you can do 1,200 words. What's that, like 10 words a minute? But with also just no deleting. No, no, no.

It's all pretty rough stuff, and I'd have to go back and do lots of it. I agree, yeah. Also, it is edited. Well, yes. Because I'm very keen on good spelling and punctuation. I love the semicolon. It's a fantastic little beast. I think you've really single-handedly brought back the semicolon.

I've started using the semicolon way more in my writing because of Dad. Can I ask actually, because I am genuinely intrigued. What is the correct usage of a semicolon it's a pause really it's longer than it's not quite as long as a full stop which the americans the americans call periods and also it's a breathing point and then you can continue without okay so it's a breathing point yes okay it's a posh comma in it yeah okay a breathing point. Yes. Okay. It's a posh comma, isn't it? Yeah. Okay, fine. A breathing point is certainly how Rocky uses it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're taking a breath while you're writing,

whilst you take that breath, you'll just pop a little semicolon in. Exactly, because I can't stop the flow, so I've got to keep getting the words on. Once I get going, I can't stop. Okay. Until that 1,200 words is written. We used to joke that you did your writing on a typewriter, but you do have a computer, don't you? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

So what computer do you do it on? What do you recommend? The cheapest possible. Great, okay. That's a good tip for young writers. It's an Asus. It's an Anus. Something like that. An Anus computer, yeah. The other one is a Lenovo

because I have two. What do you mean the other one? He's got two computers. Jeez, you're flashy these days. Well, when one breaks down because I've spilt some Chardonnay on it, you've got to have a standby. This is true. It's the golden rule. This is the moneymaker. You've got to have your equipment.

I don't use the brain of the computer. I have an SD card that I slip in. The brain. The brain of the computer. Slip in. God, it's just too much. Don't trust the brain. Never trust the brain. When I have to move to the other computer

because I've spent chardonnay in this one, I have to turn it upside down and let it drain for two months. I take the card out, the SD card out, and I put it into the other computer. And bingo, I'm up and running. Fantastic. I'm writing all this down.

So at any given time, there's a computer in a sack of rice. There's one. Yeah, I was going to say, Rocky, can I film you using your computer? In a plastic bag in the freezer that's what you do isn't that what you do

with like murder evidence and chewing gum on clothes yeah I don't think that's a solution to spilling wine on a keyboard

you've mentioned before about your timeline and how you've actually because you know we've obviously ribbed you a little bit but there's been things that have kind of

paid off like the whole special one thing East Berlin being seeded early so you do have like a rough idea of where these books are going is that right yes Things that have kind of paid off, like the whole special one thing, East Berlin being seeded early. So you do have like a rough idea of where these books are going. Is that right?

Yes. Do you want to elaborate on that? No. Okay. Listen, I'm not here as a tutorial guide for you three people, because I know you all want to take over my place in life and write all these fantastic books like James Junked, Jamie Jibbed and Alice Half-A-Bedded. They sound great. So what you're saying is, you know, some stuff has to go to the grave because otherwise, you know, that's your magic sauce that you're not giving away.

A magician doesn't give away his tricks. This is true. I want to talk a little bit about the business aspect of the books. Yeah. Because famously, these books aren't just erotica. That's a mere portion of what they are. They're also business manuals. And that was always something that you kind of wanted to merge together.

Do you feel like you've really lived up to the business aspect in these books? I think so. I mean, actually, Belinda, I met Belinda when I was selling ready-mix concrete in Manchester many, many, many, many, many years ago. And Belinda was selling me cleaning materials. Now, this girl wasn't called Belinda, but... But she's the inspiration? She's one of the inspirations, yes. She had long black hair, flowing, wore large black leather boots, had fantastic breasts. Okay.

Great. She sold me a lot of stuff. I bet she did. I bet she did. Because she kept coming back every week for another order, and I would give her an order. Of cleaning products? Yes. Oh, wow.

You were the cleanest ready-mix concrete depot in the whole of the UK. So why did the world of Belinda end up being pots and pans? Because pots and pans are something that we need to use every single day of our life. Sort of something that everybody can get their heads around. Everybody knows what it is. At first I think she was selling Titanic jet condensers. It wouldn't have been relatable. It's true.

Because do you feel like people who listen kind of learn business from the book? Of course they do. I do get the odd email that's saying, or if you read the Amazon reviews, actually, some of them do say, having read this book, I have now been promoted to managing director.

Wow. You're changing the world. You're changing lives. That's what it's all about, education. I want to verify those. I wanted to ask you about Jamie education. I want to verify those. I wanted to ask you about Jamie's interpretation of some of your characters and some of the voices he's given. Did you mean the Duchess?

Very good. It runs in the family. What do you think of them? Do you think it's enhanced the books? Are there some you don't agree with? What's your take on the voices? I enjoy them very, very much. I think his Irish accent is absolutely crap.

Awful. But never mind. Bella, for example. Yes, very, very good. I mean, that was Mr Middleditch who brought that on initially for the inspiration for the voices. I truly feel it came from. 100%.

And it was very good because he did this, yacky, yacky, yacky, going down the high street. He said, oh, you've lost your back, seal shoes, how dare. I remember it well. It was perfect for Bella, absolutely perfect for Bella, because Bella is that sort of person. I mean, Bella is one of my favourite characters, to be honest with you. And she's just such a...

If I wanted a night out, I would go out with Bella. Oh, yeah, I agree. So much fun. By gum, you are not going to be... Picture that. Rocky and Bella on a night out. I don't know who'd drink who under the table. Well, the champagne would be flowing, that's for sure,

because she doesn't drink anything else these days. Yeah, Bella's one of my favourite characters as well. There was one voice as well that really stood out. Jamie did a German accent for Petra. Yes. What did you think of that? Yeah, very good, yeah. I mean, the fans love Petra.

I mean, for some reason, which beats me, because she's really a nasty little git. They love her. They love her, they do. They love all the characters. You've really created some indelible kind of characters for the world that you hear them for like a sentence and then you just fall in love with them.

Well, James Spooner, I was really sorry to write James Spooner out of it because you never kill your real goodies and you never kill your real baddies. So Bish will live on forever. I mean, you probably have a few hot bypasses and all this sort of business, but you don't get rid of your big baddies. So Bish will live on forever. I mean, you probably have a few heart bypasses and all this sort of business, but you don't get rid of your big baddies and your big goodies in show business.

In show business. So it's important that you keep these people on sleep. Where did you learn that pearl of wisdom? How do you know that about killing off your goodies and baddies? Oh, you just watch all the big TV screen plays and watching Lord of the Rings prequel at the moment. Oh, you just watch all the big TV screen plays. I'm watching Lord of the Rings prequel at the moment. Oh, the Rings of Power.

And they should have killed that bloody elf when they had the chance. There you go. But then we wouldn't have had a story, though, to your point. That's exactly the point. A bit like James Bond and Blofeld. Like, Blofeld never died. He always came back.

He's always a threat. Oh, my God. And the one thing we know about Blofeld is he doesn't have asthma. Right. Right, OK. Good. And do you know how we can deduce that? Because he's always stroking bloody cats.

He's not allergic to cats. And if you have cats... Which is different to asthma, famously. Cats shed hair, which means if you're asthmatic, it gives you a problem because the hair is very short. It's lovely. But, OK, you have cats with long hair and they're better for asthmatics.

Perhaps Blofeld's got a long hair. We were talking about one thing and then it's... The ear change, he's literally pulled the handbrake on and we've gone full 180. I thought we were somewhere and the tone of voice suggests that we're still on that topic. But we have taken a very hard left-hand turn. But that answers your question Oz. It doesn't but but it certainly was a ride an absolute ride. I also love that we now have a headline

Rocky slams rings with power. They should have killed the elf. Can I ask a really basic question which is do you think the books are sexy? Some of them, yes. I think the job interview one in the first chapter of the first book is pretty sexy. And suggestive, because nothing actually really happens. Yeah. But she slips off the seat. I mean, it's more than suggestive.

Private pussy area is quite intense, as is labial pinkness. Yes, yes, yes. labial pinkness yes yes yes labial pinkness you need these words like salt and pepper in your food you need to sprinkle these words in now and again to keep the taste buds going right I see he knows how to pull in a reader

well also we should talk about like your your kind of iconic phrases things like her tits hung freely like pomegranates the rivets on the titanic the flesh of mankind how do you come up i mean amazing metaphors yes um they are thank you very much you're welcome i've been wanting

to do the rivets on the titanic ever since i grew up in northern ireland where the titanic was actually built and of course i had a relative who went down with the Titanic. I think she was actually one of the few who got saved. So nipples and rivets are very, very similar things. And you've been sitting on that metaphor since you were a child, you said? Oh, maybe about 18. 18, okay. Wow, just waiting for the right time to use it. You can't bring it into buying a house in Brazil very easily.

True. Or shifting cement. Correct. As he mixed his cement, his nipples shrunk and became as hard as rivets. Doesn't work. I like that he knows what doesn't work. And also that is writing erotica that isn't selling cement. So it does work there. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind a lot can go wrong a

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But for one more time, yes. Oh, sorry. It came from Rocky. Actually, I'm a geologist by training, by my background in high school. So rock and geology. High school geology. Yeah, I did geology in high school.

Did you really? Yeah, I did, yeah. And then I went on to university to read it further. Yes, Rocky. So rocks, Rocky. Yeah, right. In Brazil, we have this friend of ours who's still a very good friend.

And he had a dog called Rocky, a big black Labrador, beautiful thing Flintstone comes from that lovely cartoon called The Flintstones of course Wilma comes from The Flintstones and I do love the scene where Rocky, no

Fred gets left outside at the end of everything and he's hammering on the door to Wilma. Wilma! Met me in because the dog shut the door on him. And it all came together very nicely. Yeah, they really tie up together lovely. They do. I mean, I think it's a great name.

I have to say. So many people say, why was that not taken? And in fact, Hannah Barber have taken it because I did try for copyright on Rocky Flintstone. They wouldn't let you have it? I got a five page letter. Did you really? I did indeed.

It's a cracker. I've kept it. Someday I might publish it with their permission. What's funny about it is that they sent this letter to dad and they thought that they'd found his real name, I guess on the internet or something. But it wasn't his name. And I think they're being really, really clever, don't they? i think they called me jim actually which is another one yeah and we're both like literally not his name where have you even found that was there a world where you would

ever have not written under a pen name and would have written as your real name never why is that um you do want to keep a small amount of privacy. I mean, they've got very nice neighbours. Do they know they live next door to Rocky Flintstone? Not many of them. Oh. I mean, the postman knows who I am, but he never says anything. They're very discreet, postmen. Very discreet. Absolutely fantastic people. Oh, because you get mail saying Rocky Flintstone.

Yeah. Oh. I think that's what's been so nice as well, is that everyone's kind of been respectful of that. Yes, and I thank you all for that, because you've been really champion fantastic fan base out there thank you guys yeah they're the best we've all got to know each other pretty well now so i feel like we've done a lot of of critiquing of you over the years which you've taken very well i wondered what your impressions are of us how would you describe each of us to somebody else i think you're a very good cement i mean very good if you look at a ready mix concrete product right or cement as you guys

in the states call it um and in the states you're really genius because you don't believe in messing about with the stuff you put so much water into it and it's really really runny but you compensate to make it hard by adding extra cement which of course is an environmental disaster because you're utilising more... Sorry, guys, I won't get on that route. Anyway, I was going to say, what did we ask? What is this metaphor? Your cement, or concrete is runny, or concrete in the UK and Europe,

is much tougher, much thicker. I'm dying. So it comes out of the barrel of the machine, of the truck, and forms a nice little cone as it spills onto the thing. Now, I make a lot of ready mix concrete in my life. This is just about concrete now. And I would say that, Alice,

you're the rocks. The aggregate. The aggregate. James is the sand and Jamie is the cement. And put the three of you together and you get a really hard mixture after 28 days. Oh! Lovely! I like that. But it wouldn't work without the water which is you, days. Oh, lovely. I like that. But it wouldn't work without the water, which is you, Dad.

No, I'm the steel. Of what? We want to make reinforced concrete. Right. Oh. So who's the water? We need water, Dad. Us, Wilma.

Oh, Mum's the water. Of course she is. Oh, well, that's very flattering. Oh, so there we go. Because I've always felt that, because you've known Alison James for years, ever, yeah. but i always feel like you kind of prefer james to me like he's definitely the favorite yay coming around for christmas right rocky yeah when christmas the other christmas 25th of december like like always yeah james i think is definitely your

favorite then alice then me but that's fine i don't know i'm like i'm in and out of favor aren't Christmas. 25th of December, like always. Yeah, James, I think, is definitely your favourite. Then Alice, then me. But that's fine. I don't know. I'm like, I'm in and out of favour, aren't I? No, Alice,

you're the pretty one. You're the, perhaps you should be the steel in the bloody concrete. Yeah, damn right. Why am I the sand? I'm not sure I'm happy being the sand.

You know what I mean, man? No, sand is great. If people are sick on the playground, you pour sand on it. Exactly. like sand for sand makes glass sand makes glass

that's true you should be the steel because dad you can be the rocks being rocky yes that's true yes well let's make it around a bit

yeah I've got it around yeah it's rather a shame so really doesn't matter what order as long as we're making you're still the cement concrete

I'm still the cement you're the cement regardless whatever happens you're the cement okay thanks which you are actually in this whole team because you're actually the cement. Concrete. I'm still the cement. You're the cement regardless. Whatever happens, you're the cement. Okay, thanks. But you are actually in this whole team because you're actually the... The glue.

Yes, same thing. You're the question master and the reader. Those guys comment with their witticisms and stuff. It's purely functional. I just write the original material and that's it. That's it. Such a modest man. Oh my God.

Honestly, couldn't have expected a better answer to that question. We are reinforced concrete as like a gang. I kind of like that. Yeah, people have tuned into this podcast and all they're getting is concrete doors. Cement to you guys in the States. A lot of people actually worry about you having your right to reply. They think we're really, really mean to you. You are.

No, we're not. No, we're not. Look at his little grin. And he knows it won't be picked up on the mic. Do you think we are who do you think is the meanest to you Alice Levine yep

I would say so this is a this is a stitch up it's too sharp isn't it it's when she doesn't add a laugh afterwards it sounds like a real she asks all the interrogative questions oh so the smartest is what he's saying

well James Cooper is my friend we're good mates aren aren't we, Rocky? Yes. We email each other about... You're such a fucking sucker. Such a teacher's pet. I can't believe it. Excuse me, Rocky?

Yes, James. Who keeps this project on course? James, you're the PR man. You're brilliant. Thank you. Social media, whatever. Whatever! I think that's a compliment.

I know that this is uncomfortable, which is my favourite part of doing this show. I'm just going to ask it, and I just want you to... Do you promise to be truthful? I try my best. Okay. Are the scenes depicted in the book ever taken from your sexual experiences?

Or your fantasies? Every single one of them. Oh! Rocky! I keep going back to the flossing the teeth bit. It's so true. Let's do the other one where the blue cum sprinkles over the wedding cake. Do you know how that came about?

Oh, how? One of our big supermarket chains produced some hair conditioner which was light blue coloured or medium blue coloured. And as I was squirting it over my head to do my hair, it spattered down onto my torso. I thought, good God, what a fantastic... Oh, my God.

I'm going to explode. Oh, my God. It splattered onto my torso. It splattered onto my torso. And you thought, oh, that would make lovely jizz. That is rough, Dad. Oh, my God. Shall we?

Let's move on to lighter topics. I just wanted to ask you, obviously, we've done some incredible things on the journey of this podcast. We've done live tours. We did a physical book of your book. We did the HBO special. I was just wondering what some of your best memories or highlights of the project have been. There have been so many James

I mean I think sitting down and writing that first set of words, Belinda blinked it wasn't a dream, the job interviewer had just asked her to remove her blouse must be the highlight of the whole thing for me so right at the beginning, nothing else since yes yes and seeing what that produced

is phenomenal. I mean, it's absolutely unbelievable. Yeah, you couldn't have expected where it would go. No way. No, no. So beyond the writing of the actual first chapter, which obviously without that we wouldn't have a show, what are some other kind of highlights along the way for you? I certainly enjoyed Australia.

That was good touring in Australia because they're very friendly out there. And that's not to say that the UK or the USA aren't it's just different because I think we were there, was it springtime? We unfortunately had those fires which is a real real shame but Because you're never in the audience are you?

You always sit in a very special secret side of stage bits but at Sydney Opera House you don't always have the best view but I feel like what you get to do is watch the audience yeah i really know i sit behind a big thick curtain and just listen so it's really like a podcast for you every night it is absolutely and is it true that mum like on this last tour mum would sit with you and you'd listen to it together and then at a certain point mum would just slink off and go downstairs to the dressing room because she didn't want to listen to them.

She has never, thank God, heard the last five words of the latest... Okay. Live show. Live show. It's quite blue. Yeah, it was quite blue. But, you know, that's what's interesting about these books. They are about women, though.

They're about the Glee team, they're about Belinda. Why did you write pornography from a woman's perspective? Well, you've told me about the Bechter factor. The Bechtel test, yeah. Bechtel test, yes. The Bechter factor. Yeah, well, I prefer to call these things, because I always change things a bit just to stop the lawyers from getting

too anxious. Yeah, absolutely, got you. Wise. Yes. So, I'm a very big feminist. I mean, I really should have been born a woman, but I wasn't. So there you go. It had to be about women. Do you feel like Belinda Blinked is a feminist novel? Yes. And did you ever have creative ambitions? Because obviously you've always worked in quite labour intensive jobs. Like, had you always wanted to be creative? always wanted to be creative well i think um i've always been creative in my private life by doing gardens and all this sort of seemingly i'm wilma says i'm one of the best landscape

gardeners around you are you've done mine do you do you do a beautiful job yes and that's just basically i mean i get all the people who do the heavy work now wilma does all the lifting of the soil it's just better at all that, yeah Whereas I do the technical type Direction of the walls Those little hands They're good at digging earth Aren't they? Absolutely fantastic

Not to turn this into A family counselling session But we've been doing this For a long time together now The four of us And I sense A little change In your relationship with Jamie

I feel like having a project together Has been a nice thing Absolutely The last project we had together was when he plastered or pointed the walls of our house in France, which was a three-year job. Yeah. And quite a different job to reading your pornography letter. Still artistic.

Very artistic. I mean, I tell you, you think building is not artistic. It's one of the most artistic things in the world you can do. That's what this episode's about, mainly. Because you are creating something for a long time in the future. Yeah. Which is what we've done with these books and this podcast and all the live shows and all the rest of the stuff

that you guys will be doing in the future. Oh, that was very restrained of you. Very good. So do you think that, because a lot of people I hear think it's kind of laughable that a son reading his dad's pornography out loud would be something that would bring you closer together. But I think it has. I mean, how would you describe how your relationship is now, eight years on?

Jamie is a very complex individual. Oh my goodness, could not agree more. Could not. Preach, preach. And as a result, he has to be approached gently about many things. I give you the analogy of walking over eggshells without trying to make a noise. Wow. Diva. Diva, you're talking about.

I mean, just before you arrived this morning, I would say he was having a bit of one of those moments. You should have been here last night when we were putting the gate on. My God. Oh, I was telling him about that fucking gate then. So, yeah, he's a complex character. But at the end of the day, he has a very, very, very attuned sense of humour. Yes, he does. Yes.

And that's what brings him his genius in putting all this lot together and delivering it to our fans. There you go. That's very nice. So, you're hard work, but you're funny. You're a diva, but you have a kind of superpower. He never said diva. I said complex eggshells.

Complex eggshells. You're a complex egg. You're a complex Humpty Dumpty. Okay. I suppose that's fair. And if I am that way, there's only one place I got it from, and that's you.

Yeah. And very complex. Indeed. I mean, everyone's complex. I think that's the thing that, yeah, we've learned so much more about each other in every way imaginable during this show. Like you say, Al, we've been travelling the world together, we're business partners, I read your porn.

There's many levels that we're working at here. But I'm really glad that we did it. Are you glad that you wrote these books? Absolutely, and, you know, Belinda Blinked is cathartic. I had to get all this stuff written down that I had experienced in my lifetime before I forgot it all. So it's essentially a diary, is what you say?

It's an autobiography. Autobiography, yes. No, it's not, Dad. Don't be silly. But some of it is autobiographical. It's all true, Alice. Yeah. Even the Hump and Skunk. Absolutely, that one more than most. I mean, poor old Des Martin. He doesn't stand a chance in the real world, that guy.

And he's my favourite RSM, by the way, if you want to ask that question. Okay, good to know. Ken Dews was a close second. I love his cellar in Leeds. That was a real story, actually. We actually lived above that cellar. We lived in Leeds.

Fucking hell. Well, thanks for telling the authorities. Turned out the guy actually. We actually lived above that cellar. We lived in Leeds. Well thanks for telling the authorities. Turned out the guy below was actually a copper. Twist. Got him sacked. Really? Oh God. Is there anything you'd like to say? Obviously everyone's going to be listening to this episode.

Everyone finally wants to hear Rocky Flintstone's voice. What would you like to say to all the readers, the listeners out there? This is your platform. It's been a privilege, to be honest with you, to help people through the sadder times of their lives. The pandemic, of course, wrought havoc with people. They didn't get to see any of their friends for maybe two years because they couldn't leave the building because they're one way or another affected by this horrible thing. So no, it's been a privilege to be of service to mankind in that.

And you guys have helped spread the message really, really good. I agree with you, though. Privilege is a good word. I think we've sort of accidentally, I don't think we could necessarily have predicted it, created a community,

created a big gang and people come to us for escape. And that feels like something really special that we can offer, doesn't it? Yeah. And one of the things about the podcast coming to a conclusion is you can't keep going forever.

It's a fantastic time to bring the podcast to an end because Belinda has succeeded beyond her wildest dreams. She's now in charge of this mega maniac business corporation. You said it. Yeah, and it's amazing. And I don't want the fandom to think that's the end. It's not the end. Something else will happen in a different, slightly different way. Exactly.

And whilst we may not release the podcast anymore because it's a really good place to end, I don't see any reason why I should stop doing what I do. Absolutely not. Well, we've tried stopping you. If we haven't stopped you by now, we're not going to stop you from here on in, are we? So,

watch this space, guys. There you go. There's a tease. Do you feel like as a writer you're going to leave a legacy behind? Yes, because anyone who writes anything will leave it behind because you... We're not staying in this earth forever. I've got another ten years

approximately before I lose my marbles. I think that happened a while ago. Well, exactly. Got to find them first. So that's an inevitable situation. But in the meantime, I can do a lot of stuff. What an adventure though, hey, Rocky? Hasn't it been amazing?

It's been amazing. Because toice's point so many people around the world have read your books and been inspired by belinda whether it's through artwork people have recorded their own songs remember that pomegranates and what does it feel like to kind of have created a piece of work that has inspired other people and not just people that you know people that you you'll never meet. I think it's your duty. I think it's all our duties to inspire other people. We're lucky we've been rewarded financially

in a small way by doing it. But the bigger goal is to bring people love and laughter, which is what I think we've done. Absolutely. Couldn't agree more. And hope that one day they too will rise above. Life is shit, but we all move on. There's another Blinda Blink reference.

That's true. I've got that in my toilet. It's a big inspiration. And also, because it's like, you know, you were in your 60s when this all happened. What would you say to people whose lives maybe hadn't panned out the way they'd hoped and that they think that their time's passed?

No, you have to have supreme confidence in yourself. There's no doubt about it. And you guys have it because you do other things outside of this podcast which you have to have supreme confidence in yourself. There's no doubt about it. And you guys have it because you do other things outside of this podcast, which you have to stick your neck above the parapet and do every day of your lives. So it's all about being confident in what you do. Now, you will never be 100% successful at anything you do, but if you can get that 1% grain of success and challenge it correctly and guide it and make it work for you be it buying your retirement home in the countryside or buying yourself a horse that you can love and ride and all this sort of achieving your small goals which might then

lead to bigger goals you might decide you buy your horse then you've got to buy a little field for to live in so you buy a little field then you think live in. So you buy a little field. Then you think, oh, I'm enjoying this. I'll do a podcast on riding horses in my field. I'm going to become a multi-million dollar YouTuber. There you go. I'm going to buy a horse. It's decided. Toffee apple chew. Yes.

So never give up, basically. Never give up. The message from Robert Flintstone. And buy a horse. And buy a horse. And never bank on where you think the answer's going. I mean, never. I hope that this has really given context to the book.

You can almost see the moment it starts to go off the tracks, can't you? Yeah. What's it called? Is it called aquaplaning? You know, when the car is just sort of like, it hits the skids. Runaway train. Runaway, for sure. You are a runaway train in human form.

Now, Dad, have you brought your harmonica with you? I have. I never go anywhere without the old harmonica. Because we can't end the episode without a blast from Rocky. All right. I might be a bit rusty. That's all right.

I asked you earlier, have you ever played the theme tune and you don't think you have but you thought you might be able to have a crack at it? Yeah, but I don't know the theme tune.

I only listened to the podcast once so I don't know the theme tune very well at all. Rocky Flintstone is going to play us out with his harmonica. I thought it was the only way. And he can play an old favourite to warm up with, maybe. Oh, that's brilliant.

Oh, he's back. He's got it. It's so shiny. What's in the repertoire? Lots of Irish stuff. Lots of Australian Irish stuff. A bit of French stuff. Anything with names or just...

No, just stuff. Okay, okay. Stuff, because you won't recognise it if I do stuff it. Well, because it's a famous song from the books. I don't suppose you can play Will You Go, Lassie Go? I could try and do that sort of stuff. Okay. Ish.

Oh, wow. Beautiful. He's really good. And sort of the right level of kind of melancholy as well. Bittersweet. It is. Okay. I mean, I guess that brings us to the end then, right? Yeah.

We've asked the questions. We've done the harmonica. That's everything. You can't top that. So, yeah, Dad, I just want to say... Have you prepared some words? I have, of course.

Speech, speech. I just want to say a massive thank you, Dad, for coming and joining us today, but also a massive thank you for Belinda. And thank you for letting us do this show.

You know, from the first time I mentioned the possibility of maybe reading your interesting erotica to the world, you've been nothing but supportive. And Emma Thompson said when she met you that you had a great generosity of spirit. And Daymem pretty much nailed it, I think. You've always been so gracious and an incredible sport, no matter how much we've ribbed you and taken a piss a little bit. And I think you've always been so gracious and an incredible sport no matter how much we've ribbed you and taken a piss

a little bit and I think what maybe people don't know out there is that we're a family you know it's not just me and you but these two as well

we've shared some incredible experiences together from playing Yahtzee on a balcony in Boston to getting quite drunk in the dressing rooms of the Sydney Opera House

remember that and it has just been the greatest adventure. So I'm so proud of you, Dad. I've loved working with you and getting to know you even better over the past eight years. It really has been an incredible privilege to travel the world with you and Mum and to see you being adored by millions of people all over the globe. You really do deserve it.

And you've shown that it's never too late to make an impact on the world and the amount of joy that you've brought so many people is pretty inspiring and I'm really proud that I get to call you my dad and with that try and do the theme tune dad do your best Wow that was terrible to rocky flintstone everybody cheers cheers rocky thank you so much

it's been a pleasure no it's been our pleasure um and so that's it we've reached the end uh so for me jamie alice james and rocky thank, so much for listening. And that is the end of My Dad Wrote a Porno. self-employed, don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.